>>45173902
bumper sticker

>>45173902
I donated blood today and they had to switch arms because my left side wasn’t flowing properly. Also the left side that the nice lady nurse did hurt more, and the right side that the cold guy nurse did hurt less.
Also realizing that my family’s unacceptance of me is based on much deeper issues that they showed across our lives, like my parents feigning unawareness about my brother physically attacking me despite having directly witnessed it multiple times. I’m only in a position to process that now that I’m away from them
Also also my attempt to reject a boy turned into a date because I couldn’t muster the strength to do so

I don't know how to get past the psychological wall of fear surrounding suicide and actually commit to it. There will never be any solution to my life and I will always be an ugly moid fag. Actually having to act in order to kms is harder than I imagined. I can't even do that properly. There is nothing and there never will be anything good or enjoyable in my life. I never knew I actually had to be okay with the absolutely filthy human and body that I am. When I was a kid, it never entered my mind that I will be stuck being this shit aloof person. For the past few years, I hoped something would miraculously change, but I only get older and uglier and the few friends I had no longer want to talk to me. Good riddance on their part, I am fucking repulsive. This life is rancid and I only need to gather the courage to throw myself off a building, but I somehow need to make it inconspicuous enough and hopefully without traumatizing others.

>>45173902
is it weird that I feel pride now that I've gotten my first real wave of hate being a tripfag?
it wasn't even here, I just, idk, I feel accomplished.
I kinda look forward to when people have actual fodder that can dig under my skin

listen
they love and cares about you
if you die they will be devastated
one of them has said to your face that he has decided it his personal duty to fix you
so why do you still think they'd be better off without you
why do you still think it's okay not to try to get better
asshole

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I miss her. I realize what an asshole I could be in the past. I know I’m better than some people but I need to get my life in order and off opioids, they’re destroying my body and my life. Right now the only thing holding me together is school, and next year I have some stuff that requires me to be very physically fit. I wanted to take this Christmas to get off drugs. My plan was to take 10 days to go through the worst of the withdrawals with phenibut to at least try and get some sleep during the ordeal. I went through it last year before deployment but the PAWS was awful. But now my mom wants me to come back home for Christmas, and not only will I need to mail some stuff to myself over there and hope and pray it’ll get there fine, but that takes away my break from school to get off this junk. I miss when she used to be my little ambitious girl and keep me on the straight and narrow, and I miss the cute little long haired twink that invited me over to his house when his dad wasn’t home, and who clearly loved me, but I was too much of a self loathing loser faggot to make him my boyfriend. I miss going out to the eastern shore with my boyfriend and laying on the beach.

>>45174246
Im not suicidal but nah my parents would be but I’ve pushed everyone else away. I’m 30 years old and ugly. I wasted my youth being a cripple and an addict and a zogbot, I am trash. I abandoned everyone for my ex wife and then abandoned her. I have so many things in my life I didn’t get to do (prom, go snowboarding and skiing, a Halloween costume party) and it feels like it’s over. I can’t even get physically fit again, I fumbled that too, along with mad bitches and twinks. It’s over, if this next ten years doesn’t pan out I’m done, 40 isn’t even that bad especially if you were never really meant to live that long anyway

>>45174310
>I can’t even get physically fit again
wdym? you can always get fit. but yeah unless you stay fit your appearance will go to shit in middle age, so gl with that. you can always turn things around
t. depressed hypocrite

What are you supposed to do when you know you'll never heal? When you know that what would let you heal will never happen?

>>45173902
both my roommates treat me differently because of my birth sex yet stay adamant they support my gender, really does suck, any they react to anything other than the binary trans like it’s lunacy, basically insulted my sibling when I was discussing them because they didn’t grasp genderfluid and just said “that’s just mental illness” like no, not all of us are transsexuals, I may be but my younger sibling is not, he only changes his gender presentation, not his sexual characteristics, why does their level of understanding matter as to whether somethings okay, it’s such a childishly stupid mindset, even if it makes no sense to you why gaf ? you’ll never have to meet them, the pronouns you use won’t ever matter, its such a nothing problem

>>45174329
What will let you heal?

>>45174320
Yeah but I’m still an alcoholic . I run and go to school but I need to get back to lifting, also it won’t fix my face and deeply set, crag-like jowls, nor my awful bags under my eyes. I look close to 40 rn and I’m only 30, and for years I looked like a teenager. It happened overnight and makes me feel I’ll never find someone. I just want another shot at being married. Sorry to blog post

you're probably sleeping with someone new already while I'm fantasizing about you asking to come over like anything would be different

I need to figure out how to meet people locally. I'm so socially inept that I don't even know where to go to meet people or how to even approach them once I'm there. Went to a fighting game tournament last year and that went well, but I don't even know how to keep up with when those occur. I just need irl friends or to like date or something because I mostly just exist as words on a screen for most of the friends I have now and it's agonizing

>>45174310
What kind of zogbot?

>>45174417
>apologizing for blogposting in blogpostgen
yeah... that's rough. but if you do it and keep at it you'll be mogging everyone your age in no time, I'm sure of it

Messed up at work yesterday and worried myself sick over it, barely slept. Came in today and it turns out to not be a big deal. Hate that I'm like this.

Seeing myself slowly transform from someone who was young and fem enough to pass to a hopeless john 50 type with my own eyes is utterly depressing.

I’ve been feeling this way for over 11 years, ever since i was thirteen, i know what the solution is, but i just can’t go through with it. So i’m stuck repping. All so i don’t alienate my family, most of whom i don’t even like. I’d kill myself but i’m too afraid of hell. Growing up muslim was the worst thing that could have happened to me.

I’m 24 now, despite habitually drinking and smoking for a year and half or 2 years i still have some of that fem appearance left. If i locked in, got on hrt, did proper skincare and got into shape i could atleast become a twinkhon, which is better than just withering away.

I won’t though. I’ll stay the way i am, all so i can stick around the most morally degenerate self-righteous assholes, because for some reason i have a psychological block that makes me think i can’t leave, even though i can.

>>45174796
What stops you from getting in your car and driving far away, and coming back years later as the woman you’ve always known you were?

>>45174811
Believe me i’ve thought about it, but for some reason i feel like i can’t. Like i’m a child missing curfew or something.

My mom has been very controlling to me my entire life, to the point where i can’t even leave the house after dark without her complaining about how i’ll give her a heart attack one day. So just leaving outright while easy is tough when you consider how neurotic i am when it comes to keeping her happy.

