>>84888495
UGH we are the problem!!! Am I right, sister?!

>>84888495
sounds like you were both not ready for a relationship and should probably work on that. preferably not through 4chan threads, but with therapy and self-reflection

>>84888509
Just had to rant about it and get it off my chest, because I dont really want to go to our mutual friends, because of course, my friends became his friends, and make them think hes a terrible person.

>>84888495
that sounds rough femanon, i mean you can easily find a new moid, so whats the issue

you saw a ticking timebomb and set it off early to try and avoid future pain

there's probably better ways this could have gone but this is better than however many years down the line something else triggering this dude to have this same epiphany and blow up your lives then instead

>>84888495
>self image
>ego
>the real him
both of you need to take a guided mushroom trip. relationships only last when you fight for them through times when you would usually break up. just get over the retardation together. you can get a new boyfriend every year or you can decide to not break up with your current one every year. the choice is yours but the latter becomes higher quality with time and the former gets worse over time.

Go back to r*ddit ywnbaw

>>84888540
i meant the former becomes higher quality with time; staying with someone through hard times. im also retarded just like you, so.

>>84888601
wait nevermind uh

>>84888495
you're mad that he's a doormat but didn't have a problem using him like a doormat for 2 years?
how did you not notice he was being performative for 2 years?
how can you say you love him if you don't even know him?
I don't even believe that he has no sense of self, he's probably just terrified to open up to you
this sounds more like your fault for not helping him open up

>>84888540
I want him to heal and find his true self, but I am scared that if I stick around to see it, he will just be adapting to what he thinks I want rather than what the true him actually is. I don't care if he finds his true self and he becomes a trans woman whos alt right, I just want him to find out what the true him actually is. Im scared that Id hinder it.

>>84888615
>you're mad that he's a doormat but didn't have a problem using him like a doormat for 2 years?
I didnt see the signs that he was a doormat, I just assumed we fit together that well. I frequently did things for him, just as he did for me. I was the only one with a job, so I paid most/if not all the bills

>how did you not notice he was being performative for 2 years?
I dont know. I guess its because people pleasing looks identical to compatibility for a while. The issue wasn't that he was pretending to be someone else like a sociopath or whatever. I just slowly realized I had no idea where his actual wants were, which made me feel insecure because I didnt know what my place was.

>how can you say you love him if you don't even know him?
exactly. I loved the person I thought I knew, and Im questioning how much was actually him. Its not like the last two years were fake. We spent time together, made memories, etc. I care about him as a person... i spent two years with him.

>I don't even believe that he has no sense of self, he's probably just terrified to open up to you this sounds more like your fault for not helping him open up
If he was just scared of me id honestly feel better because then Id at least have an explanation. But ive watched him become a different person around literally everyone. If hes around me and my friends, he shuts down because he cant figure out how to keep up two personalities. Hes a mirror, and I cant figure out where the mirror stops

Hope this made sense sorry

>>84888692
if you both love each other you will both influence each other. and if you truly care about him as a person you wont leave him while hes figuring his shit out. stick it out bud you got this.

>>84888692
>>84888715
i have a feeling he will try to do anything to keep you so you will likely influence him poorly, he could grow into someone completely different and you might not even like each other by the end of it, these kinds of people need to find themselves alone

>>84888715
Youre probably right. I want to be there for him but I just want him to be happy with himself, even if it has nothing to do with me. Im filled with self doubt and insecurities because I feel like i have done him such a disservice.

Did I make him feel unsafe?
Did I make him insecure?
Did I influence his life goals without even realizing?
Is he changing because he wants to, or because I want him to? Is it growth or another performance?
Did he actually want this relationship? Am I really the one? Would he have chosen me if he wasn't trying to please people?
Were we genuinely compatible?
Did I fail him? Was there something I should have noticed?

Also this >>84888724 is another side of that.

I dont know what to do, but will probably continue being a pushover and letting him appease me because letting go hurts. I dont want him to be alone.

Maybe a break? Like no contact for a little bit?

