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Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
(perhaps even try arrange spontaneously meeting up with an IRL contact near you!)
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: presently defunct afaik.
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

I’m doing locktober and working on my fitness and clothes

>>44980663
that sentence started and ended at to entirely different places. good luck anon!?!?

Realizing life will continue like this forever
I reached the end of What Im capable of
Just a mediocre life at a dead end job with nothing but a numb feeling towards abything more.
I will die like this snd thats ok
I have nothing to look forward to
Transitioning didnt matter it wasnt for me I made just an other mistake like my time in uni and all my exes
It’s done. Im just waiting now.

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>>44937003
>I now have mandarin and gym classes.
Oh nice, I hope you'll have a great time in them. Anyone in those classes you've had the chance to talk to/work with?
>No voicetraining classes, unfortunately.
I feel like this would help a fair share of people actually, even if online.
>>44941989
Oh I see! That's nifty actually, and.. oh Lord, yeah especially that last point would definitely have made me quit that class as well. Ew. Don't hesitate to share your experiences with the language here.
>>44943794
>That stuff keeps you busy I think.
They do tend to, absolutely. Is there something particular you feel drawn to? Maybe something you used to do in the past?
>>44950692
>Not planning to.
Perfect!
>My body has kind of a natural cycle of shifting the time
Yeah, it's also not uncommon, to my knowledge some people have an internal clock that is closer to 25 than 24 hours for example, and that puts them at a natural disadvantage.
>"forget" to take the meds.
hm, what leads you to "forget" your meds? Is it sometimes just inconvenient to go to bed at your target time so you try to stay up longer? Or something else
>It's about introversion.
Interesting, looking into the book a bit the general cadence of what it says mirrors personal experiences.
>I have a ton of socks, so I always use up all of them and then wash all of them at once
For that reason I have more or less only bought exact copies of one brand and kind of black sock, this way I don't have to keep pairs, which saves some energy.
>I have to clean some of the remains of other peoples' detergent every time
Oh yes, shared washing machines suffer the public toilet issue of everyone's problem being nobody's problem. Also people use too much damn detergent in general, dishwashers are another example.

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That is all I can muster tonight.
>>44954307
>>44954544
>Oh my fucking god, it just clicked. It's ALIENATION!!
I'm so happy trying to articulate it made it click, you basically used the thread for rubber ducking!
>I feel so fucking alienated from the people around me and even the country I live in, from my surroundings, from the culture, etc
Want to expand on this? With more concrete examples we might be able to help you a little better!
>>44957083
>>44962125
>I cannot just drain other people's empathy and patience on me.
You mentioned BPD, do you have a diagnosis or is it more a matter of you finding the experiences of people/described patterns to match yours? The fact that setbacks cause you downright physical pain definitely is a tell that you might need to have things looked into by a pro if you haven't.
>external circumstances would almost always arrive
Hm, what kind of circumstances? I ask because a lot of life circumstances change with age, for example eventually people settle down, so losing people because they moved for education/career reasons becomes less of an issue with age.
>They seem cheap in paper but turns out quite expensive
Hm, apart from salads I am trying to think what you might enjoy. It should be economical, and ideally quite filling I suppose?
>zero-calorie water flavorings
A lot of the time these sorts of things often bullshit about the recommended serving sizes, the same is true for concentrated syrups (for sodastreams and the like).
>I also sometimes bait or seek attention from people
Hm, with friends you mean? And you sometimes find yourself going too far?
>>44961627
Don't beat yourself up too much about it, I 100% empathize with anger manifesting like that in moments of no control. You sound emotionally exhausted. Would you perhaps like to talk about what exhausts you?

>>44672173
Still writing the wall reply... just very slowly.

>>44982251
>Perfect!
Actually feeling like I'm able to become a person I'd be content with being.
>"forget" your meds
Mostly having been too occupied trying to balance my sleep cycle and work hours. So I almost always just head straight to work in the morning instead of getting a new prescription, otherwise I'd fall behind on work hours.
>Quiet!
It does, but goes beyond that, like cultural influences/perception and how introverts can change a few things to make life easier.
>socks
It's not the different kinds of socks, just the total amount and thus time required in comparison to shirts for example.
>too much detergent
And perfume. Especially in confined or badly ventilated spaces. Reason why I loathe being dependent on public transportation.

pg6 paw :3
reporting back for my duty :3

pg7 paw :3

Good night

p7

Bump

today marks 2 years on hrt. I started pio the other day. maybe one day I can actually live and look like a woman

>>44986903
I hope so too

I want a mommy to hold me.

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Hi /sig/, Panty here. Got a pedicure on Monday, and vacuumed the house little by little over the last couple of days. I’ve roasted some veggies and marinated some tofu, so today I should be able to make some sweet potato chili and mango stir fry.

Also, since I’m already in the habit of making three kinds of Asian-style sandos (strawberry, tuna salad and egg salad), it occurred to me that I could make simple bento-like meals by just putting one of each into the same container.

I seem to be on the other side of medication withdrawal insomnia. There’s room for improvement yet, but I can tell I’ve let go of a lot of anxiety and stress about sleeping that I needed to deal with, and prescription sleep aids were just covering up.

>>44988131
There are ways to scratch that itch in the short term. You could get a body pillow and a weighted blanket if you haven’t already. Even that can be good for your mental health. Also, see if there are any BDSM events in your area.

i'm french, so i did some crepe, and tomorrow i will give them with some friends to the students in support of the blockade, i probably will occupy my uni to !!!! very happy to do so because usually i'm just to shy to do it and only go to riot and protest !

>>44989036
hell yeah!! good luck ^-^

pg7 paw :3

>>44990870
meow?

Eating healthier is so hard, and not for the reason you'd think. Stuff like beans and rice makes me feel full way too quickly and I'm afraid I'm not getting enough calories that way...

Good night

>>44992887
Offhand, my advice would be to offset nutritionally dense ingredients with veggies that have higher water content like zucchinis, bell peppers, carrots, etc.

>>44992779
mreaow :3

pg6

Life is unfair.

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>>44980633
I will be going to sleep very soon.

I have many things on my mind but I will divulge everything I can during the weekend.

I am slowly but surely taking more control of myself and my life.

I wish you all the very best, thank you for the support.
A special thank you to Siganon, especially so.

pg7 paw :3

Did laundry and collected returnable bottles into a bag, yay!

>>44994573
>Malcolm!

>>44997037
Huzzah indeed!

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>>44962688
Hope you found the knife and got rid of the boxes, but holy hell I am sorry to hear about your roommate.
>Why are some people so shit?
I have no idea that is some really despicable stunt to pull.
>>44965261
Doing my best, thank you Anon!
>>44967912
>i think i just want someone to give me a specific routine to follow
I can help you with dieting stuff, as for exercise, would gymgoing be in budget for you?
>>44968709
>Fairly limited for "actively knowing."
That is likely not helping but before I conjecture too much I wonder: did the characters you fell for have something in common? Have you perhaps struggled with isolation, do you find it a safer/more approachable outlet perhaps?
>>44968733
Very good that you got yourself a list going, I wouldn't want you to overwhelm yourself though, it runs the risk of paralyzing you. Which steps have you started so far?

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>>44977123
I'm glad to hear you found good support groups like that!
>How has your support system been?
Friends and loved ones, really. My last surviving relative is not someone I can truly confide in, and to everyone else she was basically a stranger. It's a difficult feeling, but I did make progress of my own.
I think the only thing I get to do during her birthday is call said relative and comfort *her*. Afterwards I will probably take the rest of the day off and spend it with loved ones. I can't truly say I had time to process. I think that time will come next year, as I settle down.
>>44977269
>fuck this i'm just gonna sleep.
I hope you had a good night's rest, Anon. How do you feel now?
>>44980663
Wishing you all the best for your fitness and shopping goals! As for locktober, i completely forgot about that trend, hope it will be an enjoyable time.
>>44980774
>Transitioning didnt matter it wasnt for me I made just an other mistake like my time in uni and all my exes
A mistake in what way? And what do you regret about your time in uni?
>>44982972
Literally all the time that you need, I very much appreciate you keeping the link to the OG replies.
>head straight to work in the morning instead of getting a new prescription, otherwise I'd fall behind on work hours.
Ahh, it's a scheduling issue, that sucks.
>how introverts can change a few things to make life easier.
Oh? Would you perhaps recommend it as a candidate for /sig/ resource books? Could you give an example?
>the total amount and thus time required in comparison to shirts for example.
Ahh, I get it! And as for the perfume thing, I will never forget a bachelor student whose homework I had to grade and it was in a clear filing sleeve. So far so good. I pull it out and it was absolutely SATURATED in perfume. It stank up my entire office until I finished grading it and put it back. What an experience that was.

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Alright, rest time.
>>44916724
>44918505
>44928176
>44971921
>>44972037
>>44975338
>>44979632
>split up into 3 hours each due to training under someone else.
Huh, that does not sound amazingly organized.
>I feel awful for not being able to provide enough support.
sig airlines reminds you to make sure your own oxygen mask is fastened before helping others. Your mom deserves better but make sure not to burn yourself out looking for side gigs when you first need a permanent income for yourself.
>I hope you are doing well.
I'm doing alright, today was not amazing but I manage.
>I will see how things progress.
I look forward to it.
>Mostly yes.
Damn it.
>I dread my birthday a lot of the time
Oh? Bad history of some sort?
>I will and I did.
I'm elated to hear that, by the way
>I freeze up at the sheer size of the project, the difficulty and the fact that I am so far behind my peers in tech and career prospects
Hm, in other words you get overwhelmed because you do the equivalent of looking down while climbing up a ladder. I empathize with that, it's really difficult not to in the beginning.
>I am looking at Cybersecurity and general software development for now.
I know who to ask about that, ping me again in the coming days.
>I am mainly trying to develop skills to help me survive in tech for the next few years.
>Or at least make some good money.
Ah shit, I am too far away from that job market to give concrete advice there.
>>44986385
Literally nothing wrong with that, if you want we can even help you with diet stuff.