Plus idk my nieces and nephews like me for some reason and would be sad if i just up and left, and i worry what might happen if i just leave them without any support with the family that fucked me up so badly.

>>45174796
call a friend up, tell them your situation and get them to force you to fix yourself. if you don't have one get one. make a frengen or something. do whatever you need to, just don't let this happen

>>45173902
I can't find the way to make myself appealing to the general public, is like there's something about me that just clocks me as a freak not worth paying attention to, my art is mediocre and I have no skills worth paying a cent to, I just don't know what to do, I'm 26 and don't feel in touch with my peers at all, I get bullied everywhere I go and even the one online friend I got seems to be getting bored of me.
I don't know.

I feel so goddamn lonely lol
My horrible horrible disgusting ex got me completely hooked on gay affection and I'm dying without it

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a whole day has passed since my former friend's university called a welfare check, i had a mutual friend message her on discord and she didn't reply to it (of course) but has been online constantly and even switched to mobile apparently so she's alive (of course). i feel like i've fulfilled my duty of at least making sure she didn't kill herself but i knew that already anyway, i just couldn't reply to her uni being like "nona would never kill herself because she's too self-absorbed and obsessed with herself so don't worry". the uni still refuse to say what triggered the welfare check but i'm guessing she either threatened suicide while having no intention of doing it again (second time this year!) or got high every day and missed like a week or two of classes and the uni has a duty of care since she's known to student wellbeing so i had to spend a day dealing with this during my one week off work in four fucking months while the person i'm doing it for gets more money from the government and her parents just for existing than i get from my full-time job ahahaha what a joke.
>(You)s in 3...

I feel like my bf is losing his interest in me

No reason to even read these posts anymore. Where did all the relatable people with real problems go?

>>45174582
i empathise and wish i had more to add but we're both fucked the same way

why did you have to say anything? why pretend there was any hope? I was doing better now I'm back to waking up sobbing because I miss you so badly

>>45176768
Sorry, what would be relatable to you so I can restructure my life to have your same issues, nona?

>>45174246
It's not that I think they'd be better off without me, it's that I think I would be better off dead, and one of the few reasons I have for staying alive and continuing to suffer is the knowledge that choosing what's best for me, oblivion, is going to harm others.

>>45174597
Army
>>45174713
I do this as well, hang in there anon I’m sure they know you are competent

i care too much about people i barely talk to. if i get blocked by someone i knew online it always hurts so much, even after going through it many times. i usually pull away at first now to avoid it, but it still happens every now and then. i take long times to respond because i really dont want to mess up and get abandoned in response. i wonder if others i talk to are like this or they really just dont care and are free.

>>45176768
>Muh real problems
Your problems are trivial and I can say so because you said it first

>>45178061
dayum

I'm getting tired of spending every single holiday alone it's been like this since like 2020

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none of this is fun anymore. i only feel joy when i'm clueless but I always fool myself into looking in the mirror
i can do my makeup for about two minutes before looking at myself and wiping it all off and fully man moding again
And its so fun in that two minutes I wish I could feel like that about it but all the time. I wish i could like my clothes and like anythimg about myself but i'm a walking monster most sensible people including trannies want dead or at least put away

>>45178948
Same I posted a thread the other day crying about never having been to a Halloween party. I spent Christmas with my ex wife multiple times and have had a few thanksgivings with friends and family but other than that it’s drinking alone and playing Rome total war I

Fucking hell man. I checked his reposts like a naive idiot. I don't know if I was hoping to find remorse or what, I just found him tagging someone new under some romantic shit. It sent me into a spiral so I went for a walk. I genuinely mean nothing to him and I haven't for god knows how long. He just left me in the dust and he feels no remorse. I have nothing to bargain for anymore.

>>45178948
go to a club, they're literally only fun on halloween and literally no other time

>>45178961
i don't know what you look like or what your makeup skills are (it's defo hard and requires years of practice), but i can definitely guarantee you that no self-respecting tranny wants you dead. in fact, the more clocked-up hons who exist, the better off we all are.
hons together strong :']

>>45179497
I take my role as an extremely visible trans woman to be both a mentor and a positive face of the community deadly seriously. You'll never see me being publicly cringe (aside from the innate cringe of being a honmoder), putting in less than maximum effort, or letting my sisters be abused in public.

>>45174310
lynx post

I need to make $2250 next month to cover my current debt of $750 but I can barely make $1500 and I can't bear the thought of whoring out, streaming, or doing anything else to make money on the side.
I hate it, I make art, People call me cute, fucks sake one guy pays just to listen to me talk but I stopped doing it because it was eating me up inside. I can't do this, I hate this, I hate living like this.

I want her back

>>45181918
We all want her back anon
That’s why we’re here
>>45180619
?

>go out
>get shitfaced
>talk everyone’s ear off
>they love me we’re making plans we’re hitting it off
>go home in the morning
>work in two hours
>still drunk
>fuck it might as well stay up
>text everyone in my phone
>no answers because they're all asleep
>sober up at work
>feel like shit, look like shit, everyone comments on it
>become super anxious that everyone secretly dislikes me or worse just doesn’t think of me at all
>work 12 hours
>go home
>lay down in the dark and rot
>”next time I’m not even gonna go out I don’t even like this”

every fucking week with this nonsense. i literally refuse to learn. i really need to quit drinking because im a little bitch who cant just moderate like a normal person. i care so much about what other people think of me and they literally do not think of me at all. i build up these people in my head like a freak because i can’t just be normal and treat people normally and it’s so embarrassing. im literally obsessing over people who would not notice if they never saw me again. what are we even doing what’s the point jesus christ

I'll never forgive myself for not seeing the obvious, persistent, signs I was trans, recognizing that I probably was, but actively trying to suppress it my whole puberty. Then I let it finish and now I'm cooked. oh well.

>>45182241
Yeah I’m the same way, it’s a tough thing to admit to yourself that you can’t handle alcohol like other people seemingly can

>>45182126
all of you? so she's a whore?

