>>44954328
i think i low key psyopped myself into being trans and now idk what to do i kinda wanna detrans socially at the same time i don't and want to go on
my problems were always kinda with how i look and not what i am socially categorized into but im at a point where i pass so itd be massively weird to detrans low key
i spoke to my pastor about detransing but he couldnt help me because he told me hes not a psychologist and cant tell me what decision is right and im just a bit at a loss
i feel like a trans guy trapped in a trans woman's body or something like that idk i feel like i made some mistake but at the same time i feel like i didnt
i dont really feel im a woman if someone asked me id say im a man but the most accurate classification would probably be a trans woman i think
i saw myself in the mirror with slight upper lip hair and i didnt recoil at it in disgust like i used to

I don't know if I actually have any friends anymore - they seem to be just people that hang out with me when it's convenient for them.
Last time I saw them was two months ago, another one almost four months ago. Nowadays we barely talk and they mostly moved on with their lives while I'm stuck transitioning and hiding myself from the world. I don't remember when was the last time I felt supported by any of them, they are always overwhelmed when I try to talk about anything that's bothering me, having nothing to say. I've also been slowly distancing myself from them, thinking I'm undeserving of friendship.
I think that huge factor that contributed to it is the fact that as a tranny I genuinely see myself as subhuman insulting others with my presence, I am also too miserable to be around. Being trans around others is too much for me to function properly and have normal relationships.

Dated someone for a month and things had been going so well and then they ended it.

I feel stupid and like an idiot for feeling this way. I mean it was just a month I shouldn't feel this for such a short time. Yet I do. I hate myself for that. My brain tells me that I barely knew them and that if o hadn't fucked up that one time then I would've fucked up another way but still o just feel my emotions way to much.

Worst part is that after past experiences I swore, I PROMISED myself I would never fall and be vulnerable like that again yet I did and got hurt again. I felt a genuine connection with this person. So now I'm coping by smoking weed and playing videogames till late every night after work to try and forget. I try to forget and move on and I've been doing better but I have bad days.

I hate myself for feeling like and making mistakes with this person. I don't know anymore I just feel hurt. Dating as a tranny is hell so I'm trying to cope with videogames or weed or going to Grindr and having hookups with random men. I thought I was doing well today but I saw a picture of us I had on my phone and started feeling hurt again. I just don't know anymore.

Woke up extremely sad today. Cant focus at all. Eugh

>>44957000
I've had a lot of those lately, you'll make it through. As long as there's nothing dire to attend to, just do something nice for yourself so you can wake up better tomorrow :)

>>44957302
There is ALWAYS something dire to attend to. I hate the life I built for myself.

>>44954401
psyopped how? how would that even work?

>>44954401
you can enbycope
if you like guys i recommend enbycoping
if you like girls soft detrans may be smarter

I'm not getting her back this time

>>44957535
I also know how that is, lmao. I'm sorry, it'll pass. Just show yourself some love anyways. Some things are more dire than others and if you destroy yourself, you won't be able to handle any of it

met a man in some dark alley and got fucked
i dont even enjoy it and i dont know why i do it
my lonely faggot life

I wish people wouldn't just set their online status to offline or dnd or away all the time. I keep freaking out if I said something wrong or if they're just too busy to be checking their messages. Also makes me so wary message people not knowing if they have the time or not. I know this is my own mental illness making it such a big deal though so I know it's unfair to ask people to change their behaviour, plus I also know they won't when I do ask lol.

>>44958162
I know this feel and I promise you, you're fine, lmao. I get anxious about that stuff all the time, but some people just won't respond as fast as you and it doesn't mean they hate you. If they don't have time, they'll get back to you when they do

>>44958247
But what if I keep messaging when they want to be left alone? What if I don't message often enough and they think I'm no longer interested in keeping the conversation going? I've so many bad experiences from both sides, plus a whole bunch of people going "oh I forgot to reply" but also a lot of people saying to just forget about them or they slowly ghost me before removing me.
I even stopped opening my discord on pc so I'm not staring at the dead chats all day but the silence still hurts.

i finally found a guy that i like but he doesn’t like me back and it makes me wanna kms

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I just want a dick and be a size 32.
Why does that make me wanna cry every time?
Today’s just been crap. The depression’s back, so nothing is fun. Dopamine doesn’t exist today. I need to get things done. I need to catch up on the things I have people waiting on. The neighbors are so annoying.
I want to blow my brains out.
I wish I had never been born.
I wish my body had been born the way my brain says it is.
I want to be a twink some days. I want to use the tucking underwear I keep getting advertised but there’s nothing to tuck!
I wanna wear clothes and not get depressed about how I look. I wanna see myself in the shower and not want to cry.
But the mask has to come back on. The feelings get pushed down. That’s the normal, isn’t it. Because I’ve tried to kill myself and it didn’t work. Fucking failed at even that. Just more bills to add to my problems. It’s not worth surviving again.

