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Your threadly reminder that regurgitating what others have written only leads to boring writing, and if you're just a NEET, rotting away in your room in your mommy's house where you grew up, then you're never going to write anything interesting. You need to join join an organization that gives you the opportunity to travel and meet people who aren't like you. Peace Corps, Americorps, Foreign Legion, military, etc. You can do so any time you want. There's nothing stopping you, and nothing wrong with you, physically or mentally... you don't lead an interesting life because you refuse to. Nearly one third of Peace Corps applicants are accepted. Getting into Americorps is even easier. And you'd gain real-world experience that you could pour into your writing. Not only does being NEET prevent you from having anything original and interesting to write about, but NEET is a choice, and a very lazy, cowardly one.

>>25568040
>Assblasted this hard from last thread
Grim

So... what are you guys writing about today? ^_^

>>25568045
No u.
He’s right. If you go out and experience the world then you’ll be capable of writing genuine, meaningful literate. If you’re just some sheltered NEET the most you can aspire to is some retarded genreslop about elves and starships.

>>25568140
the twentieth century is over. you don't need to rot on some godforsaken ship mining numbskulls and foreigners for a story.

>>25568040
Very sophomoric analysis.

>>25568040
Catharsis?
>>25568126
I'm sorting concepts from my vast experience of traveling and working at prestigious institutions. My one book length concept is travel genre, the rest are probably best for a collection of short stories. My romcom concept is for engagement farming, it has to do with pegging.

>>25568203
Curious. Anything you're willing to share?

>>25568205
I will share some stuff soon. I'd like to write a few concepts specifically for anons and leave my more "professional" attempts kept private until they are done. But either way I'll link free epubs here and risk a ban because I like how Mack does that.

atmosphere > worldbuilding

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oh good i'm a human

>>25568017
>open cheap detective novel
>ugh, I can't read this. The prose is exactly like -
>oh no

>>25568454
>looks in mirror feeling skin and pulling eyelids down

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Please give me feedback

>>25568648

Your writing has a very "Tacitus" style, but I don't think it fully works. For one, some of the alliteration feels forced instead of rhythmic. "Greenish gold," for instance, says nothing, and rhythm seems like an odd goal anyway in such an obviously tense scene. Secondly, sentences like "He was a councilman. He had the means" are clunky in their punctuation. I think you should link more of these together, since right now it reads as though there's an invisible syllable limit before you hit the period key.

>>25568017
How about instead of RPG style books there are city builder / settler survival books? Is this a category?

>>25568648
80% of your sentences start with 'the' or a pronoun

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What do you think?

>>25568805
Its good

>>25568155
How would you know? You haven't tried it, and your writing is remarkably unsuccessful.

>>25568805
i dont really like it. your lambasting of news and religion and america all in quick succession, along with the first line just being horribly bland and uninspiring, inspires little confidence for wherever this work could go.

>>25568805
vaguely douglas adams
if it was a little more sarcastic over critical it would be really douglas adams

How do you write gay characters? The people in my writing group said mine were “inauthentic” but couldn’t elaborate on how. They just kept insisting I needed to get a sensitivity reader. I just wrote them like people. They don’t think about taking dick up the ass 24/7, do they?

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>>25568126
My boat sucks, instead of airbags i got styrofoam encased in glassfiber for buoyancy, adding serious weight. The standard is air cushions, it works great, lightweight, no compartment that traps water during sailing and what 99% of boats in this class uses for a reason. I am the only one with this crap. Yet i made it to the nationals but that doesnt matter, i cant win, so im here for the participation trophy in the most literal sense. Her boat is newer, has air cushions and everything else is new, new weatsuit, glowes that match, i use ducktape on a drysuit. We where still warming up when she started yelling at me, apperantly i was stealing her wind, not sure if that is a thing or not from the angle we where sailing, certainly not illegal, anyhow she kept yelling at me for the duration of the warm up. Regatta finally got underway and im off to an uneventful start, im slow, slower than usual. I can see her and most of the favorites gaining speed, i lose sight of them in the literal sea of kids sailing past me, i manage to do alright considering my disadvantage but this is incredibly boring, sailing just to accept defeat. I started to get ideas, stealing someones wind is rarly a rules violation. As i apprach the third buoey i decide to face the wind and go to a halt, almost nobody notices since this regatta is a constant stream of 12 year olds sailing with a wide skill gap. After hanging about for a round i see her approaching for her second go around, i use every bit of my skill to gain speed and put myself ahead of here in the windward position so as to stall her and steal her wind for real, i can see the others gaining on her now and she is realizing what i am doing, all hell breaks lose, she starts throwing protein bars at me as well as everything else that isnt strapped down, i cant stop laughing, we are in the midst of a lot of boats so nobody can tell what is going on expect me and her. As we pass to the finish line i hurridly sail away from her and basically run ashore to hide, when they announce the scores they somehow put me in third place, she got fourth, i never did my last lap because i knew it was over anyway, somehow they never noticed, the judges ride around in boats following us, apperantly they had seen her throwing things at me though, so when she complained that i cheated she was automatically dismissed, i was handed a trophy. We made eye contact outside the sailing club as we departed, she was completely red, furious, hands clutching, her parents visibly embarrassed.

This is the worst thing i have ever done to another human being. I am so sorry.

>>25568843
Why are you writing gay characters?
If they are the main focus of the story, you should probably be gay to write them properly. If you're not gay, you shouldn't want to write a story with a gay main character.

>>25568849
>Why are you writing gay characters?
They kept telling me I needed to include them! I figured it might be a nice challenge but Jesus Christ these retards now just obsess over a relatively inconsequential side character who I guess isn’t saying “I love cock” enough.

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Can I get any feedback please?

>>25568844
>expect me and her
W-what do you two expect? This is nail-biting.

>>25568844
Overall, not bad. The MC is an intriguing dipshit, wouldn't mind spending a couple hundred pages into his head.

thinking of moving to Saskatchewan.

>>25568040
>the only way to become a writer is to provide free labor to the zog
you're not getting me that easy, rabbi

>>25568874
>>/int/

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i posted this in the other thread but just got called a faggot. not very helpful.

>>25568858
>They kept telling me I needed to include them!
Why are you listening to worm-brained non-people?

>>25568895
faggot

>>25568895
This is good. It has an eerie, surreal feeling. Very weird, potentially dangerous stuff is happening, and we don't really understand wtf. Well done, faggot.

>>25568829
>the first line just being horribly bland and uninspiring
I thought it was good. It sets up the story (aliens arrive on Earth) and generates curiosity by tacking on something odd (nobody really cares). Can't ask much more of a first line.

>>25568829
>along with the first line just being horribly bland and uninspiring
someone's never read the classics (hitchhiker's guide)

>>25568897
I’m trying to make friends!

>>25568040
>bro wow was NOTORIOUS for ruining people's lives because it was so hardcore!!!
>it was actually one of the most casual mmo's of its time
It's always funny seeing surface level observation used to justify wall of text sophisms

>>25568648
schizophrenic pacing
decide what you want to write; right now it looks like you're trying to write genre slop while also trying to be "literary"
either write about elf ears or whatever this is or write your deep musings on the inner life of trees
i don't need both
this trope where you infodump without elaboration only works if your setting is interesting and nothing about this interests me

>>25568805
instantly bored; i struggled to maintain interest long enough to read this
like above, this is another played out trope (dry, unadorned, matter of fact description of first contact) that hasn't been fresh or interesting for about 80 years
the only way you would ever get away with this is if you were doing something interesting with it but instead it's aggressively generic
if you told me an AI wrote this i would believe you

>>25568859
could pretty much copy my critique above for this one
absurdly derivative
i haven't read a huge amount of sci-fi yet by the end of the first page i already felt like i was reading something i'd read a dozen times before

>>25568864
unwieldy verbosity
clearly pushing yourself to use vocabulary you're not comfortable using
"plastic polymers": plastics are polymers, this is like saying "wet water"
"warm, sultry dampness": sultry means hot and humid; something that is sultry is by definition damp and it's hot, not warm
three more dashes used than were necessary

>>25568895
i hate everything about this
the definition of pretentious
by far the worst thing in the thread

>>25568915
>>25568835
Weird thing is that I don't even really like Douglas Adams. I've read him of course, but he didn't exactly become an inspiration. I don't know where that style came from.

>>25568923
With worm-brained non-people?
Why? Can't you already see they're poisonous?

>>25568929
Tough critic

>>25568934
He's the average half /lit/erate retard. Prolly a bitter 20 something, lit major, knows he has no talent so he lashes out at everyone. His critique isn't really worth much.

>>25568929
This is a case of "when you're not feeling ok with yourself, even the most delicious food tastes like ashes." As long as you'll hate yourself, you won't be able to enjoy any book, no matter how good.

(Not saying that you're wrong hating yourself, you're clearly a worthless individual.)

>>25568936
if you just want someone to suck your dick then you're never going to improve
i'm not trying to be mean; that was unfiltered honesty
if your first reaction to a negative critique is to attempt to personally attack the critic then you're really fucked

which sample was yours? let me know and i'll go into more depth

>>25568941
>give me feedback
>n-no, not like that! i only want positive feedback!

i'm gonna direct you to >>25568944
tell me which sample was yours and i'll elaborate

>>25568929
>derivative
From what? Name similar authors. (Don't say Kafka just because I took and altered "The Trial" incipit, the rest of the text has nothing to do with his style.)
>sci-fi
It's not sci-fi.
>i already felt like i was reading something i'd read a dozen times before
I'm not sure you can read, at this point.

>>25568929
>aggressively generic
Never read a first contact story with sociological satire and clearly played for laughs. (With the possible exception of thrice-damned Douglas Adams.)

