my whole life i've been very isolated and shy/quiet. i don't know where it came from, but somehow i got this sick idea in my head at a really young age. starting at around maybe age 7 or 8, every day i would hide away and lose myself in a certain fantasy.i would think about being cornered by an older girl or woman. maybe a teacher, a babysitter, a cousin, just a random stranger on the street, something like that but never any actual people i knew just imaginary people filling these roles. and this person would sort of loom over me and dress me up as a girl by force and be sort of half humiliating/laughing at me and half admiring and fawning over me and saying i was so cute. and i'd imagine that i'd be mortified while also doing a horrible job at hiding how much i "secretly" liked it. These fantasies would get so elaborate. I'd often fantasize about being kidnapped and "forced" to live a new life as a girl somewhere else. getting married to some woman 20 years older than me and made to wear a dress, or being someone's new "daughter", or something worse. as I grew older these fantasies became increasingly abrasive. by age ~11 i was thinking about being groped, kissed, molested, and by age ~14 i was thinking about being full on raped or sometimes even just beaten. i never watched porn. i don't know where i got such dark thoughts from. i was never a victim of sexual abuse either, although multiple people that i've met have either insinuated that they suspect it or flat out asked if i have been. apparently i act in a way that makes people think about that and its been brought up to me in really inappropriate situations. now i'm an adult, but i never really stopped thinking about these things. they've changed a bit over time but the core has remained the same. it's always been a sort of coping mechanism for me, especially when i get really upset, i imagine someone gently calming me down and forcefully taking advantage of me at the same time.What's wrong with me?
>>44958768i kinda do/did this, i ended up trooning out though
>>44958854yea me too but i'm really ugly so my life is hell :(. i also as a kid used to pray to God that i'd either wake up one day as a real girl or at least stop wanting to, but that never happened. i didn't let myself transition for the longest time because i was terrified of being sent to Hell. but now I know that i'm already there. and imagining getting manhandled is just about the only relief i ever feel.i hate everything about myself and my life.
>>44958768shamefully bumping my thread just one time just to see if anyone else can relate or has any thoughts on where this comes from
>>44958768also did this, the mind loves to invent scenarios where you get 'forced' into dong a thing you're afraid of commiting to because of social ostracization
when i was a little kid i had fantasies of a mad scientist who owned a lab where he’d put naked women in large tubes and reconfigure them so much they didn’t look like themselves anymore and he’d make their entire lives around being his sexual creatures while they’d beg and scream to go home and i’d even have elaborate plot lines where people would try to get his business shut down then would end up trapped in said tubes and turned into his rapedolls.>t.i was being molested by my mom
>>44960521i was originally gonna name this thread "childhood fantasies" to try and indicate that i wanted people to share their own too but i forgot to put it in before i hit send. thanks for sharing. im so sorry
>>44958768Honest question OP Did you ever go to daycare?
>>44960529lmao it’s fine i just think it makes the story funnier to add the context on why i was like that as a kid. also had a lot of ones where women were mutilated and killed one of them being minnie mouse
>>44960539i don't remember
>>44960542No way to ask your parents?And what was your relationship with your parents and relatives?I ask because I have inexplainable behaviors and fantasies that I personally believe may have come from being drugged/groomed as a young kid.
>>44960549i could ask but im not going to because then they'd ask why i'm asking and i don't wanna deal with that. my relationship with my family was and is completely awful. my material needs were always provided for but it was an extremely cold and unloving environment. my parents absolutely hated eachother and would get into screaming (sometimes violent) fights daily but were one of those couples that were just too ashamed to get divorced. my dad would cope with his misery by getting blackout drunk and completely retreating from family life and my mom would cope with it by taking it out on her kids and screaming at us over anything she could think of. no one in my family has ever expressed love for anyone else in it and from a very young age i hated my parents and knew that they hated me. they're the only people i've ever personally known that i actually hated
>>44960586I am so sorry to remind you of all of that, I was worried this was the case. Remember that you not only survived. It have grown the intellectual and emotional capacity to identify the lovelessness of your childhood home environment; many never get to this point or get to it entirely too late. You are strong, smart, and very probably capable of powerful love.
