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i will start this time, and reply to last thread's posts soon.
im increasingly paranoid that my father is a serial killer. i know, i know - it's impossible, right? that's still what i really think, but i can't shake it. so many details match a local cold case(s). the dates match, the personality and appearance and background matches, so many details about the family home match, but it's hard to say for sure now that it's changed. past random events that could be innocuous could have also been an important concealment of bulky evidence. only one thing doesn't, and it's always been regarded as a suspicious detail, a potential red herring. i can't really investigate further right now but i want to. maybe there are other ways i can learn more. i am a little scared to post this but i know im just being silly. right?

>>44877393
I'm sorry that happened to you my qveen

Live, thread

I hate knowing that I'm being played and just waiting for the other shoe to drop

someone is watching me, i can tell.

>>44878635
I'm scared that I'm not meant to have friends. There have been people over the years that I've talked to for a bit, but it's always strained and only lasts a couple weeks at most. They always move on to actual people, but I'm left behind. The only couple people who seemed to care about me platonically ended up getting weird and complicated, so I can't even reach out to see if things could be normal again. I keep trying, keep reaching out, pushing myself out of my comfort zone (even though for normal people, it's way less than normal socializing), but things end up the same still.

my sleep just keeps getting more and more fucked

>>44878635
They should invent a body that doesn't try to kill itself at the slightest inconvenience.

I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I know I'll bounce back some if I survive a little longer, but it hurts. I don't feel safe. I talked things through with a friend and the things she said didn't even make sense to me. I couldn't begin to register them. I don't wanna live in a constant state of recovery. I've only left the house once this week and that was a struggle. I have to go out tomorrow and I really don't want to. I don't know what I'm gonna do

>>44878635
I wish someone would actually love me for me, or that I could at least change myself enough to be loved. So far being drunk all the time helps a bit but idk how sustainable that is

>>44878635
When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. When I'm putting my hair up before work, I think I look cute. I'll glance into mirrors and windows as I pass by because I feel positively about it when I look at myself.

I don't know if I'm just honfident or what but I don't think so? Man it would be really crazy if I was actually ugly and just didn't know it

>>44878635
>online friend circle dropped me
>broke up with gf
>literally no friends or companionship suddenly
i feel shitty for complaining because honestly everything else in my life is going okay or pretty good even, but damn it's lonely and despair inducing because i live somewhere it's impossible to make friends and don't know how to just luck my way into a friend group online again, i keep stumbling into completely insane/unstable people and im realizing i might be too painfully normal for people and can't find anyone to hang out with irl either
i even went to the microscopic local lgbt group open house day and it was 90% highschoolers who just awkwardly stared me out of the building
haven't gotten a bite on tagmap in years
i keep holding out hope it'll happen eventually like it did last time - ill keep playing videogames and find cool people again and build a new friend group again and maybe even be close enough to meet up irl, but it's been so long
might cave and get VR just to socialize with someone who isn't a coworker

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>>44878635
I had hope for you.
and you simply don't understand.
one day you will be someone different and I hope you'd have forgotten about all of this, but I hope you grow.
God I hope you fucking grow.
because otherwise, the only true Ideology I'd have is wrong, and that's terrifying.
be better than who my fears believe you are.

I'm in love with a girl from here and while I realise how pathetic that is, she's also literally anything and everything I've ever wanted in a woman. If only she lived anywhere near me

>>44883534
If you have close personal relationship and jobs then that doesn't have to matter

>>44883543
Yeah...

>>44883534
Same boat. My gf is so fucking far away. 6 time zones over. But I love her so much. Ive been thinking of the logistics to go visit her. Even just 2 weeks to have her in my arms sounds golden to me right now.

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>>44878635
my granddather molested me when i was 6 and i can barely remember it and i havent told any of my family because i know they wont believe me

i have severe mental health issues which result in amnesia and disassociation. this is probably why. and if i tell anyone other than my closest friends, they wont believe me or get me the help i need. Fuck my life.

>>44883534
Yeah, I fell for someone from here nearly 3k miles away from me and spent a long time trying to get over it. Given up now. If it's in the cards for you, find a way to make it work. The alternative hurts a lot, lmao

>>44883592
We're not even dating is the sad part
>>44883670
She deserves better than what I can offer her, all my previous relationships point towards that

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>>44883640
same anon here to complain more

i love this girl whos been through similar things as me but shes so beautiful and im so fucking ugly. shes so amazing. why is she so good to me? she says its because shes my friend. im losing my shit, man

i was molested and the one person who brings me comfort doesnt even feel the same way. i just sit here and cry and browse this board hoping for something, anything

i dont get it

i am nothing, and i will stay nothing until the day i die

>>44883534
>everything i wanted in a woman
spill the tea sis

the invention of saying "i love you" platonically might have been the worst thing on planet earth for someone like me, just once let me hear it genuinely and romantically, please.

Wtf I love someone 1,000 miles away and am actively working on convincing them to give it a shot, y'all are making me feel bad about our chances. It just takes a flight and you can be there.

>>44883838
You can't love someone you've never met.

I had a really bad day in math. I am a 30 year old community college student and former zogbot who is FINALLY about to get his associates, and I got a 76 on a quiz. I felt depressed like man I’m gonna fail this class, or do badly on it, I want A’s so bad. But it didn’t break me, I didn’t cry in my car on the way back, I spoke up when talked to. Maybe things are getting better. Idk wish me luck, I am in a lot of pain normally but I am trying very hard. Feel like a pussy much of the time but I’m stronger and braver than I give myself credit for.

>>44883888
It's alright. I'm 21 and also going to CC. Overheard some fresh highschool kids who just got like 50s and 60s last term. Best of luck. Do more practice problems.

>>44883874
But we have lmao? Just because there's a 1,000 mile gap doesn't mean we never met up and chilled together

>>44883908
When you can only see someone once or twice a year at best, you're in love with the idea of them. You're never in a relationship, you never have hardships. You're writing letters to someone and then fucking for a week. Meet someone closer to you.

>>44883913
That's some impressive goalpost moving you're doing. Your shitty perspective would close us all off to love from anyone but those in our immediate vicinity. We don't have to live like that in 2026.

>>44883919
The goalpost is the same. I just didn't know you had already met them.
It's not shitty. You just seem like you've never actually been in a relationship. Yes, relationships do require that you live relatively close to eachother. You cannot be in a relationship with a pen pal. LDR can be an hour, two hours away, maybe more depending on your schedule. But if you seriously think you can love someone you never get to see, you're insane and lonely. Sincerely better off sleeping around with people until you meet someone you're compatible with instead of spending money to fly out to meet someone you are incapable of having a tangible relationship with. Seeing someone so infrequently makes it absolutely equivalent to not seeing them at all in the context of a relationship. It's like saying you're in love with someone you met on vacation.

>>44883696
It's not for you to decide what she deserves, she can make that decision for herself. Don't give up before you've even tried. If she's that important to you, you'd be doing yourself a disservice

>>44883933
Bitch I am middle aged. I've been in plenty of relationships, one of which was long distance. The story of long distance love has been a story that is present throughout my life and I believe in it.

>>44883948
Well then stop crying about it and do it. Who cares if I or others don't think it's real.

>>44883957
>Well then stop crying about it and do it
Congrats on finally figuring out the point of my comment kiddo. Took you a while to get over your attempt at a "gotcha" though.

>>44883960
You are so obnoxious. It's not a gotcha, it was my advice. I'm 29.

>>44883748
I'm never good at this but she's really smart, she's funny, she has similar music taste but still different enough, she loves talking about her interests and her day and I love hearing her ramble, she's great with kids, she's adorable, romantic, incredibly beautiful, kink wise we align as well

>>44883962
Your advice is shit. Long distance love is real. It can be more annoying and difficult because you have to intentionally choose to close that gap, but this idea that "you can't love someone from a distance" is just wrong.