>>25568947
Lashing out because you're a talentless jaded little clump of pretentiousness isn't giving feedback.

>>25568929
pray tell, what do you hate about it?

>>25568944
>>25568947
If you were actually trying to be helpful, it's even worse. Do you really not realize that stuff like "derivative" and "pretentious" isn't constructive criticism, especially when used like you did?

First of all, it's entirely unjustified. You cannot conclude that a story is generic after 1.5 pages, you have no idea where the starting setting is going to go. This is like seeing the Universal Studios logo and scoffing "I've already seen a hundred movies like this one".

Second of all, it's clearly coming from someone who enjoys feeling like le sophisticated critic, which means that you're gonna find pretexts to tear down stuff even if they're not really solid. Somebody like you can't really appreciate a story, your approach blinds you.

>>25568944
>if you just want someone to suck your dick
I want actual criticism. Which you can't provide.

>>25568948
>From what?
pretty much any '50s or '50s pulp sci-fi
the whole "poor average guy being dragged through faceless bureaucracy" has been done to death about a million fucking times
very popular back when everyone was writings metaphors for why communism bad

>It's not sci-fi.
the grammar is very lowbrow sci-fi so you could have fooled me
i'm gonna direct you as well to >>25568944
i'm not trying to hurt your feelings buddy; there's no need to try to insult me

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>>25568944
>which sample was yours?
this one

>>25568970
>"My word, I don't know why you're getting so angry. I've been unfailingly polite to you while """subtly""" insulting you."
Are you a woman?

What's the point of writing a book. nobody is going to read the entirety of it. Look at allt hose new ads for books, I bet nobody sold a single copy here.

>>25568970
>grammar shows the slightest bit of sophistication
>call it pretentious
>grammar is agile
>call it lowbrow
We solved literary criticism.

>>25568970
>the whole "poor average guy being dragged through faceless bureaucracy" has been done to death about a million fucking times
That wasn't even the theme of the scene, much less of the whole book.

And those old storied from the 50s didn't do it humorously, they were trying to be a serious social commentary. This is like reading the story of Adam and Eve and going "Ugh, another book about apples, so derivative of so many recipe books."

Again: judging something as "derivative" after 1.5 pages is neither possible nor smart.

>>25568970
I'm not trying to insult you either, I'm just saying that you are not remotely capable of giving valuable criticism. As you insist on demonstrating with every post.

>>25568970
>>25568947
>>25568944
Tell us your favorite authors and why is it Joyce and Pynchon?

>>25568955
>>25568963
>You cannot conclude that a story is generic after 1.5 pages, you have no idea where the starting setting is going to go.
if the first 1.5 pages are generic and boring then what comes after doesn't matter because i won't be reading it
i'm not locked in a room with nothing else to read
if the first couple pages don't give me a reason to want to keep reading then i'm not going to

>>25568957
much of it is so vague that it borders on nonsense, lines like
>Erica received a vision of the future that was an image of the past, and the couple reached a decision

at other times the grammar is extremely awkward
>He felt ashamed of wishing to wake her to question her opinion of himself

the dialogue feels out of place; jarring and inauthentic
if i were editing this i would remove it entirely and it would flow much better


>Do you really not realize that stuff like "derivative" and "pretentious" isn't constructive criticism
how would you describe a line like
>Erica finally lose all desire to understand and in turn understood nothing
other than pretentious?

>>25568999
>if the first 1.5 pages are generic and boring
They're not.
>i won't be reading it
I don't want your kind to.

>>25568979
negative criticism is not an insult
if your writing is bad and i tell you the ways in which it's bad, that's not a personal attack
if you were a carpenter and you'd made a chair and asked my opinion and i said "one of the legs is crooked"
would it be reasonable to start hurling personal insults at me?
you're not a bad person or a bad carpenter just because you've built a crooked chair
the chair is just crooked, that's all

>>25568999
>if i were editing this i would remove it entirely and it would flow much better
"If I were an editor I would remove everything even slightly unusual or daring so I would be sure to get the usual safe regurgitated slop. And I would feel very cultured and smart while doing it."
This does summarize most editors I've met.

>>25569018
>i tell you the ways in which it's bad
You don't do that, you just use vague, thinly veiled insults like "derivative" and "generic", which are simply not constructive.
You can't give proper criticism because you can't really read. You come off as the stereotypical 22 year old lit major who desperately wants to look cool and well read but is actually defeated by every text he meets.

>>25569016
>what do you think about this writing excerpt?
>it's boring
>no it's not! i didn't write it for people like you anyway!!
yeah that's a healthy response to negative feedback

>>25569018
You gotta be trolling, there's no way you're actually trying to critique anything acting like that.

Why is it so hard to sell a book?!

>>25569018
>if I tell you the objective ways it's objectively bad, I can't be blamed, because my judgement built on 130 words is objectively correct
No way anyone is actually this much of a shithead.

>>25569021
You don't provide feedback. It's a healthy response to your kind.

>>25569025
Just knock them over the head and stuff the book in their pocket.

>>25569021
>>25569018
>>25568999
Post some of your writing as an example of what good writing reads like.

>>25568999
that line is crap, i agree.

and pretentious? perhaps.

the rest of your criticism is just flagging the intended effect of the piece. regardless, thanks for reading.

>>25569019
>>25569020
>>25569022
i wish you guys would spend half as much time critiquing each other's writing as you've spent trying to insult me
if you don't like what i had to say then by all means offer your own opinons
i'm still the only reply to
>>25568859
>>25568864


>>25569027
do you think the reader has some sort of debt to you, that they owe you their time?
there are already far, far more published books than a person could ever attempt to read in their entire life
expecting a reader to keep slogging on until it "gets good" is hopelessly naive

when i'm considering reading a new book, i'll read the first paragraph
if that interests me, i'll read the first page
if it still interests me, i'll buy it or add it to my list of books to read or whatever
if the first paragraph doesn't give me a reason to want to keep reading then i'm moving on because there are plenty of books that will
i'm not going to waste my time on something that doesn't give me a reason to do so

if you're expecting your readers to stick around to "see where the story goes" when the beginning doesn't give them a reason to care then you're in for a surprise
it's your job to give them a reason to want to see where the story goes; they don't owe you anything
all i'm telling you is that for me, if this were a book i picked up at a store, i'd have read the first few paragraphs and put it back on the shelf

Stop arguing and read my paragraph about the Regatta

>>25569040
>>25568957
by the way, this is the sort of response to criticism the rest of you should strive to have
if someone told me they hated something i wrote, my first reaction would be to ask them why, not to start lobbing personal insults at them
this guy is confident enough in his own writing to ask why, to agree with a bit, and to consider and dismiss the rest

he didn't get defensive and start attacking me
he considered what i said, disagreed with it, and moved on

>>25568040
How can you live with yourself knowing that by being a writer, you are creating more entertainment, more opium?
Unless you don't agree with your own post at all.

After writing and attempting to write pokemon fan fiction for years, I am considering making a leap and just writing a story with talking animals so I can pretend to be /lit/.

>>25569037
He won't. His kind never does.

>>25569065
>you should strive to dignify my half-literate trolling with humility
No, I'm going to treat you like you deserve.

>>25569065
It's good to expose you vermins for what you are though. You're a hemorroid on the ass of literature. You need to be excised.

>>25569065
Post something you wrote.

>>25569044
Abandon a story after the first word for all I care, but then you don't have the right to express criticism about it, because you literally don't know what you're talking about. Do you understand this? That's the reason why "criticism" like the one you've provided is worthless.

>>25568040
This post really infuriated the useless eaters.

>>25569037
>>25569112
>>25569114
ah yes because all you're just so eager to provide objective and unbiased feedback
i do post my writing in these threads but i'll be doing it anonymously, thanks all the same
i think we all know that you're not making this request in good faith
you're acting like a bunch of children

why don't you give your own critiques of the writing in this thread?
take some of that energy you're using to whine about how wrong my opinions are and use it to provide your own
wouldn't that be a more constructive use of your time?


>>25569115
i read all of what you posted and i provided feedback for what i read, not sure what else you expected
all i can work with is what you provide
the first page is where most people are going to decide if they're going to read your writing or not and you should be putting a level of effort into it that reflects that importance
if your first page is shit then it tells me you either don't care to put in that effort or you did put in the effort and this is the best you can do
either way it means the rest isn't worth my time

if someone told me that something i wrote was generic and boring and they had no interest in reading past the first page then i'd be trying to figure out why, not arguing with them
you're writing for readers, not yourself
it doesn't really matter if you think your writing is the best shit ever if the readers don't agree

you're this one >>25568859, right?
i'm not sure how else you want me to express that i found your writing boring
it bored me; i did not find it interesting
the first sentence isn't bad but then it immediately devolves to beating you over the head with an extremely overused setting and procedure
i don't need the play by play of this guy being walked through a building
if i were editing this i'd tell you to condense the second page to two paragraphs, max
this is one of the most important parts of your story, the part where you give people a reason to want to read the rest of it, and you're wasting it on shit like an entire paragraph for a character to walk through a door
a door which i'll note is an "anonymous" door which is also labelled with a sign describing exactly where it leads
do you know what "anonymous" means?

>>25569153
As expected. Coward.

>>25569153
Nigger you can't even be bothered to employ punctuation and capitalization which tells me that your critique is worth less than nothing.

>>25569153
>i provided feedback for what i read
No, you provided unjustified sweeping statements for what you haven't read (98% of the story). Do you not realize you do that?
After reading what I provided, all you could judge was the little prose you read and whether you would be inclined to continue or not. That's it.

Any critique beyond this that tries to describe the whole story is an unjustified hallucination. You have not read it.