>>45182330
male puberty never really ends

>>45182382
She typically is yes

>>45182382
I am 100% a slut, sorry

im so emotional today

I really cant do it for much longer im not even human or anything I just suffer for others to see me stay

i dont feel as if i have anyone to talk to about my interests or my problems. i really feel completely alone in life and its weighing on me particularly strongly today

>>45183489
me too, im sorry
you can talk to me

>>45183621
my day has been very much like this and I am out of shame or apologies over it

>>45173902
I dont get it. Im a masc born guy. Openly pan. Live in an area where people are comfortable with people being open. I love petplay and domming. I exclusively top and love to bully while I fuck. But I cant find a Trans girl femboy or cute boy to be with.

HOT PIECE OF MEAT
100% CANADIAN
ANIMAL PRODUCT
OUTSIDE THE ESTABLISHMENT(?)
1AM MOUNTAIN TIME
WOMEN TOUCH ME
WANT TO TEACH ME
BUT MY MEAT
WRONG SPOT
:(

NOT THAT
100% CANADIAN
PROCESSED ANIMAL BYPRODUCT
WOULD EVER
FUCK NORMAL
ANYWAY
:(

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back to work tomorrow and i'm already anxious, wondering what sort of chaos broke loose during my week off. i closed most of my tickets but reassigned the others to my lazy moid coworkers and gave them notes basically explaining what needs to be done. more than likely they did nothing though and i'm gonna have like 20 notifications on teams when i arrive. at least the year is almost over. need to book the day before the bank holiday on the 17th off so i have a four day weekend, my bf already took it off and wants to do something together, hopefully my boss won't hit me with the "b-but the rest of EMEA is working so it's a normal day for us!" and make me work. truly fuck my burned out 30 year old milflennial office lady life.

I just want to be a woman. I don't even care if it's all the time anymore, I just wish there was some small corner of my life where I was allowed to be a woman. I wish the people in my life were at least capable of pretending they see me as a woman.
When I started transitioning I used to have so much hope for the future and now I just spend all day trying to convince myself not to commit suicide.

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I finally. Have a pseudo-boyfriend/situationship after a lifetime of relationships with women and I feel like even less of a woman and just unhappy. I like him a good deal but I can feel he’s not super committed.

He’s probably not fucking anyone else but as amazing as the sex is and as deep as the conversations are, I feel distinctly that he’ll move on as soon as he finds a prettier tgirl or woman or he finds somewhere to move. I guess that’s ok, neither of us are at our primes. But idk. I just wish our romantic chemistry was as strong as our sexual chemistry. I’m 31 and I want to settle in with someone.

All the ingredients are there… we love music and art but we’re both so depressed and traumatized that something just feels off. Plus he seems like the type to prefer cis women. Idk. I like him so much but I feel like we’ve both recently developed commitment wariness at the exact wrong moment in our lives. Our distance feels artificial.

Why does it have to be so fucking hard?! My energy is barely enough to shoulder full time work and very basic self care on top of having a child. I should be voice training, shopping different types of fashion, learn make-up and get a wig (fuck you, Norwood reaper) but all I manage to do is regularly take my hrt. O realise that's the most important thing but barely having energy for anything else is so frustrating, and instead of just trying things out my crippling anxiety makes me ruminate in them until I either don't have anymore time or energy or am busy with something I can't delay.

I just wish I was normal. I hate this feeling like I have to fight myself tooth and nail for every little thing I want.

vent

There are probably very well paid people who work very hard jobs who are very very confused why i am still sane.

>>45187692
Implying that their goal is?

>>45187812
Paying off their student loan debts?

Do people often assume you should be insane? Why? I get people like that too.

I really, really need to leave this fucking place, both irl and online.

>>45175068
This person will never do anything you suggest and will only exhaust you with excuses why they can't. Save your breath for the ensouled. Like my grandmother used to say, chickenshit in the rain.

why do I miss you or care what you think when you've been so awful to me
I'm so fucking alone and I know I can meet other people but every time I even think about trying I get stuck on all of the things I wanted to do with you, I wanted us to make new friends together
instead I'm just self isolating again and afraid it's going to be years of this shit again

I wish I could just accept my androphilia and all my tranny thoughts and live my best life. I blame growing up in a conservative environment where I was taught that fags are gross evil perverts. Even though I never believed that consciously I think it still conditioned me to hate myself. I've also tried dating girls and being "normal" but it's HELL. There is nothing more miserable to me than cishet dating. So now I'm kinda stuck in this twilight zone where I can't be kind enough to myself to live the life that I really want and at the same time I can't mentally cope with living inauthentically to meet the expectations of others.

happy birthday, wherever you are

why can't you just fuck all the way off? I was there first

>>45190105
Where?

>>45190527
fuck you

>>45188553
just a heads up, the people who treat you this way get a kick out of read something like this

>>45190550
I'm not Bosnian or ginger. I don't think I'm allowed to convert, sorry.

>>45190620
starting to believe that maybe except I don't think I can imagine her being that cartoonishly evil so it's probably subconscious, or something

The hole you tore straight through my heart feels like it's sabotaging my ability to form new relationships. All of my new friendships rotted away so quickly until I became alone. Again. Im simply unable to trust anyone at all, not even myself. I wish I could just be alone forever.
I hate my life. I hate me. I wish I had the capacity to self-harm or even self-eliminate, but all I can do is continue to cry myself to sleep.
Someone please end me.

>>45184332
I’m sorry anon. As hurtful as it can be, maybe try to enjoy the little moments while you can? I’m sure he holds you in his heart.

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I went out in girlmode in broad daylight to see if I could still feel sth...

nope. I think there's something very wrong with me.

I'm stuck with a partner who pays for me since I'm a neet and can't find work but also I'm realizing I really don't like her. I'm trying so hard to find work but just can't. I feel like I'm going insane I disagree so hard with her and the way she sees relationships and the world and the way she's so lost in her own head all the time she can't consider anyone but herself.

feeling like an asshole for ghosting someone over politics, nobody asked me to or not to but it doesn't sit right with me either way

>>45191059
i feel exactly the same way
it hurts so much
just wish i could heal and move on

>>45191433
I don't even want to heal. I don't even want to move on. I want the future I thought I would have. A friendship I thought would transcend decades. I dont want to burn it all away. I dont want to forget the good or the bad.
But Ill never have any of that.
I dont want to heal. I just want to die.
I should just let her go. I think about it every day. Say my last "Im sorry" and block her everywhere. Maybe even move away, leave the city, become a ghost. No more fear, no more reopening the wound just by existing... just a ghost. Thats what I should be. Thats what I always should have been.
I hope my heart stops tonight. I hope that every single night.

think I've stopped fantasizing about making it work, now all the fantasy is in the firmly impossible or just after some mystery undefinable conditions zone

You walked away with the part of me that was capable of having hope. Of believing in a future where I wasnt miserable 95% of the time.
Its not that you were particularly special. It was simply that I did truly put all of my belief and trust in you. So when you said it was gonna be okay, I believed it. And now youre not here to say that. And without hope, I struggle to even believe in anyone else. Struggle to even form new bonds and connections. It all just rots without hope and belief.
Its not your fault. I dont blame you. But the most crucial part of me is bleeding out anyways. I dont think she will survive.

