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>>44813280
outed as trans and 200$ headphones broken in the same day

To be honest, it would probably be easier and a lot more comfy to just stay home and live my life and be happy. Ask anyone else and what they'd say is I'm being kind of stupid and I do think there's some truth in that. Still, I'm willing to take the risk and see how it goes.

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girl, its not about being 'super big brain' smart or anything like that, I'm more impressed by how you managed to do all that shit without having to pay for most of it. probably took a lot of planning hmmm? good move to not indebt yourself to your parents and boost your resume.

why am i even still thinking of this.

>>44813317
what are you risking? I hope it's worth it. I am on a similar path

so very alone…

>>44814186
why? romance or?

i just know im going to find a way to ruin this wonderful thing we have... im sorry to you ahead of time, im too selfish to break it off. im too attached at this point

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>>44813280
I haven't drawn in months and I hate this but I crave attention enough to post it here shamelessly.
idk, I guess I have the excuse that it's paired with a vent, I hate my art, I hate that we don't draw ever, I hate that I hate my old friends. I'm jealous of him, so much it hurts.
I wish I had a life like his, maybe it's not easy, but at least he's not constantly scared.
Whatever, one day I'll make it, I'll be 35 and have a small friend group and I'll be one day away from suicide and never feel comfortable but it'll be a cycle for years, and I won't realize that life is okay like that. but it will be.

I've repressed parts of myself so long I struggle to tell the difference between genuine emotion and delusion. I've misread simply feeling like a normal person as "having a worryingly high mood" and trying to 'correct' it. I try to fight being happy for no goddamn reason. This is also the reason why I feel like I have never loved another person, as I struggle to believe that without putting it in the crazy bucket. I fear stepping too far outside and being taken advantage of.

>>44813280
Might be a retarded question but i it really so bad/painful to kms by hypothermia? might get alcohol involved and/or do it near a lake to soak myself in water to speed it up
t. uggy faggot moid

https://youtu.be/BMPT0_DHhB4
i am nothing without you but nothing with you
let the nightmares cease
please

i cleared my entire servicenow incident queue today after letting literal dozens of tickets pile up over the past two months or so and then had a meeting with my manager during which i burst into tears and confided in him about the fact i had a couple of difficult situations in my personal life and have been struggling with depression and grief. i'm still sorta cringeing thinking about it but he was understanding and said if i want to take some time off i can. i guess however much i've fucked up it's salvageable because he still wants to delegate a pretty important part of his work that involves having access to sensible user data to me, but i need to do something about the mess that is my personal life first or else this is going to keep happening to me. i don't even have the energy to do basic self-care tasks like washing my hair or dressing in anything apart from baggy sweatpants and t-shirts right now, i feel horrible. i hate this time or year, i just want summer to end already, it's almost october and it's STILL HOT IN THIS FUCKING COUNTRY!!! i grew up in a place where the average summer day is like 19°C and rainy and i'm never gonna get used to this bullshit continental climate, i can deal with the colder winters but every summer is worse than the last. the temperatures are one thing but the shitty trains and trams with no AC and homes with no proper airflow make it completely unbearable. let it be december already.

I'm gonna make you miiiiine

Hewo I’m autistic and I have a twitter it @JamieGoons33

>>44815583
god please i wish a girl would want me to be her's

>>44813280
i dont even feel like a human

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I spend quite a lot of my time like pic related. And I am too scared to vent. Because everyone around me is also very depressed and I am terrified of making them sad. It kinda includes this board as well and thats why I can't even vent

>>44813316
NOOooo what in the headphones broke? If the cable then you can fix them ez.

im a 27yo kissless virgin (i have held hands tho) and my only friends are two couples. everytime we hang out is a reminder of what i can't have because i was born incorrectly. all ive ever wanted is a normal life and im never going to get it.

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I don't really know any female singers. I can't stand listening to women sing. I'm envious of their beautiful and often angelic voices. I'm afraid that no matter how hard i could train, I would never sound as good as they do. I was simply not meant to sing. All of this makes me want to never pick up my guitar again. I know it may sound weird, but I just can't help it. I'm sad about having such a dumb ugly voice. I wish I wasn't ruined by testosterone...

>>44816811
Yea... yeeeaaaa... a friend of mine is a trans singer and her voice is amazing so it gives me hope but FUQ is it hard some days. Ive put down voice training again and my music kinda went with it again because I was driving myself to tears even tho I was making progress and when combined with recent life situation issues that was quickly headed towards "she died trying to cut her own vocal cords out" territory.
Anyways. Keep going. Its hard but its not hopeless. The voice is a wonderfully malleable thing.

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>>44814481
I also haven't drawn in a while, and I also hate my own art. I lurk certain drawthreads and want to participate all the time but I always find some reason not to, like I'm tired from work, too depressed, or just telling myself not to bother because it won't look good anyway. And the few times I did draw something it's like I'm completely at a loss to figure out what got me to go through with it in that instance.

Maybe the job has something to do with it, I mean I sit in a cubicle all day doing pointless bullshit nobody cares about, and it honestly makes me wish for death to the point where I numb myself every day. But I never stop thinking about art and the possibilities it could bring to my life. I fantasize about quitting and doing nothing but creative things but of course I tell myself I can't make money that way so I continue living this pointless life. Doesn't help that I'm generally pretty lazy and end up dumping time into other hobbies even though drawing is the only thing that brings me (albeit short-lived) fulfillment.

Anyways sorry for the schizo babble. Is the jealousy you feel related to your old friend's art abilities? I've felt that way countless times too. It's difficult to not compare yourself to them, but I try to remember that they don't have my abilities or ideas either, however amateurish I am at my craft. If I could wake up tomorrow and live the life of my favorite artist, I'm not sure that I would, simply because I don't want to lose the ideas that I have. As miserable as it is I just have to accept the thankless grind that it would take to get to that level. Maybe I'm wrong and you feel jealous for other reasons, but even in that case I can still tell you you're not alone.

Oh, and I think your art looks really good. I love charcoal as a medium so I admire the handiwork here even if it was done digitally. Not to mention cute birb.

>>44817267
I'll keep on trying but recently I'm really in the "I'll shut up and never speak again" mood. Hopefully It'll get better once i get back the motivation to train my voice.

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i havent formed any relationships in almost a year and the one person who stuck around with me hardly talks to me anymore. all the energy i used to have is gone and im just a detached husk of my former self, plugging away through each day until i run out of the little fuel i have and break down never to start back up. im the closest ive been in years to actually going through with an attempt and it scares me. whatever happened to my hope? whatever happened to my ego? how do i go back to being the person i used to be? the person who lived for the moment and did whatever they wanted without a care for what the rest think? i want to feel again. i want to be loved again. i want to be free again.

>>44817715
>>44817715
gosh, i feel this so much, right now a lot of things in my life are coming together to make me really sad and needing to constantly reassure myself that my loneliness and uselessness is only temporary, every day is a struggle. do u wanna talk?

>>44815031
Its not painful if you have enough dedication. The bliss from death is orgasmic ... and eternal

>>44815803
Should have just stayed normal.

>>44813280
Extremely depressed and overly on edge. I freak out and panic at the slightest thing and become overhwhelmed having to interact with people. I have such a strong desire to escape and be alone and forget about everything in this life. But I can't even direct myself towards anything consistent. I keep waking up with a different set of memories and feelings about life/people. Days or weeks pass without me realizing or I suddenly become conscious partway through the day. My sense of self has been obliterated and this has destroyed most of my relationships with others in the past. I'm considering breaking up with my gf and leaving my last few friends to become a hermit. It would be so much easier.

