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Hello, /lit/.

Do you have any writing tips / drugs / means to motivate a writer into finishing a manuscript when he is going through a dark night of the soul? I am crushed. I have the poison sitting in a locked box besides me, and I have done the math; I am eight pills away from removing myself from this Earth, but I do not want to bring my mother another disappointment and unecessary hurt. We have had a very tough life as it is, and I will only go if it is after her. Herself, she begs me every day to find a way to kill both of us, so I am motivated to write in the days when we don't talk at all and need to make the MOST out of them. I have tried copious amounts of ritalin and working up to 6-7 AM, but it is too strong and costs me the following day.

I need a miracle. I took to writing ten-twelve years ago, and I believe I have wasted enough words on this trade to remotely know what I'm doing. If I am going to kill myself, I found, let me finish my bullcrap Lord of No Rings fantasy as a desperate wager that my life will not have been a waste. While you beg God so you will die in your sleep, the soul is there craving eternal life. The soul doesn't know it is too much, because it is too much, /lit/.

But I must write because there is nothing else. I am 140k words in, and up to the end the plot is all outlined. If that is too little (too much) for a debut in the genre, I do not care. My final economies (around ~4k) will be spent promoting the work through influencers, if I cannot pitch it to an agent or publisher who wants to associate with me (not holding my breath, people only exist to fuck my life).

tl;dr: Please provide some writing tips for when you are thinking more of death than writing. I can't be the only one who has ever struggled.