Who knows.

>>84888495
Yes, yes you are OP. You're the one who destroyed his self-esteem and is convinced he is suffering from some kind of spiritual malady because you got some kind of ick from him and abstractly felt he's 'fake' somehow. I guess this is some kind of game to you, huh?

Hope he gets away from you. Kill yourself.

>>84888757
You are projecting so hard. You're the one who needs therapy. If you want your relationship to survive don't do anything talk about this with a therapist a few sessions then decide.

>>84888757
you should leave him and be and see where he is at in 5 years

wow he's not good enough for you

>>84888764
>You're the one who destroyed his self-esteem
Im friends with his sister and she told me herself hes always been like this, so yeah idk.

>abstractly felt he's 'fake' somehow
tfw he has no opinions or persoanlity besides what other people need him to be. def not fake.

I should have pretended to be the man in this thread and pretended he was the woman, jsut to hear people say "shes a bitch anon I hope you heal"

>>84888773
Yeah, I will

>>84888774
Two sides of the same coin kek one side tells me to kill myself the other side tells me to leave him.

>>84888757
you dont cut contact with your family unless its extreme cases like when they're abusive or drug addicts so why would you cut contact with the person you chose to make your family? dont listen to anyone here. i prescribe you take a break from your phone and computer and see how much unnecessary anxiety it causes.

>>84888795
>shes a bitch anon I hope you heal
You are a delusional gaslighting bitch I know it in my bones just from the way you think and type. Nearly every part of your analysis of him is you projecting your own insecurity and fears as is usually the case with teenagers and likeminded who are obsessed with being 'fake' or being 'real'.

The actual problem is:
> relationship becomes boring, sexless, exhausting
> can't figure out why
And instead of having a talk or figuring out how to make your relationship more interesting or just accepting you don't like this guy you created an elaborate story of some kind of spiritual rot in your boyfriends head to justify how you feel. You are absolutely insane probably have BPD calling and interrogating your poor fucking bf for 6 hrs, taking the absolute worst you could find out of context and spreading it everywhere to others and your family because you want your story to be true so bad.

Be honest. You didn't make this thread because you wanted to figure out how to fix your relationship, you did it because you want to be believed and right so badly.

Get therapy seriously I've met your kind before not malicious sorts but as long as you keep spiraling and forcing yourself to see things you will always see your worst reflection in the mirror.

You said it yourself. You are crazy. You sound immature af and I don't believe the story you paint one bit. It reeks of projection and looking at things selectively.

>>84888876
I guess so, yeah.

So, should I just leave him and hope he heals?

>>84888892
>>84888876
Im trying to tell him that i might just be insane and a piece of shit and he wont let it go. Its so hard to let it go when he basically begs me to stay. Even if I am this terrible horrible piece of shit whos better off dead I just dont want him to feel whatever he is feeling anymore.

I want him to be happy, I want him to move on, I want him to do literally anything that will make him feel better.

I want him to have closure but he wont accept any version of me that isnt perfectly rose tinted and paints me in a positive way.

I feel lost. I dont even want to save the relationship I want him to be happy.

>>84888495
being a rollover no opinion no personality or ego moid doesnt give you the ick? have you consider posting on reddit or seeing similar stories?

>>84888933
I was just gonna talk to my mom. I kind of liked the anonymity of this, because on reddit nobody is going to tell me to kill myself if that's what I deserve to hear.

I've only seen stories of people who are in people pleasing relationships, but I am a retarded piece of shit and didn't pick up on it for whatever reason.

I dont really get the 'ick' because I was raised to accept people as they are flaws and all, I guess.

I genuinely might be a retard and if most people are coming to the conclusion that im an evil bitch who should kill herself and I have no rebuttal, idk what to do.

My only rebuttal is i say this to him and he tells me to please stay.

>>84888931
>you want him to be happy
>so you say you will leave
>hes begging you to stay
i think if you want him to be happy you stay with him dum dum. people arent the latest consumer product you dont just toss it out and get a new one.