>>44818094
i rlly rlly rlly want to u have no idea but its probably for the best if we dont. nothing good has ever come out of knowing me lol and any good feelings you get out of it will fade in a few weeks at most. i dont want to bring another person down with me again. im sure things will get better though anon. theres probably someone youll meet who will make your life worth living again. i truly believe it ^^

>>44818280
we can just talk about eachother, we don't have to vent our hearts out! i just thought you sounded interesting and like someone i could hold a nice conversation with based on ur vent post, i can post my dummy discord account if thats more comfortable for u

feeling weak and losing the ability to eat or do much physically again.

>>44818303
@heartrennde

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>>44813280
I'm addicted to fags

I’m not your customer service that you think the answer is going to somehow change or that you can call when you feel bad, I’ve told you multiple times to stop contacting me and that I want nothing NOTHING to do with you. I don’t care if you don’t think you have closure, that’s your problem. I don’t care if you can’t stop thinking about me, have some self-control.
Stop contacting my parents, stop sending me emails, stop stalking my socials and stop making new phone numbers to try call me, or I will get police involved.

>>44819070
>If you think you know anon, but dont have decisive evidence, no, you probably don't.

i am nothing but dead weight. i am a despicable attention seeking bipolar bitch. a neurotic autistic retard.

>>44819070
>If you manage to mindfuck yourself into believing that anon is someone you know, you need to touch grass before you post something stupid

>>44819087
This post doesn’t concern you unless your name starts with a J.

>>44819193
... so one of the most common first initials for tgirls?

>>44819217
He’s a cis man.

>>44819217
why are you acting like it could be you hmm?

i will never pass, i will never be a woman, i will never have a life worth living. im just waiting until i have the courage to kill myself. i will be never be remembered

I edge myself too close to the sun every day with my posts.

>>44819601
you edge yourself every day?

>>44819601
im gonna edge u every day anon

>>44820007
I touch myself every day but I'm too impatient to edge, unless it's mental.

>>44820026
depends, what sort of being are you? how can you edge me?

Met someone new and we talked and flirted for 5 hours straight. Meanwhile I haven't even been able to make any friends in the past 2 years because I'm too retarded. That's just on weed though but the flirting was when I was drunk too. I need to become an alcoholic

fuck you prog for making me so receptive to women's words, its so painful feeling my heart go wild over things nobody ever means

i feel like there is some kind of entity that stole into my brain one night a long long time ago and has been poisoning it ever since. everything good i think about i have to ruin by thinking about something scary and horrible whenever something nice happens to me i have to sabotage it, there are things i know i have to do but whenever i try and do them it poisons me again and ruins it
i hate it

>>44820127
It was me, I stole your brain and poured rat poison all over it for funsies!

imagine a woman who loves you.

>>44820443
I started to contest, then I saw a selfie of my gf who is madly in love with me... yea...

I have a hunch that all biowomen are part of a woman hivemind that selectively targets males for assimilation or elimination against their will

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I’m paralyzed. I don’t know what I am or what I should be. I don’t know whether to take T or start wearing makeup again. I don’t know whether I should try to make friends or let go of the ones I have, if I even have them. I don’t know what I want, but I know that I hate where things are. I hate how I look. I hate how I act. I hate what I like. I spend all my time narcissistically looking inward, critiquing myself, analyzing myself, feeling sorry for myself, and still I have no answers. The only people I talk to are a few old high school friends in a group chat, none of whom have responded in weeks, despite my sending messages multiple times a day. That’s my only socialization. Even if I had friends, I wouldn’t be able to tell them about all my problems because I’d just be inflicting my own misery on them for no reason. I don’t know. I’m paralyzed. I think I’ll grit my teeth and wait life out.

The things I would like to complain about are so unbelievable that I would look like an insane person to begin complaining about them. No one will ever know.

>>44813280
Today I'm starting to realize that maybe I was being stupid and getting ahead of myself and I agreed to make plans with someone who might not actually be into it.

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i'm awake at 3AM and throwing off my schedule even though it's now friday and if i don't go to bed i'm going to miss finishing a track with my bestie tonight aaaaaaa why is brain so fucked lol

my parents just refuse to let me have a good day ever

>>44821341
what sort of plans? maybe you'll have fun anyway?

>>44820443
I can't anymore

>>44822202
there's all sorts of women who can love you for all sorts of reasons.

>>44822228
And all sorts of women cheated on me and used me
I'm just not someone that gets chosen

how do i stop being a loser in my mid 20s and just... exist in the world? i used to have access to a more robust and outgoing circle, but time and my behavior has changed that. how tf do i do it alone?

>>44820443
I wonder what she’d look like?

>>44822489
i don't know?! why would that matter more than the love?

>>44822591
well for the imagining part obviously.
what is the conceptual ideal of a woman?

>>44821341
Elaborate

>>44821341
Discuss it with them find out if they really want to. Just communicate. You should do it fast because if you're talking about plans, I assume it's for the weekend

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clothes shopping is making me really wish i was still young and skinny lol i kept telling myself i'd wait until i lost weight before reinventing my style but i've been trying to lose since january and yet i've stayed around BMI 28. i literally work out for two hours almost every day and i don't even feel like i eat that much, i cut out alcohol and junk food, etc. like i'm firmer and have more muscle mass and a flatter stomach now at least but i miss when i used to weigh like 25kg less and i used to be able to wear tomboyish stuff, just let clothes hang off me. now i have huge tits and 44 inch ass while my waist is only slightly bigger than it was when i was in my mid 20s and it SUCKS i can't wear anything. being both tall and curvy is so hard to dress for especially for workwear.

>>44822603
I sat with this for a long time and I’ve come to the conclusion that it would either be a 15 meter tall teal lady with multiple arms, or some kind of fuzzy creature

I'm one of the luckiest people in the world. Good job, good partner, easy transition, supportive family, an awesome community around me.
I don't feel I deserve it. I spend time trying to blow it up instead of enjoying what I have, looking for something new before I need to. I hurt myself, I lash out against people close to me and hurt them. I don't give any thought to the next day, only to the present, and try to justify it as making up for lost time.
I'm done with that. I'm going to deserve it now. I will let the stillness eat me alive if that's what it takes, but I'm not going to hurt myself anymore. No matter what. I have to deserve it.

>>44824311
Deserve and not deserve is bullshit. Fucking stop that. Enjoy what you have and most of all, pay it forward. Dont tear yourself apart just so you can feel like you have what you deserve. Use your good fortune to help elevate others. If your cup is overflowing, pour some for another. Dont just smash the cup.

what the hell do you want from me. what have i ever done to make you think i'm your equal. i'm a worthless disgusting parasite, and you've already caught a glimpse of my filthy nature. so why do you keep calling. you'll be ok without me. just let me rest. just leave me alone damn it.
ok well i don't actually want you to do that ahaha but i don't understand why you don't hate me i mean i think you should and i think it's unreasonable that you don't and i'm not making sense am i i'm just being stupid again
and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and

>>44822603
>>44822489
I just need a woman who loves me. Are you trying to get at something or?

>>44824542
why would anyone, especially that person, hate you?

>>44824542
Sounds like you've found someone who loves YOU. Actual love sees the flaws and accepts them. It sits with you while you cry and piece yourself back together. It doesnt run at the first sign that you are somehow imperfect. It doesnt shy away from the hard and rough parts of you.
And truth be told, youre probably being much harder on yourself than you should be.
There doesnt need to be an ulterior motive to be around people we care about, even when theyre a little ugly sometimes.

