I know you may hear "People care about you" or "it will get better" and 988 and it's all very common, and people post these things during suicide prevention month and stuff.But I understand that though there aren't bad things to say, they don't really help, do they?I've been Suicidal, and to some extent I'm still every now and then thinking about it during my recovery as a person.People want to kill themselves for different reasons, and if you or someone you know is struggling, it may be reassuring to here my story to know, your not alone in this, and when I say your not alone in this, I do not wish to give the same careless energy posters at school give out, I'm speaking from my heart, many others have felt and would understand what your going through. So now I will tell my story. (Yes I know I didn't format it well as it's very long and I had to change things in really weird ways but it shouldn't be too bad)---------------------------------------MY STORY--------------------------------------->Be me>live in the woods>live with my cousins for 4 years now since I was 6>life is poor and dirty here, but it's fun, and I play outside everyday>move out>10 years old >live in poverty>sometimes there isn't food>no clean fridge water>your life is nothing but random school friends and a PlayStation 4>this to you, is how everyone livesDuring this time in my life, I can't remember it super well, because of how traumatizing it was for me.I do remember>Getting pulled across the floor by my thick hair crying and screaming>Being hungry enough to search for raw foods, the couch, or even drink spoiled milk>being yelled at and screamed at and crying every weak, at the peak around 4 times a weekAt this time, I lived in an apartment, a dirty crappy one.With my mom and uncle.I had never grew up really knowing my dador washing my clothesor learning basic human things
My dad died in 2024, 2 days before Christmas, a year and a half ago from this post. I never got to seriously hangout or know him, but I had visited him a few times. I loved my dad, he was a lot like me, he was a web design engineer who made a shit ton of money.growing up I would visit my grandma every weekend, she was always worried about my living condition>your now 13>forced to move to Las Vegas by your mom and uncle because it's cheaper than Washington somehow>live with your grandma for 4 months before moving>have a mental breakdown on the way to the airport>passive aggressively ignore your mom the entire trip to the apartment>forced into an even worse, smaller apartment that smells horrible>worst night of your life, you cannot stop crying>your crush texts you, you two always stared at each other mutually in class and passing (new character now, I know i'm not a good writer)>you talk for hours that night>talk about your situation the next day>hug (through the phone ig over text)>become super great friends and text all the time, everyday, about everything>your insecure, she ends up getting a boyfriend and then another, this was a problem to you mentally, atleast at the time>fight and argue with her but eventually you and her get over it>Your grandma gets in contact with you, and eventually your mom after pressure and arguing and physical fights lets you go to your grandmas to live with her> you live with your grandma, get welcomed, new rules, new environment, food, water, all of it guaranteed, for the first time.>Meet that girl in person again after a year, talk to them and meet very morning, and talk very period, and do tons of projects together>their mom overhears your voice all the time due to how much video games you play with her>their mom gets to know you>your invited over
>first hangout completely successful, amazing.>go to a sleepover next>amazing, super fun>their mom dose not trust you yet>forces you to sleep on different Couche and chair from each other>next sleepover, their mom INSISTS on you two sleeping with the couch cushions on the floor together, and leaves you two alone in the hot tube>you come over nearly every weekend>best part of your week>make mountains of memories>She was basically my sister, she never grew up with her dad either, was an only child just like you, and just like you grew up with mainly her mom and cousins when she was little, she had anxiety and insecurities and cut herself just like you.>You cared for her like your sister, you had never had a sister, but if you did, this is how you would treat them.>Hug them before leaving each time>Always be there even during the worst times in their self harm (boob cuts, 1 month relapsing, tell them your proud of their progress)>Play with their hair>Cuddle.. :3>send each other gifts>lease your PlayStation 5 and play with them
But.I was insecure, hormonal. She wanted to change, and become a different person.She wanted to become Lesbian and date this girl at schooland become friends with another girl she's been thinking about since elementaryThis makes you extremely insecureScared to lose what you built.so you do what's "Logical" and abandon them.the last thing her mom really told me was that she has trauma from abandonment related to her dadI regretted what I did intensely and tried to fix itI couldn't.
It still plays in my head.It was a long time ago.I'm in high school now.there's a handful of times I just imagine she's with me, at my house, hanging out, I talk to her in my head.I had no real friends but her, only she could understand me.I had become severely depressed.I had started to hurt myself again, and at one point cuss her out over the phone.that was the closest thing I had to real family, real non abusive family.I still make eye contact with her in class sometimes, sometimes her gaze says; "Hi" but's its normally passive aggressive or judging.Was I the asshole? Yes absolutely, it's not a question. She would later report via anonymous tipping about my own self harm as I warned that if she texted me after those events I was cut myself more, I know this because the only person who knew at the time was her. Sometimes I wish I could talk to her a last time, sometimes I imagine her reading this from my own side.---------------------------------------MY STORY---------------------------------------Why am I posting this bloat?I was alone. No friends, just family I tried ignoring and staying in my room, I felt disgusting, all the words m mom called me would echo back to me, living off crap for food, I had basically given up, and eventually seriously planned and considered and thought through, my highly detailed, 2 suicide plans.is my depression and story the actual worst? Likely not, I know a person who had gone through similarish stuff like me and did drugs unlike me.I'm an extremely caring person, and I want you to know things really do get better, even if it takes years, it's worth it, always, feel free to talk to me anon.
>>141937>>141938>>141939>>141940>>141941@grokape9k summarize this
