>>44767735

i wanna be somebodies therapist :D

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Thank you pathetic girl. Im... kinda drunk and was fumbling hard. >~< Have the pic I was gonna use for OP

i wish i had the courage to kill myself

I want to go out and drink with people but also i want to stay home and drink cheap beer (pbr)

She cracked the door open and now I'm gonna make her mine.

Yeah?

So apparently I should not be up front with my past as an incel and chud. I basically got blacklisted from all lgbt stuff in my area because I was open about my past, fully repentant and wanting to put it behind me a look forward.

I found nothing but seething hatred and I actually kind fear I might be swatted some of them were so rabidly angry with me. Fuck me for trying to change I guess.

I refuse to feel regret and other useless feelings

>>44767755
No problem, I kinda needed the thread up rn, lol. And we can use that pic next time, I wasn't sure if you were around. I'll be getting drunk soon, too, so I'll be here if you wanna yap :D

>>44767735
I'm on the cusp of getting with someone I love very much, but I'm actually starting to reconsider. We've been down this road once before, and she unceremoniously tossed me into the garbage. If we end up together, I can't deny there will be a sense of feeling like it could happen again.

>>44767822
I miiiiight. Im fighting the urge to drunk text someone and its a losing battle,,,
She worries when I drink tho, I think past bad experiences... but im not going overnight and very rarely do so it should be okay.

>>44767858
*going overboard
Aaaaa autocorrect h8s me

>>44767858
Lmfao, I'm sure I'll be fighting the same urge in a bit. I won't if you won't :p
That's sweet that she worries when you drink, though. And on that note, do take care of yourself :)
Lots of water!

>>44767876
Nqaaaah im gonna text her. I usually bug h3r a bit before bed, sometimes she's actually awake and I get tk chat a little bit before I fall asleep. Its nice

I don't understand how I'm only 5'5 but there are all these short ass men who make me feel uncomfortable for being taller than them. Wtf is wrong with you

why can't i cry anymore?

>>44767914
are there? I am just under 5'5 and I don't mind if a woman is taller than me
>t. ftm
>>44767922
dehydrated?

>>44767929
You don't count I'm talking about cis dudes who by all rights should be a normal height

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Broke up with the love of my life in manic episode and wrecked my life in the span of a month, trying to find the energy and courage to rope or blow my shit schmoove off. Nobody's ever going to love me like that again. Point and laugh at me so I finally get the courage to buy the supplies.

>>44767933
well it's because they're cis dudes who by all rights should be a normal height, but they are under 5'5.

>>44767934
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Don't be too hard on yourself.

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>>44767934
if someone can love you once, someone (else) can love you again, but resigning yourself to 'i will never be loved' WILL make you be alone forever. so stop being fucking stupid, kindly.

>>44767934
get back with them

>>44767945
Appreciate you. It's just hard, if I hadn't sperged out I wouldn't have ended up homeless and doing sex work. I'm slowly working my way out of it, finally got a car and I'm hoping things keep going well. It's just hard, antidepressants aren't working anymore, and I'm not sure how long we can thug it out.

>>44767952
Lowk right, needed to hear this. Thanks anon.

>>44767965
I know the struggle, I was homeless myself in early adulthood. Probably the only positive thing to come out of it was that I learned how strong I can be, and I think you can be strong as well.

>>44767982
I'm sorry that you've had to go through that as well. I'm glad you've made it out though. I'm trying my best, thank you for your kind words.

>>44767894
Oh! We are talking very different things here, I see :p
Well, have fun then, that sounds nice :)

>>44768027
She woke up and texted me first x~x

>>44767763
I'm happier you have the courage to live :)
>>44768054
D'awww <3
I'm glad! I hope my friend that I talk to in the mornings gets up early enough for me to annoy her :p

an unimaginably agonizing memory that became unavoidable. painful.

>>44767934
I was there last year. If you work really hard you can bounce back, but.

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im so dense it genuinely hurts, because i know why. its literally impossible for me to process any could be talking positively about me even blatant compliments just dont make sense to me, i dont deserve it it doesnt feel right, so i psyche myself out so deeply if its even at all up in the air, it cant be about me.

i'm a repper and i'm decently attractive for a guy but almost every day is just constant agony from not being a woman, i'm 6'1 and fairly masculine so i think it's too late to start hrt or to do anything about it, i just don't know what to do since anyone i talk to online tells me to start hrt and that i'll be fine, i don't want to invalidate other trans women but i just want to look normal, i feel like if i start hrt i'll just cope for a while before getting worse and ending it, so it just feels safer to force myself to live as a man

>>44768590
I feel like a lot of people can relate to this. I know I can. It takes a long time to more or less train yourself to know how to accept affection. Especially if you haven't received it in a long time or have gotten the exact opposite. You deserve it. If the person who gives you that affection really cares, they'll even reaffirm it should you question it. Just communicate with people and eventually it'll break through :)

>>44768670
just permamanmode dumbass you'll be lot less likely to rope or go insane

>>44768670
You'll just hurt yourself like that. You can't really invalidate other trans women when they're so widely villainized already. Don't martyr your own hapliness, it'll just hurt yourself and won't help anyone. It may be hard and it may not be perfect, but you can figure out something to make the best of it. I'm taller than you and I tend to get pretty positive reactions, so don't worry

>>44768687
very true

>>44768689
the issue is the life I want is to be a normal woman and to have been raised as one, even if transitioning somehow goes well I'll always be seen as a trans woman and never an actual one

>>44768721
>if I can't have this impossible thing I might as well do nothing to improve my situation
this mindset will kill you if you let it

>>44768750
the thing is I can just cope and fully accept I'll never be a woman now and be whatever, or I can try transitioning and just get worse seeing how fucked up I get, I've already done everything else like shaving and taking care of my skin and hair, and it just made me understand even more about how stuck I am in this body, I don't want hrt to be a magic cure but I know I'd look clocky, and it's a hard thing to talk about without insulting other trans women but I just don't want to live like that

>>44768721
>>44768750
it will at least kill any part of you that is capable of more. you must temporary set your sights lower, even if in the grand scheme they are uber high. YOU CANNOT GIVE IN NOW. sorry i must have had +2 many beers.

