You are vaguely famous internet horse Cloppy. The knavish and evil wizard Snafagogo has cursed you with the ultimate burden of SPONTANEOUS HORSE DEBT!!! You have until page 10 to make and raise a million dollas otherwise the wizard Snafagogo will demolish your stable and all of its contents. So what'll you do?
>>6433156Page 10 on /qst/? We've got plenty of time!>Start by examining our fame a bit. What have we done thus far to become vaguely famous?
>>6433156Consider becoming a streamer on the streaming platform itwitch.tv. Maybe you could play horse games?
>>6433156I see the real challenge of this quest now.. WE GOT A SLOW QM!!
>>6433156We put on our robe and wizard hat.The legend of blood ninja will guide us.
>>6433156step 1: defecate in stablestep 2: smear horse manure into all the walls, evenly and thoroughlystep 3: default on wizard debt. Now when the wizard comes to demolish the stable, poo will fly everywhere he will smell very bad and his wizard robes will become soiled and dirty and smelly. Gallop and prance away in a horsey manner, with tremendous contentment
>>6433163our vague fame comes from our eccentric fashion related to our small business the lemorabellia stand where we sell lemons and lemon related merchandise. were also slightly known in the horse based poetry circuit youve been called the william mcgonagall of oat based poetry you post the footage onto your clip clop account.>>6433166the lemorabellia stand only pulls in enough cash for us to afford a phone and our phone bill>>6433191(OP here interruptin the flow of the quest to apologize to you and all the other kind anons in my thread im doin the drawfag shit on a laptop without a mouse so imma be slow also if my post id looks different i just had the internetman fix the line)>>6433192We try on our wizard hat but we lack the robes were struggling to find out where they went but atleast we look dashing in the hat sadly the blood ninja omnigeisha cannot guide us lest we have the full fit>>6433204tragically anon were a horse of refinement and class so this is beneath us
>>6433274Firstly, conduct an extensive geopolitical analysis of the total addressable market for LEMONS. It turns out, apart from your horse lemon stall, nearly all of the world's supply of lemons is sourced from extremely dangerous unstable or hostile / rival regimes (pic related). Therefore, in the interests of NATIONAL SECURITY, lobby the government to prohibit imports of foreign lemons from these unfavoured countries, whilst simultaneously granting your lemon stall most favoured supplier status in the interests of nearshoring and repatriation of strategic lemon capabilities. Then you should announce to the entire world, you have developed the first ever ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE LEMON. You possess advanced sentience AI lemons that will automate all employment tasks rendering the human workforce obsolete, as well as automated cybersecurity code interface penetration test lemons capable of generating such persuasive anime girlfriend romance dialogue, the Chief Technology Officers of any top secret classified cyberprogram will instantly fall in love with them, and practically scream out all their security clearance passwords in desperation even as they pant lustily and propulsively clutching their phones or keyboards whilst shredding their underpants in a moistened sex frenzy. Such is the power of the AI Lemon! It must never fall into the nefarious hands (hooves?) of any adversary! If anyone asks about the vaunted AI Lemon, "May I see it?" the answer is Neigh
>>6433343if we stand upon a tall pile of skulls, we can see further, and thus explore our opportunities. It would be unwise to trust second hand skulls, and factory farmed skulls are unethical. Thus we need to go harvest some skulls.
>>6433274>Sue SnafagogoHis curse of SPONTANEOUS HORSE DEBT! has no legal basis! Snafagogo is liable so Snafagogo must pay!
>>6433192(also thank you kXR4QljJ anon, I found that legend of Blood Ninja cyber text I had not heard of it but now I have read it, it was very funny tee hee hee)http://www.megalomaniac.com/~andrew/funny/bloodcyber.html
Alternatively, having learnt of the enthusiastic exploits of a certain Bonnie Blue, adopt the name BLACK BEAUTY and then offer to film yourself giving nonstop BAREBACK BEACH RIDES with 1000 applicants within the space of 24hrs. Upload the video recording to PonyFans and expect to receive at the very least one milllion in earnings, if not even more
>>6433156> Set up a Kickstarter and get money in exchange for kicking Snafagogo
>>6434805>>6433376>>6433348>attempt to find a lawyer>build ziggurat PILLAR OF SKULLS>attempt to fund kickstarterYou try to establish a desperate plea for funding on kickstarter, whose mission statement is to bring creative projects to life for everyone, just about anything, except for a project that involves starting to kick wizards. Infuriatingly, kicking and starting both violate kickstarter Terms And Conditions. You want to dispute these unreasonable commercial conditions. If only you had a lawyer...Unfortunately, all of the lawyers are very busy, they are either working overtime on the Anthropic and delayed OpenAI IPO filings, or relentlessly pursuing vicious criminals accused of copyright infringement and serving them DMCA takedowns. By climbing onto a tower of skulls, you do see one free lawyer, who is momentarily idle whilst sat pleasurably on the toilet, but before you can reach him, the last available lawyer is suddenly devoured by a dinosaur
>>6435211If we don a clever moustache disguise, and perhaps glasses with comically large eyebrows and a human nose...a hat...a trench coat...we may be able to assume a new legal identity and leave the previous legal individual to it's fate, skating away to a comfortable new live as a ski instructor or some shit.or...Just do a lot of Horse cocaine instead of any of that.