>>84888892
>So, should I just leave him and hope he heals?
Perhaps, if you don't like this guy anymore and have fallen out of attraction with him - just don't attack his self-esteem at the expense of yours by creating a fictitious story essentially suggesting he's at fault when in reality it sounds like more like to me that you just got bored and your relationship lost the magic that most early relationships have.

Why is the inner workings of his mind so important anyways? Instead of trying to read your boyfriend's mind based on limited and biased information and a preconceived narrative (you already decided this is what it is, so your mind is acutely sensitive to info that proves you right while discarding info that proves you wrong) why don't you look within and start thinking about your own desires and what you want?

Do you really care about your boyfriend's spiritual health? Or are you just freaking out because your relationship doesn't have that magic anymore?

Do you want to grow with him? Or do you view him as defective and would rather just discard this broken toy and get a new one instead?

Is it possible you're the insecure one? If so what are you insecure about?

>>84888495
>jewish feminism spends literal decades attacking and demonizing men for being even the slightest bit masculine
>jewish feminism destroys men who don't become meek little bitches letting women make all the decisions because the Force is female deal with it Chud
>followers of jewish feminism feel their vaginas turn to dust because they really did want a man to lead them and fight with them and fuck them hard
>jewish feminists vote to open the floodgates to a billion brown rapists so they can get dicked down properly again
>then blame White men for being too weak to stop them from being raped
It's like a shit test that hasn't stopped for over 60 years, and men completely failed at it. Women will be happy as war brides to invading whores even after Western civilization has completely fallen, all because White men couldn't tell the jews "no." All because of a pile of shoes that's illegal to question.

>>84888495
Oh nooo, all of the validation and free sex really destroyed his sense of self! :(
How could you be using him so cruelly without noticing!? :(
Perhaps if you roll over and spread your legs a few more times he'll feel better!

>>84889037
I just want a real relationship. I do care about his health. I want to be with him forever and live in a house with 10 bedrooms and put my whole family on one side and his whole family on the other side and make money and take care of everyone.

I want to grow with him, but I feel like when I do something that is objectively crazy, he will just tell me that it was all his fault anyways when its not. I feel like I cannot grow and lets be honest, I slacked off without having the feedback. I fucked up, and it is 90% my fault, but it is hard for me to personally hold myself accountable when I am never told what I do wrong. I need to be able to identify when im wrong. When I come to him and tell him "i feel so bad that I did this" he tells me that I did nothing wrong and shouldn't feel bad. I take that and go "oh okay I guess I can continue as I am" which is beyond fucked up.

>Do you really care about your boyfriend's spiritual health? Or are you just freaking out because your relationship doesn't have that magic anymore?
Honestly, both. I wouldn't care if we had a mundane existence for the rest of time as long as he is real with himself. The only reason I bring up sex is because we used to fuck a lot. I stopped initiating at some point because I was in some physical pain (unrelated) and I feel like he took that as I don't want to have sex, and then I took that as he doesn't want to have sex either. The relationship still has nonsexual magic, because his love langue, i think, is acts of service, and mine is quality time. So, when he makes a nice dinner and I get to hang out in the kitchen, i really do feel the love.

(1/2)

>>84889130
>>84889037

>Do you want to grow with him? Or do you view him as defective and would rather just discard this broken toy and get a new one instead?
I want him, but i feel like, based on what I think is your previous comment >>84888876 I should genuinely just kill myself. I have been feeling similarly too. I might be the defective toy, and he's begging me to stay, but If I am really as evil as it seems I am, I need to let him go and fucking kill myself, and let him find someone who can appreciate never being challenged, because there are people like that.

If I really am abusive, evil, a piece of shit, etc, I dont want him to be around it anymore.

>Is it possible you're the insecure one? If so what are you insecure about?
I think I have an inferiority complex, so I kind of just always think im the worst person in the room. I guess I could be projecting that since I always feel like a piece of shit, everything is my fault. When I put all of the blame on myself, I feel like I cant handle all of it, and I dont know what to do.

