There's no single person I can feel in comfort with.I don't have anyone I could reach out for, well, I do, I have people online.But I don't feel comfortable to lay out any of my thoughts or worries.Sometimes I just get angry or depressed over things that are stupid, know are stupid, but I can't let go off them, it's so embarassing and childish.I don't really know what to do, I realy feel like I'll never connect to anyone.People vent to me a lot, a lot of people trust me and call me nice, I don't mind. But I don't ever feel like there's anyone for me.Even though I'm told I'm loved I feel very alone, maybe they make me feel more alone.I feel stupid, and immature. I strongly feel it goes against my personality and values, but my inner emotions sometimes are too strong, and I have nowhere to pour them into, and if I try to express them, it's embarassing and not worth it.Eventually with enough of vents even your friends will see you negatively as "that guy" who complains all the time.I don't realy know what I want or what I am looking for.I just know that hanging out with my friend always let's me down and makes me sad.People just make me sad, even when they don't mean harm. I just always end up feeling left out, silenced or thrown away in some way.I know it's my fault, probably due to unresolved issues from my childhood.I have nothing which I can fix these stupid emotions, all I have is prozac, which I do not know if it's the right pill for these kind of thoughts, they do make it better, I am currently under its influence, even though it should be used for panic attacks, it is as intensive as one, even under an entire pill, I can still feel that ugly disgusting feeling burning in my stomach, it's physical, something is eating me alive. It's ugly, it makes me ugly and I have to hold back and shut up so I don't hurt anybody.I really hate this part of me.That is all, sorry to waste your time /r9k/.
>>85276807Yeah that sucks nigga. Have you tried crying or shouting into your pillow or anything like that?
>>85276835Yeah, I do a lot of these quiet whisper screams, into pillow, cry, it's actually all I tried to do to make this feeling go away before I took prozac, that was my last resort. All of those things seemed to just upset me more.I used to bash my head with fists before when I felt like this, that sounds realy stupid and it is stupid, thankfully I don't do that anymore.I listened to very loud music, pranced around, but I still just felt like shit.Prozac made it slowly fade away and it ate that disgusting feeling, it was still born out of something stupid and meaningless, it is embarassing.I do believe I am better than this, but my head has immature selfish thoughts and desires.Makes me really feel like I am losing control.
>>85276807>sorry to waste your time /r9k/nobody would be using this board if not for wasting time
>>85276865I have a type of eating me alive feeling 24/7, but it's more of a void or black hole that keeps on expanding rather than something 'alive.' It sometimes has qualities of being alive, like migrating around my body or circling around, but that's more like gravity rather than anything else.Did it hurt when you bashed your head with your fists? What music did you listen to? How did you get prozac? Did you discuss these thoughts with the person who prescribed it to you?
>>85276807I have a lot of similar feelings, OP. I get what you mean about not wanting to express emotions. I always feel like people are just humoring me when I do it, like they're letting me speak, but they don't really care. Like they know that I'm below them and that my emotions aren't worth a real response from them. I saw a psychiatrist years ago and they put me on something, though I can't remember what anymore. I never really took it because I was worried about the pills turning me into someone else, but what does that matter if I don't even myself as I am? I don't know about you, but I just keep making the same mistakes. I tell myself that this time is gonna be different and that things will change, but I revert back to my bad habits time and time again. I'm not even sure if I want to fix things. Maybe I am just meant to be this way. I'm disappointed in who I am. I have more in life than I probably deserve and it makes me feel gross and fat and even more worthless than I would if I had nothing.
>>85276807I think there are a couple things you should do:>Figure out the source of the traumaIt took me too long to be reflective about my childhood trauma and accept it, it really hurt my ability to move past it>find a creative outlet for those bottled up emotionsDo something, anything. You don't seem like an oldfag where you cant afford to.>change your environmentMove, travel, vacation, whatever.IDK if any of this will help. All I know is that this is stuff I wish I did before I let things spiral even worse.
>>85276891>Did it hurt? Yeah, it did, it was a thing I started doing when I was like 8 or 9. It was a form of self-punishment, whenever I felt I've done something wrong, I'd myself as much as I could.>What music did you listen to? Stuff like Poison The Well, Converge, etc.>How did you get prozac? It was suggested to me when I rushed myself to hospital, I had a massive panic attack out of nowhere I though to be a heart attack (My dad had a heart attack a few years ago, so I thought my time came up), I have had an access to it ever since.>Did you discuss these thoughts with the person who prescribed it to you?Not quite since it was due to that heart attack scare.>>85276904> I get what you mean about not wanting to express emotions. I always feel like people are just humoring me when I do it, like they're letting me speak, but they don't really care. Like they know that I'm below them and that my emotions aren't worth a real response from them...I am sorry to hear, anon.For me, when I vent, it's just a really, realy uncomfortable experience that just makes me feel like shit and it never feels like I lay down my thoughts as I want to, nothing gets fixed, I don't feel better, I just feel humiliated. >>85276915>Figure out the source of the traumaI was bullied a lot as a kid, always shamed for crying, screamed a lot by parents.Parents always fought, dad was a drunk.One time when he got drunk I had to lock myself in a bathroom and he threatened to kill me while bashing on the doors again and again. as a kid like a retard I ended up in sort of a grooming relationship when I was 14 with some 30 year old dude over the internet for a very long time.>find a creative outlet for those bottled up emotionsI have those, I have made music and now I am writting sort of a story, which is really the main joy of my life right now. But it's hard to get myself to do those things when I feel like this exactly. I have to be in a good mood.Thank you anon.
>>85276807https://vocaroo.com/1mycvhu03Bzy
>>85277181Beatiful, thank you for this anon, that felt nice.