>>6435346you have successfully adopted a HORSE DISGUISE comprising of pink star-shaped Elton John sunglasses, a Hitler moustache, a Hasidic tall hat, and a Neo bullet time baclwards-dodging Matrix Trenchcoat. This disguise will help temporarily avert the attention of the nefarious DEBT WIZARD... for now. You do not believe this disguise is amenable towards training to become a ski instructor; the itchy moustache ensures that you must devote your entire exertions and concentration to prevent yourself from unleashing a HORSE SNEEZE
>>6435384Your disguise was so good, that briefly you believed yourself to be under the assumed control of another entity, malevolent and old. That was an absurd notion, as absurd as the cocaine and pudding business that your new persona established, possibly creating need for an all new series of issues and solutions... Like escaping a cartel, intelligence agency, and Tito; the transsexual a-sexual from Belize who feels you were once an interactive adult theater actor of some ill-repute. Your memory of that time is foggy due to all the cocaine and pudding.You also really have to sneeze, or fart. Though you are unsure if either action should be trusted.
>>6435391In your newfound HORSE DISGUISE, you ponder the means to escape the hideous immiseration of the crushing debt clutches of the evil wizard, SNAFAGOGO. It is known that he lives in a MAGICAL DISCOTHEQUE surrounded by armed Go-go dancers, gyrating to high BPM techno music, they are employed as a result of Snafagogo's military contracting, capturing ever more and more recruits to exhibit in his evil cages and NEON TRAPEZEs. Similar to the questionable gender identity of his warrior legion of Go-go dancer enforcers, the discotheque fortress of Snafagogo is nearly impregnable
Rolled 15 (1d20)>>6435394nearly impregnable perhaps..but not unimpregnatable. Once we seduce and make love to the fortress itself, our hybrid offspring, half horse, half fortification, will crush our enemy!I roll to seduce the fortress, pitting guile and charm against glitz and glam.
Rolled 97 (1d100)you attempt to aggressively mount the COLOSSAL DISCOTHEQUE FORTRESS of the evil debt wizard Snafagogo, without asking for consent first. This will be a perilous endeavour...abs(subtracted difference between this 1d100 roll - 15)ie >>64353960-19 you breach the discotheque fortress! An ENTRY PASSAGEWAY is discovered!!20-39 You can see a potential entrance, but it looms high above you out of reach, nestled amidst the rocky crags, scintillating disco glitterballs and seizure-inducing neon strobe lighting40 or more Nonconsensual fortress lovemaking results in an embarrassing FRICTION BURN shredding your disguise. One element of your lovingly assembled pristine outfit >>6435384>>6435391is slightly creased or dimpled
>>6435400A savage case of shabbedry befell the hero horse...hurridly. No longer fly, nor dapper, the disguise was unfit for entry into the sanctum of the COLOSSAL DISCOTHEQUE FORTRESS of the evil debt wizard Snafagogo.A new round of considerations would have to be undertaken.PLAYERS?!!!WHAT THE FUCK WILL YOU DO?!>Hulkamania x Swedish pop sensation Abba>Tap into the Australian sensation of Greasytales/ Sexual Lobster for guidance.>Do a Barrel roll>Ignore this post because it is not gv+oev/k!!!!
>>6435404>>6435400To your utter bedraggled despair, not only has your failed discotheque fortress fornication disarrayed your formerly pristine disguise outfit - it has also drawn the formidable attention of AGNETHA Faltskog, a monstrous two-headed Go-go dancer warrior attendant of the evil debt wizard Snafagogo. Emerging from the screaming grinding metal neon dancer chain cage portcullis of the dread disco fortress, Agnetha The Hulk snorts and advances menacingly, and eyes your broken and shattered pair of pink Elton John sunglasses with immense disapproval accompanied by a frightening maniacal leer
>>6435407You quail and tremble before the terrifying presence of this two-headed horror. Moments before AGNETHA the HULK moves to pulverise the life out of your enfeebled frail horsey physique, the fiendish complot of the debt wizard Snafagogo is revealed to you, in this bloodcurdling premonition of the future - endless military bases conscripting enslaved debt prostitute comfort women, forcing them to dance nude beneath the ruthless juggernaut might of the militarised DISCO-INDUSTRIAL defense base, the last vestiges of their dignity stripped away to the seductively lilting and taunting temptress 1980s lyrics of "TOUCH ME NOW" from It Must Have Been Love by Roxette(sorry I don't know any Abba songs)timestamp 29sechttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2C5TjS2sh4&t=29sLay a whisperOn my pillowLeave the winterOn the groundI wake up lonelyThis air of silenceIn the bedroomAnd all around >TOUCH ME NOWI close my eyesAnd dream away...[Chorus]It must have been loveBut it's over nowIt must have been goodBut I lost it somehow...Is this to be your fate? No! Never! The debt slavery must end now! Thinking back to the lawyers, >>6433376>>6435211you unleash the unrelenting might of the technosorcery: DMCA TAKEDOWN against this hideous two-headed hulking abomination...
>>6435436Before the might of your technosorcery, the monstrous two-headed disco go-go ogre AGNETHA The HULK slumps immobile and vanquished beneath your feet, (hooves) and gibbers and drools slightly. The drool is thoughtfully and carefully pixellated, because bodily emissions are considered offensive and shockingly obscene. Hurrah! You have won! Victory!