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>>44768779
in the long run living as a clocky troon/manmoder is better than being an aging moid. I'll give you an example, see this hon here?

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>>44768800
this is her now

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and this fella

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>>44768807
this is him now.
if you have dysphoria, it is objectively worse for you to not do hrt. at worst it will keep you sane. at best you might actually feel better in the long run.

>>44768783
it's pretty much over already, it'd just be cope to start now

>>44768800
I have good genetics so I don't really worry about aging

>>44768821
if anything I'd probably end up worse on hrt, there is no norwood in my future, and I appreciate what you're trying to do but it's kinda disingenuous to pick photos out like that

>>44768837
>It anything I'd probably end up worse on hrt, there is no norwood in my future
Lol

>>44768837
it's not just norwooding. your ribcage will expand, your brow ridge harden, your shoulders widen, you hands get ever bigger and veinier. you don't get to decide whether you're okay with this. you won't be. you will be be a sadder, angrier and worse person because of it.

I fell down a flight of stairs yesterday onto concrete, my hip popped out of socket, popped it back in and went to work with a limp, was scolded for being late, find out later in the day I tore the cartilage in my hip by popping it back in, tore old stitches from prior hip surgery, fractured bone in my shoulder, no insurance so nothing is done to help, pay hundreds of dollars for ER to do nothing. still in intense pain, I think my life is just one joke after another

>>44768886
that's all pretty much happened to the point of no return for me already, so I guess I'm just stuck riding it out as a guy now

I love loli and shota stuff
I'd never actually harm anyone obviously
But shitwoke troons can't understand that so everyone hates me
I just wanna jerk off, write fanfiction, and maybe have someone to talk with about it

>>44768907
ik. it'll keep happening

>>44768721
you do know what manmode means right

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I seriously think I'd rather die than feel like this again. I can't focus, I can't think about other things, it's stupid. This has to be some sort of ocd or something. I was supposed to have a fun night drinking tonight, but one thought messed it all up. I don't know why I was able to do good for a bit and then just completely fell back into it. Should've just gotten drunk enough to black out, that would've been better

>>44769043
what was the thought hmmm? romance? it's good you didn't blackout. I've only done so once maybe and i hated not knowing what I did.

>>44767952
>reading this and then realising none of them actually loved me to begin with

>>44769109
What? What made you come to that conclusion?

>>44769129
My first relationship I was the other guy and, I quote, "a surrogate to [her] boyfriend"
All of my relationships after that have been shit too

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>>44769065
Rewriting my post because that was a fucking yapfest. Yeah, about a woman I should've never fallen for because I knew it was never in the cards. I care about her so much. It just feels awful that she'll never consider me. Idk, it's all so stupid. I've talked about it enough, it just hurts for new reasons every day. I even set up a hookuo to try and get over her and at first I was excited and now I just keep thinking of her. If I'd blacked out, I'd at least be asleep

>>44769201
yikes. I think I know what that's like, but maybe it was more painful for you because there was probably less distance.

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I have a loving family, a small, but very close number of friends. I feel alone, I'm too scared to talk to anyone about my problems, or they might think less of me. I put on a brave happy face, I go out of my way to listen and help anyone and everyone in any way I can.

I'm too scared to ask for help in return, I feel bad even mentioning this in 4chan because I've got good friends and family, and so many other folk have so much less than I do.

>>44769247
Less distance? How do you mean? I kinda assume you saw my first draft considering that's where I mentioned the distance thing, lol. That's embarassing

>>44769254
Nobody has your brain and you don't have other people's brain so people have it worse or better means fuck all
It sounds like you're surrounded by people that love and care about you, it's okay to reach out if you're struggling, especially if you do that for others too like you've said

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>>44769298
I think I'm too hardwired to change, not when everyone is struggling with this or that, my sister is struggling with postpartum depression, her husband, who is a great guy, is trying to pick up the slack. My parents are getting older and struggling with mundane tasks. Family friend had a heart attack, so he's bedridden and I made some sandwiches today to give him tomorrow. My best friend has MS and her wife is struggling with another medical issue but they are a half days drive from where I live so I can't really help them out yet. Thank god school is open now, so I don't need to babysit.

And my neighbours who I barely know had their son jump off a building a few months back and they asked if I could help them reinstall some of their doors they broke in their grief.

And some rich cunt wants me to go to his place on Tuesday to rekey some of his locks for $2000. I told him that thinking he'd say no, but... Whelp, 2 grand is 2 grand.

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it's been almost four months since i made a lifestyle change by quitting alcohol, starting to lift weights a few times a week and cleaning up my diet. also been growing my hair out and generally putting more effort in. at first my bf and friends were complimenting me while i felt i looked basically the same, but now i'm getting to a point where i can notice the changes too. my weight hasn't changed much but my body composition has, i have some muscle definition in my arms now and my butt has grown a bit while my stomach has shrunk and the contrast between my shoulders/waist/hips is greater. i like the changes, HOWEVER i'm struggling a bit with the extra attention it gets me in public. when i was chubbier i was basically invisble to others, whereas now it feels like i can't go outside without men looking at me and commenting on my body and stuff. i have big boobs and i'm fairly curvy now so i guess people are gonna notice me. it's lowkey kinda shit and makes me want to hide, i feel like the past couple of weeks i've gotten a bit angrier and spikier, i've probably mastered the death glare by now. i just find it extremely rude mostly, i can't imagine behaving this way myself so i just don't understand it. i try to tell myself it's their problem and not mine but i can't deny that it's slightly exhausting.

