You are a valiant KNIGHT who has been tasked by your cool and nice KING to find and deliver to him several pieces of DELICIOUS CANDY from the RIDGE KINGDOM.Your honorable quest for confections has been thwarted, however, by this large and rather inconvenient wall. Whatever shall you do?
>>6406889Walk around it
>>6406890You are in RIDGE KINGDOM, numbnuts.The RIDGE on which you stand gives you a less than acceptable amount of clearance around the wall.
>>6406895oh shit I forgot. Maybe our fairy companion can give us some tips
>>6406895Fuck shit piss fart......Punch a hole in the wall with our footAnd crawl through
>>6406896Your captive fairy companion does not give you the sweet magical soothsaying like you desired, but merely utters"Fuck you stupid piece of shit let me out of this goddamned jar so I can punch you"You continue to regret this particular purchase from the wizard.
>>6406901Shake the jar, then PUNCH the wall with our head and face to destroy the wall and achieve the candy
>>6406895call to that thing on the right
>>6406897Your foot, instead of coming into contact with the lovely soft plaster bricks of your home CROWN KINGDOM comes into contact with some sort of blasphemous ridge-based brick made out of hard ground stuff that hurts your feets and it sucks.- 1 Heart
>>6406904Hmm.... maybe we should CHECK OUR INVENTORY..
>>6406903You speak an utterance of beckoning out above the wall into the space beyond, hoping to call upon some sort of ridge-based citizen whom you can complain to about the subpar destructibility of this wall.Your talk is returned with some sort of call from what is certainly a heinous beast. You have greatly underestimated the capabilities of this kingdom.
>>6406906You crack the 'ol grid open and look upon your supplies for the journey.
>>6406917Offer the beast a hot dog
>>6406918By the KING, you have summoned it. The furred beast ascends the wall with ease, there must be some sort of battlement on the opposite side to allow for creatures to get the jump on would be plunderers.It sits there, looking at you, hungrily. Your blood curdles, which would kill you if not for the ample adrenaline running through your veins.
>>6406922Leave the offering in the ground and wait and see
>>6406924May the KING save you...The creature slinks down the wall without hesitation, and sinks razor teeth into the soft flesh of the hot dog. It moves with no fear...Those little paws... you cannot bare to look any longer. You turn your head upward so that you do not have to stare your oncoming death in the eyes.
>>6406927Quietly weep, for our end is surely nigh!
>>6406927Curl up into a ball and piss our pants so we don't look like a threat
>>6406945>>6406948It's toying with you. Your face is wet with tears and your pants are wet with honorable urine. What a cruel creature it is, toying with you as it is...
>>6406963Wait! If you can get the timing just right we SHOULD be able to toss another hot dog over the wall... and with THE BEAST'S claws sunk into our body it'll carry us right over!
>>6406964Seconded
>>6406964Your second of four hot dogs has been expended, no doubt hitting the unforgiving stones on the opposite side, but the beast has not move. No doubt your flesh is the more appealing meal, the only reason it has not sunk its fangs into your supple neck is because it is too occupied eating your first hot dog to get started.
>>6406992Promise the fairy booze if it can sooth this beast
>>6407000You beseech the fairy to aid you. Anything you have! Please! Save me!"That is a normal ass cat you fucking moron it is making cute ass biscuits on your chest plate what is your problem"The fairy... it does nothing...
>>6407003Maybe you can ruin the beasts baking it'll go away take out your canteen of water and throw it in the dough making it too wet to be useable
>>6407030Genius
>>6407030With liberal application of ALL OF YOUR REMAINING DRINKING WATER FOR THE ENTIRE JOURNEY, the beast reveals its weakness. The hypothetical baking of probably soul-based confections upon your chest has ceased as the beast leaps down the side of the RIDGE, its paws meeting footholds you can't even see as it bounds away, dampened.The purified water drips down and mixes with your tears and urine on the ground.You Win?
>>6407088Wonderful! Now, let's dig a hole under the wall so we can avoid that nasty not-soft brick that held us up last time.