Having conquered this implacable foe, you consider the gargoyle strewn grand stairway entry narthex to the DISCOTHEQUE FORTRESS of the vile debt wizard Snafagogo. It appears to be enshrouded in some shimmering blurred mist barrier, of constantly shifting iridescent colours, now purple, then pink, jade green, vermillion and xanthous porphyrian hues, bewildering and dazzling hypnotic chromatic entrancements - you could stare at this warped portal completely mesmerised for hours. In the middle of the swirling colour maelstrom gateway, there appears to be a levitating glyph that takes the form of a Slashed Eye. You clop your hooves together absentmidedly in puzzlement. How could this barrier be deactivated??
>>6435449have we tried a powerful magnet? the juggalo scholars of clown based magic could possibly create a great magnet of demistification to aid us in our quest
>>6435461>>6435449You enlist the expertise of juggalo clown rap artists to fashion a large HORRORCORE MAGNET in an attempt to breach the hypnotic Chromatic Barrier Of Everchanging Colours, the perplexing obstacle occluding the entryway to the debt wizard Snafagogo's Discotheque Fortress. After some consultation, a tense moment of axe murder acrimony as you avert your horsey gaze from the amply heaving bosom of passing carnival juggalettes, the Horrorcore Magnet completely fails to alter the Wizard Colour Barrier in any demonstrably significant way, as was to be completely expected. It does appear to pull an enormous KNIFE ANGEL effigy statue through the portal out of the wizard castle and into your lap, the enormous touring KNIFE ANGEL sculpture is fabricated from the beaten submissive amnesty of various surrendered criminal machetes blades and stabbing implements, kitchen utensils, some gardenings shears a sieve and that wire spool metal spongy scrubber thingy for rinsing sinks, this terrifying arsenal and armoury of underworld criminal murder weaponry has all been confiscated, you now feel very safe, suitably disarmed and distinctly deterred from committing any knife crime or clownish axe murder now. But frustratingly, the wizard colour mist barrier remains, FULLY ERECT fully deployed, it impedes your progress in smug silence
Follower GainedKNIFE ANGELConveys the ability to summon any household based common metallic utensil or tool, kitchen knife, skewers, shears, screwdrivers hammers, garden rake, spades, spoons and forks saucepans metal spatulas a whisk a sieve etc. Quantity remaining: 100,000 uses. Unfortunately the Knife Angel is a completely mute and nonconversant companion, you exchange mutually constipated knowingly sorrowful grimaces at each other, you instinctively feel this is a very poignant, powerful moment, worthy of deep contemplative lamentation and an emotional reckoning, though you are unsure as to its utility or purpose. Because of the constipation magicks inherently interwoven in its creation, the Knife Angel will refuse to physically slay or murder anyone, though it is not averse to killing any sense of national self-dignity or self-esteem(The SLASHED EYE glyph suspended before the Iridescent Wizard Blurred Barrier Of Ever-Changing Colours And Mists glowers malevolently, as the frame rate of your NVDA DLSS graphics powered Unreal Engine lighting simulation emits stuttered groans of sputtering protest)
The more you gaze into this loathsome SLASHED EYE glyph, even as it conjures infernal and hellish visions of a scorched wasteland befouled by bone and ash, and populated only by the skeletal dregs of the wretched and forlorn, a benumbed, wailing lifeless humanity shrieking pitiably in wordless torment and agony even as they claw out the hollowed sockets of their own empty and unseeing eyes - the more the onslaught of grotesque and fleshless excruciations of eldritch forebodings assail you. What harrowing horrors dwell within the black spire of the Debt Wizard's fortress? You are just a whimsical INTERNET HORSE - far too ill-prepared to confront the fearsome mastery of a DEBT MAGUS...
>>6435461>>6435503In desperation, you turn to the reliable comfort and solace of the gathered juggalettes... but TOO LATE - the hideous blurring CHROMATIC MIST emanating from the SLASHED EYE GLYPH has consumed them too... all that remains of once delightfully playful, voluptuous and nubile femininity, curvaceous fluorescent nonallergenic bodypainted contours together with the tasselled scent of marbled armpit and glitter boob, all that now remains: the ghostly obscuration of barely discernible indistinct yet tantalising vitreous smears. The SLASHED EYE blink-cackles mockingly...
>>6435505have we considered havin the knife angle summonin us a blade and pokin the glyph in its eye? like just one good poke and i think thatd end him
>>6435505We must reach deep into the depths of the Discothèque culture. We must feel the strobing lights in the dark, the poppers in our lungs, and the glitter in our veins, surging through a heart of glass.We must walk our enemies on a long black leash, we must...unleash...The Sex Dwarf. Sadly we do not have a sex dwarf. but we do have a knife angel, a ball gag, and a gimp mask. It was in our pocket all along. We can use this to bypass the sentinel gaze of the baleful SLASHED eye, not out of stealth, but out of it succumbing to RAW DESIRE.https://youtu.be/EqGcn2ZmSjM
>>6435534You cajole and plead for some vorpal instrument of violence from the impassive KNIFE ANGEL, who gazes suspiciously at your HITLER MOUSTACHE as well as Columbine High School shooting attire / Neo Matrix TRENCHCOAT fashion. >>6435384However, something about the twinkling winsome innocence of your INTERNET HORSEY EYES adorably persuades the constipated KNIFE ANGEL to reluctantly relent; from the secretive marsupial recessed depths of his crotch he pulls forth the most forbidden and lethally consecrated weapon available in all the land, the ferocious and vicious VORPAL ANTI-STAB KNIFE, it features a rounded blade tip with a modest minimal point recessed beneath the upper blunted semicircular edge. It is literally impossible for anyone to inflict any injury at all with this Vorpal Anti-Stab Blade, beyond irrecoverable self-esteem injury and humiliation to its wielder.