>on HRT but manmoding full time due to Neanderthalic facial features, borderline unsalvageable hairline, and lanky build as well as being a lateshit
>See other trans women presenting out in public often because I'm in a hippy libtard town
>Really wish I could just come out but I am too busy with life as a student to put in any effort into a feminine appearance
>There are also crazy homeless people that would probably make my life a living hell as a hon
>Feel so lonely and touch starved
>Can't date women because I don't want to spring the whole troon secret thing on them
>Can't date men because they're scary and were the reason I repped so long
>Can't date transbians because I'm a total manmoder hon who offers nothing and they're all so pretty and interesting
>Plus I'm very monogamous and could never do hookups or poly shit that is common for them
>I have zero friends to admit being trans to or help me
>I have zero friends
>There are trans and queer community groups but they would probably be cringe and also I'd be showing up as a manmoder, leading to even greater cringe
>Only option is to exist at the fringe of society and feel like a failure in every possible way

p sure im developing some flavor of 'serious' mental illness but i cant bring myself to search symptoms and i already know trying to find professional help is a non-starter... guess i'll just ride it out until i finally break

>>44959741
what flavors are we talking about

I got a job offer far away from home and I didn't think I was gonna accept it but I've been thinking. I've wanted to kill myself for a really long time, like even before ik the word suicide I used to lay alone in bed at night listing to CDs wishing id just evaporate away to make it all stop. originally I was nervous to be away from my partner and school but I still really do want to die. My biggest hang up has been not wanting my partner or family to find my body. If I take this job I'd be far away from everyone and I think I could finally do it without fear of what I mentioned above. So I might go. Before I had this idea I really didn't wanna accept it but now I feel as if I have to take the job because it's the best shot I've had wt finally escaping this mess.

>>44959741
like paranoid schizo stuff or just bpd emotional metldown or what

>>44959809
current theory is bpd but im also a lil paranoid it might be worse. hard to tell if it's just auditory/visual processing issues from untreated adhd or worse.
one of those situations where you can tell something is wrong but fuck if I can put a name on what. just kinda lost i guess?

>>44954769
I came to post basically this almost verbatim but instead i'm a chaser man and I don't smoke weed. I've been upset about it for longer than our relationship even lasted. But it was such a special month and a half where I felt truly loved, lusted for and wanted. Rather than desired for what I provided to them. Oh well.

>>44959823
what symptoms do you get? if you don't really know how to answer, what makes you think bpd?

i'm finally going to kill myself tonight. i've been wanting to for a long time; i've had a gun for awhile now. it's clear that i'll be alone forever. i can only talk to other lonely people, and they're incapable of making connection. i can't find anyone like my old friends from highschool before i transitioned. i desperately seek out others, people please, basically interview them to keep their attention. it's exhausting. i drank some whiskey, so at least ill feel alright on my way out. i get to listen to music too, that's so blessed. if i just made a couple better decisions i wouldn't be here. transitioning is embarrassing, but i couldve still done it if i didnt make bad choices like trying to rely on my friends for support. if i went to school a little more or something. i hate being alone so much

>>44959851
im sorry you're so alone right now anon, i know how you feel. please don't hurt yourself. you said you've transitioned but you could've still done it? is there room for you to focus on it? i think the impulse to people please is very understandable but i think what a lot of people are looking for is someone honest, with raw edges who doesn't walk on eggshells. i say let your hair down a bit. i will be thinking about you anon and wishing you the best. please stick around

>>44959851
you should let me keep you company instead!

>>44959841
I keep swinging rapidly between feeling motivated wanting to get my shit together and feeling like I am in the deepest pit that I haven't felt since HS, multiple times a day until I finally go numb to it all.

it's been awhile since I've been on here, but I'm back and writing a response to a post for the first time in years. I'm afraid I'll never move on. I just randomly remembered, as I'm writing this, that there used to be a gen on here by a aroace person hoping to connect with other aspec people and I hope they're doing well.

I never get what I want

>>44960001
well... what do you want?

>>44960016
something I can never have

it's all so incredibly disappointing. how can i do anything but laugh?

I loathe that my ex wife never actually loved me and did the things she did behind my back and still tried to act like she loved me, it sucks to look back on our relationship and realize that every single time she told me I was too much some how, some way, was really here not being able to deal with the guilt she felt, and the fact that during our whole relationship she was never herself, just a fake mask she put on, and it was that which drained her, not me, you vile bitch, I wish I could have been the one to give birth to our kids because that is the only thing you can lorde over me, but know this, I raised my daughter, and you are raising our son, and time will tell just what kind of influence we had on our kids, good luck.l

this can't go on any longer I'm going to snap

>>44958283
Just do what you can. It's not worth it to try to drag people to pay atgention to you. Message people when you wanna talk to them and they'll do the same. It sucks when people leave, but the people who stick around are worth it

