Hi /r9k/.I'm 26 years old/m and i come to you in a time of need. I struggled with depression and anxiety (as most of this fucking board has) for most of my life but recently ive been feeling like those two things may be a consequence of a "dominating" mental illness that may have never been properly diagnosed.Now i used to do therapy, was on anti depressants, SSRI'S anti psychotics etc etc etc...I stopped doing it around 4 or so years ago but lately my head feels like is spiraling out of complete fucking control and so is my life.To give you an understanding of the things i feel:>I always had weird beliefs ever since i was a child, always felt like i could "feel" the essence of the world and most of my decision making to this day comes from that>As such i get massively overstimulated over emotions, i feel them intensely, this has always helped me read rooms, people, intentions>It is also my biggest curse if im being honest, it's so intense that i can barely deal with it properly and am known to have insane burst outs over small things. >People tell me i am very keen to predict things that will happen in the future>All of this of course makes my relationships a complete mess, both with friendships and past girlfriends>I have never hit any of my gf's, but i am told i am extremely hard to deal with and some called me abusive>I go from thought to thought to thought to thought trying to come up with something and end up disassociating in the middle of those many intersected lines of messy thoughts, i have to frequently grab my mind by the neck Now...my one true fear is BPD...My mom had it and i read that that shit can be hereditary, this does not make me comfortable and i wouldn't know how to live with the fact that i have my mother's shadow haunting me for the rest of my life. Unfortunately this seems like the most likely scenario, either that or ive been a schizo this whole time.
>>85088376What was your childhood like? What's your ACE score, which ones did you have? Any other major traumas outside childhood?
>>85088390Only recently came to terms with the fact that i was groomed twice by two different women when i was 14.I have never done an ACE score.Childhood was a mess, parents always fighting, drug addicted father, was basically the "man" of the house ever since i was 8 so i spent alot of time listening to my mother's ramblings about how she hated her life and was going to kill herself, all of this while taking care of my little sister.It wasn't the best thing, it's when i started having my very first panic attacks, im aware my childhood was the perfect breeding ground for trauma (ESPECIALLY when i finally got my access to the internet) so there's no news there. I used to disassociate alot when i was a kid, had whole worlds in my head, it was my way of protecting myself i guess, won alot of writing competitions at school because i would just write everything on my head onto a piece of paper. I still write.
>>85088390>>85088419To add, teachers always complained about how i "lived in my own world". I have been caught having conversations with myself more than a few times (people looking at me weird of course), fact is, i don't even realize what's going on until i "snap back". It feels weird to even explain this.
>>85088376not sure about the rest but you feeling the "essence" of things and predicting the future is something i can relate to a lot. the "essence" of people i'm interacting with can be so intense that my day can be literally ruined just from e.g. having discord open and knowing that person is in my friend list online somewhere, its an odd feeling to describe. its as if i can "feel" the person being alive/conscious near me, through the app logo in my taskbar, inside the app, buried in my friend list, staring at me slightly, sitting in front of their PC. i can "sense" the emotional / chemical state of someones soul if that makes absolutely any sense at alli've had dreams predicting the future which might make me sound like a kook.can you relate to any at this at all or am i interpreting you differently?
>>85088419I ask because you sound a lot like me. We are the same age and everything. Do you know about cPTSD? I have been officially diagnosed, gone to trauma therapy (psychotherapy + EMDR). Was in and put of therapy with all sorts of diagnoses and medications over the years. Only when I started looking at things through the lens of cPTSD did I make any progress with my mental health whatsoever. Most, like, the vast majority, of people working in mental health are NOT trauma-informed. It's actually retarded. I also suspect I am "highly sensitive."Could you look into cPTSD and HSPs and tell me if you relate? I have some advice if you do.
>>85088433No you are absolutely spot on in everything you said. It's so strong that i can immediately feel my hear rate spiking up whenever i feel that "life essence" that you talked about, the feeling of survival that immediately kicks in when i know that something is wrong is terrifying, i just want it to be all quiet when it happens.In a sense though...it's like i can feel the warmth of someone and emotions like love more intensely than other people...when you feel love like i do it really puts the whole "love is like a drug" phrase into massive fucking glowing light perspective. It's maddening.