>>6435534>>6435618Nonetheless, armed with this blunted mishap of a blunder you ascend to the dreaded gateway spire of the Discotheque Fortress, Anti-Stab Blade clenched in determination between your horsey gums and teeth. Upon reaching the pinnacle, you attempt to stab the hideous SLASHED EYE, to no discernible effect, maybe a tiny mosquito bite depth pinprick, the SLASHED EYE glyph blink-chortles in mocking derision. But suddenly, you recall the immortal words of Alan Rickman:SHERIFF Of NOTTINGHAMLocksley, I'm gonna cut your heart out with a spoon! (...)GUY Of GISBORNEWhy a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe? or somethi-SHERIFFBecause it's dull, you twit! It'll hurt more!Moments later, after repeated psychotic gougings and scrapings, besplattered in the eviscerated fountain of gore and cascades of gristle, meaty bulbular pulp, optical sclera, veined eye stalk and a tangle of severed faintly pulsating arteries, you survey your handiwork with immense satisfaction! The malevolent CHROMATIC ENTRYWAY of iridescent blurred mist that impeded your progress appears to have been dispelled, all of a sudden several naked jugalettes materialise out of nowhere with a honk and bouncy clownish pop, the jugalettes flee whooping and jiggling into the distance leaving nothing but a trail of buttock shaped bodypaint imprints the only tentative trace of the mysterious brevity of their censored presence and subsequent abrupt departure. Once again you have emerged undaunted and victorious, against the now defeated and dismembered SLASHED EYE guardian of the Discotheque Fortress, you canter / horsey gallop boldly into the stagnant darkness and cruel demesne of the EVIL DEBT WIZARD SNAFAGOGO...!
>>6435542(You also affix a mask onto the KNIFE GIMP, who responds inwardly with a plaintive wordless constipated expression)Within the wizard fortress there is a bidirectional placard pointing towards the NORTH and WEST. The circumvallated interior of this heavily fortified discotheque appears to have been ingeniously designed to resist siege, architecturally adorned with ravelins and spiked outworks, crenellated embrasures, ramparts arrow-slits murder-holes and machiolated parapets. All of this appears to now have been appropriately repurposed as some sort of convention centre for corporate hospitality, banking conferences, investment roadshows and morale-building human resources teamworking group offsitesThe NORTH placard innocuously reads, Effective employee onboarding: role-specific training for damsels in distress! First day orientation, overview of health and safety, compliance policies and ongoing check-ins with a friendly mentor-torturer buddy!!The WEST placard monotonously reads,Economic symposium for structural changes in financial markets and the conduct of Monetary policy. I am a representative of the late Mutassim Billah son of Muammar no other persons know about this money or pertaining to his account I am therefore seeking a reliable person to deposit this amount of USD 1,000,000 dollahs one million if I do not remit this moneys urgently I will be forfeited to the government treasury account as an unclaimed fund please respond immediately to my private email address...
>>6435631Oh yeah, right, II just forgot something, man. Uh, before we dock, I think we ought to discuss the bonus situation.
>>6435631Clearly....CLEARLY...this is the way to go. By working with the representative of the late Mutassim Billah son of Muammar, and posing as none other than....the EVIL DEBT WIZARD SNAFAGOGO...we can deposit this fellow's investments into Snafagogo's account, thus fixing everything. forever.
>>6435845>>6435655>>6435631You were just a whimsical gentle internet horse, all you wanted was to sell your lemon memorabilia unmolested by evil debt wizardry,>>6433274 without having to commit unconsenting discotheque fortress fornication, battle two-headed go-go dancer wrestler monstrosities or mutilate internet censorship cyclopean eye beholders, but now a brief glimmer of hope presents itself - what if you were to RE-HYPOTHECATE the convenient deposit 1 million dollahs of this entirely trustworthy accredited foreign entity, use CIRCULAR FINANCING of his deposit as collateral to relieve your own onerous debt burden? Could this work?? Would you become possibly a DEBT WIZARD yourself, after this startlingly brilliant act of institutional recapitalisation?This fleeting anticipation of escape, of joyful emancipation from your plight even amidst the medieval gloom of this militarised discotheque brings a upwelling of poetic bliss. In this ephemeral respite from indebtedness and despair, the dishevelled rudiments of your Hitler moustache hasidic hat pink sunglasses and active shooter trenchcoat fall away, the glorious equine majesty of your natural horsey physique is restored and rejuvenated. All of a sudden an uplifting and unbidden poetic refrain from the esteemed poet William McGonagall echoes within your mind as a calming breeze wafts past your horsey mane:Then King Edward ordered his horsemen to charge,Thirty thousand in number, it was very large;They thought to o'erwhelm them ere they could rise from their knees,But they met a different destiny, which did them displease;For the horsemen fell into the spik'd pits in the way,And, with broken ranks and confusion, they all fled away,But few of them escap'd death from the spik'd pits,For the Scots with their swords hack'd them to bits;(...)
