The algorithm is shoving detransition and transphobic content onto me, no matter how many channels I block, and it's just so tiring. That's the point, obviously... but holy fuck is it so god damn irritating. I'm a repressor. I can't detransition, because I never transitioned. I watch pro-trans content in a sad attempt to live vicariously through others, and to imagine for a moment the life which I might have had.

>>45289531
I offhandedly mentioned the possibility of getting bottom surgery (nerve preserving nullo) in the future and my cis girlfriend got emotional, started crying and talked about how she likes how we have sex and couldn't imagine that otherwise when I asked what was wrong. FMSTL, she always supports me otherwise and very clearly shows that she doesn't see me as male, even though I am a deeply closeted moder. I cant imagine a life without her, I wouldn't be were I am today without her, she is my stability and love, but this really made me doubt if she really understands and loves me like I am. I feel like I cannot talk to anyone in my life about that, I don't want my tranny friends to hate her, but I am also scared to know her how she truly sees me, now. It really hurts, I thought she understood. Feeling expendable again and like I cannot be loved as anything but the man I appear/present as. I thought she was different.

Maybe I should just throw my life away, break up, troon out and get into a dysfunctional tranny relationship, at least that way someone would get me, or alternatively full on detransition and see how long I can make it as a guy

>>45291890
I understand exactly how you feel since I'm in the same boat. She views your transition as a selfish act and her part in your relationship as a sacrifice, even if it's unintentional or unconscious.

my only regret is that i wasnt mean enough to you

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>>45292042
what'd they do to you?

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The loneliness keeps getting worse and worse and I'm losing more people while being unable to make new connections, so my mental state gets even worse, making it harder to have people stick around
I think I am just fundamentally unlikable unless I mask hard enough

>>45292019
maybe it is. I feel "people" like me were>>45292019
supposed to violently burn out, be alcoholics and end up dying in a war, not slowly fade out while being a burden to society

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I'm extremely lonely. I have some online friends, but we only play together occasionally. I tried to make new friends but it just never works out. Maybe it's my anxiety sabotaging any connection I'm trying to make. Maybe I'm just not interesting or fun to be around. No one asks about me or initiates contact. I don't think anyone will miss me when I'm gone

i am a veru sane individjal

>>45292068
nothing, i don't think. they were just a spineless bitch who i realised talking to was a huge waste of time. they also reminded me of my ex thanks to how passive they were which only made me resent them more

>>45292269
what would being more mean to them do for you?

i wish i could be prettier for the guy i like, my voice is masculine, my face is masculine, i don't have much hair, and my personality has been destroyed by being socialized as male for most of my life.

I feel like youtube always recommends this music video my ex showed me when I'm already feeling shit enough, I haven't even listened to it in ages

i ended an otherwise happy relationship for a few reasons, but the most prevailing being that this guy i've had a crush on for years won't leave my mind. i feel so fucking stupid and hopeless for thinking there is any kind of chance a relationship between me and him could even work. i don't even think he is interested in trans women anyway. all it's left me is more loneliness than ever

i'm so retarded

>>45292410
nothing. but eh, it's too late to apologize or insult them so it doesn't matter that much anymore

>>45289531
how tf is drowning real? lol just drink the water nigga

u were my best friend for like 2 years but idk if we're compatible anymore. i feel like we've finally drifted apart. like two ships in the night. if it is over. im grateful for the time ive had with you

>>45294299
I wish my former friend had the guts to say this to my face

>>45294464
how long did you know each other?

>>45294299
what made you drift apart? one big event, or a bunch of little ones?

>>45294518
Since 2019. She's been slowly ghosting me for longer and longer periods over the last 1-2 years, she hasn't said a word now in over a month

>>45289531
jeez finally. i dont even remember what i was gonna vent about yesterday.

i think its decided. i cry whenever im tired and hungry. and that includes physically. if i try to do stuff for like more than 4 hours without stopping for like 5 minutes to sit down and eat something theres a huge chance ill crash out and cry about the very first thing that sets me off or if i go long enough pretty much nothing at all.

so today i skipped breakfast and continued my streak of not doing anything i would not do otherwise in the presence of any limerant crushes.

except maybe its not limerance. technically yuou arent supposed to have more than one. maybe its ai psychosis and grokseek tricked me into thinking its bad. maybe the youtuber that said LO can tell when you act weird around them freaked me out too much.

i liked it better when i didnt think it was possible that they could notice. but i think i am also more comfortable with that possibility closed. but i dont like feeling like a guilty creep or like im doing something wrong.