Your method of reading 1 page and jumping to conclusions would lead you (and has certainly led you) to discard all kinds of masterpieces because they committed the unforgivable sin of not hooking you within the first 20 words. John Barth talks about this in "The Floating Opera" (another book your retarded method would prevent you from reading).

You act like the stupidest kind of editor, the one obsessed with inserting "le ebin striking hook" within the first sentence, otherwise you've lost the reader. Reddit tier mentality that pollutes and enshittifies the entire industry.

>>25569153
>i'd be trying to figure out why
You're the one who should explain why, as the "critic". You haven't done it. Spouting vague bullshit like "generic" isn't explaining.

>>25569153
>i don't need the play by play of this guy being walked through a building
>if i were editing this i'd tell you to condense the second page to two paragraphs, max
Consider detoxifying your dopamine receptors so your attention span can exceed 2 paragraphs. Some things require more breathing room.

>wasting it on shit like an entire paragraph for a character to walk through a door
I'd try to explain that a passage isn't necessarily limited to describing an action, it can also communicate impressions, a certain atmosphere, psychological traits of the character, etc., so saying that you're "wasting sentences just to have a character walk through a door" is straight up stupid. I'd try to explain this, if you weren't the interlocutor.

>do you know what "anonymous" means?
Do you? One of its meaning is "unremarkable", not "secret". This would be obvious if you had reading comprehension above that of a 2nd grader.
This actually made me laugh, you don't even realize you betray your actual level with every post you write. You're actually convinced you're making a good impression as le cool dispassionate harsh but fair critic. Hysterical.

the troll has successfully derailed the thread.

again.

>>25569158
>>25569161
>>25569168
>they're STILL trying to have an internet fight with me instead of offering their own critiques
guys i'm glad you like me so much but there are still multiple samples in this thread that have no reply except mine
please believe me when i tell you that i have zero emotional investment in your opinion of me
we can do this all night but you're not gonna hurt my feelings

>>25569166
i think you're misunderstanding
i'm not talking about this from a purely narrative standpoint
my critique of a first page is a critique of grammar and sentence structure as well as anything related to plot or character or setting
i don't need a narrative hook in the first sentence but i do need a well written first sentence
i'm not looking only at what you're writing about but also at how you're writing about it
if you can't write the first sentence or page well then you're not going to be able to write the rest well either

let me put it like this
if you're such hot shit then why am i the only person in the thread to have given you a critique?
surely i'm not the only one to have read your sample
other people have read it, presumably with the intent of providing a critique, and after reading it they felt no urge to reply
nothing to say either good or bad
what do you think that means?
i think it means they found it boring and generic, not even worthy of a reply

>>25569174
it's not a question of attention span
nothing about the setting is in any way original
the faceless bureaucratic labyrinth has been a trope since long before you were born
the reader already knows exactly what to expect; move on to the part where you offer something original

you're not building mood by forcing the reader through pedantic shit like
>they stopped in front of a door
>they knocked on the door
>the door opened
>they entered the door
>the door shut behind them
brother this is the second fucking page; you do not have the real estate for a description of each separate action involved in operating a door
i realize that you've put a lot of work into this and you're very emotionally attached to it
i'm telling you that it's not interesting
that's not a personal attack; it's just my impression
i'd tell you to compare my opinion to other people but no one else seems to want to chime in

>One of its meaning is "unremarkable", not "secret".
the vast, vast majority of doors are "unremarkable"
there is no reason for you to describe it as anything other than a "pale wooden door"
a pale wooden door with no additional descriptors is already unremarkable; you don't need to spell it out
and you don't even call it anonymous, you call it "completely anonymous"
yet in that same sentence we're told it has a sign reading "job interviews"
this is an ominous sign when considering what we've read so far, which would make this door the exact opposite of "completely unremarkable"
if i had been dragged out of bed by two government thugs for a "job interview" and was eventually brought before a door with that same label, i would consider it very remarkable

Little bit of fairy tale shenanigans. I didn't give the character an explicit age, but I imagined around 13. Feedback welcome.

https://rentry.org/kbgp5gco

Stop giving it the attention it so badly desires.

Is it a common thing for writers when working on a sentence to feel that they have a word in mind that is supposed to be the center of the sentence, that entire sentence is to be built around it, yet not have a clue what that word is? It's a word they know, they just cannot pull out of their memory at will.

It's something I experience every other sentence and I wonder if it's common or just a sign I should be writing more.

>>25569025
Supply and demand.

There is a incomprehensible overabundance of supply but a relatively tiny demand.
Not helping is the observation that 99% of stuff is shit so most only bother with what has already been vetted for quality to actually be worth time, effort, and money to engage with.

Meaning not only do you have to put in the effort to write something decent but you also have to in one way or another gain the social proof your particular intended audience requires to pay attention to your stuff, which in many cases is nearly impossible.

Writing as a standalone skill/product is nightmare difficulty.
It's a really good idea to cultivate other attention grabbing skills if you want to be fully independent and just do work for hire contracts.
Like I worked a bit with audio and recording. So if I practice my reading out loud it will basically enable me to make my own audiobooks without having to worry about paying anyone. Which hopefully is enough of a edge to stand out as a beginner independent author.
I also learned a little desktop publishing and graphic design in college. So with a quick refresher I can format my own book and make a serviceable cover that isn't AI slop all on my own.

Likely ain't enough to make money or anything, but it means I don't have to spend anything on what is essentially a very involved hobby.
Which is something.

>>25568970
>lowbrow
You sound like a little shit and you'd stutter and blush if you had to talk to any of us in real life.

Little bitch.

>>25569327
So I should give up writing since nobody will read anything I wrote

>>25569485
If you write but no one ever reads it did you really write at all?

>>25568040
Sounds like projection to me.

Why are you here and not out adventuring or whatever the fuck?

>>25569065
It would actually help if you gave us books that you enjoyed. Reading is better for learning after all

>>25568843
Hard to say what you're doing wrong without an excerpt but if you're being suggested a 'sensitivity reader' then either you're writing them like a caricature of a gay man or they're being SJWs about something inconsequential. Would you care to share a piece of it?

>>25568648
Not really sure what you expect in the way of feedback.
What in particular are you trying to accomplish during the scene and what parts are giving your difficulty?

Overall it just feels like a fragment of a rough scene where the hook hasn't been cast yet.
What point exactly are you trying to get across? What emotions? What is your objective with the scene?

Such things aren't apparent and it seems kinda pointless to do a line edit or proof read what is still in development. I ain't saying this to be rude or passive aggressive like some folks in this thread. It's just you got to get the story structure stuff situated first before worrying too much on the prose. Priorities and all that.

>>25568706
Yeah, they still all fall under the progression fantasy umbrella though. Just a very niche portion of the subgenera. But such stories exist and there is a small audience for them.

Can't name any off the top of my head though. I just remember listening to a TTS version of such a story a few years ago then getting annoyed because the channel that uploaded it got hacked so I never got to listen to part two (I think the original webnovel got paywalled so I never bothered to continue the story reading it normally or using my own TTS reader on it).

Ask around in the webnovel general thread or do some searching on your own. Odds are you can find examples to inspire you.

>>25569495
>you're writing them like a caricature of a gay man
Funnily enough, this is what a 'sensitivity reader' would suggest to do for a gay character. Of course they wouldn't word it like that, but you get the idea. I'm gay, I don't like reading about gay people, and I especially don't like it when every other sentence is talking about how gay they are. The guy you responded to is yanking our chains anyway, but still.

>>25569065
>if someone told me they hated something i wrote, my first reaction would be to ask them why

nigga just explain "why" in your very first post. why are you fucking vagueposting your reviews, giving zero context, and only elaborating AFTER someone asks? you are waltzing in here, loudly announcing "I have a negative review. would you like to hear it? im not gonna say it unless you ask directly" instead of just dropping the fucking review
https://dontasktoask.com/

like holy fuck, then you have the gall to act like the onus is on everyone else for shitting on your vagueposting instead of going through the tedious effort of picking your brain.

>>25568805
I can feel the seething bitterness radiating off it.
It's poison and not something I would ever read for fun.

That is what I think generally and emotionally after having read it.
To put it in more neutral terms, it's not for me.

All that said, nothing actually stood out as wrong as far as structure and prose. It's serviceable on a technical level from a quick once over. However I didn't go through it with a fine tooth comb playing pretend copy editor. Just as a pretend beta reader giving general vibes.

>>25568843
I think it depends on the genera and genera expectations as well as how much a focus their homosexual lifestyle plays into the story. (I am aware of how unhelpful that statement, but it's as best I can do without knowing the particulars)

That said sensitivity readers are a grift and your writing group sound retarded. If they can't actually point out exactly and specifically what is so offensive about it nor explain why then they are just moralfagging for in-group clout and ideologically purity reasons.

>>25568858
Are you writing the story or are they writing the story.

Write what you want. If you don't need gays in your story then don't include them. Everything isn't for everybody and everybody doesn't need to be "represented" in everything.

Again, just sounds like they are moralfagging retards who don't actually have any sort of perspective.

>>25568859
Amusing. Put a smile on my face due to the absurdity and I would be willing to read on to find out what happens next.

>>25568864
This also not something I personally would willingly read despite there being no glaring issues on a craft level.

I simply disagree with the ideas it puts forth and think the argument for those ideas are wrong.
The writing however is passable despite me not liking it.

>>25569217
>its the fat fetish guy again
lmao

im all for the eroticism but i think the setup is illogical. the wolf threatens to eat her mom or other villagers but that threat is never accounted for. there needs to be a reason he has to eat HER specifically. maybe make the wolf a pedophile who only likes young girls?

also i just find it odd his excuse is that he can't fit a big prey in his belly. he's a wolf not a snake. maybe his excuse is thet he hates high fatty content, too rich for his tastes, he's trying to stay slim himself? or i dunno, just think the setup needs to be a little more clever so i can nod my head to it all

>>25568895
This one confused me.
It's really not clear what is going on or what you are trying to accomplish with this scene.
Then again I am quite tired so maybe that is part of it.
Regardless my main gut reaction to this passage is:
Wat?