Oh no! It was of course A TRAP! The devious debt wizard has filled his discotheque siege fortress with fiendish SPIKE TRAPS! To ensnare and impale the unwary and hopeful innocents! Did shedding your cunning disguise - this transient lapse of vigilance - cause the panoptican surveillance gaze of the debt wizard Snafagogo to re-assert itself, encroaching upon your doomed fate? You are doomed! You are beset by piercing puncturing lacerating rusted spiculated spearpoint spikelets from all sides!! Is this the End??
>>6435950>>6435947Even as you a trapped and immured within this inescapable trap spike pit of spiculated spearing spikelet doom, overhead you can hear the horrifying voice of yet another one of the EVIL DEBT WIZARD MINIONs taunting and mocking you. It belongs to a hideous troll like being, known only as MOGG The MANDIBULAR. You hear the derisive voice of this mutated abomination alternately snarling and taunting, as he points and laughs at your miserable predicament:MANDIBULAR-AHAhAhaHA! Bro really thought he was the main character! He was fully locked in, doing the absolute most, only to get completely liquidated by a single stare! The Timeline Of A Tragedy:-Bro is actively jestergooning for validation-simultaneously pleamaxxing to boost his stats-gets judgemogged by a certified elite-immediate, catastrophic aura bankruptcy-cortisol levels SPIKED straight to heavenCurrent status:aura: -9999999999999vibe: terminatedskill: skill issueBro literally minmaxxed his way into the gulag. Drop an F in chat for his remaining respect, because he is never financially recovering from this level of embarrassment!!
>>6435975we would have died, if not for the fact that our horse body is solid Schrodinger's Quark Degenerate Matter. The fools. The arrogant fools.It didn't have to be this way, but now they called down the thunder.
>>6436033>QUANTUM MECHANICS (QM intervention)At the moment of maximum desperation and impending doom, just before the spiked walls close in, despite your best efforts at undervolting at 850mV profile in summer ambient temperatures the pathetic 5nm taiwanese transistors in your NVDA graphics card melt and sizzle, the dynamic lighting of your surroundings the discotheque illumination glitter balls combined with guttering lambent flickering torches seated in their medieval wall sconces reflecting off the pitted metal spike surface textures all of this is just too much for the graphics rendering pipeline and Unreal engine to handle, aggressive thermal performance throttling kicks in, resulting in your frames per second nosediving, the image completely freezes you use this brief reprieve and interruption to contemplate your predicamentWhilst the spike trap appears completely inescapable, and the relentless looksmaxxing taunts of Mandibular above you are thoroughly demoralising, you notice Mandibular appears to be a devotee of the facesmashing phenomenon, a technique to enhance masculinity and attractiveness as well as sexual market value by bashing oneself in the face repeatedly in order to alter and resculpt the jawline and maxillofacial musculature. As a result of this advanced technique Mandibular appears to possess an extraordinarily extended and ENLENGTHENED CHIN, jutting forth belligerently from his physiognomy and offering a promising handhold (hoof hold??) if only there was some way to lure him closer within a graspable distance towards the spike trap pit edge...
>>6436051Suddenly an idea comes to mind - having shed your shameful dishevelled former disguise, you now proudly assume your GLORIOUS MAJESTIC EQUINE HORSE FORM, >>6435845tossing your mane with a flawlessly beauteous air of nonchalant arrogance, you proclaim that despite Mandibular's exaggerated canthal tilt hunter eye predatormaxxing he is in fact a total stat fraud, he will never be able to ascend towards the natural refinement and grace of the ALPHA HORSE, he has been one-shotted and turbo-nuked by this the peak performance, and is only now in fact clocking PEAK COPE in front of the aura PAWGs. You then boastfully and immodestly exhibit your powerfully CHOPPED horse physique. As Mandibular seethes with immense and increasing fury, you become only ever more calm-maxxed, frame-locked and snooze-pilled, this makes Mandibular SEETHE EVEN MORE, as he flexes and clenches and unclenches his fists and steroid jawline inching towards the edge of the pit... whereupon you grab his ENLENGTHENED CHIN (it feels a bit slimy, the moisture of an amphibian dermal glaze) and yank yourself to FREEDOM! Mandibular's cortisol levels are instantly SPIKED with inarticulate rage, and he subsequently falls shrieking into the SPIKED disco dungeon GOON PIT. You have BRUTALLY HORSEMOGGED Mandibular! It's NEVER BEEN MORE OVER!
>>6436052(item gained)FACESMASHER CHEEKBONE (Mandibular)A grotesquely engorged and distended section of jawline and attached cheekbone, detached from Mandibular as you made your successful escape from the hidden spike trap discotheque dungeon GOON PIT within the evil debt wizard's fortress lair. The flanged and chiselled machismo of this jawbone was achieved through abuse of anabolic steroids, peptides and growth hormones, as well as self-administered repetitive face-bashing exercises, resulting in an extremely aggressive ultramasculine intimidating mountain of muscle mass hunter-killer predator look. It probably dubiously enhances charisma and sex appeal, to the point of looking gay
You are beginning to wonder if this Discotheque Fortress of the wicked debt wizard Snafagogo is nothing more than an endless BASTION OF PERVERSION when you stumble upon a sultry, rose-scented boudoir. Delicate petals and broken flower stems are strewn across the elegant interior, and all around are the exquisite furnishings of a lavish and secluded retreat from the harsh and unforgiving battlements beyond.A Piteous Prince sobs in anguish within:(The Tale Of Prince Chirayu)- O Noble Horse! I beg you, go no further! Hear my woeful tale, lest ye suffer such deplorable destiny, as dire and dreadful as mine own! There was never such a Prince as I, who once possessed a beloved and adoring wife, worthy of immortal praise - yet Alas! I was an ass! From this virtuous woman did my thoughts wander, faithlessly I strayed and sought to FLIRT with a slattern named LORNA, she a mere moneyer from the house of JP MORRIGAN; at first did I fervently resist her advances - yet this LORNA only became yet more insistent in her romances - these violent delights have violent ends!! Then did I flee from her protestations of Love, to the chase of her aggravations I gave a forceful shove - but now she besmirches my good name with a crime! When I dwell upon this shame, I cry every time...Suddenly, the Sobbing Prince contorts his face in horror:- Hark! List, O List! Methinks I hear her! She doth approach... Noooo! Aieeeee! You must flee! Flee...!! Aieeeeee, aieeeeeee!
Lorna The Flirt (Brust-Maschinen-Geschützturm-Kanone-Führerin-Panzer-Kampflaufer variant)Bristling with ARMOURED BOSOM CANNONS and Balkenkreuz insignias, this walking bipedal dieselpunk tank of the Third Reich towers menacingly above you, her oiled pistons mechanical sinews and hydraulic limbs glistening with savage and warlike threat as she barbarically dangles her ROBOTIC TANK LEG THIGH GAP a nest of churning drills, lancing needles and grinding serrated maw of sawtooth pincers and cutting and defleshing tools, above your head. From her backside a brief fiery plume of pyro-ignited flamethrower fuel flickers with a flatulent parpLorna The Flirt confronts your unwelcome intrusion with this deafening machine detonation of a thousand unmuzzled cannonades:-WET HUMANFACE LIE!! SEND YOU - HORSE - A SPY?? NOW YOU BOTH DIE!! ... and there is only the high-pitched spinning whine of dual chaingun turrets, cranking and revolving (they are located within the recessed shadows of her mecha-robotic fascist breasts), as she prepares to unleash a torrent of difficult to replenish expensive high calibre explosive munitions, towards your face...
Rolled 9 (1d20)>>6436056I roll to fuck the tank into submission.Also OP, you are a fucking maniac, and a relic of the past, this thread is like watching a T-rex stomp around the modern world. Thank you.
Rolled 62 (1d100)>>6436062Undiscouraged from your previous failed FORTRESS FORNICATION attempt, you now attempt to nonconsensually MOUNT MECHA-HITLER Lorna even as you scramble down the gunmetal heavy bore axis of her monobloc primary cannon, past a phalanx of howitzers and the bulging gun sponsons of her breasts, the voyeuristic slits of peepholes viewports and commander periscopes, her perfumed ventilation of intake grilles, fume extractors and diversionary fog launchers, the gentle caress of drive sprocket and her flaps... I mean, mudguard flaps, as you coyly seek to DUMP YOUR LOAD into her munition loading hatch - To your utter surprise, Lorna the Panzer-Kampflaufer responds passionately: "Oh! mein geliebter schwerer Gustav...! Komm zu mir... Ich wette, deine kleine asiatische Fischkopf-Frau hat nicht solche Kanonen...!" she moans ecstatically in a delirium of screeching and shearing metallic pleasure, followed by a heavy, reverberating KERRR-CH-CHHUNNKK... clang! of a stubbornly RIGID 88mm KwK APCBC-HE penetrator round rolling eagerly into a molten, heated and completely ravaged, open hole. The Piteously Sobbing Prince Chirayu is aghast:-No! Traitor! I am betrayed and undone! By what heavenly mercies hast thou so cruelly won? This wicked engine through deceit and false influence - has wrought such promiscuity, and brought chastity to discontinuance! Such contumely and slander have I never beheld, though I do avert mine eyes I still imagine the smells... and what noises and belchings and moanings thou expelled! When the Wizard learns of this, he cannot but marvel...abs(subtracted difference between above 1d100 roll - 9)ie the result here >>64360620 -29 Afterwards you tenderly cuddle. Lorna ignores the sobbing Prince Chirayu, and offers considerately to escort you into the inner reaches of the wizard castle 30-59 It was good whilst it lasted, but Lorna is feeling a little tired now. Please leave60, or more: You blow your load. Pyroclastically and volcanically. The explosive eruption of your robotic artillery mecha-Hitler cannonfire sex blasts you on a high trajectory out of the wizard discotheque fortress, through the stratosphere and past the Karman Line, into the far reaches of outer space
>>6436076You now knew what it was like to be a Kh-47M2 Kinzhal. Your horse body blasting through the atmosphere and into the unknown, trailing a wake of highly ionized plasma and ejaculate.Make a choice---->Punch through the dimensional barrier, and shift universes to escape your denbt.>Accelerate fast enough to go back in time to before you had the debt and stop yourself from ever getting it.>land on the sun, set up a new race of half horse, half sun people, build an army, and let the debt come.>commit to a hyperbolic trajectory, using complex orbital mechanics to pick up more and more speed through the solar system, eventually returning back to earth at an appreciable fraction of C, to crash into the THIS WIZARD's BITCHIN' LAIR.