>>44824542
I have a friend that I did something kinda messed up to. I looked around online for advice given to people who were on the receiving side of that... asked confidants what they would do... even queried 4ch here and there... and the answer was the same across the board: "You should cut ALL ties immediately and get far far away from them no matter what." And yet she is still talking to me, somehow. And acting like she wronged me. And saying the exact same stuff youre saying. And I dont get it. How can someone be wronged and then demand hatred as if they wronged me? Is it an attempt to make me be the one to cut the thread, so she doesnt have to feel like the one who gave up somehow? It doesnt make sense. How can I even begin to feel hateful about how things happened when the expected result was total loss and the actual situation is somehow attempting to rebuild a friendship that mattered a lot to me? (Or at least feeling like it)
Gonna... remind myself of
>If you think you know anon, but dont have decisive evidence, no, you probably don't.
but you talk like her and she does check this thread occasionally so... whoever you feel you wronged, understand that it is their decision as a person to decide how they feel about things. A lot of people (myself included) dont like to resort to hate - hate is a painful and miserable feeling to hold in your heart. And if you really did do something wrong, quit self-flaggelating and actually fix it.

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I am completely obsessed with being Kris Dreemurr from Deltarune. It began like, a year after I started transitioning.

i think... i think it was a bad LSD trip that started it. i suddenly became hyper-aware of just how badly my body's been ruined by male puberty and it inadvertently uncorked all the childhood trauma i'd been sitting on top of and my brain just. it fucking broke, dude. i felt like a fucking stupid, depressed, abused kid again in the worst way possible.

Every single horrific fucking memory, all the times my parents beat me, when they screamed at me, having to hide who i was, watching my body mutate into something horrible, it just replayed itself in my head in 4k. Like, ordinarily i have coping strategies to calm my shit down but nothing worked, i was literally just as helpless to do anything about it now as I was then and it just made me spiral even harder. it was just hours of pure torture.

The only thing i could hold on to that didnt make existing painful was pretending i was Kris. the psychs were really good at boosting my imagination, at least. i kinda just curled up and envisioned myself turning into them, getting shorter, more androgynous, slender... and i felt like myself again. i just stayed like that for hours into the night, hugging myself until i calmed down. There was a part of myself that felt unbelievably stupid and pathetic for doing it, and it definitely was both of those things, but shit... i hadnt felt like myself in forever till that night.

I think i got addicted to feeling like that. Because ever since, I've had this constant yearning to just be them. it's like background radiation in my life, just coming up over and over again. I try to be mature and responsible, go to work, make friends, have hobbies, but i can't stop desperately wishing i was Kris and it fucking sucks.

>>44825014
My trauma just keeps getting worse. The memories just keep getting more visceral and more horrifying like i just keep remembering more and more about my childhood and holy fuck it's abuse ALL the way down it's just completely endless it just keeps getting worse and worse and worse and therapy isnt working and i have no idea what to do or how to help myself at this point

i just feel so miserable and defeated sometimes. im tired of having to be an adult and im tired of mourning the childhood and the body i never got to have and im tired of being me. im tired of being so fucking stupid and broken that I want to be a fictional teenager.

i think all the damage that was done to me is terminal. Like a cancer. And its only a matter of time before it catches up to me and kills me. i dont know if im gonna make it.

>>44824995
nta, but I think your friend is probably trying to reconcile the way you treated her with the way you claim to feel about her. it's a lot easier to understand why someone would wrong you if they don't like you.

>>44825014
who among us hasn’t had a bad acid trip that rewrote their personality? Totally routine. If you want to be your character from the video game, go ahead! In terms of maladaptive coping mechanisms, at least you’re not sniffing coke or drinking

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>>44825031
Ive had that thought before. Thing is, the things I did, even read without the context of my internal thoughts, should still read closer to "limerent/obsessive" than hateful. Like, if I were hateful, we wouldn't even be talking. A lot of it can be explained away as "stupid emotional obsessive girl being stupid, emotional, and obsessive".
Plus
Its just... kinda the way she is. Self hating and expecting others to hate her just as much. I get that, at least. But at least when I feel like others should hate me, its because I did something that caused actual harm. Unless there's a part of this story Im not aware of... she's done literally nothing to draw my ire.
She had an understandable initial response to finding out someone close to her was acting in a very weird and scary way and now acts like having had that response, which was ultimately much less than I expected, is equivalent to having strangled my dog or something.
Its so confusing. I just want her to be happy and Im becoming more and more scared that my mere presence precludes that. I dont want her to implode just because I thought the bridge could be rebuilt,,,

>>44825044
i wish i didnt want to be. i wish i could be happy being myself. but this body doesnt fit me and it hasnt fit in years and I don't think it's ever gonna. Idk. I wish I knew how to stop feeling like this. i wish i knew how to stop being me

>>44825139
Well. You could learn how to disassociate but I feel like that might compound your problems. It seems like you have some really strong feelings - maybe you could displace that into your own artistic creations! It might even make you feel better!

>>44825014
>>44825044
I wouldn't say mine rewrote my personality, more it brought a lot of things painfully into focus.

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>>44825172
Been legitimately considering that ngl
It's a really long shot but I've been working on a rewrite of Deltarune. i think the game itself has a lot of rich themes that are basically unexplored (and the way it's developing, i dont think the game is going to be all that good once it's done) and I've been trying to rewrite it to really capitalize on those themes.

I wanna make a Deltarune that's about dysphoria and growing up isolated and religious. i wanna take all my baggage and horrible childhood and dissect it and analyze it and pour it out there. So people like me can learn from it, feel seen, understood, and know they're not alone. i wanna make a Deltarune that gets people to transition, that helps them heal and move on from everything that happened to them so they can finally live as who they were always supposed to be... Most of all I think I wanna make my trauma useful, so i didnt just go through all of that for nothing

I'm an artist and a writer, and I've got programming experience, even a little bit of music experience (piano). I'm writing a plot outline right now and I've got a lot of strong ideas about where to take it... i think. maybe i should really commit to this thing. hmm

>>44813280
guy i kept meeting up with for sex admitted he really doesn't want to be gay after we did it, so it just ended there. why does every top have to be closeted and self hating kms

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>>44825193
uh hun, and I’m The Antichrist. Moving on >>44825259
I think maybe you should expand into the area of JRPG’s generally! It’s a great piece of art and I enjoy it too! But, imagine if you liked John Singer Sargent’s artwork, right? You would want to make stuff *like him* but not exact duplicates (presumably). I think that if you want to move away from this neurosis about being your favorite character, it’s probably fine to keep playing it because it’s special to you - but you’d probably experience an easier time moving away from that if you created your own exciting new characters to get to know and love!

>>44825394
you don't know me big girl

>>44825468
I deadlift the weight of your skinniest girlfriend for a warmup, how dare you

>>44825394
Good points for sure, plus there's a part of me that doesn't want my work forever associated with somebody else's. like, you can make the best Deltarune fangame in the world, maybe one that's better than the actual game, but you're still only gonna be the person that made a riff on someone else's work, y'know?

i'd like to start reading a lot more, watching more movies, talking to more people with new experiences... I feel like if you're gonna make really good art you've gotta draw on as many different influences as possible. If I only drew on Deltarune for influence i'd probably only end up making stuff exactly like it, but i wanna do better.

thanks for talking so earnestly with me about this stuff, by the way. It's been great getting this deeply embarrassing load off my chest

>>44825473
I've never had a girlfriend.

