I'm not afraid to go first.

I have no idea what to do with book two of my story.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/65889985/chapters/169736092

>>>/lit/wg/ presently >>25468799

>>25471774
post as image or excerpt in a reply or you're gay

>>25472062
/wg/ is gay

>>25472098
“I'm leaving.” Josephine said with a bark and walked back to the commune grounds, in the ruins of the hundred year-old marketplace, deserted now since the rupture of the sky.

Abby turned to the boy pinned to the tree. Her glare could make even a vampire's blood run cold.

“Abby! Look, I didn't mean anything by it. I was just hungry.”

She approached him, noting the trickle of blood coursing down the left side of his mouth.

“It wasn't even my idea. She wanted me to. Honest.”

She stepped up, taking out a bottle and placing it to his mouth.

“Wash that out. I don't want to see even a drop her right now.”

The water flowed into his mouth and he did his best to move away, as any fluid or food that passes his mouth other than fresh blood gave him an instant wretching. Then the burning started. The vampire shrieked.

“Holy water! No! It’s burns, Abby.”

“You burn me, I burn you. It’s fair darling.”

“Let me go! Please, please.”

>>25471756
>>25472098
we have /wng/ as well >>25470260

>>25472238

Yeah, I screwed up. But in my defense I the concept I had in mind would have been a combination of the two.

>>25472227
>Her glare could make even a vampire's blood run cold.
>“Holy water! No! It’s burns, Abby.”
lmao

"Just come down!"
"I can't!"
"You got up there, that means you can get down."
But he still insisted he couldn't. By then I could tell he was nervous, and that yelling at him wasn't gonna help, and that as the older brother I'd have to coax him down. I don't think Kyle was up higher than maybe ten feet---I took a swipe at one of his feet and it seemed close. If he could just slide off I'd catch him, but that just made him cling tighter.
"Aaron, I might crush you."
Of course I didn't care if he crushed me, in fact I figured he might, but at least he'd get down and we could go home even if I had to do it with a limp. The sun was going down and I didn't want mom getting mad, and I didn't want to leave him there either since it'd be dark by the time I could get anyone and come back. Kyle and I had been there lots, and even if I thought he could get down fine from the tree if he would just try, I didn't want him stuck there alone in the dark and scared. He was nine, I was eleven, and I could feel myself growing up while right then I thought Kyle was acting like a little kid. He was a lot smaller than me still. Two years when you're kids is huge. Now it's been a lot longer than two years---I guess like fifteen---since I've ever been back to that park.

My thinking was: he can get down, I just have to convince him, he just needs to stop being scared. I was almost twelve and I felt smart. I took a seat on the grass underneath him, put on a dumb smile, and said something like
"At least there's no chance you'll slip off that big fat branch."
He looked down at me. I said
"You look like one of those leopards,"
which Kyle and I had seen in a documentary that day, lounging in some tree on the Serengeti, looking impervious. Kyle had liked that. He loosened up, smirked, and let his limbs droop down with his belly comfortably suspended. He made some kind of cat noise. Then I laughed, or then he laughed, but either way we both laughed.
"What if you scoot back a bit?"
"I don't wanna break it."
"No way. That branch is fat."
I told him it hadn't moved even a bit when he climbed up, and I saw his face change before he wrapped his arms around and shook. It stayed almost perfectly still.
"Oh."
"Yeah, just scoot back. Then I'll show you where to put your feet."
I figured once he got back to the trunk he wouldn't even need me---there were so many branches it was easy, almost all the way between him and the ground. Kyle was smiling, I was smiling---feeling smart---and we'd both get home. I leaned on the trunk saying this or that branch looked good to step on while he kept on scooting back. He backed himself up to the trunk.
"Aaron?"
"I'm right here."
"I'm coming down."
Kyle was standing two hands on the trunk and his feet on the branch. He lifted one foot and went to put it down, then he slipped. I remember his shriek. He tumbled into one branch, then clear to the ground. I knew how he'd landed his neck was snapped. It was mom and dad who found us.

>>25472098
Nah, it's just that one anon in /wg/ that keeps posting gay porn.

>>25473747
No, it's just gay.

>>25473800
YOU’RE GAY!

>>25471774
>Summary:
>The sky has fallen. The sky has fallen. The sky has fallen.
>The rupture took most of the world the day that the firmament shattered, now pieces of it are everywhere. The signa flows which empower the magical whispers of the people of Farlore, on that day, overpowered and overtook the whole land, all at once. Now the ground is torn asunder into clefts where the shadows are stirring, the seas churn forgotten blights from their depths and the winds have set monsters to flight. In this world after the rupture, all that live will come upon days where tomorrow is won or lost. Farlore will soon be no more. It will overtaken by the strengthening signa flows which divined and sculpted it.
>But in this ruptured land Abby intends on filling her eyes and mind with just enough joys and sorrows to make a wonderful and worthwhile youth.
Kinda blah blah blah isn't it? With that chunky second paragraph that just kinda goes over and over about the backstory/worldbuilding. And then when we finally meet a character all we get is that she "intends on filling her eyes and mind" with "joys and sorrows." Okay, and? I mean, like, who doesn't do this? What here is supposed to make me interested in the character's journey? I skimmed a bit of the opening and I can only conclude that this weak premise has led to weak writing.

>>25473877
Narcissist take.

>>25473908
And just like that, this thread becomes more gay than /wg/.

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Not sure why my on-topic post was deleted, must've been a mistake

>Consumptive Cur is a satirical horror novel about a literary vampire.

>A new kind of vampire is on the prowl.
>Something’s wrong with Kitty, a terminally online, slobbish history buff. One random day, she loses all desire to consume—be it food, drink, or media. Things only get worse when she realizes what she must do to solve her problem: produce. A novel idea comes to her, and she writes a bit of it down, but hates each one of her sentences. How can she possibly carve her name into the history she adores with such poor skills?
>She finds her answer in the darkest corners of the internet. TB. According to real history, the disease imparts literary prowess. But infecting herself with it proves insufficient. It must spread. And not to just anybody; only to adepts of the craft. Kitty’s quest to feed on others’ literary skill takes her on a misadventure through the lives (and deaths) of a series of authors, deep into their own foul methods of obtaining talent.
>For readers’ consumptive pleasure, a strange, dark, irreverent, and bitingly funny tale awaits.
>*Contains explicit sexual content, graphic violence, and metacommentary.*

>>25473908
I know we overuse the word "protecting" but you are straight-up projecting and can't handle critique

>>25473967
>*"projecting"

>>25473967
"Kinda blah blah blah" isn't a critique its a fucking Kesha lyric. And critiquing the second segment without reflection on the first is clearly deliberate ignorance. Still, I've dealt with DARVO before and this response just reeks of the first half of it.

Besides, what's a critique that doesn't even read the work? Someone does a half ass job and I'm supposed to feel bad for calling it self indulgence when it doesn't even bother? Please. I'll respect a full reader, not a skimming narcissist. But thanks for the thread bumps!

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>>25473973
Sorry, forgot my pic.

Authors should be forced to make daily payments and public displays of gratitude to readerCHADs for the mere privilege of being permitted to try to write

>>25473973
Ngmi. Get over yourself.

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>>25473967
Oh, and also, this is the RVO part of the dickheads' DARVO.

Learn the pattern.

>>25473973
I'm only bothering to critique your lackluster premise because that's where the issue is. Don't worry, some part of you will thank me when you've majorly revised this mess and/or moved on to making something better.
"Blah blah blah" is what I might as well have read for most of the summary. All I got out of all those words is "it's the apocalypse and one girl's trying to make the most of it." But who is she? What's her je ne sais quoi that makes her her and not some other character? When are we supposed to start caring about her journey? Where in the story? Why, if you believe you know the answers to these things, aren't they made clear in the summary? How are we supposed to know?
Feel free to enlightened me on what I failed to reflect on in the "first segment." (There are three paragraphs and I didn't even mention the gimmicky first.)

>>25473978
Oh! How rude! You've been a bad poster. A shit poster, if you will.

>>25473987
Meds

>>25473993
Narcissist, you've been called out. You've given adequate response for me to know I don't need to take you seriously. Your ego will not be fed here. Go find other victims to validate you.

>>25473995
I'm just tryna help damn

>>25473996
You can't. Bye.

>>25473982
The bestest of writers are among the most voraciousest of readers.

>>25473997
Not you, silly. You're beyond help. I'm helping any burgeoning writers who happen upon this thread to help understand why they don't find your writing appealing.

>>25473973
nta but jesus fucking christ do you hear yourself when you speak or is it just a buzzing noise localized somewhere under your nose

>>25472295
This is one of the worst things I have ever read. Just awful, incompetent writing.

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I added to mine and changed it a bit based on some feedback from here. I still hate it. I have lost all confidence in my writing. It doesn't help I lost so much vocabulary and coherence from years of wagecucking and awful sleep. Which is better now but I was never that great at writing before as it was. Also this isn't meant to be some gay romance novel, but I am curious how well I am depicting this setting and if it makes sense what it is just off the beginning.

>>25474141
You're trying too hard. Batting out of your league. You don't have as firm a grasp on English as you hope to appear. Keep it simple.
>The stairs seemed even more numerous than when I'd last taken them.
*I'd taken fewer steps last time.
(That "seemed" just kills my enthusiasm terribly.)
>They wound through the dead sinews of the tree, here and there a bare window through which I could see the gulf of night.
*They coiled the withered roots. Through bare windows I could see the gulf in the night/Gulf of Night.
Not reading any more, it's a slog to get through

I guess I could post something from the big story I've been working on for a while.