>>44878635
im a stupid fucking tranny faggot i can't even bring myself to writree something in a fucking hugbox thread so ill jsut post this fucking whatever
each day the bridge is closer
i am getting closer
i have gotten close
but never far
i wish i was far far away

>>44878635
Why does it feel like cis women all have either perfectly flat bellies or they're massive beasts made or lard with nothing in between

I'm so fucking stupid
naive

>>44884133
naive how?

>>44884142
lol

>>44884084
this is because average women are invisible to you due not not registering as either aspirational or grotesque

I’ve fallen hard for my situationship and it’ll lead to nothing but pain and hardship for me

>>44878950
the best thing to do would be to break up I think, they're clearly using you to self harm and it's distressing for both of you. at the very least it would be good for you not to be physically close to each other

>>44884670
come on. you know that's not how it works. pursue fitness if you must but if you're at a healthy weight trying to lose more won't benefit you in any way

>>44885178
>is a woman’s friend
>wants to fuck woman
classic!

>>44885190
I mean, we had great sex and our relationship was and is on a completely different level than most people, the level where most people get married for years

>>44878635
I have literally no faith in anyone associated with a trans "community" anymore, online or in real life. All it has ever done is get me misgendered, dehumanized, and/or raped. Literally everyone I meet in them seems like a fucking chaser with how much they're obsessed with natal sex and there is genuinely no reason to believe that they actually see you as anything besides it. I know why they do it too-- they're all so fucking dysphoric and stuck in places like here that it bleeds out into their interactions with everyone else, but I don't fucking care anymore. Figure your own shit out and really think about why only people pleasers and faggots waiting for their own chance to rape you enjoy your presence before you get a terribly rude awakening. Normalfags are quite nice if you actually give them reasons to like you and it has almost nothing to do with your transsexuality.

It's tricky when you're in the in between of 'passing' to normies and not wanting to be hitched to the trans wagon but also needing to disclose to normies before you fuck/date them. kill me.

>>44885205
starving yourself won't make you more attractive
speaking from experience

>>44885457
>Normalfags are quite nice
normies are little eichmanns

>>44885457
Le Tranny Who Managed to Become a Cis Woman post #1,685,864,096,643 in the series.

I KEEP HAVING FUCKING DREAMS ABOUT HER KILL ME.

I'm afraid that I made a cis woman think that I think she's trans and now she hates me lol

I'm barely 5'0 is it actually fucking over, should I just become a gnome

Manmoding at work, get through half my shift before going to the bathroom and seeing my nipples are fully outlined through my shirt, kms

Ive lost my ability to believe you. Youre not coming back.

everything I've ever done has been an embarrassment why does everyone keep trying to to be around me and look at me I just want to hide

being associated with all the other greasy gorillahon whore trannytards at my college

>>44890849
i'm one of the gorillahons
i just keep to myself
of course people are going to associate you with other trans people
at least you arent a monster

>>44878635
My closest friend did lsd and suddenly decided I was a parasitic waste of time and she was going to find someone who would have sex with her. I only care because I'm too much of a loser to replace her with someone who isn't awful.

>>44878635
Sorry but I just don't understand..people bash Wendy's nuggets all the time but every time I actually have them they're fucking banging..way better than McDonald's nuggets

What's going on here

IWNBAW just because I don’t put in any effort
atp I’m even ashamed of calling myself a woman, women aren’t pathetic life-wasters like me
I’m only good at buying bitcoin with the few thousands I saved from previous jobs because I can’t work because it’s so unbearable
I won’t 41 because my mom accepted me so I want to at least give her a good “son” even if my life is worse than looking at paint dry
I wish I could do something, I feel sorry for me
I’m probably depressed but I’m not the kind of person that there’s a fix for it
And I can’t manage to live despite it so it’s just over
I just wish I could fast forward my whole life qt once like in the movie Click
but the best I can wish for is bitcoin being worth 10M before I’m 50 so maybe I could at least get to live as a not old woman
bleak. at least..
wait there’s no at least
I just suck and so I’m just meant to experience a suckful life

>>44891191
I have no idea what you're talking about, everyone I've met ADORES Wendy's nuggets and so do we omg, mcdonalds nuggets are literally worse than fucking walmart dogshit nuggets

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honestly it'd be really nice if for once i could have a healthy relationship where i actually feel loved and i can express all of this pent up love inside me.... like that'll ever happen!
sadly im too ugly, too weird and too annoying so no one will ever love me!

I'm getting real tired of your constant bad mood
If your job sucks so much just fucking quit
Or dump me, or something
Release me from this fucking agony

>>44892391
do it yourself dumbass

>>44892426
I genuinely, literally can't
I've tried
I always end up getting roped back in like a dog on a leash
There's no escaping this unless I off myself, and I really don't wanna die

Goodnight, thread. I just wanted to say that I hope things get better for everyone and that I love you. Be safe

I used to be yours in the small hours: moments plucked from my heart and given to you, though they would never be enough to feed you.
goodnight. I love you. I miss you

I gave you the key to my heart and soul and let you waltz in. Every second, deeply precious, you saw the true me, hidden away from everyone else. Then I ripped it out. The last of my shattered soul, finally scarred over forever, I need not be a person now or ever again. I loved you. I still miss you. Im not okay. Everything will be okay except for me.

and yet you stay distant. as do i. why?

>>44893161
>If you think you know anon, but dont have decisive evidence, no, you probably don't.
In my situation, the distance is enforced by circumstances far beyond my control. If I could snap my fingers and have everything back the way it was, I would. Not your person, sorry.

oh I know you're not 'my person' i was talking about my own situation.

>>44878635
Nah okay so check this shit out. She did everything she possibly could to signal disinterest. Doesn't talk to me regularly, declines every invitation I offer over a period of years, completely ignores me when I compliment her. We're going out on a date this weekend anyway, what's her deal?

ive been too scared to go outside for anything besides uni and groceries since may and im scared im agoraphobic

>>44878751
so fucking tip his name to the authorities? kaczynski style?

>>44878751
do these killings tend to have a racial slant and/or be in obscure areas?

>>44895811
don't answer this btw. just think about it internally. it is a very serious thing to accuse someone of. be careful

>>44878751
kill your dad using his own modus operandi for irony points

Bump

>another friend went from talking multiple times a day to quietly removing me
I wonder if my therapists will still keep saying it's not my fault

my bf keeps getting flaccid during play and I don’t know if its a me problem or a him problem but it’s eating away at me

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i will never be loved and thats fine but i wish people would stop pretending its something i could ever attain, it just hurts me so much more. just reject me, get it over with, please.

People always think they're like some character from this or that anime or video game, meanwhile the only character I've felt similar to is Rudy Waltz from Deadeye Dick.

>>44897923
Well... I went flaccid with a partner once and it was because I got way too excited to be with her.
My heart was pounding so fast and so hard I could feel my blood moving through my body and my dick just went right to sleep.
Always remember that an erection is a physical thing as much as it is mental. The presence or absence of one in and of itself doesn't really mean anything.

I truly hope you enjoy dyke night

its never been this bad

Feeling a little melancholic lately, wish I could talk and play games with you

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How do you love someone who wants people to hurt them

I don't wanna hurt you, I want to love you. Let me love you damnit

i hate living in the city so much dude. yesterday we spent the day with my bf's family in his home village and it was perfect. fresh air, good food, walking the dog with his dad and his sister, foraging for mushrooms people actually smile (!!!) and say hi to you... not to mention his family really just treat me like their own daughter like they're honestly so nice to me. then we drove back to the capital and it's just immediate hell. i'm tired of the constant long ass transport journeys with multiple transfers, people fucking walking on you, the sexual harassment, the weirdos and schizos and generally rude people, man it fucking sucks. i just want to be in the village with family and spend time outdoors and shit but our jobs and friends and activities are here. to be fair we went to the centre last night which we usually don't on a saturday night but we'd friends visiting, i'm just tired of the whole lifestyle though. maybe the city will suck less when we move to our new place that's in a calm part near the forest and shit.