>>45191622
what did you do to make you feel that way?

>>45191766
Betrayed her trust.

everyone hates me for no reason

>>45191880
do they? or do you hate yourself so much you project it onto others?

>>45191828
howd you do that?

>>45191915
i got permanently banned from the only community i had with no explanation
i have made friends in the past and it doesnt matter how long or close we've been they get the ick once and then they drop me
people are just cruel on purpose to me

>>45191924
like a discord server or irl? because irl permaban for no reason would be insane

>>45191938
online

>>45191939
they're probably losers if it helps you feel any better, people who give no explanation are all miserable cowards

>>45191941
well i have nothing and no one to fall back on i'm just completely alone now i'm more of a loser than them

>>45191917
I don't want to go into detail here.

>>45191938
how would you permaban someone irl? kill them?

>>45191946
was it your ex?

>>45192003
No. No romantic or sexual relationship at all. Thats the funny thing about this. Ever felt like you went through the most awful breakup and heartbreak of your entire life, but its with your best friend? Hell I dont even think I was her best friend, that should be her wife. But she was the best friend I ever had. She saved my life. Gave me hope. And I betrayed her.

At what point do you just freaking drop out? I was late in turning in my assignment again my awful teacher will probably just bin it. Spent an hour and a half on it too. We needed to write min of 250 words and I wrote maybe 500 but I didn’t get the stupid quotes in the boxes in time. She’ll give you no credit with no feedback just zero, zero, zero. You have to listen to her awful lectures where she mumbles and she writes her questions with AI. I passed all three quizzes but I’m worried about my grade in the class. Idk sorry to rant but it’s tough to spend an hour and a half on one portion of on assignment write twice as much as you need to and lose credit just because you didn’t put some quotes into a box on time, even if they’re in the larger body of the text. Especially given that the mouse cursor doesn’t show up on the weird program thing she has us do it on. I just know this bitch will bin it like she has half of them already.

>>45192066
How old are you anon? If you don’t mind saying ofc

>>45192118
Why do you ask?

>>45192071
>At what point do you just freaking drop out?
Your school calender should list dates like. "Last day to drop with 100% refund" all the way to, "last day to drop with a W". Ideally figure out your teacher sucks while you can still get money back, but definitely pull out before it shits on your GPA. Try again with a different teacher or switch to a different class that meets your degree requirements. You're in college to learn stuff, not suffer.

>>45192184
Jw. I too feel like I betrayed a woman who loved me, multiple in fact. Sometimes as bad as it is, it’s just a part of being a young person. Doesn’t make it right to hurt or mistreat people, but still forgive yourself for being young and inexperienced if you are. I found that I didn’t realize how hurtful I could be in the past…
>>45192206
Thank you yeah I think tomorrow (today) is the last day. I might, will need to think on it a bit as it is through my gi bill.

ngl wish there a was a vent space where i can actually get a reply (one that's not insulting me about it) if i post every time i try to open up anywhere i just get more suicidal

>>45192220
Well, im not young. Im old enough to have white hairs and to have learned some lessons about how to not be a piece of shit devil by now. Im at an age where most people expect me to have my shit together (and I do on the external surface ig) but am still ruled by turbulent emotions that make me do stupid shit when they boil over.
Twice. Fucking twice. Thrice now. Life has taught me the same painful fucking lesson. And this time was the worst. This time I had my ability to even hope for a non-miserable existence ripped away from me. Im tired. Tired of trying and failing. Tired of being hurt all the time. Tired of never ever getting a fucking W. Tired of watching everything I ever actually cared about slip permanently beyond my grasp one at a fucking time.
Im trapped. In a rusted fucking coffin. Im going to die in the circumstances Im in and at this point most of it is my own damn fucking fault because Im a cowardly devil that never learns its fucking lesson. My miserable death is just a matter of "when" now and I fucking guess """fortunately""" im too much of a coward to ever pull the trigger myself.

>only steady hobby atm is walking for several hours a day
>too restless for much else, keep on bouncing from thing to thing.
>it's been months like this
okay

I am completely fucking insane

>>45192711
is that new? what happened?

>>45192231
Same. Reddit is retarded and even worse than here.

I love when I have to deal with my mom being sick and then someone i trust hurts me deeply for no reason

Falling asleep in the hon outfit and having to put normal man clothes back on in the morning. Makes me feel like I'm 14 again crossdressing alone in my room. It makes me sad that 7 years, 3 of which on hrt, have passed and nothing has changed. Like it was always destined to be some antisocial behavior that amounted to nothing.

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>>45184075
>get back to work
>informed i'm on the later shift all week so have to completely rearrange my personal life, can't go gym with my bf later etc
>have to fill in for one of the L1s on the helpdesk phone line too so basically have to spend today and tomorrow resetting passwords for retards who can't use a computer
>frog HQ sends out invitation for MANDATORY teams meeting on the 17th even though they know full well that more than half of the EMEA IT team is in czechia and we have a holiday that day
>it's closing so the office is busy as hell
fuck my life dude my head hurts so bad

I hope the AI bubble crashes and at least one billionaire commits suicide. I feel bad that I wish for this.

i don't get why everyone hates me for no reason

>>45193497
it's never for no reason, anon. Examine yourself very honestly, and talk to your loved ones to give you their very sincere thoughts on if there are things about yourself you could improve. If there's nothing to find, simply change who you surround yourself with.