>>25472295
well that was abrupt. no lead up to that

>>25474165
pretty sure most submissions are from ESLs

A personal experience I leave here for enjoyment of you and AI:

+++++++++++

One wouldn’t immediately single her out in a group. She was beautiful, but not spectacular. Relatively short, slender, brown hair and hazel eyes, and the silkiest skin I have ever cared. Smooth like wax from a burning candle, quivering under my touch… ultimately slipping away. Thinking of that sensation at my fingertips still disturbs me. Not very fond of passing trends, she was stylish in her ways and clothes. Exaggerated and theatrical reactions hid a mind that coldly reassessed the situation after each change. Selfish and duplicitous to the point her flatmates could not stand her, she clearly was aiming at something above us.

Strangely I read her quite easily. That puzzles me to this day. I even courted her. Sitting on the throne of ambiguity, she didn’t openly turn me down. As I told her after my last attempt, I believed she was expecting higher bids (but not in care and love, I suspected). And that higher bid she got. He wooed her for two years, in which all his calculated crescendo of adventures, from truck to family boat, ending with a joyride in a helicopter, were timely reported in social media. We seldom meet during that time, but when it happened, our friends were surprised I befriended her quite, to the point of almost becoming an outcast.

And then one day, bang!, hiding her sight under a light gray cap she crashes at one of our parties. Alone. The prodigal daughter is back! Rejoice! or knowing her, beware! We were both quite into drinks when she hit on me. It was late and cold in the patio, when she found me apart and sneaked by my side. I can’t recall purveying a verbal response. It was physical. I snorted a mix of rage and alcohol through all my pores. I hated having a role in her machinations, I hated the positive, yet limited, effort she put into a gesture that so easily breached our stand off, and I hated her honesty in such a dishonest matter. There was absolutely no reaction from her side besides, maybe, acknowledgement. No eyebrow raising, no uneasiness, as far as I can say. After that we coincided a couple of times and nothing had happened for us. No blame and no scars. All that puzzled me even more.

My text outputs 1.5 Alanwatts of spiritual energy

>>25471756
I read tons of books and comics but I don't write at all except when posting online.

>>25472098
>post as image or excerpt in a reply or you're gay
How about you learn to read something longer than a 2000 characters or half a page long nitwit.

>>25474009
>>25474014

The narcissist spurned is expected to lie and lash out. Don't take the bait.

>>25473877
>I didn't read it but it sucks

You say that about literally everything you "critique" in every writing thread.

Lets not pretend you aren't just a troll at this point.
One with a comically thin ego who ironically can't take criticism.

>>25473993
You don't do critique.
You troll.
Which is what you are doing right now.
Your input is detrimental to all who bother to read it.

>>25473996
No you are not.

>>25474578
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

>>25474206
Well written. No complaints about the writing at all.
Though I personally don't care for the subject matter. It ain't my thing but I could understand it being someone else's jam.

>>25474734
Nice. You ever thought of seeking traditional publication? I've read some books at the local barnes and noble bookstore that were worse than pic related.

I am an ESL. I can barely write anything creative. I wrote a movie review a while back to get started on something(before I gave up again). I was thinking of honing my skills again and want to know what people think of my writing. The film is Lars Von Triers Melancholia.

https://www.highonfilms.com/melancholia-2011-and-the-end-of-everything-exploring-depression-despair-and-the-human-condition/

How do you stop overthinking shit? I'm writing a story where the protagonist starts off with a fairly nomadic lifestyle because themes and such, it's barely a thing before they're basically isekai'd into the story proper and it no longer fucking matters. I've gathered plenty of broad anecdotes of various ways real people support themselves in such lifestyles, but I keep finding myself tunnel visioned down redundant research rabbit holes damn near writing up itineraries and running cost/income analyses as if I'm making an actual plan for myself.

>>25474805
>Yet the violent and esoteric subject matter made it unmarketable

Shame. If only you added a gay werewolf or a lesbian struggling to make ends meet to the story, I'm sure publishers would have lapped it up.

Werewolf porn horror comedy. Took 2 days to write and one more for editing. Needs a better title.

https://rentry.org/7q2af8dk

>>25474825
Needed a scene where he knots in the bitch.

>>25474840
When I get picked up by random house I'll do a sequel where she saves him from a government kill squad and their relationship deepens.

>>25474771
Nice essay. Insightful and well-written. I wouldn't have guessed you're ESL. One note I have is that somewhere in the opening you mention other media having less robust depictions of depression but don't provide any examples. Those would help.
But really good overall. Makes me want to get back into film analysis. I wrote this one based on The Master directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.

https://substack.com/home/post/p-181853985

Thots welcome

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>>25474845
>When I get picked up by random house I'll do a sequel where she saves him from a government kill squad and their relationship deepens.
What the fuck ok fine, I'll read it

>>25474809
just write it and get it over with. no one cares

>>25474809
Forget themes, backstory, worldbuilding, etc. Just make the reader want to know what happens next.

>>25474199
I'm not an ESL. I have no excuse.

>>25474165
How do I try less hard? I'm trying to undo a lot of my retarded writing patterns, both for prose and even just for normal communications.

>>25475137
Just keep it simple. Pick the more fitting word over the ten-dollar "artistic" choice (a good example is picking "roots" over "sinews" for to describe the tree parts). Figure out what needs to be in a sentence and omit all else. Maximize clarity. Minimize verbosity. Above all else, read more books.

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Title: Diary of an Incel

># Prologue
Women owe me sex.
This isn’t some misogynistic rant either. Women build their ideologies around emotional proclivities, men base them on logic and truth. The idea that a woman should be mandated by law to offer up her primary asset is not strange at all when you consider it in it’s logical form. When you strip away the emotional aspect that women cling everso tightly to, it all starts to make sense.
Women will say, “we shouldn’t have to offer up our bodies, we have a right to it,” but refuse to realize that men offer up theirs for the good of society and their ‘rights’ have nothing to do with it. The world breaks the man’s body and tosses him aside when they are done with him, but where’s our pity?
Men are the ones that die in wars. Men are the ones that work in the oil rigs. Men are the ones most likely to die at work. Men are the ones who built the infrastructure that make women so comfortable. That’s why women wanted equal rights in the first place. You didn’t see them fighting for those rights when work consisted of back-breaking labor. It was only after air-conditioning was introduced that—
“Tyler, your chicken tenders are ready!” a voice said from the door.
I closed my notebook as my mom walked in, “mom, can you at least knock?”
“Oh, I knew you weren’t jacking off, what’s the big deal?”
“It’s called privacy. And how do you know I wasn’t—you know?”
“Torquing the little worm man? It’s obvious: the door was unlocked.”
“I—” had no repsonse.
“Just hurry up and come downstairs, they’re going to get cold.”
“Okay,” I said and waited for my mom to leave before opening the notebook again.
People say that I am an incel but at this point, it’s a compliment. What sane person would ever want to copulate with these bitches anyway? Certainly not a man of my intellect. It gets lonely at the top of the IQ distribution curve, but this is my fate.
I was destined to be an incel.

># Chapter 1
Women have never looked in my direction.
They probably think my loser genes will infuse themselves into their DNA if they look at me for too long, like I’m the fucking Slenderman or something. Hell, even Slenderman would get more bitches than me. He’s nine feet tall after all, and I don’t even come close to 6’. This I’m constantly reminded of every time I open up the Chinese spyware app. The one that rhymes with dick-sock. Anyone under 6’ is basically invisible.
...

>>25475178
I almost want to root for him.

>>25474141
I'm sorry anon, but I have no idea what's going on. The opening prose is flowery enough that I wasn't even sure if it was meant to be in some sort of dream state, and then it's just wall to wall dialogue about something I have no context for.
What was the previous version?

>>25475194
Perfect!
That's exactly what I'm going for.

>>25475178
># Chapter 3
I don’t hate women.
On the contrary, it’s my fervent love for all women that fuels the passion that allows me to continue writing my memoir: On Bitches and Why Incels are Right. It’s a labour of love, you see. If I didn’t love women, why would I care? I’d leave them to their own devices, to suffer the consequences of their degeneracy and complacency; to burn in Hell for their sins rather than be christened by the truth of my words. Which is great and all, but why the fuck is the new girl being a fucking cunt right now?
“Do you mind? I have to get to class,” I said avoiding eye contact.
The new girl was blocking the stairwell with her body and is looking down on me from the first step with her arms folded. It wasn’t that I couldn’t push past her. She looks like she’s barely 90 pounds and would shrivel up like wet paper if I touched her. I just avoid touching women. They love hitting you with those rape charges just for being unattractive. It’s happened before. I tried to go around her but she just moves to block me.
I look up at her, “what are you doing?”
“You’re going to help me.”
Great, an entitled foid. A year ago I would’ve been a simp and wagged my tail asking her, “sure, miss! What-so-ever do you wish for me to do!?” but I don’t say anything and just roll my eyes instead.
“You’re going to fuck Kelly for me,” she said.
...

>>25475222
Kelly is going to be fat so the plot can THICCen.

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I like writing

>>25474809
Sounds like you need the structure of a good well thought out outline.
Sculpt out the plot, then stick to the plot points and scenes that directly move the plot forward.
Only after you do that can you go back and add stuff if the story needs it.