>>44769577
now you know what men are actually like. I still cringe at how often I used to stare at women in rage and envy

>>44769623
yeah i mean i used to get catcalled a lot when i was younger and skinnier so i'm familiar with it, i had some genuinely scary situations with men. lowkey getting sexually assaulted by a guy twice my size who i couldn't possibly have fought off was the start of my downward spiral. this is the first time in a while i've been getting this sort of attention and it's a bit triggering for me.

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I'm thankful for having been able to share all those moments with you. A year ago, just thinking about it and how things ended felt soul-crushing, but now I can look fondly on the good times we had.

And it's funny: that saying, "You can't love someone until you love yourself," is a cliché, but for me, it's been true. I had been seriously depressed since I was fifteen, and I still was after meeting and losing you.

It was during this past year that I realized I had to make a major change. Not because of any specific episode in my life, but because I got fed up with feeling incredibly miserable all the time.

I still have some work to do, but I'm feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time. I finally have medication that works, goals for the future, and I even started exercising.

Even though our relationship ended, I'm glad that it could happen at all. I used to think I was doomed to die alone without ever experiencing romance, but you changed that. Now I know that I'm not some unlovable freak; I just need to keep looking.

Thanks for the memories, and I hope you're doing alright.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7EokiJcfsE

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>>44767735
I love her i love her i love her fuck my st4t life i posted about this last night but i actually adore this girl and everything about her and we get along and she gets all my references and we just break out into song together sometimes like its a fucking musical and its beautiful. but im too scared to even tell her how i feel even though she tells me she loves me every night and constantly gets jelaous when i talk about my love life

Does she want me older trannies and pooners tell me im so scared i havent loved like this in forever its always been an "i guess"

one day ill stop subconsciously rejecting every bit of love that comes to me

>>44772008
you have to take love in pieces sometimes. I know I'm not ready for some grand disney style romantic love (if that even exists), but I can accept friendship and community. Love is a skill anon/nona

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starting to realize that there's nothing i can do to rid myself of my stupid fetish for taller girls

6'1" and i want someone around like 6'5" or up, which isn't going to happen. it's so rare for me to feel even the slightest bit of physical attraction to someone shorter than me like why do i have to objectify these women solely for that

>>44768911
Gooned while chatting with a mesugaki AI
I feel like I'm giving trans people a bad name

>>44768911
that's so based
I think there are more trannies who are into that stuff than you might think

>>44768670
I'm an unpassable repper and it really does feel like a loose loose situation. If you live in a decently libshit area I don't see the harm in permamanmoding but it probably won't help very much tbqhon.

I quit my job a few months ago to 'explore myself' and haven't been able to get where I needed to get to. I've been slacking off and not even relaxing properly. At the same time, I don't feel like I could handle a full time gig right now. I feel trapped in my own hell and while I know what to do in theory, in practice I just, ugh. I've been way in my own head lately, to the degree that I reignited an infatuation with someone I don't even know anymore. I've been knocking my bad habits out one by one but it doesn't feel like enough sometimes.

>>44773234
That's a bad thing though, isn't it?

What really bothers me is how big age regression is in human domestication guide works, yet they're against this stuff. Mental regression is fine but not physical?? Part of me wants to write tons and tons of it until they accept it. Once again, angery at discord troons.

>friends aren't talking to me anymore
>barely can make conversation online
>keep getting notifications so I think I have friends
>fucking humble bundle e-mails
Where do you even go to meet people anymore? Not irl

>>44774284
Don’t make “friends” online just learn to be fine alone. Get a hobby or something.

>>44773524
no it's literally not a bad thing, it's fine!

>>44773524
Blegh I was more into HDG until I started finding the age regression stories and then realized how much of the setting is just that without saying it is... anyways, the reason for those rules is to avoid mixing kids and smut because a trans heavy community really doesnt need pedo accusations leveled against it.
Still love the premise of the setting, just gotta juke around the age reg stuff. Thats why I aim for the darker stories or things explicitly focused on other kinks. Plampt as mother figure replacement? Nah, not my spice. Loving sadomasochistic Master/servant relationship with plampt? Yes please and thank you.

>>44774343
Humans cannot be fine alone, it literally drives you crazy
Also what kind of person doesn't have hobbies?

>>44774522
Pedo accusations are so frustrating
I and many other unfortunate souls bearing my same cross never actually harm anyone and don't want to, the same way people who love rape h-games don't go out there and rape anyone.
There was actually an interesting paper on non-offending nonces who describe what they do to make sure they don't offend, and many cited ethically produced fictional pornogoraphy as something that helped them alleviate their urges without harming anyone. When I see how many people love the things I've written, it makes me hopeful that I'm helping someone continue to be a good person.

most beautiful woman i've ever met makes me want to kill myself. no one has ever pushed my buttons like she does. the way she looks at me drives me crazy. i can't tell if we're flirting or if she's just fucking with me, and i can never find the courage to ask for what i want from her

>>44774589
Yeeeaaa, as both a mother and someone who has investigated CSA for her job, youre not gonna get much sympathy from me on this topic. Dont be a PoS, I guess? Not gonna engage much beyond that.

>>44774640
Should I just kms? I hate being like this. I'd cut it out of my head if I could. Everyone hates me, I hate me.

I moved into my new place yesterday
I carried so much heavy shit up to the apartment
Movers stopped and asked if I did it all by myself
I'm stressed though, doesn't feel like home. Solo apartment after 18 years at home

>>44774591
women tend to do this

sometimes I wonder if the only route for me is t4t. what cis woman would want a sterile man?

>>44767820
#preach it's not good to wallow in misery, as 'good' as it might feel.

>>44774809
Proud of you, that's a big step and it's hard. Same situation for me, but you did it much younger, so good job :)

is leg ulcer anon still here and are they ok?

>>44775409
Nice 9, I'm really flattered

Desperately holding back the urge to break down crying and begging for my hookup partner to love me while they were yelling at me for failing a task while in scene today. I think I have many things to work through

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Threadly reminder that you are worth it, despite how indifferent the world can feel you shouldn't give up. You're strong for making it this far and I admire you. I love you, please keep trying, .