>>44960495
what do you do when no one sticks around

i just want to fucking scream my lungs out but i can't
i could but id get fuckin arrested
every second that goes past my threads come apart more i've gone fucking insane
fucking flesh cage i can't do it anymore but i can't kill myself because i'm a coward and i don't want to jump from a bridge
i want the funeral to be open fucking casket so my mother can look at me and see what the abuse finally did to me
does anyone know any ways that aren't painful and won't throw me into a million pieces
fucking ruined myself because of this website anyone who says trannyism isnt a social contagion should be shot
i hate being a physical thing that thinks and breathes and wishes it was alive
ok i'll stop trannysperging now sorry

>>44960527
I always just kept hoping that someone would. Getting used to being alone hurts, but if you're lucky that won't be forever. You just have to try

>>44954328
i lost all my friends in one year and i think that fundamentally ruined my ability to trust people

>>44960554
just tried to kill myself again
didn't get to the bridge
just started crying near it

Drinking heavily tonight. Brother wants to have a "talk," but his wife already warned me that he doesn't support my transition and is treating it like I'm killing myself. Also, his wife's only experience with trans people is FtM detransitioners, so she already tried to get me to stop. I understand that they both care about me in their own ways, and I knew the risks of coming out to them, but it still ties my stomach in knots. At least this thread helps me realize my problems are relatively banal.

I wish I could stop getting so horny and leaking precum every time I crossdress. It ruins the experience.

parents made fun of me for cutting

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>>44954328
i haven't come out to my family yet and icl the way they might react makes me feel a little scared

my mother found out from my (ex) therapist about a year ago and it completely ruined my relationship with her, she doesn't want to see me nor talk about it. my grandmother (who now has brain damage) found out because my mother was stupid enough to tell her that i want to transition a few months ago

i haven't seen most of my family in almost a year and i've always had a very strong emotional attachment to them, and i don't want the way i am to ruin my relationships with them. i don't know if my grandmother or mother has told them anything about it yet and i'm very scared about the possibility of the rest of my family finding out via them, specially my grandmother

>>44954328
Even if I kill myself, my tombstone won't have my chosen name on it cause none of my relatives bothered to remember it.

>>44960956

I am so tired of experiencing this. It just proves that being trans is to be alone.

Finally admitted to myself I was trans a couple months ago and I’ve been more miserable than ever since. A lot of it is that i genuinely (correctly)believed I was trans at like 12/13 and then was too scared to come out to get on blockers/HRT even though my parents would’ve gotten me on them had I came out and then I convinced myself i wasn’t trans and repressed for like 7+ years, fully dissociated from my body, and now that I’ve finally admitted to myself I’m trans that ability to dissociate has vanished and not only has that been brutal but also I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I could’ve been a youngshit if i were simply not just a coward and avoided this torture altogether.

I’ve legit been avging 8+ drinks/day for the past month and it only seems to be increasing no matter how much I try to stop

Got drunk tonight. Bad idea. A lot of the pain has passed, but it seems like where I've landed is hypersexuality. Might just be a worse form of the intrusive sexual thoughts I already had, but it's worse now. Alcohol somehow amplified it even further. I know I don't actually want sex, someone touching me would make me sick, but it's all I can think about. I'm usually a much happier drunk, but I'm completely melancholic right now. Just half-hearted thoughts of sex that I can't even do anything with. Just the state of my mind. I feel disgusting because even though I no longer really want a relationship with her, a lot of my thoughts have been about the girl I had a crush on. I just feel like a pervert. I never let myself sexualize her before beyond finding her attractive because it never felt right to do that to people, but now it's every other thought. Better than the couple of times I've thought about the girl who assaulted me like that, but I still wanna be lobotomized. Been fighting a lot of self-destructive urges lately, including just finding another random hookup. I feel so alone. That's my attention whoring for the thread, thanks everyone :)
And goodnight!

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It feels like my forum won't be succesful and I wasted a lot of time and money ($3) setting it up. I feel like I am failure and don't have any friends. welp.

>>44961181
ew

cant even cry any more

If she had ever cared about me I don't think she would have acted that way, I don't think she would act this way. I don't know if that thought is comforting me or hurting me, and I don't really know the difference.
Either way, the end result is that I hate myself more than I did before. I stepped through the same patterns of cruelty like a line dance I was recalling the steps to, then acted shocked when I stomped in the same imprints I had already left on my heart.
Anytime I stop moving all I can think about is what she did to me but anytime she thinks about me she just brushes it off.
It's all my fault anyways though, so whatever

>>44961735
Its never your fault when people hurt you. Even if you baited it, even if you failed to protect yourself, even if you somehow begged for it... good people dont hurt others (not on purpose, at least).
Repeating cycles of pain is real and awful and Im sorry youre going through that.

>>44960495
>the people who stick around
Ah so I really am the problem

>>44961826
>even if you somehow begged for it...
I did. I begged to be hurt, and got what I asked for. I'm like this forever.