>>25475166
Yeah I am trying to really cut the sentences down.
>read more books
I've read hundreds and I still suck.
Do you have any passages I could read that you consider maximized sentence efficiency?
It's like I want the word count to be low, but then I need to use just the right words, but those words are often not as "simplistic"

>>25475219
It is kinda but there's so much to describe.
Basically these are half-inch-tall people living in a hollowed-out dead tree they turned into a castle, in a highway cloverleaf. I just am struggling to describe it in a way that gets across how gargantuan and foreign this stuff is to them.

Please by nice desu


The sails hold no wind;
The beaten solitary raft,
as likely to wash ashore
as it is to strand on the reefs,
merely floats.
White ripples on silver waters.

>>25475329
>Basically these are half-inch-tall people living in a hollowed-out dead tree they turned into a castle, in a highway cloverleaf.
lmao I never in a million years would have thought that's what was going on. Unless this is supposed to be some sort of twist, you definitely need to establish this clearly. Don't be coy trying to weave it into the action and dialogue, genuinely just have a passage that's like "Hello I'm a little half inch tall person, here's how it works, here's where we live, this is my story."
It's a book, not a movie, things don't have to happen "on screen", you can have big sweeping asides to just blatantly explain shit. Every time something is mentioned that the audience won't know about, try just having the narrator in an aside be like "Here's what that meant, btw"
Right now it feels so meandering, just "Character A says something, Character B responds, pointless B-Roll description of the weather to break from the dialogue, Character A says something else," we don't get their thoughts on anything, just dialogue and stage directions.

As for the simplifying issue the other anon is talking about, I agree. I'd suggest maybe trying to write a first draft of each scene that's basically purposefully dull, just to figure out what's happening, the core information being delivered, then punch up the wording afterwards.
>I've read hundreds and I still suck.
Pick something similar to what you're trying to do and study it rather than just reading it (even just the first few pages, it doesn't have to be the whole thing). Break down how it's feeding you information. I think you're missing the forest for the trees by getting hung up on wording.

Posted this a while ago. No one cared. It just came to me when I saw a bug crawling through the drain:

Yea though you crawl through the drain
Of the shower
I know the centipede shall get thee
And devour

>>25475329
I'm not going to fish for examples for you. Read some Hemingway, he's usually pretty good about that kind of thing.
Your use of the word "simplistic" is indicative of the issue. Look up its definition; you made a usage error. You should've used the simple word "simple" instead. You chose the more complex word to come off as smart but only ended up revealing your ignorance. This is what I mean by "batting out of your league."
You don't need fancy wordplay to write something compelling. Just keep it simple.

>>25475362
Yeah I feel the same about it.
I thought about writing it as a expositional and taking advantage of the first person point of view. Kind of like the start of the first Sherlock Holmes where he's just kinda describing the guy to you and recounting how he met him. I also thought of structuring it as this sort of plea from the small people toward the humans, because the plot is around them getting into a war with each other over their desperation not to be discovered by "the big folk," and so try to explain these things to the reader straight-up. But that's how I wrote it as a child, so I assumed it would be bad / retarded to do it that way.

thanks for the feedback btw

>>25475374
>You chose the more complex word to come off as smart but only ended up revealing your ignorance.
man I swear that's literally the first word that comes to mind. I don't try to do it.
I struggle to find the right word a lot of the time now and it's because I can't even find a simple one.
I couldn't stand Hemingway even though I think he is extremely based, only because when I tried to read For Whom The Bells Tolls I got sick of him talking about the "tightness in his throat" like 4 times while he was horny for the spanish woman.

But maybe I will try it again and perhaps I will like it more this time.

>>25475387
I don't know you so it's entierly possibly you have some kind of disability that prevents you from writing well. But it sounds more like you just haven't read enough to get a solid grasp on articulation.

>>25475423
I went 5 years sleeping 5 hours a night working in a factory and I swear it killed some inner spark I had, it also fucked up my ability to visualize and imagine. Now I'm a NEET who hikes, walks, bike rides, etc. and I still read now and then but it's like I don't remember things, I don't absorb information the same way I used to. I'm 32 as well so that doesn't help. Not to make excuses, just to explain.

But I will try reading For Whom The Bell Tolls again and see if it helps shift my mindset.

>>25474809
If it doesn't matter to the meat of the story at all then just axe it all and start it at the isekai. If any of it does become relevant to the story just have MC reminisce about his time as a nomad just before or at the moment it becomes relevant. It sounds like you're wasting time and procrastinating writing the actual story.

>>25472227
>"Said with a bark"
> Why not "barked"

>>25475511

Because then she goes "Ruff."

>>25474825
>all his Google searches only turned up porn, and though he did jerk off to some of it, it didn’t help his situation or really answer any of his questions.
This is art, man

>>25474825
>Three-quarters of a bottle of Jack down and still convinced he could drive safely, with two empty Hungry Man dinners on the TV tray.
What a weird opening? It sounds like he's drunk driving, but then he's sitting in front of his TV. Is he about to drive somewhere (why else is he thinking about driving, instead of employing some more relevant metaphor to describe his level of inebriation)? And is he such a hardened alcoholic that he can still drive with that much of it in his blood, or is he delusional enough to think that he could?
The sentence throws so much unnecessary ambiguity at you that it's genuinely frustrating to read. And when this is (basically) the beginning of the first paragraph (where your writing should be at its absolute best), it signals that the following text is going to be absolutely garbage.

>>25475683
I honestly don't know how to help you. It's not War and Peace. It's a straightforward joke story. I don't know how it still managed to confound you.

>>25476069
Write better

How do you learn to live with the shame of

>>25476131
Living with the same of-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GMnrr1OyLQ

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The saga of sperm and shit. Sperm: the driving force behind every man’s will and instinct. His entire being rushes toward young females in heat; the rest is secondary. From adolescence to old age, his whole self is, consciously or not, fashioned to be as desirable as possible to the female: his physique, his speech, his body language, his clothes, his career. He must impress, dazzle, and woo the woman through a thousand and one antics and acrobatics.
Fighting other males, triumphing, acting cruel, aloof, and boorish. A society destined in every respect to the male’s subjugation to the tastes and whims of women. The curse of sperm that burns from being pent up too long. Yet even the headstrong, the rebels, the wayward poets, and the zealots cannot escape the instinct to fuck. It transforms, hiding behind ever-viler, ever-more-extreme forms of depravity, but it never vanishes. Thus, life becomes a veritable race of sperm, a perpetual ejaculation forever aiming for the maternal hole, yet failing time and again. It is into this shitty tunnel that the sperm is propelled at full speed; what one hopes is a vagina turns out to be an asshole.
The vast majority of men live in such abject, shitty conditions, in those giant, reeking assholes that are the great metropolises, that they carry the stench on them. The stench of shit, of squalor. Vaginas shrink and clamp shut; legs cross. Sperm ejaculates all the same, but ends up in the trash. As a man ages, he himself, his very body, metamorphoses into a gigantic heap of shitty, festering rolls of fat. His semen turns foul-smelling, too. It is almost strange that it doesn't take on a turd-brown color.Thus, for the select few who have managed to inject their viscous jizz into the piss-stained abyss of the weaker sex, they perpetuate themselves in their offspring, who, in turn, will experience a few years of the sublime before becoming, themselves, physical and spiritual excrement.

>>25474855
You have a good understanding of The Master and can articulate your points very well. The only thing I would say is that you talk about the plot in detail which I don't think is necessary. It's just a personal pet peeve of mine. I like essays that don't spend too much time describing the plot in detail.

A monologue from the perspective of Harry Grindell Matthews
He said, I think, that though he enjoyed his time in London, he quickly found himself sick in the city and sick of the city. He said that there should not be so many people in one place, and watching them walk by on the streets was maddening, that there was never a face you saw twice. And so, he said, he had come back to the village to live again with his parents, looking after them because they were very old, pondering what he would do when they passed away, teaching at the local school in the meantime because what else was he to do? A mathematician cannot plough the fields, cannot chop up meat in the correct way, cannot sell flowers to widows and newlyweds, and so he must do the only thing he could, which was to attempt to infect, and I do believe he used the word ‘infect’, which I found strange at the time, the only thing to do was to attempt to infect others with the love of mathematics and the desire to further themselves intellectually and, in a way, spiritually. Almost immediately after telling me all this, he returned the question to me, looking at me in a similar way to before, asking ‘how come you’re here?’, and I was disarmed, I was still processing everything he had just said, and I must have had too many witty replies bouncing around my head, too many wise things to say, because I could say none of them, only ‘bankrupt’. We sat in silence for a few minutes, watching the odd child run around the streets ahead, until he asked me what I was working on. What a rarity! Any inventor or genius knows that other people are never interested, never interested unless your inventions can make them money, or help them blow up Germans, those are rare cases, yet it is a borderline unheard of occurrence for a person with no monetary or warlike motivations to ask what it is you are doing, to suffer being told something they don’t immediately understand, which has no effect on them, and it is certainly an impossible thing when the person you are talking to is a dimwit, and so in that moment I decided that the young man next to me on the bench was not a dimwit, probably not quite on my level, him being a mathematician, yet enough of a rarity in the village to be of interest. And so I told him that one day we will go into space.

>>25475363
nice. reminds me of 'snake' by dh lawrence.

