>>85837512
lots of babies and a happy nuclear family unit with op

>>85837512
Ok cool art, is that yours? The shape language looks familiar

>>85837518
I became the way I am because my parents were exactly the same as I am today. Maybe one day I'll wake up and start beating or molesting our kids. Maybe the next day I'll get so drunk they have to drag me hope and wipe my piss off the floor. They didn't want to be lonely either. After all, they had their darling children to take care of? How can they be lonely? How can they be horrible?

>>85837577
that's enough of that talk from you, opie! we're having lots of children together and fulfilling each other's lives

>>85837555
No. Not sure where it came from, sorry. The use of color and shape is tasteful.
>>85837593
Do you love me? Do you love me? Will you beat me every day? Will you shout at me and starve me and lock me in a cage?

>>85837605
which e girl are you?

>>85837605
>Will you beat me every day? Will you shout at me and starve me and lock me in a cage?
no, I would want you to be equally happy and content in the relationship

>>85837611
It doesnt matter at all. I'm just another one.
>>85837621
You don't get it, and you probably never will. Stay away from people like me.

>>85837645
>You don't get it, and you probably never will. Stay away from people like me.
but... I just wanted us to be a nice couple together. I'm sure you're a very lovely person underneath it all

>>85837668
im not
while you were writing that post i gave myself 30 lashes with my belt to calm myself down. i use a belt because it doesnt leave scars like a knife if you're careful. the reason why you don't understand is because you think there is a deep down. I am soulless in a real sense of the word. Drugs, masochism, sex, things like that are the only way i feel anything at all. I can only sort of become a person by indulging in self-destructive habits. It doesn't matter how much I try to escape it, I am a vessel that was cracked inside the kiln. No matter how much love or affection you try to fill me with, it will spill out onto the floor like trash. If I don't have someone to brutalize me, I do it to myself.

>>85837692
if anything that gave me an even stronger desire to fix you and protect you

>>85837701
If you want to fix me, rape me. If you want to protect me, chain me up. That's really how it is. There's no such thing as happiness, and if there were I'd run away from it to cheat on you. I'm being 100% as honest as I possibly can, to save you from someone who doesn't deserve you.

>>85837747
Damn we love an honest king/queen. Say less. You deserve to be collared, caged up and beaten. Bye whore

>>85837747
well I'm being 100% honest in saying that you deserve to be loved and respected

>>85837692
>while you were writing that post i gave myself 30 lashes with my belt to calm myself down. i use a belt because it doesnt leave scars like a knife if you're careful.
But what if I want to leave scars on you, anon?
What if I want you to act out so I have an excuse to abuse you? To use you? To hurt you?
It's good if you're an empty, cracked, simulacra of a human being because that means I don't have to feel bad about indulging every foul, evil whim on you and your body.

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>>85837932
i hate the fact that you're a bad actor and i'm still this easy to manipulate

>>85838057
I'm not a bad actor, we're just made for one another. We're perfect for one another. I want you so badly, I want to hurt you so badly. It's what you deserve, and I would love you for it.
Would you whip yourself for me?

>>85838429
>Would you whip yourself for me?
Sure. How many times?

>>85838469
What's the most you've ever given yourself without stopping before?
That, plus 10 more.

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>>85838531
I dont keep track so i went with 70

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What's wrong with being an empty, broken person? I feel like it too because of my depression. It makes my life a lot more difficult because I am incapable of sustained effort- holding a job for more than a few months is impossible even on triple dose of zoloft and double of bupropion- buuuut
You dont HAVE to be anything. You can be like a ghost or transparent glass. You are the consiousness and that is enough
eh its a shame bpdemons all want abusechads and not gentle depressed guys like me!

>>85838057

Larp number 1

Larp number 2
>>85838429

>>85838680
>What's wrong with being an empty, broken person? I feel like it too because of my depression.
then you know why too.
>You are the consiousness and that is enough
it's not enough. you know that it isn't too.