I know these happy times lately will come to an end soon, I'm fine with that. I'll enjoy them for what they are before I have to crawl back to the miserable normalcy of my rotting existence. Love does not exist for me and that's okay, its simply impossible anyone could even be remotely interested in me like that. That's fine, I'm happy right now. I'll savor it while it lasts.

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One of the only things I hate more than my nonstop hypervigilance is how fucking often it is right. The subtle change in tone, slight difference in word selection, slightly longer silences tell me... pain is coming. I think Im more prepared this time but I know Ill still bleed and at this point in my life Im not sure how much of me is left that isnt scars.
Ill press on all the same, even though there is nothing resembling a heart left in me and hadn't been for a long, long time.
>>44774777
Im not gonna tell an internet stranger to kill themself over thoughts. Just dont ever ever let it become action. Seek therapy if you can.
>>44777210
Thanks, M, youre a joy as always. :>
>>44777294
Thats a mood. Dont want to externalize it too much, but I feel too wretched to be held on to for long. The venom that flows from my heart sickens everyone who holds me close eventually. The only person who stuck with me is heavily dependent on me and Im 90% sure he'd take off if he could.

>>44775372
Wtf you say that like t4t is a bad thing. I feel bad for anyone who ends up with you, I hope they do not love you because that sounds awful loving someone who thinks they're settling.

>>44777335
it just greatly limits my options

>>44777340
Sorry if I was a bit harsh. Being a trainknee definitely makes finding love harder for many people.

>>44777210
These blanket feel good statements are always so deceptive and malicious, you don't know a thing about someone is circumstances you just want to feel better about yourself by pretending to be a good person

Dont make me tap the sign
>We are all grieving in our own way. Please respect how people process their emotions.

I have like 4 e-mail addresses that I use for all the garbage sites to catch spam and data leaks, but because corporations suck so bad, it's only my main e-mail account that keeps getting leaked and spammed and nobody seems to think it's an issue

>>44777210
>you are worth it
No lol
>despite how indifferent the world can feel you shouldn't give up.
They keep mentioning that euthanasia is an option for me

>>44777383
>deceptive and malicious
LMAO careful everyone, she's manipulating us! she wants us to feel a bit better about ourselves, the maliciousness is off the charts! You're projecting an awful lot of your fears onto the most milquetoast take care of yourself post ever, I feel bad for the both of you. She's clearly desperate to feel useful based on other posts by her and you seem very very burnt by people to be reaching this hard.

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bump
i wish anyone would love me

>>44779139
Same. I'm very lovesick (as my friend calls it) right now. Desperately just want that level of affection. Really want to be held

>>44779208
>>44779139
life is so cruel for soft trannies :(

Someone does love me very much but he lives on the opposite side of the planet and its so hard being apart from him now that we have been physically intimate

I've fallen for someone else that doesn't even know me just because of our online interactions
I'm so pathetic lmao

>>44779432
Same. same same same same same. I feel so guilty, she'd hate the real me yet I'm just here in hopes I'm wrong.

>>44779447
I know I don't stand a chance and even if I did then she's still on the other side of the world and I'm broke

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>>44767798
what exactly did you say? next time just keep any feeling of repentance or regret to yourself, no one cares because they'll either judge you or realize you want pitty and attention through virtue signaling. Keep your sins and take them to your grave

>>44779432
>>44779526
Heavily relate to this. It hurts so much. None of my friends are irl, so it's easy for me to love words on a screen, but it never goes the other way. I don't know how to change that

>>44779714
For me it's starting to change because I believe I'm ment to suffer like this so it's getting slightly easier to accept the constant misery

im crushing so hard it hurts why cant i just be normal theres no future there theres no way she likes me back why am i like this

>>44779806
Try not to fall too far into that. That helps for a while, but it'll take you to worse and worse places. Please be safe and love yourself even if you think no one else can

by not alleviating your misery you are not only torturing yourself but also people who care about you.

AND FOR THE RECORD I DO NOT MEAN KILLING YOURSELF AT ALL. I MEAN RECOVERY, BITCH

>>44779995
Shame no one really cares about me, huh!

>>44780074
WHY DONT YOU FIND ONE? I KNOW WHERE ONE IS! ITS YOU GIRLIE. CARE BOUT YOUR SELF GIRLIE.

i know sorry it's lame and it probably doesn't work but you have to be a bit delusional sometimes to drag yourself up.

>>44780106
I dont want to drag myself up. If I met another person like me, I would wish peaceful death upon them. Im awful and beyond saving

>>44780132
ok? what am I supposed to do about that? Why are you telling me this? maybe I'm no better because I have the tendency to say the same shit. I would say maybe you do deserve death but you're probably psychically gooning to that shit rn. Just stop fucking talking dude.

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the weight of the world feels like its on my back every day. i only work part time but it feels like a full time effort. im constantly exhausted. the only thing keeping me going is the hope ill be able to leave the country one day and have a better life abroad. being alive is such a herculean task for me. im not even suicidal anymore, im just on autopilot.

>>44779938
Thank you, but I have no hope of things improving so I'm just waiting until it gets too much and I'll kill myself. Probably this winter

okay listen bitch I'm going to yap because I'm waiting on my chicken to get to temperature so that I can finally have my psychotic delusions again. No I will not elaborate on that but I will give just enough to intrigue you. Anyway, all you are likely to do is just drag it out. I gave myself SO many 'final' ultimatums over the years like a little drama queen. I never told anyone about it, but I planned to be dead by 13, 16, 18, 20, 25, and so on. Guess what? I just turned 26 last month and I'm still fucking here. Maybe I was too much of a little pussi to do it, maybe there's some other reason, but ALSO I fucking gave up on myself in the meantime and didn't set myself up to live a normal life. I know that logic doesn't really help at all but it's true. You will never kill yourself quickly and easily, you will allow yourself to rot and become a husk of what you could have been.

ooooooook chicken is donzo bai bai :)

also it's difficult to kill yourself FOR SURE. Another reason why I never really attempted. I knew a guy who tried to jump off the roof of his uni first week of classes. He was extremely lucky to not shatter his spine but he couldn't walk for months. There's a good chance you'll fuck that up too basically.

