DND Myth: Thiefs can pick locks!History: Locks were huge wooden bolts you lifted with a key the size of your foot. 'Lockpicking' was called 'fetching a big log and ramming the door.' The only thief tool is Axe.DND Myth: Everyone talks English!History: Distances were so big in Medieval Europe that you got to the next town, they would be talking literally a different language.DND Myth: Taverns and inns existed!History: They didn't, there were only Alehouses (women became Alewives) and you had to beg to sleep in someone's house.DND Myth: Literally everyone ate potatoes, corn, tomatoes, and burgers!History: No, those are all from the New World, which never got discovered.DND Myth: Literally everything is clean!History: Peasants had water for a bath only 1x per year. This is 'Bath Day' and it's where we get 'Birth Day' from. The water became so dark it's easy for the baby to get lost in it, this is why we say 'throw the baby out with the bath water.'DND Myth: Cities are great!History: Cities were literally shit, they had rivers of shit flowing down them and people named Gong Farmers would go to collect shit.DND Myth: Literally everyone loves Adventurers!History: Mercenaries were universally hated, they were literally outlaws and hunted down.DND Myth: Literally everyone uses swords!History: Swords were never used on the battlefield in Medieval Europe, they were only signal tools and symbols of God because they were shaped like Crosses.DND Myth: Literally everyone loves Tieflings!History: Literally every peasant knows exactly what a Demon looks like, this is the first thing teached in Sunday School.DND Myth: Magic is literally energy!History: Magic is never ever ever Energy, historically magic was ALWAYS Curses on tablets to God, go look up Curse Tables.DND Myth: Literally everyone loves Wizards!History: Literally everyone hates Magic Users, the Catholic Church has a elite army of witch hunters who use the Malleus Maleficorum to hunt Witches.
>>98398062it's ok anon, everyone has this initial dunning-kruger phasekeep reading and you'll get over it eventually
>>98398062D&D has never been "Medieval Fantasy". It's always been silver age comics and pulp novella fantasy with a thin veneer of late medieval/early renaissance aesthetics.
>>98398062I'm a historian who specializes in the late middle ages and >>98398073 is right. I encourage you to read more.
>>98398062The best one was > 'Bath Day' and it's where we get 'Birth Day' from.but that's not saying much because the rest were very meh.On a subtle note, Malleus Maleficorum was only used by nobles, not by the Church. Since it was only written in 1486 and only adopted by them well after that there would be New World knowledge. The rest are just too obvious. You can do better.>>98398073woosh>>98398160woosh againThe fucker says birthday come from bath day. The whole thing is satire, not good satire but still obviously fucking satire.
>>98398062It's okay anon, I laughed at your shitpost.
>>98398179How do we KNOW it is not OP who is wooshed? I refuse to believe the depths of stupidity I have dealt with on this site are JUST trolling, remotely sane people do not go at some of that shit for MONTHS.
>>98398062>The water became so dark it's easy for the baby to get lost in it, this is why we say 'throw the baby out with the bath water.'Ok, that one was pretty funny, B+ for effort.
>>98398179>wooshgb2 reddit
>>98398062This is funny bait, I kek'ed
>>98398179>no, OP is only pretending to be retardedNo, OP only thinks he's pretending.
>>98398160All metal warded locks were first popularized during the the medieval period.Inns were established by the Romans with the Tabard being built in 1307. Monasteries and abbeys also took in travelers.Bath and Birth are etymologically unrelated.Swords became a symbol of God because of how powerful and expensive they were. People wanted to ban the export of the Ulfberht swords because they didn't want vikings to use them.The Malleus Maleficorum was condemned by the Inquisition with the Catholic Church stating witches don't exist since magic is real.
>>98398062TG myth: OP has a rich social life with plenty of women in his social circle History: OP is known to have a Grindr account where he promises to suck the dicks of anyone who can tolerate his presence for more than 10 minutes. Many have tried, all have failed.
History: OP had water for a bath only 1x per year. The water became so dark it's easy for OP to get lost in it, this is why we say 'drown OP in his own liquid shit.'
>>98398062DnD Myth: There is no law.History: Yes, there actually is law.DnD Myth: Every animal can and will attempt to kill and eat you. Every single one.History: Animals generally attempt to tell you to just fuck off, predators are the minority of all species, animals who actively hunt humans are even rarer.
>>98398062You're still a moron.
>>98398062>History: Literally every peasant knows exactly what a Demon looks like, this is the first thing teached in Sunday School.Yeah, like this lol
>>98398062D&D was conceived as the American Wild West with 1200s-1600s technology, 1000s-1100s government, and monster in every cave, not a medieval history simulator.
>>98400023You didn't need to post a pic of tieflings to prove your point anon.