>>6407088>>6407088Step 1: place the fairy jar against base of IMMENSE WALL, step onto it on tiptoesStep 2: unsheathe FAT SWORD from inventory, >>6406917 standing on tiptoes, on fairy jar against wall, RAM FAT SWORD into high wall crevice above self, creating improvised piton / climbing handholdStep 3: tie sausages together in string / create safety rope harness, commence vertical wall climb. Goto step 2/ repeat ascent until pinnacle has been reached
>>6407088>>6407198(also after step 2 do not forget to retrieve the faery jar) Maybe shake it around and squint at it closely for a bit, try and see if the faery is a hot girl / wearing a naughty outfit >>6406901
>>6407198You make use of your famed knightly strength to pierce your GIRTHY AND POWERFUL AND NOT OVERWEIGHT sword deep into the stubborn material of the wall, forming a firm platform.
>>6407198Assembling your remaining two links of rations into a makeshift rope, you fail to see how you can use this to be safer. Or use it to retrieve your sword, for that matter... Come to think of it, you don't know if you could pull the sword back out of that wall if you wanted to.
>>6407208Your attempts at Ogling meet mixed results.
>>6407836ZAMN!>>6407815Hop down and get the Candy
>>6407887You have acquired the GREEN APPLE CANDY of legend! You are sure that this confection will grant you great honors when you return it to your king.Huh, what do you know, the beast didn't have a stairway back here it is just a sheer wall.
>>6407887>>6407836argh I was too distracted ogling the voluptuous paleolithic Venus figurine faery companion, I forgot to retrieve the sword argh oh well it was worth itI see CandyQM adheres strictly to the depicted inventory (originally only 4/4 hotdogs as drawn here >>6406917 not enough for sausage string >>6407815 ) so maybe retrieve the fallen wiener here >>6407890 for 3/4 sausages?Also CandyQM I have a question clarification I would like to know the inventory grid items here >>6406917in particular what is the XXX bottle flask (alcohol? poison? porno-juice?) the SHINE tube (toothpaste? shoeshine? armour polish?) and then the weird jagged lump beneath it
As the swordless hero is now humiliatingly trapped on the other side of the wall with no means to vault over, I have a new strategystep 1/ open the INVENTORY GRID, rearrange disarrayed items in a careless jagged manner, like a staircase (please see pic related)
step 2/ stand on bottom rung of constructed staircase inventory grid
step 3/ in the user interface, navigate to AUTO ARRANGE inventory button, and assume brace position. This will instantaneously re-arrange the jagged staircase inventory items in an infuriatingly inconvenient nonsensical tetris compacted manner. As the hero knight is positioned on the bottom step of the constructed disarrayed inventory item staircase, he will be propelled by the sudden item auto-arrange parabolically through the air, easily surmounting the fiendish obstructing wall obstacle
Holy fucking kek...
>>6407890So what power does this green apple candy have? Or is it just it's sheer deliciousness? We should pester again our curvacious fairy companion about it and maybe ask where to find another one too
>>6407890>>6408044I thought about immediately eating the confectionery to discern its power, but maybe just lick it a few times instead. The King won't mind
>>6408021You gather your hot dog from the floor, but it has long since passed the 5 SECOND RULE and is now useful only to tempt beasts, and perhaps serve as a link in some sort of preposterous sausage rope.While attempting to construct a staircase, you have a look around inside to re-access its precise contents.- You have the large jar which contains your captive fairy.- You have an autolabeling flask which correctly displays its empty contents.- And an autolabeling flask which discreetly displays its illicit, alcoholic contents. Because CROWN KINGDOM is currently going a prohibition phase right now, the contents of this flask is some kind of nonspecific grog or perhaps moonshine.- You have your metal polish to make armors and swords very shiny- and a rag to wipe the polish with.- Finally, you have your remaining hot dogs- Your dirty dog- and the candy of legend.You look around for a Button of Arrangement but sadly, you think that that sort of thing is exclusive to more premium inventories of the sort that nobles have.
>>6408044>>6408073NO! You shan't resort to betraying your fine KING or capitulating with the distracting fairy any longer. You had studied the lore of these magical objects for a time before your adventure began, and you will deploy your knightly knowledge now:This is the GREEN APPLE CANDY of legend, which contains within it the power of ADDITION. The consumer gains the ability to increase the size of objects in a roundabout and slightly annoying way.It is one of the seven CANDIES OF LEGEND, which each represent a BASIC MATHEMATICAL OPERATION, with the exception of the EQUALS, NOT EQUALS, and TILDE candies, which are kind of doing their own thing. The candies were stranded on RIDGE KINGDOM'S famous RIDGE after LICH KING GRONGEL realized that he could not consume them because he was a skeleton. Long after his passing, the devious defenses he placed to prevent their acquisition still stand...