>>44900578
Pretty fucking real honestly. My mother's side of the family came from a tiny place that today has less than 500 population, the side of the family that stayed got to enjoy the beautiful nature while I was born into urban fucking America. It's a massive scam.

idk if shes gone off me or if shes into me the correct amount and im just a lovesick bpd weirdo

I miss you but I understand why you left

>>44883095
>it but may it's not be never worth wasted it.
So true

you too anon

>>44878751
Ask him if he killed anyone. if he says yes, he did it. if he says no, he didn't do it

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being too autistic for mixed signals is utter hell. i have no idea how you feel about me at all and it terrifies me, i just hope its disgust or hate, thats standard and normal and will make the future much easier.

>>44901645
DO NOT DO THIS

>>44878635
>Has anything made you scared lately?
Seeing myself.

>>44901701
why would someone hate you or be disgusted? I used to feel the same way about people, but I realize now that I missed out on a lot by assuming negatively about myself.

>>44901729
because im a deeply disgusting person, im a loser who does nothing in my life, i dont even take care of myself properly without motivation, there is nothing to like about this shell of a person. if i had literally any redeeming qualities id get it, i dont. im an autistic retard with chronic depression with 0 personality 0 hobbies im just generically """"kind"""" and willing to try things, which makes people gaslight themselves into thinking im worth mixed signals until they realize on their own how much of a mistake that was. im tired of hope i just want to wallow in despair.

>>44901752
ok?

i miss him so much. it’s not fair. why did i have to scare him off. i’m never gonna find a man like him again.

>>44901752
you sound like me, so it's all untrue except that you're a faggot. go outside big boy/lady

>>44901765
what did you do anon?

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>>44901764
don't ask if you're going to be annoying about the answer lol.

>>44901766
its not untrue, those who realize it say on their own just fine

sometimes psychedelics on their own aren't enough, sometimes you also need a series of weird dreams reshape yourself.

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I hate myself so much. There is no more joy in my life. My transition is a failure. I ruined the best relationship in my life and she’s off fucking her best friend as we speak. I’m not even feminine anymore, I haven’t been for years. I feel so bad for everyone in my life for having to deal with my neuroticisms and selfishness and obsession over bodyweight/food. I just want to be soft again. I want to be small. I want to feel love and feel loved. But it’s over. I feel so past the point of no return. I don’t remember what pleasure and warmth feels like. I deserve everything that has come to me.

just let me disappear im tired of this fake charade of being human

>>44901776
Listen anon, I've suffered with this type of thinking most of my life, and I'm going to tell you for the millionth time you cannot wallow in it too much. Venting is fine, but don't get too caught up in it. Did something happen recently to trigger this? I've been going through a whole arc recently and almost drove myself insane with a similar line of thinking.

I dint know why I continue to live like this. I hate being autistic I hate being ugly and deformed I hate myself and all the horrible worthless boring art I've created, anything good I feel is tainted by an undercurrent of self hatred and loneliness, I just want to feel desired and loved, I want to feel like there is some point in moving forward. in about a month I'll see if my application for disability is rejected or not. if it's fine I can keep living this empty life for as long as I have the willpower to do so, if not I'll have to move away from my friends, my only support, and back to my parents who fucked me up as a kid and still treat me like less than a person, and that will finally push me over the edge, I almost hope it will happen so I have the excuse. I don't want to do this anymore

why are you deformed

Spending days trying to get better just to get all destroyed by someone in a bad mood has been the recurring theme for years, how can I ever expect to get ahold of my life if I can't even spend a single day recovering from all the damage, how am I supposed to build a better life if I can't even last a single day without breaking down.

dbt? might help build the skills needed to withstand that.

i thought uni would be better than living with my parents. i thought i would read more and know more people and create more things and maybe get laid. instead i eat so little i spend like two thirds of the day sleeping and the other two doompilled on 4chan and the worst part im not even becoming thinner for some reason im even fatter i need to die i need to die i need to die

why does everyone on here have ana except for me?

I'm not meant to be human, I can't learn from observing others, I can't keep relationships going, i've never had friends or people i can talk to, I can't talk about anything, I have no passion no hope no future no past am I just condemned to stay doing nothing until I die? How can I ever live, how can I ever love I hate life i hate humanity i wanna live but I can't :(

All my life I have thought myself uniquely broken, this is because I am a disgusting sack of shit etc etc whatever blah blah. Anyway, all my lifetime attempts at keeping myself from inflicting myself on others (low profile, not dating, etc) has caused not only myself, but everyone around me pain and suffering. I do not know how to re-engage with the 'normal' world, but I must, or I must just end it soon.

>>44878635
ive had the same two friends since i was 8 and not been able to make anymore, both of them seem to be losing interest in me

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I've hurt a lot of my friends by not returning their romantic feelings. I wonder what kind of punishment I deserve for that. Maybe it would be fitting if my own heart was broken.

>>44904776
why would you need to be punished?

>>44904776
As someone who's been on both ends of that, you don't deserve to be punished. It hurts when someone doesn't love you in the same way, but if they care about you, they'll still cherish your friendship

bitches

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>>44905135
I caused pain to around a dozen of my friends. In some cases for months, in some cases for years. Even if I never meant to do so, even if it was outside of my control, the fact that I brought more pain to lives that were already fragile and unhappy isn't something I can excuse myself for.

>>44878635
I was just thinking about how, one time pre transition, I cried during sex with a woman. That was one thing I never thought I'd do haha. Before you ask it wasn't dysphoria it was because she was gonna be going away for a while and I was thinking about how I'd miss her.

>>44903239
i’m sorry Nona, I started uni this year too, i kinda hoped to befriend atleast a few people but I’m just back to my loner status

which kinda blows but I'm still trying to be more social, there’s unironically another transgirl in my class but we got off on the wrong foot so now I'm scared of even trying to talk to her lmao

as for weight i lost a bunch a while ago, just start with small walks and look into intermediate fasting, completely changed my world

if you needed a fellow uni friend to talk to hmu!

>>44878635
Im afraid if getting ffs its not so much the surgery its coming out to my family basically that im a weird disgusting troon. Im trying to accept a life basically without them but ive been lonelier than ever

bump

I'm such a fucking loser. I can't keep a conversation alive to save my life. If I try to be myself, people ignore me since I'm not even a person. I feel like a hermit who grew up in a cave for decades, and even though I so badly want to integrate into human society, normal clothes don't fit on my misshapen malnourished body and my mouth doesn't know how to form the words of the language and I don't have any goal in my mind except survival. Even though I figured out how to function well enough to get a job, that leaves me a hollow shell of a person with the rest of my life. I'm not even worth acknowledging because there are over 8 billion people with more personality and love and interests and life than me.

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i wake up, and immediately remember the extent to which i hate myself and everything around me, and start to cry. i try so desperately to go back to sleep. it never works. i hate my stupid coneboobs. after a year and a half on hrt they're still small enough that i could go to the beach topless if i wanted to. i hate my fucking shoulders. i hate my jaw. i hate my glasses. i hate how my clothes don't fit me like they do real girls. i hate how my legs grow so quickly into a jungle of hair. i hate what's between my legs so much. i hate my voice. i can't think about a single aspect of myself or my life i genuinely like. when i am (rarely) happy, it only lasts a few seconds. i feel like life for a tranny is nothing but suffering. i'm so tired.

shes my everything but im probably completely nothing to her, i wish love was real

i never got to clear things up
but they were already tired of me anyway so being hated for things i didn't do hardly makes a difference
it's not like they'd want me around any more if they knew the truth, i'm still annoying and cause problems for everyone else

i don't even want her or my old life back i just want everyone to stop hating me

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i try not to say anything annoying and i just go completely silent because my mind is occupied by negative thoughts and almost nothing else
this is why i'll never have a lasting friendship again in my life
im going to die alone and unloved and unknown
no one will remember me

JOE BIDEN! JOE MAMMA!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

you'll be ok bro

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I think I called it unenthusiastic sex the last time I mentioned it, but I was assaulted. I didn't want to say it, but I caved and talked to the girl who did it and even she said that's what it was. She feels bad about it, but that doesn't help me feel okay. I have a history of sexual abuse and I really didn't need this to happen when I finally decide to try to be intimate. It's objectively the least bad (the fact that I'm fucking ranking it is proof of how much I'm coping, jesus) instance of sexual abuse that I've suffered, so I'm sure I can get over it, but I was already hurting. That's why I did this in the first place. I don't feel like I can ever do it again. Can't feel safe with someone like that. I look at the pictures of me that I'd started taking that'd made me feel confident for once and they just made me sick to my stomach. I hate myself. Why'd I let this happen? I've thought about killing myself more than once because I don't know if there's a point if I'll never get to feel safe. Was really heavily drinking, but got talked out of going at it again, at least, but I still really want to. I want to feel okay for once

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it’s hard to make friends as a guy who has literally 0 (zero) friends because everyone seems to be silently judging you. like yes i’m a loser but please give me a chance.