>>85088439Oh i'm aware of cPTSD...Could you kindly share some advice? Im considering going back to therapy but anything would help anon...thank you
>>85088464I'm sorry to hear it, but please remember all is not lost. cPTSD can be managed. For me, learning about the biomechanics of it helped a lot. The core of it is that cPTSD isn's really a psychological problem in the way people assume. It's a nervous system problem that produces psychological symptoms. The distinction matters a lot, because it changes what actually helps.What happens in repeated or prolonged trauma is that the autonomic nervous system, which regulates your baseline state of safety or threat, gets calibrated to a threat environment that no longer exists. Polyvagal theory describes this in the most useful way I've encountered. The nervous system has three basic states: ventral vagal, which is the social engagement state where you feel safe, connected, and able to think clearly. sympathetic activation, which is the fight or flight response. and dorsal vagal, which is the freeze or shutdown state that kicks in when fight or flight isn't an option.In cPTSD the window of tolerance, the range within which you can function in ventral vagal, gets very narrow. Small triggers that wouldn't register for someone with a regulated nervous system can knock you straight into sympathetic or dorsal states, and the recovery time back to baseline is much longer than it should be. This is why the responses feel disproportionate from the outside and confusing from the inside. The nervous system is still responding accurately to what it learned, it's just learned the wrong baseline.I recommend researching it, because once you learn what is happening, this existence becomes much easier to understand. There is a reason behind everything. I really recommend reading, or at least researching, The Body Keeps The Score. Polyvagal theory is also very helpful. Also, if you go back to therapy, please search for specifically a trauma informed practitioner. This is very, very important. Regular therapy is not made for people like us and neither are the medicines.
>>85088450interesting, ironically i have this heightened sense for mostly everything except for love which might have to do with some kind of childhood trauma, i never really had a crush or anything. can relate to the "all quiet" aspect, i usually hide into seclusion and ideally a dark room when my nervous system is overstimulated. i'll ask you some more questions if thats fine?do you have any defining examples / moments of your ability to sense the "essence" of things?when you think of something, read something, listen to peoples words, do images pop up in your head? colors?you mentioned sporadically jumping through chains of thoughts, do you feel like your hyperactivity is related to your level of intelligence in some way?
>>85088530>do you have any defining examples / moments of your ability to sense the "essence" of things?We weren't dating, we were hooking up, she was terrible terrible terrible.One time, in a new years party she goes to this place after promising to be with me for weeks, the relationship or whatever the fuck that was had been rocky for awhile but as soon as i saw the list of people that were going there i knew this shit was gonna end right there and right then.There was this guy that was the spitting image of me, except a little taller, same tastes in everything and all, i don't know what i felt back then but i just remember saying to myself "I need to get the fuck away from here because i already know what's gonna happen".I broke up with her the very next day, after nonstop crying and moaning and "please dont leave me's" i already knew that she was going to trade me for that guy eventually, she just simply had the ho reputation and superficiality that made it enough to make sense on what was going to happen in my head. And guess what, not long after they were fucking for awhile lmao, she got pumped and dumped though and made a complete asshat of herself with how fucking angry she was about all of that (to this day her name is not very well received within certain groups because of this lol).>when you think of something, read something, listen to peoples words, do images pop up in your head? colors?colors, shapes, sometimes even names. Wrote an entire list of people's names and which kind of foods they reminded me off once, also ive been associating days of the week and months to colors ever since i was a kid.>you mentioned sporadically jumping through chains of thoughts, do you feel like your hyperactivity is related to your level of intelligence in some way?Im not sure anon, i definitely feel like i hit certain conclusions faster than other people can but lack the "exact words" to voice them properly so i end up looking like a schizo half the time
>>85088376meditation time required
>>85088530NTA, but I want to ask you the same, do you relate to what is described as a "Highly Sensitive Person?" Or to cPTSD as well? You may benefit from learning about how the nervous system functions as well.
>>85088525That is very interesting and makes alot of sense anon, im going to try and see if i can find a trauma informed practicioner but i doubt it will be easy in my country. >>85088609Only time i feel like i can actually trance is when i meditate on drugs
>>85088626If you can't find one, all the information is out there. Just takes a little work and you can teach yourself a lot of it. It would be great if you could find one, though. Best of luck, anon. o7
>>85088603>Wrote an entire list of people's names and which kind of foods they reminded me off once, also ive been associating days of the week and months to colors ever since i was a kid.Ha! I knew it, we're kind of alike from what you've told me so farWhile I haven't created a people-food list, I've done similar things. Might come off as creepy and but it was part of a larger project I was working on, my friends mostly knew about it. I once created a program which mapped my friends / people I knew, e.g. with various spider graphs, their attributes, and so on. I planned to include things like anime / show characters that they reminded me of, or various objects / colors too as their background / decoration. My thinking is very broad / connected to various senses as well which I thought was normal for most people throughout most of my lifeYour story is also telling. Seems like your ability to sense / feel things more deeply, especially people, might make it easier for you to grasp how they themselves would react to specific situations / things which makes predicting the future easier>i definitely feel like i hit certain conclusions faster than other people can but lack the "exact words" to voice them properly so i end up looking like a schizo half the timeYou lack balance, I think :-) You're unstructured. You might have a deep / sensual intuition but its kind of more of a curse when you can't control it. Do you read? Have you worked on regulating your nervous system?>>85088613Yes, I've read books on both of these subjects actually. I've implemented some habits to soothe my nervous system since and have been semi-balancing it. I still remember how taking my first hot bath felt like. Not to come across as a pervert, I really mean this in a non-sexual way, but I felt so relieved / reborn through and after it that I genuinely felt like I was having a full body orgasm Lmao. Speaks volumes to how stressed out and on edge I was my entire life before imo
>>85088603>>85088751Also, is that image supposed to represent your ex / hook-up ex? scary..
