I realize that I'll probably never pass. Being openly trans in my country would make me a laughing stock. I'm not even sure if I'm really trans desu. I don't fit the role of a woman, yet for some reason I'm really not okay with my masculinity and masculinizing further. I don't have and never had female friends.In general I'm a weirdo, and socially awkward to new people. I don't crave love anymore, nor connection. I'm 18 btw.I kinda gave up on caring for this meat bag of a body I'm stuck in. Only doing just the most basic of needs. My plan is to continue taking hrt, and manmode forever. No reason for me to get a haircut or buy new clothes rlly. I look like a weirdly feminine masculine faced loser with badly styled long hair.
>>44779154>I'm 18 btwI was about to agree and say same until I read that part.
>>44779168Puberty did me bad. I'm 6'0. My face has expanded facial planes. For my chin I'd need to get ffs which I'll probably not afford untill I'm 30 or something. My body with fat distribution maybe could pass as twinkhon, but face def not. I'm not larping.
I gave up on fully transitioning socially a long time ago, but I still take care of myself, I don't dress up and only wear old men clothing but I brush my hair and use creams and such, I'm super vain.
>>44779186It was over for me by age 14 so I can sympathize, but you probably still mog me.
>>44779154I'll probably kms in +-10 years, I'm sure. Unless this neutral stance of not caring lasts forever. There's a great comfort in the certainty of giving up.
>>44779219Don't kill yourself, live out of spite instead.
>>44779238Nah I'm not planning to. Living out of spite is great and all. I still have uncomprehensible amounts of content to consume, create, and learn. I just know myself, I know how emotionally unstable I am. I know that there will be a day where I'm feeling such despair that It'll happen regardless if I truly want it or not. One time was close. I was feeling such an intense desire to shut of my consciousness from the pain, that I almost threw myself under a car, but my legs wouldn't move, yet I could imagine them running.
>>44779154I started hrt and never started to malefail and I have short hair since long hair makes me more masculine
>>44779272Just remember that some of the worst most annoying people in the world would cheer at a tranny dying. If you can learn to take the seething of normalfags and use it as lifefuel instead, you'll stop caring and start living.
>>44779314I know that I should stop caring. That's what I kinda did. I stopped caring about my body ever being the way I want it to be. Currently I feel pretty okay, since I'm busy with studying for my graduation exams. But I'm just scared that a time will come where this flips, it hapened a lot desu.
>>44779358>I'm just scared that a time will come where this flipsFelt, yeah I've just gotten to the point where most things don't really effect me anymore which helps as does focusing on stuff I'm actually interested in.
Happiness isn't really a goal in and of itself it's more a side effect of doing other stuff. It's not something you achieve, you just encounter it sometimes and enjoy it while it lasts. Try to do things that seem meaningful to you and don't get too caught up in the details. If you gotta veg for a while there's nothing wrong with it. It's better to let yourself rest than beat yourself up over it, the mental anguish is only helpful if it results in action, otherwise you're just burning yourself out for nothing.
>>44779154I wish I was 18 every decision I made since then I'm in the shit so deep I will never have my own life.
