I always feel out of it, nothing feels quite real and i constantly feel some undercurrent of misery and self hatred. I have no desires or goals left and any that ive ever had turned out to be stupid, misguided, useless or not actually sth i wanted. Its been like this basically for as long as i can recall. All i do now is get stuck in my own head about how its impossible for me to even know what i want or what i am.Ik this is not lgbt related at all but i just wanted to vent. Ig it is trans related since before i came to this conclusion one of my last attempts was to foolishly hope maybe growing breasts and looking more female would somehow make me feel more like a real person and like i could have any sort of future or life id want. But like usual i was wrong and that attempt was somewhere between near useless and possibly entirely detrimental. At most it netted me a few pictures of me being happier with what i look like, but that has kinda worn off now to and im stuck looking like a massive man with boobs i might hate.It all really feels so hopeless and aimless. At least if i was a real dysphoric tranny id have an idea on what to do to get a life id like. Even if that would be somewhere between extremely hard and impossible. But it feels like no such thing exists for me, whether realistic or entirely fantastical, i cant see any kind of existence id truly be ok with.I just duped myself into thinking that transition might expand my options and open some up to my imagination id be ok with. Instead it seemingly made me realize that i still dont like any of my options and now im also entirely out of ideas on where to even look.And i dont think i can stand to keep looking anymore.
Being human just sucks
same I hate this fucking shit the only good that came from trannying is infertility
>>44871062why not detransition?
>>44871286Thats also one of the things i permanently wrack my brain over.Is this just how life is an everyone else is better at dealing with it and there is nothing wrong with me? Or is this not how life is supposed to feel?And if it is how life feels for everyone, how do they cope, and how can u tell what u even want to do if it all sucks anyways.
>>44871793>Or is this not how life is supposed to feel? To some, it really is not supposed to feel like this. What they do omit is that if you're capable of feeling this way about life, you'll always be able to feel this way. You might be able to one day have all you desire now, and you will arguably be happier, but this feeling won't be gone. At most it'll be only irrelevant for a while and hopefully that while will be the rest of your life.
>>44871572im not sure anymore desu lol. I guess its mostly that every few days i am reminded that in some ways i do feel better about what i look like now. Like eventho i am super conflicted about it and feel like shit. After hrt i also had the first moments ever where i thought i looked kinda good (esp face and general body shape) and like took pictures of myself or looked in the mirror. And maybe that isnt a coincidence.Plus the main effect uncertain about (breast growth) has happened already to a degree (im on 1y hrt, i dont have obvious breasts but if u saw me topless you would probably not think its a typical male chest). So if im already past the point of no return on that/already would have to get top surgery, might as well keep going and see if i end up liking it anyways.Additionally a lot of the ways i feel like shit wouldnt really be alleviated by stopping hrt. Id probably feel just as existentially hopeless and depressed as before, but then would maybe also have to deal with worse skin, more annoying genitals, more body hair and a face i like less.So yeah. But idk sometimes its still tempting to try an see if it changes anything, so i might try it for a few weeks or months at some point idk.
>>44871062Sounds like you're letting your hedonic treadmill grind you down to less and less of a person instead of trying and attempting the things you want.I'm sure initially starting hrt felt liberating or a good change of pace, "euphoric" maybe even if i dare say, but its been enough time, that's now your baseline now, if you lose it you will only feel worse and feel "normal" when only you get it back but not like you accomplished anything.You need to invest more into your hobbies and desires instead of just thinking about them, youre poisoning yourself with your reppetitive and monotonous behavior
>>44872365>trying and attempting the things you want.>invest more into your hobbies and desires instead of just thinking about themPart of the problem is that i dont even know anymore what these might be. If i had desires or wants still i would be following them. But it feels like i dont anymore (and maybe never had) and im also out of ideas on where to look for them and out of energy to keep going in spite of that.I used to think my wants and desires might be tranny adjacent, now im not sure if i just deluded myself somehow. Besides that i had academic "goals" (it was quite passive but it was at least sth i was somewhat proud of and interested in) but that evaporated now that im out of schooling for good. Otherwise just some basic tranny hobbies (coding for fun, movies and games), coding was always hard to find bouts of passion for but now its basically gone and movies & games are also not very interesting right now.So yeah i cant even attempt or do the things i want or desire. Cuz im not sure anymore what that is. I used to identify myself as like:> potential tranny> kinda nerdy-ish> a bit into tech/coding> into movies> into math/math studentAnd now all of that has basically imploded in on itself and is gone. Estrogen might actually hurt a lil here cuz it destroyed my sex drive, largely i like it, its much nicer than it was before on T, but rn it is very very close to 0% and id probably prefer sth closer to 10-20% since the only other remaining thing i had was being a lil kinky. Which for obvious reasons is kinda gone now with almost no sex drive.
>>44871944>What they do omit is that if you're capable of feeling this way about life, you'll always be able to feel this way.What so, to some people this is entirely foreign. But its not to me so ill always have to contend with feeling like this deep down no matter how superficially happy i get :c?Thats not great to hear lol. Especially since even in my "happiest" times when i had actual desires i was pursuing i always felt a bit like this still.And now i dont even have any desires to try to pursue to distract myself.
Not OP but how do i get female narcissism so i can post in length about myself like this?
>>44871793some people are incapable of feeling like that. usually they're the ones running things
>>44872306>i might try it for a few weeks or months at some pointdon't bother, you're definitely a tranny