>>85838606
Your skin looks beautiful marked like that. You've done good, girl. It would look better if they were my handprints though. You need to be slapped and hit, thrown around and held down. Don't you agree?

>>85838606
>>85838429
Message me. I want to break you, and put you back together, and break you again.

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>>85838742
>it's not enough. you know that it isn't too.
Eh, its an issue because of money, but if I got neetbux I would be happy. Enjoying the weather, nature, books and movies. Maybe even find a similar loser outcast girl and enjoy each other?

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bpdarlings are to be embraced and made to feel safe and appreciaed, not abused!

>>85838761
>>85838809
>You need to be slapped and hit, thrown around and held down. Don't you agree?
yeah ofc but now ive had enough pain that i can think straight a little bit more. it feels nice but i don't feel up for introducing myself to anybody right now. i like to put up a better mask before i meet people, otherwise i start having trouble keeping my lies straight.
>>85838816
>if I got neetbux I would be happy. Enjoying the weather, nature, books and movies.
oh, that's nice. i can't really relate to that feeling then. the nice thing is you can enjoy all those things for free that you listed if you want to.
>>85838847
>bpdarlings are to be embraced and made to feel safe and appreciaed, not abused!
what does feeling safe and appreciated mean? do people actually feel safe when they get closer to one another? if someone got closer to me, that just means that it'll hurt me more when they realize i'm a monster and abandon me. any evidence they aren't gonna do that is just unsettling because it doesn't make sense.

ITT: fat bald men pretending to be cute quirk chungus girls

>>85838932
>the nice thing is you can enjoy all those things for free that you listed if you want to.
Yeah but work is kiiiiling meeee, not just this job but every! How do you manage to put food on the table?
What would you feel if you woke up with no worries or expectations next to your second half, to a day full of freedom to pursue whatever designs may come upon you? You could draw, garden, fish, or stay in bed all day. Why would you feel bad then?
>if someone got closer to me, that just means that it'll hurt me more when they realize i'm a monster
eh we're all very flawed, I am mentally ill myself, how could I look down on a girl with bpd? I am 26 years old, I live in a village with my grandpa, I have no education, relationships and 8 months of work experience total.

Just don't DO evil. You can BE evil, just try not to commit acts you yourself call evil!

>>85838937
it's true. i'm a fat bald man.
>>85838961
>How do you manage to put food on the table?
barely lol
>What would you feel if you woke up with no worries or expectations next to your second half, to a day full of freedom to pursue whatever designs may come upon you? You could draw, garden, fish, or stay in bed all day. Why would you feel bad then?
because i'm an idiot and cannot feel happiness. idk you dont ask like someone with ptsd from war why can't feel happy when they return to life back home. it's kind of the same thing.
>eh we're all very flawed, I am mentally ill myself, how could I look down on a girl with bpd? I am 26 years old, I live in a village with my grandpa, I have no education, relationships and 8 months of work experience total.
we're basically the same then. i'm a shut in from a village too. do you and your grandpa get along well?
>Just don't DO evil. You can BE evil, just try not to commit acts you yourself call evil!
that's why i try to turn all of my abuse inward. i know how horrible of a person i am so i try to keep all my splitting inward facing so I don't hurt other people. the problem is just having really bad changes in personality from mood and end up hurting others. that just gives more fuel to punish myself with. it's a really disgusting coping cycle.

>>85839062
I would kill myself If I couldnt feel happiness... for me, its just that the negative feelings are completely overwhelming ans the positive are slight. But perhaps its because I've never experienced being desired, cherished and loved?
>do you and your grandpa get along well?
We used to. He would give me money and I would buy him whatever he asks for, drive him wherever he wanted to go (graveyards mostly), and I am the only person left who respects him and doesnt talk down to him.