>>44960714i'm not sure i am because no one has ever loved me but thankyou for saying something so nice to me
>>44962247You sound like a really sweet gentle soul to me.
>>44962676i think i sound like an emotionally stunted pervert,,but thankyou
>>44962696The way you write is so sweetly delicate and feminine. You are a little bit of a perv, but that’s ok, all humans are. You can try to deny that shy, gentle girl inside but you can’t hide it from any of us, dear.
>>44960586This might be the reason why. The environment you grow up in heavily impacts how you view and form relationships later in life. If you were raised in a hostile environment your brain learned to associate violence and anger with safety and love and now you're stuck with the aforementioned fantasies.
this is how serial killers are made
>>44963601Who tf are you bro
>>44964018i'm anon. look, the point is, nursing unacted desires always leads to tragic outcomes. act the desires, or kill them
>>44963601i often feel really creepy and i'm terrified that people see me like this. i feel like buffalo bill. but at the same time, i'm like extremely conflict avoidant and sensitive and terrified of ever doing anything that hurts anybody else. i don't want anything bad for anybody except for certain political figures and world leaders. i'm so concerned about being scary i've actually asked people in my life if i'm intimidating but the response every time has been to laugh at me. multiple people independently have told me that i'm "the least intimidating person they've ever met". it's weird. >>44964030>act the desireshuh? i don't know how i could possibly act on this desire since it's all about other people doing things to me. i'm always passive. one time a girl i knew in highschool threatened to rape me and i felt mu blood run cold but it was also the closest i've ever felt to this imaginary feeling in real life. but that wasn't really up to me.
>>44964109>how i could possibly act on this desire since it's all about other people doing things to meyou can't settle for cnc? trooning as self forcefem? or even cnc forced trooning? i'm sure you could find somebody into that (not that i'd say that's necessarily a secure way to transition). i don't think you should feel like buffalo bill, since the only person who experiences violence in the fantasies is you. but that's what makes it very personally dangerous for you to nurse these unacted fantasies. you might let someone take advantage of you who does the worst
>>44964168people have often expressed that concern for me but i'm not worried about it because i'm really, really unnatractive and nobody likes me. and i don't really care what happens to me anyway.>you can't settle for cnc?no i would totally do that but nobody wants to do that to me,, . im like basically an incel and i've already transitioned too. nonerotically. its actually not erotic at all it just sucks its just like really miserable.
>>44964109Don’t listen to >>44963601 or >>44964030 nona. You seem like a kind person who just wants to be controlled and feminized. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re also so scared of bothering people that you won’t even embrace yourself. I’m a mostly straight trans woman but the thought of standing over you, telling you how cute and harmless you look, grabbing you by your wrist and forcing you to go shopping with me while we pick out your new clothes feels so good. I would tease you about the clothes you’re too shy to admit you want and then take you home while you try on every outfit and pose for me like a good girl… And if you cry, you can lay your head on my chest and we can watch a comfort movie or cartoon until you fall asleep in fresh clean blankets. Then I can make you a nice breakfast and be your new mommy figure and dote on you until you’re ready to live as the loving, sweet, pretty girl you were always meant to be <3
>>44964220>no i would totally do that but nobody wants to do that to me,, . im like basically an incelhere's someone >>44964288 who's willing to do the very thing. they obviously can't read, but it doesn't sound like you're too choosy
>>44964288well, i'm already like a girlmoder now and stuff and it's kinda normal for me now (kinda, i'm still debilitatingly self conscious) so some of these things don't have the same appeal or don't make as much sense as they once did. if you had said this to me when i was 13 i would have lost my mind. now when i hear the word "feminized" i kinda cringe. but thankyou. i find it a little reassuring i think to think that there are other people out there in the world somewhere on the other side of this equation who think about things like this. >>449643434chan isnt real life...
>>44962696emotionally stunted perverts = gentle souls
>>44964363so get on that real life
>>44964396you made me smile>>44964402i'm trying! but i'm really ugly so nobody likes me! i've had a couple people express an interest in me so far this year but they've all been either like really weird or just emotionally unavailable (polyamorous and only interested in casual sex).
