most actively suicidal i've ever been for many reasons but one thing connecting all of them is feeling absolutely placeless as a lesbian trans womani've been at this for 4+ years, sort of slowly drifting from city to city for the last two years, and there's many individual friends, exes, colleagues etc that i love dearly scattered across north america, but i feel so utterly sidelined and alien in some combination of ways in every localized trans scene/social group i've been in or adjacent to. and i've been around a *lot*. i feel not austic enough in 75% of them and too autistic the other 25%. i have this weird combination of a way-passier-and-more-fuckable-than-average body and a way-clockier-than-average face that leaves me a repeat perfect target for all sorts of sexual objectification by other trans women. i'm not on discord, i'm not on here (this is probably my first post on 4chan period since i was like 15, and i'm almost 30 now), i'm not a furry, i'm not poly, i'm extremely sensitive & emotionally volatile. i have a stupid amount of sexual trauma that makes casual sex hard and i can't handle any sort of fuck-your-friends group dynamics - i tried for a long time and it just doesn't work for me for so many reasons. i wish it did. it seems like such a nice, fun, fulfilling thing for so many of us. people see me as extremely "cis woman brained" or whatever (even pretransition), in both positive and negative ways, and i know that's something i'm supposed to want, and maybe i would want it in some magical universe where i passed physically or audibly at all. but as it stands, my nature only serves me to intrinsically alienate me from so much of my community and i wish i wasn't like this. and i can't even say that because it sounds like i'm calling other trans women "malebrained" or somethingnot even gonna get into what all this means for datingi don't know where i'm going with this. i'm fizzling out. i'm just so tired of existing and everything fucking hurts
>>44784319smoke weed
>>44784343already doing that lol it is kind of the only thing keeping me numb enough to not kms currently
>>44784359time to move on to ketamine then
>>44784363ahaha yeah maybe if i do enough ketamine i can reverse-assimilate properly
>>44784422surely there's some other aspect of your personality that could be the basis for finding belonging? hobbies? religion? career?
>>44784446without getting too specific, i do have that with the field of creative work i exist in. that's how i know a lot of the aforementioned scattered loved ones, all of whom have their own cohesive established social circles
>>44784520>without getting too specifichard to give advice with all this vagueposting, Laura. also hard to understand exactly what the problem even is. you can't join one of those social circles because...?
>>44784595>you can't join one of those social circles because...?the answer to this is the bulk of the original posti have these individual connections, but i am not capable of fitting in to the group social/sexual/romantic architectures that seem to somewhat universally permeate circles within the one identity group that i am intrinsically pretty limited to fully Being In Community with because of the way i look and the way things are
>>44784319Bump for twin peaks
>>44784319I have maybe one friend and I've known them for 14 years.I haven't made any new friends since then, some brief acquaintances at most.One ex, which actually makes me a bit better than a lot of men.I think you should count yourself lucky for the gifts you still have in your life since, by the sound of it you have many more than I or most men do.It's not a sentiment to help you out of your rut, but it is a reminder that your idea of rock bottom has room to dig so maybe gain some perspective. If I'm still alive against the advice of everyone including my own guilt, what's your excuse?Yes I'm comparing suffering, yours is small and gay compared to mine. Get real.