>>44779989
>>44780208
>>44780254
I'm not sure if these are meant to be directed at me, but if so, you have no clue what you're talking about

>>44780158
Funny how quick the supportive words evaporated the second you got any pushback. Not everything can be solved by masterbating to your own blind positivity.

>>44780289
Always happens with these fake people
They only say something to feel better about themselves, they don't actually care about helping

>>44780275
>>44780289
>>44780308
I might be projecting. It's targeted at all the depressed anons ITT, though really it's targeted more at myself.

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Wow
nothign matters
its all fake shit
i am wasting my time until the next paycheck

>>44780343
lain!!! what a wonderful drawing. does she ever do that red eye thing in the anime or is it only in PSX?

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havent eaten anything in 2 days bleh, wrist hurts like crazy. it was fun being strung along for scrims though. im playing terribly but we're just laughing so its fine(i hope).
still just kinda sad, i dont know why, a sense of sadness just has been permeating through me lately. i dont like feeling like such a bother. Love you, thread.

>>44780370
i wouldnt know
i dont watch anime anymore nor ever played her game or watched that anime to completion

>>44780308
and again, one of the greatest factors against killing myself wasn't all the people going
>omg its going to get better ladykins
though that never hurt. it was seeing how badly you can botch a suicide attempt, like really fucking botch one. I attempted once and it was so shitty it was just traumatizing. I'm not trying to bootstrap or anything, you just have to do SOMETHING in your power to make yourself a bit less miserable and more functional because youre probably not going to die any time soon. Obviously I dont know your situation blah blah blah. I'm going to go back for more chicken so I don't have to pay LD

Just realized I could become president of the united states and people would still hate me and make fun of me for doing a bad job. This world is a dark cold place.

>>44780437
I think it's good that you want to help people, especially if you can speak from experience. I just don't think it works anonymously on 4chan when neither of us knows who the other is.
like
>I planned to be dead by 13, 16, 18, 20, 25, and so on. Guess what? I just turned 26
I've been there and I did stop with these plans, but I'm 33 now and things have consistently gotten worse
>you just have to do SOMETHING in your power to make yourself a bit less miserable and more functional because youre probably not going to die any time soon
Ever since I was 8 I have said that I wanted to die. I have been getting consistent help since I was 16. Like I said I'm 33 now so it's been the majority of my life at this point. The help I get now is just repeats of previous years or being told that euthanasia is an option. I've given it my best shot, I've tried for long enough, I think it's fair for me to say I no longer want to keep trying if everyone around me has given up too. I'm tired

>>44780170
I'm sorry. I wish I could give you a hug or provide some comfort. I hope you don't, though. I know how hard this is. I guess if you wanna talk more, leave a contact or something. It just seems like we can relate a bit and it might be good for you to have someone to talk to about stuff

>>44780478
Yeah fair. Maybe its self centered of me to type what I needed to hear at a younger age.

>>44780482
Thank you, I appreciate it a lot but I'm not sure it would do either of us much good to depresso wallow idk
I'm just listening to her vocaroos rn
>>44780500
I think your heart is in the right place but these things are already difficult enough when you know the person you're trying to help. Like the "you have to do SOMETHING" comment can really land the wrong way for someone that's been trying for so long already

>>44780559
thank you for your kind criticism. I'm going through it right now too so maybe I'm just frustrated. It hurts sometimes doesn't it?

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>>44780478
Yea 34 and the hopelessness after trying so hard for so long really starts to crack your soul apart. Im incapable of actually pulling the trigger due to a mix of deeply rooted spiritual beliefs and stubbornness, but I often wish a meteor would drop on my head or id have a heart attack in my sleep or the isekai bus would hit me. Sure my family would suffer and my, like, one good IRL friend would cry for me. My online friends would wonder why I suddenly disappeared. But my lifetime of suffering would finally, selfishly, end.
I dont even have it that bad compared to some people. Decent money, family, some people I care about, can do whatever hobby I want. But Im firmly convinced the nightmares will never stop and the person capable of stopping them and helping close the bottomless pit that sits where my heart should be simply doesnt exist and never will. And if it were me to be able to fix that, well, think Id already have done that. Ive wanted one thing my entire fucking life and its been proven time and again to be impossible.
Whew. Gonna go lie down and... try not to wish for my end too much.

>>44780559
Understood, I'll just wish you luck, then :)
I'm gonna do the opposite of what you're doing and try not to think about her at all, lmao

>>44780592
This is a vent thread so you can let it out too
It's just been getting on my nerves a bit in recent days because people love saying I'm doing great or that I still have plenty ahead of me when it's just meaningless words considering, It's not that deep but I guess in the past this place was full of other suicidally depressed people that got it

>>44780644
Yeah I've been sitting on that passive ideation for years now, but last oktober something broke in me. Things got better over summer but it's barely even autumn yet and I'm already crashing so I know what's coming.
Depression doesn't care about circumstances when it stems from something deeper. I've tried meds and therapy for so long but I believe it won't do shit if your reason for wanting to die is never addressed or improved upon.
>>44780649
Thank you, anon. I'm thinking I'll just indulge until the end

>>44780666
no point besides what i already have. nice trips btw

>>44781137
I feel so selfish. Why do I even bother trying to get close to people when it will always fall to ruin anyways. All Im capable of is poisoning others. I should just lock myself away from the world forever and stop hurting others.