>>25475645
Thanks. I know comedy's very hit or miss. I have no idea if what makes me laugh will make other people laugh.

So this place is dead, every story submission subreddit is dead, and publishers only want AI sludge pumped in.

>>25476518
You're right but my (weak) justification (which I touch on in the essay) is that many believe the film has no plot

>>25475478
hey man, you're doing great. you got some good feedback here. keep going.

Tommy always had a yearning for the inner flame of life, the oldest arts, the oldest stories, the human soul, Prometheus’ fire. He stared into it the day his Mom died and he saw it dull and smoldering, the flame snuffed out, its insides blue and gray, the taste of ash in his mouth. He wanted to be red and yellow, orange and fiery. The taste of citrus. Alexander taking Granicus. Paris taking Helen. Achilles taking Patroclus. Passion, conquest, victory.
The death of someone close to you makes you think differently, especially at a young age. Passion is just a distraction, so is conquest, and victory. All distractions from the only truth about life. Death.
What if it can be beaten though? What if you can be immortal. Your essence stripped from flesh and applied to something better. More resilient. He knew first he had to burn the flesh away in a blazing, glorious tribute to the Gods.
Tommy got a bike. A gym membership. A gun. His dad’s hunting rifle, bolt action. He’s shot it before, in the mountains, at cans and two liter bottles of soda. His favorite was the Ruby Red Squirt. It looked like blood. The flow of bubbling red from the hole in the bottle’s abdomen exploding the plastic and liquid sinking into the sun-dyed earth. Blood and dirt. Fire.
He shaved his head, He started reading. History. He would be ready when it repeated itself and that’s how he’d become immortal. His soul rendered stone and text, burning student’s eyes when they flip to his page in the textbook. The heat on a door in a burning building on his statue. A soul on fire.

>>25477441
My first instinct is to say alternating would even things out for the reader but it could work either way.

Hey listen

I think I’m funny

So why don’t you go fuck yourself?

The following pages aren’t full of errors, and the format and blank space isn’t a fuck-up either

That’s the way I did it

And you can either fuck with me, go fuck yourself, or remain celibate.

So fuck you.

The Turquoise Lord descends

>>25471756
I would appreciate feedback on this poem. I get that its cliched but I cant figure out how to improve it


Tuk-koh…Tuk-koh! The stirring geckoes cry
While shying sunlight blushes ‘cross the sky
Retreating to her home beyond the sea
She leaves behind her gleaming jewelry

Crickets, boasting, chirp of their good treasure.
Banded bullfrogs moo in louder measure,
woo wafting whisper rains to grace their homes
among the pandan fields and mossy stones

The fireflies spark their lanterns for the night
Bejeweled grasses catch their dancing light
Where fruit bats flit between banana fronds
And skip across the darkened starry ponds

Tomorrow Sunlight will return to take
the golden trinkets scattered in her wake
She’ll one by one retrieve the glittering dew
and after noon she’ll shed them all anew

>>25478281
Put it to music and sing it. All the awkward phrasing will jump out at you and also will hint you in a direction to change it for the better.

>>25478287
>put it to music and you'll realize its bad writing
Devil's Advocate's Report - Perform it as music and you might discard poetry

How do you guys plan out your story before writing?

Also when actually planning out how the characters will appear on the paper, how do you actually build out the characters and then decide how their dialogue/voice will appear like on the page?

I made a thread: >>25478256

>>25478287
Thanks, I'll try that

>>25478315
I plan most of my writing by maladaptive daydreaming during work.
I also use a really rough and general outline as a scene list/plot outline and a separate note document for random worldbuilding detail and proper noun spellings to keep such things consistent.

I probably should make character sheets for important characters but never get around to it.

Everything beyond that I grow as I go (aka "pants" or garden).
I don't plan out the nitty gritty details of the writing.

>>25478315
I write poetry

1. i pick a topic or theme like love or death or fear or something like that
2. i do what is called free writing, or what Kerouac called spontaneous prose
3. when im done free writing i take the prose and edit it to have some musicality, lineation, and just edit in general words and punctuation
4. i take what in poetry is called a "volta" which is a fancy word for shift, or turn, and do free writing again based on a new theme or topic.
5.i do the editing and mash it all together

Haven't written for a couple weeks now because of how corny this paragraph looked to me after writing it:

>This should now be a good time to describe the town where our sombre and adventurous tale of blessed and cursed persons takes place. With a few exceptions, all of our beloved friends dwell in Hacktown, located in the center of Florida, along with roughly 800 other people. Soldiers, scandalmongers, villains, great ones, politicians, dregs of society who have risen, demigods who have fallen, pleasure-seekers, whipper-snappers, and other assorted types of our great human race have lived here and made their names and erased their names. Of course, who could have known that such a small town would give birth to such an unbelievable amount of lore that even the greatest writers of their time would have had a plethora of headaches trying to make heads or tails of how to pick, craft, erase, and style stories?

File: Screenshot_20251203_154915_X.jpg (611 KB, 1079x1052)

611 KB JPG

"...We talk about “what is” for that is all there is to talk about! I cannot compromise, I cannot offer an alternative, there is but one path of truth and you shall walk it by my side or see your words
reduced to gibberish. I have heard it said that if one stands on a different planet, they could use a lever to shift this one. Yet, there is no location beyond Being where one might retreat, no externality
one might leverage to influence or alter “what is”. The dominance of Being is so complete that any supposed whisper of independence is immediately exposed as incoherent nonsense. There is no alterna-
tive to Being, no way out of this all-subsuming context of existence.

I must therefore reject the suggestion that things might be more or less real. For there is no alternative substance that might be introduced to dilute the purity of “what is”, nor burnt off to concentrate it. Wherever you point, there it is, pure and untainted. Being is well-poured and
constitutes absolutely all meaning. Whatever is possible is most assuredly necessary, for if something “can be” then it “must be”, for there is only one path where we saw it: “that it is”. That path, Being, is the omnipresent and perfect Whole..."

>>25478435
Man you have no fucking clue what you're writing about here and it shows. Oh well, all you can do is power through it and keep writing until you figure out what it is you're writing.

>>25474521
I read enough of it to find out I wouldn't enjoy it and gave you the reasons why I wasn't enjoying it. The only criticism of my criticism you've given is a complaint that I didn't peruse every one of those 50+K words you spent all that time typing. Nothing about my critique of the summary, just entitled whining.
At this point I just hope for your sake that you're trolling me. I hope you're not really this dense.

>>25478485
>>25478485
Ain't my work.
I am just pointing out that you are a troll and that no one should take what you say seriously.

Your so called critique are usually random baseless nonfalsifiable nonsense followed by your now classic closer of admitting you didn't actually read the thing.

Nothing you have to say is valid, and always said out of malice.

Not one thing you say is constructive, useful, or even on target for the thing you shit on.
You just make shit up at random, say it sucks, say you didn't read it.
And when you get negative attention or pushback you default to "curses" and projection of ill will.

>>25471756
Since /wg/ doesn't allow non-fiction

https://adolfstalin.substack.com/p/an-eristic-defense-of-god-and-faith

https://adolfstalin.substack.com/p/hume-van-til-and-the-gnostics

https://adolfstalin.substack.com/p/impulse-to-destroy-or-create

And two much earlier articles:

https://adolfstalin.substack.com/p/from-freedom-to-nihilism

https://adolfstalin.substack.com/p/ideology-as-faith-doctrine-as-its

>>25478540
Since my criticism isn't nonsense I can only assume my writing is too abstruse for you. Sorry? But to prove my good faith, I'll rephrase my critiques of the summary (which I've read) in clearer terms.
>It's boring.
>The second paragraph uses a lot of sentences to convey little.
>Too much focus is placed on the backstory/worldbuilding.
>The character and her journey isn't strongly defined.
>It fails to get me intrigued.
It feels underdeveloped to me, like you never figured out what the story is and so just wrote a series of events. As for the main text, all I said (and all I could say based on what little I read) is:
>The opening feels aimless and dull and doesn't make me want to continue.
p.s. That "you" there is an error, apologies, my mistake. I have no way of knowing that you're definitely the writer of the piece and obviously butthurt I openly didn't like it.

>>25478540
have a theory about /wg/: most are looking to impress someone with their genius, but some are there (of their own free will) just to crit - which I always thought was the most wretched fate you could bring upon yourself, but obviously they get something out of it in a stanford-prison-experiment sense.

the whole arrangement is kind of a vicious circle, because that sort of person is the last man on earth whose advice about writing anyone in their right mind ought to want.

“General, new intel just came in over the radio.”

“Report, soldier.”

“The children have cleared the AO. We’re good to go on all fronts.”

“Good. Send the word. All squadrons are to launch a full-scale investigation. Search every inch. Let no container go unsniffed.”

“Sir!”

General watched as Mr.Fuzzybeans scampered out the tent. His jittery urgency was a slightly clumsy attempt, his little wriggling limbs behind him, but his haste was what mattered.

The tent, of course, was nothing more than an upside‑down paper cup. A few bites had been nibbled into it, letting jagged circles of sunlight enter. And the paper still smelled faintly of apple juice. One of his personal favorite smells.

Staring out through the entrance, General’s eyes scoured the perilous battleground beyond the ring of dirt. It was a place where shadows and tallgrass hid predators. Where savage rivals waited with traps and ambushes. But it was also where they could obtain supplies and find new encampments.

But to the giant overlords in their overly colorful fatigues, it was simply “the park.”