>>45193635
you are operating on so many false assumptions

>>45193660
I think I know why people hate you anon

>>45193826
in this last instance it was literally because i'm not okay with racism

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not to be all my steak is too juicy my lobster is too buttery but bra shopping (all kinds of clothes shopping tbqh) is annoying as hell with a large bust lol i'm a 34J in US sizing and it's impossible to find bras that actually fit me and are both supportive and cute in stores so i just dropped like $270 on a few special bras (would be less but you get screwed over so hard on exchange rates and import fees when you're from a small european country with its own currency) but i have no idea if they'll be comfortable, if they'll be supportive, if the wires will dig into the sides or bottoms of my breasts (hopefully not, i went down a band size and up a cup size after remeasuring so my current bras are a poor fit), etc. i kinda miss being a skinny tranny with B cups and wearing tiny bralettes and letting clothes hang off me but second (third?) puberty hit me like a truck after 28 and i gained like 60lbs that aren't going anywhere after almost a year and idk if there's any going back lol

>>45193352
Bet you’re regretting that velvet revolution and divorce now huh? Neoliberalism never works out, plus you could have gotten a Slovak to do that helpdesk stuff in the past

FTM 3 years on T. somehow stealth but i look in the mirror and see a deformed foided freak. im applying to internships but fuck the tests they make you do are so hard. ive only had two interviews so far, failed them both, and it feels like i'll never find a job. if i cant get a high-paying job i'll never get top surgery or phallo and will be stuck with this female body for the rest of my life. i go to one of the top universities in the world, i get decent grades, this shit was supposed to be easy every i know is interning at amazon and google but i cant even land a job at a startup.

>>45194632
you are a woman
women are intellectually inferior, if you can't cut it go be a housewife

>>45194572
why even comment when you clearly know absolutely nothing about either country, did you just want to sound smart or what? neoliberalism is so unpopular here in recent years that people voted for a trumpist populist PM who promised to increase public spending, help SMEs, raise pensions and stop increasing the retirement age, etc. your comment about slovaks is just bizarre, do you think we see them as second class citizens or something? i don't even really consider them foreigners.

>>45194694
NGA, fuck off back to /pol/

ive been so caught up in my own tranny bullshit i didnt realize my crashouts are probly related to /current events/ that just happened around the same time as my own shit. i thought i fucked up my levels or something but it turns out not only do i have to pay more attention to eating and sleeping so i dont cry like a little bitch but i also have to protect myself from mean thoughts? gaaaaay

i want him to cuddle me and tell me its gonna be okay

>>45195148
i want him but he probably thinks im disgusting:( i want to be pretty and soft for him, i hate being an ugly man

>>45193660
They literally assumed nothing whatsoever and encouraged you to seek information
But now I hate you <3

>>45195170
they assumed that i hadnt examined myself and that i havent tried changing who i surround myself with bitch

>>45175518
i know about whom you are speaking

>>45195815
cool, if you have any information i should pass onto the wellbeing officer let me know

>>45194990
trying to internalize this lesson but it's hella gay

I've been fantasizing about someone holding me for months now. mental illness?

>>45195991
I diagnose you with being a human

>>45192778
i tried venting about dysphoria on a tranny discord and people just ignored me to talk about feminism or some shit
i can't talk to friends because they're all either suicidal hons who can't take my shit because they have the same problem or mentally ill passoids/cissoids who can't take my shit because it's depressing

>>45195974
>it's hella gay
yeah. i think its kinda good tho. like it will probly improve my qol to actually take care of the vehicle i have to live in. its way easier if i pretend like im someone else, a cute girl i have to take care of. then i can tell her its gonna be ok and stuff like that and its slightly less gay. just way more schizo lol

>>45196002
I wish I didn't desire it. I often feel like a vampire. I need to suck, offer nothing, but STILL have to explicitly be invited in

>>45174310
Anon you can literally start doing your entire list this year and it shouldn't even take you two years. I know shit sucks, believe me I get it but you can make a change so fast

>>45193386
don't feel bad

I hate how I pass the best when I dress like an overworked single mom. I want to wear interesting, nice clothes! But the initial confidence is long gone, I haven't found my style, and the only clothing that other people perceive me as a woman in are jeans and a sweatshirt, or slacks and a blouse. It's depressing, and it doesn't help that all my raceblind friends will hugbox me. I'm 22cm taller than my mom, 13cm taller than my sister, but every white girl is dismissive because I'm 170cm. When I go visit my relatives, everyone treats me like I'm a giant. AND my tits are little mosquito bites.

>>45174863
>>45174796
As a bitch with controlling parents, I get it. I'm sorry, it really sucks. :( Unfortunately you just have to go through the rebellious teenager phase as an adult in order for them to get off your back. They will throw a fit for the first year or two, and they'll never truly be okay with it, but they'll calm down eventually. If you move out of your parents place, they'll realize you have the option of never visiting them ever again and get much nicer.

>>45174582
Yeah, it sucks. I'm sorry. :( I really empathize with you, sometimes I have bad dreams about being talked over in a conversation. Show up to something irl regularly and talk to people like you did at the FGC tournament. Try a weekly FGC local or something, plenty of socially inept people make friends there. And set daily reminders to text or text people back! If you're anything like me remembering that is a struggle, and people HATE bad texters with a fiery passion.

>>45192331
ADHD medication helps a lot and is easy (ymmv) to get legally

>>45184332
I'm sorry girl, that fucking sucks and I've been there. :( Uncommitted men will wreck your mental state if you let them, if you can't emotionally distance yourself like he is you should probably break it off before it gets worse.

>>45197070
>adhd meds
I'm on 10mg ir methylphenidate 2x a day. I need to get my dosage upped or switch to extended release. It does help SO MUCH, but I keep forgetting to take it. I'm unemployed right now too which doesn't help with a schedule

>>45197114
If they allow it in your country, switch to lisdexamphetamine or adderall, so much more effective ime. Methylphenidate barely worked for me. As for forgetting to take it, I thrifted the loudest alarm clock I could find, put it out of reach of my bed so I have to get up, and double sided taped my medication bottle to the alarm clock. It works really well but its super stupid looking. Hope you find a job soon nona

I really did have goals in life, then I started having seizures and while I'm lucky to have some sympathy in that regard I think my family still sees me as a girl. It's this strange dynamic where they'll mark me as womanly if it's some sort of thing they need me excluded from but suddenly I'm a big strong man when it's something they don't feel like doing themselves.

>>45194990
Oh yeah totally, ever since /current events/ started, I've been having intrusive thoughts about being branded as an agp troon that's a danger to women and kids or whatever else they spin up. The Bunlith thing just reminded me of that. It's caused me to be overly cautious about everything I say even when it's just me and my friends because I'm paranoid as shit about being misinterpreted.