Might be presumptuous of me, but I would recommend rewriting to make more clear.

>>25568929
I see the troll is at it again trying to kill the thread by being a jackass painted up by the clowns for a circus show.

I doubt you will be satisfied until you have personally destroyed every writing related thread on this site with your foolishness.

>>25569022
Yeah, he does this every single thread.
Dude legit has some sort of mental problem. He has at points even admits that he is just trolling and thinks it is a valid form of literature in the past.

Don't engage with him in good faith. In fact, don't engage with him at all. Just learn to ignore him. He hates that and starts samefagging up a storm when you do that. It's really funny.

>>25569099
Go for it.
Xenofiction has a decent fan base. Plus unlike with pokemon, if it's good you can sell it without Nintendo sending hit men after you.

>>25569539
It's Fairy tale logic. I'm sorry something that preschoolers understand has stymied you.

Thoughts on writing while drunk?

>>25569485
My point is that writing alone isn't enough.
You have to in addition to writing do other things outside of the craft of writing.
Be it social skills to network.
Marketing and self promotion skills to get attention on yourself.
Or other arts and crafts to boost your visibility so you can stand out to your target audience better.
Hell, even spending time getting good at figuring out how to game a particular platform's algorithm or culture can be the difference between a audience of tens to a audience of tens of thousands.

It ain't hopeless. It just takes more than most would expect.
A lot of creative stuff is actually like this. It's one of the reasons artist of all stripes complain about how undervalued art in general is. It's a shit ton of work for very minimal gain unless you get lucky.
It's also why you have to love the process. External validation is hard to come by, so you have to learn to validate yourself in the mean time, especially as you are still honing your craft.

>>25569572
fairy tales are cleverly written though, have you ever read one? i think you just had a desired solution that you wanted to force no matter what, but the suggested problem doesn't match the solution

>>25569576
Not a fan.

Stims are for writing. Not depressants.

I do like editing while high on weed though. Helps me see my work through new eyes.

>>25569580
Is this a humiliation fetish thing where you act retarded just to get people to insult you?

The engagement farming in this thread, even if unintentional, should be a lesson for everyone. Writers nowadays need to master the art of it.
>>25569504
Thanks.

>>25569596
bro your ass aint even the author, quit trolling

>>25569153
Everyone’s buttmad at this anon for his feedback but it all seems pretty constructive to me, he’s been pointing out overlooked details that don’t make sense, misused words, boring writing. And he’s right about the beginning of a story as far as I’m concerned. The only time I would let a boring intro slide is if I am recommended a book by someone I trust with the expectation that it will pay off later.

>>25569539
Nod your head? What are you an indian?

>>25569658
>*glug glug glug*

I don't know if it is alright to ask questions here without a draft, but I will ask anyway since I am kind of lost. I want to write a wrestling or grappling scene. How detailed, or perhaps just "how" in general, should I write this? Though the moves and locks have names, what's actually happening is not clear unless you look them up. When I myself read them described in martial arts sources, the poses are not clear to me without an attached photo.
Are there any writers that do this well?

>>25569678
Just focus on how they’re embarrassed by their throbbing erections.

>>25569680
Think you want this guy anon >>25568843

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2.63 MB GIF

>>25569666
indians invented nodding? vishnu is a bloody nigger, saar

>>25569678
Describing grappling in detail to a general audience is pretty hard and for the vast majority of the time isn't necessary for most stories.

Maybe if the story was primarily about grappling, like it was a book about pro-wrestling or something where the target reader should know the move names from watching pro-wrestling, then it would make sense to go into detail.

Otherwise detailed blow by blow is rarely the right way to do a fight scene, especially when grappling is involved.

>>25569689
I see, I will probably rethink it then. Thanks a lot anon.

>>25568895
>Nothing else happened.
I felt like nothing at all happened after finishing this. What are you even trying to portray here? I'm actually perplexed at this. Why the slap? Why the complete and utter non reaction to the slap? Why the blood? Why the entire shower sequence? Non of it felt coherent or like it was pointing toward anything coherent. It all felt like a bunch of shit happened that made no sense, the end. Also it's hard to make out whose saying what. Add some dialogue tags.

>>25568927
it's always funny seeing people focus on one tiny part of a greentext, blow it completely out of proportion, and lack the self-awareness to realize they just told on themselves

>>25568968
you got free critique, it was worth everything you paid for it, and you're surprised?

>>25569082
Never said anything about reading being a drug. What are you even on about?

How do I know if I’m good enough to write?

>>25569248
Then use a placeholder word, and eventually, the correct word will come to you. You really couldn't figure that out?

>>25569488
I'm not a NEET. I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I'm preaching to.

>>25569749
It's about a couple; they split. If I explained the rest it wouldn't be perplexing, now would it? Have you ever tried what the shower scene is depicting? It's quite an unsettling experience.

File: 1781336257532265.gif (3.71 MB, 460x320)

3.71 MB GIF

>>25569774
I have heard that prose should evoke feeling in the reader. So maybe write some smut then read it in a week and see if you get a boner? You would know that you're good enough to write smut at least.

>>25569248
I don't fuck around. When this happens to me it's straight to Wordhippo thesaurus until I find the word I'm looking for.

Q: Can you give me your name and occupation?
A: my name is Darlene Burke and I work at the diner where the incident In question happened
Q: Could you please give me a rundown of what you were doing on the night before Mr Duchamp had emerged onto the scene.
A: Just minding my own business talking shit with the regulars and doing some last minute cleaning up before closing time and waiting for the bar-flies to head on home since it was almost midnight so I was biding my time until then so I could finally lock up for the night and go.
Q: That's when Mr Duchamp appeared.
A: Yes.
Q: Had any of you encountered Maurice Duchamp before the night he showed up at the diner?
A: No. This was out first time meeting him. We're all local so whenever a stranger stumbles into town it leaves an impression on us.
Q: What were your initial impressions of him when he erattically entered the diner?
A: honestly thought I would have to make a reach for the safety gun hidden under the counter. Every diner has one just in case since you never know especially in this line of work. I didn't like the look of him. Neither did the others in the bar.
Q: You mentioned hiding a gun beneath the counter could you give me the exact model.
A: We keep a .357 Magnum under there.
Q: A solid choice. Light but powerful.
A: if you don't mind me asking how is Mr Duchamp doing right now?
Q: His vital signs are pretty stable currently but when he fully recovers we can expect him to give his testimony on events that transpired that night.
A: Okay.
Q: That's a natural reaction to have I guess. You were concerned for your own safety. What were his first words that you rememeber him saying to you.
A: Gibberish.
Q: Gibberish?
A: yeah. At first I could barely make anything out that he was saying. It was indecipherable. Thought maybe that he was a homeless drugged up on something or maybe that he had escaped from the nuthouse.
Q: That's a fair assumption to make.
A: But then his words started to come in much more clearer. It wasn't until after one of the regulars had managed to restrain him to the ground that he started talking more sense but still it all sounded so crazy to all of us .
Q: Which of the regulars was it that managed to restrain Mr Duchamp?
A: it was Earl. Earl Woods.
Q: How often did he come by the diner.
A: Almost every night since he lived pretty close by
.
Q: Do you remember what it was that he said that unnerved you.
A: bits and pieces but we were cut off before we could get any kind of coherent information out of him.
Q: Cut off from what?
A: The dogs across the street where Earl-one of the regulars live, they just started going apeshit for some reason. He was pretty startled by their cries so he went to head out to go and check what was wrong with them. Only he gave us a warning beforehand
Q: What kind of warning?
A: He said that if we went out there that we would all die.

Thoughts on how I am handling this interview section? Feels like the guy is autistic

>>25569509
>nigga just explain "why" in your very first post.
my first post was >>25568929 which is just about at the character limit
if i'm just going through every sample in the thread then i'm giving a brief review not an in depth critique
every single reply explains "why"
if someone cares i can go into a more detailed "why" and you can see that i've done exactly that, down to the point of singling out individual sentences and misused words
but there's nothing lacking in what i provided

there's been a lot of seething over my use of words like "boring" or "generic"
like if i don't find a sample interesting or original then that's not valid unless i elaborate
it's your job as a writer to make your writing interesting
i could take the samples i considered boring and provide suggestions to make them more interesting
but then i'm becoming less of a critic and more of an editor

that aside, you're presumably writing for the average person, not an audience of critics
you can and will encounter people who simply don't know enough about writing to be able to give you the kind of detailed breakdown of the faults in your writing that you'd get from your english professor
>it's boring
is perfectly valid and while you're free to ask the reader to elaborate, most of the time that's all you're really going to get
it's your job as an aspiring writer to develop an ability to examine your work in the light of this sort of critique
it's not my job to edit your work
it's your job to read what you've written and think, "why would someone consider this boring?"
remember that something you've written will always be much more interesting to you than it will to someone else
just because you personally find it interesting does not mean that anyone else will, especially when you're reading an early page with foreknowledge of what happens later in the story
your reader doesn't know that this is building toward a payoff that makes the boring stuff worth it
all they know is that they're bored


>>25569658
amateur writers tend to be very emotionally attached to their writing
they don't have the experience or success to be confident and as evidenced by this thread, they take any negative criticism as a personal attack
the reality is that no one on earth has ever written a masterpiece in their first attempt
your early writing will be shit, no exceptions
improving your writing to the point that it stops being shit requires learning to identify the exact things making it shit and improving on them
most people never get past that step

i told one guy in this thread that i found his sample boring
he replied "it's not boring, you're wrong"
that's the attitude of a person who will never improve

how long should an epilogue be? is 3k words fine?

