hi friendsi have been feeling like trash the last few days, but what's really been getting to me isn't exactly the loneliness or dysphoria or anything mental, it's just.. pressure. pressure to become a useful member of society. i am a humanities undergrad but i am studying backend development, doing some very beginner projects, while indulging in some leetcode for fun, to hopefully get a start in the industry a few years down the line.but until then, it feels like im a waste of resources. whenever i hear that my family, especially my mom, who is struggling a lot with her own mental health issues and rent being really high for her, and my dad, who makes a lot of money but is far away from all his children, support me, i feel this immense pressure to live up to their standards. i don't think i can hold any job right now, probably only a job at a supermarket stocking shelves so i can zone out and forget about everything else. but im a lithe and weak tranny so im not good at that either.i don't want to use the excuse of being depressed or having adhd, i am on 5 different medications atm and my mind feels fucked beyond repair, but sometimes i can hack my brain into doing a decent amount of work. it's just that waking up the next day and knowing i have to keep up the pace is really overwhelming, and i want to do it, but after a while, it's always caught up with me. for years i have gone through several month long cycles of intensely focusing on something but not getting good enough at it so i feel satisfied, and then i burn out for like a month, and i have to restart all over again, trying to find all sorts of ways to make myself be productive.
and now that im back in my dorm, in the middle of a big city, i feel like i can focus more, but i also feel sadder. i know im gonna be back to days where i have to force myself to shower, skipping meals regularly and losing weight as a result, not being physically active, and having the bus driver sometimes be the only person i talk to for a whole day. my trans roommate from last year is gone too so im 90% sure ill dorm with a cis girl this year, which is gonna create all sorts of constant anxieties and intrusive thoughts whenever im in my room.the solution to all of this is to keep trying to improve my life, and i will, it's just that it's so tiring, and it's like i need a lot of motivation every day, just to do barely anything really. gone are the days of 14 year old me during the pandemic watching minecraft youtubers. i think about what it would be like if i were dead, but that's only daydreaming, i can't give up, with so many people wanting me to do well. im just thinking all the time about how useless i am, thats all. thx for listening
oh... also, i... uhm... im feeling incredibly gassy rn >_<
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