>>44892319
How are you weird and annoying, and what are your standards

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>>44914758
>how are you weird and annoying
clingy, zone out all the time, get needlessly caught up on nothing details, awkward as hell, terrible at receiving any kind of positive affection yet constantly yearn for it, can't read social queues for shit, either talking too much or too little at a given time, very paranoid and will take slightest rejections to heart even if i handle them maturely in the objective sense, the emotional sense is bothered about it for far too long, traumatized beyond belief and needs heavy coaxing to actually feel vulnerable, generally needs prompting to really do much of anything besides just existing, overall just a waste of a human being
>standards
literally just feeling loved, all of my relationships at some point reveal themselves to not really have loved me or just wanted control over someone

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why do i have to be such a pussy?

>>44915711
This has been my experience as an AuDHDer too, it hurts so much when people end up using you so much
>will take slightest rejections to heart
My rejection sensitive dysphoria got a lot better after trauma therapy so I could recommend that

>>44915711
Why is zoning out a problem.
Isn’t if something is a nothing detail subjective.
How is one terrible at receiving positive affection.
It makes sense. Can a human being be wasted.
Do you only meet people irl or where do you meet them.

ill never be a kpop sissy

i have to be a philosopher instead

i dont even like dancing or kpop to begin with

my beard is greying already

i suppose it's time to stop contorting my brain because of my deviant sexuality

bracing for the inevitable is stopping me from enjoying whatever time together we have left

>>44916080
>Why is zoning out a problem.
annoying, makes people repeat themselves, seems like im dejected and uncaring
>Isn’t if something is a nothing detail subjective.
by people insisting it means nothing, but worrying me anyway
>How is one terrible at receiving positive affection.
deflecting, refusing to accept it, having little idea what to say, getting scared of it
>It makes sense. Can a human being be wasted.
i assume you mean it makes no sense, the answer to that is yes if its like me, spending my entire life in a cage
>Do you only meet people irl or where do you meet them.
online is the only way i meet people for i do not really leave my house

>>44916448
god saaaame...

>>44916545
I don’t think anything you’ve said is particularly incoherent. Are you looking to talk to new people currently.

I don't like that trans people don't want to be futa. They're all I fapped to in the teens, I want my big tittied giant dicked subby tomboy who I can stroke off while fucking her holes and tying her up, fuck you mean even if you don't want to cut your dick off it shrivels and stops getting hard, and you can't have a pussy and cock/balls at the same time? Not to mention you aren't really transitioning in the body features and everyone can tell you're a previous dude. This isn't at all like my hentais and it bothers me, I wanted futas to dom as a fat ugly hentai protagonist, not boney jawed prudes who can't handle any sort of commentary ever.

Make reality more like porn if you're going to have it everywhere.

>>44916726
My dick works and I pass as a woman to everyone and havent heard sir in years. Sounds like skill issues abound.
That said, lol modeling your expectations off of porn. You deserve all of your disappointments.

constantly feel like a gross freak because i see the subtext in this weird, disgusting relationship we've cultivated. pretend i'm crazy pretend like you don't get anything out of it, whatever. i love you too much to stop you from molesting me anyway

Bump

>>44878635
the slow death of a friendship that was really important to me and the ensuing grief seem to have completely changed my personality and i barely feel like a real person anymore. it's been a couple of months now since i accepted it was over and i still don't really feel like a real person, it's like i'm drifting through space on autopilot. mind you i'm still doing the usual things and fulfilling all my obligations and i probably seem functional at work, to my partner, to my friends etc, just a bit unkempt and self-neglecting. but i don't feel okay at all, i'm either numb or extremely emotionally unregulated. i wish i knew how to feel normal again. today i had a panic attack on my commute to the office and had to come home and i could have spent the day doing productive things but instead i came here and achieved nothing but making myself feel worse. i also found myself missing her and came close to checking her profiles but i didn't. idk this month is a write-off, i hope october is better.

I have given up on life
I hsve a few days left to take care of things
Then Im killing myself

couldnt be a cute mentally ill tranny i had to be the ugly evil kind that no one likes and gets lead on with everyone trying to "fix" you ie fall in line with their stupid social sex expectations. I hate sex I wish I never entertained

>>44916701
not opposed

>>44919937
If you'd like I can leave my discord.

I wish I understood why you still pretend

>>44920283
sure

>>44920624
wastewastewastewastewastewaste

>>44920471
Pretend about what?

I didn't expect coming out to go well, but I didn't expect it to be "We're treating this the same as if you were killing yourself" bad.

I will never forgive you for hurting them. That was the one line you knew never to cross.

>>44919912
hang in there, champ, we all do

i can't think anymore
i want to go out and come out and figure myself out but i can't think
i usually have a monologue ect but i can't think
i don't know what it is
i used to hit myself on the head a lot because i was depressed i cant remember but maybe it's that coming back to bite me
too much of a coward for a knife so i pinch myself because it hurts
autism thing
anyway
i had a mental breakdown for 3 days and then i immediately got a cold
i'm just trying to scratch at the walls to see if anyone notices and knows what's wrong with me
i'm still repressing without doing it deliberately
it feels like a wall i have to break down
i'm not even sure i'm tranny but that might be cope
i like thinking about being the other gender though
*cough cough* agp impressed *cough cough*
as much as being in agony for those 3 days was awful i want to go back
i could think
i am not human now even though i never was

i think i might die soon
of myself or of something else
i'm going to uphold my promise to myself
and die in my overcoat
that sounds nice

oh well
i don't even like doing this shit but it's the last place i have

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October will be most likely the last month of my life
If I don't find a job by the end of it, I'm just offing myself
I don't care about returning to my home town, I'd rather just die on my own terms now than slowly agonize over there, witnessing the hopelessness of this world

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>>44924788

cutting myself kind of night, can only go so many without feeling anything into a harrowing sadness suddenly

>>44878635
i’ve been a shut in neet since i was 12 years old, the only things i like are anime and talking to people online. i completely missed out on my entire life and don’t think ill ever fulfill my dreams and goals that have been the only thing keeping me going cause i too lazy and pathetic. plus nothing in my life has ever gone well and i hate everything and have stopped being able to care about if people live or die no matter how much i try to force myself to care. i do like anime though and anime fandoms those are the only little things that make me happy anymore

>>44925139
Well, what are those dreams and goals? Why don't you think you can acheive them?

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Vent gen? Hmmm...what kinna unhinged thoughts and recursive trauma/memories do I wanna dump today....time to spin the wheel!!!

>>44924788
October 31st is my first suicide attempt anniversary. There have been moments where I came close to attempting again if didnt feel any better about myself and life. Well....I am still here.

Hope something rekindles that hope, even if it is just a tenuous glow. Thinking about suicide helps a person go through a heavy night. I think you still have hope considering you are giving yourself time to ponder it. Hope manifest in the most covert ways.

Those are my fortune cookie thoughts.

>>44925109
Man, might kinna night too. Draw the red marking coping skill....that is if it doesnt motivate you more....

I could use some suicidal ideation vent posts for my bedtime reading but ventgen so dead lately. Where did everyone go?