>>44962239
That doesnt make you at fault. It makes you hurt. But nothing is forever. Nothing. It can be a grim notion but it can also be a freeing one. Pain can heal. Bridges can be rebuilt. Trauma can be laid to rest. Life can go on. You'll be okay one day. Take the time now to tend your wounds. It's okay to grieve and feel pain.

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I honestly wanna try DHT blockers because of the slight fem effect (or at least reducing further masculinization) but I just dunno how I'll get it prescribed. I guess I could just claim I actually suffer from pattern hair loss but I'm worried I'll just screw things up. Really skittish around bureaucracy. I know I should probably post about this in that hrt thread but honestly this is this is the first time I even look at this board and I'm just really anxious right nowwwwwwww

>>44962441
i just started dutasteride a few weeks ago. it was easy to get a prescription. i told my dr i noticed more hair than usual coming out in the shower. she ordered some blood tests to rule out any deficiencies and when all that came back normal i asked for dutasteride and walked out with 3 months supply.

>>44962771
Yeah I've been considering just claiming that, hoping they don't really check much further. Saying I'm non-binary or something like that probably won't do since that doesn't fit the system.

>>44963692
you can also tell them it runs in your family and youd like to get ahead of it. i think most drs would be accommodating to that

I'm in agony because I'm a pooner who started T after 18

I am greedy. I am trash. I am gross and disgusting. I don't need more and to ask for it much less want it is bad enough. I don't deserve the things I have.

Beep

i want out i want out i want out i want out i cant fucking do this anymore god fuck

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>>44954328
I cant get bica so im just doomed to watch as my body rots and masculinizes and theres nothing i can do about it. oh god make it stop please just fucking make it stop im begging

>>44965961
injection mono works pretty well for me, can you get that?

>>44966144
unfortunately no, plus i have a crippling phobia of needles

>>44966194
i did too, but i promise its worth it. i basically forget about hrt except for once a week. no blockers messing with my head either.

I hope this isn't the end because you're still worth wading through all this shit

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Ow, that one REALLY hurt.
I wont collapse. I wont collapse. I wont collapse. I wont give in to venom. I wont give in the worst parts of me. No angry messages. No angry vents. Remember people love me. Remember those words came from a place of hurt.
Fuck.
I feel sick to my stomach.
Genuinely nauseated.
Itll be okay. Just sleep it off. Everything is okay. Everything is gonna be okay.
Goodnight thread.

I feel like just talking to you is breaking the promise I made to you..... Fuck. New madness mantra acquired. Okay goodnight for real this time.

I hate that I'm so messed up now that even though I just started talking to someone a day ago and she's super enthusiastic and playful and fun, I'm already dooming and getting depressed about it going wrong. I should have never tried dating

>>44954401
>>44957644
I feel like enbycoping is actually still the move even if anon likes girls. many women are into this

>>44967243
Goodnight! Things that hurt will heal, so don't worry!

Threw up from emotional pain and misery. Fuck this, I cant take this anymore. Im too weak. Im sorry. Im pathetic. Im sorry. Just let me go already.

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another night of fantasizing about someone taking care of me and teasing me and loving me for who I am. I shouldn't complain beacause I have a friend and we talk every day, but I feel so alone and I don't know if it will ever get better. I don't like that I'm autistic and hard to talk to and can't talk to anyone else except those who have already been forced to be close to me. my appearance is sad and I don't want to be perceived, it makes it hard to go outside, and the less I do the harder it gets, a sort of loop that has ended with me not leaving the house in a few weeks for anything other than groceries. I don't think my interests are boring but I've never found anyone who really cares. over a decade spent trying to find someone who does. I don't think it will happen. I would like to believe that life is more than just fighting to make things just barely tolerable but that's all it has ever felt like. picrel is my most recent sketch.

sometimes the line between 'venting' and reality become blurred to the point where I feel like venting too hard can twist my feelings into something they are not. I dislike when the fake 'crazy' self merges too much into the real 'sane' self

>>44968754
I do think that a lot of causal intimacy has been lost and that increases urgency and stress related to romance.

something is different this time and I do not know if there is any going back

>>44968679
are you the anon who's posted in this thread before? what's bothering you so much?

>>44968939
Im a bad person. I hurt people. I dont deserve to live.

>>44969006
i doubt that's true. you don't need to spill your guts but what makes you bad? what's the emotional pain you're feeling? sometimes it can help to spell it out for yourself, even

>>44969029
I hurt people. Whether I mean to or not, I make them worse. Make them scared. Make them anxious for the rest of their lives of meeting another devil like me.

>>44969074
how do you do that? How do you know that's true? I used to think that about myself, but I don't think it's true

>>44969087
People keep telling me how I hurt them. I almost never mean to. Im just careless abd stupid. But Im toxic nonetheless.

>>44969184
and what sort of hurt? maybe there are things you can do to correct it? it could be that they are airing these grievances because they want to sort it out and appreciate you. :)

there are also people who are just not very good at expressing themselves. i'd say that if you're not meaning to, as long as you take reasonable action in the future to correct it you're ok. you don't seem evil.

