>[Countdown to requirements reveal]
https://countingdownto.com/?c=7165149

bump

File: Race_start,_Snetterton,_a(...).jpg (79 KB, 640x432)

79 KB JPG

~Requirements~

Character: Re-learns a skill.

Theme: Uncertainty.

>[Countdown to submission deadline]
https://countingdownto.com/?c=7168028

This month's theme is: redemption.
Your story must include: a chess set.

Get writing!

>>25323078
>>25323080
which one do I believe...it's over...

>>25323747
>channeling the theme this well

bump

bump

bump

bump

bump

>>25323078
https://rentry.co/xhctkpyp

>>25330181
Thank you for submitting! And—now that time’s up—winning!
I’ll write a critique for your story soon, but it only seems fair if I ask you how things should next proceed…
Would you like to give up your victory, and have the submission deadline extended, so this might actually be a competition?
Or, do you want to put this month’s /lwc/ out of its misery, and call it here? (There’s no guarentee of more submissions if the deadline is extended.)
Either way, I’ll still give you your deserved critique.

>>25330217
It's lonely on this throne. But you might have a better chance with a new prompt. So let a new one come.

Better late than never
https://rentry.co/Quick_Question

File: Fairport,_Ohio,_boat_cras(...).jpg (171 KB, 1280x960)

171 KB JPG

>>25330181
>She either patiently or impatiently watches…He can’t tell…
Emphatically, put the adverbs first:
“Patiently or impatiently, she watches…”
>finagle with buttons and levers.
I’m pretty sure you mean “fiddle.”

>"Now this /has/ to be for the engine," he remarks
“remarks” is too neutral a say-word.
The italics and his self-assuredness deserve something more pompous/exasperated, like “concludes” or “promises.”

>He shuts the compartment close
“closed”

>…she crosses her arms.
>"Do you just want to call Jim?" she asks.
Between—or after—these two lines, add this one:
“Impatiently.” (or “Definitely impatiently.”)
It’s hard to think of a more emascualting question to get asked by your girlfriend, but Ben’s response is gold in how little it phases him.

>"No, no, it's fine. He's probably earning his promotion in front of the Board right now." The wheel's still stuck. The sun's about to kiss the horizon over the shimmering lake. It would be a perfect autumn evening, as long as he could get the damn motor running.
Throughout, the voices of the characters and of the narrator sound the same.
See how the contractions persist? How the narrator uses “damn,” as if they are as emotionally invested as the MC is?
You’re turning this detatched observer into a completely supurflous character.
When you don’t differentiate them, you’re not just hurting the narrator, but the characters too, whose perspectives they’re stepping on.
Like, later on, wouldn’t this line
>They're boating on the lake!
be so much funnier if instead it’s in Ben’s head?—“/We’re boating on the lake!/ thinks Ben.”
Your angle for comedy here is this:
A matter-of-fact narrator describing what’s happening. This allows the characters and—most importantly—the reader, to be the ones who react.
So ditch the narrator’s contractions, and swap their more colloquial expressions with sharper words, like
•“as long as…” with “provided…”
•“pearly whites” with “smile”
•“gets the courage” with “musters…”
•“flipped completely upside down” with “completely capsized.”
Especially in short pieces, stark differences in voice are key, not only from character to character, but from characters to narrator.

>the boat key
>inserting them into the obvious slot
“inserting it” ?

>He lowers it in over ten awkward seconds.
“After 10 awkward seconds, he lowers it.”
(You used Arabic numeral “16” & "45" elsewhere.)

>But he resummons a swagger,
“his swagger”
The confidence he owns is so unique.

>45 miles per hour.
“knots” if we’re talking boat speed, but I guess this kinda works because ‘it’s just like a car,’ right?

>they look at their borrowed vessel
“Jim’s vessel” ?
I guess he could use that promotion to afford all this.

>>25330181
>>25330926
Pretty solid short story. Very charming.
>At least it didn't sink.
Like, I love his optimism.

>Ben pull[s] out the boat key from his pocket.
I would have been mortified after this point, but he’s just so happy to find a solution that his ineptitude is instantly dispelled.
Every failure is simply “blasted away” by his success…or by his exhaustion of options…or by Elain telling him something.
Of course, not having your failures stick with you isn’t always a good thing—the second he gets the boat going, he goldfish-memories the fateful blunder he had at 16 (the same one he was just ruminating on.)
>"I used to know it like the back of my hand,"
While he “sunk [the first boat] on [his] first try,” he probably spent years on his dad’s(?) boat as a passenger.
I kind of doubt a guy like Ben even really knows the back of his hand though.

>But you might have a better chance with a new prompt. So let a new one come.
Are you telling me to come up with a new prompt right now? And put a Friday deadline on it?
Or does “let a new one come” mean let’s wait for next month?

>>25330181
Wanted to say I liked this quite a bit. Something always gets in the way of the inevitable crash, and the minor successes are almost enough to make me think it might work out in the end, then even the expected crash is turned into something else. Really nice.

I'll go against what was said in the other crit, and suggest that you'd be better off if you dropped stuff like
>he remarks
>he murmurs to himself
>he shouts victoriously
since all the dialogue itself already makes these points. The first is already a remark. The second already implies a murmur. The shout (with exclamation mark!) is already victorious. Be sparing when describing the dialogue like this, since it can burden the piece. It's a very different style, but still comedic, so I'd recommend you this reading from James Tate that was recommended to me way back on here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPJTXOMHTk4
and suggest you pay attention to his way of writing dialogue.

Another critique I'll counterpoint is making the narrator more distinct from Ben. The narrator seemed implicitly to be in on Ben's thoughts, and it helped me feel carried away with Ben's enthusiasm in a way that defied the true circumstances, and sets up the ending better. Elaine is already the doubting counterbalance, and I think it's better that the narrator support Ben's position rather than undercutting it. Too much doubt and the story is more pathetic than comedic.

Small things that could be tidied up, like
>She double-takes behind her
to
>She double-takes
or dropping
>The boat was still tied to the dock
to leave it implicit in the rest of the description (think that this might allow you to move forward faster and keep Ben's enthusiastic momentum).


If you want more prompts, go to >>25314871 and write something within the size of a post. Good practice for being concise and economical with language.

>>25330926
>>25330936
>>25331359
Thank you for all the thorough, positive feedback. Sometimes you go without any for so long that you doubt if anyone could simply enjoy a story you make anymore. I threw this together in about an hour, and I think the deadline is what actually made me type anything.

In regards to a new competition, it's whatever you think is best, as long as you allow it to move on. If I'm rewarded with commentary like this, I can't think of any reasons not to participate again.

I made most of the prompts in >>25314871 . Perhaps I should kickstart it again with a fiction or two.