>>44825476
hey, happy to help! I wish you well.
Good luck with your art projects.
You will go far

>>44825394
>I'm the Antichrist
Oh hey, me too!

>>44825491
yeah head over to >>>/x/ there’s like 50 of you wandering around

>>44825523
Its funny how that goes. The cult that raised me told me I was THE AntiChrist, then I grow up to find out we just grow on trees.
Anyways, happier being some half-broken tranny, someone else can do the whole "bring about the apocalypse bit". Mlem ice cream

>>44825699
yes yes yes, everybody’s got a tragic backstory about it too. Neither you nor I are unique or special in that regard and the books make that quite clear.

>>44825728
Yes you get it!!! Nothing new under the Sun! Im not special at all and nobody should treat me as such (except for romantic partners, who should treat me like a perfect princess <3) :D

>>44825755
Hm. Actually the other faggots are insufferable, you I deign to like

>>44825193
right, same exact thing basically happened to me, I think. still lowkey worried it rewrote some part of my brain if I'm being totally honest tho. That's not, like, possible. Right?

>>44826570
Usually not, unless you’re trying to summon something. The real problem is that you can’t even get real LSD anymore, it’s all research chems

>>44826639
SUMMON something? What's that supposed to mean?

>>44826747
yea jeez girl wtf do you mean

>>44826846
>>44826747
I’m being silly. It’s a meme. Don’t worry about it.

>>44826857
i want to summon a gf

I find love to be too strong an emotion to allow myself to express, feel, or accept.

>>44827032
…what do you do instead?

>>44827046
Try to not accidentally lead people on while also trying to absorb whatever scraps are leftover

>>44826639
I thought drugs like 1P are close enough to effectively be lsd, though obviously there isn't a lot of research

>>44827071
I cannot empathize wholly, but I comprehend.
>>44827139
I’ve taken (most) all of the research chems and they are fucking garbage compared to real LSD. There is no comparison, it’s Diet Caffeine Free Coke vs. Mexican Coca Cola

I fucking hate how my anxiety ruins pretty much everything. Why can't I just fucking pee when I need to

>>44820718
you sound annoying af
get some self respect mate

>>44827161
are you just meaning lsd analogs or are you also lumping in a bunch of other random rcs?

>>44828216
It’s all trash, it’s not the same thing and it makes you overheat. It’s not spiritual insight it’s like drinking a beer

I want to go out hiking but I'm gay and can't drive and I'm not seen as 'outdoorsy' so I never get invited, that or my friends hate me.

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>>44824995
i'm not her, sorry
>>44824740
>>44824927
i couldn't keep my grimey hands off him told him how much i wanted to sleep next to him and his response was... nothing. didn't respond positively in any way but he also didn't express at all how wrong i am to want that. just said it's 'interesting'. but i know i make him uncomfortable, whenever i tell him about anything personal he tries to change the subject. so what the hell does he see in me? maybe he wants to get rid of me but doesn't know how to do it without feeling bad about it. or he's just trying to ignore my hideous side. i have hidden it well since then.

BE CLEAR GIRLIE

>>44829241
who are you talking to

yo mamma joe biden

>>44828087
Why would you scroll up to a day-old vent post to say that it lacks self-respect

>>44829156
>i couldn't keep my grimey hands off him told him how much i wanted to sleep next to him
uh i guess i should clarify these weren't at the same time they were separate events

>>44829303
she hates ftms because of what they did to her.

>>44829309
i hope your hands were grimy and slimy and all kinds of mmmmmfpppphh. lube him up so he can squeeze about, roll around and round down the pam. Pam anderson? Pam, is the OTHER son, remember? One could say that, or shouldn't. Who is to say?!

>>44829321
I’m not even saying she’s wrong on either count, I do need to spend less time feeling sorry for myself and more time in the gym, but it’s weird to reply that late

>>44829156
>Im not her
I mean, yea, thats why I quoted the reminder. But she was just saying similar things and there is a non-zero chance she reads my thoughts on it without it having to be a whole conversation (again)

transphobia is the easiest part of being trans. no one could ever hate me as much as i hate myself. having to look like this is worse torture than anything anyone else could ever inflict on me. i feel like i can't breathe

Yep! We're rapidly approaching the I want to run away I'm terrified I'm scared I don't want to get hurt again part of the situationship!

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it's another night, I'm having another suicidal breakdown. it's been this bad for months. I've been suicidal for almost 20 years. in and out of therapy, it doesn't help, nothing helps. my dysphoria has kinda gotten worse despite starting transition because I can't fix this awful fucking body fast enough. or maybe at all in some ways. I've gone backwards; I can't love myself anymore even though for a while, I used to be able to kinda-sorta. now it's just constant cruelty and abuse inside, from when I wake up to when I go to sleep. I don't know how to get out. I'm supposed to be trying to get my currently long distance partner set up in my city so we can move in together soon, and I don't know how to not be the reason it all fucking falls apart. people who are actually subjected to my presence tend not to stick around. presumably they feel the background death radiation I emanate. I want to diem I want this to be over. there's fucking nothing and no one who can save me, I can't fucking take doing this anymore but I can't get out. I can't even self-harm because I fucking promised I wouldn't! I hate this! I hate that I have to fucking live, I hate that I was born! I want this to be fucking over!

I want to be able to stop obessing over people that don't even know or care if exist. I'm so fucking pathetic. Suicide this winter

>>44815770
the part that makes them like turn and stable but the wire is fully out and wont go back in and glue didnt work

it hurts knowing that i didn't need to spend all those years apart the way i did.

I haven't had sex in 20 years and I'm totally comfortable with that but I'm gonna be going out with someone very soon so that's gonna take some getting used to trying to get into that seductive mode I guess

my mom's suicide anniversary was at the beginning of the month, and her birthday was on the 12th. I have a lot of responsibilities during the day that help me put one foot in front of the other, but I still just feel really like...hollowed out and miserable. I can't even wish that she was alive. She was abusive as shit. I still can't even mourn her properly.

IM SO ANNOYING

>>44832140
I KNOW RIGHT??? SAME

>>44831244
well move forward not apart? what do you mean?

>>44832410
I can only move in L-formations :(

>>44832430
k-night? have you considered simply being a different piece?

i'm not confronting you because i know that the last thing you need is to be yelled at right now but i did find it funny that you said that i'm one of the most conceited people ever when i never even corrected your wrong pronunciation of my name.

>>44832477
where is your penis?

>>44832477
anyone who this could be to me has an easy name with few vowels. do you have a foreign name by chance?

>>44832515
it's foreign but it's very short, there's only 2 ways you could pronounce it
point is how can i be conceited when i never corrected her?

>>44832524
you could be conceited in other ways maybe? i don't know? how foreign is your name?

>>44832534
spanish

how do you say it then?

>>44832553
español

are you Hispanic or do you just have a spanish name? it's shitty sure but I can see it happening. Is it common, and is your pronunciation common?

>>44832605
why are you so focused on my name i'm not even mad, just amused that this person said that about me. i'm not telling you my name because then the person i'm talking about will figure it out.

>>44832649
i dont care about knowing your name, i just wonder if someone mispronouncing it is reasonable given the environment you're in?!

