what a surprisewhen i saw that photoa picture of your face on the telephone polea private eyeinformation wantedi had no idealots of kidshang out around hereme included but not as much at night, every nightare lawyers really that bad?it seems she misses youmaybe it was a disorderor maybethe apple just didn't fall farfrom the treeall I know is that personallymy dreamwhen youngerwas to live inManhattanbut for youit was Baltimore Ave?always running into you randomlycoming out of nowhere, an argumentyou were just likeHimElijahand i loved ragging on you but just because i didn't let youuse my washerdidn't meani didn't like you you had beady eyes and I liked my bicycleyou really had touse the wordmisanthrope?i told you to get a jobbecause i knew this life would catch up with youi guessit did
Titled - ElijahAm I doing this right?
>>25334495Knock off the all lowercase bullshitIt sucks in comparison to Milton or Shelley
>>25334510How big of a stylistic choice is capitalization? Does it actually matter?Is this poem decent for an amateurs 2nd try?
>>25334526>dude le manhattan dude le lowercase dude le piningYeah nah it's fucked cunt
This is prose with line breaks. The whole point of poetry is to evoke the indescribable, to bend language to its very limits to the point of it being almost incomprehensible.If you’re going to write prose poem shit then at least focus on alliteration, meter, rhyme, whatever- the whole point of free verse was to give space for creatives to convey their imagery without restriction. Now this is just faggots wandering around parking lots and empty fields, completely oblivious to what they could be doing with all that real estate. It is wasted on you
>>25334586I mean I purposely wrote it to be flat. I wasn't trying to be expressive because I don't think the experience I was describing demanded that. But the plain spoken language I used was more American and portrayed more underneath the surface. I could describe this much more extravagently but I don't think that's what my perception of this personal experience called for. I knew someone. Had personal experiences with them. I learned in a passive way that hey died. And now I'm reflecting on personal experiences I had with them and info learned after them after the fact. What would you write?
>>25334619No the problem is you are just writing a chain of events and observations interspersed with occasional emotional insight. > what a surprise>when i saw that photo>a picture of your face>on the telephone poleThis is literally just prose, a literal statement. You aren’t deliberately trying to convey emotions or an image beyond the bare meaning of the words. Read other poetry (and I mean any poetry at this point) and you will see a distinction. There needs to be intention and purpose in what you describe or no one gives a shirt
>make thread asking for feedback>deflect and deny and cope when given feedbackNo wonder she left you LOL
>>25334484I thought that the last three stanzas were pretty nice. But I agree with the other anon to try writing without lower case.
>>25334484It's shit>>25334526>Is this poem decent for an amateurs 2nd try?It's shit
>>25334526NTA but all lowercase in poetry, to me, screams "I am a homosexual terminally online (or perhaps terminally pseudo intellectual) person with a personality disorder". I have no feelings on it beyond that.
>>25334586>Now this is just faggots wandering around parking lots and empty fields, completely oblivious to what they could be doing with all that real estatethat's just civilisation right now though. it's an empty wasteland and no ideas and no desires. and constructing faux 18th-century edifices in a parking lot is not a worthwhile idea. neither is freaking out and being incomprehensible, because there's no shared source of mysterious desire for your freakout to connect to and evoke, nor any stable frame of reference for you to shatter and distort. simple attention to ordinary language, returning to the subtle way a linebreak changes the way you read a prose sentence - that might be the best place to start on our way to discovering new aesthetic desires. >>25334484i liked the opening image. but overall i think you're writing way too much for yourself, not your readers. i'm guessing what gives the poem whatever energy it has for you is the experience behind it, not the objective words on the screen themselves. i don't have access to the experience you're describing, and i don't feel intrigued by that mysterious vagueness, just frustrated by it.my advice is to read way more poetry and work out what you like and why. also look at how poets build up larger structures of meaning across lines and stanzas, instead of just stacking fragments: the way an idea gathers momentum, reaches a high point, and then suddenly hesitates, confronts a complication, pivots, starts a new chain of thought, etc. >>25334799>I thought that the last three stanzas were pretty nice.he should've cut the very last stanza, it adds nothing but sentimentality.>>25334526>How big of a stylistic choice is capitalization? Does it actually matter?doesn't matter. go by feel.