Just then, something small and fluffy slammed into his nose at full speed. The round little creature rubbed her face, then blinked up at him with glossy black eyes. A hamster. Female. Always skittering about from task to task. He wasn’t fond of hamsters, but they were meticulous and tireless. Qualities he respected.

“Miss Cake, what’s the fuss?”

“Sir! I’ve been trying to reach you on the radio!”

General turned his head to a green plastic building block and clicked his teeth.
“Darned thing never works. You’re here now, so what is it?”

“Insects! From the eastern flower field and moving fast!”

“Ants? Bees? Which ones?”

“Wasps!”

He froze.

The insect armies were strong, but the wasps were something else. Armored. Venomous. Masters of the air. His troops had heart, but most were scouts. They weren’t trained for a real fight.

“General!” Miss Cake squeaked. Her whiskers quivered nervously and her paws drummed against the dirt.
Snapping back to himself, he shook off the instinctive fear.
“Contact the Pond! We need support on the double!”
“Right away sir!”

As she dashed away, he took a deep breath.

“It’s likely reinforcements won’t get there in time…Most, if not all my men will be slaughtered…”

Stepping outside, the sun shone bright against the clear blue sky. A few others stopped what they were doing and watched him. Ignoring their concerned fuzzy faces, he turned back to face the tent and gave the door a quick nibble and a couple licks. Then turned once more, bounding into the grass.

“General? Where are you going!?” one of the others called out to him. But there was no reply. Just the shuffling of grass behind him.

>>25478591
Thanks anon, I really appreciate it. I've been working on being more mindful about meter.

In your own personal experience, when do you usually insert metrical variation into a piece? Or is it a vibe-y deal like when people season food without a strict recipe?

>>25478281
>Crickets, boasting, chirp of their good treasure.
>Banded bullfrogs moo in louder measure,
these are in trochaic pentameter, unlike the iambs in the rest of the poem.

apart from that unintentional variation, the lines all feel quite rhythmically monotonous. part of the point of metrical poetry is to vary the rhythmic feel while sticking to the metre.

e.g. instead of these two rhythmically identical lines
>While shying sunlight blushes ‘cross the sky
>Retreating to her home beyond the sea
you could do
>While shying sunlight, blushing ‘cross the sky,
>Retreats to her abode beyond the sea
which makes the first line feel slower than the second, and also sets up a slight tension at the end of the first line, because it's not yet grammatically complete - we're waiting to see what the sunlight will do!

another tip: if you look at Pope and Dryden, they often avoid rhyming one part of speech with the same part of speech. i mean a verb rarely gets rhymed with a verb, a preposition with a preposition, a noun with a noun. all your rhymes are noun-noun except in the last stanza, which is all the better for it.

sorry for only giving you technical feedback! the poem has a nice atmosphere overall. i love night poems.

>>25478568
>Your so called critique are usually random baseless nonfalsifiable nonsense followed by your now classic closer of admitting you didn't actually read the thing
>goes on to make random baseless nonfalsifiable nonsensical points of "critique"
>follows up with passive aggressive attention whoring

Like I said.
You are a troll and no one should take anything you say seriously.

>>25478591
>another tip: if you look at Pope and Dryden, they rarely rhyme one part of speech with the same part of speech. i mean a verb rarely gets rhymed with a verb, a preposition with a preposition, a noun with a noun. all your rhymes are noun-noun except in the last stanza, which is all the better for it.
I'll look into this too!

>>25478584
As part of your majority category I must disagree. You don't need to be a writer to give critique. Critical skills and creative skills may be entwined, but they are distinct. One could, in theory, git gud at criticism while never bothering to do anything original.
It seems more like you're making up excuses not to accept feedback to avoid the tribulations of improving.

>>25478584
NTA but they play the role of critic, but no one here is an actual critic (who comes with a body of work for anyone to inspect in turn, or at the very least, accountability); they’re anonymous ‘audience’. So neither you nor they should take themselves more seriously than that.

>>25478596
reposted with edits >>25478595

>when do you usually insert metrical variation into a piece?
really is a vibe deal, depends on what you want to emphasise.

>>25478601
If critique is a skill it's one you don't possess and refuse to get better at because you yourself cannot handle feedback or criticism.

>>25478596
>>25478606
Again, thanks for this anon!

>>25478597
>baseless
It's all based on the text of the summary.
>nonfalsifiable
I'm not theorizing here bro I'm giving you feedback on your fiction.
>nonsensical
You use this word but don't seem to know what it means. It doesn't mean "anything I don't like to hear."

>>25478601
I’m saying you can see how these threads appeal to appeal to a certain temperament: no cost to being wrong, the anon who shared something already being vulnerable, bad behaviour essentially excused by the thread purpose. like >>25478603 says, they’re not critics, so weigh it accordingly: you can just reply with a wink, or heckle them back, which is what it amounts to.

>>25478608
crit the critics. they start sounding a bit empty, they fumble the greentexts.

>>25478616
You can't even maintain coherence in this stupid thread of replies, as in base your replies on the actual content of the posts you're replying to. You're literally illiterate like almost every "critic" on this board.

>>25478608
I'd like to point out that I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming you're the writer and butthurt. If you're just some random anon who can't handle someone else's feedback, that's a little more pathetic.

>>25478624
I can't maintain coherence... yet somehow you're replying to me as if you comprehend me. Curious...

>>25478625
this is what they fall back on lol

>>25478630
Yep, I'm sinking to your level, projectionist troll. You think you can't handle critique? I'll show you not handling critique. I'm both the one trashing that terrible summary in the fp and >>25473961. Critique my shit and I'll feedback the fuck out of your critique.

>>25478629
You're yet again building on assumptions that directly contradict what the post you're replying to actually says. I comprehend that you're an incoherent retard with nothing to say about any subject.

>>25478625
>narcissist double bind
>aka no matter what I accuse you of being bad thing for noticing my bad behavior so stop noticing and let me keep being a ass

>>25478635
This anon really cracked the code. Just call whoever disagrees with you incoherent. That way you don't actually have to engage with their points. You just win the debate by default

File: Beginning (2).png (283 KB, 776x972)

283 KB PNG

>>25471756
Is this a good beginning? Anyone minds giving me feedback?

>>25478638
>I've studied the ways of the narcissist
Gee go figure

>>25478633
>A new kind of vampire is on the prowl.

>>25478639
Yeah delete this dumbass. "what?" Fuck you think motherfucker.

>>25478644
Kek

>>25478640
It's an easily measurable objective fact that you're an incoherent retard, ask grok or whatever.
You replied to a post saying you make no sense, building on the deranged assumption that this means I comprehend what you're trying to say with what I just called nonsense.
You repeatedly built on the assumption that the guy wrote the text you're critiquing despite him explicitly saying he didn't.
You live in a fantasy world you make up as you go and none of it relates to anything you're replying to, you're incoherent and malicious.

>>25478651
>advertises an LLM out of nowhere
Now I'm starting to think I'm talking to an LLM programmed to call things nonsensical despite understanding them.

>>25478641
this is good. disorienting but not confusing. something about those eyes flashing out of the darkness at him is very effective. and things like 'i haven't been there' - nicely ominous implications. overall, nice.

>>25478641
Oo I like it. It feels creepy and grim and gothic. It also feels like it has a direction, like you're going somewhere with this. Some of the dialogue feels a bit stilted. Try reading it aloud or having someone else read it aloud or something.

>>25478645
was pointing out your choice of phrasing until I actually looked at the post and saw ‘new vampire on the prowl’. I don’t really want to read (let alone criticise) something I’m not at least a little interested in, no inclination to put someone down over something they’ve shared. still, it’d be worth knowing, re your criticism, that you’re working on an explicitly sexual vampire story. me: I have no truck with genre but if someone’s writing literary fiction it might account for some of the disconnect.

>>25478669
Consumptive Cur *is* literary fiction. If you think an explicitly sexual vampire novel can't be literary fiction, that is a you problem.

>>25478676
>A new kind of vampire is on the prowl.

>>25478592
Adorable

>>25478679
It's a literary vampire.

>>25478689
bram stoker on line 1.

>>25478692
Dracula is okay, a fine book. Consumptive Cur is better.

>>25478633
Legitimately mentally ill

Excerpt from a story I'm writing where a fat fetishist has to save the future by preventing the invention of a miracle weight loss drug. Call me if your name is Ridley Scott or James Cameron.

When he saw it his stomach felt like when their fridge had broken and he’d eaten a plate of the three day old meatloaf anyway. The Banner read “FUR AND FITNESS DAY! Let’s all have fun and be healthy. Adults and kids all welcome.”

“No...”

It was the same pool he’d been at just yesterday. But it was a world he didn’t recognise.

Abs, abs, for God sake! The sight made him recoil. Where there had once been beautiful, shapeless, sagging fat pouring over waistlines, swallowing straps, straining fabrics, now there was definition. Horrible, horrible definition.

Bodies that curved inwards! Thighs with gaps in them, boobs you could fit one hand around, without a pair on a man to be seen.

Where were the double chins?

Where was the cellulite?

Where were the ill -fitting swimsuits and the thigh rolls and the asses that moved in two directions with every step? Where the hell had they taken him?

He ran from end end of the pool to the other, growing increasingly desperate as he searched in vain for even a single fat person. Please for the love of God just one. Just a hint of the world he used to know.

He saw none.