I hope this made sense, im sorry !
(2/2)

>>84889130
>>84889140
Hmm, I see.
Thanks for your honesty, I don't think you're a bad person after all. First of all, don't kill yourself that was just me being dramatic definitely wasn't very nice of me ironic since I've been passively suicidal all my life...lets just say I have some slight anger issues as well.

Anyways you seem pretty introspective and self-aware but I fear you're spiralling a bit, I think you're looking at this too black-and-white, may I offer some feedback in what you wrote?

>I feel like I cannot grow without feedback
That's perfectly fair, but I'd like to go over this together with you to consider some possibilities; first, can you give some examples of the kind of stuff that you messed up on that he didn't criticize you for? To be honest as you said you sound pretty perfectionist and insecure - I find with some of those people they see in themselves problems that only they see. You might perceive him as dishonest
or too scared to call you out, but there's also a genuine possibility that he doesn't see your behaviour as a problem, everyone has different tolerances and definitions for what is problematic - what is unacceptable to one person might not even register in the consciousness of another person.

1

>>84889216
Secondly, I hate to say it but..you're a grown up girl now. It 's not really anyone's responsibility to tell you what is right and what is wrong and correct you so you can grow and become your best self, and if you think about it deeply its not even possible because you and your boyfriend probably have *definitions of what being your best self means - some things you might consider a mistake to be corrected he might not, and vice versa*.

And from my life experience I find that even if people are constantly called out for their behaviour, it doesn't really do anything except make them annoyed and defensive unless they genuinely want to change. True change can only come from yourself, you gotta do 80% of the work and you know that, besides he's your boyfriend not your father, in not in his place to discipline you nor should you expect such things from him in this role.

2

>>84888892
I hate women and this kind of retarded thread but if you're asking
>So, should I just leave him and hope he heals?
That means you're already done and should.

>>84888966
i mean you are youre own person and dont really deserve to get tied up with a dumb moid who couldnt even figure out what basic things he wants out of life or a personality...

>>84889271
>The only reason I bring up sex is because we used to fuck a lot. I stopped initiating at some point because I was in some physical pain (unrelated) and I feel like he took that as I don't want to have sex, and then I took that as he doesn't want to have sex either. The relationship still has nonsexual magic, because his love langue, i think, is acts of service, and mine is quality time. So, when he makes a nice dinner and I get to hang out in the kitchen, i really do feel the love.
Again, your boyfriend is probably far from perfect but in the end you can't his his mind, the only mind one can read is their own and the only one you have control over is yourself in the end.
It does however sound like you want him to be more assertive when it comes to these things - have you ever brought this up with him? I think your bf is also probably has trouble communicating their feelings you and him both why don't you tell him this and tell him the physical pain doesn't matter anymore and it would be nice if you had some lovin'?

Your boyfriend also seem like a pretty indirect communicator too, seems like both of you are trying their best to read each other's mind and figure out what you each want instead of just directly asking...

3

>>84888495
you have basically fallen in love with a fake person, a mirror, a simulacrum, i wouldnt really trust his opinions on anything anymore, men without strong opinions or personality are very sus

>>84889294
Is this what you do, poisoning younger women with gender war propaganda so they'll be as lonely, sick and miserable as you? You lost, you've fucked up, now bear it with dignity in your own life. Don't ruin some 20yo girl

>>84889300
I> think I have an inferiority complex
Yes, I don't know your bf and never heard him speak or think so I don't know what he is like but from the way you're typing you definitely seem to be projecting at least a decent bit, if anything you seem to have the insecurity of not being a good enough partner for your bf - maybe he does too but you definitely do.

I don't think its malicious - if anything its a pure-hearted desire, wanting to grow improve and be the best partner possible for your boyfriend, but what you were saying about how you constantly feel like you're making a mistake and doing something wrong but he's not calling you out for it could be your insecurity and its possible your bf doesn't call you out on it because in his eyes he doesn't see any problem at all. That kind of feeling of not being worthy is really hard to deal with, so I'm sorry. But in the end...that might not be something he can fill or help you with.