It's so easy to say 'just be yourself' when nothing is actually putting you in danger. fuck cissies

>>45197290
I just fucking hate retail and I hate working and AAHAHHAHAH. I wish I was smart and could just study, but no, I can't seem to apply myself. Entitlement? Probably.

I want to float the idea of switching to Vvyanse at my psych appointment. I'm worried it might last too long though, IR is nice sometimes, though obviously don't want to fall into abuse (luckily methylphenidate is not really abusable for me)

I feel like I'm too old to find what I want in life, and that it's too late to find love
I feel so much regret for all my mistakes that caused me this misery it makes me want to die

>>45197535
If you arent pushing 60s love isnt impossible. Sure everyone settles down in their mid 20s, but by mid 30s half of them have divorced, know exactly what they want, and are looking for passion.
t. Mid-30s divorcee enjoying the middle aged dating scene (which includes 40 somethings and some spicy 50 somethings though I dont date that far up)

>>45197535
you have to try or else you just continue to waste time. I wasted 8 years after highschool on a "gap year".

>>45197816
I'm on year 7 of that....

>>45198018
stop being a loser

>>45198086
how?

I'm too tired and burned out to cry or be angry about it anymore, I just wish things could be better and there was some way of making it work

dying is the easiest way out of my suffering, but i have this disgusting personality that never wants things to end.

>>45199296
>but i have this disgusting personality that never wants things to end.
this is relatable, I can't let anything go or end gracefully and trying to hold on is also probably the biggest source of my misery in life

I want to feel human and not always inferior to others

I want to be seen as a human and not just as flesh

>>45199561
as in you feel like an object for people to play with instead of as an equal?

>>45199573
Yes :(
Almost no one has ever cared about my consent and no one has ever defended me when it happened right in front of them, and probably no one will

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i hate my face
jaw fucked
this is after ffs
my nose is weird
my eyes are uneven
i dont want to keep getting revisions

I lied I still miss you and I'm sure you know it

>>45199660
I don't have the context but if they hold on the thought that you still miss them, they probably see it now as a desperate false thought

>>45198804
please tell me

>>45199714
I'm not sure. I'm working on that myself.

>>45199699
not sure I understand

>>45199745
what are you doing to work on it?

>>45199757
Assuming they still believe you miss them, they will now see it as false hope and will try to get rid of it

>>45199757
not op but they probably don't know you miss them, if they believed that they'd dismiss it as wishful thinking

>>45199783
>>45199784
I see

>>45199766
uhhhhhh... I'm eating better, exercising more, and actually getting mental health treatment. It's been slow, not a ton of progress since July, but I'm much better than I was at the start of the year.

>>45199814
do you feel better?
i need to do all that but i've been having a rough couple years

>>45199655
I'm sorry to hear that anon.
>>45199844
for the most part. I had a rough start to the year (self inflicted) and a tricky middle section (self inflicted), but I'm glad I quit my job. I was worried that quitting would fuck up my schedule (and it did/has), but I don't think I'd be able to juggle that and what I'm doing right now. It sucks that it took a few months of bedrotting to get here.

If you can start anything, start it. Believe me, I thought I would be much further by now, and I almost gave up several times, but I'm happy I did something instead of resigning to my fate.

>>45199863
I'm glad you're feeling better and that you're working on yourself, I appreciate your encouragement too, I think tomorrow I'll book an appointment with a psych to start my meds again
best wishes

>>45199923
Same to you friend. Meds can really help. Make sure to communicate your concerns clearly with your psych. I managed to get my AD switched a few years ago, and it has made a massive difference in my mood and general wellbeing. Don't ever just go along with whatever they toss at you. Always have questions. Good luck.

20(mt)f. when i was 16-17, i managed to really hurt everyone who was friends with me. i cheated on my girlfriend, before that i made a sexual move on another girl who didn't reciprocate, i suibaited. to me it's pre-transition bpdemon and rapehon stuff that everyone else here was the victim of. i still think about it almost everyday. whenever i remember it i just freeze. it's been (deservedly) weighing on me a lot. is there anything someone can do to atone for these things? i've thought about apologizing but i think they'd rather never see or think of me again.

>>45200091
it's worth thinking about who the apology would be for. do you think they'd want to receive an apology? personally i think you should apologize but be ready to not be forgiven. this one is for them, not you.

>>45200107
i understand, i know i shouldn't be forgiven nor expect that. i don't think they'd want an apology, one of my then-friends told me to never contact her or her friends again. it's been a few years since.

>>45200129
i wouldn't contact the person who said to never contact her but i think it's reasonable to apologize to the other people

Saw a therapist today, but it was just to get signatures for insurance stuff. Therapy is always such torture, I always feel worse afterward. Plus I locked up and for some reason couldn't tell the literal specialist I was literally seeing for literal gender-affirming care that I was a trans woman, so all of the paperwork says non-binary and it felt pretty bad.

I was going to make a separate post about this with a probably-not-that-funny-anyway picture but I haven't drawn in months and it just looked awful so I gave up and am hopelessly whining in this thread instead :P

>>45200142
thank you

>>45173902
she doesnt miss me, she doesn't regret how she hurt me enough to actually change.. so im just left with the choice of cutting her off fully or not. i dont want to. but i keep getting hurt and getting promises from her that she doesnt follow through on.

i feel sick.

i wish she hadn't moved to my city after breaking up with me and given me false hope so many times. i feel like im unfit to have love now.

>>45200377
Cutting her off is the first step on the path to healing.
Cut. That. Bitch. Off!!

>impulsively buy diy electrolysis pcb
>immediately start hooking stuff up
>test it
>it zaps me
ow!

>get injected
>huge drop of oil pops out
I feel like I got nothing

should I delete it

>>45200984
Please

>>45200984
If you must ask, don't

>>45200984
delete what?

>>45200609
Yeah. Might have to.

i need strength to drink alcohol. can someone give me their energy, i need it right now

>>45201395
why do you need to drink? still, you may take a shot, as long as you arent driving

>>45201406
i am sad and alone at home

Last night in my dream I was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of people yet I searched everywhere just to find you, but you were nowhere in sight. After some time I was transported onto an island in the sky. A few moments I sat, somewhat content behind a computer desk until the feeling of a panic attack came over me, it got so intense everything turned to black and there was the sensation that I was falling. At the peak of the free fall and intense pressure within me, your voice came from somewhere and said that I was capable of anything... A strained groan escaped my body as my eyes opened back into reality
I miss you, I still live in the past I guess. As always

>>45201412
you need strength for that? interesting, maybe a sign to not drown your sorrows in beer (malebrained nona).

>>45201423
it tastes rancid so yeah. i want to be in a fun mood for at least a little while, it's been so long

Sometimes it is good being extremely paranoid, I just remembered you can just google any phone number and it will give you the location and even the name, scary shit

>>45201454
not always. it will give the area code (wide ranging), exchange code (sectioned by og carrier and rough area). at least in canada. America has fucked up privacy laws so idk about names there. Most Canadian cell numbers are not in a phone book, and don't tend to be indexed online in any accessible way.

>>45201454
google thinks im some 90 year old woman

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it's objectively funny that, for all the many actual injustices that happen in this country and elsewhere, the one time people here actually decide to hold a huge protest that brings the city to a halt and disrupts transport etc is to be like "pleasepleaseplease PLEASE let me pay TV and radio licence fees please i want to pay licence fees don't abolish them" HAHAHA braindead. this is neoliberalism according to that snarky anon who asked if i regret the velvet revolution btw. anyway good morning ventgen.

I used to be a total loser chud outcast guy who stayed inside watching movies, playing video games, jerking off to alleviate dysphoria, and being a terminally online loser.
I am now a random white queer woman with a really good degree, a solid public persona, active social life, and a solid film career on the rise. Just scored a position on the set of a genuine feature production. Get attention from cis queer women.
I feel like I have conned everyone in every conceivable way, and eventually all the lies about who I am will come spilling out. I've convinced everyone who knew that guy that he is dead, or deny I ever was him. But in reality I am still him. I feel like I haven't actually done anything to earn what I have, and at any moment, the truth will be revealed. Like I'm larping as this girl who's got it together and is on a path to success. I'm lying to everyone. People like me don't become this.

>>45201480
If it's Czechia you're talking about it's such a hit or miss with everything
I was able to change my legal gender here recently cause of a new law that made it so you don't to undergo surgery to do so, but at the same time the sexologist I went to at first was Satan himself

This nation never fails to surprise me with how everything is either shit or just... okay

>>45201573
>If it's Czechia you're talking about it's such a hit or miss with everything
přesně tak.
>at the same time the sexologist I went to at first was Satan himself
no myslím že vím o kom mluvíš LOL ten pan patří do vězení.

>>45201649
I was in Fakultní Nemocnice in Olomouc originally and one session made me scared enough of any other sexologist that I decided to go straight to DIY and not even bother trying to get a prescription

I've had another sexologist over a year later in the same city though that was the complete opposite, all I needed was to get a GD diagnosis and I got hooked up with prescription HRT + Progesterone, and I was not under-dosed like I expected either

Again, just a giant fucking hit or miss l

>>45201743
ty vole people in fucking olomouc are getting better public trans healthcare than we do here in praha HAHAHA fuck my life. good to know though, i've been DIY for many years already but i've been looking into getting SRS in thailand and i need endocrinologist and sexologist letters soooo i kinda need to go official at least momentarily.

does anyone else take drugs and realize how retarded you normally are then wonder how the fuck you thought it'd be acceptable to become a troon? like i'm insane for being "transgender", this is not normal or okay

i dont think its unacceptable i just think existence is kind of ridiculous already and its a bit extra on top of that. i also forget so ill be walking around and ill see some trans panic propaganda and then ill be like wait a second thats me

>>45201821
I get bits of extreme dysphoria, specially after waking up from a night of smoking, I can clearly see all my male features, then I go back to the usual delusion.

>>45201779
It's like one of the few in the country that have been recommended by other Trans people and I was lucky enough to live close by.
If you're having issues it might genuinely be worth it to travel here, but I dunno if he'll accept people that are from out of the region.
I could maybe ask him personally if it would be something you'd want to consider in case you're having bad luck in Prague

>>45173902
why did i have to be so tall in my only life? I'm 18 and 6'5", what did I do in a past life to be cursed with this? I have panic attacks almost daily because of how tall I am and the fact I can never change it without doing something megatarded like cutting my legs off which i would never do. how could I ever fathom transitioning if it'll just nuke my life and i'll have no chance of ever passing? it doesn't help I have uggo phenotype too. im so jealous of men who weren't uberraped by their puberty and were able to not become testosterone monstrosities

my height is literally ruining my life. i havent gone out to class in nearly a month because I can't bear seeing myself tower over others. i feel like im a threat to everyone by just existing. i dont want people to be scared of me.

>>45201847
>It's like one of the few in the country that have been recommended by other Trans people and I was lucky enough to live close by.
yeah i should try to get in touch with the community more because idek who people go to these days, if it's changed or improved at all. being DIY stealthoid etc etc is cool and all but a time always comes when you need advice from other trans people.
>I could maybe ask him personally if it would be something you'd want to consider in case you're having bad luck in Prague
nemusíš, thanks anyway though for offering. i'll look into it when the time comes. i haven't really looked into it that much but from my initial research it seems hard to avoid going to weiss which i refuse to lol

>>45201845
yeah it's like i have a hidden regular human mindset

>>45201899
Fair, fair, you can probably find a Prague based community that can help you out with finding someone who's not a complete POS

Also, telling sexologists that you are taking DIY can both help and harm you. For me personally, telling the new one that I'm doing DIY and wanted to switch made him skip a lot of the usual stuff cause he was like "Since you're doing it regardless and do not plan on stopping, I'll just help you do it safely", but it also prevented me from getting access to ADHD meds cause I was stupid enough to tell my psychiatrist

Good luck with it though. Also IIRC the new law is that you have to be under the care of a sexologist for around 6 months and you can then change your legal sex, so if you find one you could get that too if you haven't yet

I'm so sick of spending my days and my life being completely terrified of everything

>>45201988
thanks for the advice! i got really lucky with the legal gender change because i'm a dual national (born abroad, later moved back) and my other nationality is in the EU and was among the first countries to have full self-ID. i was able to apply through their embassy to get a new passport and birth cert and then all i had to do was apply to the zvláštní matrika to have my gender change from there recognised here. really rare and fortunate situation icl.

>>45202067
Hey, that's good then ^^
Always nice to luck out on something you didn't expect. Good luck with the rest of the stuff you have to go through then <3

>>45201851
come on nobody is scared of you
don’t skip classes it will only make you feel worse!

>been in relationship with boyfriend for 2 years
>we met at a time where I was happy and at peace with my sexuality
>feel conflicted lately and a bit religious
>older brother and I start connecting, he has 2 kids now, but somehow we got drunk and he confessed he wishes he ended up like with a man like me
Can we just swap places?

>>45173902
I had sex with my daughter (trans), honestly I don't fucking care anymore. My wife hasn't been putting out and my daughter was giving hints she wanted to fuck. My only problem is that she might slip up and tell her mom and I'll end up getting divorce raped. It's just casual, no emotions attached (she has a boyfriend).

Probably no one will see this anyways.

>>45203265
I am this guy's daughter and I can confirm that this is true

>>45203274
Just my fucking luck, I thought this thread was dead but fuck it, lol

no regrets

>>45203290
I'm going to tell mom

>>45203341
That's the only thing that worries me, if she finds out my life will be ruined.

you've made it really clear with your choices and actions that you never cared about me and were never serious about anything you ever said to me, especially all of that bullshit about forgiveness and moving on since you obviously can't or just don't want to

why should I believe anything you say? why did I? is this why you never believed anything I said and refused to give me the benefit of the doubt? I was sincere and took you at face value and this is what I get

I've just finished Circus Arc from Black Butler yesterday so I'm at only 1/4th of the story but I find Ciel and Sebastian to be really well written, Ciel as a complex victim who tries to convince himself that he is stronger than he truly is, and Sebastian as a person whose abusive relationship with Ciel is ambiguous and deconstructed (unlike in most stories written by men like Nier Automata and Rain Code where abusive relationships are unambiguously romanticized and never deconstructed). Once again I'm only at 1/4th of the story so I really look into reading what's to come
I also really relate to Ciel, he is really becoming my kin, and I understand why she picked Sebaciel

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I'm tired of being someone who waits for life to happen to them. It worked when I was younger but I clearly ran out of luck.

whenever i get drunk and look at myself in the mirror i feel like killing myself

>>45203755
what do you want forgiveness for?

So, my roomate told me someone asked her if she was my mom, we are the same age, she thought that would make me ecstatic but now I feel like the 36 year old male model that looks 17.

>>45204627
Actually she's older exactly one year older, but still.

>>45201851
haha ikr same except im twice your age. repping kinda nuked my life anyway. i guess the only thing i can say for sure is some gay shit like being myself despite not passing feels more tolerable than living a lie. you can just walk away from transphobes but you have to live with yourself every day. also i was way cuter at 18 than i thought. bdd brainworms are fr

>>45204627
>someone asked her if she was my mom,
>now I feel like the 36 year old male model that looks 17
they called your roommate old?

>>45204790
She doesn't look old either, so I don't know why they asked her that, I think they were either making fun of me or her.

I don't really care for this dom shit but she loves it so I do it for her. It can get tiring at times

>>45204448
it doesn't matter, she hates me and I think she's seeing someone else already

>>45204627
>now I feel like the 36 year old male model that looks 17.
You feel like a 50 year old who looks that age?

>>45204972
I feel like a 36 year old that looks like a 36 year old but people make fun of me for the way I look and dress and think I want to look younger.

>>45204986
Oh fuck, same. I genuinely enjoy presenting like that but some people might think I'm like that Buscemi meme.

i am okay, the air is just heavy today.
i am okay, the air is just heavy today.
i am okay, the air is just heavy today.

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>>45193352 (me again)
man i hate my company sometimes lol the director was stomping around the office roaring at people again today. one of the cis women started talking a bit too loudly and laughing and he started screaming her name and then got up and fucking stormed towards her and told her to shut up sksksk it was surreal. what's up with this dark ages management style lmao it creates such a shit atmosphere in the office. thank fuck i'm working from home until friday. i really need to find a new job but i already made a lateral move to escape an even more toxic company (and for better pay and benefits tbf) in coming to this one and i don't feel i'm experienced enough to move to an actual higher position yet.

waiting around for something completely out of my control that I already know I'll never have

This might be my breaking point
I will just embrace the void

https://youtu.be/YvQ6TTyrXIw&t=78

i hate that i cant stop thinking

ftm no years on t. somehow (barely) manage to stealth my way thru high school. on my final year of waiting for hrt prescription after it getting pushed forward for the past 6 years of my life. estrogen raped my body and i'm gonna be going into uni as a deformed sexually dimorphic girlyboy hefab pooner thing instead of a real man.

I don't think about you at all.
I wish I could say that, but I'm here... so clearly that's not true.
The truth is I think about you every single day.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD

>>45208646
same
I hate it so much

>>45208646
>>45208886
They will only leave if you give them a good reason to

>>45208906
YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW THAT AND REPLAY IT EVERY DAY IN MY HEAD?
GOD I WANT TO GO BACK AND BEAT MYSELF TO DEATH AND DO EVERYTHING RIGHT

>>45208915
WHY DO YOU WANT TO BEAT YOURSELF TO DEATH?
WHY ARE YOU YELLING? WHY ARE WE YELLING?

>>45208979
BECAUSE I'M A STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT THAT MESSED EVERYTHING UP

>>45209069
You aren't stupid or a pos, saying that won't help you learn from the past. What went wrong?

>>45209093
I keep ruining everything good that comes into my life because i'm an unlovable fucking idiot

>>45209069
>>45209109
IS THAT SO? ARE YOU ME? NO? THEN SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!

>>45209109
Is it too late to fix those things? Even some of them? You can always change if you know what you're doing wrong

it's too late to fix anything I ruin everything

>>45209140
I don't believe you and holding on to that attitude will become a self-fulfilling prophecy

>>45209156
TRUE!
>>45209121
IT'S NEVER REALLY OVER
>>45209140
IT'S NEVER REALLY OVER

>>45209121
i'm the anon you replied to, I feel like the bridges are already burned.....

>>45209186
I've had people do this to me and if they apologized and wanted to build the bridge again I would in a heartbeat, maybe it would be the same for your people.

IT'S ALWAYS COMPLETELY OVER THERE IS NO HOPE

>>45209140
SAME

>>45209211
I don't think it's possible after getting ghosted and blocked....

>>45209216
DELUDE YOURSELF INTO THINKING THINGS WILL BE BETTER?

>>45209283
how
they can't
things can literally only get worse from here on out
ther eis no hope and never was