>>44832657
you don't need to fucking know if it's unreasonable, she made an angry post about how i'm one of the most conceited people ever and i'm just laughing to myself like "conceited? i didn't even correct your pronunciation of my name!" whether or not it was a reasonable mistake is irrelevant, i'm not even bitching despite the fact that your woke uppity minority alarm is blaring in your head right now you fucking autist.

I know you're not here right now and probably never were, but I will get my head straightened out and settle this. I don't know what my problem ever was. I just want to be free of this mental prison

>you could be conceited in other ways?

>>44832703
i'm not being conceited you're just being retarded. this isn't a "the white kids said my daal smelled funny" situation, it was on me to correct her and i didn't because i didn't want to be awkward, so i just find it funny that now she says that i'm conceited. stop interrogating me over a pointless side detail.

>there isn’t enough conceit in this thread?

>>44832731
if shes the only one in your circle who mispronounces it then thats on her for being stupid and not catching on

the conceited thing would have been to say it to her face right then and there but she's just lashing out because her life sucks and i feel bad for her and she doesn't need more negativity, if i was in her position i wouldn't want it either

okay?? if shes saying you're conceited, she's probably an asshole. there. is that what you want?

>>44832757
i didn't want anything you just kept harping on one detail like you were trying to get at something and show how i actually am conceited because i reminded you about the time a blue haired feminist said that you're racist for not knowing how to pronounce abdulrahman al-awlaki and you needed to put me in my place when i hadn't even left my place to begin with.

>>44832748
its such a minor thing. is she so weak she's going to kill herself over it?

oh i see, wrong language family and mistaken identity wrapped into one.

forced to rep. my wife (married before i knew) said she would kill herslef or whatever if i left etc etc. i tried initiating divorce a few times and she begged me both times to stay with her. The last time i did like 2 years ago, she said shed be willing to work with me beofre begging me later that night to keep repping. mind you i told her repping would be the death of me.

i kinda had to realize that cis people are all just evil. in a conversation today it came up that someone told a trans person to 41, and she asked me what that meant. i said the obvi statistic and her initial reaction was to laugh. i didnt smile at all and she then corrected and said "oh thats not funny." it made me mad but not as mad as the times she read my diaries. or when i had to cut off my friends. Or when she started self harming in front of me because i essentially said i cared more about trans people living than words in the bible. ugh.

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>cant make friends with actual males because im not attractive enough for them to want to fuck me
>no actual trannies near me it's all theyfabs that show off their tits
>never going to find love because i spend all my time studying shit because im a retard who takes hours to learn and theres no woman with low enough standards to date me
holy shit how isn't the pooner suicide rate 100%? only reason i haven't yet is because slitting your wrists is girly shit and i can't afford a gun. i don't know anyone to get heroin and overdose. if i get on testosterone my family won't let me go to college. why can't i just be happy being a woman? trans is a mental illness.

Bump

I'm going to stop investing so much into people who don't like me, care about me, treat me well or want me around. I deserve so much better.

>>44834671
it isn't healthy to stay with someone who acts that way

Fine. You did it. You earned my ire. You became the exact kind of person I always told you I hated. Dont come back. Quit pretending like you're going to come back. Quit fucking playing with my heart when youre clearly too scared to ever back up your words.
Fuck.
You.

>>44837169
I think you're reading into it

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I feel like a shallow puddle compared to everyone else. it feels like most others have hobbies and interests, while I spend so much of my time mired in self hatred. therapy and meds have helped, but it's tricky to make up for 20+ years of lost time.

>>44837169
toodles :3

>>44837288
Nope, Im sick of putting up with bullshit for someone who will never actually show up for me

i wish i wasnt so fucking ugly, disgusting and unloveable. i am worse than shit to ever think for even a second i could love and be loved back, its just going to go wrong, no matter how much more in love i get it will still go wrong, please god justk ill me already

This was so bad for me im so glad that it went so poorly that sex didn't even happen who wouldve guess that the thing i did to self harm was harmful to me im such a fuckup all i qanted was foe someone to love me

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>>44825259
I think whatever game you make will be beautiful. I'm rooting for you.

I had to listen to a bunch of girls have a long extended conversation about their sex lives in public

I think this trans guy I've been dating has been encouraging the parts of my mental illness that make me isolate and cut off my tranny friends. I don't really have anyone but him now. I'm retarded and crippled and can't work either. Should I just end my shit what do i do?

I think you should dump the trans guy if he makes you want to kill yourself? That sounds like a bad relationship dynamic.

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it's a bit late, but here are some replies to anons from last thread. most of them are questions but since it's a vent thread you don't need to reply if you don't want to.
>>44791155
what has you crying and laughing?
>>44793095
give yourself some space to work these things out. why do your conversations and dates fizzle? you can absolutely enrich your life to get more out of social connection
>>44794181
how would you ruin your life?
>>44795287
what happened the other night?
>>44799532
i am at least glad that you're so happy for now. please stay safe anon
>>44802254
it depends on what you want out of sex. if you want to explore it in the future, therapy and trauma work can usually change a lot even if not everything
>>44803634
what was the same hole?
>>44805152
i am so happy for you anon!
>>44809731
why worry? and what's improving?

>>44838565 made me look in the previous thread and
>>44812080
>no one is obligated to show you kindness, no matter how kind you are
this isn't true. who is telling you this

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>>44814460
does it have to be ruined?
>>44814481
i love your art. please keep creating things.
>>44815583
that's sweet
>>44815732
its all anonymous, but you can change details if it would help you feel more comfortable venting.
>>44817715
im so sorry anon. things will get better for you soon hopefully, at least that's what i hope. it sounds like you're still discovering yourself
>>44818219
have you been disassociating? i don't think you should do anything hastily.
>>44818609
well quit it
>>44820082
you can do the fun stuff without the alcoholism
>>44820127
what ways to do find yourself sabotaging things?

>>44838614
God did when he gave us free will

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>>44821259
you can still share them here, anon. everyone looks insane here.
>>44828550
you should ask your friends to take you hiking!
>>44829960
that's too much for one anon to handle. can you lean on your girlfriend at all? it's not a good position to be in when you're having to handle all the stress yourself. is there anything you find helps your dysphoria?
>>44830110
please don't give up anon. do you have many opportunities to see people irl?
>>44831407
im so sorry anon. perhaps i am presuming too much, but maybe you're mourning the mother you never got to have in addition to the one you did.
>>44837169
what kind of person did they become/that you hate?
>>44837877
oh no! pathetic girl! what happened? you seemed more optimistic in your last post

sorry if i missed anyone. some vents sound like they just wanted to get it out there and be done with it.

>>44837169
Let me guess: coward?

>>44838565
>9731
because it was sparked by me suffering the consequences of my words and actions, and It's going to hurt a lot. i stained a memory that could have been left untouched

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I fucking hate jews and palestinians and idk why most trans folk care about this desert conflict in the middle of nowhere.

Sorry but i actually care more about the fact that i'm being demonized by conseratives for no reason rather than a random people who hate me for not being a jew and a random people who hate me for being a mtf twinkhon

Infact in a ideal world these people wouldn't exist, the entire middle east should be glassed expect iran(because they actually support trans rights oddly enough).

>>44839428
how valuable is that memory to you?

>>44839676
I'll have a better answer for this tomorrow. It's something that at the time meant a lot, maybe too much. i picked and prodded.

FUCK IM STUPID

i'll probably kill myself within the next 5 years, if i'm being generous.