>>25568648
>>25568805
>>25568895
AI slop

>He galloped down the docks, over heaps of rotting fish and blackened timbers and past surly sailors, and halted before the vessel, his mare rearing.

something feels wrong about this sentence and I cannot figure what exactly

>>25569900
too long, too wordy
the autistic feeling is coming from the language being too dry and technical, with too much elaboration on the part of the girl answering
go watch some bodycam interrogations on youtube; people generally don't offer additional information past what they're asked
something like
>A: Just minding my own business talking shit with the regulars and doing some last minute cleaning up before closing time and waiting for the bar-flies to head on home since it was almost midnight so I was biding my time until then so I could finally lock up for the night and go.
would be perfectly fine and more realistic if it were just
>A: Just doing some last minute cleaning up before closing time

same thing for
>A: honestly thought I would have to make a reach for the safety gun hidden under the counter. Every diner has one just in case since you never know especially in this line of work. I didn't like the look of him. Neither did the others in the bar.
no one talks like this and this is a very show don't tell sort of line
you're having this girl offer way to much explanation, presumably to bolster the narrative, but it has the side effect of making her sound unnatural

i'd also say that the questions and answers sound like the same voice
it's fine for the guy doing the interview to sound dry and technical, that just reads as him being a professional doing his job, but the answers should be more colorful, especially if it's going to be an extended section of dialogue only
you can't break it up with narration so you need to make the questions and answers more distinct via grammar and vocabulary
i don't know the characters or context but just on the surface, i don't buy a waitress at a diner using words like "indecipherable" or "coherent" or "beforehand"

>>25569921
bit long, using "and" three times in a single sentence is pushing it
look for places where you can condense and streamline
galloping down the docks and past blackened timbers is excessive if those timbers are part of the docks
he doesn't need to go "over" fish and "past" sailors when both are just scenery he's passing

i'd do something like this, though i still don't love the second half
>He galloped down the blackened timbers of the docks, past heaps of rotting fish and surly sailors, and halted before the vessel, his mare rearing.

>>25569906
>at the character limit, if i'm just going through every sample in the thread
well that's your own folly for trying to shotgun everything in one post, lmao. as someone who even agreed with 4/5 of those reviews in the post you linked, boring/generic is serviceable as a neutral average reader type of opinion, although without an explanation, this could just be your own tastes and preferences talking, like maybe you just don't fucking like the genre. it's too vague to pinpoint down, especially considering you called EVERYTHING boring, it suggests a bias in your own tastes. like clearly you're looking for something exotic, but at the same time, normal readers would want something familiar to ease them into the story. and "this is pretentious i hate this" is honestly just a middle finger with no explanation.

>remember that something you've written will always be much more interesting to you than it will to someone else
also remember that this goes both ways. this is a thread of writers, writing their own stories, thus, other stories don't really interest writers, unless its relevant to their own interests, and analyzing it would bring some sort of inspiration or insight or knowledge, etc, to them

that's probably one of the biggest problems of /wg/. its all writers and zero readers. very lopsided demographic. even if you dropped an entire novel here, no one's going to beta read it and give thorough feedback. all people can do is post "first chapters" and self-contained segments, because nothing else works without context. all the writers crave big critique and but can only spare the time to give small amounts of critique

>>25569906
>he replied "it's not boring, you're wrong"
>that's the attitude of a person who will never improve
what you find boring lots of others might find interesting or esthetic
your opinion is just that: an opinion
anons stubbornness could easily be a good thing. accepting all feedback as truth is not a beneficial trait for an artist

>>25570032
you sound like a woman

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this is what clod had to say about my first draft. surprisingly, he's more savage than my alpha readers lol

>>25570034
you're the one who thinks people should just do whatever you say as if your personal preferences are objective
then gets mad about people sticking to their sense of aesthetics
you're the woman here anon

>>25569996
>he's STILL writing paragraphs of this endless bickering
i've already asked half a dozen times in this thread
but i'll ask again
why are you putting all this effort into seething over my personal opinion

i am once again asking you to spend that effort giving your own critiques of the samples in this thread
if you thin skinned babies would have put half the effort into reviewing each other's work that you have trying to insult me then this would be the best thread we've had in years

>all the writers crave big critique and but can only spare the time to give small amounts of critique
i have given huge posts full of critique to those who seemed to want more
look at how much wasted effort you've put into critiquing my critique
fucking retarded
stop seething over my personal opinion and
provide
your
own

my story takes place in a city very much inspired by 17th century Venice and Amsterdam. The third chapter takes place at a brothel, where the protag takes three "teenage" boys (16 years old) to have their first woman, as a guise for him searching the true purpose of the establishment. The setting of the novel is rather dark, as it covers a bloody rebellion and multiple adult themes, so it's not like this is some children's story featuring minors having sex


I've been told by beta readers that this scene is highly problematic and that I should pump up the characters' ages to 18 years old. Please tell me I'm just not american enough to understand these types of complaints about a setting clearly much different than 21st century north america

>>25570070
keep in mind that there's not even a scene of them explicitly having sex, just them heading to the brothel and mentioning it a couple chapters later in a throwaway line

>>25570070
I would very much disregard any opinion regarding writing (especially fantasy) by Americans. I'm an American myself but identity politics have destroyed the brains of the majority of this cursed nation.

something something poisoned wells

>>25570108
i would extend this to pretty much all anglophone (include western european) fantasy circles as it's all muddled with trannies

>>25570058
ive only made two posts bro, and im literally agreeing with you? you're mistaking me for the other guys. im innocent, i was just trying to explain why your critique is getting shitted on, not shit on it

>look at how much wasted effort you've put into critiquing my critique
>stop seething over my personal opinion
ok but look at how much wasted effort you've put into critiquing my critique of your critique
stop seething over my personal opinion on your personal opinion

all posts are writing, and thus, subject to critique

>>25570128
>he's STILL trying to have an internet fight instead of critiquing the writing samples in the thread

Give me one good reason why I should waste my time reading your shitty book.

>>25570070
highly problematic sells if you don't get ding dong bannu'd. its not about being american but dealing with the credit card companies

File: absolutely horrifying smu(...).jpg (109 KB, 526x831)

109 KB JPG

behold
wry thing

>>25569780
So in reality you are just telling people you don't like to go away.

How childish.

>>25569913
Yeah, that sounds fine. The max size of a epilogue is around the size of a normal chapter in your book.

Longer ones are a symptom of structural issues in the story telling (not wrapping up the plot threads within the story), or excessive set up for a sequel (in which case trim the fat and just put that stuff in the new book).

>>25570220
millennials are a plague on the earth

>>25569921
Generally you only get one "and" for a sentence or it feels like a run-on.

>>25570171
nta but that's what you've been doing for like 20 posts too, except (ironically) way more prolifically than them. you're the one keeping the derail alive singlehandedly
self awareness isn't your strong suit

>>25570199
I’ll be your best friend if you do!

>>25570199
Is good book sir, is good book

>>25570228
Is there a book with this theme? If not, its your chance.

>>25570276
every work written that takes itself seriously and doesn't wink at the camera at every opportunity is a strike against the goyllennial hordes

>>25570245
the majority of my posts in this thread are critiques
i can tell by how upset you are that one of the samples was yours
i'm sorry i didn't like your writing buddy, it just wasn't very good
tell me which one was yours and i can give you some more detail
or i guess you can keep trying to insult me but i promise you you're not gonna hurt my feelings

in all seriousness, why aren't you offering your own critiques?
you can seethe at me all you want but since you're here anyway, give these people some feedback

>>25570220
this was professionally published

>>25570220
the wavey word effect is making this 1.3x funnier to me

I’ve written a whole 128 words today. I’m pooped! That’s it for the week.

>>25570277
>goyllennial hordes
Well that just happened.

>>25570283
>i can tell by how upset you are that one of the samples was yours
no, i don't post writing here. and i'm not whoever you think i am, i am not one of the people who was chain replying to you
get some help for your addiction to arguing. the way you've kept responding to all comers for so many hours straight is scary

I regularly use both semicolons and exclamation marks in my writing

>>25570328
That’s disgusting. Do you type your mother with those hands?

>>25570319
>the way you've kept responding to all comers for so many hours straight is scary
i'm chilling at work and my app notifies me when someone replies to me
i've put more time and effort into my longer posts offering critiques but one like this take less than a minute
i don't know why you guys try to pass this off as some sort of insult
>y-you keep replying to people who are talking to you!
yes that is the point of this site

>no, i don't post writing here
i think we both know this isn't true but you can lie about it if you want i guess
i notice you keep ignoring me asking you to provide your own critiques
surely you're not that much of a soulless npc that you can't form an opinion?
all this effort seething at me and you can't spare a bit to give feedback?
i'm flattered that you like me so much but please, take a deep breath and remember the point of this thread

>>25570277
I want to read one

>>25570034
You sound like a retard with a chip on your shoulder.