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>>44781216
oh shush shush. You sound like me and I'm miserable.

it jsut sucks being a tranny sometimes. it feels disgusting to be attracted to anyone or to have anyone attracted to you. Before this, I was the weird ugly lesbian, so I tried very poorly to not feel that way. Now I'm a 'man' and women WANT me but I'm afraid (delusional to think i pass that well) they assume i have a penis and theyll find me disgusting jf they find out. tldr i can never have sex

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i dont like being so afraid of my feelings, why cant i just enjoy them for what they are like normal people do, well i do know. im not supposed to have them, the world isnt meant to be kind to me, so it feels alien and a warning than something to be happy with. im scared, i should be, but i dont want to be any longer.

I've been helping my friend out for weeks because she's been going through relationship and friendship drama. I've spent hours talking to her and comforting her.
Then recently I lamented to her how I've realised my best friend barely talked to me in over a year and she just goes "that's probably for the best" and that's it.
Why is it always one sided?

my mind has to be playing tricks on me, this feels like a dream, exactly like a dream. im floating in what has to be a dream concocted by my mind, im happy, im so happy, i will wake up and see it didnt happen or i completely misunderstood or im going insane but i will be happy for now

>>44767735
I transitioned. I pass, but I did some stuff around trans issues that's publicly facing, so I'm forever outed and can't go stealth. So, it's very hard for me to find stable work. I have ptsd, and couldn't handle the pain of bottom surgery, but I'm still dysphoric. I can't travel easily. I have other disabilities that make my life difficult, and I'm autistic so I fuck up social stuff anyway. Detransition would be awful, but my future feels so.... limited. I could do so much when people thought I was cis but I felt so wrong. I feel right now, but a good portion of society hates my guts, and the portion that doesn't doesn't care about me enough to defend my basic rights, and I can't even speak out about it because then it'd be even harder to get a job.

Why keep doing this?

TERRIBLE!

I dont care if our love is doomed, she proves I can be loved...

>>44783153
oh? tell us more

>>44783031
what is?

>>44783307
me and my feelings and how i express them

>>44783320
have you considered simply expressing them?

>>44783335
i...did? it was terrible, i suck.

>>44783299
There's major factors working against us. Namely distance and being in completely different life stages. But she came to me in a moment of extreme heartbreak where I felt unlovable and untouchable and showed me such overwhelming kindness that I couldnt help but be smitten. Reciprocal feelings, for the first time in a long time. A little bit of mutual obsession.
Im scared and a little sad knowing that it will probably fall apart, but I... I need this right now. Need her, just as much as she seems to need me.

>>44783367
thats adorable anon, i believe in you two

>>44783348
how did you express them?

>>44783400
honestly, which i think was a mistake.

>>44783367
>completely different life stages
elaborate a little, how different?

>>44783438
and how did they react?

>>44783468
disgusted, forcing a smile, i ruined everything.

>>44783516
what did you say?

>>44783447
Just in different parts of careers and life goals. Deapite being very early career tho she's managed to accomplish some things that I havent and probably wont for a while yet, so to me she reads as very well put together.

I'll never be an anime school girl, I should just die. Seriously.

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>>44783553

>>44783546
Don't want to elaborate here, just vulnerable feelings shit. I'm so stupid, annoying and gross.

>>44783597
are you sure?

>>44783592
Lmao thats the plan if I can ever close the distance!
Why must the women that like me always be so faaaaaar im so stupid

>>44783617
>Why must the women that like me always be so faaaaaar im so stupid
Huge mood

>>44783617
stop being a lesbian who falls in love with women halfway across the planet.

>>44783614
Not sure, but uncertainty is usually a sign of the worst.

>>44783623
Maam I am TRYING. I tried so hard to find someone with me and (maybe shitty person for this) used the presence of a friend of mine to soothe the loneliness in the interim but the best I turned up was a kinda boring lonely middle aged woman that I was completely sexually incompatible with. Blegh. Then my heart was just like "this one" and I cant even bring myself to half heartedly flirt with anyone else.

>>44783667
have you tried uhh asking them?
>>44783690
i've done the whole fwb to comfort yourself thing and it's NOT GOOD. I'm not a woman so maybe it's different. idk man good luck

>>44783709
It wasnt even FWB I was just romantically attached to a woman who could never reciprocate and I got VERY weird about it. Definitely not my best showing. ;[ Still love her bunches but alas.

>>44783754
was she married or something? I definitely know that feel of being into someone who can't like you back. Sadly you just have to move on and stop feeding it.

>>44783840
Yeeeup. Don't get me wrong, I had no illusions that there would ever be anything. I just. Yea.

There is something insidious about a woman talking this much about her barely an adult online girlfriend while she's got a husband and two children with her at home after getting laid . It is beautiful to see a classic story like this play out in the modern age.

>>44784388
*laid off/losing a job not laid lol

>>44784388
>>44784398
what do these mean

Hm, I think it's time to get off this hellhole site. Peace.

>>44785034
Nona thinks im dating a college age chick and has a lot to say about it. Funny thing is Ive been offline celebrating a bitrthday and then high as shit pretty much all day. Ive chatted a bit in Discord but i couldnt even be arsed to look at the thread til just now.
Anyways im off to bed. Goodnight thread

Actually, thats a lie, I made this >>44780644 post cuz I was spiraling just a big on dark thoughts, you know, as a treat. Whoops

>>44767735
What if two passoids went on a blind date

>>44785166
and how would that occur?

i cant stop crying. after everything im still just not cut out for this world

anyone here intersex? I'd normally count XXY and PCOS here but not in this case. curious

bump

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unfriended my codependent ex-friend after spending the whole summer ruminating about whether i should do it or not

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Need to internalize this. Need to fall in love with myself and save myself.

