ive spent the past 15 years masturbating and being sad on the computer, i have subpar verbal and nonverbal reasoning (clinical assessment), my amygdala is hyperactive and i have mild frontal lobe damage (brain scan), i've spent the past 6 years blasting my brain with highly potent THC doses almost daily, i'm short, i have bad skin, i haven't felt well rested in 5 years, i have $15 in my checking account, i don't have any skills including basic ones like knowing to drive a car, my friends are gone, family is mired in conflict and resentment my mother literally smokes weed and cigarettes indoors around her two new children all day and i ruined thanksgiving by calling it out and im now alienated from half of my white trash family, my dad is chronically alone and told me he considers suicide a lot, i don't harbor any specific dreams or ambitions i can't manifest complex ideas or plans in my head, im so underweight you can see all my ribs, i am clinically diagnosed with autism, CPTSD, ADHD, OCD, and major depression. i live in america and not Haiti or something and i have a clean record, so that's kind of good

im genuinely, unironically, bewildered by emotional defeat. i am not joking at all when i say that i don't know what to do with my life except work up the nerve to maybe end it before it gets any worse. my life is such a multi layered shit storm that i don't even know if i have the essential clarity to articulate this in its entirety to a therapist. can't just join the army either