>>44969197
You dont understand how long and how deep this runs. Decades, plural. No matter how much I change, my very presence is toxic and twists everyone around me. I should be properly cut from this world, but Im too cowardly to do it. Ill keep hurting people forever and ever. It is my nature.

>>44969211
>decades, plural
>probably 32 at most
ok.

>>44969211
also bestie you sound like me wtf is your problem. are there like bots on this website trained on my insanity or what?

>>44969233
Nta but going by your numbers that still means this has been going on since they were 12, their entire formative teenage and adult years

>>44969241
yea but still it's solvable. you basically have to ease yourself into things while working on your ability to manage your own emotions and removing yourself from situations where it becomes overbearing. isolating yourself only hurts yourself AND others because there are probably people who care about you out there who just really don't like it when you are hurting or lash out or whatever. BELIEVE ME. I've felt like this since I was 8 and I'm mid 20s now. I have friends and I STILL struggle with these feelings. I no longer go to the same extremes I used to.
Like a switch flipped?
No

Like a tap dripped.
recovery is slow bestie.

>>44969258
That doesn't explain why you had to downplay anon. Also none of what you say means anything to someone who has been unable to do this for years. You only spiral deeper and deeper because of you had the means to get yourself out of it, it wouldn't have lasted decades. They need actual professional help, not someone smugly telling them to get better.

>>44969283
okay fuck you you win. anon is a useless sack of shit who will never get better

>>44969283
Ok I see how I am coming across that way. I didn't intend for it to be like that. I didn't want to just say 'go to therapy' but yea that is what anon needs.

>none of what you say means anything to to someone who has been unable to do this for years
and I go on and off posting basically the same thing anon has posted, despite knowing right now in this moment that I am capable and I am not a disgusting failure. I'm willing to bet that anon feels similar.

>>44969283
>if you had the means to get yourself out of it, it wouldn't have lasted decades
Yes, and I used this EXACT excuse to NOT seek help and NOT try to improve my situation because I believed I was UNFIXABLE.

I AM NOT TELLING ANON TO PULL THEMSELVES UP BY THEIR BOOTSTRAPS. YOU GUYS ARE ALL CRABS.

>>44969294
I've never implied this, don't be such a little bitch. I'm standing up for anon
>>44969297
The way you say it is as important as what you say. You're looking at it rationally now because you're in a decent place mentally. Anon is at the bottom of the spiral though, they need something different than rationale because their mind won't let them see it anyway. Sorry for being a bit aggressive, you meant well

>>44969316
You used the "excuse" of not being able to help yourself to not seek external help?
How am I pulling anon back down in the bucket by pointing out certain comments aren't helpful to get anon out of the mindset they're in right now?

>>44969331
I thought that if I wasn't able to 'fix' myself, not completely, but enough to be 'somewhat functional' that I didn't deserve professional help. I often struggled in the past with not 'putting in the work' in therapy so I had therapists just drop me entirely. I was worried that I would only be wasting their time if I was at the bottom of the pit.

also, sorry, I got really emotional. probably proof I shouldn't be posting any sort of 'help' online. lol

>>44969347
nta but you sound like a pos

>>44969340
Ah after already seeking out help, yeah that changes things. A lot of doctors fucking suck. My first psychologist talked me in to quitting therapy because I "wasn't putting on the work" and then he switched to the same new clinic as me and took my case and told me there wasn't any reason for me to bother with treatment.
I'm genuinely convinced not getting the right help makes you end up in a worse place than getting no help

>>44969347
You struggle with your own shit too, that's okay. I assume you want to try to help because you know what it's like to feel that way. It's just not easy

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I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want to commit suicide.

>>44954328
Can I get some opinions on my body please? I'm at a loss, I don’t know what to do anymore
https://litter.catbox.moe/347r4tpr5tjtvhia.jpeg
https://litter.catbox.moe/3cqvjbum71hjeik2.jpeg
https://litter.catbox.moe/p46wqn7ao8obvzg5.jpeg

>>44969451
gain weight

>>44962441
dude dht blockers dont feminize you at all beyond making you not bald and making ur jizz more watery. i was on duta like 2 years before transitioning and i looked the exact same until i started e

>>44969406
Mind if I ask why? I love your trip btw

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>>44969451
You look fine. Healthy body. Nice skin. Nice hair. Clean room for one, I mean, really nice room. If you feel comfortable with your weight, then stay as you are. Of course, always eat healthy. Love yourself. Maybe just work out a little, idk, enough to tone the body if that is what you want.

To be honest, not really sure what you are concerned about. You look so much better than me. I hope one day you find peace of mine and accept your body so that the mind may rest. Even for just a little bit. Take care of yourself.

Oh, yeah. Nice Piplup lol.

>>44969464
But they prevent some further masculinization? And some of the testosterone will be converted into estrogen instead Honestly it's the aging effects of DHT and stuff I wanna keep at bay as best I can. But yeah maybe I could use something else as well...