A well toned doe and her border-collie boyfriend walked past, both looking like they belonged on the cover of a sports magazine. They were sipping on juice smoothies.

He couldn’t take it anymore. “You don’t know what they’ve taken from you!” he shouted at them desperately, trying to slap the health swill out of their hands. He passed through them harmlessly.

“They can’t hear you.” Arlow replied, placing a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. “The time distortion technology is a window, not a door. We can only observe.”

He fell to his knees, staring at the ground. “What is this place?” he mumbled.

“Your future” Vera replied coldly. “If you don’t stop it.”

His blood ran cold. His mother. His sister. He had to get home.

“My Family...”

“You don’t want to see that, trust me. This is already a doomed timeline, there’s nothing you can do.”

“I have to know, please...”

She took out her phone and did a quick Google search. “Say hello to the Internet’s number one fitness influence.”

It couldn’t be his mother. The woman who had invented a method for deep frying an Ice Cream cake, who wore dresses made out of surplus air-force parachutes, was on camera doing one-armed pull-ups. “Hey fitness lovers, Cardio Queen back with another video”

“Turn it off...”

“As always the link to my fat-free vegan recipes are in the description.”

“Turn it off!” he begged.

“Check out the definition on these bad boys” she bragged, flexing her well-toned biceps.

He felt the contents of his stomach racing up. Still on his knees he retched painfully but nothing came out.

>>25478784
Didn't find it funny, which is what I assume is the point.

Instead it just comes off as deeply bitter and aimlessly spiteful.
Maybe someone mad at the world will like it. I don't.

File: PART_4_CHAPTER_2.jpg (1.27 MB, 698x7562)

1.27 MB JPG

Posted this here like two months ago, anons liked it.
What it is: Middle portion (75% in) of historical fiction family saga taking place in the eastern part of medieval eurasian steppe (no genghis khan, it's set before that).
More specifically: Father (chieftain) and son (first son of second wife) leave their camp and travel through the steppe. This portion is the first time the reader gazes into the mind of the father (not like that matters when you read this excerpt as standalon)
It may look long, but most of it's dialogue.
It's translation to english (before you ask: used google translator and edited the shit out of it), as of today it's outdated as I have edited it for second draft (but I am not in translating mood and I think it's nice read even like this). I've also edited this portion into a short story that I've entered into writing contest - I think it works well as standalone.

Too long for 4chins.

https://rentry.org/q9easxe7

>>25479243
Kino. Write it into a full novel.

File: lit.jpg (114 KB, 864x424)

114 KB JPG

I've read one post in this thread and I am done, it was exactly what I expected when I clicked on the image and it enlarged.
>>25473961
This reads like somebody trying to sound intelligent instead of actually being intelligent. Could not make it past the first and half pages or so. I sincerely hope the introductory essay portion (that I didn't finish) is supposed to be a satire and it's trying to sound like insecure person who didn't get accepted into university for literature degree. If so, you have succeeded. If any portion of it is supposed to be enlightening or you think any portion contains wisdom when read unironically then you have failed. I don't think you want your reader who opens the book to roll his eyes and think "this is some retarded shit that takes itself too seriously and was written by someone with acute lack of self-reflection," becouse when the reader does that he won't read further (just like I did). The "person who didn't get accepted into university literature degree" aspect is important, becouse the "essay" portion lacks deep understanding of what's it talking about and it's argumentation skills are lacking.
>author of fiction is evil becouse he makes his character go through suffering
A) The characters are fictional, when they suffer on the page nobody actually suffers, you know that? B) Have you ever read a book with characters? Again "person who didn't get accepted into university literature degree," becouse this reads like it was written by someone who has not even read Aristotle's Poetics.
>I-i-it's supposed to be inner monologue of a character who fits the "person who didn't get accepted into university literature degree" descriptor.
Nothing on the first and half pages signalizes that and I shan't be reading more to find out.

Impressive if written by high-schooler/10

Read Yu Hua's To Live and Hemingway's Farewell to Arms or The Sun Also Rises to learn how to be actually profound.

>>25479326
>Picrel
I am both, geographically and otherwise

Also I 100% agree with your review of the spammer's work.

>>25479243
>His south Asian genetics hadn’t gifted him the body of an athlete, and that was compounded by a lifetime of chronic Diarrhoea, lead contaminated water and a five foot three stature.
>>and a five foot three stature.
what's that got to do with everything in front of it? the presumed premise of the sentence is that his genes are shit, which is made worse by his environmental conditions. but "a five food three stature" has nothing to do with his environment, and has nothing to do with whether or not he has "the body of an athlete" anyway, since you can be five three and athletic at the same time.
stuff like this in the opening makes me stop reading every single time. if you can't even follow through the simplest ideas expressed within a single sentence on the first page, then why should I think you'd be able to follow through on anything else?

there's so much of this stuff in so many of the things posted here, it's kind of surreal

>>25479376
Yes jeets are short because of their environment. They all have stunted growth and mild retardation because the drinking water and soil is contaminated with shit. This causes chronic diarrhea and malnutrition during childhood.

>>25479355
There's one another spammer that's even more annoying but his writing is just flat out shit. The guy I replied to isn't complete shit but lack of self-reflection, lack of personal experience or general life undersdanding and abundance of self-importance prevents him from being truly good writer and makes it read like "very talented high schooler". He can put together good sentence, but he just can't help himself and has to overfill it with shit. It's like some kind of shit pile iceberg theory, where the tip is functional but deeper you look the more manure you find and when you sink into it you loose the sight of the functional tip.

>>25478641
Why is the first paragraph in second person POV while the rest is in close third?

>>25479052
I like this a lot

>>25478315
I don't. Full pantser. No fucking clue where this shit is going but I know it'll be a fun ride.

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>>25479326
>>25479355
>I sincerely hope [it's] supposed to be a satire
So uh... did you miss the part where it was introduced in the very first line of greentext as a "satirical horror?" Do you also read articles from The Onion and call them out as "fake news?"

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>>25479407
I like how even you have to admit that I know how to put sentences together. I know how to tell a story, too. But you should approach my material with less flippancy and take the time to understand what you're getting into instead of jumping to conclusions based on shallow interpretations and misreadings.

>>25480277
Feels like we're getting introduced to a flawed character who will have to confront those flaws and change into something more refined. I'd have to read more to tell but this could be a work of standard storytelling.

I have to figure out a way of working on my stuff on my phone so I can write on my work breaks.

This writing on my day off is too slow. It leads to writing once a week instead of everyday. I don't have the focus to make that once a week sprint longer that a few hours before my brain is toast.
I mean if I had the concentration to write 10 hours straight on my day off I might make it work, but usually after 2-3 sold hours I can't focus or write anything decent.
So I end up with maybe 2-4k words of decent writing a week and 1-3k words of garbage that gets pruned.

Needless to say, at a rate like that it takes a excruciatingly long time to finish drafting anything.

>>25478633
Rhythm was off.
Is shit did not read past the first line.

>>25479243
you could have spent that time writing something worthwhile. You clearly don't value your time, or have anything to write anyway

idk mate if I see anything that references modern shit like da internet or texting or other inane self-referential shit I immediately stop reading

>>25480282
>>25480269
>I AM GENIUS
Satire is supposed to be funny, genius.

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>>25480476
what about something that references /lit/

lol. lmao.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/66743944

>>25480641
>read and sign this long tos that gives us full rights to datamine the fuck out of you and follow you around including off site, monitor your device, and use that data in any way we see fit or you can't access the site

How about no.

>>25480651
god you people can't do anything

Also posted this in /wg/ but I guess I'll repost here:
Short story I wrote after like half a decade of not writing anything, I'd like to know what (you) think about it:

https://txtbin.org/?5609e49301ec2304#9GV2nptZTECyWrXrJPM4zE3DZbtUayPSNf7aZK6kDesA

>>25480324
I'm always just jotting down random little snippets in my notes app. Not proper sit-down writing, just ideas as they come to mind, so I can go through them over the weekend.

>>25480476
What's with this attitude? I have it too, why are we so averse to seeing the modern world that we've been living in for the last 20 odd years being acknowledged in media? Even in movies and TV it feels cringe more often than not

>>25480641
I'll never escape this stupid fucking show, why won't it just die already

>>25471756
Why the FUCK is there not a tapir in the Op?

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You've been tricked. One of the texts in this thread is written by an author that was nominated for Nobel prize in literature 5+ years in a row. Nobody has recognized it.
So here's a game for you: Guess correctly which post contains the text and link it in reply to this post. You do not need to name the original author or the original book, just find which of the posts here contains something that's considered classic literature.
If anyone guesses correctly, I will reward him and everyone in this thread.

>>25480915
>>25477330

>>25480927
No.

>>25480928
are you sure?

This thread has convinced me modern Americans can't write. All of it stems from how you all speak, you talk like niggers in your daily life so when you sit down to write you scratch your mutt craniums and look at old books, badly emulating antiquated styles of communication while you have a dumb groid New Yawkuh accent or something similarly offensive. You can see the shift as early as writers like Lovecraft who also suffer this. English truly is a language meant to be used by the English, and no one else.

>>25480933
It's lead poisoning lad, copious amounts of lead exposure in childhood and across their adult lives.

>>25480933
your cadence is closer to american (online) registers than a british one.

>>25480930
Stealing the ending line of your novel word-for-word from Robert Graves doesn't make you Robert Graves, it makes you an idiot.