However, his deafness and dementia are getting so bad he can no longer hold a conversation (or his pee in)
Sad story, like all my family
>that's why i try to turn all of my abuse inward.
I wouldn't call it evil though? It's your body and your life, you have the right to throw it away.
Mood control can be improved on at any point in life with meds and therapy, however... I get it, sometimes I feel such absolute despair and hopelessness I can't get out of bed, I just lie there until it passes. It's worse when it happens at work (i work in agriculture with retards and immigrants and they still are better than me lol)
It's an overwhelming, irrational feeling, that makes me unable to contentrate, it makes me dull, every movement is suffering, and I feel a gravity pulling me back to bed
Do you experience other feelings like that? Its only this one for me, its not like sometimes I am on cloud nine or very hopeful at all.

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>>85839119
>I would kill myself If I couldnt feel happiness... for me, its just that the negative feelings are completely overwhelming ans the positive are slight. But perhaps its because I've never experienced being desired, cherished and loved?
i bet you're right. it sounds like happiness is a good possibility for you. i really should kill myself. earlier today i put a knife to my neck and pressed it in to see if it would make me feel afraid or anything at all but it started bleeding and i realized i was really gonna kill myself if i continued and stopped. there really wasn't a good reason to stop going.
>However, his deafness and dementia are getting so bad he can no longer hold a conversation
im sorry anon. dementia is the most horrible thing around. the fact you're bringing him dignity in his last few years still counts for something. people can be really cruel to people with dementia.
>I wouldn't call it evil though? It's your body and your life, you have the right to throw it away.
the problem is, when i turn all my horrible traits inward while still being desperate for attention from other people, I hurt them by hurting myself because people have empathy. it ends up not doing any good at all. if I was less selfish I would make people hate me as fast as possible or die. I'm just a coward.
>It's an overwhelming, irrational feeling, that makes me unable to concentrate, it makes me dull, every movement is suffering, and I feel a gravity pulling me back to bed
yeah, depression is a terrible thing. i hope it gets better for you. i understand that feeling too. it comes and goes, depending on mood fluctuations. the unstable mood honestly makes it easier to deal with than being monotonous i think. hate is a nice break from sadness. do you like agriculture or are you forced into it?

>>85839287
>i bet you're right. it sounds like happiness is a good possibility for you.
Nah, not unless I win the lottery.
Hehe, every time I hurt myself at work I marvel at it, there are so many machines to get mulched in <3
>people can be really cruel to people with dementia.
Yeah, I know I am a charming and sympathetic person, I thought about working in a nursing home but- being around the images, sounds, stench of death, decay, hopelessness- I would kms for real
>I hurt them by hurting myself because people have empathy.
eh. I don't think life and health have value on their own. So I dont think its bad for anyone to hurt/kill themselves.
I am not saying you should do it, you should try a bit harder to feel some happiness, but if things really become hopeless.... there is a point at which continuing to live is sensless and irrational
>hate is a nice break from sadness
Anon... I think there's some hate i my despair too. I reject the world, I do really hate it, I wish I was never born, or I could extinguish the animal kingdom with our pain receptors.
Do you remember a time your mood was explosively happy though?
>do you like agriculture or are you forced into it?
I love gardening and plants, yes. But any task can be made tidious, painful, stressful and generally unpleasant. And the profit motive dictates that only bussinesses who squeeze the last drop of sweat out of their employees survive.

>>85839358
>every time I hurt myself at work I marvel at it, there are so many machines to get mulched in <3
yeah, industrial machinery can be pretty hellish.
>I would kms for real
probably for the best you arent dong that then
>there is a point at which continuing to live is sensless and irrational
i guess so. you're right.
>I reject the world, I do really hate it
i can't bring myself to hate it. it isn't the world's fault that humans can be bad. there's nothing I should blame but myself. sometimes the world looks really beautiful. we were given nature, we're the ones that invented parking lots.
>Do you remember a time your mood was explosively happy though?
i don't really know. my memory shifts with my emotional state, so i forget things that happen when my mood changes, even if they were recent. its impossible to keep thoughts organized because they're always shifting from one thing to another. it's all just one big haze from one thing to another.
>But any task can be made tidious, painful, stressful and generally unpleasant
sorry about that. i hope you have to ability to garden for yourself at least.