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>>44969467
Well....it is one of those "I don't now where to start. It's a long story" kinna deals. Just a compounded of events and a lot of repressed thoughts, feelings and pain unleashing this year. This year in particular, has just been so heavy, somehow, even more so when I was an agoraphobic.

Right now, I want to kill myself just to stop the pain. Maybe just rest. But I know better. I have hung myself and thinking about that compression and convulsion is gong to set my instinct into overdrive. Plus, it takes too long to die of asphyxiation. Then there is cutting yourself open....emmm. Sorry, I go on tangents and I feel that hardcore "Ventilation Hangover" as I like to call it.

Kill myself to just go to sleep forever. I have really ruined my life these past few months. Tomorrow, I have a speech presentation to make and I have forgotten all the crucial information. It's whatever. I am just a blade of grass amongst a million. To each their own. You really think this kind of pain has never been felt? No one cares. No one will carry you forward. No one will be there. No one cares about your future. No one cares what you think at the moment. No one truly cares at all. The problem is....I don't even care about myself at all. So, no one does.

If you made sense of all that babble...that is why I want to slit my throat open and bleed out.

>>44969505
A familiar story sadly. I always think it's a bit funny how killing yourself can be such an ordeal when people die instantly from the tiniest of accidents sometimes. Funny how like works.
I hope your presentation goes well anyway, maybe some sleep will jog your memory. Mornings usually open up some space in my mind after all the nightly dooming

>>44969480
my body doesn’t look feminine or passing to me. At all. All I see in the mirror is a skinny male body with barely and breasts or hips. I've been on HRT for over four years and recently lost 15lbs that I had gained on HRT previously

i miss him i miss him i miss him imisshimimisshimimisshimimisshim i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him

>>44954328
Life gave me a super feminine facial structure, short stature, and naturally feminine voice, but it also cursed me with thick and coarse facial hair and all over my neck. Most of it has been eliminated by laser at this point but still work to do. Fuck this shit

I need to kill myself I'm sitting outside of the faculty reading a book and taking notes and I'm too scared to even go into the library and everyone probably thinks this is performative reading but for some reason I can't get myself to do something as simple as going to the fucjing library to read the place where you're supposed to go to read man fuck mere
and just now I heard a voice and I thought it was the only person I know here but it wasn't and I looked up with hope and it was someone else and he looked at me weird godfffddddd I'm so pathetic I need to kill myself NOW

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>>44969808
I am going to toss an extreme example. I have cuts/scars all over my body, especially arms. I stopped hiding them this year. People either dont notice, look and dont say anything, notice and not care, and most of all, see another unknown, move on, and forget.

The moment the guy that looked at you weird turned around....*POOF*
You stopped existing in his mind. Yadda yadda yadda yadda, it is all in your head right? But damn is it hard to get those stupid intrusive thoughts out. Worst of all when it permeates for too long turning into recursive thinking.

Pretty no one needs to day it, but that anxiety needs some attention.

>everyone probably thinks this is performative reading
No one is thinking about you at all. I doubt people even consider if you are reading or not.

>I can't get myself to do something as simple as going to the fucjing library to read the place where you're supposed to go to read man fuck mere
The fact that you are there is good enough. Eventually, one day, you will be in that library.

> just now I heard a voice and I thought it was the only person I know here but it wasn't and I looked up with hope and it was someone else and he looked at me weird godfffddddd I'm so pathetic
Man....that must really sting.

Well...all that useless babbling from me aside....try this technique called "Grounding" if you can. Just walk outside take a stroll, but try to be more conscious of your surroundings. More than usual. Forget the people. Fuck those things. Just feel the hot or cold temperature. Look up at the sky, cloudy or clear. Calm for a bit.

Dunno if this reply even helped but....take care.

an hour and a half until the next class fuck fuck fuck
it's not even my class I want to audit other classes and I'm neglecting my actual classes why the fuck did I choose translation I hate uni I should just stay home rotting and dying

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I need Lefort 1 Impaction (cuts at upper jaw to shorten it vertically)
Fat grafting and/or cheek implants
Double jaw surgery
Upper lip lift
Blepharoplasty

And I'm set

FUCK ME SO MUCH now a fucking wasp came right up to my face and I recoiled and dropped my book and said shit in a loud voice and I dropped everything and Im still in the same spot but I don't wanna read or do anything anymore and I'm just looking down genuinely how do people live I feel like I am doing everything wrong

>>44969846
thanks it's comforting to hear but I'm just too pusillanimous and meek to try to be better you seem courageous or simply you accept life but I'm a pusillanimous slave and I can't seem to accept what happens to me so the least I can do is scream anonymously into the void to get this stuff out of my system
please don't waste your time on me

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>>44969896
>now a fucking wasp came right up to my face and I recoiled and dropped my book and said shit in a loud voice
Lol.

> I feel like I am doing everything wrong
Wait till you get a load of me! To be honest, your situation sounds just like what I have been through (to some extent, still am). Despite all that anguish you still showed up. Last semester, I would just skip class to sleep the whole day away or just not leave the house. These days I just show up, go straight home, and do nothing all day. I think you are doing some stuff right.