>>98398062>knight in full armorstill missing the pauldrons and the sabatons
>>98400850Isn't sabaton a band
>>98398179>The fucker says birthday come from bath day.Doesn't it though?
>>98398088Gygax seemed to like the idea.I do agree it's retarded as fuck, tough.
>>98398062>History: Peasants had water for a bath only 1x per year. This is 'Bath Day' and it's where we get 'Birth Day' from. The water became so dark it's easy for the baby to get lost in it, this is why we say 'throw the baby out with the bath water.'I don't think this is true because a nigga could just..... go to the river and bathe.
>>98402066No, the rivers were full of shit all the time, like the comment on cities says. Giant herds of pigs were stationed by the river upstream to constantly shit into all the rivers.
>>98400883And Gauntlet is a videogame.And Helmet is a band.You're on the internet, dumbo, do a word search.
>>98400023Those are literally Thieflings though...
>>98398062Vikings were taking a bath every Saturday
ALL games are make believe. See I made your point with less words.
>>98398062This is fact checked and approved by my local lord, who knows how to read, allegedly
>>98400850He has spaulders and since he has mail underneath that gives some complementary protection, maybe I agree about the sabatons though
>>98398062>Curses on tabletsthat's cool, I didnt know that before
>>98398062You put some effort into this so here's your (you).
>>98398062I can't tell if you're being retarded on purpose are you though you cooked. First of all everything you said is so well know it went all the way to pop culture, and second since your source is pop culture you're acting as if the whole of Europe was a single unit.>lockscomplex locking mechanisms exist since before christ>there is no universal languagethere's lingua franca, which is what Gygax had in mind with common>Tavernsextremely common in pilgrimage and commercial routes, I don't know where you got the idea they didn't exist>dietCorn and tomatoes are not part of the cliche fantasy, potatoes were incorporated so fast you could just pretend they were always there because to most villagers after 1500 it felt that way>cleanyeah yeah, game of thrones, this isn't new>City filthMuslim cities had free water all around the city because you have to wash yourself before prayer, roman aqueducts were one of their iconic buildings and a lot are still standing>Mercenaries are hatedNot in every period, during internal conflicts some groups, like the swiss, were much less agressive in their pillaging. In general mercenaries were nicer invaders than armies. Adventurers aren't mercenaries, tho, they are closer to wandering hobos that tell everyone they are the best, what WH Fantasy calles Protagonists. A relatively universal concept, see Musashi Miyamoto in Japan. >swordsSwords were extremely popular in more paceful periods, there are a dozen books about sword techniques. It was more of a dueling weapon tho. It can't compete with a lance or a warhammer.>how a demon looksThe vatican had little control on what priests far away taught, demons looked like whatever folk horror already existed. The Pan version of a demon is very italian because it demonizes the previous culture.>Historical magicit doesn't exist, dumbass, it's magic>Everyone hates WizardsYes, the myth of Merlin is about an evil doer ruining England, sure.
>>98398062>>98405244I'm no medieval expert, and I know of course of most of these pop culture tropes, but I've also noticed that everytime they talk about any of the typical negative aspects of middle ages, turns out to be referring mostly to English sources, kind of makes you think that all the Victorian-era myths about the middle ages was them realizing that Britain was a backwards shithole compared to the rest of Europe and started generalized as a way to avoid further embarrassing
>>98398062>from the New World, which never got discoveredkek
>>98398062> Everyone talks English!Personally I enforce the use of Latin around my tables.
>History: Different kinds of prostitute>DND: Only one kind of prostitute
>You all meet in the tavern of an isolated village. It's seven in the morning, and everyone is having their breakfast.>You see in the corner a young man in studded leather chatting animatedly with an older woman in heavy armor.>A young woman lets out a cheer as she beats a man of the same age in an arm wrestle. He wears a suit of gleaming gothic half-plate, while she wears a hauberk and gambeson. After the contest has ended, the pair enjoy a hearty meal of turkey and maize together.>An old man wearing a ragged cloak over equally ragged clothes nurses a cooling cup of coffee while watching their antics, stirring in a spoonful of sugar after an exploratory taste.>A woman sat on a stool by the bar takes in one last drag of her cigarette before she stubs it out in an ashtray. With that out of the way, she tucks into a pumpkin pie that is waiting for her.>A man with dark skin pays for his meal with several unfamiliar coins, before brushing past you on his way out the door. He wears a vest made of soft leather over a loose cotton shirt, and has a long sword in a sheath strapped to his back, ready to be drawn at any moment.>A young girl greets you animatedly and offers you menus. She asks if any of you were interested in buying some of the potato and rabbit stew that is currently cooking, or if you'd like rooms for the night.
