I wrote this "God's Monologue", please rate it.And I commanded them, saying: "Thou shalt not touch, thou shalt not taste, for great is the temptation." Yet they hearkened not unto My voice. Forbidden fruit is sweet unto them, and therein lies their guilt.I drove them forth into the open field. Thereafter I thought to purge them by toil, to burn out the lust from their hearts. But they laid their burden upon slaves, and fancied in their pride: "There is no God."I spared Noah, and with the waters I washed away the filth of beasts and of men. But that mire — within them it remained. Within.I confounded their speech, I cursed their tongues — that they should not understand one another. They raised not the tower unto heaven, but raised up hosts without number.I gave them ten lines. Simple is the Law. All learned it — yet every commandment they trampled. And now they cover themselves but with My name.I spake through the mouths of prophets. They stopped their mouths with stones, and hurled stones at them. They need a God who is dumb. Or dead.I sent My Son. He ate their bread, drank their wine and water. And they crucified Him. And knew Him not — would not know.I beheld Lamech, son of Cain. He spared not a man. He slew him for a bruise beneath the eye. And took unto himself two wives, for one was not enough for him. And he boasted before Me, vaunted himself in insolence. I did not smite him. For he is his own smiting. They are his children, they live, and know not the evil of God.And Cain built a city. He named it Enoch, after his son. There was naught therein but men. They forgot Me. They thought I saw not, and that men could do all things by themselves. They could not but obey themselves, nor cease from hearkening to their own filth.Then I fell silent. I thought: let them learn silence, as I am silent. But the silence seemed terrible unto them, and they cried out anew.I granted them knowledge. And with that gift they sought to burn themselves and their brother. All things they comprehended — but to what end, they understood not.Ever I gave them a chance: for life and for Paradise. I slew them not, but had mercy. Now I repent that I made them.The laws, the prophets, the flood, the Son, science — all was given them. Yet they could not comprehend. And now I speak for the last time...
>>25361104it's a bit too short to be a proper monologue really
>>25361121ok, maybe it just looks that way on my pc. 9/10
>>25361124thank you :3
Isn't the idea of God having a monologue in human language basically extremely blasphemous? Monologues are indicative of dynamic psychologies... I just cannot imagine how or why the inner essence of the Almighty would need to stop and work an idea out or express an emotion... it's totally bizarre and disturbing.
>>25361104I liked the angry and near archaic tone of it. The repetitive aspect is quite well made and really fits with the theme. And of course the last line has that sollemn tone that ends the whole thing quite nicely. The whole concept of it is in itself a very poetic idea, decently executed. However there are some lines that fall flat, as if you sometimes lose the rythm. For example "They need a God who is dumb" really ruins the tone with an all too modern expression. I also feel like some paragraphs are too long, so that we lose the tension. The one about Cain doesn't have the same force as the others. Basically, you should work on your rythmic ear by reading more portrait, maybe outloud.
>>25363160*poetry instead of poetry lol
>>25361104The line referencing Christ seems shoehorned since you go back to Old Testament references immediately after it. Considering moving it towards the end
>>25362176Your mind on Orthodoxy