>I'm a pusillanimous slave
I'm a lil' pussy bitch too. I feel a lil' bolder, sure, but...maybe not a pussy anymore. Just a bitch.

>please don't waste your time on me
Well, I mean....it's just an anonymous board. I am not really wasting too much time than what I already waste even if I am not talking to you right now. I think I am using this time to comfort someone. Doesnt sound too much of a waste of time.

You like being heard no?

>>44969945
you look fine cute butt

>>44969945
why are you asian if you're working rn?

>>44969963
it doesn’t matter where I am from, not the US
>>44969948
define fine

>>44969233
40 and fuck you

>>44954328
I need to kill myself. I'm completely unsocialislzed, got no skills, no hobbies, no hope for anything and I hate every single person I talk to.
It's completely impossible for me to salvage this

>>44969760
Is there nothing you can do?

bump

>>44970392
nothing :(

>>44968251
You say that, but there are things that happened to me as far back as 16 years ago (social/personal) and as far back as 26+ years (trauma) that are still hurting. That still make me react in unpredictable ways around people. That still give me regular nightmares.
Im not sure if this will be one of them. But it sure feels like it. I finally was feeling like I shouldn't hate myself and then I went and fucked up in the ways I always do. Repeating patterns. Finally stopped crying daily after months, things looking up, and had the fact that Im a careless oathbreaker shoved in my face by the person I hurt.
Huffff
This one feels like it's gonna follow me. How long will I think about the weird queer "family" that could have been? How long will I grieve inflicting one of the exact same traumas that was inflicted on me upon my own children. All because I couldnt shut my mouth and learn a lesson someone else tried to teach me 15 years ago: Anything you say anywhere will inevitably be heard by everyone that matters to you.
Ill be fine for now but Im not sure how many more scars I can take before Im made of nothing but wounds. And the worst part is that after a certain point, theyre all self inflicted. I cant even blame anyone but myself.
I dont want to be a person anymore...

i dont even jerk off anymore, i just beat myself until im satisfied, im alright with this but its also my form of stress relief so its kinda awkies when i have to dip from a conversation to have a go at myself and then come back a lil bit hornier

>>44963769
Honestly I'm just worried I'll end screwing something up in the future if I gave false information, and that they will at least give a visual check. I haven't noticed any pattern hair loss yet and I I shouldn't be genetically predisposed to it either.
Honestly I just checked for it on a dark web market but the only prescriptions they're selling are for erectile dysfunction and various androgens.

>>44954328
when do i start feeling like a real person who can exist in their own body?

It took me 3 days to fall for her and now she's already gone

I'm really close to killing myself, I feel like i have no real connections to anyone and everyone i try to talk to ends up being distance or just not caring when I say something. I thought starting e might help with it but it's just made me hate everything I repressed about myself more and ik that i don'thave the ability to change. I tried to kill myself the other day but couldn't cause the razors hurt me, ill probs just get drunk and do it in a couple days

>>44954328
I have no more power to convince people or change anything in my life. I am either stuck in a pitiful and painful life, or I die. I will choose the latter. Life after twink death is not worth it. being an ugly fag moid isn't worth it (I'm not into other old fags). Trying to blend into society and seeing my disgusting filthy face every day isn't worth it. I don't give a shit how my suicide will be perceived anymore. If I can not have anything resembling my desired life, then nobody will be entitled to my presence, either. I don't care what morons think. They can have their shitty coping mechanisms and know they won't have to hear my nagging high pitched screeching voice and see my horrid being anymore. I will die, and that's okay. There is likely nothingness after the brain dies. Once a part of the nervous system is removed (e.g. an arm),t here is no more feeling in that part, same for consciousness. I just need to gather the courage and finally end this shit.

with the recent cornell 7 case coming up in the news, i couldn't stop thinking about what happened to me a few years ago. i went out with this guy i met online, we had some drinks and it was cool. i had to come back to my dorm by 9pm since they had some strict policy back than, but i totally forgot about it and was going to call my friend to stay at her place for the night. this guy offered to stay at his place and explicitly said he won't try anything. i agreed, we went to his apartment, ordered some food and he offered more drinks. in about an hour i was going to go to bed, we got separate bedrooms and it was cool, when i was already falling asleep, he started texting me stuff like "i'm so horny rn" and "i'm gonna come over and fuck you". at first i tried to joke it off with something like "yeah ofc go to bed silly", but he continued, and when i said no, he came over to my room, got into the bed and started touching me. when i said i don't wanna do this he paid no attention and continued. so, he fucked me despite me trying to push him away. when he finished, he went to his room and i just sat there not knowing what to do. i called my friend and left. to this day i haven't told anyone about this. idk why i'm writing this, just needed to vent i guess

i am not doing so good. freaking out about my ex despite how we’ve been separated for almost a year. i want to be able to say i moved on but clearly i didn’t. i feel like they unblocked me to torture me, like they are gonna send me a vid of them getting railed or some evil shit. i know they moved on and have been in multiple relationships so why they would unblock me is so far beyond me rn.