>>6408243Do the candies operate under any devil fruit esque rules?
>>6408353To obtain the power of the candy, one must consume it, but the CANDIES OF LEGEND have been wielded in the past. They are not destroyed by the digestive system, and so can be retrieved from the corpse of their previous user (or their living body with the aid of a skilled surgeon), it usually ends up lodged near the heart.One may wield multiple candies at the same time, with the most recorded being JOE DIVISOR, who used three at his prime, Subtract, Divide, and Not Equals. GRONGEL would have been the first to use seven, had his lack of a digestion system not betrayed him.Technically, the candies are not irreplaceable, but they were crafted many years ago in the forge of the legendary candy smith, whose fate was so terrible that their name has become a curse, and so you shan't say it. With their death, the KINGDOM OF CANDY LAND was destroyed, and the art of candy smithing was lost, with only the candies that had left the borders before CANDY LAND's fall surviving.
>>6408356Eat the candy
>>6408365Fuck it the KING has good surgeons; seized by a brief impulse, you swallow down the hard shape of the CANDY OF LEGEND, relishing the vibrant flavor. Your very own piece of INTRUSIVE UI has appeared to aid you.
>>6408369Stand on one of the hotdogs and slowly enlarge it enough to be able to climb over the wall.
>>6408370You deploy your dirty dog and expend half of your bigness budget upon it.
>>6408243>>6408365>>6408369Thank you CandyQM for the detailed inventory item clarification. However, before proceeding any further upon this perilous quest, I believe it is imperative for us to>PONDER DEEPLY ABOUT THE MORAL NATURE OF THE KING, and his conflict with the skeleton lich GrongelHere is my analysis of what we know about the King so far:1/ He is "cool and nice" (propaganda?) >>64068892/ His kingdom is characterised by systemic inequality, as he does not equip his knights with auto-arrange inventory buttons even when this might prove crucial to the success of their desperate mission, whilst his debauched nobles cavorting in their banqueting palaces presumably can auto-arrange their treasures and baubles in indolent leisure (see >>6408239 )3/ I examined closely the peculiar heraldry on the hero protagonist knight's tabard (see >>6408243 , if it is indeed a tabard and has not been DIRECTLY BRANDED ONTO HUMAN FLESH) My initial thought was this was half of a Basquiat dinosaur crown (a riven kingdom?? a half-crown of a realm divided by internecine conflict, between king and lich-king??) But upon closer inspection, I realised this logo was actually the inverted googl Material UI icon for bookmark, pervasive amongst modern mobile apps (it can also be found on aapl safari SF system icons). It is thus a symbol of San Francisco arrogant Silicon Valley tyranny of force-downloading 4 gigabyte LLM model weights onto user mobile devices in chrome without asking for consent because to them you are essentially a walking puppet human bookmark for them to toy with at their pleasure. https://www.thatprivacyguy.com/blog/chrome-silent-nano-install/>Google Chrome is reaching into users' machines and writing a 4 GB on-device AI model file to disk without asking. The file is named weights.bin. It lives in OptGuideOnDeviceModel. It is the weights for Gemini Nano, Google's on-device LLM. Chrome did not ask. Chrome does not surface it. If the user deletes it, Chrome re-downloads it (...)For this insignia and heraldry, that of treating humans as ignorant unconsenting machine learning device bookmark puppets for addition subtraction matrix multiplication algorithmic inference MATHEMATICAL OPERATIONS, for this heraldry to have been chosen by the Nice? King reflects poorly upon his governance of the realm
>>6408373Ok then, let's gtfo of here and travel to the next candy I suppose
>>6408382You have some time to burn while you walk along the ridge, so you assuage some of your mind gremlins' fears surrounding CROWN KINGDOM.Currently, the world is in an era of peace, recovering from the ravages that the LICH KING GRONGEL wreaked during his nearly 100 year reign. He was slain 4 years ago. Since then, RIDGE KINGDOM was seized by a DEMOCRATIC GROUP OF CHAPS who want to decide their king via votes, which is as good as any method since it turned out their divine bloodline was bunk.Also, in addition to the two important kingdoms, there is the FAE COURTS who do some crap in forests that don't exist and drink tea made of memories of cotton or something. They aren't really that important. The bottom line is, no wars at the moment, so your cool and normal KING has decided to consolidate artifacts of power, a wise and well liked decision.