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>>44839725
BITCH

>>44839735
yeah but nobody will remember that i bitched out in 100 years so whatever honestly

>>44839755
grrrrr ill eat you whole first

>>44838641
Hookup was tonight. Didn't get to the actual sex, but everything just kinda went wrong. She forced a kiss on me after asking who I'd intended to save my first for which was about the friend I had a crush on because she knew I was trying to get over someone. She's done this before and I already told her that I didn't want to think about my friend during sex stuff because it's fucking gross on multiple levels. So my first kiss is just someone purposefully making me uncomfortable and pushing my boundaries and it wasn't even good. I kinda just broke down after a while because she kept doing things that made me uncomfortable and ignoring my needs. After a couple of hours of not doing anything, she wanted to switch roles and I basically just fulfilled her fetish enough, cleaned up, and she just passed out. I'd been complaining about being hungry and tired for hours. She was supposed to stay until tuesday, but she's leaving at noon for unrelated reasons and I guess that's fine. I got sick from not eating anyways. Haven't been able to really sleep. She's in my bed and I'm just on the ground because I've felt like I was gonna throw up for a while. She expressed concern when I stumbled back into the room at one point, but then I could immediately hear her trying to get off after that. This has ironically fulfilled it's original intention of getting over my friend because now I don't really wanna be touched or anything else at all, lol

>>44839771
how old are you that youve never kissed?

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Had a miserable phone call with my dad where he was obliviously happy and okay but he told me im too feminine and then he hit me with "you are a diamond, but some parts of you need to be crushed so you'll be a better diamond for me" and that sent a cold shiver of sadness through my body, I feel dead now, even me being a "diamond" is not enough for him still

>>44839783
Fucking 26. Years of sexual trauma made me unable to get close to people

>>44839783
>>44839795
Probably shouldn't have even answered because why is that what you're focused on? Lmao, christ

>>44839795
I'm sorry to hear that. I've only kissed once, against my will, though I won't claim trauma or anything in my case. I've simply always been very avoidant, especially with relationships. I'm the same age btw.

>>44839813
I'm just relating to the lack of intimacy relative to your age? Sorry?

>>44839817
>>44839820
Sorry, I'm touchy rn, I thought you were making fun of me or something. My bad. I can kinda relate to the avoidant thing, too because I've just never had a good view of relationships. First time I've even tried in so long because I'm finally healing from some stuff and I just like needed it

I'm so tired. It would be so much easier if I could just drop you and then go hunting for the next exciting honeymoon phase, but that's not how my brain works. Instead of doing the easy thing, I am driven to try to build something with you specifically because you're the person I like.

>>44839847
I have a hard time with being trans and potentially being someone else's fetish. I assume this is what you meant in your post. I just really heavily relate to your post in a lot of ways. I'm going through something similar right now, though maybe my barrier is more emotional rather than sexual trauma. I don't want to dump on you, but I will tell you that you're not that pathetic.

>>44839878
That's kinda exactly it, lol. I was fetishized a lot for being feminine when I was a kid. Had grown men telling me that it wouldn't be gay if they had sex with me. Didn't even transition until I was way older because of it. Just a lot of abuse in general. Feel free to talk about whatever you feel like, it's the vent thread after all :)
Also, I meant to say that I'm sorry about the forced kiss, I now know how much that sucks. People are gross

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>>44839912
I don't feel violated from it, maybe it's because of the circumstances or because I'm a guy. I was just extremely nauseous, have a weird thing about mouths and cleaniness, and knew she was into me and didn't want to feed it without being rude. I've honestly done more (real or imagined) to sexually violate others than I have ever been violated. I ended a relationship because I kept on thinking I had raped a person who repeatedly initiated and consented to sexual contact because I got uber mindfucked by it. I'm not traumatized just a little bitch lol

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>>44839762
you'll eat me whole, huh?

the longer i am on hrt the more it dawns on me just how much i wont ever get to pass, passoids are starting to become less time on hrt than me and i somehow only look worse and worse i dont know for how much longer i can take it

>>44840046
I didn't really get to reply, but you're not a little bitch, everyone has hangups. I hope it doesn't affect you too much and you can still like connect with people sexually and stuff. I'm sorry If I just said the most generic stuff possible, I'm not all here, lol
>>44839771
Updating this. Had very unenthusiastic sex. She kept badgering me and I just wanted her to go. I said I wasn't in the mood since I woke up, but she just got horny every time I fucking spoke. Better than the kiss, at least. This didn't make me cry

>>44838957
Thats one way to put it. The more apt way is "person who says they want to be there and then abandons me."
Im slowly starting to stop checking for their texts, knowing they'll never come back even tho they never said goodbye.

>>44840474
if you let me. I'm pretty hungry

I'm not kris-anon (although I understand them), but thinking about those games is messing me up.
To know how to create a feeling you must have experienced it right? Toby must have like... had friends and experiences. A life.
How can I make something beautiful if my whole life has been ugly and small?

Feeling lost and directionless in life, enough to post that I'm feeling lost and directionless in a stale thread of this socially-maladapted website.

Not that I expect anyone to fix anything, I guess I just want to say "fuck" a couple times out loud. Or maybe just that once, too tired to type any more.

>>44842359
hi I'm kris-anon, and yeah those games mess me up for the same reason too. i can only really form an approximate idea of what those experiences r like by patching together the few fragments of real human connection and experiences i had growing up. i hope that maybe even an ugly small life can be beautiful if viewed under the right lens.

Actually, I Saw the TV Glow is a great example of this idea working, i think. if you think about it the entire film is about a very ugly, small, empty life. Owen never really does jack shit, that's kinda the whole point of the movie. but it's nonetheless a powerful, evocative piece of art specifically because of HOW it frames his miserable empty life and everything around it, using the context of him literally being trapped in a mental prison designed to kill him.

creative framing like that, i think, is what makes small ugly things beautiful, because it brings the audience into the same POV and mentality as someone who really HAS lead that kind of life. i think even a small ugly life can be turned into beautiful art if u look at it the right way

>>44842846
You're right. I feel like art is like being a nearsighted person exploring a mountain range. Any sufficiently high peak will have you looking around thinking "this is the highest point there is", and the only way to find somewhere higher is to climb down first and look again or start building yourself from sea level. Toby's games though really are the most personally meaningful art I've ever known, so even though I know there can be such peaks somewhere else it's difficult to imagine. It's especially difficult to imagine one made of my slime (although I'm plenty familiar with some very nice places made of other people's slime and disease).

I'm sure part of this issue is too much thinking ahead. Trying to imagine something of immense meaning before putting clay on the table is - well I don't think it's bad to do (fuckin PISSES ME OFF that deltarune came to him in a fever dream lmao) - but I think you need to be working with your hands at the same time to be able to figure it out.

What I think I'll do is start a sort of diary or sketchbook in the form of a game. Just start with free sprites and start making dialogue and maps, and expand with whatever I'm thinking about on a given day. Maybe I'll end up with characters and ideas I can transplant into a real game, or not, that's fine too.

>>44843540
i really like your plan. i think imma copy it :)

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>>44843815
WAGMI

>>44841510
Ty for your kind words. I haven't had sex in years, so it does seem to affect me. I have other emotional issues that prevent me from being deeply intimate even with friends. I'm trying to sort my shit out one step at a time. Recent events have told me I cannot keep my heart so sealed.

i think my hips are growing, which is like #yay but i don't want to measure because what if they haven't? im just delusional and have to accept nothing ever changes

i've been pretty set on pursuing srs before ffs. i don't really care if i'm clocked as a hon, and i can't really see my face anyway, but i'm starting to get better with that and care more about being stealth, and i really don't want to. sex sucks with a rapestick, and i don't want to delay srs even further just because i decide i care about passing or being able to look at myself in the mirror.

bump

I would kill myself if I could overcome the survival instinct.