God bless twinks.

Rather embarrassing, but how do I get better at remembering to brush my teeth? After years of neglecting my teeth and just going straight to bed or waking up without ever brushing them, habits are hard to break and I want to change because I have 16 cavities.

>>44997847
>knife
It just ceased from existence.

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Tapping back in with the diet because I gained some weight after surgery. Current target is gonna be dropping 8kg.
I figured out some makeup stuff last week (well, before I went on shifts anyway), never realized how much eyelash extensions would do for me.
Move out plans are going along as well so I might actually be a functional adult soon.

It's really hard to describe and idk if I mentioned it but I changed my HRT to 150mcg patches and Synarel maybe a month back (related to the long term Army plans stuff) and I'm fairly sure my T is not adequately suppressed and my E is low because my headspace has gone back to like pre-HRT state. I should probably get it tested.
>>44965802
>That sounds like an amount of overtime that is not long term sustainable
If you want an example of how bad it's been I've been on nightshifts the last 4 days and pulled 2 13 hour days and then a 14 hour day on my last shift. And I'm going to be on nightshifts for the rest of the month. It's kind of my own fault, I stayed late yesterday (for example) because I couldn't stand leaving our production lines/operators without engineering support and not running.
>So many sufficiently like minded, reasonable people.
I think the problem is I genuinely don't think I could find anyone else like me, the closest I know is (for obvious reasons) my brother but he's not trans or anything.
I don't know how to word it well but I find people are either not driven enough or they take everything far too seriously. It's like I have this very spectrum kind of humour, socialisation, etc but then when I hang around with people who share that they always have an excuse for not getting on with things (work NB for example is a chronic procrastinator). And when I'm around like NT cis people it's always that I'm too trans (if I was openly trans to them anyway), too weird, too off to fit in properly.

>>44980633
Any advice for managing your intrusive thoughts and regrets on a day-to-day basis?

It's hard to focus at times when I keep reminding myself of my failures, without being able to fix them in the moment.

>>44997853
My latest permanent contract will now be:
>Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays
>Roughly 4hours each day

Still reasonable enough, good room for adjustments.
I don't think I have the strength for 12hour shifts anytime soon.
I need to get my act together.

Trying to adjust my water intake because apparently I've been massively overhydrating
Not needing to pee what is essentially pure water every 30 minutes is ostensibly nice but it freaks me out after being so used to it

>>44982497
>>I cannot just drain other people's empathy and patience on me.
>You mentioned BPD, do you have a diagnosis or is it more a matter of you finding the experiences of people/described patterns to match yours? The fact that setbacks cause you downright physical pain definitely is a tell that you might need to have things looked into by a pro if you haven't.
i think because this board made BPD fashionable and I can see some of the symptoms on me but also couple other days, someone said i might have signs of bipolar
Yeah I am budgeting to see a pro in two months from now
>>external circumstances would almost always arrive
>Hm, what kind of circumstances? I ask because a lot of life circumstances change with age, for example eventually people settle down, so losing people because they moved for education/career reasons becomes less of an issue with age.
Couple examples:
dropping out multiple times while friends found their footing in life or went abroad
or how about getting manhunted the entire country and have to cut my friends of out of concern of further harassment (well the harassment was reported to me by them) by people who had that manhunt on me, and they say blood is thicker than water...
>>They seem cheap in paper but turns out quite expensive
>Hm, apart from salads I am trying to think what you might enjoy. It should be economical, and ideally quite filling I suppose?
maybe vegetable soups but i am sick and cannot really look up how to cook them.
>>zero-calorie water flavorings
>A lot of the time these sorts of things often bullshit about the recommended serving sizes, the same is true for concentrated syrups (for sodastreams and the like).
i wish because that would seem expensive on paper but maybe cheaper in the long run rather than hitting the corner store for some UPF food, if i can train my brain to subsist on zero calorie water flavorings that is

>>44982497
>>I also sometimes bait or seek attention from people
>Hm, with friends you mean? And you sometimes find yourself going too far?
yeah, i don't know, baiting attention out of them kinda scratches a need i have. I try to control myself not to get overboard, but i fear sometimes that's not enough.

Good night

pg6 paw :3 goodnight /sig/ <3

I feel sick.

>>44997853
>sig airlines reminds you to make sure your own oxygen mask is fastened before helping others
>Your mom deserves better
I feel very sorry for her.

>but make sure not to burn yourself out looking for side gigs when you first need a permanent income for yourself
I will do my best there.
I need to get my sleep under control for sure.

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Page 9

>>44997847
>did the characters you fell for have something in common?
I think what they have in common is they're mostly intelligent or strong-minded. Especially for female characters, it's physical strength too. Like Moenbryda (FFXIV).
Possibly stems from a lack of safety and someone who can take on a mentor/protector role due to DV in my childhood and, later in my teens, neglect with poverty and lots of (self-imposed) isolation in addition. Thus I could never let a not-"strong" me shine through and every weakness or major deviation from the norm was an attack vector.

>>44997849
>all the time that you need
:3
>Quiet!
I'd recommend it to anyone to read, no matter the personality, because it would contribute to more understanding for each other.
"You may be so busy to appear like a zestful, reward-sensitive extrovert that you undervalue your own talents, or feel underestimated by those around you."
About getting a (new) job: "Will this job allow me to spend time on in-character activities like, for example, reading, strategizing, writing and researching? Will I have a private workspace or be subject to the constant demands of an open office plan? If the job doesn't give me enough restorative niches, will I have enough free time on evenings and weekends to grant them to myself?"

pg5 paw :3

I feel like vomiting when I think about my life.

>>45005399
Me too.

>>44997849
>A mistake in what way?
it wasnt for me. I just dont have w/e qualia that transwomen have that allows them to be authentically women and themselves
I cant even stay consistent in my hrt. I thinka t tis point i count as detrans, statistically. I think my hair is thinning too. Oh well. Death is all that i have to look forwards to, and simple lustful/sinful indulgences until then, allowed by my meager wage. Oh and well cant kms before mom
>And what do you regret about your time in uni?
I spend ~10 years thinking I had to finish it when it was obvious form the start i simply didnt have it in me to finish anything. I work dead end retail now and for the rest of my life.

Last day of work for the week.
I'll be able to follow up on previous replies and do a small update tomorrow hopefully.

I also have a few things I want to vent about, but I will be more composed about it this time.

>>44997853
>I'm doing alright, today was not amazing but I manage
I am glad to hear that, sorry about what you have to deal with.

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>>44980633
how the fuck do i learn makeup i need to lock in theres a million tutorials and idk where to actually start

>>44998687
Some things I recommend: First of all, get some gum that’s good for dental health like Dentyne. Long term, you need to brush and floss more often, but chewing gum that’s good for your teeth in the meantime might be an easier place to start, and buy you some time to build those other habits.

Get a tooth brushing timer of some kind, to make sure that when you do brush your teeth, you’re doing it for two minutes. Get an electric toothbrush. It’s not essential, but they aren’t that expensive and they make it easier to brush your teeth properly when you do.

Finally, get some kind of floss pick product. It makes flossing much easier for me. Keep in mind that good flossing isn’t just going back and forth between your teeth at the base of your gums, you should also be pulling the floss up and down against the edges of your teeth.

See what’s getting in the way of you going into the bathroom to brush your teeth. Like if the place where you’re theoretically supposed to brush your teeth is dirty, or crowded, or requires more forethought, find a new place to brush your teeth. Use a kitchen sink instead of a bathroom sink, use a bucket instead of a sink. Whatever gets you brushing your teeth more often is what you should do.

It might also help to start keeping a record of when you brush your teeth. You might be underestimating how long you go without brushing your teeth.

Getting cavities as an adult can be embarrassing, but you can absolutely save yourself some avoidable suffering if you start taking better care of your teeth now.

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>>44999621
Something that helped me recently is to think of intrusive thoughts and flashbacks like that as things that are triggered by your experiences in the present. Reframe the situation as not being about what you remembered and just being about what made you start thinking of it currently.

This mental process of memories being triggered by some related perception of a threat is like a maladapted version of survival instincts. Our ancestors would notice the approach of a wild animal that could hurt them and instantly start remembering the do’s and don’ts of getting away from it, and their bodies primed for action. You’re afraid of abstract things that you don’t need to outrun or scared away, so fight or flight doesn’t help, that’s basically what’s going on.

It’s like, something made you itch, dwelling on those thoughts are like scratching that itch. If you scratch an itch it stops itching for a time, but that keeps it from healing in the long run.

>>44980633
Anybody else trying to quite being a dopamine junkie?

I can feel it killing me.

>>45006778
I really should be flossing more.

I've been taking my vitamin D lately and it seems to make me feel better. Winter is coming and I don't go outside nearly enough anyway.

>>45008061
Good idea.

i wish it was easy to talk to people and make friends :((

Good night

>>45009424
nightynight

>p8
Time to get ready to visit family... dreading it, but it is what it is.

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Just came back from a weekend watercolour workshop, my first social occasion in the last two years (last five years or so if we don't count work). It was nice to talk to someone outside of family & psychs for once. It's just so weird coming back into the normal world after, like, 10 years of 4chan-only. I'm happy and also a little sad. I'm not sure if I want to be part of the real world anymore. It all seems so... desolate. Maybe I'm just being melancholic idk

>>44982497
>Want to expand on this?
I just spent so much time in weird online spaces, I sometimes feel like I don't have a common denominator with other people anymore. It's like the "my feet are cold" meme. I'm not socially incompetent, but dad says I spent my entire life in an ivory tower. I guess he's right about that and I don't know if I want to change it anymore. IDK

pic unrelated

>>45010671
I wish you the best.