>>25570363
>i think we both know this isn't true but you can lie about it if you want i guess
not sure what this projection is but no, when i was a baby writer like 4 years back i would sometimes post work. i got either ignored or "this is good" level vagueposts
i have long since learned there is no value doing so. it's mostly opinionated people like you who think they're delivering God's truth, if not outright trolls

>>25570634
nta
why do you still post here after four years? i started lurking recently to absorb knowledge but so far im struggling to see the value of it

>>25569762
Sorry but your whole point was fundamentally flawed because you simply don't understand the scope of your own post
Your concession is graciously accepted, however

>>25570634
>doesn't post his own writing
>doesn't post critiques
>spent 4 years lurking the thread looking to start petty arguments
what a wasted life
again, if you're such an experienced expert writer after 4 years of practice (lmao) and you think the critiques being provided here are worthless
then again
for like the 20th time
share your opinion
show us how it should be done
there are still multiple samples in this thread with no one but me offering an opinion

i get, it you don't like me
you've done such a good job being brave enough to repeat yourself for hours on end
surely you've gotten it out of your system by now
if i've done such a poor job of offering critiques
offer yours
contribute something to the thread other than this endless bitching

i can see you're desperate for attention but every post you make is more boring than the last
if your next post doesn't contain some critiques of what's been posted in this thread then i'm not going to waste any more replies on you

>>25569916
Never stops being hilarious, bro. Keep doing it.

>>25569906
>they take any negative criticism as a personal attack
They're mostly pointing out that your style of critique is worthless, since it doesn't produce constructive criticism. (And you're seething and getting emotional over it.)

>>25570649
because I write a lot and this is the writing thread. I really dont post much though, often less than once per thread
agree that its valueless though
>>25570682
tldr honestly
cant believe you're still writing essays

>>25569900
>my name is Darlene Burke and I work at the diner where the incident In question happened
Nobody speaks like this.

>waiting for the bar-flies
This is not like a waitress would speak. It's like a guy THINKS a waitress would speak.

>We're all local so whenever a stranger stumbles into town it leaves an impression on us.
Even this is not how a real waitress from a small town would speak. People give their impression, not a sociological/psychological explanation for why they had that impression.

That other guy is a shit critic, but he's right that this is too wordy and sounds unnatural.

>>25569531
>I simply disagree with the ideas it puts forth and think the argument for those ideas are wrong
What ideas do you think it's putting forth and why do you disagree?
Genuinely curious.

>>25570692
At this point I'm almost ready to side with the troll. Why are you spending so much time here if you're not going to give people advice?

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Wrote this in a few minutes right now. Doesn't really have a title yet.

What do you guys think?

>>25570692
Can you give me your opinion of this: >>25570721

These threads could be valuable if the few non-trolls actively try.

>>25570730
he's just bullshitting you, guys like that don't actually write
i've been trying all day to get him to give his opinion on the samples in this thread
he'll reply in under 5 minutes to try to fight with me but disappears when someone asks him to contribute to the thread

>>25570721
i don't care for "my girlfriend and I" used as a suffix, especially repeatedly
i'm struggling to find much to say
it's bland and inoffensive and the blandness is accentuated by an overuse of short sentences and simple vocabulary
nothing especially interesting is happening, certainly nothing that i'd consider a great, exhilarating memory or an out of character transgression for a boring middle aged couple
they're not inconsiderate people and they don't like to make others annoyed or uncomfortable
but knowing that they're annoying the locals is good and entertaining?

>>25570801
>nothing especially interesting is happening
Thank you for confirming your utter incompetence. You can be quiet now.
Maybe when you learn how to read properly, you can comment.

>>25570721
You go off the side walk to find a path, then you start talking about yourself and your girlfriend. Then you strangely jump to describing her as narrow and almost invisible because of the overgrown vegetation. oh wait, that's the path! literally can't even keep the flow going over the two opening sentences

>>25570363
>i'm chilling at work
On a Sunday?

>>25570721
Don't listen to this mongoloid: >>25570801
He's a midwit who thinks he's smart. Like every midwit, he's unable to read beyond surface level.

The story actually says a lot.

You can feel the subtle desperation from the MC. Life is boring and dull and so he feels anxious to manufacture happy memories to use them as a crutch in the future. He intentionally tries to live a happy stereotype, even at the cost of going against his nature (he's not rash or inconsiderate but he decides to strip and dive into the river, annoying the locals and breaking the law).
Even the language reveals the intention to live a clichè ("The river is a postcard").

He also sees the world as hostile: not just life but Nature itself is out to get him ("the huge rocks waiting to hit us on the shin").

He treats the whole experience as a medicine to keep going. A play. He essentially enters a stage (the creek is hidden, separated from the rest of the world, you can't see the buildings and the road anymore even though they're described as very close).

Everything is a prop in this little theather production, even his girlfriend (who is never named because her function is not to be a person but a role).

The problem is that he's aware that this is just a trick. And a magician's trick doesn't work if you know exactly what it is. As nice as the experience is (the cool water, the swim), he starts to feel dread, realizing that it's not working. The happy memory he's trying so hard to build is not going to do its job as a painkiller.

Suddenly the environment is unpleasant (the water is cold, the rock scratches him) and he wants to get out (of the water and also of this life, it's implied).

Tight and rich, much denser than it looks. 8.5/10

>>25570804
buddy if that really is something you wrote in a few minutes then it's not worth getting this aggressively defensive
fill me in, what exactly do you think is so interesting about the scene you're describing?
i grew up in a city with a large river running through it
people swam in it all the time; i swam in it with girlfriends dozens of times
it wasn't illegal (why would it be?) and it certainly wasn't some once in a lifetime "exhilarating, great memory building" experience
the narrator's description of his interpretation of the experience is at odds with the experience being described
it's at best a fun afternoon

i notice you also ignored the point of him describing himself as a timid, considerate person who doesn't like to bother others, then one paragraph later he's telling us that he thinks it's "good" and "entertaining" that he's bothering others
i believe you when you say you only spent a few minutes on this because it's very inconsistent

>>25570809
the entire world doesn't shut down on sundays, believe it or not

>>25570810
this is what taking too many creative writing classes does to a motherfucker
i realize you're trying make a show of putting my in my place for being so darn stupid but you're just making shit up
that said i appreciate you actually offering your opinion, silly as it is
sometimes the curtains are just blue

>>25570721
The whole swim is an attempt to manufacture proof that life contains a happy moment. Then the narrator notices the set: cold, scratch, exit.

The ending doesn’t explain the despair; it lets the body break character. That’s the sharpest move here.

The repeated “my girlfriend and I” keeps framing them as a unit, while her lack of independent detail makes her feel like a prop in his private movie.

“We’re building memories” gives the game away a little early, but the deliberate postcard cliché earns that bluntness.

I like the schizophrenic feeling: first he says one thing (we don't do things like this; the water is delightful), then he says and does the opposite (he does the thing; the water is cold).

Good trip report, anon. The river doesn’t care about the aesthetic.

>>25570806
Are you legitimately stupid or trolling?

>>25570818
Be quiet. You're subliterate.

>>25570801
>blandness is accentuated by an overuse of short sentences and simple vocabulary
What was that Hemingway quote? "Poor fellow, he thinks that you need big words to communicate big ideas"?

>middle aged
Only broccoliheads consider mid-thirties middle age. You once again confirm your undeveloped brain.

>>25570818
>you're just making shit up
Am not. There are clear hints in the text towards its meaning, and I even quoted them.

It's not even a particularly arcane story, we're not talking Amy Hempel here. It's fairly straightforward. (If you can read beyond 3rd grade level.)

I'd encourage you to try Hempel or Cechov, but if that story went completely over your head, you'd get painfully filtered by them.

>>25570818
>sometimes the curtains are just blue
The stupidest excuse you can use for your incompetence as a reader. I have never heard an intelligent person use it.

Do you really think somebody would write an entire story without any meaning to communicate? You think that guy just wanted to tell about taking a dip once? Nothing else?
You think the contradictory statements of the MC and the allusive language that makes the environment appear hostile are just a coincidence?
But you didn't even notice these things.

>>25570801
>nothing especially interesting is happening, certainly nothing that i'd consider a great, exhilarating memory or an out of character transgression
Isn't that the point? They're boring people, lived a boring life, are both desperate to build some artificial meaning, so they do something rude and even technically illegal in a failed effort to do so. Even when they try to be transgressive, they end up being bland. They're trapped into their own boringness.
That said, just because the event described is bland, it doesn't follow that the idea being expressed is as well.

>>25570818
>little bitch is seething because some random anon wrote in 5 minutes something far better than he'll ever be able to shit out in his lifetime
You love to see it.
Is your masterful trolling making you feel as cool as you figured it would?

>>25570828
>>25570834
my son, you aren't in class dissecting the work of renowned master writer
you are on 4chan reading something an amateur "wrote in a few minutes" and you're making a fool of yourself projecting so much nonsense onto it
if you were as confident in your analysis as you're pretending to be then you wouldn't be absolutely seething like this

purely positive critiques are worthless
reddit is that way if you just want to have a circle jerk
amateur writers are almost exclusively bad writers
if someone is posting their work here looking for feedback with the aim of improving their writing then you're doing them a disservice by mindlessly glazing it
especially when it's the sort of performative nonsense you're writing

>Do you really think somebody would write an entire story
brother, it's 5 paragraphs

i think it's pretty funny to note that there would be little to no cocksucking going on of 5 paragraphs written by someone in a few minutes if this guy >>25570841 didn't respond to it first

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>>25570828
>Are you legitimately stupid or trolling?
Are you? Idiot? Do you not fucking understand how to structure a coherent thought at all? In fact, here: even the AI instantly spots it. You absolute fucking sub-80 iq mongrel.

>>25570818
>it wasn't illegal (why would it be?)
It's illegal pretty much everywhere in Europe.

>i notice you also ignored the point of him describing himself as a timid, considerate person who doesn't like to bother others, then one paragraph later he's telling us that he thinks it's "good" and "entertaining" that he's bothering others
I didn't ignore anything and it's not "inconsistent", you just can't read. This guy got it: >>25570810 "He intentionally tries to live a happy stereotype, even at the cost of going against his nature (he's not rash or inconsiderate but he decides to strip and dive into the river, annoying the locals and breaking the law)."