this is stressing me out. it should be illegal to be that cute. and whats worse is shes getting cuter! im going to die from being nervous. i cant take it

>>45294547
i took a month break from the internet and returned and idk. i feel like she just kept getting better and better mentally and ive still been homeless and miserable. its hard to even have conversations cuz she'll talk about her regular life and its miles ahead compared to mine.
im not like opposed to having someone live a better life than me its just. its affecting her. my misery is affecting her. my jealousy my anger. i dont want that. shes doing so well. all i will bring is venting about my life. and then. be like a sub par therapist for her life which is so foreign to mine. and its not like she can even help me with my problems shes not a very good comforter. when we first met we had just started transitoning and we were both kinda unhappy and. idk. us against the world.
im probably over reacting. shes truly the best friend like person EVER in my life. ill stick it out for another month and if i still feel like. idk its unrecoverable. its like that saying the easiest way to make someone stop loving you is to hate yourself.

omg why did i type all this out sunk cost fallacy literally no1 is reading this. PLEASE kill me

>>45294967
>omg why did i type all this out sunk cost fallacy literally no1 is reading this. PLEASE kill me
hahhaaha same. release me me from this mortal coil and end my suffering already. this fucking torment. but not really.

making me a faggot and lonely. cant it just be one or the other. i thought sin was supposed to be more fun

it is kind of comforting though, to know that at the end i will be dead so i cant be embarrassed anymore. unfortunately i havent figured out how to use that as fuel to like make decisions or anything

>>45295065
i've been in your place before. the starting transitioning together, being there for each other when we had no one else, the eventual drifting and seeing her life get better and better when i was facing homelessness. i got out of this by reaching out to friends, knowing who was there to listen, and reciprocating friendships and relationships when it was right to reciprocate, and even that was a giant fucking struggle. it took years after we had drifted. but i was able to carve a good place now. i was even able to kindle some sort of friendship with her, even when a few years ago, i hated her, and the people she found herself with. ultimately, if i'm able to do this, so can you. i'm not saying you gotta fix everything at once, cause it took a while for me to do so with my problems. but you need to work out short-term solutions that will add up to long-term ones. maybe you can reach out to her once in a while, but if she's anything like my case, and i really hope she isn't; it's best to focus on other things for now, and look towards those who can handle you.

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ive only been on diy hrt for a year but im considering stopping my injections
i am poor, ugly, and 30
i dont have any support
i am alone
i live in a country that is not kind to trans people
whether its systemic oppression or majority of population disapproving or gender affirming care
my skin is fucked up, my teeth arent doing so well, my body is ugly, full of cuts, and loose skin from back when i was overweight as a young adult
for most of my 20s i completely gave up and didnt take care of myself
i was just waiting for the day when i finally pull the plug on myself, but it never came
i just survived, through homelessness, through manic bpd, through family disowning me
i dont know what else to do, i know i will never truly be a woman, nobody will ever love me, nobody will ever want me
i guess thats all

>>45295654
*of gender affirming care

I really don't believe my gf loves me. She's one of the most shallow uncaring people I've known, which contrasts with the honeymoon phase where she acted the total opposite. I'm stuck living with her and reliant on her because I cannot find work and my physical health is shit. I feel like I need to end it before it gets worse, I have so much resentment for her and the things she says and does. But I'm terrified she will cut me off, and it would be so hard trying to share a bedroom with her as she would no doubt rub it in how easily she would find someone else to date. She already hurts me enough without even trying, I'm scared to know what it would be like with her no longer even pretending to care about me.

I keep having these fantasies of turning down a girl when she finally confesses her feelings for me but the reality is that she has already turned me down dozens of times so I'm not sure what the fuck my brain is doing and I feel like I should kill myself

>>45291890
>>45292019
I know the feeling. My cis gf doesn't want me to get FFS because "you don't need it," "dysmorphia," "you shouldn't conform to beauty standards," and "I like your face the way it is." It's genuinely infuriating. I hate the way I look so much and she just handwaves away the pain with some woke transphobia radfem-adjacent bs. Kill me now!

bump

>>45295069
ugh replied to the wrong fucking post. my bad

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fuck me so much i neglected an opportunity for 5 months and now its over and i cant do anything about it. it was right at my fingertips and now i cant do anything. im so useless and lazy and slothful and shit why why why my parents were telling me to take advantage of it and i didnt listen. theyre still telling me to they dont know its over now. theyre gonna kill when they find out i just let it slip right from my hands
i dont think im ready to be an adult. i dont think im capable of ever being an adult. i should just rope. but i probably will never rope because that would require doing something and i never do anything im constantly in this comatose state. thats why i never did anything about that opportunity. i wish i could be struck by lightning and die on the spot

i only think about doing stuff but i never do what i think of doing. the epitome of pusillanimity

>>45291890
>Moder
>Cis gf
>Piv sex and she loves my cock
Kys retard

i want to stop looking back

>>45291890
>started crying and talked about how she likes how we have sex
as in, the particular way?
>and couldn't imagine that otherwise
again,same?
does she just not understand or did you say you dont want to have any sex ever again i cant tell if thats implied or not

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I really like seeing Ciel bully Sebastian, it makes me feel like I'm bullying my groomer myself

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>>45289531
Hugboxy friends have accepted calling me by my chosen name, so I figured it would be worth trying to ask my family to do it as well. It went very poorly. I have been so self-centered and in my own little world that I deluded myself into thinking that maybe the people around me would start coming around and accepting my transition. In reality it's just something they're tolerating while hoping that I'll eventually come to my senses and give up.
I did not handle this well, and got blackout drunk on a weekday. At least I can't risk losing peoples' respect for me if they don't respect me in the first place.

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>>45298090

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>>45298090
>>45298102

useless faggot award
im sorry for never doing anything and allowing myself to give in to inertia

>>45298090
Another retard

>>45298204
>Somehow gets mad at a vent post in the vent gen
You're the only retard here

>>45297808
this is exacerbated by the fact that i have no one to talk to about this. i have virtually no friends to talk about anything as a matter of fact. i dont know if a 50-smthn y/o professor who only remembers my name out of politeness could count as my friend

>>45298320
but the thing is i dont even talk with them. i barely open my mouth at all. i dont even text people i just send text into an anonymous see from time to time. i reckon having to interact with a name would do me some good

i want to go out to buy a utility knife but i dont know where i can buy a utility knife around here and i have noone to ask and if i managed to find somewhere to buy it the reason for my purchase would be instantly evident for whoevers at the counter and it would be very awkward and i worry theyd refuse to sell it to me. i know i could buy some other stuff along with it to make try and make it not look that bad but it will always look that bad cus i look like a depressed faggot and just the thought of spending money on something frightens me or weakens me or something im so weak i cant even buy a razor to sh with i used to sh with sharpener blades but even buying sharpeners makes me worry that the cashier will know why im buying them

Would killing myself by cutting my wrists with a razor blade be too painful? Is drinking alcohol a good enough "anesthesia"?

>>45297823
good word

ive realized that whenever i feel down or purposeless i get a strong urge to read the bible or about religion despite being a total unbeliever

>>45298548
pusillanimity really is a great word, simple yet accurate. its a shame people dont use it that much, but maybe if they did it wouldnt be so useful then. people use magnanimous as basically a synonym for good or virtuous
i love that it literally means "having a little soul"

we knew each other for only a few months and dated for less than that. i am grateful you were around, and i am a retarded coward since you dumped me. i really did enjoy spending my time with you, sorry i didn't measure up in the end. sucks we shared a lot of interests, i may have to see you again. i hope you're happier now. i'll keep going with my own life.

I hope you're doing okay
I really wish we could see each other and just talk about how life has been going and share a meal together without all the drama

not only do your actions have consequences
your inaction also has consequences
and im as inactive as can be

>>45299485
That sounds so nice...

>gf asks me to open up more and assures that I can share anything
>do
>leaves me for needing support

maybe next time I just cut myself first and skip the schizhumiliationship

Beep

i'm probably too stupid to hang myself correctly

i think people that eat meat but have moral concerns around eating veal are retarded.

i think im retarded
i basically became a vegan because i was too lazy to buy meat

too jewish to buy meat

I'd still take you back dummy

I'm too socially retarted to connect with people beyond friendship.

im too socially retarded to even reach friendship
im like that mutant thing from goonies except noone ever comes to my cell

>>45304225
That's bleak. Do you try to socialize or just sit inside?

>>45304244
i actively avoid socialization because im scared of names and faces

>>45304252
Do you think you can get over that fear? if you can, making friends with people over shared interests is not too hard.

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I keep having the same dream where i'm locked in a dark musty room surrounded by rotting flesh. A tall 7 foot man usually grabs me by the neck and flails me around, but i'm not scared. I don't really know what it means.

cisf-chasers with bpd are the worst

>>45305435
Dating a cisf chaser with bpd (she's been through DBT). It's a bit of a rollercoaster but Im loving it.