I'm dating someone who I found out has been a victim of SA and rape in the past and I am apparently not good at showing empathy or the right kind of empathy and I'm wondering is this a futile mission, am I ever going to be enough for them, in terms of emotional support. I have no idea how this works other than those incredibly condescending guides like "don't ask what they were wearing", I don't think I'm that stupid but some of the things I've said they act like it's the same thing. I'd rather not go into detail but I'm not a professional counselor and I have never been a victim of something like that.For the record I'm a cis male and I've been unfavorably compared to other cis males in this person's past. Is this the kind of thing where only another victim can understand? Is it possible for a person who has never been a victim and probably never will, to be supportive to someone who has been and is afraid they could again in the future?To be honest I don't expect a useful answer but my therapist was totally useless and I can't talk about this with anyone else because I don't know if they'd want me to share that with people IRL. So I came to 4chan, thanks for listening. It's LGBT because I've had sex with other males and they use gender neutral pronouns and one of their predators was a woman I think and plus I think this board is better able to discuss this topic like adults.
> am I ever going to be enough for themProbably not.> Is this the kind of thing where only another victim can understand?Pretty much.> Is it possible for a person who has never been a victim and probably never will, to be supportive to someone who has been and is afraid they could again in the future?Yes.
>>45117660just be nice and don't bring it up first?if they wanna talk about it just listen and tell them u love them
>>45117711>YesWish I knew how, or maybe it is sometimes possible but usually not>>45117726I didn't bring it up, but they were basically telling me that we couldn't be together if they couldn't tell me everything, so I said they should, and when they did tell me everything my reaction wasn't what they expected and they were very upset with me and I'm in the doghouse nowI don't know what I expected either, but it wasn't the right way to react and it wasn't how other people reacted. I think the other people were all women except for the one guy who also didn't react properly and I'm kind of like him supposedlyThis was a while ago but I'm walking on eggshells now for everything, and it seems like every other day I do or say something horrible without meaning to, this is probably not going to work out right? Just saying I love someone isn't enough to make up for completely fumbling a trauma share
>>45118070>my reaction wasn't what they expectedLet me guess. You brought up incel talking points. Regret after the fact isn't rape. Not leaving after the first rape, means you didn't hate it that much And on and on. Yes, your relationship is doomed. Because you victim blamed. Move on and let this person be with someone who doesn't judge her for having been a victim.
Man, it seems clean enough to just never talk about it.
>>45118376They're not a "her" but I get your point. I think I was quiet for a long time and then asked something like where was this and when was this and who did it, not exactly phrased like that but essentially that, and then they hung up on me.Are you telling me what happened to you when you told someone?
>>45118552>Are you telling me what happened to you when you told someone?Yes, people interrogating you and casting doubt on it. Very annoying and makes you never see that person the same way ever again. They move from trusted person, to no trust person.
>>45118552The correct answer is getting angry and upset that someone would harm your loved one. Or some variation of it.
>>45119045I'm horrified that this might have been what I sounded like but the whole thing happened so fast and my recollection is so different from their recollection I have no idea how I was sounding specifically, except that it was bad. But from how they responded in the moment and later, I believe that's how it must have felt, even though I intended no such thing.>>45119081But there are many ways to express anger and I feel like yelling and cursing is not really supportive but rather it's almost more like needing support. To me, not showing strong emotions is more desirable. When I'm having a bad time emotionally and I'm talking to someone about it, it's disorienting when they reciprocate by mirroring my emotions, it feels like I'm in an insane asylum or something and what I really needed was some clear headed talk. So maybe that's where I'm weird and that's exactly the time I should be loud and show strong emotions.
>>45117660idk how it is for her but i just hate myself and it's not possible to comfort me or anything i think i'm doomed
>>45119229based calm autist OP
>>45119321I hope you find comfort and learn to love yourself
you've talked since, what did they say they felt hurt by?
>>45120044I completely failed to acknowledge/address the emotional aspect and instead asked questions about who, where, when, etc. Like I was in any position to do anything about it. I recognize where I went wrong, but I worry that this is a failure of temperament and I can't practice my way out of it or by memorizing advice on talking about trauma.
One last bump