>what exactly do you think is so interesting about the scene you're describing?
The point is not the scene but the ideas expressed through it.
You can describe a guy just drinking a glass of water, it doesn't necessarily follow that that action is not worth describing. Maybe he had an abusive mother who prevented him from drinking water, so he had to survive licking moisture off the wall, and drinking a whole glass of water was an inconceivable decadent luxury. It could even be the final scene of a novel. It could have impact.
It's not the action, it's the ideas being expressed.

>>25570837
>Isn't that the point?
Yes.

>>25570834
>>25570828
>>25570810
>>25570844
Also yes.

>>25570837
>Isn't that the point?
i don't know, it's only 5 paragraphs
if that's what the author intended then me telling him that i found it uninteresting is valuable feedback
it lets him know that it's being interpreted as he intended

>>25570840
i waited 90 minutes for someone to reply to give that guy a critique
no one did and i suspected that if i did, you wouldn't be able to help yourself and would come running to offer your own to show me how wrong i am
i'm glad i was able to convince you to participate in the thread
next time, try to do it without me egging you on

there are many samples earlier in the thread
>>25568648
>>25568805
>>25568859
>>25568864
>>25568895
and i'd love for you to share your insight into the deep subtext that i missed when critiquing them

>>25570844
that was the intended effect
with any luck i'll get their opinions on other writing in this thread as well

>>25570841
>projecting so much nonsense
I refuse to believe you actually don't get it even after multiple people explained it to you. (And the story itself was already pretty clear.)

>seething
Explaining why you're a half-literate shitwit doesn't qualify as seething.
You replying obsessively to every message for 3 days, on the other hand...

>purely positive critiques are worthless
Good thing nobody asked for those.

>reddit is that way if you just want to have a circle jerk
He said the thing! He's soo cool and fits in so well with le bOaRd cUlTuRe!

>amateur writers are almost exclusively bad writers
Not all of them. And someone with your reading comprehension is going to be both a shit writer and a shit critic.

>with the aim of improving their writing
How does misunderstanding everything, missing obvious hints and vomiting some vague dismissive "critique" improve their writing?

>performative
That's you, little bitch.

>brother, it's 5 paragraphs
A new argument: it's short, so it can't be saying much.
Astonishing stupidity. I take back the suggestion to read Hempel, you don't deserve it and wouldn't be capable of it anyway.

>>25570850
>he's coaching AI to justify his stupidity
This place can be disconcerting.

I'm being completely serious: you are too stupid to read. You need to go back to 1st grade. Not joking or insulting, simply describing the truth. You were defeated by 2 sentences that anybody with an IQ above their shoe size would get with no issue.

>>25570854
>i don't know, it's only 5 paragraphs
You would know if you could read them.

>it lets him know that it's being interpreted as he intended
Everybody already knows illiterate people can't interpret a text.

>i suspected that if i did, you wouldn't be able to help yourself
le master manipulator

>>25570854
>deep subtext that i missed when critiquing them
Those are not full stories. Short stories are conclusive, you can actually express an all-encompassing judgement on them. All you can say from those excerpts is if there are grammar mistakes, if the style is at least readable, if you would continue or not. That's it.

>>25570859
i'm glad i got you worked up enough to finally share your opinion on someone's writing
sorry you're still so upset
there are lots of other samples posted in this thread
how about you stop being mad at me and go review them as well

>>25570851
>why yes, every single positive thing said and every description of the elaborate subtext in my writing was 100% correct
now you're just being silly

unless you think that your writing is already perfect then you should value negative opinions more than positive
the posts you're replying to like
>yes, they got it, they understand my genius!
are what middle aged housewives in writing clubs do, taking turns flattering each other and carefully avoiding saying anything negative
what are you going to do if all you have is a room of people taking turns telling you how much they like your writing?
not improve, that's for sure

>>25570865
we get it bro you're very smart
much smarter than me that's for sure
and i'm sure you can tell how wrong i was in the things i said about
>>25568648
>>25568805
>>25568859
>>25568864
>>25568895
and i'd really love it if you could show us what an insightful and well read person like yourself would say about them

>>25570867
>you should value negative opinions more than positive
You should value well-reasoned opinions, dipshit. Positive or negative. Start providing those and people will stop shitting on your head.

>what are you going to do if all you have is a room of people taking turns telling you how much they like your writing?
And what do you think is gonna happen if all you have is a half-literate dipshit who can't even parse a simple text of 5 paragraphs?

I actually have stuff to do now, maybe I'll come back later to shit on you some more.

>>25570871
>much smarter than me that's for sure
Not much to brag about. (Verification not required)

>>25570872
>maybe I'll come back later to shit on you some more.
i'd rather you came back and offered your opinion on the other excerpts anons have posted
please believe me when i tell you that i have zero emotional investment in this thread
i promise you, you're not going to hurt my feelings

>>25570873
yeah bro very clever
hey did you know there are a lot of other writing samples in this thread that people posted asking for feedback?
what's your opinion on those?

>>25570850
After AI slop, we have AI critique. Going in the right direction, boys.

>>25570880
Is the AI's analysis incorrect?

>>25570850
That correction is much worse. The original phrasing doesn't really generate any confusion (of course "narrow, almost invisible doesn't refer to the girl"), but writing "we follow a path to the river -- narrow, almost invisible" makes you believe that the river is what's narrow and almost invisible. Shit suggestion. Not surprising, since it's AI. What's surprising is that shit-for-brains like you can't see it.

>>25570882
Yes. Too literal, obstinately nitpicky (the prompt was surely something like "Tell me why this doesn't work", which coaches it to tell you what you want) and the suggested solution is obviously wrong, as explained here >>25570885

Did you really need someone to tell you that? You can't see it for yourself?

>>25570877
>i have zero emotional investment in this thread
Jesus, how many times do you reply to threads you're emotionally invested in?

Also, post your writing.
Differently from you, I'll be fair. If I have something to criticize I'll explain exactly what it is, instead of worthless bullshit like "it's boring". I'm curious to see what someone with the reading comprehension you've displayed can write.

>>25570867
>now you're just being silly
I did mean to say exactly those things though. I wrote the story with those concepts in mind: the anxious need to manufacture meaning out of a bland or unpleasant experience, even at the cost of doing something embarassing (as an introvert, stripping to jump into a river in front of disapproving people would NOT be "bland"), the sudden realization that it's not working, the quiet desperation, Nature being hostile, the protagonist being self-absorbed and treating his gf like a prop.

I meant all of that.

>>25570894
yeah i'm not buying it
even if you're hypothetically being honest, it doesn't make it any less uninteresting to read
and if you were as confident as you're pretending to be, your first response to a (very mild) negative critique wouldn't have been an immediate jump to personal attacks
i wouldn't be surprised if you wrote at least one of those glowing reviews

>>25570889
You're evading the question, which was rhetorical anyway. Regardless of how you feel about the AI's suggested improvements, the primary point it raises is absolutely correct. Going trail - girlfriend - trail is clumsy. It's not unreadable but it's objectively not great and besides that it's an incredibly inoffensive suggestion. It's absurd that you'd reply to the person pointing it out by calling them "stupid shit for brains". That's the definition of not being able to take criticism.

If you think that your writing is literally perfect and there are no valid criticisms that can be aimed at it then why are you posting it here at all? Send it off to your publisher since you've obviously perfected the craft.

>>25570721
Reads like an ESL's homework assignment for a community college English class. You could probably do better than this if you try harder, provided English is your native tongue.

What do you guys think of using "..." as dialogue? I've had a surprising amount of people (more than one) tell me they think it is amateurish and never ever acceptable in tradpub.

I'm doing the Stephen King method of read every day and write every day. So what should my next story be. An anthro scientist woman on an alien planet gets fattened by a giant tentacle plant, or a shota themed orgy at fat camp?

>>25570721
the writing isn’t great. you could do more to show how the locals are ‘disapproving’ and the grammar/sentences are just clunky. also it’s good they don’t have rashes. or did you mean brash? idk it reads like the literary equivalent of a lincoln car ad or psoriasis medication ad. i agree with the other anon if your point is to prove happiness exists in small moments it’s not landing. you can have a concept but just because your concept is good doesn’t automatically make the writing good and i think many many anons here forget that…

>>25570979
>An anthro scientist woman on an alien planet gets fattened by a giant tentacle plant
This sounds much better than the other. Unless the shotas are also anthros and therefore cubs, then that would be the obvious choice.

>>25570979
>fat shotas
Ew

>>25570199
Because then we'll read your shitty book and post a nice review of it.

>>25570224
Never said anything about not liking them. I'm telling people who wonder why their writing falls flat that they lack life experience, and giving them a really easy (and paid) way to gain such experience.

>>25570994
>Unless the shotas are also anthros and therefore cubs, then that would be the obvious choice.
You know they are.

>>25570889
It's not obstinately nitpicky, it's basic rhetorical flow. This is the literary equivalent of stumbling up the stairs. I'm sure you can still crawl your way to the top, but you're making yourself look like an idiot in the process. Doubly so when you stop at every step to declare your supreme mastery of the stairs, as if everyone looking at you can't plainly tell what a fool you are. Characters this satirically stupid don't even appear in greek tragedies. Only the internet could produce cretins this delusional.

>>25570982
>clunky
The rhythm of the sentences is good. Some short, some longer, short again. I've noticed over the years that "clunky" is the adjective bad readers always default to when they want to sound competent critics.

>it’s good they don’t have rashes. or did you mean brash
I suggest learning English before commenting on a text in said language.

Synonyms for "Rash" As an Adjective (Acting without thinking):
• Impulsive: Acting on sudden urges.
• Reckless: Doing something dangerous without caring about the results.
• Hasty: Moving or acting too quickly.
• Impetuous: Acting suddenly with high energy and no forethought.
• Foolhardy: Being foolishly bold or daring.