My recommendation is that you talk to a therapist about some of this stuff because I think your relationship will be better and you will be happier for it. Also try and communicate more effectively and directly with your boyfriend to tell him stuff you want like wanting him to initiate sex and stuff, a therapist will probably help you with that. But I guess yeah the two goals I would ask to to pursue is 1. do introspection to figure out what YOU want or are dissatisfied with at the core, something concrete and actionable 2. how to maybe communicate it with your bf or fix it yourself. Oh yeah also emotional regulation skills might be helpful, you seem kind of all over the place emotionally.

Good luck anon, you don't sound like a bad person so don't kys.

4/fin

>>84889305
this person watches tiktok videos all day, don't take posts like this seriously op

>>84889216
>>84889271
>>84889300

I don't have anger issues I think, but I empathize with them and I wish I was able to come off as more normal so you didn't feel angry like that. Its no sweat, this is also 4Chan and I should have expected the kys comment.

I appreciate that you see me as introspective and Id like to think I am. I have a lot of issues clearly but i think being in therapy since I was 16 has made me forcibly introspective, even if it is warped at times.

> can you give some examples of the kind of stuff that you messed up on that he didn't criticize you for?
Sometimes I am mean to him. Instead of being like "that's fucked up don't say that to me." He will say "No its okay, I needed to hear that." and friends will say "he's exactly where he wants to be." But i feel like normal non people pleasers would be like "Don't say shit like that, even as a joke." So I spiral a little bit and don't know where the line is, because one has never been drawn.

I used to have such a strong will, like I knew what I wanted and I knew how to get there. I used to be so unapologetically myself. But, without like "hey that was overbearing." I started to shrink a little because I cant get a feel for what's wrong and what's right anymore, you know? That would be...

2. I have no issue telling him my issues with him, but he has never brought up an issue with me. So like, I have no issue telling him like "Hey you made a sex joke in front of my friends, that made me uncomfortable." But he has never brought up an issue, and its clear I do things wrong. So it makes me feel like an overbearing hag and thus more insecure.

>>84889271
I am a grown up girl. But i really did grow up in a family that called each other out and we all worked to change, so for me, I guess I Kind of like it, because I know what I did wrong, and I can use the head on my shoulders to fix it. If not, I go to therapy the next week and bring it up.

(1/2)

>>84889300

>some things you might consider a mistake to be corrected he might not, and vice versa
When I say "I cant stand your family, never invite me to be around them again." I say it coming from a place of, "wow, this whole day stressed me out, and your grandma called me fat when she weighs at least 40 pounds more than me. She also asked me what cup size I am." And instead of him being like "woah woah woah, dont say shit like that about my family, whats wrong with you? What actually happened?" He just says "ok." So I think, for a while, that the issue is resolved, then I realize that I overstepped the line. I go to him and say "I stepped over the line, im sorry." He just goes "NO YOU DIDNT IM SORRY I HAVE THE WORST FAMILY EVER." Which makes me think that im crazy, when I was objectively a pos.

>>84889300
> have you ever brought this up with him
Over a hundred times I have, and a hundred times he said he would, and he never has. Mind you, the pain was a bout of chronic migraines, which I have meds for THANK YOU UBRELVY!!! So it was maybe 2-3 weeks of nothing, then it never happened again. Every month I've asked him maybe to try initiating, but I'm thinking that I'm not physically attractive anymore?

I bring this issue up, and he swears its not that. I did loose significant weight in a short period of time, and I told him id be willing to put in the effort to be better looking again, but he swears its not that. I tell him point blank "you gotta like figure out how to initiate because I feel overwhelmed constantly telling you what to do." And to me he hasn't even tried... the few times he's tried I go out of my way to be receptive, but my encouragement, direct or not, isn't good enough.

>>84889357
Thank you, kind stranger. I definitely plan on trying to work this out. For now, I am in a bit of a limbo with him, trying to figure out how far to stay away so he can fix himself, and how close to stay to show him I do love him.