>me: I'm trying to fix myself up
>them: have you tried dating?
wtf why are normies like this.

>>44971819
Why not?

Starting my second year of uni has been rough, I'm slacking at work, at school, in my relationships. It all feels so genuinely overwhelming, I've never been less certain about being able to do it all. I'm running to my hobbies because I'm a lazy incompetent bum, so while I've started dressing well, doing sports and all that (I am generally an active person when it comes to stuff I don't have to focus on), inwards, I've just been feeling a strong sense of dread and uncertainty. I've set up a life that demands me to do things, and I am just not able to do them.
It sucks because my life is perfect, I've got a loving partner, I've moved out, I'm studying at a prestigious university, I'm smart, whatever, but I don't have it in me to go on.

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I am dating multiple people and I genuinely wish I could break up with them because it is miserable when they leave me out of anything, but I can't because I will completely destroy everything I've built up to this day. I spend my days masturbating alone while they have sex without me and every time I bring it up they pretend everything is fine. I am about to jerk off to a video of them having sex. Nothing would change in their lives if I didn't exist.

>>44969896
everyone's scared of wasps

>>44974897
Sorry anon.
*hugs*
Some (most?) people suck at being poly. it takes way more work to avoid that situation than just "relationship anarchy LOL". it sounds like they aren't good partners if they dismiss your very real issues

>>44974989
Nah, it's my fault for ever thinking I could be a polytroon without insecurities. Oh well.

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im 25 and have never been in relationship or had sex everytime i see someone talking about this stuff i want to shove a screwdriver into my eye socket and gouge out my brain

I have turned into my mother and driven everyone away just like her

i miss my ex so so so so much. i regret everything and wish we could just go back to being best friends :( it's been months since we last talked and i still feel the edges of the hole she left in my life every day. pls pls talk to me again my sweet girl...

>>44975726
why can't you just talk to her?

I sometimes check this place in the hopes she's posted here

>>44975830
Same

sometimes you need a woman to break your ribs before you can heal

really missing my ex, ended up stalking their reddit and I’m glad to see they’re seemingly doing well.
I completely fucked up choosing my current girlfriend over them, god I’m a fucking dumbass fuck my stupid tranny life

>>44976207
fucking break up already, don't do that to someone

i miss talking to him so much

can you guys stop going through exactly the same things as me within each thread

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Someone thought I was being abused because my eye circles are so dark. No, i am just sleep deprived to the point of delirium.

I dont want to wake up to a new day. But it happens. First thing that is on my mind is suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide. Suicide.

Suicide.

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>>44954328
why do you keep doing this? do you like me or not? i wish i wasn't trans because then you wouldn't be so in your head about all of this. why do you feel so evil for wanting to be with me? who the fuck cares what you do or don't like? it hurts so much. i wish i could see you in person sooner, then you would just get over all this and we could just hold each other and everything would be okay. why am i so fucking bpd over you... i have never met a man like you, i've never even really wanted to be with one. what's so different this time? fuck, i hate myself anons.

>>44976428
Do you think he misses you?

why do i get the feeling seraph is racist?

I need to be touched so bad. I got a taste of what I was missing after so long and it was immediately ruined and I need it to be good again. I'm just not ready to let someone again. I don't know who would

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>>44954328
i fucked up my voice while voice training a few weeks ago. now, i can't say more than a few words without everything feeling tight and hurting. i'm sick of it i'm so dysphoric about my voice and this is what i get for trying to work on it. fuck me i guess.
im very dysphoric about my hips and ribcage too. it sucks cause these are the two things that i can't really do much about. it's just bone. yea im going to the gym and trying to work on my glutes but that can only get u so far yk. i feel like a dorito on legs and idk if i'll ever truly be able to forgive myself for repping til the age of 20.
im very lonely. i feel like i've basically given up on dating cis women. even if they're nice they'll shoehorn me into the role of "male" by default and as soon as i stop reaching out and planning stuff it's radio silence. most trannies i meet are very mentally unstable and really struggle with hygiene. the ones who are well adjusted want nothing to do with me.
i had a shitty childhood and every time i've been vulnerable with someone ever in my entire life i've gotten hurt, so i strove really hard to be super independent and have a good career and savings and all that so i wouldn't need to be subject to anyone's whims. but now being vulnerable is super hard. it also means i tend to self-isolate when i feel like shit and i get really scared and self-sabotage when i catch feelings. i've been to a ton of therapists and their answer is usually some version of "u jus need to lub urself" or "u jus need to put urself out there" and while it's not wrong, it's nothing i can't get from fucking tiktok. so idk, unless i find like the ceo of therapy or something i think im just gonna be alone forever and im rly struggling to accept that.

>>44977086
Hm? What makes you think that? =0