which one of these sounds better>The dog clamped round the boy's neck. Its yellow teeth worked into the flesh. Droplets of blood sprinkled the dry, brown earth.>The dog clamped round the boy's neck. Its yellow teeth worked into the flesh. Droplets of blood sprinkled the earth.>The dog clamped round the boy's neck. Its teeth worked into the flesh. Blood sprinkled the earth.
>>25596388They're all pretty much the same. You have the same subjects and the same objects and the same verbs in the same order. If you want to experiment, try using different words in a different order. >Teeth clamped through his neck. The dog chewed through flesh and artery and vocal cords. There were no screams, only blood.
>>25596402well, they have different cadences and convey more or less information. i don't want to change the core information that is being conveyed, i just want to know if i should be more or less purple.
>>25596388The dog's yellow teeth tore through the tendons in the boy's neck, snapping his head clean off and releasing a red tsunami of blood unto the earth that feeds us all.
>>25596455purple and unrealistic
Dog clamps boy’s neck,teeth into flesh,blood on the ground.
>>25596388reading this again, i fucked up. i didn't do my technique correctly.>The dog clamped round the boy's neck. Its yellow teeth worked into the flesh. Droplets of blood sprinkled the dry, earthy ground.>The dog clamped round the boy's pale neck. Its yellow teeth worked into the flesh. Droplets of blood sprinkled the dry ground.>The rabid dog clamped round the boy's pale neck. Its yellow teeth worked into the flesh. Blood sprinkled the dry ground.
Yellow teeth closed around the pale neck and blood began to pool around them, slowly and then thickly, like sap from a struck tree. The dog growled softly, sinking in, and the dying boy sighed
>>25596388It's teeth <worked> sounds weird as hell. Why's this dogs teeth doing so much work? <Sank> or <plunged> sounds better.
The dogHe bit the boys neckYesYESThe blood hit the ground
can the dog clamp, isn't it the dog's jaw that clamps, the dog can clamp, but it clamps its jaw, not a neck, the jaw clamps the neck
>>25596388They’re all pretty weak. It’s a violent event and yet it’s described very sluggishly and emotionlessly. Do you really need to say the teeth were yellow? Why slow the pace down like that? And „droplets” of blood „sprinkled”? It’s a strangely mild and delicate way of describing an attack.
>>25596500>It’s a violent event and yet it’s described very sluggishly and emotionlessly.well it's just the opening stages>Do you really need to say the teeth were yellow?makes the dog seem more wild>And „droplets” of blood „sprinkled”? It’s a strangely mild and delicate way of describing an attack.that's realistically how a laceration works
>>25596388The second one imo. What’s the most important image here? If the dry earth is a recurring theme of the book then it deserves some adjectives. Like this dusty land eventually destroys anything that inhabits it, with a McCarthy or Steinbeck feel to it. If the reader is supposed to feel bad that the boy is dying, then his neck and blood need the most attention. If it’s a cujo kind of thing, then it’s the dog and the yellow teeth that you should be emphasizing. Make the reader visualize what’s important to you as the writer. Lead em by the nose in a way such that they don’t even realize you’re doing it. In my humble opinion, of course
>>25596388I would modify the second to be like >the dog clamped round the boy's neck, its yellow teeth working into his flesh. Droplets of blood sprinkled the earth I'd also question the use of 'yellow'. Feels maybe unnecessary, but can work depending on what you're after
>>25596527so even more spartan that what i was doing? like;>the dog clamped onto the boy's neck. teeth worked into the flesh. blood sprinkled the dry ground.>>25596531yellowed? rotting? yellowing? the point is to show the mouth is that of a carnivore
>>25596611You're already showing it's a carnivore's mouth by way of it eating someone
>>25596612well it's not eating him, it's just biting to draw blood. carnivores tend to strangle their prey to death
>>25596616I'm saying that people can recognise, first of all, that dogs eat meat. But if they've somehow missed the memo, the fact that this dog is biting into flesh and extracting juices (eating, for all intents and purposes), it is an animal whose mouth you want to stay away from Now if you want people to think that this dog is dirty or old or whatever, then go nuts. But if the intent is just to make it seem violent, you've already done that through the act of violence. 'Show, don't tell' is less of a meme than people act like
>>25596643alright, i get what you're saying. most dogs eat kibble, not meat- but yeah the point is to show it's somewhat feral/ wild
>>25596388And what color was the dog??