>>98398062>History: Swords were never used on the battlefield in Medieval Europe, they were only signal tools and symbols of God because they were shaped like Crosses.lmfao ok bud
>>98405244Taverns and Inns did NOT exist in Medieval Europe, there were only Alehouses.
>>98398088I mean, the first iteration of D&D was literally just a monster-mash from the favorite horror movies Arneson watched on late night television. There was barely any medieval history or theming involved. Gygax introduced most of the medieval shit later.
>>98398062>History: Swords were never used on the battlefield in Medieval Europe, they were only signal tools and symbols of God because they were shaped like Crosses.Fucking stupid, or just trolling?
>>98405583nonsense
>>98398062There are healthier ways to get attention, anon.
>>98405692An alehouse is a tavern, retard.
>>98398062WoD myths vs Real lifeWoD Myth: Vampires exist!Reality: Vampires do not exist.WoD Myth: Werewolves exist!Reality: Werewolves do not exist.WoD Myth: Magic exist!Reality: Magic and the planes of magic do not exist.WoD myth: Changelings and the True Fey exist and the later prey upon humanity.Reality: Changelings and fey do not exist.> In case you struggle picking up what I am putting down.If I play a fucking Wizard/Cleric praying to Wee Jas, Lawful goddess of Death and Magic, your "myths" and "history" are meaningless.Heck, your stance is so retarded I find myself defending DnD of all things.
>>98405867Braunstein wasn't the first iteration of D&D. It was one of the inspirations for it.
>>98406686>Reality: Vampires do not exist.Jews and Hollywood actors eat children and drink their blood to live longer and look younger, respectively.>Reality: Magic and the planes of magic do not exist.Wrong.>Reality: Changelings and fey do not exist.Wrong.
>>98406686Twilight 2000 myths: humanity would survive a global nuclear WWIII
>>98402452The pigs practiced a rotational system to guarantee constant shit. Quite organized!
>>98404019They why isn't it called Bathurday?
>>98406623We have to go back.
>>98398062Tone it down if you want to ragebait
>>98400023Those are what tieflings should look like. Tiefling players should have to roll for features like in the old days>You rolled a 72, which means your elbows are dogs' heads and your hands are purple, clawed tongues protruding from their mouths. Oh, and you have a jew nose
>>98407148It is in the scandinavian languages, but since anglos were all filthy that's the only day of the week in english that isn't based on the norse name.>>98405579Based and Ars Magica pilled.
>>98398062Sources on this please? And what about places like China, Japan, etc.?
>>98405692I know there's a fair amount of bait in this thread, but I feel the need to spread some historical information. Alehouses, inns, and taverns were all a thing in medieval Europe:>AlehouseLocal housewife makes too much ale. She ties two crossed branches (or brooms) above her door and the local neighborhood/village all come around with drinking vessels and buy the ale, drinking it on the spot. Any household could be an alehouse and they weren't a permanent business. You'd most likely find these in small villages.>InnA reputable establishment which provides food and board as services. Travellers could splash out for space in a bed or pay a couple of coppers to stay in the common room. Inns were also considered neutral meeting grounds across social classes, so business would be conducted there. Towards the end of the medieval era, lawyers would buy or rent the upstairs rooms and conduct business in the inn downstairs. A bunch of really old law firms in England reference being located at inns. You'd most likely find these in cities, but a village along a busy road might have one.>TavernThis is the closest to the modern day pub or bar. One thing D&D gets right is starting adventures or campaigns in a tavern because there was very little class distinction for a tavern's patronage, so it makes sense that everyone would be there. A bishop and a beggar could drink gamble at the same table. A small village probably wouldn't have a tavern, but it's not unheard of.Basically, alehouses were quietly regulated out of existence and replaced with "public houses" when laws were made defining what all three of these kinds of establishments were. "Inn" and "Tavern" are pretty much inter-changeable terms for a pub in contemporary English. While I'm at it, these kinds of establishments having a bar wasn't a thing until the late 1700's. Imagine your inns and taverns as having a more open-plan floor.
>>98411573>there's a fair amount of bait in this threaIt's entirely bait, anon.
>>98409689>China>Japanaren't they the same oriental places?>>98407096everything for the mudcore!
>>98406686/x/ taught me that all those things exist and that's why I should write letter simping to succubus to get protection
>>98398062>History: Peasants had water for a bath only 1x per year.Medieval peasants in England and France considered it a right to bath every day. Can't work that hard and fall asleep filthy.
>>98398062>ctrl+f >"local lord">1 resultWhat the fuck has happened to this board?
>>98398062OP Myth: He isn't getting a greasy pepperoni fart ripped in his face.OP fact:
