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To the tune of ‘The Vicar of Bray’.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piUDIr97xcY

1. In late childhood’s innocent days,
When I had no commitments;
An Evangelical I was,
And so I gave my two cents.
To all my Facebook friends I’d post,
‘Church should be bare bones only,
Be Non-Denominational,
TED talks and rock bands for me’.
(Chorus:)
And this is the truth, I’ll say again
Until I meet the good Lord,
That whatsoever creed shall wane,
I’ll be a member of Discord!
2. When I started high school at twelve,
Latin Mass grew in fashion;
My ‘baptism’ I so did shelve,
As one non-trinitar-yan:
‘Submit to Rome’, I’d Tradcath tweet,
They call’d me a contrar-yan,
I held true all Popes since Saint Pete,
And ev’ry dogma Mar-yan!
[Chorus]
3. When adolescence b’sieged my brow,
I watch’d on YouTube a list,
With this new trend the last I vow,
And turn’d Fundamentalist:
I nam’d the ‘Pope’ the Antichrist,
‘Scripture alone’, I’d insist,
‘Se’en “Sacraments” weren’t taught by Christ’,
I’s rebaptis’d as Baptist.
[Chorus]
4. When this young man became a teen
One Church was growing in flocks,
From TikTok vids I had seen,
And I’s baptis’d Orthodox:
‘Anathema to heretics!’,
I curs’d the Filioque,
And thought the Church ne’er did once change,
For none but us were Christians.
[Chorus]
5. When at age of majority,
And Gen-Z’s to be redeem’d, brah,
My Instagram reels convinc’d me,
‘Join Mainline Reconquista’:
I thus obey’d pastors queer,
‘Normative authority’,
All Evangelicals I’d smear
As schismatics unholy!
[Chorus]
6. Then after Orthodox, Cath’lic,
And Protestant succession,
My years of high school were o’er quick,
I’ll start my own religion:
For in my faith, and loyalty,
I’s never once in error,
Mine, the one, true Church shall be,
And I, the standard-bearer!
[Chorus]