I hate being autistic. I can't communicate well, I can't go to the grocery store by myself, I can't hold down a job, I desperately want to talk to someone about my extremely specific interests but nobody gives a fuck. I feel like that shouldn't be too much to ask. everyone else has someone they can talk to. I hate being a boring annoying cringe autist. I'm so lonely and just want someone who will love me. I want someone who finds me attractive and will tell me I'm cute and my body isn't repulsive. I want to feel desired. I'm 27 and have never experienced an orgasm. I'm so sexually repressed and terrified of any interaction from people that this is probably not possible. someone could probably make me cum by holding me down and making out with me for thirty seconds. I hate myself.

>>44847264
I deeply relate to the autism part. I even managed to find some people over the years that seemed to give a fuck but they always still end up leaving. I would do anything to have a normal brain

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>>44847264
relate a lot to the autism part, im ace and dont really care about the sex stuff, but fuck i wish i was loveable
>also 27

I'm a 30 year old repping theymab. I desperately wish I was 20 so I could undo all my mistakes and not have a body so disgustingly masculinized by T. I basically dropped out of college and have never held a job in my life so I'm broke and can't even afford diy HRT. Not that I'm sure I even want it, I go back and forth every single day, I'm too much of a scared pussy resigned to the feeling that it's too late. All the people I know online are other lgbt (90% trans) people who are so happy. I hate my voice, I hate my body, I can't even look in the fucking mirror without wanting to die, I spend every day in discord voice calls with fellow trans people whose voices fill me with both happiness for how cute they are and soul-crushing self-loathing. I just dissociate all day to deal with the pain but it's not gonna work forever. I'm so tired. All my joy comes from making my friends happy and living vicariously through them while being nothing but an empty husk inside. I don't wanna be a woman but I don't wanna be a man either, I don't wanna be a disgusting hulking roided freak.

Everything that could go wrong did. Every single thing. I'm the theoretical, mythical repper that 4tranners warn themselves not to be.

I'm sorry. The sole reason I'm not suicidal is because my crippling fear of death is strong enough to overcome how much of a complete waste of space I am.

Friends I'm so fucking over it right now. I had a really shit dream that made me depressed from the moment I woke up. Then I went in to work and everything went wrong all day. Then I get home to my shitty apartment to eat dinner alone. All I want is someone to hug me and comfort me after a shit day, but ill never get to have that because I'm AvPD FA loser. You guys are the only ones I can talk to about it. The only comfort I can get is go to bed and hug my pillow and try and imagine it's someone who loves me but the older I get the harder it gets to even fantasize about that kind of stuff. I can't even delude myself into believing someone loves me in my fantasy.

started estrogen age 14
detrooned at 18 out of delusional guilt
8 years of total nightmare suicidality until a month ago after finally accepting that if i didnt retroon i would kill myself within a years time, just a total fake identity collapse
now i just feel like such a huge chunk of my life has been totally wasted for nothing
i hate myself for being insane and retarded ive become so much more horribly ugly and rotten when i didnt have to suffer through any of this in actuality i couldve just not fucked my life up for no reason for 8 years

>>44848351
I didn't graduate college until I was 30. Your life is not over.

I was just thinking that, if you do decide you wanna have a relationship with me, I would be able to send you sweet greetings every morning. My day to day schedule is perfect for it. I would love to do that.

times moving so fast it wont be long now before i ruin everything

>>44849890
I hope you get this, anon

morning bump

My brain is starting to do that thing it does where I get extremely obsessive, clingy, and possessive about someone I like. Gf said she knows what she's getting into with me. Maybe. She did sit with me through my breakdown over the last woman who found her way past my walls. She saw me at my ugliest, how disgusting I can be, and said "I want that". Am I just being used as yet another person's form of self harm? I hope not. I like her a lot. Im so scared of pushing her away. I dont want to be alone again.
She invites me to obsess. I hope we don't regret that.

>>44820127
adhd?

>>44813280
I'm a fat and ugly male and will never look cute or pretty like my cis friend despite her being 6 feet tall she's incredibly beautiful and I am hideously ugly and talking to her makes me deeply ashamed and envious of the life I'll never ever be able to have

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I am never going home... No matter how badly I want to. My found family is still everything to me. But they all died off, one by one, until it was just me & my wife. Until they died too... I'm the only living member of my found family & I'm tired. I've almost joined them multiple times now, & I still don't feel like not doing it has been worth it. Every day I survive I think about how I could've just not suffered through this further if I pulled the trigger back then. Killed myself when my life ended. I've outlived my life. I'm tired. I wanna go home. I want the bed to stop feeling so empty. I want them there, but instead there's just this hole in the shape of them where they should be. The hole is everywhere I look, part of me. It'll never stop being part of me, I tried to save them but failed. I failed, I fucked up. & I'll never forgive myself. It's been almost 2 years now, & I regret every day I've continued to live since then. I miss my wife... I miss my wife. Nothing/no one makes me feel the same level of importance & love as they did. No matter how hard I try & rebuild a life, I'm left knowing I'd abandon it to go back if I could. I'll cry like a baby pleading any God there is for things to get better, but I don't think there's a happy ending for me. I don't think I deserve it. My home is a person I grew up & built a life with, & planned to build so much more. My home no longer exists. I am never going home.

>>44813280
i am literally so ugly my life is worthless. people literally run away from me irl because im so ugly. every single person i showed what i look like irl cut off all contact gradually. being this ugly shouldnt be a thing youd be able to be because it nerfs my quality of life so immensely.

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i dont want to live long enough to see the few happy things in my life inevitably fall apart, because they're going to, like everything else. im terrified of how it will develop, im not made for happiness so it will go horribly. the best thing i can wish for is death before i see it go poorly

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I just need physical touch but I don't want to be creepy or lead anyone on. It's been years since I cuddled someone. I get hugged maybe once a month.

crying bump

>>44855164
*humps ur leg aggressively*

>>44855663
Bumps ur leg aggressively

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>>44813280
im drunk as fuck. i miss my sister. i wanna hug. she gave me a stupid fucking stuffie and i just want a hug and hugging this stupid smiling axolotl is the closest ive got right now and i know she doesnt hate me anymore but fuck i just wish we were close and actually talked sometimes again its all my fault we don't

fuck my stupid tranny-thing life

oh and my situationship ghosted me after i fucked her nd idk why lmao kms i genuinely have never been closer to thelife i want and yet i still want to go jump off a bridge rn

picunrel i just hate my old job and i wish i had my friend back but no i had to go and humor my situationship when she had a crush on me and now i dont even have my friend anymore fuck my stupid fucking straggot life FUCK

I don't believe in coincidences and I'm afraid I'm being cheated on

>>44856487
What is making you think that?