>>85839465
>i can't bring myself to hate it.
Okay, let me rephrase. I love the world, I hate consciousness. Animals suffer a fuckton too, you know? And they arent at all equiped to deal with it.
>there's nothing I should blame but myself
that's silly, you should blame god, your genes, your parents, your growing environment, the lack of medical attention you received etc
we are all victims of circumstance
>its impossible to keep thoughts organized because they're always shifting from one thing to another. it's all just one big haze from one thing to another.
You should keep a diary!
>i hope you have to ability to garden for yourself at least.
Yeah but winter has come. I have some last things to do (like digging up dahlias) but then its gonna be snow and frost for 3 months. Worst months of the year.

>>85839521
>Animals suffer a fuckton too, you know? And they arent at all equiped to deal with it.
we're not= different from the animals. who says we know better?
>we are all victims of circumstance
i can't blame external things or else i become pathologically evil. everything is just done for the sake of self control.
>You should keep a diary!
ive tried that but when I read it back I don't recognize the person that wrote it. it might as well be a total stranger. being forced to recognize just how unstble my mental state is only makes me more uncomfortable.
>Worst months of the year.
sorry about that. hope you get some nice stuff to plant next spring. for now, maybe you can use the time to go for walks or relax another way instead?

>>85839560
>we're not= different from the animals. who says we know better?
I mean that my gripe with the world is the lack of agency. You are thrust into it against your will, and things just happen to you- your parents, country of origin, illnesses, aging, people you meet. Its all so hopeless.
>i can't blame external things
You totally can and should! It's healthier than self-hate!
>ive tried that but when I read it back I don't recognize the person that wrote it. it might as well be a total stranger. being forced to recognize just how unstble my mental state is only makes me more uncomfortable.
Perhaps you could heal yourself if you didnt keep running away from what makes you uncomfortable
(haha, I say as I have been running away and hiding my whole life)
>maybe you can use the time to go for walks or relax another way instead?
I try to watch movies to pass time after my shift and before I fall asleep. I do really lack activities that would make getting up each day worth living. What do you do?

>>85839598
>Perhaps you could heal yourself if you didnt keep running away from what makes you uncomfortable
i don't think so. it's not as though i've spent all this time running away. it's not easy to change. staring down problems doesnt make them go away.
>I do really lack activities that would make getting up each day worth living. What do you do?
maybe you can pick something up. i spend a lot of my free time talking to people online. most of the rest of my time is spent on entertainment and stuff. it's not very exciting to talk about. i read and watch tv and go for walks, mostly. i wrote a book last week but it sucks so i quit

>>85839704
>staring down problems doesnt make them go away.
It can help you stay consistant. Or at least be a memory aid. You can write to future yourself little notes like "you love this guy" or "please don't quit your job"
I legit treat my past and future selves like different people, I have on my phone little motivational sentences I wrote down myself like "don't take it too seriously" "do not be afraid, you can only gain by trying things" etc
>i spend a lot of my free time talking to people online
Yeah but to whom? I am a lonely depressed male in some godforsaken village. It's not like people desire to talk to me. I tried befriending some girl but she ended up not asking me any questions and answering with 1 word replies.

okay, i feel like im about to fall asleep. I am looking forward to your future threads, op, so you're not useless or irredemable! Maybe start using pictures like ame-chan or some other character.

>>85839723
>You can write to future yourself little notes like "you love this guy" or "please don't quit your job"
i would never trust myself i'm an idiot.
>Yeah but to whom?
just like different groups of people ive met over the years. dont know a good way to describe it.
>It's not like people desire to talk to me.
maybe you can surprise yourself by reaching out. a lot of people are lonely and just have 0 initiative. they just need a little structure to open up.
>>85839735
goodnight