>>6436086(oh my god this is an amazing picture)>commit to orbital trajectory, return to EarthI think the wizard possesses INTERTEMPORAL INTERDIMENSIONAL DEBT POWERS the usury sorcery will relentlessly pursue the horse through time and space, through the multiverse and all conjectured imaginable paths through the light cone. So it is better to settle it once and for all in this life, not the next
>>6436086>>6436094After your fantastic mindblowing cosmic astral sex journey you crater back to Earth some distance from the wizard discotheque fortress, you are feeling very sore, just aches and pains all over from vigorous overexertion also a bit thirsty and restless and remorseful, stricken with post-coital depression you are not really sure what happened, if anything really happened maybe it was all a dream. Fortunately crumpled in your hoof is a suspiciously unburnt business card, as you squint you can make out some barely legible text in embossed font, but you have never heard of this JPMorrigan before, you have no idea what it means. What does the JP even stand for? Jigglypuff?? You also philosophically ponder the meaning of Morrigan, you delve deep into the mythological etymology of the Morrigan, Morr- probably like mortuary, so death, GAN is obvious, it is a generative adversarial network one of those early Artificial Intelligence experiments, so JPMorrigan probably means, Jigglypuff DEATH AI. Maybe they could help you with your debt problemAs you contemplate this impeccable and irrefutable analytical sequence of deductive reasoning, a small inquisitive child has approached you. Without asking for permission or consent he stretches a stubby hand to stroke your horsey mane, and then asks curiouslySHAYNE, a strange young boy-Are you a Unicorn? I want a unicorn! I bet you are a unicorn! Let's vote on it. If I win, I get to be the youngest unicorn! If you win... (the boy hesitates, a little unsure of himself. Suddenly he brightens and grins mischeviously) ... well you will never win. Ok let's play! UNICORNS!!!(You notice trailing behind Shayne is another silent red-headed girl. She gazes vacantly off into the distance)>(point at Shayne, concede grudgingly) Ok, I suppose... Yes, You are a unicorn>No I am the unicorn>We are both unicorns?>No-one is a unicorn. They do not exist>Look I really need USD 1 million dollahs to repay this evil debt wizard. Help me find this, I promise to get you a unicorn>This game is stupid. Like whatever I say won't your silent colluding girl companion just vote against it and then I lose the bet or something. There is probably some trick here it is so unfair!>Unicorns can only be captured by virgins. haha seethe more you incel>something else?
>>6436107>>something else?Kick both of their heads off while farting in the most horse like manner possible. Loot their bodies for 1 million USD.
>>6436112>ROUNDHOUSE KICK decapitate annoying puppet children, whilst expelling flatulence odours before your powerful equine hindleg muscles have even tensed, as you begin to inwardly coilspring compress the requisite simmering rage and intestinal combustible gases to roundhouse kick decapitate these infuriating children in the face, you see the red-headed girl child lurch suddenly over towards SHAYNE the peculiar boy, as she shows him a quick glimpse of something on her phone. Shayne frowns a little, and mutters-Luana tells me you are going to kick me in the head! Luana is psychic, she predicts the future perfectly. Ok please do not do that! Look, you can have this Art. Last I checked it is worth about half a thousandth of a unicorn. So nothing! UNICORNS!! They are the best! I am the youngest bestest unicorn ever!! (pic related is the Art)As you hesitate over this challenging appraisal and valuation of the monetary worth, merits appeal and market value of this puzzling 21st century artistic oeuvre portfolio consignment, you observe the silent psychic girl LUANA tugging more urgently and insistently on the sleeve of the peculiar and unabashed boy SHAYNE this time. Shayne frowns and his face appears clouded, but then his expression brightens opportunistically again-Luana tells me there is going to be a raid! They are always after us, with their guns and gas masks and black helicopters, because we are both so incredibly psychic. We see The Future completely perfectly. We have to hide now! Maybe under the Witch Mountain. They'll never find us! Just like unicorns! They are the best at hiding! Unicorns are just the best!(In your lust for loot, the children manage to escape entirely undecapitated, leaving only this disappointing artwork. The infuriating psychic children both skip gleefully away)
After your encounter with the psychic children SHAYNE and LUANA there is a lingering distaste dwelling in the frothy foam beneath your horsey gums, something about the world just does not feel right, maybe young children should not be allowed to wander around unregulated absent supervision as they make random wagers and trying to waylay strangers into betting against imaginary unicorns and things. Maybe there should be some form of mandatory age verification system- BUT NO! You slew the hideous SLASHED EYE glyph of the debt wizard chromatic blurred barrier! This is against everything you stand for? Or is it? The world is really confusing it is changing far too fast beyond the mental faculties and intellectual capacities of even a horse to comprehend. Maybe even you yourself as a horse have become epistemically obsolete, as once the horse was the emblem of martial power, conquest wealth and pride, men kidnapped their brides on the Steppe from the back of the horse, men worshipped the horse and the dual headed horse was the symbol of Hengest and HORSA conquerors of the woad-smeared men of the painted tribes, two horses pulling in two directions alternately intellectual and bestial within the vessel of the charioteer's mind was the symbolism of Phaedrus the allegory of desire and the human soul. Now after the internal combustion engine and the automotive and even the AI generated horse there is simply no market for your horsey labour toil and exertions, you are forced to survive on a vanishing pittance at the mercy of vengeful and capricious algorithmic internet pecuniary emoluments, and thus your CRUSHING WIZARD DEBT it is almost too cruel. And then in the back of your horseyhead you wonder if the debt increases, if the situation in the Strait Of Hormuz causes hyperinflation will your debt be eradicated and wiped out? Or is the debt inflation-linked? Does the debt amortise, does the interest accrue or is it merely repayment of face value principal? What if you could repay the debt in PIK notes with a toggle provision at some spread above SOFR, or securitise the debt in senior and unsecured lien tranches, and resell to private equity in endless mutual secondary market sales via private credit continuation vehicles, to ensure that exit events never expose the true underlying asset value?
