I need to talk and I have nowhere else to do so. I am 29 and been depressed since teenage because of my mom, childhood traumas and growing environment. I have lived terminally online. I managed to make some "friends" in the couple last years, people that I have been trying my best to look out for. I am here for everyone, even for my ex, but no one is here for me. No one asks me out, no one seems to imagine that I am suffering. I have no hobby, nothing to thrive for. My brain hurts, there are only ugly thoughts, constantly. Which is why I have to listen to music all the time. I used to play video games a lot but now I cannot anymore, I lost interest. Everything that I have done to stop thinking no longer works to the point that I became a soulless drone. I used to care for things but now all I do is reading my screen until my eyes hurt too much to keep going and fall asleep, daydreaming of becoming normal, going out, making friends, talking to women, getting into a normal and healthy relationship with one. But I hate myself so much that I forbid myself from trying. I punish myself on a daily basis, eating the same blend food over and over, going to sleep with hungry stomach. The moment I gain consciousness, the thoughts are there already, not a single moment of silence in my head. I have brain fatigue. To add up I even have self induced dysphoria and will never have the guts to commit. I've never had proper socialization , everything I do is out of calculation, I am mimicking what it's like to be a man in a very unnatural way. I also categorically refuse to seek for a therapist. It's impossible for me to put these words in real life. Nobody cares and everyone must be thinking I am normal and sane while I'm literally snapping internally every night. It's a miracle I haven't done drugs, probably because my dad traumatized me and ruined his life over drugs. How can I become normal?
Every day I get older and my beautiful days are already past me, I will die full of regrets, alone and packed with 0 experience worthy of being told.
I always cringe when I see people late 20's or older depression posting online, like bruh figure things out pls you are too old for this