>>44925582
Most of the usuals kinda left it seems. Or maybe the board has been vented out now

honestly im barely even conscious in life anymore, just drifting by miserable

>>44925354
i wanna become a comic writer and artist (well manga-esque comic’s as pathetic as that sounds), I’ve always been good at art even if it isn’t an actual useful skill and i really wanna tell stories and share them with people but with my severe chronic deppresion, adhd, autism demand avoidance, inertia, my ptsd and just everything i can’t sit down and for the life of me finish anything ive ever started and the more time goes by and the more i fail the more disgust i feel at myself and this life.

>>44925614
The thing that was causing me so much misery finally stopped and I found new hope and light in my life. I dont have much to vent for now, but I make a point to regularly bump the thread in case others need it. This place kept me alive at my worst and so I hope it will help others as well.

>>44925850
that’s really amazing anon genuinely, usually i get jealous of that stuff idk it’s very hope-fuel. i’m so happy for you

>>44925837
Oh cool, literal clone of me. Except I was always worse at art than writing, I guess. I stopped working on stuff years ago because of worsening mental illness, my job, and drinking getting out of hand. I'm still holding out hope. I really want to make my stories a reality some day, but I just don't have the motivation at the moment

>>44925850
Fuck, forgot to say that I believe you can do it. No pressure at all, but there'll be a day where things are easier and you can get some momentum going :)

>>44925928
hey i’m worse at writing than art haha. nice to know there’s other creatives rotting away though. It just feels so awful because this is all i want to do with my life and the only thought keeping me going but i know ill never finish anything until the day i die

>>44925940
Same. Life's just really taken it out of me, but it's the only thing I wanna do. Which kinda creates a neverending soul crushing cycle, lmao. I may be rotting as I type, but just know I'm cheering you on :)

Posted this in gaygen. Kinda still processing it.

>>44925960

>>44925935
It feels like that day has come and it snuck up on me. Someone wonderful looked upon me in my darkest of darkest hours and offered willingly her light. Im unsure whether she will save me or ruin me in the long run, but right now I am able to smile again.
>>44925857
Even when I was at my worst, Ive always believed everyone can find their light. Ill believe for all of you, even if you cant believe for yourself right now.

>>44926083
Oh, that was also you?? I didn't realize you were both posters and now I find it really funny that we both decided to post anon, if I'm not assuming wrong, lol. If you are, I always thought we were similar, but wow. But I'm so happy you have her. Things will be good, I'm sure

Bump!

sure hope i dont get addicted to the feeling of cutting this deep

._.

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I need a hug so fucking bad

>>44926144
Hm? Im a little lost. I am/was a trip, but Im not sure what other messages you thought were me or who you are. :S

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Oh...
Im genuinely gonna show this to my therapist...

>>44929377
I wish I had cptsd instead of regular ptsd. Its so unfair i have to be constantly reminded my trauma is less valid by the fucking label even though i relate to most symptoms of cptsd

>>44929436
I wound up with both and its not a fun combo. It took me so long to realize I was pretty much operating on permanent fight or flight with occasional spikes into mega versions of that.
Frankly I think CPTSD is a lot more insidious because you wind up with the entire way you interact with the world rewired. My PTSD symptoms can be alleviated by avoiding a small list of major triggers and taking special care of myself. CPTSD symptoms make any time Im awake at least a little scary.
Your pain is real either way. Truly.

>>44929377
Save the memes for your discord friends. I think it's more helpful for both you and your therapist if you use your own words to express that idea.

>>44928501
Just the two in that post. Didn't realise both chains of posts were the same person. And I assumed you were Seraph, but now she's posting so maybe I was wrong, lmao

pffft like clockwork

>>44929503
A-ah. No, yea, you pinned me exactly,,, ><'' Ive been off trip because some people have been getting really weird about me and its not comfy.
But yea Ive been pretty happy and on a serious upswing for a bit now. Trying my best to keep the sudden momentum going without burning myself out.
>>44929493
Okay fair but I mean its still a topic I specifically want to talk about yk? Like, I think that was the crux of me melting down publicly for like 2 months straight was "wont SOMEONE notice that Im suffering, too?"
Bwa bwa. It feels childish but part of my brain is just so wired into the idea that my pain needs to be visible to be worth caring about and idk how to stop that...

>"please vent to me"
>okay
>"i see" *blocks*
...okay?

like a switch flipped

>>44929377
almost every time I have let myself go I have regret it. I assure you that your friends will help if you reach out more uhhh normally. I'm in a bit of a pickle too rn where i was feeling the same way, but I'm trying to pull myself out before I do anything too stupid. You've got this nona

>>44929637
I did not block you and your longest relationship was longer than mine, even aside from me having to force talking I find people who present themselves in that way contrary to evidence contemptible. You are more likable than I am so reading you say those things bothered me.

>if you think you know anon

>>44929703
likeable is when im discarded the moment people actually see me for who i am, whatever.

>>44929831
Everyone on earth can arbitrarily make up reasons for why they are uniquely unlovable or alone (and very many do), a bit hard to reconcile that with non-subjective evidence. Regardless how you responded interpersonally was also quite indicative of someone who had multiple options and was not desperate really. You should be happy about being likable but I am sure you've internalized otherwise and will make up justifications for why you are actually unlovable despite having more relationship experience than many people on this board.

>>44929831
nta but who are you then so that people discard you so easily

>>44929673
Yeeeaaa, I always feel worse for it after. My really good friends make me feel safe actually bringing my troubles to them, but sometimes my brain just goes haywire. I fucked up a connection that was very important to me 2ish months ago and kinda fell into it and just liek
Iunno
Now Im playing catch up and at least glad that my life is set up in a way where I can implode for 2 whole months and still be okay.
Still miss my friend lots. We've been talking off and on for a bit, text only, but she's been silent the past 4 days and it makes me tense up again. Just gotta remind myself that she's very busy and doesnt owe me any time or energy, especially after what happened. Blegh.
Not to focus too hard on her again. Bigger fish to fry and good things happening in my life.
>>44929637
>>44929703
>>44929831
>>44929857
Whoa internet fight. Remember:
>if you think you know anon...

>>44929964
sounds like you didn't fuck it up that badly. What did you do 2 months ago to make you feel that way?

>>44930219
Oh no, it was BAD, she is just probably a bit too forgiving + we were very close. Anyone else would have just blocked me across all channels and been done with it. Even then I got banged down from "besties who talk every day and hang out a few days a week" to "weird/creepy woman I text sometimes when Im bored" (she hasnt said the weird/creepy part, thats just me injecting how I feel about myself over it).
I was talking about her and her wife in pretty gross/incellish ways and acting pretty jealous/inflammatory in a server where nobody really knew either of us. She joined the server, read everything, and had plenty of reason to reassess our entire friendship. It also came out that I was very manipulative early on (and I kept the lie going for nearly 2 years because I was afraid of what would happen).
I... well, I frankly treated one of the most impactful people in my life in the past decade+ like trash because I couldnt keep ahold of my limerent emotions and because I thought she'd never see it. Shoulda just said the shit that was one mind or been better about keeping grasp on my feelings, even if it mayve resulted in us not being as close as we were - I was never entitled to that closeness to begin with.
I kinda hate myself for it and spent months publicly tearing myself apart because of a mix of intense shame and also a sense of wanting to be seen suffering for what I had done. I know (and knew) it wasnt right, but mental illness.
Ill never. EVER. Do something like that to anyone ever again. Ever.
Anyways, thats about as much as Id like to discuss the topic in one sitting. Ive been trying to focus on the good in my life. My gf will probably give me an earful when she finds out im on about this topic again... actually, she probably wont, she's very gentle with me, but i know she will be a little disappointed.

why won't you just do it already I know what's coming stop stringing me along you already said it's a long time coming

>>44930591
Yea thats kinda what the back of my mind sounds like,,,

like a tock ticked

>>44929597
Your secret's safe with me :D
I saw the posts in lesgen last night and was wondering if you were here, too. And I also know what you're talking about with people being weird. So glad things are going better for you, made me so happy to see that