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>>44980633
My next update will come tomorrow, so that I can catch up on my sleep.

I wish you all the best, I have a lot of ground to cover soon.

pg7 paw :3

>>45012907
Thanks, kitty.

plane spotting and smoking with assignments kinda saturday, not too bad :D

>>4498836
So not really a positive update, I met someone on Tindr, but everything went wrong. At first, it was okay it felt great talking to him it starting to change when he called me cute because it was different never really had that happen at the time I was a bit weirded out, but we started talking and talking and eventually we talked to each other on the phone and I really liked his voice and the nerdy things, but I was a bit zoning out, not paying attention, and questioning if I liked him as a friend or if it was more. It all ended because I just wasn’t attracted he sent me a picture of himself and it was a better picture from all of his tindr photos and I was like this guy is handsome, but once we video called I just wasn’t attracted and I felt so bad because it’s like I wasted his time and that I just wasn’t attracted to him and it we said goodbye.

This happened last week and I just feel like maybe I’m not ready for a relationship. Recently I started talking to someone else in tindr and addressed I just want to be friends when they were showing attraction to me when I didn’t. However, I recently thought that maybe I should quit all communications without telling them because I just felt a little uncomfortable, but it wasn’t really much and it today I just said no that i’m not going to ghost them and communicate more directly and if nothing clicks I will tell them to straight that I don’t feel a connection. The issue is I that I even considered that in the first place I already ghosted someone once and it felt terrible and here I am about to do it again over nothing. I feel so ashamed that I even considered that.

Another issue is I got really mad at my dog and hit him because he was escaping to see a girl dog in there’s nothing wrong with that, but animal control come and give me a note and it said that he was destroying things, shitting on peoples’ lawns, and killing cats.

>>45014410
He escaped again because I let my dog off the collar because I didn’t want him to be chained up in one spot for the entire day where he gets stuck in the sun. I just was angry when he escape like please just listen to me and after I brought him in I called my dad to tell him that he escaped and that we should get another leash so he can be in leashed elsewhere where there is no sun and more shade because it was getting hot. He did and now it’s more better for him since he gets to have a spot with more shade, but I really just hit him out of anger and I know he will never learn anything from that and I don’t want to hurt him.

My driving test is coming up this Tuesday and I plan to drive around town where the driving test is going to be and I came to stay with my brother, but he doesn’t want to take me so I decided that I am going to drive myself around here myself so I can practice around here. I told my dad that I am coming back home on Monday and that if it’s okay if I drive myself back alone and he said yes. Sorry about not having any good news since last time but my goal hasn’t changed pass the test, get a job, and get therapy and hopefully if I need any get prescribed on medication to help me.

pg7 paw :3

paw 6 page :3

Good night

paw :3 pg5

God, I know I am not a great person yet.

But help please.

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>>44980633
Update?:
>my father wants to buy this rental we are living in here in Australia
>my adopted sibling, the one who assaulted and betrayed my mother is living with my father's family, routinely going out on trips and drinking

>my father sees fit to provide for the lifestyle of his family and the adopted sibling that betrayed us
>but will constantly complain about us having to spend money or having to ask for money from him

>my father complains about my biological sibling stagnating in life
>when most of his actions and his very negative attitude towards things makes it hard for them to see a way forward with life

>my biological sibling is planning to go overseas with their partner one day in 2027

>my mother's health is not doing very well and she has to deal with many tasks and problems due to having even less support now

In general I am very frustrated and upset at life, at my father and especially at myself for not being able to help with the situation.
I'm trying to overcome my procrastination, my craving for distractions and my constant daydreaming.

I want/need to be a better and stronger person so that I can stand with my mother and my sibling.
So that we can have a life for ourselves in 2028.

I never want to have to ask my father for help again, he's going to ruin his own life one day and I can't let us be there when it happens.

I hate myself so much, but I will force myself to keep going forward.

>>45009424
gnight

pg8 paw :3

pg paw 8 :3

pg8 paw :3

>>45017203
pray harder

Real talk how do I beat the malebrain.

I feel that if I get a job I will have all of my problems solved
It's so scary but I think I'll try to apply by the end of this week

Good night

>>44997853
>Oh? Bad history of some sort?
Sort of.
I always get pretty sad and wistful on my birthdays, even when my family puts in a lot of effort to make them special.

I always dreaded my birthdays, because it's always an indicator of me getting older and less accomplished as the Earth keeps spinning.
Time is running out for me to become a real person.

At 26, I am nothing close to the person I wanted to be.

And part of it is circumstances but I have come to the horrifying to realization that I have been sabatoging my own development for the past 3 to 4 years.

It's been a very painful ful and embarrassing experience, in addition to all the other pressures in my life from family and reality.

I did part of this to myself, but it still hurts.
I just wanna be good.

I really hate how you get wildly different posts when it comes to estrogen gel
Some people say to spread it over a large area, others say to concentrate it on a palm-sized one
Then there's also the topic of switching up where you apply it or that doing it in the same place over and over is fine
Why is this all so confusing

pg7 paw :3

pg7

>>44997853
>Hm, in other words you get overwhelmed because you do the equivalent of looking down while climbing up a ladder
Yes, the scope and complexity makes me freak out.

>I empathize with that, it's really difficult not to in the beginning
Thank you.

>I know who to ask about that, ping me again in the coming days
Uhm.
*PING*

I would appreciate the guidance very much so, thank you.

holy save pg9 paw :3

Bump

another update after quite some time but went out for a walk with frens today. the weather is so nice!! i guess they were right, touching grass helps.
not much progress on any other front unfortunately, fortunately did not gain any weight so fixing my shit is on track (slightly delayed). socializing has been hard, i should probably find things to do outside of classes and grocery runs to actually meet people. but idk brain just disagrees and when i have the time i cant leave my room ;-; but i'll get there eventually (hopefully). anyways that's all for today.
as always ly all /sig/mas <3 sending virtual hugs ⊂((・▽・))⊃

pg6 paw :3

page7 paw :3

Good night

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Post phone IP address for free surgery
I'm the surgery wizard

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>>44989005
Panty here, time to stop putting off my next post. I did get the sweet potato chili and mango stir fry done. I actually cut myself cooking one day and emotionally felt up to finishing the job once I got myself bandaged up. I’m used to being too upset to continue after a setback like that, so I’m definitely becoming more emotionally resilient.

Still need to make those sandos but that’s tomorrow hopefully.

I bought this metal cabinet for my bedroom to get my space a little more organized and less visually cluttered. The toolbox is full of like office supplies and stim toys. The grey thing is the lockbox for my phone and TV remote.

I chose metal (and toolbox) because it seemed like the cheapest but sturdiest option, I can always get something more aesthetic later. Maybe I could get a jewelry box? I also thought about getting some magnets or stickers for the cabinet. Feel free to suggest cuntier alternative furniture, I’m all for a longer term game plan, but I’m glad I started containing the chaos.

I went to a thrift store and found a sealed DVD that was consistently selling on eBay for a chunk of change. Bought it for $2 and sold it for $40 plus shipping within hours. Gratifying to know I’m learning something about flipping collectibles, since lately I’ve been clearing out some bad “investments” of that sort.

>>45033125
no

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>>45006003
Follow up to this
I have since given up and accepted that my life is simply the way it is and thats ok
There is nothing else to my life and that’s ok
I want to simply work eat play and repeat everyday
Decent food, easy job, exciting bread and circus. Thats all I ever needed, wanted or had. All the other complicated ba… why bother? Not worth the effort. Life is livable as I am
I am accepting that. I have finished self improving.
checkmate

pg7

>>45034188
Pretty angel.

pg7paw:3

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Wishing you all the best, I am very tired so I will just be going to sleep now.

Will follow up again as soon a possible.

pg7 paw :3

>>44980633
does anyone know of any resources for pretrannies like myself?
i know there's voice training and whatever but what i want is some advice on the physical stuff
(exercise diet ect)
i've been trying to get my shit together recently and i think it's kinda wrecked me emotionally with anxiety
i just feel like i'm on the verge of a really large panic attack at all times but it won't come but that's getting offtrack
thank you

pg7 law :3

>>45000693
I cannot believe how well this is working. I've been more prudently hydrating (which actually means drinking less, and with more occasional electrolytes) and training myself to not run to the bathroom at the slightest sensation, and it feels amazing. It doesn't feel like a chore that I partially fear anymore.

pg8 paw :3

Good night

>>45040726
night

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been looking at moving from my decade old dual core to a more recent thinkpad, did $400 on one base only for the seller to send me one that is basically new, but had been dropped on its corner, deforming the plastic on both chassis pieces, and preventing the lid from shutting properly. A severe defect that was probably fixable with a hair dryer and a file, which is the best type. Worst case scenario a full teardown.