>>85088751Yes. I do read. Im actually back in university trying to finish my degree on literature.Reading has helped me immensely in finding the words or should i say "vocabulary" to articulate alot of the things that i feel aside from the fact that it has helped me advance and expand my knowledge on certain things that i usually don't have alot of knowledge on but can just "feel" that there's something off with it.That program is crazy work, so your good with computers i assume? I may also mention that although i do have quite alot of trouble concentrating i always manage to get "shit done" somehow, kinda how most of my coding classes went, i was thinking of maybe picking it up again but im not sure how much of that you can actually teach yourself..
>>85088784Nah, i would love to say which celebrity most looks like her but there is a slight chance that she is browsing right now.I'll just leave the color that instantly comes into my mind when i think about her, this was the color of the aura i felt everytime i was with her. Take of this what you will.
>>85088826>I do read. Im actually back in university trying to finish my degree on literature.Thats nice. I never really went to uni, I dropped out of hs as a teen, lmaoI was a huge problem when I was younger, mainly because of said things mentioned in this thread. The world was evil, bright lights gave me headaches, crowds made me want to die, and so on. I recovered a bit since then though :' It wasn't entirely a curse, it made me avoid wrong people and paths I could've went down.>Reading has helped me immensely in finding the words or should i say "vocabulary">helped me advance and expand my knowledge on certain things that i usually don't have alot of knowledge on but can just "feel" that there's something off with itCan relate to this as well. I used to struggle with articulating myself in the past too, I used to get called a schizo a lot lol>so your good with computers i assume?A little, its my full time job nowadays which kind of sucked the passion out of it :''>thinking of maybe picking it up again but im not sure how much of that you can actually teach yourself..You can teach yourself anything, especially in the current age of AI.However, said AI is why I wouldn't recommend you getting into anything CS related. As a passion however is just fine, and so is using it to start and publish projects on your own>>85088848Interesting! Kind of matches your description honestly
>>85088984Im gonna be honest anon going back to university has made me second doubt it because i gave up a pretty good job so that i could follow my degree, i kind of regret it now but i didn't see myself doing that for my entire life, the pay was however extremely good and that would have definitely helped me alot on moving on with my life if i had locked in and stacked up for a few years.I started feeling it all the more intense in university, i can talk to people, act like them, go to parties, get with girls etc but im so much older than most of them, not that there isn't people my age and even older at the university but the "uni life" is mostly people on their fresh 20's and whatnot, not that the difference is THAT huge but there's definitely a little maturity factor being played here especially considering the things in my life that toughned me up a little too early.Shit got so intense i basically stopped going to classes entirely and failed my last semester after just straight up leaving a party due to how absolutely TERRIBLE i was feeling, damn near considered jumping off a bridge i was contemplating for like 15 minutes. I was however working a part time job during that time i wasn't showing up to school so i guess it wasn't all a complete waste.
>>85089054Shit, this is jumbled as fuck sorry man. Kinda high right now hope you understood at least some of that
>>85089054What kind of job? Why drop it? What kind of pay? I'd agree that it kind of sounds like a mistake, no offense. I understand not wanting to do it for your entire life, but stacking some money while you have a golden goose seems like the obvious choice>damn near considered jumping off a bridge i was contemplating for like 15 minutes.Why? What about it made you so unhappy? Or your situation in general? Do you not feel like an alternative path can satisfy you?
>>85089069Completely fine lmao. Was wondering why your way of typing changed a bit
>>85089099>>85089090add me i feel .takeyya.
>>85088376i don't like this image because the facial features and expression remind me of my ex. if a girl looks at you like this, turn 360 degrees and walk away.
>>85089099>>85089234Sent you a request, three dots.
>>85089362>>85089234Probably heading to sleep now, so if you're still planning to message me feel free to, I'll probably respond in the morning. In case I / you somehow mistyped your user make sure to post it here again / make a new thread with the same title