I've been so lonely that I've been considering try to e-date again despite being in my 30s, but I doubt that would even work so I guess I'll just keep drinking

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Since this thread keeps appearing in the front page shuffle for me, I figured I'd stop by. I won't be staying. Just one last scream into the void.
This is the worst I've ever been doing in my entire life. The "and then, things got worse" continues unabated. Last week I had my first job interview in over a month, and was told to expect to hear back from them in 2-3 days; three hours later I was reading the rejection letter. I'm still trapped in the closet and get deadnamed & misgendered by my MIL every day. It's been so much worse than I ever expected. My soul has been slowly ground to dust. Yesterday I had a crying, shaking, hyperventilating panic attack thinking about my SO's entire extended family, with whom I'm also not out, coming over this Friday for dinner. I can't get out of it, both because I live here and because I'm expected to cook. SO says she'll tell them about me before then; I guess I'll find out soon if she means it. I have no one to talk to. This thread was the last place I had for that. Now I feel completely isolated & alone, and there's no light at the end of the tunnel.
I've been thinking a lot lately about ending things. Poison seems like the most romantic option. The constant drumbeat of being deadnamed & misgendered every day has also made me think about detransing, but since that would also result in my killing myself, I figured in that case I might as well skip to the finale. But I probably won't. I'm a coward, and also, I don't want to hurt anyone, even if it means being hurt myself. And since I haven't thought of a way to do it that wouldn't inconvenience others, I guess it's just my fate to suffer alone. But there's a part of me that wonders if I'll 41% before I hit 41. Only a couple months to go.
I hope you're all taking care of yourselves & each other, nonas. I'm sorry I can't.

>If you think you know anon
That's why I prefer to remove all doubt.

>>44932840
I'm so sorry to hear all of that. I wish I had something more valuable to say, but like you said, I don't know you. I just remember you posting here and think you deserve better. I hope a job comes through or a new housing oppurtunity comes up or something that can break you loose even a little bit. I really hope SOMETHING improves

i want to talk to people but whenever i do i regret it
im too painfully autistic to talk to
i had a guy today invite me to a hangout with another dude and i know they both like counter strike but i dont i dont play videogames so what am i just gonna sperg out about saint anselm's christian rationalism or niche 9th century ecclesiastical latin poems in wonky dactylic hexameter from saxony even when they know im not a believer
autism is a curse

I’ve been extremely miserable lately. I’m so lonely, my friend who I was emotionally dependent on doesn’t really care about me anymore, I can’t blame him. And im trying to be more open about my feelings, but it seems impossible - how much can you understand me? What can you say to make me feel better? I’m a child trafficking survivor and I really feel that im from another world to everyone else. It makes me sick how much I miss being violated. I’m in this strange sexual relationship with a much older man, and it reminds me of it, and I hate how it feels, how much it feels like assault, but I’m so addicted to that disgusting feeling. And my intrusive thoughts have been so terrible lately, I’ve never been more afraid I will give in and hurt someone, they are eating me alive

all I've ever wanted is to be loved. it feels like it isn't meant to happen. the older I get the more I try to shove away the desire but it just gets worse. I don't know why I can't get this stupid fantasy out of my fucking head. there isn't a single day I don't fantasize about being held, and then getting sick and visualize shooting myself in the head, I think it's the only thing that would actually help so I don't know why I can't bring myself to do it, the gun is right fucking there but I can't do it

it never gets better you can improve your life on paper stable finances pursuing your interests going around and doing things but the hollow feeling is always still there eating you from the inside out none of it matters in the end

>>44933315
can you tell me about the poems? I don't know anything about poetry and have only read a few

>>44933507
basically theres this guy called Gottschalk von Orbais and he was a monk from saxony who developed an heretical theory called double predestination which stated that god had already determined who was going to go to heaven (and behave accordingly on earth) and who was going to hell (and sin on earth) contradicting the catholic tenet of free will so a bunch of other monks and scholars jumped on him and he wrote a poem explaining his point of view and i only could find it in a collection of other 9th century latin poems from saxony published by some weird german cultural org or something and there are some weird poems there are some that look like a word search
https://archive.org/details/monumentagermani04f2gese/page/934/mode/2up
that page is gottschalk's poem on gemina praedestinatio

what i also find interesting is that he writes in dactylic hexameter, a meter based on vowel length, which had already been long lost
since its the meter of the aeneid and the metamorphoses it was an easy option to choose merely because of its cultural significance but he does make some mistakes here and there that are easy to identify

also Gottschalk von Orbais is a sick ass name

>>44933739
fascinating. I wish I could read latin but it's interesting nonetheless

>>44932840
Hi Honeydew. I'm sorry that things are so bleak and that the people around you are hurting you. I'm just a noname anon and we only exchanged a few replies on here but I remember you as one of the only trips who was nice to me on this entire board. I hope you pull through

i wish i knew how to talk to you i’m sorry i miss you so much

>>44878635
i wanna vent about something that made me really fucking dysphoric, i learned that apparently vaginal fluids are made of like blood plasma mostly and while i already hate mine and thought it was gross i feel like i can’t even escape leaking blood from my open wound on t. it’s so fucking disgusting i want to die i can’t even be aroused without immediately getting unaroused and disgusted when i remember im leaking fucking plasma. I don’t even care about blood i’m fine with licking it off crazy girls who are into that shit but just anything from my wound disgusts me so much i genuinely just need it gone i need a penis i need a dick so bad i’m going to throw up i just want to be a man, why would anyone want a gross leaky hole i hate this

>>44934313
Here's how to talk: open your mouth and say words.
Youre welcome. :)
(For the record im mostly taking the piss. I wish my person would talk to me. Sorry youre going through this)

>>44934313
I have someone who can't talk to me and it's really hard :( I haven't been calling her as much as I should and feel bad about it. I'm sure your person misses you too

im fucking retarded but like in a way thats more retarded than retarded

>>44934313
why can't you talk to them anon?
>>44934735
same

You say you miss me and want to spend more time with me
But then go cold and distant, and refuse to talk to me or acknowledge my existence
It's getting fucking tiring

>>44935111
coward

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? IF YOU THINK YOU KNOW ANON?
>you probably don't

Another October 1st, another day of 4chan celebrating my birthday. This is always fun

>>44935985
Happy birthday, anon

>>44936213
Thanks babe!

You promised... you lied...

>>44936608
what were you promised?

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finally booked some much needed time off work for later this month lol i'm burning out again and i'm constantly exhausted. i caught myself in the mirror a couple of times and realised how tired and drained i look. i haven't had actual time off since late june and pretty much every weekend for the past few months has been busy too. summer is a rough season in general for me and it's still fucking hot and sunny here but the forecast looks like it's getting cool for my birthday, thank fuck. so basically i'm off next friday for that, the friday after and then the last week of the month. things are looking up a bit. this year my life sorta crumbled apart, i went through so much shit like losing a close friend (she ain't dead or nothing she's just toxic), getting evicted and having to move on short notice, dealing with post-surgery weight gain and depression, etc. but Q4 is gonna be good, i trust the process. moving in with my bf so i've saved a load of money on rent and i've gotten a lot more toned since quitting the drink and hitting the gym (it's funny because i'm still about 10kg overweight in BMI terms but i've never looked and felt better, working out gave me actual curves and definition whereas my whole transition so far i've been skinnyfat but as straight as a ruler, i think if i lost another 5kg or so while building muscle my body would be tea) so i bought new clothes and started to dress cute again. some of my irls barely recognised me when they saw me again after this mini glowup. it's gonna be my year after all.

>>44936885
Just dont ghost me. I hate that shit so much. Be a fuckin grown adult and at least say "this isnt working out".

>>44878751
this is like that movie the clovehitch killer. not very good movie but same premist.