Meanwhile I failed at negotiations and they wouldn't cut it down to a good price for a parts machine. The infuriating thing, was seeing a much much cheaper listing from a real person rather than a recycler, after i had bought this one, but before it had arrived, and deciding not to buy it because it I thought it was morally wrong and environmentally harmful to have buyers remorse and send shit back

now i just feel screwed, the market on these thinkpads are so brutal right now its insane. nothing at a proper price stays for more than an hour. I'm willing to rebuild the whole thing, putting in the nice keyboard, the low power screen, max memory, thermal pcm, the motherboard is being liquidated by lenovo right now for dirt cheap if I needed a frankenbuild, and there's not even cheap for-parts listings that stay very long. what a big fat headache. I don't even have full srgb coverage rn, I was very enthused for an upgrade, to be finally able to pimp out my machine instead of the weight compromise I had to prioritize in the past, when I was under the tyranny of hauling it daily. I'm looking at finally having an 8 core machine, as another coming of jesus, so i guess i am just another deranged thinkpad enthusiast, but holy shit, it was not $800 for a giga nice half-decade old used flagship workstation in the past. (assuming my time is also free)

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the schoolwork demands better, the webdevs are cooking my current machine. I carry a second ewaste machine to run ArcGIS now and play lecture vids in the background. I feel like a hack cause I don't study very hard but I do fine. And by fine, means its still on the perfect GPA trajectory, so I guess last year wasn't a fluke. but its a little mind-boggling. since I had to compile my schedule in a rush, I had the most frankenstein schedule with late-start and compressed classes, from five different colleges (only two need my physical presence), all aligning to overlap during a 3 week period, and the workload lessens after this week, I'm glad I survived. I'm having fun still-- taxpayers are subsidizing the field biology camping trips and I still get rigorous credit for it. Actually, by aiming at all the subsidized field trip courses, across multiple campuses, I find ways to get outside in this glorious state without paying the hefty car tax. And if it goes as planned, I'm accidentally qualifying for an associates in the natural sciences because of this. Nothing like spending other people's money.

I've had a deep dive into tax credits and financial aid and it seems like I can't get the government to foot the bill on this one. my family has the money but it still just really hurts to spend anything I didn't earn (is my time free?). So I've still been lusting after nice things I've had in mind for months but fear buying. They range from the silly of a nice thermos, to the complicated of how would I measure for a custom fit, pleated and gusseted, hiking linen shirt, keeping that pesky sun and heat off me, while passing? Flying in a manner that resembles hang gliding has been a reoccurring aspect in my dreams for many years, and the rare park is nearby, the lessons are not cheap, and I want my bf to come fly too....

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It has been fun, camping in field bio, a very diverse cast of people, including of ages, who for the most part were enjoyable and restored some of my faith in humanity. One of them recognized me from high school, and he was able to put me back into contact with some people I had known for 6 years in my youth. On the other hand, there was interpersonal conflict too. I feel that there always will be, between my personality, and certain other personality types. I think it is inseparable from the personality required to do well in the reality of my field.

It is just another grim reminder of the personal importance of the sanctuary of the college I aim for, which hopefully is as real as it appears. It is still scary, because I have one reasonably viable target, and while I have been jerking off over my course strategy and literary masterpieces, it's still a SPOF, and it's just so hard to believe that an accessible sanctuary for my sort of mind exists. I have been using Gemini to study my writings and mind, and as it has been quietly degraded, it gets more lonely, and I get more drunk.

The incidents at camp reminded me of all the times I had been threatened or abused. About every time I can recall, it has been a teacher of some sort, on the taxpayer dime. Even in Canada, on the train, I was threatened by a fat lady who claimed to be a schoolteacher-- a horrific pattern of fat female abuser teachers, which was what happened on this trip again, though she was a student in this class. Maybe it is some sort of mental illness medication they are on which makes them fat, because it has happened too many times now for coincidence. I think it's the totalitarian personality combined with selfishness and/or retardation, which also fits the profiles of NIMBYs.

that is my life at present, grinding, anxiously circling around money and worthfulness, and inspecting the sheer difficulties of my specific mind, its speculative usefulness, and its moral obligation.

p8

Not sure what exactly has brought me back to the boards, it could just be something like muscle memory since my head's all fucked up, but I saw sig again and figured saying hi here was as good as anywhere

Wishing good things for you all, and I hope you're doing well siganon

GOTT: Just going to make some tea for now because I'm freezing and have a lot to get done today. We'll see what happens later. I have to clean stuff up around our place too, eugh.

>>45033396
Proud of you :)

I'd definitely recommend a jewelry box, but I just have a small one. Cute furniture is getting really hard to find though, do you have any specific colors or styles you prefer? Or an overall vibe that you like for a room?

Does anyone know a good skincare guide?

>>44997853
>Ah shit, I am too far away from that job market to give concrete advice there
That's all good really, I appreciate all the help so far.

I'm not as attached to my education or interests anymore due to circumstances, I just want to make enough money to facilitate a decent lifestyle for me and my family.
Tech and remote work seem the fastest way right now.

If you find any crucial knowledge on making reliable online money, that would be a game changer for me.

>>45033125
I dont even

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>>45043376
So it looks like the prettier version of the toolbox I have would be a makeup train case, although I was thinking about getting some hot pink stick-on wallpaper and putting that on the toolbox.

The vibe I’m after is something Y2K/ Paris Hilton-y, just because that’s what cool and confident looked like when I was at an impressionable age. Also my bedroom walls are cream so dark red, gold and hot pink would balance well with them.

>>45044298
Well, I don’t know if cream is the word, but you can see the color of my bedroom walls in the pic here, definitely a neutral white. >>45033396

>>45044298
I'm not sure about the stick-on wallpaper just because I've never personally used it, but that sounds reasonable enough and I like the idea! You might want an accent color (like even just silver) to balance with the toolbox so it's not ALL the wallpaper color/pattern, I'm thinking like the bottom left of your pic.

For what you want overall, I think trying to find ways to DIY and modify pieces of the decor will be really helpful. Obviously a generic version of almost anything is available online, but it seems like you'd be happiest with how it's all put together if you just made some of the decor yourself and modified imperfect pieces to fit. Makes for a good hobby to keep the worms at bay, too.

And don't forget that secondhand items are your friend :)

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>>45044870
I’ll see if I can find some stick-on covering that’s good for metal. And I was thinking I would leave the stainless steel parts on the toolbox uncovered for some contrast, but I appreciate the advice all the same.

I want to make my bedroom as comfortable as possible because I spend a lot of time in it. I’ve made progress on organizing it and keeping it clean, so now I need to put some time into decorating it.

I’m also focusing on furniture and decorations I can take with me so I can take more of that progress with me whenever I move next.

Also, cooking update, I did make a batch of egg salad and tuna salad yesterday, so now I just need to butter and fry some toasted Brioche. One thing I’ve learned is to butter and fry just one side of the toast at a time, buttering both at the same time can make the toast too soft. And buttering and frying the toast does add savory flavor, but its main purpose is to keep the filling from getting the toast soggy.

>>45045130
That sounds like it would work nicely! I'll look forward to the update. The organization is a big deal though, I still need to get more cleaning done today, but I've been getting so bothered by the clutter it makes me want to throw everything away.

I'll insist one more time on the DIY aspect only because then you'd end up being able to take your supplies to change up new pieces after you get moved, might help to get a new place situated and filled out. I hope you're able to find some stuff

Egg salad sounds great right now, but agreed on your method of bread frying, you end up with all the grease in the middle of the bread instead of crisping up the bottom evenly.

pg8 paw :3

pg9paw:3

Good night

>>45047913
good night, anon, sleep well.

<3

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>>44980633
My father is a nasty person, who will ruin his life and everyone else's for no other reason than he feels like it in the moment.

I am more committed to my family and a real future than ever before.
I WILL be a better person and I will make good money by 2028 at least.

I am going to bed now.
I wish you all the very best, please be safe and take care of yourselves.

Thank you to the kind kitty for keeping the engine roaring.

www.google.com how to cope with anhedonia

pg 7

I have lived poorly...

p8, updates tomorrow.

>>45049536
mreaow :3

>>45053565
thanks

>>45053565
nice

>>45014497
Update: I failed the driving test immediately because I didn’t check the mirrors or did a head turn and I also almost two hit cars so yeah. I was nervous but when the instructor said turn right I did without checking so next time I will do it and also I’m going to say what mirror I’m looking at out loud because I don’t think they can see me checking. I’ve been having thoughts of that neighbor who has shown attraction to me when I was 16 and through these 10 years he still looks at me, but it does seem like it is obsession. I heard that he and the woman broke up I think a while back so I felt a bit of ease, but sometimes when I think of him I get this gut feeling of unease. I know the answer is like no I should not ever try to be with him because at times I was scared of him and I know he gets a bit uneasy when he sees me talking to another guy. I’m pretty sure he already has someone else, but back then I felt like he would be the only person to love me back when I was young because of the severe mental problems I had back in high school. He hasn’t really done nothing like touch me or anything he just tries to be friendly and looks at me. It’s just a mix of emotions of being scared and excited from those 10 years of him and it’s just I wish it wasn’t like this. I just really needed to put this down he’s just been in my head as of late.

>>45003954
based on this image alone there is like a slight chance that I know you, fellow tranner 9larper

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dear sig anon i watche the movie digger at the cinema all by myself even though it was scary and uber is expensive...

Good night
I'm experimenting with different showering routines

>>45056581
Huh?

bump

>>45057704
Thanks, I feel asleep.

>>45053565
Great, thank you, wishing you the very best.

looking into overemployment to try to gather wealth as quickly as possible and be able to buy designer ffs.

the problem is obviously being hired for 2 remote jobs as a software developer when most people can barely get 1.

Parents went on another round of bitching about politics and I kinda snapped this time and went on a rant of my own on how life is fundamentally miserable and not worth living etc. I feel like an asshole but at least I'm not the only asshole I guess

p8

>>44980633
Exhausted from life in general desu but I'm going to a biodiversity conference which should be great so I'm mustering all the strength I can for that and crashing after lol

Good luck to other anons

>>45059854
Goodluck to you too, be safe.

>>44980633
Seriously I'd like a full on guide to skincare in particular, not just moisturizer and sunscreen.

>>45061308
Seconded.