>>25596865brown
>>25596873Typical. And why was it not leashed?
>>25596876dei
>>25596496that's like saying a man can't chew his food or read a book
>>25596388The dog bit hard into the boy's neck and the scream was sudden and short, strangled by the red muzzle at his throat, and his eyes turned dead and his body still, while the hound still growled and tore and shook its maw violently and blood painted the grass.
>>25596388A whole dog definitely cannot clamp around a boy's neck. Well, maybe if it's a very tiny dog. Probably wouldn't be working its teeth deep into the flesh then, though. Unless it also had freakishly huge teeth and jaws for its size. That's kind of a horrifying image, actually. Is that what you were going for? If so, I'd choose the first one. Actually, I would add way more graphic details to it, about how the tiny dog burrows into the boy's neck in a frenzy, etc.
>>25596939when i say "the man kicked the ball" do you envision him twisting himself into a giant leg and punting the ball
>>25596906Needs changing to keep the subject consistent but I can't be arsed to do it right now.
>>25596388First, but change "the flesh" to "his flesh."
>>25597100that messes with my technique so i can't do that
>>25596388The wild-eyed dog's jaws instantly bit into the boys neck where he stood, frozen with terror by his attacker. As he finally reacted and recoiled in horror, the hound's yellow teeth sank into the flesh, working their way deeper. Blood sprayed, spattering the ground around them in a ragged pattern of leopard spots.
>the doggo masticated the boy's jugular with its nasty chompers, and gore gushed and sprayed on the ground by the bucket
>and with every bite the dog squeezed more blood, and the more blood the more it bit, and the harder it bit the more blood squeezed out of the poor boy, whose life ebbed as a whiny sound like a rubber duck escaped his now pale lips. But even as the boy died, the dog kept biting and squeezing and the blood pooled all over the place, soaking up to the roots of the trees and washing downhill into the river. More and more blood gushed onto the land and it filled all things upon creation, and the dog drowned in that blood, still latched onto the boy's throat, and this is why this wasteland is red and called Mars, after a god of war of times past. We were born of the blood spilled by the boy as he died to the unrelenting beast of deat. Beware of dogs, young man! Dogs are not to be trusted. They are the enemies of our kind.
On God, the dog was straight-up tweaking, no cap, and instantly went full crashout, deadass chomping the kid right in the neck. Bro was absolutely shook fr fr while this feral menace went delulu. Homeboy tried to hit the reverse Uno, but it was already giving too late, bestie. The dog's crusty yellow chompers were locked in, digging deeper with a vengeance. Blood started spraying everywhere, jizzing like a blood gooner. Yunc was NOT having a slay day.
>>25597167Your attempt is admirable. But your vocabulary is lacking.
>>25596491Immediately following this post I realized you should pay no special literary care for a particular moment and it should stay entirely consistent with the surrounding scenes otherwise it's not cohesive. If it "stands out" stylistically what was supposed to be a pivitol moment becomes something that didn't really happen in the story. I say this because the narrative pace almost certainly isn't consistent with the rest of the scene. Also, it does nothing to capture what an actual mauling looks like- a confused and dazed man shaking off the pain of a dog tight around their wrist before slowly succumbing and getting their throat turned inside out over 10 minutes.
>Dog bit the boy's neck and he bleeded.keep it simple, stupid
>>25596388#2
"MAILMEN could be here" he thought, "I've never been in this neighbourhood before. There could be MAILMEN anywhere." The dry earth felt good against his paw pads. "I HATE MAILMEN" he thought. The screams of a woman reverberated the entire yard, making it pulsate even as the young boy's blood circulated through his powerful thick veins and washed away his (merited) fear of strangers on the road. "With four legs, you can run anywhere you want" he barked to the corpse, out loud.
>>25598330bretty good
