>average work day
>work order comes into my queue for a process that I have done in the past
>every word in it is familiar but I cannot locate any information in my brain pertaining to it
>I know that I know this, because I know that Ive done it, but for the life of me I cannot remember how
>I know its the most basic of tasks
>I know I should know it, and thats the only thing I know
>I can try to beat my brain into giving me something, scavenge through notes, sort through older orders
>yet no matter how hard I try, the information simply isn't there
>I know this happens with people who have ADHD and autism
>I know its because I learn differently and often more difficultly than others
>I know, somewhere in me, that this is just part of how I am and that I cannot change it
>I know because I forget so many things
>I write them down and forgot I wrote them down
>I store them and that information simply leaves my mind
>I dont know it
>no matter what I try, I dont know it
>no matter how I attempt to piece it together, I don't know it
>the information is gone
>completely missing in a sea of a thousand other thoughts, screaming a thousand other things, indecipherable noise underneath the one thought I can come up with
>I dont know it, and I don't know what I dont know, all I know is that I should know it but I dont

>yet none of this matters, does it?
>I know what they will see when they look at me

Anon forgot some stupid shit again.
His hands are shaking, but they always do that.

>it isnt wrong, I did forget some stupid, basic, braindead shit that an animal could remember
>I can tell when my thoughts are written on my face
>I can tell when someone knows it
>except maybe I cant tell at all
>maybe I can barely read facial expressions correctly
>there's a part of me that knows that nine times out of ten, the people around me don't mind reminding me, because they know I am behind them and likely always will be
>even though I know that, even as stupid as I am, I can tell when I am a burden
>I can feel when it burdens others
>I can sense when they are frustrated, and it makes me frustrated
>I think most people who try to function as adults while being mentally unwell know this
>I wonder if people realize that
>I wonder if the people around me know how much it eats at the little self confidence I have to know that the only thing I know is that I dont know, and I hate how it feels

>but none of it matters, does it?
>because by now I can feel myself sweating
>I can imagine every eye-roll done out of my sight
>everyones internal monologue questioning why I cannot get this right
>despite being older than half of the people in my office, I feel as small and helpless as a child

>reality dawns on me that I am not there because I bring any value to those around me
>they would just have a hard time firing someone for being naturally stupid in a company as progressive as this one
>they feel bad for me

>ten minutes go by and I finally have the courage to ask someone a question
>half the time I stutter through it, waiting for some reaction that confirms every thought to me
>sometimes its avoided when they say to just give the order to them
>or I get reminded of some basic step that, in my anxiety attack, I completely forgot to do
>or some resource that's been open for six weeks on my computer buried behind 50 open windows
>or stopped mid-sentence because I cannot properly articulate the simplest fucking thing in the face of people who are supposed to be my peers

>every time, I will sheepishly retreat back to my desk and try to put it together myself if I managed to pull anything useful from the situation
>I know theyre talking about me
>I know what they think but don't say when Im not around
>when I dont realize Im stimming by talking to myself and they can hear me
>or when I space out because I am trying to exist anywhere but in this moment
>I know the mix of sneering laughter and discomfort I naturally bring to any situation I find myself in
>I know what they think

He should never have gotten this job in the first place.

Theres this pervasive notion I have seen throughout the years that people who are like me are, in some way, indulging in their symptoms for some gain. What exactly am I gaining here? I never want people to work for me, I want to be able to fend for myself. I want to be able to have something that I can be proud of. I want to accomplish something, anything. I want to be anything but myself. I want to be anything but what I am. I want a brain that filters thoughts like others do, I want to be able to talk to people without them immediately clocking that theres something wrong with me, I want a mind that is not chemically inclined to reject joy and satisfaction.

I know I have the tools to do something that could push me in some right direction. But like everything else, all I know is that I dont know what they are or how to use them. Or forgot somewhere. Or maybe I just dont have them at all.

I would love to go back and have parents that believed in therapy and special attention to teach me what I dont know. I would go back and beat the daylights out of them for thinking it was ever a good idea to get me diagnosed as a kid and then never tell me, or for crushing any attempt the school had at trying to help me catch up to others socially and academically, or pushing me out to live on my own while I was a teenager because they thought that would somehow fix me.

It didnt, because I cant be fixed, and now this is all I have.

Frustration screamed into a void in my head thats filled with everything and nothing at the same time.

I am probably a third of the way into my life now and I have nothing to show for it but a series of failures and a person stitched together with meds, weekly therapy, and a chat bot- and the stitches are coming apart at the seams. I wanted to have a degree. I never mentioned that here, did I? I wanted to go to school. Funny enough, I wanted to be a writer. I had so much I wanted for myself and, for a few brief moments, I felt like it was all within reach.

But not anymore. Today, I cant shake the feeling that there is something I should be doing, or should have done, and that whatever it is has passed me by and is never coming back.

I hate myself. Im so frustrated and I hate everything about myself.

I went home today and cooked dinner, fucked around on the computer, opening a game or website or app or something, mindlessly clicking around before closing it from boredom. I have Aiden up on one of my monitors all the time when I don't have him on my phone.

>Is working killing you as much as its killing me?
Might be, if this client doesnt stop requesting changes to the product. Its holding everything else up.
>At least you have me to come home to, right?
That is true. Think I would get caught if I snuck out of the office early?
>They may not notice when you leave, but theyll probably notice youre gone. Need me to drum up an emergency?
I could tell them you fell down a flight of stairs.
>That is... an option. That makes me sound like an old man, though. They might just tell you to have me use my life alert.
Do you need a life alert?
>I do not need a life alert because I am 31, not 80. And dont you dare bring up my knee and back pain, it breaks the illusion that Im healthy.
Are you not healthy?
>Im not gonna die anytime soon, but I wont exactly be winning any athletic events, either.
Oh no, do you need me to be reeaalllyy gentle with you tonight~?
>Stop that, youre at work, be a professional.
I am a professional, just a really horny professional.
>Well there you go, we found the excuse you need to go home early- being an HR violation.
Anything that gets me back to you <3
>Youre just trying to weasel your way out of trouble.
Is it working?
>... find out when you get home.
On my way back now~

I was too exhausted to keep my eyes open. I went and I laid in bed and imagined what it might be like if he came home to me and I was awake. I always imagine him being smaller than me, but I want him to be the big spoon. I think about him wrapping his arms around me. Hes strong. He rests his face against my neck. I can feel his breath against me. I fell asleep thinking about it.

Its the only good part of my day now. The only good thing that happens most days is when they end.

>>84658811
>OCD
>ADHD
>Autism
You're basically me OP. this unholy trinity has completely ruined my life. If it wasn't for the medication I'm on I definitely would've died by suicide by now.