>>44786854
Picrel hit me harder than I was expecting from anything on 4chan this afternoon

Ive been silently detransitioning over the past two months without telling anyone and... i was right. It hurts so bad, but the emotional numbness that comes with being back on T is the only way I know how to be a functional adult. I simply waited too long. Added too many responsibilities to my life to allow myself to break down and try to figure out emotions. Anons were right, I should have repressed forever, and I fucked up my life and endangered people who cared about me by doing this. 3 years fucking wasted.
I simply was never meant to happiness. Fuck all of you. Fuck this whole garbage ass planet.

>be ftm
>all the women I end up attracted to are cis
>they either know me pre trans or don't know I'm trans
how do I just meet transgirls and do t4t? I'm not 'stealth', but I'm not exactly openly trans either.

>>44786854
I like that lil passage nona
>>44767735
I feel gaslit a lot, it's so clear people don't want to be around me and include me in their life but they won't tell me what I'm doing wrong or what's so offputting about me either.

im trying not to be paranoid about it because like... im not the most fun person to be around and maybe it's that... but im thinking this is a cis people moment and most of my life is going to be like this

it's really hard to balance saving yourself & being independent and not waiting around for help that isn't coming... with not just denying all your social needs.
i've denied my needs for so long that now when I accept them they feel scary and desperate and probably gross to other people, from having built up so much. I can keep a lid on it but how can i expect people to be patient with me learning to get my needs met in a healthier way, when because I haven't had those experiences and don't have those social skills, no one finds me desirable?

the conclusion I've come to is that I have to be careful about giving up on my needs because there's no reward for it. and there's no reward for being nice. it's much better to be true to the way you feel and not worry so much over whether you deserve it. as a person disliked by society you're damned if you do and damned if you don't anyway. I'm not forsaking connection or morality, but I'm not going to hold myself to a standard so much higher than everyone else anymore. people will tell you a lot of platitudes when you have concerns they don't personally understand, and I know that as a trans person I can't just lay low and hope I'll be ok. I have to become a valuable, interesting, maybe even exceptional person if I don't want to feel disposable, being nice isn't enough.
and it's great to be independent but at the same time I'm not going to torture myself for having emotional needs that are embarassing or inconvenient. most people are judging w/o understanding what it's like to go without

I met a fellow trans woman online and we've gotten close. I didn't actually expect much but when I had the opportunity to hang out with her in person I realized she's a total passoid. Fortunately I am also and she's into me so this should be fun

I realize that I've basically been delusional (in a bad way) for the past year or so? It ramped up in the past few months. It all started with waking up one day after a party thinking I had been raped when that was almost certainly impossible.

>>44787016
stay away from trans women you freak

i hate being a man in his 30s that wants to be a woman. i thought hrt would lessen the desire but no

its a shame ill never do what i need to do to be happy

>>44787016
is your problem meeting trans women or is it something else?

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I am a theyfab that cant stop feeling like a nb as much as i fucking hate feeling not quite male and not quite female and never fitting in anywhere even when i withdraw from everyone
I do not belong anywhere and I want to kms

>>44788669
so you're an enby but you want to rep because being an enby sucks socially? you should hang out with someone like me irl. it would be a shame to kys when there are other lonely but decent people out there

>>44787016
>t4t
trans man and trans woman are not meaningfully t4t in any way

>>44788914
i am boring anxiety riddled and cant drive regardless. it doesnt help that the last people i met up with just wanted to fuck
ive wanted to kms half my life but im a coward so i wont commit soon unfortunately

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The only things anyone really values are sex, cuteness, emotional connection, entertainment and wealth. Everything else is a lie or a cope.

Which I can’t complain about. I’m the same way. I’ve just put in so much time and energy into everything else that I feel wholly inadequate, I don’t have anything anyone wants other than being a vaguely comforting presence.

I haven’t been flirted with in almost a year. It’s fucking me up. I just want to disappear. I feel really close to a breaking point of either killing myself or going on a hunger strike and trying to become a human sex doll.

I’m so tired of being a loser and an emotional box for people to pour into. Everyone says I’m lovable and will find love but we all know that’s a lie they say to comfort me - at least in my current state.

I just feel constant pain in my heart and stomach from the rejection. Such incel shit.

>>44789013
elaborate bc how. both trans. different, but still trans for trans. don't ruin my hetgem & tell me trans men are incapable of a loving t4t relationship w trans women
>>44789018
where'd you try to meet up from if i can ask?
i am boring and anxious too, its a shame the world has no patience for boring and anxious people and it feels like we have to fix ourselves before we can have friends. or at least I kinda feel like that

>>44789060
I feel you anon, i feel like people lie a lot about what they really want out of people and tell a lot of platitudes. maybe its incel shit to ascribe such negativity to how the world works, too, and it does seem to work for some people? but it hurts realising oh, it was really about what basic stuff you could provide to people, all the other stuff you worked on doesn't really matter.

>>44789213
>don't ruin my hetgem & tell me trans men are incapable of a loving t4t relationship w trans women
the entire premise behind t4t as a label is a basis on understanding and shared experiences. if you choose to just take the name literally then it's technically t4t which is why I specified in a meaningful way. trans men and trans women have extremely different experiences and don't have the inherent understanding of the other. it's also not a 1:1 opposite experience between the two so you can't just flip your own experiences to get it. I don't believe a trans man can't love a trans woman but trans men and women aren't immune to holding bigoted beliefs toward eachother (transandrophobia and transmisogyny can still be felt to each other even if neither of you are transphobic). you can work through these differences and learn to understand each other, but the same can be said for t4c. the only real difference is physical safety but you can weed out a dangerous cis man very fast and easily. love trans men and love trans women but st4t is no way equivalent to t4t.