>>6408384Ah, you have arrived at another obstacle along your path. Thinking ahead, you had already retracted your power from the dirty dog back there and picked it back up after we decided we were going this way.Anyhow, a propellavian, one of GRONGEL's abandoned experiments, guards the gap.
>>6408388Make him too big to floatMake your fairy companion human sized
>>6408393In retrospect this seems like a preposterously bad idea
>>6408397Could we pet the propellavian perhaps?
>>6408402Hmm. It appears the answer is no.
>>6408369We aren't even a noble so he kind of owes it desu>>6408404Shit. Since we obviously didn't leave our cool not fat sword behind, let's decrease the size of the avian a bit and do a jedi stab via enlargement(human sized fairy will probably be a good idea with the division candy to take away the disdain it has somehow)
>>6408404This violates the square-cube law. Call science police.
>>6408408Okay, you have some good news, and some bad news. Good news: The bird's size has been successfully extracted, and it now is substantially less strong. The bad news is that you did too good of a job jamming your sword into the wall earlier and it's still stuck.>>6408415The SCIENCE POLICE are all the way in CROWN KINGDOM LIBRARY, doing their job. I'm sure they would be made upset by the goings on here but they are simply too distant to rely upon at the moment.
>>6408419Make the piece of you it's eating bigger
>>6408419Hmm...>>6408421A wise idea, CHOKE the bird.
>>6408421Two problems solved with one use of your CANDY BASED POWERS! Its jaw is forced open, and the abomination's beak is unable to unlatch from your detached arm. Victory! You think!Now, onto other matters... You have been considering the strategy of making the thick fairy girl human sized, for human on human type endeavors, but to be frank her bug size meant that you've been shaking her a lot and you suspect that she may hold a grudge about that. But... those thighs call to you... Something to think about on the way to the next stuff going on along the ridge.
>>6408393Whilst I concur with the suspicions of the allometric scaling anon,>>6408404>>6408415 whereby enlargement should naturally cause the levitating avian target to spectacularly collapse under its own weight spewing innards, leg bones and intestines everywhere, it is possible that it exhibits advanced mechanical actuator ornitho-gyrocopter hybrid construction in accordance with the von Karman Gabrielli diagram of metabolic cost of transport. The aerospace defence industrial base of the deceased Lich King must have been very advanced to produce such an admirable specimen >>6408446>choke the birdTo do this, take the rag item from inventory, soak the rag in previous urine-tears shame admixture >>6406963 then wrap urine lachrymal rag in the sausage 2/4 remaining. Feed the formidable ornitho-gyrocopter predator bird the urine tears rag wrapped sausage, and (unless the hostile bird is some perverted urine fetishist, assessed by the best available open source intelligence to be implausible and unlikely) the vile bird machine should choke and plummet to its doom
>>6408451>>6408453argh I was too late posting it, I would have preferred losing the rag and sausage instead of trading for an amputated arm, oh well>>6407815can the WALL CREVICE into which the sword is rammed be enlarged, thereby loosening it like the mythical heating sun's rays causing the Arthurian sword in the stone to expand or whatever, thus permitting the retrieval of the sword?
>>6408387I would like to express my lingering suspicion regarding the "cool and nice King" heraldry. For instance, we know he is King of the RIDGE KINGDOM... why then is his tabard emblem literally the opposite, a drawing of a RAVINE?? sunken indented gorge or gully, instead of a convex protruding ridge? This is clearly a geomantic conspiracy
>>6407836>>6408021>>6408387>"FAE COURTS who do some crap in forests that don't exist and drink tea made of memories of cotton or something" (...)>large buttocks and cotton...??Maybe promise the GIANT BUTTOCK TINY FAERY lady companion that if she endeavours not to be abusive and ill-tempered, we will think about cotton (slave plantations) and brew that into a tea for her or something. As reparations
>>6408451Make the fairy human sized>>6408455Just make the sword big and then return it back to normal
Fuck it. If things get awry we could just make the jar that had her or our empty bottle bigger and trap her again in it
go past the bridge
>>6408451Ask where next candy is to fairy companion, if shaking the fairy makes her vexed, convince her to shake herself.
>>6409099Kek, nice work anon
