five years into hrt and i feel kind of overwhelmed by regret. i’m mostly passable and strangers don’t stare at me on the street anymore, but im profoundly unhappy. i did everything ‘right’— ffs, voice training, etc, and I still feel as totally disconnected from the world and the people around me as I ever have. i’m having to really reckon with what i’ve done to myself and it hurts.pretransition i was a suicidal alcoholic and even so now I look back at that moment as the high point of my life.ask me anything i guess
>>44796174why do you regret it? is it just that it didn't help with the real issue of disconnection, or do you wish you'd stayed a man?
>>44796188i was never really a man to be honest. i transitioned at 18ish and i was always the sort of twiggish autistic type so genuine manhood is alien to mewhat it feels like and what i regret about it is that ive given over some kind of grace or innocence. i feel tainted now, irrevocably so. ill never be clean again
>>44796205bad wording, i think most trans women are not rly men in the first placein transitioning you gave over some innocence? hm. could it just be that you're older and the world is darker? or that being trans makes the world pretty dark sometimes in terms of how people view you, and it's hard to maintain a sense of innocence through that?I'm 3 years into hrt and i regret a lot but i don't regret transitioning
>>44796227maybe being in the closet gave me some justification for how profoundly damaged i felt. but it hasn’t gone away since. at least back then i could pretend there was some other way to be, you know? now there’s nothing left but me, and i don’t like knowing what i am.
>>44796253that's rough but i think i understand. its gutting to still feel broken & not know where to go after trying to fix yourself through transitioneverything is more complicated than the labels we put on it
>>44796259im trying to work up the resolve to give up. i am very tired of being in pain
>>44796276why do you think you're in such pain?
>>44796174This will be me in a couple of years and I already hate it. I still desperately wish that transition could finally make me feel human, but I know that will never be the case
>>44796174You should hit the gym and get a hobby
