something ive thought about a lot recently is why i am even still here. Not as in on 4chan, or on the internet, but as in living still. Like there isnt going to be some great revelation where i suddenly just fix everything at 30. There isnt going to be some timeline where now, NOW everything gets better. To me life has felt like pic related. Where i wander through hoops, thinking, oh, this is it, this is how i finally solve everything, this is how i finally turn my life around and it doesnt get objectively worse. And then in doesnt. And it just gets worse. Things that were once nightmare scenarios ive learned to adapt to, before they got worse too. Each year gets worse, each day becomes less to look forward to. This years ive really started to let things go in my life. Theres sections of my house where the walls are dirty from messes that happened months ago, where the paint is chipping and i dont care. I no longer plan or look to the future. I only live out of obligation. I no longer cry for help, because help just doesnt come or the amount of help that is required is someone basically doing everything for me. No longer is it that no one can help me but help has basically abandoned me out of exhaustion. And furthermore lately any time i try to improve on anything it just ends with me making things even worse. I have no confidence i can do anything myself right. I need someone directing me on everything because i am too stupid to do it. Every time ive tried to improve, its ended in making things worse. So i dont. And it just gets worse for a different reason. With all of this, i wonder, why live. Like why the hell am i still living? Fear of hell? Fear of messing it up? I dont understand it. I feel totally separated from humanity and totally removed from all human experiences that arent pain. I dont even bother to explain this to anyone irl because i know they wouldnt understand it. I just dont understand why i live a life i hate and cant escape.
>>85091218>Like there isnt going to be some great revelation Not religious but it makes me think that Christfags had a point with a whole book written about a Revelation saving them all.>Theres sections of my house where the walls are dirty from messes that happened months ago, where the paint is chipping and i dont care.Just search up how to fix those areas up and don't experiment unless needed, simple fixes. Personally I live for pleasure and fear of messing up suicide, yeah that's about it really. not a great mindset but it's one you may want to consider adopting.>I have no confidence i can do anything myself right. >No longer is it that no one can help me but help has basically abandoned me out of exhaustion.Yeah that won't ever go away unless you are a competent person. If you aren't you are completely fucked.
That sounds horrible and I empathize with you basically feel the same. A real ambivalence towards the worth of my own existence and its continuance. What helps me is clonazepam and frequent lsd use. You take the clonazepam like .5mg just to take the nerves away then take like 3 tabs, it helps me re-enjoy and engage with old music I used to love and now don't. And also just seeing cool things even on youtube. I like to watch mma fights or scroll tiktok. But the actual benefit is like 4 or so hours in where you can become introspective and have a sort of solo therapy/self development session. I often cry, about my life etc, I think it's good to just get some emption out. Maybe find an outlet to express yourself? Even just what your expressing now, just go write it somewhere. It's vulnerable and honest and I read it. Maybe that would help, just some sort of self expression, even if it's just exactly what you're saying now-> an expression of pain and ennui and ambivalence and pessimism
>>85091218I'm trying to cope with lost youthI have no higher goalsI just wanna see how far I could go, how much I can get away with before someone shoots me dead
>>85091218You're depressed. Get on medication or grow your own.Set baby goals for yourself since you can't seem to do basic things.Make a checklist that says like, "Pick up three pieces of garbage" and check it off when you do it. Do that every day for a year and at least your house will be clean.
>>85091218If you're unhappy and don't enjoy your time here you should identify the mistakes that lead you to this point and stop making them.
>>85091218Life is pretty empty. I've resigned to sticking around for a while because suicide would traumatize my older sister and parents.
>>85091798This right here.>It's mistakes from the OP that caused his situation.>It's OP dumbass fault this is his life.Why open up to anybody about anything when they will just kick you while you're down and blame you for everything anyway. Like OP wanted to be in their situation they had no choice. Retarded capitalist karma like that's how the fucking world works. Fuck you.
>>85091218xkcd is an archetypal reddit asshole, i wouldn't let any of his thoughts affect mine
>>85091218>words words words you should feel badImagine being the smug redditor who seethes those images into existence.
>>85092340xkcd invented /r9k/
>>85091218Yeah...I feel you OP, but unfortunately, the body is not only a vehicle for the mind, but a prison as well.It makes sure you keep on living, even if everything hurts and it makes no sense, and it punishes you with pain and the promise of more suffering if you try to escape.I wish there was a biological mechanism to giving up ("Ok, at this point you are not going to spread your genes or improve your species, shutting everything down!"), but I guess it makes no sense for an over-evolved parasite to have one.
>>85092385Wow I relate to everything you said you are exactly correct
>>85092340Even worse, he's a white liberal who now lives in one of the wealthiest areas of the country because he was really, really good at being an archtypical reddit asshole
>>85092346It's not that he influenced me as much as his comic perfectly describes how I feel. The only reason my dreams die is because the person having them is me. Rough nights after rough nights is just a side effect of being me. Rough time periods become normal life.
>>85091798A lot of the mistakes go back decades and are so foundational there really isnt anything I can do. The mistakes keep piling and a lot of them were made just trying to cope with immense loss and social isolation. Everything was done for a reason and a lot of the time that reason is trying to cope with being on the bottom of the social ladder since a very young age. Any time I've slightly gotten ahead it was more a vehicle to just cause more pain and the illusion this is escapable