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I wish you actually meant it

okay i will vent (:
its very difficult knowing i have a fine working brain and could be a normal person if not for my body
like ppl think im an awkward autist but its just that I am always worried about how i look. if I was 15 cm shorter, a smaller person with a smaller ribcage and thinner shoulers, if I was like an actual real life woman and not the philosophical concept of a woman or whatever then i would live a fine normal life. I have a pretty good taste in clothes I think but I cant utalise it. im forced to wear huge baggy shirts and pants and have big poofy hair because if i DONT have that then i look like a man. its really my one huge roadblock but its unbeatable. theres nothing I can do abou thow I look. even if i had the money for surgeries, its too much to fix. so I just have a hard time going to social functions and I seem like a big awkward loser to everyone who knows me

>>44936900
I dont know if were meant to respond to others vents but I also had this idea to go through like a miniglowup and then improve myself over the year

>>44937189
>>44937194
you can respond! for what it's worth i actually relate a bit to your vent too, or like it could totally have been written about me a bit earlier in my transition. like many people on this board are the opposite, they look fine but are genuinely mentally deficient or socially retarded so can't really function in society or work/study and it leads to crazy copes like "i'm a post-ffs 8 years HRT boymoder" or whatever. i was different, i was always pretty sociable and good at school/jobs and stuff, but when i transitioned i ended up a bit like that you describe: not feeling like i could wear anything except clothes that hid my shape, ridiculous big hair, really awkward in social situations because of my newfound self-consciousness, etc. what helped for me was honestly time, effortmaxxing, finding out that clothes worked for my body (turns out i look way better in slim fit and tailored stuff than baggy shit especially now that i'm more fit), finding a better hairdresser and admittedly, yes, a bit of surgery lol. but it took me years yeah i remember all those awkward uncomfortable interactions at social functions, friends treating me like a disabled autist, etc. it can get better for most people i think, i have no idea what exactly you're working with but it likely can.

>>44937271
ive always been self concious about my body for reasons I was yet to understand. I was social, but I hated myself. I thought it was about me being short and skinny but then I did medical stuff that made me big and tall and i still didnt like myself. and now I do live objectively better and hate myself way less, but I still have this stuff and I thought like that I would be able to get rid of it with estrogen but it doesent seem to fix that much. I cant show any of the changes I had with estrogen cause my skeleton is still the same, its still male. its just so hard to have my life be so obstructed by what is essentially a birth defect, and one that I dont even know if its fixable

>>44937271
do u want to talk with me? my discord is thebabypenguin

>>44937346
i'll add you! i will warn in advance that i'm a pretty busy person and i can be a bit of a bad texter sometimes but i'll try my best to respond

i hate life in society (HAHA INSERT LOW QUALITY JOKER IMAGE LMAO! kys) i hate having to interact with people
id love to be mute at least then i could have an excuse to not have to fumble through the smallest social interactions and wanting to kill myself for weeks after the fact
and still im not autistic enough to have selective mutism
this morning i had to take the subway and as i entered the station i saw they were cleaning and someone asked the cleaner something so i asked him if it was ok to enter and he just looked at me with the most irritated face ever and said "i dont know, why dont you try, is there anything hindering you?" and i said "i just didnt know" in a very subdued tone and he stood there furrowing his brow waiting for me to go in
he wasnt even cleaning i think he just had to be there
also i bought a ticket for a concert by a band ive never heard before because a friend who lives in another town was coming to see them and i thought he was coming alone and apparently he knows other people in my city (while i dont know a single other person) and he was going to spend the day and go to the concert with them and i was very excited and bought the ticket too quick and now i feel cucked because i dont know the other people and i am always awkward and maladroit around people i dont know so im gonna have the worst night in a while and im probably gonna ruin their night too but the ticket is already bought and its tomorrow no refunds so fuck me i guess
why do i have to worry why dont i just sleep all day im a slave by nature i wish ii could just be someones property and they would just tell me what to do and keep alienated from the entire world and i wouldnt have to do anything by myself unless i knew my owner wanted me to do it i am so weak and retarded i am a slave i need to die i need to kms i am a slave i am worse than a slave

I still don't believe it. I'm not sure if I am capable of doing so, yet it seems to be true. I have but one question.

Who did that to his sister? Was it a serious accusation?

i cant seem to love people and it makes me feel like i never will, the only person i got close to loving (romantically) did not respect me and does not like me being a troon. i met the most perfect person and my brain and body wont just let me love them. why do i still want my ex. why cant i love someone.

>>44937605
why can't you love them?

I just remembered I got raped on a high-school trip in front of most of the men in the group

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I normally work back of house but there are a few events every year where I am forced into a customer-facing role, and one of these is coming up. I get that we're short staffed and we can frame it as "Meet the people behind making [PRODUCT]," but I am a turbo autist who can't make conversation to save my life and am just generally unpleasant to be around. It doesn't help that I manmode at work and a customer at the last event could tell and made a comment. I am not built for normal human interaction, just let me be in peace.

I wish I could stop this feeling of wanting a relationship again. I know have nothing to offer and nobody would find me appealing, so why can't my brain understand this?

I really need to stop drugs for good, there's been like 2 out of hundreds of times where I didn't regret turning off my inhibition

I can't be here anymore.
There are too many reminders of you.
It's been so long but it's just not going away.
I still think about you every day, and it makes me sick.
I still miss you, though I never want to see you again.
And I still love you, and I hate that about myself more than anything.
I wish we had never met. But, there's no undoing what's been done.

what did they do to you anon?

>>44938212
i dont know. feels like the part of my brain made to love and feel romance isn't there

I sometimes wonder if I had been not molested or at least less molested I would still have had dysphoria and the desire to transition

I have had dysphoria since I was 7 but until this point I had been already molested by 2-3 people

People keep saying that I'm very fembrained so it reassures me that I would have transitioned anyway, but I keep wondering because of my brainworms

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I cannot fucking stand my living situation anymore, moving in with gf's parents biggest fucking mistake right after letter her move in with me first.
If it's not the fucking dogs shouting near constantly it's her godawful father having a fit or acting as if he's the only person in the universe. I've worried that I'm a narcissist but after seeing how this clown behaves I think I've been overreacting.
Wish I never fucked up my credit for this girl since it means finding an apartment is nearly impossible.
I need out...

>>44942692
I get that anon. I've always felt unworthy, or like I have to work harder to earn something 'special' like that. I think that my poor self image makes me treat others poorly as well, maybe even seeing others as less worthy of love.

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>>44878635
please be lucky, i shouldn't care about you this much, i shouldn't love you, but i do and i am worried sick about what the next seven months have in store for you. i just want to be able to see you next year, i just want to be able to be in your arms. why do i feel so fucking strongly for you? i don't even like guys. what the fuck is wrong with me? why are you so kind to me? i wish i had kept the way i feel about you to myself, so you don't have to feel guilty, so that we could just be friends. i haven't felt this way about someone in years and it is killing me. i'd throw everything away and risk it all just to be with you for a week. just a week. i keep waiting for you to do something hurtful, something that will make me resent you, but it doesn't happen. every time i think you will pull away, you get closer to me but at the same time don't want anything? are you scared or just trying to avoid hurting me? fuck.

>>44942774
if he thinks you're not into men he's probably just trying to respect your boundary and not push anything.

>>44942790
no, i've expressed that i like him to an embarrassing degree, i have said far too much to be completely frank and he has reciprocated here and there. i just don't think he wants anything beyond friendship with me because he is so far.

>>44942820
men are dumb, so maybe he didn't understand. how clear have you been? are you a guy? maybe he just isn't gay

>>44939010
Fun update: I had to ask some smokers to move away from our extemely flammable storage area, and they just said OK and moved. So why am I shaking like I've just been through some kind of confrontation? Why is my brain wired like a prey animal's? I'm disgusted by my patheticness.

>>44942950
Adrenaline surges in those situations are normal, your body was preparing you for possibilities.
You're shaking because you have leftover adrenaline from that situation.
The shame you feel from it isn't necessary, be proud that you're intelligent enough to perceive potential threats and measure all outcomes, and that your body is reactive enough to give you what you need to survive.