> be me
> friend's underage sibling asks me trans questions
> tell her about it
> the parents think im a pedophile
> rumor spreads
> regret everything
> go back to repping
> the past 5 years have been extremely boring and i cant get a new job

what am i supposed to do now

Uuuugggggghhhhhh

>>44855820
what is the story behind that photo? lotta grease

>>44857546
not rep

it doesn't matter
it doesn't matter
it doesn't matterit doesn't matter
it doesn't matter

What doesn't?

nothing anything everything I'll be ok it'll be fine I'll be ok it doesn't matter

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>be me (tranny)
>been dating cis bf for a couple months
>he lives in another country
>he suggests to visit
>book 2 weeks off
>pick him up from the airport with car
>go pillow/Blanket shopping with him
>he puts his arm around my waist and hugs me tightly in public
>get home
>get things ready
>the sofa is very comfy and we cuddle while we watch a show together
>wake up in the morning
>Hes gone
>no note, nothing, just money to reimburse me for the pillow/blanket

Unlovable tranny award get, dont fall for Cis4T propaganda, its ropefuel (I'll live)

>another friend just used me for attention because she was depressed
I wish people actually liked me as a real person

bump

as it approaches closer and closer im certain im going to ruin everything, im so terrified. im so in love but its going to crash and burn like my existence tends to do

>>44862468
as what does?

i am an architect they call me a vulture
i am a pioneer they call me primitive
i am purity. they call me perverted
i am idiot drug hive the virgin the tattered and the torn
i am all the things that you regret a truth that washes that learnt how to spell

i wish i was a kid with an adult boyfriend
i wish i was a kid with an adult boyfriend
i wish i was a kid with an adult boyfriend
i wish i was a kid with an adult boyfriend

i hate food i wish i didnt have to eat anymore and i could die in peace but im too weak and meek to die to meek and weak too weak and meek too fucking waek and meek shit shitshit shit shit too fucking weak to want to live and to fucking meek and cowardly to muster up the courage to end it

It's like I really am in anaheim

>>44862925
How so?

>>44863062
It's the happiest place on earth...

>>44863077
Oh yeah, that one specific part of it. Whenever I think of Anaheim I think of when a crackhead tried to break in my car window at a stop light.

>>44863290
Yeah obviously that too because the specific part only exists within the context of the whole but I repeat myself

i'm sorta stuck in a country i don't like that much because of my relationship and i'm beginning to wonder how long it will be sustainable for lol there are a lot of things better than where i'm from but jfc the people here suck. what a shower of miserable bastards. i do wonder if i ever broke up with my bf would i stay here but where else can i even go? where's home now? i just know it's not here. today i heard a guy shouting at someone at the top of his lungs calling them a fucking faggot etc and i was like fuck me i hate this place. maybe i just need a break but i'm trying to scrape money together for FFS and can't afford to go on holidays.

dont let the spider trap you any longer

>>44862872
i really wish there were little food cubes that you could eat and get all your nutrients from.

god dammit why am i such a fucking failure im so paranoid and clingy

I was taught by society growing up to hate my voice. That it sounded wrong, that I should be embarrassed about it, that people will make fun of me when I speak. Now that I've trooned out I've learned to get over that for the most part. It's not a perfect voice but I understand now why it is the way it is and I'm not ashamed of it anymore.

I miss her. She hurt me and it's only been two days and I miss her. I hate me. I wish I could have a normal life and not cry over someone who ignored my boundaries over and over again. I'm so stupid. It was just so fun before that

>>44856701
I don't believe in coincidences

pls dont come back

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>>44813280
Been slowly losing weight, but gained some back while on vacation. Coping by thinking of it as weight cycling.

>>44817715
>>44818094
>>44818219
I'm in the exact same boat, I'm sorry y'all. worst spot to be in

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I’m selfish so i wont kill myself first, but my continued existence is driving you to suicide

>>44859747
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJs1iJOXFN8

>>44867548
Sorry babes, Im never leaving

>>44867956
what a ridiculous premise. if someone kills themselves it's not your responsibility for simply being alive

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Made a thread about it but no dice
(Speaking to myself in the mirror)
>repeat after me Nona
>the people at the goth/queer clubs are not your friends
>you do not pass
>they do not see you as fem
>they see you as a background character
>most of these people are in their 20s and you are in your 30s
>this is not the pink pony club this has turned into the trans version of Cheers
>you’re gonna manmode even on Saturday nights and your gonna like it

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really want to die, why are emotions like this, why cant i just be normal why. i just need to isolate my presence is nothing but harmful to all

bump

>>44867585
i need to kms

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>>44813280
Its peculiar how i cant talk to anyone like a normal person. Ill always be the outcast no matter what i do
Ive come to accept it at this point. No one wants to be around an ugly tranny. My only hope is with other trannies who always piss me off. Im not made for this life.

>>44869451
I think that this is a bragging post anon. Some people like that sort of thing. They want others to kill themselves by tormenting them endlessly. They're called mindwalkers. I've dealt with many and had to seal my soul in separate vessel to prevent further meddling. I've had many, many, many former "enemies" try to RAPE my soul in my sleep, but they ALWAYS FUCK A GHOST.

>>44872255
aint nobody tryna rape that stank ass soul nigga

>>44872367
You would be surprised

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ok im fine

okay,,,,,,,,,,, soooooooooooooooo i mi ight be a bit zany emoji. that's fine. :) maybe im just a bit silly right now. it's called art. not all art is good or even worthwhile. but it is art. I am constantly producing art. natural born artists we are.

>>44852862
I almost feel like I shouldn't reply because I can't do justice to your tier of pain, but maybe everyone else thinks so too and that's why you've got no replies. We were born with a curse. Not everyone with the curse can be saved, some of us had the end written in stone as soon as the core of our subconscious ossified as children. The fact that you gave meaning and love to those people in the waiting room for oblivion means everything. I also think the fact that you are the holder of everyone's memories now means it's important that you stay alive. I promise you deserve a good life.

I hate eating food so much it's so draining but I'm getting weaker the less I eat (LOCAL TRANNY SCIENCE BREAKTHROUGH)

>>44873190
intermittent fasting is the way

I'm constantly producing fart I'm blushing emoji

I was born in the wrong body and the wrong country. I feel like I'll never be desired and have a genuine connection with someone that I can actually reach. The only person I feel something genuine towards is from a different country and probably doesn't want anything past friendship with sex sometimes and that's provided I can even leave this shithole. I'm too brain wormed to go out and socialized plus I'm poor. Estrogen has potentialized my retarded intensity and when I feel something for someone it is obsessive and cringe and makes me want to kms even when they never shot it down I've been mocked for it my entire life and now I'm too traumatized to think it isn't happening. I'm not possessive because poly but I can't think of nothing else sometimes. I just want to feel the warmth of the body of someone I love before I die. I try to make myself look desirable by going to the gym and starving myself but I spent too long repping so even with my more exotic feminine face, I'm still really tall and also extremely tomboyish and slightly clocky cause no ffs yet so jawline... I genuinely feel like I'll end up in a ditch or hanging from the ceiling. Extremely touch starved.

I won't make a full post about my tranny shit, I already could fill the entire thread crying about that
I'll instead complain about my partner. I'm tired of being their emotional punching bag. Every time they have a bad day at work, or remember bad things from their past, or something, I get to feel the punches first, until they calm down. Then they're all sweet and apologetic and caring. It drives me insane. It'd be easier if they were mean all the time. I wish I was alone, not in this hot and cold hellscape of a relationship. I'm given shit for stuff I did years ago, that I've already apologized for, and they feel entitled to my apologies once more, as if I didn't apologize enough already. I'm tired. I don't know how much longer I can take this before I fucking snap like a twig.

>>44813280
I have death fear. I fear I will die when I go to sleep.
Not getting an engineering job for 2 fucking years of applying.
I feel like people are ignoring me at this point

>>44874294
No, I need to eat more, and more often. My problem is that I'm underweight.