These ponderings impress upon you the urgent need to LIQUIDATE YOUR PORTFOLIO and realise some tangible monetary value from your looted possessions so far. As you review your meagre collection of belongings, the list so far is this1 CONSTIPATED KNIFE GIMP (formerly Mournful Knife Angel)>>6435481>>6435475>>64355421 VORPAL ANTI STAB KNIFE (condition: used, besplattered in pulpy eye gore)>>64356181 FACESMASHER CHEEKBONE (with attached Mandibular jaw)>>64360531 WHATEVER THIS IS >>6436128 (pic related. you have no idea if this Art surrendered to you by the psychic child SHAYNE is even valuable)****As you saunter back towards the courtyard of the Debt Wizard Discotheque Fortress you are seeking urgently for a merchant or vendor or emporium of any sort, some location to offload your dubious treasures for proceeds to mitigate your crushing debt burden. And lo and behold, a vendor of sorts presents himself:In the middle of the fortress courtyard there is a SWORDSELLER; surrounding this Swordseller is a circle of twelve pristine and identical looking swords. The SWORDSELLER explains to you very quickly his difficulty:-Well as a horse I suppose you are not very interested in swords. That is my problem too! I really don't know anything about swords at all! You see I bought this merchandise for resale from a very devious looking sword MERCHANT. I don't know what it was but he kept turning sideways and rubbing his hands together and cackling in this sinister hunched beardy pose. It was very suspicious. I suspect he sold me one defective sword. But you see these swords all look completely identical! And I am not a blacksmith! I don't know anything about forging or swordplay and balance and all that, nothing at all! So there is one defective sword amongst the twelve, but it may be heavier or lighter, I don't know, the impure dross metal blended in could be of any weight! They are supposed to all be entirely identical in size, shape, dimensions, weight. Now all I have are these weighing scales. Maybe I should just weigh them one by one against each other? But I am so impatient! I don't have any time for this! What should I do? Help me solve this, and maybe I can help exchange your goods in trade too...>weigh 1 sword against 1 sword in the balance, either side>weigh 2 swords at a time each side>weigh 3 swords etc>weigh 4 swords each side...>weigh 5 swords either side against each other >weigh 6 swords? on both sides of the scale, isn't that all twelve at once?>draw a pair of swords and hack off the arms of the dungeonmaster who invented this puzzle
Did Souvarine actually run the QM out of his own quest?
>>6436181Yes anon that's just the kind of dickish cunt he is and this is why the majority of the board rightfully hates his annoying ass.
Rolled 3 (1d20)>>6436181>>6436303Guessing this is some sort of behind the scenes drama on discord or another medium. Don't even know who Souvarine is. Thought OP just jumped IDs due to shitpost quest.I do know this though. I don't care who is running the quest, so long as the content flows. These comments are getting fucked though.---Rolling a 1d20 to escape this quest through meta actions.
>>6436311In hubris, my roll was struck down. In arrogance, all falls into the dark. This shitpost was too sharp, too many blades, and now it cut too deep.
>>6436312Such is the fate of all who would defend Souvarine. Destined to have their penis destroyed forevermore.
Rolled 9 (1d20)>>6436313A duke nukem keychain will be used as sacrifice for: rolling for anti dick destruction reflective shield. I also have no idea who the fuck any of you nerds are or any of this lore. Will one of you continue the quest, like a maggot crawling into the husk of a snake, to give crude animation? Or do you only complain?
>>6436311>>6436322Honestly looks like you were having a blast, so I hope Souvy keeps posting here, good use of his creative mania. He linked to this in the /qtg/ and I just skimmed through and it seems like OP was gone for a day or two before he just seized the reins. Usually people wait a week or so before jacking some QM's swag. But hey, if you guys are having fun I think that's dope, so keep on keeping on.
>>6436327Its good to have an unhinged shitpost session that allows for brief moments of semi lucid textual artistry.As for quests, yeah, I suggest waiting a bit before hijacking, but I also suggest QMs have the fortitude to just come take it back, and either have a larf or if its a serious quest, retcon as needed.I'll always struggle to take 4chan too seriously. Sometimes some true art emerges here from the trolling and shitposts, but it seems skin is thinner these days. Maybe its just a sign of how little there is to hold onto. I must consider at great deliberation.---->>6436311>>6436322Foul magic struck the horse, it could neither escape, nor deflect, nor fornicate its way out of this mess.