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i feel so alienated from all my friends, they’re all cis and it’s just so isolating to be the only trans women in my group. my interest also like barely overlap with them. also doesn’t help that i’m incredibly touched starved. idk what to do atp

>>44943167
Thank you, it's some comfort at least.

about a year ago I started obsessively stalking someone I used to know and it's been bad for my mental health but I dont want to stop.
It was a traumatic situation where I was not given closure or intervention by professionals, and now stalking him feels normal. He posts on a few different socials so I'm always keeping tabs, he likely doesn't know that I'm doing this.
Its hard to avoid him in online spaces because we have the same interests, I stumbled upon one account on accident and it spiraled from there.

It makes me regain a temporary sense of control over my life, I feel like this disgusting trauma rules me and I can't get over it.

>>44943375
i’m kinda in a similar situation with my ex where it’s something i know is bad and probably only hurting me but it’s just become a part of my routine

i miss her :(

It would be great to be worthy of love

>>44943394
I don't understand why I'm so attached to the routine, I have no positive memories or desire to contact him. I know that I'm safe from him but still I check every day, multiple times a day. Wishing you luck in recovering, anon.

i feel like i’m in a self-destructive spiral and idk what to do

>>44943458
I am as well. Recently had a traumatic experience and I want to destroy myself every second now. Even though I'm fully concious of it, it's hard to do anything about it. I wish I could help you, but the only thing I've been doing is not even giving myself time to think and that's probably not good advice

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pathetic thread
failed normalfags lost

Laura, ik mis je zo erg. Zoveel doet me nog aan je denken

i cant do it i just cant do it im just not cut out for college im sorry i just cant
there are too much people i cant look at people i cant interact with people its too many individuals and my mind is too small im too pusillanimous i cant take it i want to learn and the subjects are interesting but theres just too much people for me to focus or muster the energy to go to campus and i want to go as an auditor to a lot of classes but thats even more people and i cant i cant everybody looks at me with disdain like i am a monster even the queerest weirdos i dont know what im doing wrong
also i moved here and i thought maybe its just the people in my town but its not changing and whats worse THERE ARE PEOPLE FROM MY SMALL ASS TOWN IN MY UNI I CROSSED SOMEONE FROM MY TOWN TODAY AND THEY GRIMACED IN DISGUST IN MY FACE GOD I HAVE TO KMS im so pusillanimous i cant take the slightest i cant take the slightest pain

i wish i was a monk im not even christian i have tried being christian but i cant get myself to believe and if i said i was a christian to be a monk i would be lying to myself but at this point i would like to lie to myself for once and allow myself to be pusillanimous but also my parents are radically antichristian and it would be even more conflict and i cant handle the slightest conflict god i need to kill myself i need to die i need to die im worth nothing im nnwworth nothing I NEED TO KMS ALREADY FUCK FUCK FUCK I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE SHIT WHY AM I SO FUCKING PUSILLANIMOUS KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILLEME

what did i do for everyone to hate me?
is it really just being autistic?
whhy havent i ckill ed mysefl already

without stimulants i cant get anything done but i always run out!!

why did i think i would be happy here
what if i disappeared richey edwards style and move secretly to germany or austria or even some eastern european country and join a cloister as a monk and just stay there hidden til i die

and what if i move to india or bhutan or some bhuddist country and i join a bhuddist community as a monk
i really dont care about the faith i just want to be a monk to be left alone

ims o pathertic adn i dnt knwo anyoneonte irl to vent about my patheticness

ishtereanythinggoodinsideofyouifthereisireallywannaknow

id hope im a good person

i'm so touch starved i need something, anything i feel so hollow but i'm disgusting and deserve none of it

my god i'm tired. being busy is bad enough but to make matters worse i'm sleeping like complete shit too, i keep waking up in the middle of the night and i don't want to move too much in case it makes my bf up so i just lie there hoping i'll fall asleep again. every day i've been at work until 6pm, then it's a 45 minute multi-transfer commute from hell to my bf's place and then it's straight to the gym for two hours, i maybe get like one hour of actual rest. i feel like i work 5x harder than anyone else on my team and they keep piling shit on me but i never get any support. my energy is depleted, everything and everyone is annoying me, there's zero airflow in the office and i can't open a window. just three more hours and then two days of partial rest (though i'm sure i'll get hit with some bullshit that requires socialising and/or hauling ass halfway across the fucking city on the metro). i really can't wait for my birthday next week, i booked the day off and i plan on staying in all day apart from maybe going to the gym and not interacting with anyone except my bf. that's if i don't have a fucking stroke first.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBbq82-s33U

>>44945024
are you ok?

I don't have any recollection of it, I just remember how I felt when they showed me the video, it was overwhelming, took me a while to process it, and all the laughs and mockery didn't help.

pusillanimous
anima pusilla
little soul
insignificant soul

i dont wanna be a man
everday more numb to agony

i really cant do this i cant speak with anyone im so pusillanimous and stupid and retardeed and autistic and meek and weak and monklike and christlike to my chagrin

>>44945994
life becoming a landslide
eyes freeze in nature dead

what if we fucking killed ourselves and no one cares because no one fucking cares and I should kill myself 1 less useless evil tranny raping up the world with evil

>>44946565
life isnt worth living its never going to get better for us we might as well die. there is no one to listen and we arent worth listening to might as well finish the job and never look back no one will look back either its ok we are loveless evil fuck ups this is our destiny i want to kill myself

continuing to try and believing there was any hope was a mistake, as usual

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Maybe I really should commit suicide. But its so hard to bleed out and hang yourself. I was about 4 stories high and i just raised myself a little too high on the guardrails. I know better. I need to bit a bit higher, but the thrill of slipping felt so savoury.

Look at it metaphorically, one of these days I will slip and the drop will be a splatter to remember. For now, I guess cutting myself just a bit and writing suicide all over my arms will do for now. But it isnt enough anymore. I want more.

Bamp

>>44946577
i agree make that 2 less

I still don't know how to move on. I still think of you often. I still see you every color and direction in my life, yet you're not there. I wonder what you'd say, I wonder how you'd dance. When I hang out with my sister, I see you in movies. When I hang out with friends, I see you in laughing at the drama. When I do things that make me feel fulfilled, I see you telling me how proud you are of me. I think it really is a horrible fate to be in, being taught of a new feeling and suddenly having it gone. No dating app, no discord server, no frengen or tagmap or meetup comes close. I talk about it everywhere. I open up to everyone. To all my friends, family, strangers. They talk about 'getting it', but I don't think they really get it. I feel like an elder, having their spouse die early, find peace. Except I'm not at peace. I was looking at the stars the other day, with my sister and her husband, talking about religion and whatever. All my problems are so small. Everyone is so lonely. These are the same stars that you look at too. One day we'll meet up there, I sometimes think. I'll cry to you, I'll talk to you, I'll smile to you, I'll laugh to you, I'll be there to you, you'll be there to me. I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how to cope. It's been months. I'm still confused. I don't know where I'm going. This must be what alcoholism is like, relapsing again and again. I'm kind to everyone, I know. I can't see myself anymore. I just close my eyes and my feet moves forward. Sometimes, I still imagine you are still with me, when I open my eyes, and see you in the crowd.

i feel like i have no one i can vent to without making me feel like a burden. it’s especially hard cause i know all the problems in my life are my own fault. i feel trapped. by not expressing these to anyone who knows me feels like im deceiving them but opening up to them about it would just make me feel like im an annoyance and bother. i’ll probably continue down this spiral until i kms

>>44951064
I get the same feeling quite often and all I can say is just talk to them. Burden or not. If they care about you, they won't mind at all

wwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeee i will be L9ne forever at thijs rate. i am too afraid to l9ve and womanen bate that onviosuly


i was meant to earn love but i was never able to earn my wage. i was never able to grind and gian enough exp go level up, and that is my own fault. i am unfortunately responsible for most of my 'a use' after a certain age

fuckfuckfuckfuck why did i send that message to my ex i know it’s only gonna hurt her im so fucking stupid, i hope she just ignores it and blocks me