>>25480939
I'm Irish.

>>25480915
Is it >>25478096
I've been universally disappointed with prize winning fiction. Not that I've read a lot of it but Angel Down (Pulitzer, it's sort of like blood meridian but ww1 and worse in every way) and Sigrid Undset (Nobel, and not bad but it's basically just a tradcath medievalist 1930s take on romantasy) were both a bit underwhelming.

>>25478584
I'm here purely for the negative feedback and to fuck around with other anons and have a good time shit posting. I find negative feedback much more valuable. People are honest about their gut reactions. I try to review things in turn but I'm not very detailed, I just give my gut reactions as well. I'm probably going to stop because of the meltdown a particular anon who may or may not be in this thread calling people narcissists had in reaction to one of my posts.

>>25480942
but robert graves was nominated multiple times for the nobel prize.

>>25480943
irish-american?

>>25480943
I'm sorry to hear that.

>>25478435
I've written crap like this before and usually the best solution is to just delete it entirely and do something else. I can't think of a time where trying to polish a ball of tangled shit ever ended well for me. Cut the knot. Not that I know what I'm doing.

>>25480947
The text wasn't written by Graves, only the final line. Are you dumb? The game is not about searching for lines but for the whole text.

>>25480946
No, that's not it, you also have very shit takes on literature. Sigrid Undset is masterpiece and has nothing to do with romantasy slop.

>>25480969
Everything Austen wrote mogs the fuck out of it, sorry.

>>25480974
Kristin Lavransdatter has nothing to do with Jane Austen and is nothing like it, wtf is this comparison?

>>25480964
yeah i’m dumb. now: will you lay your hand on your heart and swear to me that it’s not >>25477330

>>25480981
It's funny

More seriously, the way Undset writes her characters did not impress me. Maybe it's because I grew up traditional Catholic so it sticks out more but there's an enormous degree of ahistorical idealization throughout the entire work. The scene with the dutch pedo knight was probably the worst part, and the attitudes of some of the characters towards sex in general strikes me as entirely 20th century post-reformation Catholic rather than being authentically medieval. People were of course far more "chaste" than now but it was not so cute and Victorian. The whole "chronicle an entire life thing" was very cool but not in a way that I think deserves a nobel prize. I also don't think the Pagan/Christian tension was handled that well. The behavior of most of the nobility also struck me as odd, flitting between "basically modern egalitarians" to caricatures of themselves, but I'm not so well read on how feudalism worked in Scandinavia specifically. I

What does Austen have to do with any of that? Her characterization is far superior and she is the only other author at all similar to Undset that I've read.

I'm also not a woman, nor so papist as I used to be, so perhaps it just wasn't for me.

There once was a boy, guitarhead was his name.
All the village children were aware of his fame.
Striking a chord, another once more.
One can forget that he used to be poor.
Because he was cool, to fame he was sprung.
Guitarhead, our hero, quite aptly strung.

You're welcome anons.

>The Red-and-Gold Khan

Whose trade is red lotus-brocade, festival-banners, flags, and the accoutrements of matrimony. He exercises stringent monopoly over the sale of lace and wine. Half the city's dressmakers pay tithe to him. Most sociable of the Khans, he is the glittering head of festival-processions which march down the long and narrow streets of Thuin under the lamplight in eveningtime, and out of all the city's rulers he cherishes best her raucous air. A habitual and good-natured alcoholic, he is known as a lover of wine and is never seen unattended by a mob of petitioners seeking to take advantage of his drunken gregariousness. He is cloaked always in the long-trained red-and-gold brocade which is his namesake and masks his upper face with the visages of animals, though leaves his painted lips free to the wine, the air, and the lips of a bewildering procession of lovers and favor-seekers.

>The Bluebottle Khan

Whose trade is pure white cloth; sheer and ghostly spider-silk organza, chiffon, and voile. The net-makers of her workshops keep the fishermen on the Alím in business, her weavers keep them clothed. The fishermen and mudlarks of the Alím are hers, and so the trade in river-meat, fish-scale, and the right to exact tolls on travelers are hers, too. She earns the lion's share of the trade in fine glass powder, salvage, bottles, windows, urns and painted tile, and one-third of the salt which moves through the city is sifted, first, through her hands. She dresses in translucent ghostly white and delicately embroidered coverings studded with the scales of armored fish the glaucous greenish-blue of a faraway sea. She is famously short of temper but does not show her face, or speak, and expresses her anger through certain inexpressible qualities of silence (and the attention of her coterie of vicious underlings). She wears a silver band on the ring-finger of her left hand, but is not known to keep a spouse or lover. She holds some special enmity for the Red-and-Gold, and they often maneuver against one another.

trying to work on my ability to write evocatively through trite fantasy worldbuildingslop

He swung the grocery bag of diarrhea like an Olympic hammer throw, turning in a couple of circles before launching the entire thing at the receptionist. They'd think twice before rejecting his next book.

>>25481316
I know you are going for fantasy but historically speaking (since you based this on history- at least based on you using historical titulage):
>Steppe nomads didn't really drink wine until they expanded outside of the steppe (post genghis khan), fermented mare milk was their main drink and they had many rituals around it (only men could milk the horses for fermentation). The drink (cumis, airag) is less alcoholic than wine or beer.
>being good at drinking alcohol and being able to drink a lot was seen as virtue, drunken behavior wasn't
>red-and-gold is great touch as red silk intervowen with gold was considered the most luxurious kind of fabric by Mongols (nasij silk). Mongols (even before Genghis khan) were absolutely obsessed with quality clothing: fabrics (silk and more silks), furs and leather
>Fishing was a no-no or even washing yourself in running water. Water was connected to the underworld as such the entity connected to it should wear black and not white. For drinking running water, washing clothes or yourself in running water you would receive death penalty (even if you were inhabitant of the conquered territory)
>Faraway sea isn't really a steppe thing. Their mythos place "great inland sea in the north" (probably lake Baikal) into the center of the world. The concept of "inland sea" is more evocative and unique
>Khan is male title, Khatun is female title. However I think Iduyan would be better than Khatun for the bluebottle khan. Iduyan is title of mongolian female shaman (and I am pretty sure that fascinatingly it's one of the few titles that stays the same across all steppe languages). In steppe tribes the shamans and chieftains were at constant odds, sometimes the shamans had more authority, sometimes the chieftains. The dress you described also fits white shaman. Every shaman starts out as white shaman (works with good spirits of sky and earth) and every shaman can become black shaman (works with underworld spirits), but once you go black you cannot go back...
>mongolian inspired mythos dont work for a city setting, steppe gods do not inhabit buildings, they inhabit yurts (gers) of insane sizes and materials (Ever heard of Golden Horde? It's named after the 'ordo' - central ger in the camp - of mythic turkic khan who had huge tent with golden inside walls)
>not enough singing and dancing and stomping and trance, future reading and star divination
>Salt is good mention as that was the only spice the mongolians used before expanding out of mongolia and it was considered luxury. They mostly ate unseasoned sheep meat and horse meat (but this mostly during festivals, it was also expensive). At least 10 sheeps per person in camp to not go hungry.
Recommended reading if you want to go more into "authentic" steppe stuff:
Daily life in the Mongol Empire
Spirit Voices: The Mysteries and Magic of North Asian Shamanism
Epic of Jangar
Secret History of Mongols
To me this seems like under-utilized steppe fantasy setting.

>>25478435
That was a lot of words to say absolutely nothing of value. Tells me nothing about what this story is actually about. Also meta commentary on writing in a narrative is cringe cut that shit out. Also also never use the word 'plethora' as it's incredibly overused and makes you sound like a highschooler taking their first creative writing class.

>>25478435
nice. the other repliers don't get it. it is kind of overwritten but i like the exuberance. my tips is to add more specificity. like when you say 'pleasure-seekers', what kind of pleasures? when you say 'villains', are you talking about boat thieves, husband murderers, drug lords, what? always amp up the specificity is my general rule for writing.

>>25481574
i appreciate it, thank you anon.

>>25480658
can't do anything you want me to do, yes you are correct. take your fucking spam website and shove it up your ass

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>>25480943
I wouldn't have openly admitted that but ok

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>>25480915
too bad. I would have actually needed to read any of the submissions to be tricked.

>>25478592
I liked that quite a bit.