>if your point is to prove happiness exists in small moments
He already said it's the exact opposite.

>>25570979
Bad idea, will get bad results. Countless redditors have been doing this "write X words every day" challenges and guess what? They remained shit writers.

>>25570928
I think you started with the intention of trolling but then that 5 paragraph story actually went over your head, and now you're embarassed to have betrayed your actual shitwit level.

>>25570928
Post your writing, little bitch.

I get the impression you’re all retarded assholes.

>>25571038
I sentence you to kiss my ass

How bad is it?
Or, rather, is there anything remotely decent in it?

https://archive.org/details/mongol_202508

I've been diagnosed with autism.

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>>25568040
All great writers, thinkers, philosophers, heck, even figures like Napoleon, were, above all, complete and total degenerates during their time. Alot of them would be deemed "NEET's" in the current era.
It's not that our brain is fried. It's the fact that the outside world (especially post covid tiktok doomscrolling phenomena) is so deprived of an actual tangible beauty that the only way to look for it is by peering into the simulation of that beauty itself.
I will always stand that the person who spends most of his days watching movies, reading and playing videogames (as long as it isn't some mind rotting shit like playing borderlands 12 hours a day while shoving fast food down your mouth) gains much more than the one that spends most of the free time after leaving the wage cuck factory doomscrolling and watching some garbage on netflix, never fully comitting or indulging into anything that challenges his thought and perspective on life as it is deemed by the wageslave as a "total waste of time" since such activities hurt productivity (they really don't as I don't believe our economy is real and is more akin to an adult daycare but that's a discussion for another time).
My point is, you are what you consume in a way, so choose your poisons carefully.
A normie could never write poetry.

>>25570928
>i'm not buying it
Do you think I included all those revealing details by accident? The constant contradictions (we don't like doing this but we immediately do it; we're exhilarated and happy but we're miserable), the wording that describes the environment as a hostile entity (the rocks are waiting to hit us), the overly enthusiastic intention to "Build memories! This is gonna be a great one!" You think all that was a coincidence?

And to think I was worried that the thesis would emerge with too much clarity. I should remember that few people have cut their teeth on short and flash fiction.

>>25571038
It's like 1 guy sperging out with 220 replies and pretending that he hasn't looked like a half-literate moron for days.

He hasn't even posted excerpts. He has no dogs in this fight, but he sure has a bitch in him.

>>25571044
>I've been diagnosed with autism.
Every doctor is a critic nowadays.

>>25570928
>it doesn't make it any less uninteresting to read
A monkey will find any book uninteresting. That doesn't say anything about the books.

>if you were as confident as you're pretending to be, your first response to a (very mild) negative critique wouldn't have been an immediate jump to personal attacks
You had already been behaving like an asshole for a while and I knew you'd do it with me too, so I was already done with you before you replied. It wasn't a reaction to a "v-very m-mild negative c-critique", it was a reaction to you being an annoying piece of shit with nothing worthwhile to say.

>i wouldn't be surprised if you wrote at least one of those glowing reviews
I wrote all of them.

>>25571046
Pretty sure Napoleon got out of the house. He dominated continental Europe, after all. And you can stand with the people that consume media, but they're never going to produce a work with the depth that comes from real-life experience.

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Surrounded by all this cover, Bad had trouble understanding where he was, and walked through the barley and the grass until he came to a clearing, or at least a break in the grass that allowed him to see a few feet in front of him without contending with a cloud of loosed seeds. He sniffed at the earth and found a smell no different from the grass: all like the inside of a torn dandelion, overpoweringly green.

He had only known these sensations to be things observed from a distance. Having it so powerfully in front of him made his nose wet as if it had a throat and jaws, as if his nose could salivate. The dog almost found himself wanting to lie down in the less boxed up clearing, to sniff deeply and tip down his nose as if they were two cupped hands, drawing up the smell and splashing it in his senses.

That's when a collie appeared, bursting out of the wall of grass as if it were a wall spitting him right out. Startled, Bad ran in the opposite direction as fast as he could. Blind, the beagle sprinted as the rapidly folding barley left piles clusters of seeds on his chest and ears and face. Grass whipped at his eyes and ears as he heard running paws behind him, and the air grew colder with every bound. Soon the grass and wheat turned shorter and shorter, so much so that Bad could now clearly see the sky and its fading blueness. Bad sucked in gulps of fresh air as he ran and ran, the grass short enough to scrape underneath his belly. The sky transitioned from a clear blue into a troubled dark bluish grey.

Strange sounds, straining dogish voices filled his ears. At first, it sounded like barking, a collective of dog voices throwing their heads into the sky. Then it grew more feverish, more open-mouthed and frantic. Bad ran as fast as he could through the weeds until he felt the cries surround him, a chorus of mad voices screaming over each other, high, begging, howling pitches that sang and rang out.

He could almost feel them beyond the grass as his breath wheezed between his ribs, their furious biting and digging, the yellow claws that had no doubt curved and split with age, their fur that had been bitten by dust and lived to tell the tale. Impinged with the wild, touched and held by no man, given to the law of pure primal instinct, these were dogs no bigger than beagles, but sharper than beagles, more blessed and quick than beagles, more frightening and determined than beagles. Bad felt grateful for the flooding smell of full blood covering his nose, washing out the memory of dirty water, of chemicals, of sanitization and wet concrete.

He could forget it and never let it be known again. Scrubbed away by dirt and blood, he could be free to never be clean, not so viscerally and never past the fur to the skin, the sensation of those sponges that rubbed right down to the bone. A layer of dirt could forever be his friend.

>>25571030
>>25570937
You will never be a reader. You have no patience, no curiosity, no reading comprehension. You meet a sentence longer than a tweet and immediately accuse it of showing off.

All the books you claim to have read are reduced to a plot summary you half-remember. Behind your back, the footnotes are laughing. Your shelves are ashamed of you. Your “favorite author” is whoever last confirmed an opinion you already had.

Metaphor is utterly repulsed by you. Centuries of literature have developed elaborate ways to imply, suggest, and withhold, and you bulldoze through every one of them. You mistake ambiguity for a plot hole, irony for a factual error, and subtext for something the author forgot to explain. Even a children’s book can leave you stranded between the cover and the first paragraph.

You will never enjoy a difficult book. You wrench out a fake review every morning and tell yourself it was “overwritten,” but deep inside you know the terrible truth: you stopped paying attention three pages ago and hoped the ending would summarize the middle.

Eventually, the library will become quiet. The books will close. Your abandoned bookmarks will gather dust, each one stranded at the same chapter. A plaque will mark the spot: Here lies a reader who mistook not understanding for having understood everything.

This is your fate. This is what you chose. You can still turn back—but you’ll have to read the page this time.

>>25571135
>Bad had trouble understanding where he was,
Show, don’t tell.

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>>25571164
Yeah, fair. I also realized that the cupped hands description is too human. I am rapidly running out of dogish words to describe things.

>>25571164
Shut the fuck up, reddit.

>>25571135
I'd reduce the analogies, after a while "as if" gets old. And they can be quite weird and difficult to visualize, like
>"made his nose wet as if it had a throat and jaws, as if his nose could salivate",
>"tip down his nose as if they were two cupped hands"
Just weird. Instead of sending a clear image in the mind of the readers, you're confusing us.

>>25571173
Fuck you, you stupid fucking faggot. I’ll shove my dick so far up your ass that the tip pops out your mouth!

>it's another assmad pajeets who will never write or read anything argue about absolutely nothing all day long episode
thread never fails to deliver

>>25571180
I said shut the fuck up, cum sommelier. You don't speak to your betters unless you're spoken to. Is that clear?

>>25571297
Where’s your contribution you stupid fuck oh wait you’re just a whiny little bitch like >>25571320

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does this serve to entice as an opening paragraph? does it even make sense?

>>25571324
I've published two books this year with a third coming in December and even shared the first two manuscripts for free but I was reported for spam and ignored while you stinky 3rd worlders went back to your fart porn gooning tab instead.

>>25571325
I would suggest flipping the paragraph on its head if your intent is to entice. As it is now I have an explanation of a home like it’s a Zillow listing. Unless how the house maintains its temperature is an ongoing plot point I’d say you’re better off starting with Jody being upset he’s forgotten about his brother. That can compel a reader to carry on. Not some dry description of a house’s ventilation.

>>25571331
Must suck for your writing to be so shit it can’t compete with 3rd world fart gooning.

>>25571335
thank you

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>>25571339

>>25570962
As in just "..." to indicate silence?
I can't imagine it'd be more impactful than prose.

>>25571335
lol this is Reddit-tier “save the cat” level advice

>>25571357
Sometimes a well timed "..." could be comedic, sometimes there's way too many subsequent silences in a dialogue to prose it out every single time. I thought it to be a quick and efficient way to convey a beat of silence but idk

>>25571371
I guess I could see it being more appropriate in that sort of context.
And in terms of tradpub, if this is the biggest worry you have, you're probably fine. If there's a better way to approach it, they have editors for a reason.

>>25571366
>this sounds like something out of the book about being successful

>>25571397
The problem is “success” is churning out derivative crap. May as well right about space elves fighting the dark side of the borg.

is 120k words fine for a debut adult fantasy novel?

File: 96fc7e3bb8934c59c58f2428a(...).jpg (85 KB, 736x736)

85 KB JPG

>Can't write bc I'm not reading
>Can't read bc I want to write

>>25571416
No. Split it into 3 smaller books.

1k words away from finishing the first draft

My characters are all basically the same person experiencing the same story from slightly different physical vantage points.
No that's not an intentional part of the story, it's just be being a bad writer.