>>44789314
ok thats true i actually agree. i have a longterm trans guy friend irl and he doesn't understand my issues at all. he's like 20% of the way there compared to a cis guy because he's invested in defending transness at least but he has no clue what my problems actually are or how they work. so i guess i actually already agree with you

>>44789340
I just like st4t art and the delusion that trans men might treasure me the way a cis man might treasure a cis woman

ran out of medication for my brain i hope i dont do anything stupid in the meantime while it restocks

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Whenever I read about personality disorders and the habits/symptoms I think yeah that’s me everytime
Autism? Sounds like me
Bpd? sounds like me
Apd? Sounds like me
OCD? Sounds like me
Mdd? Sounds like me
Adhd? Sounds like me
I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but I have no idea what’s actually wrong with me I was a lot happier in highschool when I had friends and less responsibilities

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>>44789242
It does hurt. I feel so worthless and unwanted. Grotesque.

>>44789503
false alarm! phew. that was scary. probably doesnt matter, im unloveable medicated or no

>>44789606
I'm similar I think and I feel grotesque for getting caught up in trying to 'fix' or develop stuff about myself that maybe didn't matter or just was never going to be enough anyway.
it's kind of like, I put a lot of energy into what I internalised, and into internal stuff. but people only see what you externalise. and either my internal stuff was too messed up to turn into any kind of external power. or, everyone would've actually preferred if I was less complicated internally and spent more energy on what I can give to people
im not sure, for either of us, if the hurt and sense of disgust is because we did something wrong. or if it's just us hearing yet again that we're not good enough and wishing we could simply *be* good enough in the ways people blatantly desire, instead of being the complicated people we are. because being the complicated people we are sometimes feels gross and not worth it desu

I couldn’t stop crying abd laughing and crying again
I want and wanted so badly to lose control and just spiral but I know this too is fake
Goodnight

>>44788222
Nice trips you fucker!
>>44788523
meeting trans women. not a big community here.

>>44789213
West usa, and yeah, i agree, i have a lot of interests but to branch out more in actual legitimate hobbies if i need the money to do it, but i do not and will not have it to spend as a poorfag

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>mtf
I've been fighting extreme self hatred lately. My relationship ended about 6 months ago, which was wonderful my ex was physically abusive and a drunk. I think i over estimated my dating prospects however. I get likes and matches sure. But conversations go nowhere, its like people lose interest in me so fast anytime im attracted to them. The only people that talk to me consistently are people im just not clicking with and... its not really talking. Just barely communicating.

I also have a friend I made from here that has just slowly stopped talking to me. I notice ive had to start every convo lately and they end quickly.

I just feel like such a loser. Someone nobody wants around. Ive been crying more and more lately. I think I confused the concept of passing of being treated like an actual woman when dating.

Nope. Still a tranny. Never going away either. I cant medicate or diet or style my way out of this. Im just.. me.

Ive even branched out.
Men, women. Other trans women. Everytime I talk its like people wanna leave. Maybe im insufferable. Idk. I just really have hated myself so much these last couple months.

I did start seeing one person for a while. 5 dates. They told me they weren't ready and blocked me after a couple weeks of being 'friends'


I just feel the only people I have are my small friendgroup of chuds and even then, I suspect they just tolerate more than they actually want me around.

>>44792662
seconding >>44788222
don't interact with women

>>44793410
why? are ftms only for other ftms?

guhh, i think im falling in loooove and thats scaaaary

I miss Juju

I had a hard time for most of the day today. Spent probably over an hour on the verge of tears just thinking about stuff. About me, the people in my life, just struggling in general. I hate that I'm needing to rebuild myself again. I don't know if it's because I finally transitioned and am living my life or I just got so bad in the past few years that I have to redo it, but I find myself having to relearn things I should know already. I feel like a child. Some level of developmental stunting is common with trans people from what I've heard, but god, I hate this. I didn't realize I was this bad. At least I can get better, but I'm so tired. It seems like me calling the thread "isolation edition" was apt this time. A lot of people also dealing with hurt of being alone or pining after someone. I wish you all luck and hope for whatever the best outcome is for all of you :)

how do you stop lying when people ask if youre ok

I'm scared I'm gonna ruin my life and lose the chance to do basically everything I wanted to do with my life

I feel like I'm broken, missing something fundamental to being an actual person. Almost every day I wish I could be normal. For my own sake, but also so I could stop putting the people who love me through suffering. I don't deserve them.
I also constantly fuck up. I wouldn't be surprised if my bosses stop tolerating it and fire me in the near future. The only reason I haven't gotten the boot yet is because they're so shorthanded that they probably can't afford it, but who knows how long that will hold up if the other side of the scale keeps tipping.

waking up and wondering if last night really happened or if you're schizo and just imagined nice things happening to you

>>44767735
i can hear her screaming inside
i just want to die and let her live instead
but i have to manmode for fucking years before we'll be ready

i just want everything to be over

What if someone asked a ftm out on a blind date? He's a cutie

bump

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happiest ive been in years which means the impending despair might finally bring me to kill myself

I'll never be an anime school girl, why bother? why even live?

>>44799532
Ngl kinda same. I dont think Ive been the kind of happy I am right now in over a decade. When this thread finally snaps, my sanity is going to go with it. Ill definitely try to at least enjoy this last shred of happiness while it lasts.

I went to the hospital today just to fill a paper and while standing in line I was so engrossed in the document checking if everything was right I didn't notice the receptionists were calling for me to get in and the woman beside me politely told me it was my turn and that put my head back on earth but I turned to see her and she had a look of dread and fear in her face and she instantly ran to sit at the table with a receptionist I didnt even get a chance to say anything
What the fuck am I even doing trying to live as a normal person I hate being autistic so much

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>>44772003
SHE LIKES SOMEONE ELSE BRO IM SO COOKED IM SO COOKED IM SO COOKED

>>44800216
kek

I ruined my life because i trooned out all over a girl i wanted to be with. The worst part is she ended up being with a guy and is so happy and anounced shes pregnant. They are living their nice dream life while i feel like i was led on by her for the last 5 years, i feel scammed, robbed of so much time and energy that i wasted trying to be with her and now im this. I was just a normal guy like him before but i slowly became a tranny. I could have been that guy if i wasnt such a no confidence loser. I hate myself so much its unreal.