Do you see this game? This fucking game... I don't remember it too well now, its been a while, but was one of the first times I ever really felt like a got to be a woman and here's the thing too; it was the last time I felt it as strongly. I only know this now because I watched some gameplay footage of it to remember how it made me feel. I didn't even know it really had so much to do with my dysphoria/euphoria, and yet the sense of pureness, the sense of being in the right body for real and having my whole life feel like that pervaded as I watched it. But I don't understand. This shouldn't be a thing. There's nothing left to really "do" with me, gender-wise, and yet I cried while I skipped through the gameplay, with this sense of naturality in me just watching a young adult woman be as such. Fucking why? Why do I have this longing still?What the fuck is left? What the FUCK is left?I got my vulvoplasty, I got my clothes, I even got a life-long partner. Yeah, I'm too lazy to do makeup, but it would be misogynistic to say that makes me a woman. Besides which, I do pass. So what the fucking hell does this dysphoria want from me??I already did everything. And, yes, I do feel better. But why is it still there? I'm not even a person of color and yet this game... I don't get it. What do I feel like this game is giving me that I don't have? What am I supposed to do? Why can't I just feel complete? I got a goddamn major surgery done and felt better. Significantly. Why isn't it over?? I HATE this. I don't even visit this board (I mostly just used it for self-loathing, basically) so much any more. I've been off for months and was sporadic before than. Ive grown the fuck up. What does this, frankly, disease want from me? Is it just that Dreamfall reminds me of if Harry Potter wasn't shit? But it feels like it's gender-related. I don't understand. I just wanted to remember the game, not spiral into dysphoria. God help me. Is this part even about my gender any more? Fuck
And yet it is about my gender. I don't know how much it is, but it is. I'm scared to think what it could be. I could think of some things, but its all... I mean I don't want to not be finished. Surgeries suck. I don't want to need to do anything else or for it to have anything to do with anything else. Maybe I just need to learn to use makeup and that will fix it. Yeah, maybe I was wrong. I just gotta learn makeup really good and then I can feel like a woman.
Yeah. I just gotta exercise a bit more and eat right and then I'll feel like a girl. Lol pretty stupid I would care to look like one of those skeleton girls from the 90s. I'm not even Hispanic not that I have a problem with that, but yeah.Hey I just gotta learn makeup and lose some of the stress weight I've gained. Maybe I'll go to makeup store so I can have my makeup done for free. I can feel better then. I just need to keep working at feminity... forever...But hey it's better than dysphoria, right? Like plenty of women perform femininity......
Its not like I'm being basic or something. Cuz I'm not. I know plenty of woman who are femme like me. I mean they're straight, but so what? I'm probably bi any way. I mean, I prefer women, but I can't be basic. Surely this isn't me being...Oh god help me what the fuck is my brain doing. Why am I panicking like this.