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Alright, gonna get one or two posts going before bed, today was much busier than expected.
>>44986903
>today marks 2 years on hrt. I started pio the other day
That's awesome, actually! I do wish you all the best on that journey.
>>44989036
I hope you weren't jumped by cops, Anon! I'm currently working in France, so I view the things from academic sidelines.
How did it go? Had a galette myself, recently! For the first time in ages, too.
>>44992887
>Stuff like beans and rice makes me feel full way too quickly and I'm afraid I'm not getting enough calories that way...
Oh, very interesting! Small stomach? In that case I would suggest that you drink more. Drinking calories or snacking are valid, and in cases like yours you can even include snacks that cover your micro nutrients.
>>44998687
>Rather embarrassing, but how do I get better at remembering to brush my teeth?
I get it, and I don't find it embarrassing at all. What you need is triggers (see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75d_29QWELk for a brief explanation). Set yourself an alarm and train yourself to brush your teeth when it rings, use a sound unique to brushing teeth if you can help it. It will likely be difficult at the beginning, but the trick is to minimize friction by cleverly choosing the time (choosing one unlikely to interrupt other tasks helps). If timers don't work, you can put an active reminder on your bed to associate going to bed with brushing teeth. Something as stupid as putting the brush on your pillow, "forcing" you to bring it into the bathroom before sleep anyway, can be all it takes.
>>44997037
>Did laundry and collected returnable bottles into a bag, yay!
Awesome, did laundry myself today. The catch was I didn't have the energy to do sig before midnight but I accomplished a fair few things otherwise.

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>>44998781
Oh that fucking sucks. I am very scatterbrained in nature so as a kid and teen I lost so many things, some of which I really cherished too.
>>44998990
All the best for your weight loss goals! I'm glad several things are working out for you at least!
>my headspace has gone back to like pre-HRT state. I should probably get it tested.
Yes, urgently
>And I'm going to be on nightshifts for the rest of the month.
That definitely is not on you, I understand that you don't wanna throw other people under the bus (from your pov), but at the same time if they were it is a failing of management, not you. What an ugly situation. I assume unions are not exactly an option in your line of work?
>I think the problem is I genuinely don't think I could find anyone else like me
Hm, it depends on what kinds of likeness matter to you emotionally, I suppose. In my case I was still highly unusual in many respects, I mean none of my peers would one day have decided to start a general here for example, but interests aligned and many were open to discussions about anything from philosophy to science to various interests that aren't (weren't) as common in the general population.
So you kind of need people with the right flavor of tism and a driven streak. Have you ever met people who got into, for example, math of physics?
>>45000693
>>45039369
Glad to hear it is going well, Anon!

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Ah fuck it all I gotta sleep. More later I hope
>>45000973
>Yeah I am budgeting to see a pro in two months from now
That's perfect, it might help you a great deal having a label to attach to things, because it makes it easier to see how other people with the same label cope.
>dropping out multiple times while friends found their footing in life or went abroad
This (fortunately) will plague you less as you grow older.
>or how about getting manhunted the entire country
Oh? Could you elaborate on this without risking doxxing yourself?
>maybe vegetable soups but i am sick and cannot really look up how to cook them.
If you have a blender, vegetable cream soups can be made from boiling a hard veggie, then blending. This works with squash, potato, carrot and the like. Salt and seasonings (bouillon cubes for minimum effort) make a rich, palatable meal. Garlic goes well, and mixing several is nice too. Using cream and stock instead of milk works. Broccoli is amazing as soup too but should not be boiled (it turns gray and icky), but ideally blanched, steamed or baked.
>if i can train my brain to subsist on zero calorie water flavorings that is
It sounds like an option for you, yes. Though a good diet with a steady caloric intake will do wonders long term too.
>>45000979
>yeah, i don't know, baiting attention out of them kinda scratches a need i have.
>I try to control myself not to get overboard, but i fear sometimes that's not enough.
Frankly, I like to "upset" my loved ones too at times. I do think we could try and talk about potential "do"s and "don't"s there. For example, I like to send people occasional psychic damage content, for example a friend that dislikes, say, anime, some real slice of anime bullshit that crosses the line into comically outrageous. Aiming for a "thanks, I hate it" sort of reaction. In some ways you can be affectionate in these kinds of way too I find.
>>45005399
What things that disgust you in particular?

Hello intersex born trans woman.
> Born with genes that carried my femme to now
> 26
> chubby, 5'3", 6", long hair past shoulders
> narrow shoulders
> thick bottoms

I still get the obvious man hairs that I gotta wax everyday but I wanted to ask if getting hrt would be overkill on me?
I want to point out my preferences, though.
I wanna be fertile as I know some girls Ive met were into knowing that info, even fellow tranners, which is why I like topping and being fertile. Aside from that, that would be my own gripe with hrt.

With that aside, I wanted to know if there is something more I should do? Id love to remove my body hair ofc and other than that I dont have many complains about my looks other than my skin being not very smooth.

Another thing is that I dont like wearing make up, I look rather cute as is with my round face and baggy eyes and I like the novelty of being "natural", but with all of this in mind...
What do you gals think? Am I being overkill about wanting to improve or am i already at a decent state?

I'm getting a headache.

>>45062707
me too, drink some water and get something to snack on if you need it

i NEED to get my brain in order within the next 3 days and study half a semester's worth of uni math BUT I CANT because I'm a pathetic fuck that literally lost the mental skill to lock tf in. all I know how to do is cut arm and distract myself.
i'm fucked arent i

>>45063279
this is your chance now. you've got this. but you do need to get rid of distractions, like this website. this message is your sign to get started as best you can.

>>45056753
Like bar vs liquid soap, different kinds of shampoo, different post-shower hydration methods, different drying methods...

>>45063298
I'm sorry for being dismissive of your advice, but I've been telling myself this for a month, I wish I could I wish I had the willpower to stop my thoughts for a moment, but my own mind can be its own constantly buzzing distraction.
I keep telling myself to put everything down, but when I look at the assignments, I get scared and retreat to the fragile and fake mental safety. No matter how many distractions I lock away I naturally look for the next closest thing all the way up to daydreaming about actually being competent when I'm in a room with nothing but a book and chair

>>45063408
I'm just going to bed so i can do jack shit tomorrow as well, I can't do this, if the thread is still up, I'll see what ended up here

>>45063408
that's reasonable. it sounds like you're having trouble even starting, retreating just while looking at the assignments. in that case I'd suggest just giving starting in 15 minute blocks, time yourself and know that if you don't get anywhere you can take a break. the hardest part is often just starting.

my doctor just retired and i might crash out desu

Good night

>>45058186
Keep us posted, I'm aiming for the same success formula.

Although, I am considering what I can branch out to in place of software.
I gotta think outside the box.

>>45063978
night

pg8

>>45053565
baller

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>>45059854
Went crazy well everyone was so nice and the author I asked for an autograph from gave me an oak sapling from a 600 year old tree

The talks were super interesting and I applied for some volunteer work so a huge success overall :))

how do i find the motivation to get better and actually work on transitionning when the one person that motivated me the most is gone? I know i need to do all those things for myself first, but it all feels very scary, like a mountain of things to do.

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>>45068794
I get this one. I wasted a few years looking for somebody who could make me the person I wanted to be.

What got me moving towards doing that myself was realizing that it’s easier for you to understand what you want and better than another person, and it’s easier to motivate yourself than find another person to motivate you.

You can find tutorials on transition stuff here, other places online, in books. Researching can help you feel ready to start, but it can also be discouraging.

A sappy slogan that I think will help you is “Ready isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice.” Starting imperfectly will help you learn the process. It was after I bought a wig that I realized I needed a wig cap. After the wig cap I realized I needed bobby pins to put up my hair. And so on.

So try something. Do it imperfectly, and through that effort learn how to do it better next time. You’ll waste less time that way than trying to feel sure and ready before you lift a finger.

>>45068937
thanks you. shes the one that got me to stop repping, and i gen wanted to try and better myself for her, but i think i was too reliant on her for that, i need to do my own research and try to figure shit out. just feels a little hard sometimes when i used to have someone around telling me how she loved me as a girl and saw me as one even if i was sa month into hrt lmao

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Alright, I have some posts in the works, I will likely post 3 or 4 now and then a few more again tomorrow.
>>45004612
>I think what they have in common is they're mostly intelligent or strong-minded.
Given what you said I think you are looking for someone who can be your anchor, your rock, if you will. You are looking for someone who can protect you and perhaps ground you emotionally. That is a very particular set of needs that are neither unreasonable nor impossible to find. You are looking for a particular flavor of person.
>:3
I hope my reassurances ease your mind.
>If the job doesn't give me enough restorative niches, will I have enough free time on evenings and weekends to grant them to myself?"
This is actually excellent, and articulates something I often try to express on the subject very well. Thanks for taking the time to transcribe examples, Anon!
>>45006003
>it wasnt for me. I just dont have w/e qualia that transwomen have that allows them to be authentically women and themselves
One thing I have seen time and time again is that a lot of tranners feel this way until they experienced a semblance of congruence for extended periods. I don't know if that makes it worse, to hear that. I don't wanna give you hopium poisoning.
>I cant even stay consistent in my hrt.
Do you know why? As in, what makes it difficult for you. Taking any kind of med reliably requires habituation, which can have many sources of friction.
>I spend ~10 years thinking I had to finish it
I see! I understand the problem, you essentially got stuck and did not pull the breaks for a long while. What did you study?
>>45006084
Sadly not my strong suit but /mtfg/ has a comprehensive introductory guide: https://rentry.org/mtfgskinmakeup
>>45007143
We had a good amount of cases on and off. What exactly do you struggle with?
>>45008061
I should probably at some point add a vitamin D section to the resources. In fact I will probably write up a post dedicated to that next time I catch up.

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>>45017203
I can't provide much more than worldly advice and guidance, but I do hear your pleas at least, could you tell me what it is what you need help with?
>>45009396
Understandable, which part do you struggle with the most? Do you have a place to find people?
>>45010671
I hope it went okayish, Anon!
>>45010769
I'm glad you had an experience like this, Anon! And I hope it will be one of plenty to come.
>It all seems so... desolate. Maybe I'm just being melancholic idk
I suppose it ties into what you said below? Or do you think of broader political things for example?
>I just spent so much time in weird online spaces, I sometimes feel like I don't have a common denominator with other people anymore.
>It's like the "my feet are cold" meme.
This is actually a perfect starting off point where we can try and chisel the amorphous feelings of alienation into concrete interests and (dis)interest. What are the things that interest YOU and what things you have seen others care about did not connect with you? From there we can try to construct bridges.
>>45014045
Glad you've had a great time, how is this weekend treating you?

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>>45014410
I think your reply link got mangled, but I'm sure you meant to link to >>44948836 so it's no big deal!
>>45014497
>>45055458
>I was a bit zoning out, not paying attention, and questioning if I liked him as a friend or if it was more.
>It all ended because I just wasn’t attracted he sent me a picture of himself
And you feel like this was a bad experience, I take it. I think.. reading that, I don't think it is you not being ready for relationships but you not quite having the right mindset and expectations to go about these things. First, the crux with these apps. In my experience, attraction is not always immediate, it can be something that is built. Whether people you meet on dating apps are fine with trying to be friends first depends on the person but extending that offer IS an option you have. Second, based on the experience of most people I know, most dating attempts end in rejection. The default expectation is that it won't work out, a numbers game. You are NOT wasting anybody's time. If they take offense then that is on them not understanding that, not on you. Third, in the same vein, that you went and tried it out, that is a success. It is hard to accept when you would much prefer results, that is the natural reaction, but it is important to remember. First comes "getting comfortable with trying". Only then comes "trying often enough to succeed".
As for your dog, I am sorry to hear it happened. I am sorry to say this but, if what was being said about him having gone around killing cats etc is true it might be a better idea to give him away, in the medium term. I am sorry if that sounds cold, I had a dog myself in my childhood, I understand it's a painful thing to hear. But is it something that is even on the table?
>Sorry about not having any good news
I am very, very proud of you actually. You trying out dating is already good news, as I said. You coming here for advice is good news. You being alive is good news!
(1/2)

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>45014410
>>45014497
>>45055458
2/2
>pass the test,
that is still in the works but you keep on trying and learning from your experiences, that is good! I am rooting for you. The other points surely will follow in due time. I hope my words of encouragement lift you up a little. Regarding your neighbor.. The way you describe it ties into the same kind of tension that makes you hit the dog I think. You seem very flight or fighty. You don't feel safe, do you? It sounds like you struggle to feel at ease, I could swear I observed that in you before.
>>44994615
>>45000326
>>45002406
>45006009
>I wish you all the very best, thank you for the support.
>A special thank you to Siganon, especially so.
Awh, bun..
>I don't think I have the strength for 12hour shifts anytime soon.
Absolutely not. I would not wish those anyone to begin with.
>I will do my best there.
I believe in you, bun. I hope my frequent reminders to take care of yourself first take away some of the feelings of shame/inhibitions you might have regarding that. I will not cease this encouragement.
>I also have a few things I want to vent about
Looking forward to it.
>sorry about what you have to deal with.
Things will be okay, I am working on it.

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>5AM
>P8
Played TNI all night. Damn!

>>45069879
>I hope it went okayish, Anon!
It did. Got some bad news though.

pg7 paw :3

Good night

I wish I could be pretty for a day.

>>45069879
>Glad you've had a great time, how is this weekend treating you?
been pretty nice got done with a midterm on friday, so got an extra free weekend. just relaxing hanging out with some friends and trying not to bedrot as much :D
wbu siganon?

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>>44980633
i type "clutch or rape" every match in counterstrike and it's my teenhood game and i've played 50 hours last two weeks

started using retinol on my body a few times a week. smoked way too much weed for far too long and now my skin is odd. i also probably have ko. maybe it will help with that too. idk if it will do anything though. can't hurt to try

kp not ko

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>>45070090
>Awh, bun..
I really mean it, this place has been one of the few things that keep my mental health stable, despite how terbulant life is becoming.

Thank you for cultivating this environment.

>Absolutely not. I would not wish those anyone to begin with
Me too.

I just don't have the strength or the support/circumstances to handle that workload without having some sort of breakdown.

It's hard enough getting enough sleep as it is.

I don't really see a point in continuing my life. There's no "condition" for my happiness or whatever. I'm always going to be unhappy, no matter what. I really tried to find something or someone to make me happy, but nothing works. I had the career that I wanted, I had a good bf, I went to therapy and took the medication for a decade, I was politically active and I was still so unhappy and depressed that I slept through all of my time outside of work. And now that's all gone, too. Not that it matters. I'm going to turn 29 soon and I'm not turning thirty. I used to think that it'd get better with age, but it didn't. It got worse.

pg7 paw :3

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>>45074265
I’ve felt that way many times.

What you’re doing here is bargaining. “There’s only one thing I want, one thing that will satisfy me, so let me have it.” Dying can’t make you feel better. Dying can’t alleviate suffering.

So you’re unhappy, and you don’t think you can ever really be happy again. Putting aside the possibility that you mistakenly believe you will always feel this way, personal happiness is overrated. There are plenty of other worthwhile pursuits in this life. You don’t need to be happy to make a positive difference. Maybe the problem isn’t that you can’t be happy, but that you haven’t let go of your desire to be happy.

And as for turning 30, the stigma of being over 29 is just patriarchy. Twenty-somethings are easier to manipulate and more fertile (and getting a girl pregnant is another way to manipulate them). Nobody with your best interests at heart is going to care that you’re in your 30s.

I hope this helps, and hits differently than me just saying some form of “It gets better.”

>>45075371
pspsps

Why does everything hurt now?

>>45075496
I'm firmly National Socialist, so begone with your misandrist garbage. You will always be a breeding sow, retarded goy cunt

>>45075844
mreaow :3
(pg6)

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A few late night posts, more tomorrow.
>>45023092
I feel like any response I could give would be rather skewed since most women I knew were male brained to some extent (STEM background, academically oriented mother,..) tell me what in particular you had in mind asking, though!
>>45024210
>estrogen gel
To my very limited understanding topical applications like this are simply incredibly more difficult to work with. The margin of error is higher for dosage, absorption and such. And so outside of a controlled environment I am sure a lot of the conflicting answers stem from the lack of reproducible parameters, basically. Why are you looking for gel in particular? I assume to avoid the digestive tract?
>>45030347
I'm happy to hear you are still fostering your connections with people.
>things to do outside of classes and grocery runs to actually meet people.
Out of the people you met in class, are there any particular ones you might wanna hang out with more? Also, have I asked this before perhaps? Rooting for you, as always.
>>45033125
If you are looking for people to borrow spare organs from, I have a handful of boards to suggest that you might do everyone on 4chan a favor selecting your clientele from, none of which are this one.
>>45037945
>does anyone know of any resources for pretrannies like myself?
I believe /mtfg/ used to have a getting started pastebin to that effect, have you checked it yet?
>(exercise diet ect)
We do have a book with a focus on what iirc is described as butt shaping exercises. We also can help you with weight loss and gain, and basic nutrition.
>on the verge of a really large panic attack at all times
In that case the most important thing is not to overwhelm yourself tackling too much at once! Slow, sustainable change is better than rapid change that collapses onto itself.

>>45062199
>>dropping out multiple times while friends found their footing in life or went abroad
>This (fortunately) will plague you less as you grow older.
idk, is it just a perverse thoughts to wish that your outcome of your effort land in the median instead of constantly being left-tailed?
i feel like that I have to compensate so much to catch up and i know people would just say on the line of "it's ok hon, life isn't meant to be predictable" but it's very underwhelming for me, I just want to go straight being in the, at least median. or maybe I want to overcompensate to be at least +1σ or +2σ or even +3σ on my life outcome.
Sadly knowing my circumstances, it's very unlikely that i would even manage to fix my life. I know "comparison thief of joy" but i don't even feel joy even if i don't compare, so i don't know why shouldn't i compare my life with others.
>>or how about getting manhunted the entire country
>Oh? Could you elaborate on this without risking doxxing yourself?
basically was considered a missing person so all semblance of extreme privacy and my wish did not and will not get respected by authorities. the only way to achieve privacy in my case might as well by committing multiple identity frauds.
>>maybe vegetable soups but i am sick and cannot really look up how to cook them.
>If you have a blender
I don't have a blender sadly so i might just stick with clear soups for now., cream soups are very hearty though i kinda miss it. I might try getting one.
>>if i can train my brain to subsist on zero calorie water flavorings that is
>It sounds like an option for you, yes. Though a good diet with a steady caloric intake will do wonders long term too.
Currently failing at both end. can't stay dedicated to drinking water for now, and still get impulses of snacking for now. I am trying but i am getting no results out if it now.

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>>45018172
>>45026369
>>45024179
Heya, bun! Still chipping away at the past week's posts.
>my father wants to buy this rental we are living in here in Australia
That is.. promising?
>routinely going out on trips and drinking
Is said sibling also... looking for jobs or do I smell preferential treatment? Especially since your father complains anyway.
>at myself for not being able to help with the situation.
Sanity check: The weight of the world will break your back. I understand your compassion, but in your current situation, it *will* kill you, if you let it. I will die on this hill, bun. Save yourself first. I say this knowing full well how painful this feels, it sounds like selfishness perhaps, it is not. Accept these feelings as evidence of your kind heart, but do not accept their condemnation of your person. I believe in your growth.
>he's going to ruin his own life one day
He is a time bomb.
>I hate myself so much, but I will force myself to keep going forward.
I am proud of you for the second part. See above regarding the first.
>Time is running out for me to become a real person.
I see, so your birthday is part of the "I did not enough, I am not enough" spiral that is eating at you.
>I have been sabatoging my own development for the past 3 to 4 years.
>I just wanna be good.
You already are. I understand what you wish to express because I have felt it many times in my own life. There is a deeply personally motivated reason I insist on some things.
>Yes, the scope and complexity makes me freak out.
It requires turning into more manageable components, in that case. I feel like what you are currently going through will require you to learn to develop a selective blindness to things, just as you do not look down when climbing a ladder. If you need help with the particularities, tell me.
>*PING*
Okay, thanks for the reminder! I will respond to that part tomorrow.

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I need to call it a night, even though I have some posts in the works I could still finish before my deadline of 1 am. I would like to take a moment for a PSA instead. It is something near and dear to me, and it is only sensible to share this week you in the week of my late mother's birthday, the woman who never once heeded this, yet is in no small part the person that inspired me to try give other people wings.
Always.
Save.
Yourselves.
First.
I say this with love for other people in my heart, I do not wish to sound cynical saying this. But please remember, you cannot help anybody when you're dead. Do not neglect yourselves into ruin. Do not let everyone lean on you without having support too (architecture 101). Cry out when you hurt.

Goodnight.

this with you*

>>45077634
take it easy, boss

>>45077634
thank you, I needed to hear this

lots of love siganon <3

>>45062199
>>yeah, i don't know, baiting attention out of them kinda scratches a need i have.
>>I try to control myself not to get overboard, but i fear sometimes that's not enough.
>Frankly, I like to "upset" my loved ones too at times. I do think we could try and talk about potential "do"s and "don't"s there. For example, I like to send people occasional psychic damage content, for example a friend that dislikes, say, anime, some real slice of anime bullshit that crosses the line into comically outrageous. Aiming for a "thanks, I hate it" sort of reaction. In some ways you can be affectionate in these kinds of way too I find.
IDK i think i like did more than that, i would constantly, I mean constantly seek attention from people to the point i probably gave me self-psychosis that people secretly hate me. I would constantly apologise for my behaviour, I would just bait for their attention with low quality baits, so much so that I believe that I was exhausting people's patience on me. I would believe that the only thing I am good at is to exhaust and hurt acquaintances and friends from my attention-seeking behaviour.
There was a time that I believed that I was BPD, but I would hold friendships (apparently) for years and years (we're talking like, 5+ years) and I still think that I am a bad friend which cannot hold friendships.
I don't know this is unnatural or not but i feel like that I keep cutting them off, or that the fire that kindles the acquaintanceship just ceases, unable to be rekindled no matter how much i screamed to them to "come back and talk like we used to".
I, FUCKING HATE THIS PART OF MY LIFE, WHY CAN'T I STAY TALKING TOGETHER UNTIL THE HEAT DEATH, I am STARVING for human connections, but i keep nipping people off when the budding of acquaintanceship starts to blossom, because I cannot bear the pain of the end. I mean i get it, we're kept in state of persistent poverty. but still it fucking hurts every time I notice the fire starts to fade.

also /sig/anon sadly you cannot use like any publicly available disposable email for 4chan email verification, not even public gmail/outlook disposable inbox, you have to at least get a private one (paying for service that do offer gmail/outlook/icloud inboxes does count)
I tried one and it does work for 4chan email verification. sad reality though. I rather just i don't know.
it's tiring to post here.

>>45077774
and like 4chan pass no longer accepts bitcoin or any cryptocurrency for that matter. it's card (maybe paypal) only now.

>>45077426
>Why are you looking for gel in particular? I assume to avoid the digestive tract?
It's either gel or pills and I don't wanna take pills

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>>45045130
Cooking update, I made strawberry sandos and tuna salad sandos, and just put some of each into separate containers to portion everything out. Pleased with the results, hoping to continue leveling up my meal prep presentation a little at a time.

Also ordered some shiny pink stick-on covering for my toolbox. I’ll post a picture of that when I get it done.

>>45078069
who the fuck puts mayo on strawberries

>>45078173
I thought it was marshmallow fluff.

When I pee, it doesn't feel like I've fully emptied my bladder. I have awful dribbling after I urinate that lasts for a while. By the time I finish washing my hands, I already feel like I need to pee again, but I try to hold it. I'm trying to last two to three hours, but sometimes I can't make it, and there have been times when I need to pee again after just ten minutes.

I'm trying to drink at least two liters of water every day; I used to drink very little, mostly energy drinks. I also haven't been outside in weeks, which I think isn't helping my condition, whatever that may be.

I'm worried about seeing a doctor and I'm scared this might be permanent. I'm in my twenties and feel like I can't do anything.

>>45078900
the dribble thing usually happens because of weak pelvic floor muscle. you can probably do stuff like kegels to work up your pelvic floor. nine times out of ten it fixes the problem of pee dribbling.

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>>45078173
>>45078342
The white stuff is Greek yogurt, cream cheese, and honey. It’s a healthier version of a common Japanese desert called a “fruit sando” or “fruit sandwich.” Sandwich bread is regarded as a weird thing to put fruit inbetween in the west, although they usually use sweeter, fluffier kinds of bread for these.

>>45079393
Because bread tends to absorb fruit juice and become nasty and soggy quickly. That's why it's normally toasted first, and even then mostly jams, jellies, and preserves (note:sweetened) are preferred to fresh fruit.

>>45079481
I do toast my bread, but I probably should look into preparing the strawberries in some way to make them last longer, because I do have an issue with them going bad before I can use them.

>>45079679
We usually halved/quartered/sliced them and soaked them in their own juice with sugar to make them last when I was growing up.

>>45079703
I’ve heard of thaf. I’ll definitely start trying it, thanks for the suggestion.

Good night

>>44980633
can someone actually like, give me guidance on how to lose weight

like i read the fat loss article and its alot of words but not alot of directions

just gimmie a workout with specific reps / a diet i can stick too.

twink feet?

bump

>>45081229
in my mouth question mark

pg7 paw :3

>>45084337
wiggling the toes double question mark

>>45086078
licking between the toes exclamation mark question mark

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i literally have no one to talk about this to. I don’t feel like I have a reason to keep going. Transitioning seems like only a way to pain and anxiety, I am lonely and deathly scared of meeting people. My moods go up and down for no reason, and trying to be fine on my own after getting broken up n blocked randomly is much harder than I thought. I have no motivation to keep going at all, a lot just seems so hopeless.

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>>45086997
Was it an actual relationship or were you e-dating?

Good night

>>45087787
Nightnight.

How have you been /sig/?
I haven't been around in a couple of months. Last time I was around I had just started doing deliveries by bicycle, and was happy and hopeful about that.

Updates since then:
1. I got a job, with a salary! Which I though would make me happy, but it's been complicated.

>great schedules
>Part time night shift which I always wanted
>2 days off a week
>decent enough pay. 5$ an hour which isn't great but it's alright for my expenses.
>home office, which in theory should be good

But...

>extremely mentally taxing
>have to be fully engaged at all times through the whole shift. Can't really tune out at all.
>only 1 single 15min break through that time
>on video call the whole time, which is mentally draining for someone who hates being looked at.
>also because of this I've had to modify my very limited space considerably to accommodate a background.
>high responsibility. If I screw up that could kill or harm someone badly.
>Unsure about stability, friend who referred me has been working there for 3 years, but I'm "Independent" so they can fire me at any time.

I am very happy that I finally have an income of sorts tho, and whenever I'm not working I tell myself I need it. But I have this thing where whenever I have to do something stressing like that, I am thinking about it through the whole day, and it doesn't let me enjoy doing anything else until I've done it.

>>45088402
Update 2.
I bought a small scooter!
With the money I've made working so far, I've not made quite enough to pay for it whole, but I've made enough to pay for most of it. At the end of the month I should have a little over 2/3rds of it in the bank. Ofc, this is not considering all the expenses I regularly have, and the new ones the scooter itself adds (Taxes, license plate, driving license).

It too, has been a bit bittersweet so far.

I got it thinking that once I had it, I could leave this job whenever I wanted and go back to the deliveries, which paid alright enough, and I figured matching the salary of this place shouldn't be too hard once I'm on a motor vehicle.
I though that since I can handle a car well enough, and I've been riding a bicycle frequently for a few months, that I'd be able to get the hang of it quite quickly, especially since it's a fairly small motorbike.
But I must admit that so far I've found it quite challenging, and scary...It's very different to both a bicycle and a car. Even the lowest speeds freak me out a bit. I also now have to work on actually getting my loicense, which shouldn't take too long if it weren't for the fact that I'm not entirely confident on top of the


All this messing around trying to make money has also caused me to fall behind on my studies, the training for the job took up 9 hours of my life everyday for most of September, and clashed with some of my college time. I'm going to have a rough time getting back up to speed on that on December.
On top of that, with the budget cuts to education, and the re-focus of the economy on mining, we've been informed the whole librarianship career is gonna begin the shutdown process next year, which puts pressure on both students and teachers to finish up ASAP.

Anyways, that's my random vent. Ever since the winter break life has been quite stressful. I believe I am technically doing better than last time I was around...I just wish I could enjoy it!

>>45080428
fuckkkkk my chud lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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Apologies to all of you for the lack of follow up replies.

I have been dealing with fatigue lately but I will be working through them all tomorrow and the day after.

>>45077634
Thank you very much for all of your effort, Siganon.
Take the rest you need.

We all appreciate it very much :)

>>45079393
That looks yummy.

>>45069829
>What did you study?
Computer science. I forgot all the lessons from it, and they weren’t many. I lied to everyone while on the program tgat I was doing ok. What a joke! Now the truth is bare abd nobody cares anymore anyway. I should have probably seen what’s up with my position in the uni by now abd not just assume my deletion means Im done. Who knows. I can’t bother to look, I don’t need more anxiety.
>hopium
There is none left. Im done with everything.
Im just at the end of everything
There will barely be any changes going forwards. Life is as is. I have no will to change it. This is what I always wanted.

pg8

>>45070090
>Looking forward to it
I will save the Vent posts for the weekend probably, it's a lot to get through.
Especially with events from last week.

>Things will be okay, I am working on it
That's very good to hear, still wishing you the very best.

>>45087262
I wish I could do this kind of lighting properly.

pg6

God I hate myself so fucking much

I'm not troubled, I am just a stupid neglectful piece of SHIT

Fuck why can't I just be normal and functional

my head hurts

>>45077548
>Heya, bun! Still chipping away at the past week's posts
No worries at all, take your time.

>That is..promising?
That and his Australian citizenship, means he is far more established here than before.

His relationship with his new partner and her kids make me weary though.

I know it's foolish to say, but it feels like he wants to separate from his family back 'home' at this stage.
This makes me worry about things with my mother, my sibling and me.
Paranoia aside, it's motivating me to get away from him faster and faster.

>Is said sibling also...looking for jobs or do I smell preferential treatment?
They got that job because my mother offered it to them, when it was meant for her.
They have had jobs in the past, many were ruined by them getting into unneeded drama.

>Especially since your father complains
anyway
My father loves giving other people more credit and grace than his two offspring and ex-wife.
It's just how he is, he may love us but I still think a part of him views us as unneeded obstacles.

This is why I now wish to go abroad with my sibling and mother to another country, as bold and foolish as that sounds.

I don't want us living under him but this means I must truly step up and take responsibility.

I just want safety and stability.

>>44980633
I need to get more sleep.

pg6 paw :3

>>45096117
Thank you, kittykat

Good night

Welp, I quit the first job I've ever gotten in my life. I'm such a fucking loser.

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I got somebody hurt today, I was cleaning something and they 'popped their knee out' or something like that.
I almost broke down then and there but I did what was I told and asked to the best of my ability.

Assuming that I don't get fired, which my manager told me I wasn't fired.

They will now be helping me take measures to avoid an issue like this from ever happening again.
They said the person was fine before I left.

God, I feel awful, I feel so fucking bad.
If I ever see them again, I will apologize again perfusely.

>>45097284
gnight

we might be in hell, i dont know

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>>44980633
How do I look less ugly as a guy without getting plastic surgery?

Im str8t btw.

>>45077548
>He is a time bomb
He is a massive time bomb.
He will fuck things up again, for himself and every one of us.
He can't help himself.

>I am proud of you for the second part
Thank you :')
>See above regarding the first
Thank you again, it really does mean a lot.

p9

>>45098639
workout, eat cleaner, fix hygiene. start with the basics they actually compound up and you'd visually change.
pick a style you're into which you think looks good on you, lean more into it. try out new stuff. there's no one size fits all answer, it's all trail error and adapting.

Maybe I should kill myself

>>45101038
you arent gonna

>>45101639
Yeah your right

pg6 paw :3
>>45097261
mreaow :33

>>45100931
keeping your body healthy with diet and exercise gives you this glow about you, both in appearance and outward energy/sociability (soul or whatever)
it's surprising how much of a difference it makes to your attractiveness in all senses (platonically and romantically)

>>44980633
Any women in the UK available?
I'm wanting a gf, what I offer is my time and my willingness to listen, I am not a bad person, I am a good person, hopefully that's enough.

This is like walking into a store and handing them a CV/resume. So I hope this works out for me and I get a gf. Reply to me if you are interested and we can get the ball rolling.

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>>45102913
>This is like walking into a store and handing them a CV/resume
yeah if the cv was like
>Team Player
>Punctual
>Can Communicate Effectively

Why do I always feel fucking sick?

>>45101038
dont

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>>45033396
I got some iridescent pink stick-on vinyl to put on my toolbox. I did it in a bit of a rush but I like the way it looks. Less garage vibes and more Y2K girly. Even if I replace it eventually, it’s a good improvement for the near term.

I’m currently saving up $250, and I deposited $100 into my savings account toward that. I sold a few more things on eBay and I should be able to add another $40 from that after paying to pack and ship it all.

A small thing I tried last night was wearing socks to bed. Apparently it helps you sleep because when your extremities are warmer, your core body temperature lowers which also happens when you fall asleep. It did seem to help me feel cooler and I slept better.

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Hello, its been a while. i am alive, sure am. I work again, i exist and do things, outside looking in i'm functional. i take meds, i don't drink, i don't do drugs, i don't smoke, i don't harm myself, i dont even drink. Yet i'm still just as empty, I dont get any joy from anything, one moment to the next, not wishing for anything. I can go like this for the rest of my life I think, even if it feels miserable to think that, after everything horrific i will have a life of indifference. It is not a happy ending but perhaps i should be grateful it is not an horrific ending, even if at parts i wish for it as it would at least be fast. I still don't trust myself to not blow my head off ensanguinate myself so i try to keep things on a tight leash, its been working even if it adds to my general disconnection with existence. My health has been deteriorating at parts, i sometimes think there is something physically wrong with my head as i get sharp pains or get confused, my other organs are not as well either, the thought that it might be something serious does cross my mind but I can't say that I'm worried with it, frankly a death sentence would be much more welcome at this point, pain meds keep me going however. I'm not sure what I wanted to say, currently I'm going against the desire to get drunk, at what point does a meaningless life become no different than being dead? I search for something, I have tried things, but cant find an answer.

>>45104107
omg hi! I'm the anon that was talking with you abt this and I love the followup! I think if you get time you'll be happier if you redo the drawers to fill any gaps, but this is so cute! I think a little roughness around the edges is generally okay, but if that's not what you like then that's fine too.

happy to hear about the savings, I need to get around to selling some of my own stuff, desu.

I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself

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>>45104738
Hello again! Thanks for following up. I will be giving it a little more attention soon, but I am definitely pleased with the results so far. Now I’m sure it’s worth putting on the finishing touches.

I also noticed that the feet on the toolbox aren’t even so I’ll have to replace them sometime.

Next month I’m going to buy some magnets to decorate the metal cabinet the toolbox is sitting on.

Good night

I think I will do some Venting this weekend, after doing the replies.

>>45077548
>I see, so your birthday is part of the "I did not enough, I am not enough" spiral that is eating at you
Yes.
Absolutely, being 26 and still being stuck with my father makes my stomach turn.

I know not all of it is my fault but by God I could've/should've done more to make money back home.
Everyone I know of is moving on with life, getting good careers and getting married, getting partners...every except me.

And barely anyone besides my mother reaches out to me.
I am alone, and I think I did it to myself for self-isolating and rotting away in my room.

>You already are
>I understand what you wish to express because I have felt it many times in my own life
>There is a deeply personally motivated reason I insist on some things
I can understand.
Feeling bad all the time makes it hard to look forward to anything.

Pessimism comes to me too naturally, I don't know if it's trauma or some sort of pathology.
I don't want to be this kind of person forever, or be this dependant on my father.
I'm supposed to save my mother and sister.

Why am I still scared of my father?
I even fear physically, financially and housing consequences when I think of him.
I miss my family back home so goddamn much.

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Bit of a random one today. Around this time of year I begin to miss being able to get something out of scary/mysterious stories and stuff. It has been so many years...

>>45077548
>It requires turning into more manageable components, in that case
That's true, I don't know how to go about it though.

Recently I've been thinking about creating a simple 'library' system using Python.
But
I haven't written a SINGLE line of code for it, I keep distracting myself with other ways to make myself valuable to employers.

>I feel like what you are currently going through will require you to learn to develop a selective blindness to things,
I see.
>just as you do not look down when climbing a ladder. If you need help with the particularities, tell me
How do you narrow down the most viable path for a good career in cyber security or beyond?
I keep stacking possible courses and tutorial to follow but never acting on anything...analysis paralysis is killing.
Having a job gives me some relief too but it also makes starting any long term project daunting in a way.

>Okay, thanks for the reminder! I will respond to that part tomorrow
Thank you so very much, Siganon!

I will look through the posts and keep an eye on the threads as much as I can.

>>44980633
I'm here to say hello and reidentify myself. I've been here before, but not really in the last couple of years, I'm one of the anons that struggles to eat enough. not sure how many of us there are, at least that hang around sig, but that's the only way I feel like identifying myself right now

I was intermittently okay for a while. I was eating decently and I kept my weight on okay. I don't know. something about everything going on right now with GLP-1's and the heroin chic comeback (also ariana grande + wicked was brutal) just fucked me up immediately.

I think I've also been really stressed, probably too isolated, and poor. so just a really bad combination overall for maintaining any semblance of recovery. I don't have a scale anymore, but I know myself well enough to know that I'm risking going too far again at this point. I don't have many places or people to reach out to, though I have where I can so someone else knows what's going on, and now I'm here again. so hi again I guess and that's all

hope you're getting good rest siganon, ty for all you do

>>45071382
Looks pretty cool.

pg8

>>45104381
I relate to that. Best of luck anon. Hope you find a solution (I'm pushing 30 and still haven't desu)

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>>45107144
It's growing!
Looks a bit messy, but I won't do cable management until things get a bit more permanent with actual racks and stuff.