Stains On The Pages

Stains on the pages
Of the books I read
In my subterranean
Hospital bed

I leaf through
And find
Purple prints
Of time
Trapped between
Forgotten lines

Blood ghosts
That refuse to rest
In the plasma chamber
Of the fever-mind

They perch
In shadows and steam
And tumble through
Transfusion slumber

The elixir offered
By the white-coated
Illusion weaver
Loses its substance
In the fever

I return to the vial
I return to the lines

I sit and flip pages
A fossil formed
In the sediment
Of dust and sheets

>>25471756
I thought there would have been more to tell. Some other things not worth recounting really, let's see. I had a pretty bad fit of the shivers for a while, the water which had soaked my clothes through at this point was pretty cold. But that passed. I was of course badly starved and dehydrated as well. You might ask whether I attempted to relieve myself at least of my dehydration by extending my neck down between my arms (you see, the shape that had entrapped me was not actually one resembling a closing sphincter, the whole perimeter of the wall having been pushed inward in equal proportion, but it was rather that the ceiling of the pipe was crushed downwards such that only a narrow slit was left for passage, and it was this slit through which I had attempted to slither), anyway, you might ask whether I attempted to relieve my dehydration at least by putting my face to the floor and lapping up the water that flowed into and around the front of my shirt. There were some images and voices, memories, fantasies, dreams. None really worth describing. On the subject of dreams though, in a space such as this the distinction between dreaming and waking had pretty much ceased to exist, or rather the darkness and silence had simply made it possible for me to become aware that such a distinction had never existed in the first place, in reality. Reality. At one point when the blade of my swiss army knife was pressed to my right wrist, let me say that my heart overflows with gratitude at my having had the good luck to invent this knife earlier. Anyway its blade was against my wrist - by the way, the blade at this point was so dull, if indeed there was a blade beneath all that grime, that it really would have been a matter of scraping myself to death - yes, the blade was against my wrist - wait a second. How could I have possibly wound up in that posture, let alone gotten the blade in my hand in the first place, if I was supposedly lying prone, supine, no, prone, on the floor of this pipe with my arms outstretched in front of me and the ceiling crushing down onto my shoulder blades such that I could barely even wiggle and squirm around, let alone maneuver my extremities with any kind of precision? There is only one solution, which is that I had in fact never been crushed or squeezed or pinched at all, that the structure of the pipe was uniform all the way through. It was simply that I had gone quite a distance into that darkness before the adrenaline of the chase had finally worn off, and the consequences of that extreme effort finally manifested themselves as a deep exhaustion such as I had never felt before, probably augmented in no small measure by the starvation, dehydration, malnutrition, I hope I'm not missing anything, that I had already been laboring under for God knows how long. Moving forward or backward by more than a few inches was out of the question, even leaning to one side or the other was a herculean effort...

>>25480933
Post your work and show them how it's done.

>>25475178
>>25475222

Are you there? I want to read more of this. Looks like it would also make a good comic.

>>25482079
I did however find to my astonishment that over a period of hours or days or longer, there are no days in here, anyway, my left hand had set out on a pilgrimage down my left side and into my left pocket to shuffle amongst my little trinkets and extract the knife, whereupon it made the same journey in reverse until it finally came to a stop little ways in front of my head, triumphant. The right hand met the left and together the two unfolded the knife, whereupon the right hand turned palm side up and offered itself for sacrifice, presented its neck so to speak. And for a moment it seemed that the left hand was going to make the fatal motion after all. But both hands stopped just short of consummation when my mind, which had restrained itself throughout this whole affair but finally could hold its tongue (yes) no longer, stopped them both short, I already said that, with something resembling the following considerations. Firstly although the intention behind this ritual was brave and even admirable, neither party had stopped to consider the results, or even the nature of the thing. For death is by no means a certain proposition. If it led surely to annihilation as both hands had until now had assumed, then all might have been well and good. But think about it, the brain urged the hands, think about it. Firstly, were we to be annihilated, there would no longer be anyone to experience annihilation, thus winding us right back where we started, in life. No period of respite either, for periods and respites would be thrown into the bargain with the last drops of blood, if indeed these veins aren't already completely dry, as this stiffness and numbness and arthritic - but I digress. Now the left fist tightens again on the knife handle, or at least exerts an effort that will have to pass for tightening under these circumstances, and the right hand presents itself even more promiscuously on the imaginary altar. Stop! I wasn't finished...

>>25482068
Slam poetry shit.

>>25482079
>>25482088
...Consider this at least, that even if you are willing to let go of annihilation and settle for a mere change of scenery, then I'm afraid you still haven't thought things through at all. Really, who would willingly choose to spin the wheel of souls and, land where it may, irrevocably exchange lives with some other being at random, entering into their body and mind and they into yours? Somebody out there surely, but not you, be honest with yourselves. And this is just to speak of Earth, we haven't even begun to consider what other planets and dark stars might be scattered out there in deep space, containing scenes that would make Bosch's hell look like a peaceful summer's day. Will you knowingly accept such a risk? No, take a true stock of your situation. Is this place a little lacking in comforts, sure. No windows, no light at all for that matter, dank, stinks to high heaven, guttural sounds coming from the depths, granted. But is that really so bad, so bad that you're willing to throw the cosmic dice and gamble everything away? Your time is coming anyway, look at yourself, I mean imagine yourself. Rotting away, sure, but mercifully numb too, and with the added privilege of solitude, peace. This might with some degree of probability be your last chance to rest, to breathe and enjoy a last span of inertia before new and unprecedented hells open up before you and swallow you up. The left hand loosens almost imperceptibly, the right hand falters. But wait. This entire chain of reasoning is founded upon nothing but thin air, the whole analysis was coughed up by a brain that hasn't tasted a proper nutrient in ages. Who's to say you aren't dead already? Who's to say you ever lived? Here the left hand in disgust tossed the knife as far forward into the pipe as it could, which could not have been more than a few inches. Out of reach, anyway. Out of mind. Literally, it’s an abstraction now, the stuff of dreams, I will never know whether it existed at all.

Okay I'm done

>>25482089
Thanks. I didn't intend for it to have that vibe, but I appreciate the feedback.

>>25480933
Do you think that everyone who posts here is American?

>>25482184
Oh my God you mean they aren't??

I've been talking to FOREIGNERS??????

>>25477330
i'm stealing this

>>25482068
you gave up really early on

>>25482217
Elaborate?

>>25482279
did you even realise you started with some meter and rhyme at all?

>>25482311
It's free verse. There's loose rhyme throughout, but it doesn't all have to rhyme. It would have limited the word choice and flow had I stuck to a strict meter or rhyme scheme. I could've, but I like the flow it has. I appreciate the feedback.

>>25482341
>I started doing something but realized it was too hard
>me giving up halfway is actually a stylistic choice

I think you should try it two more times.
One where you try to stick to consistent rhyme and meter.
One that is entirely free verse.
And then compare and contrast them with your first version.
It will both be good writing practice and show you why your half-hearted poen is the worst of both worlds.

>>25482404
I'll consider it, but I prefer mixing it up. You know it is not a rule of free verse poetry to have literally no rhyme scheme at all, right? Most uses rhyme and rhythm loosely. And it definitely isn't too difficult for me to write with rhyme, I've written many poems with strict rhyme and meter, just not this one. I understand you don't like it, but it's fallacious to say that because it doesn't use a strict rhyme scheme throughout it's simply because writing is too hard for me and I gave up halfway out of laziness. That's simply not the case. Just say it sucks and you don't like it, that's fine and fair, but you're wrong to think that I intended a strict rhyme scheme throughout, and just abandoned it halfway because I'm a dummy.

>>25482430
consistancy is the heart of all creative works. Because all the audience can think of when reading is "oh he stopped rhyming" or "he couldn't keep it up". its way more important than what has been made to believe. Distractions aren't good. it takes the audience out of everything the writer set up. I know all about the modernist free for all movement. but it sucks

>>25482485
I would say it's intentionality, not consistency. Chud Meridian for example has a very heterogeneous style and it's still excellent (if you have all the requisite background to see the intentionality). What readers can sense is when you're no longer trying and are letting yourself do whatever is easiest. Otherwise you are correct.

>>25482485
>but it sucks
Are you joking? Have you ever read a Modernist poem? T.S. Eliot? Ezra Pound?

Do you want to share any of your poetry?

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>>25482499
Yep. didn't like them. art should be about challenging yourself. modern and post modern introduced the premise of "democratizing" art, and otherwise validating anything you make as art by the simple merit of you scrawling it. No literary standard, no abiding principles, no rules. It is cheap, not impressive, self indulgent, and most importantly, boring.

I like technically impressive things. I don't enjoy slogging through someone's delirious inane ramblings. Its a type of pathological conditioning I feel. If its not the lack of any classical literary merits, its some drooling basketcase recounting his self imposed prison, utterly mystified at his own mental processes and behaviourly stunted acts of depravation. I can't relate.

The stuff I write is classical romance. you know, trees and the sky and stuff. It would probably bore you.

>>25480509
The joke went over your head.

>>25482571
idk, your taste is your taste and i'm not questioning it, but i think you're misinterpreting the history of modern art.

>art should be about challenging yourself. modern and post modern introduced the premise of "democratizing" art, and otherwise validating anything you make as art by the simple merit of you scrawling it
modern art emerged because traditional styles were no longer felt to be challenging, they had become mass-reproducible templates, mere exercises in skill like cooking.

modernism was concerned with standards but those standards belonged to a community that didn't exist yet, a community the artist hoped to summon into being through their art. i think that's much more challenging than following standards that have been codified and set in stone by an academy.

>>25482587
Pure revisionist history.

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>>25482591
not at all! e.g. here's paul klee, genius of the bauhaus, describing his conception of standards and the community standards require:
>Sometimes I dream of a work of really great breadth, ranging through the whole region of element, object, meaning and style.
>This, I fear, will remain a dream, but it is a good thing now to bear the possibility occasionally in mind.
>Nothing can be rushed. It must grow, it should grow of itself, and if the time ever comes for that work---then so much the better!
>We must go seeking it!
>We have found parts, but not the whole!
>We still lack the ultimate power, for:
>the people are not with us.
>But we seek a people.

that said, i think learning to write strict metrical poetry is a very good exercise for honing your craft and thinking about language. but it's a means to an end, it can no longer be an end in itself. just my two cents.

>>25482571
Do you even understand what Modernism is in literature? Do you just assume "modern" means contemporary?

>>25482571
what lol