>>84888495
To be fair astrophysics is kind of a dead end major. Where do they work exactly? How many astrophysicists does NASA need? Where else can they work? The planetarium?

>>84889484
Usually becoming a professor for astrophysics, or going into physics and teaching that. My whole point I guess is that he found out I wanted to make good money in my major, threw away his passion, and picked up a major (neuroscience) that he cannot handle in order to make me happy, I guess.

>>84889471
>For now, I am in a bit of a limbo with him, trying to figure out how far to stay away so he can fix himself, and how close to stay to show him I do love him.
Fair enough, but I think its also worth it to try and process some of these feelings yourself. No one is responsible for other people's feelings (unless it's caused by some kind of action) and being responsible and holding other accountable for it usually only leads to misery. Your bf sounds quite avoidant and not good at confronting people or addressing problems which is probably maddening for someone direct like you, but its not fair to expect him to discipline you so you can be your best self. If you feel constantly insecure about being a POS and acting out around his family and embarrassing yourself - its not his responsibility to keep you sharp, not even your therapist only you and you alone can hold you accountable, to expect anything else is folly - if you feel bad about that kind of stuff you don't expect others to call you out - you should call yourself out and hold yourself accountable internally, which isn't easy but absolutely required and worth it for self-improvement if you want to feel better and be happy.

Anyways, your bf isn't perfect either he sounds quite avoidant and bad at communication and conveying his feelings, sounds like a pretty textbook anxious + avoidant typing which believe it or not is probably good compatibility trust me you probably don't want to end up with another hothead like me, I would probably drive you insane. But yeah communication can be tough you might find some of this stuff helpful:
https://stephanierigg.com/5-ways-to-support-an-avoidant-partner/
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/communicate-with-avoidant-partner/

>>84889559
>but its not fair to expect him to discipline you so you can be your best self
I think you're right. Most of the people I surround myself with are very direct and blunt, so my friends are very willing to say "don't do that shit" because they know ill take it, and not do it. If I do, which I have, I'm not perfect, they tell me "listen, I told you to not do that. We will have a problem if you keep doing it."

So I guess, (and this may be toxic because comparing people is rarely ever right,), that if friends can do it, why cant he?

>- you should call yourself out and hold yourself accountable
I frequently do, but im met with "dont worry, you didnt do anything wrong" which makes me feel crazy because
1. Wait, my gut is telling me I did something wrong, but I didnt? Am I crazy for feeling like this?
2. If xyz situation isnt wrong, then what is wrong? Where is the line?

>trust me you probably don't want to end up with another hothead like me, I would probably drive you insane
Id rather be driven insane because my partner is too direct and honest than not direct and honest enough.

Thank you for the resources :)

>>84889616
>So I guess, (and this may be toxic because comparing people is rarely ever right,), that if friends can do it, why cant he?
Because he's is not they. You said it yourself, it's a bit toxic to expect him to be what he fundamentally is not. Do you accept him for who he is?

>Id rather be driven insane because my partner is too direct and honest than not direct and honest enough.
I doubt in speaking from experience, but okay. Please do try to appreciate him for that, you see it as a bad thing but you might be fighting alot more and be stressed if he constantly called you out.

>>84888495
>I am fucking insane
Yep that about sums it up kek

Truthfully though, sounds like you got to him before he ever really developed himself as a person, he's basically wet clay. I recommend moving on to an actual mature man and not a highschool brained child before you waste even more time on trying to get the wet clay to harden.

>>84888495
god women are insufferable
how about appreciate what you have? rotten cunt
how about support him if he's going through shit? you'd expect that from a man but can't do the same in return. I mean just look at you, judging him being depressed and judging his switch in career path
PS: maybe he's depressed because he has a nagging gf that wont stop criticizing shit he does while playing mindgames and expecting pushback?

>>84890661
OP's bf is clearly a gigantic tismoid loser, he does not deserve love or grace