https://youtu.be/qfncPk-iT4wNever mind the bullocks, I’ll be quick. Living comes easy when you’re a high-end security guard… but I’m not.I’m a social engineer. So, life comes to me even easier because I pretend to be a security guard and walk into wherever I want, stealing what I want. Sometimes it’s items, sometimes it’s knowledge, and sometimes… it’s both. And that’s exactly what I got that one time when I dropped into Fox Studios of New York, New York unexpected. Box of donuts, dressed up as a janitor, great big ol’ shit-eating grin on my face (I don’t actually eat shit, nor donuts, for that matter), and they let me into the backroom. The server room. But I wasn’t after servers. I didn’t care about hacking their Internet or fudging with their HVAC system. I wanted a rumour that bothered me as a fan to be either confirmed or denied. I needed answers. Black or white, no shades of gray. Speaking of black—or, really, brown—a voice actor who played a certain mustached Family Guy character gave me an answer one day while I was cleaning out his wastebasket. Yes, there was a long lost flashback that was originally going to be released inside of a Family Guy episode—going off the clues he dropped, it sounded like the one called ‘Petarded’, in which Peter takes an IQ test to see if he’s a genius but his results come back rather low on the IQ scale—but the network wouldn’t have it.
You might wonder why that surprised me. Doesn’t Family Guy allow for anything? There’s bloodied corpses, domestic violence, various forms of r*pe and sexual assault… I guess that’s all I need to say, but yeah, for some reason, this particular act of censorship did bother me, and it stuck in my craw like an OCD fellow picking out his least favourite flavour of M&Ms and/or skittles out of the candy dish. Imagine if you mixed them both. Mandittles. Skimandms. Whatever. I guess the exact word doesn’t matter. Unless you’re OCD. And on this matter, I was… and even after getting my answers, still am.I gained access to the tape reel room, and I stole it. Won’t say how, but I learned that it was *the* reel—the one with the abandoned flashback scene on it, and nothing but. I wasn’t high enough on the ‘food chain’, so to speak, to bypass the security measures that allowed you to sneak off the premises with the reel, so I snuck it into a room with a projector and I watched it, realizing I was risking a jail sentence not just for the theft, but for impersonating a Fox employee. I shook in anticipation, but in hindsight, I should have been spasming in terror after I got the reel, regrettably, up and rolling.
“Peter, I think Lois is really mad this time.”, Brian the superintelligent but sociopolitically naive family dog dryly remarked to Peter. Despite being a dog, he talked casually and with sophistication and drank martinis. That was supposed to be funny. “Oh, come on Brian. It can’t be any worse than that time I played sandlot basketball with Wilt the Stilt.” I could feel the smile spread from ear to ear and my pupils dilate in, yes, anticipation… oh, what a fool I was. Whenever Peter Griffin says something like what he just said, it’s a setup for one of those timeless flashbacks, like when Time for Timer sings the “Hanker for a Hunk of Cheese” song in Peter’s apartment just to reveal that he smoked a whole lot of crack, or something about sucking a famous female celebrity’s breast milk (I forget how that one goes).The flashback began. Peter Griffin could be seen walking to an urban basketball court, side-by-side with Philadelphia Warriors and 76ers legend Wilt ‘The Stilt’ Chamberlain (a nickname that Wilt did not much care for, in real life). Peter was wearing a basketball tank top with a logo on it resembling Ernie the Giant Chicken’s head. He was the foul-mouthed fowl that he is known to fight for… I forget why. Family Guy jokes usually aren’t worth remembering vividly. “Gee, Wilt the Stilt, it sure was nice for you to invite me a game of pick-up basketball!” “Don’t mention it, Peter.” Then, for no reason, something horribly stupid and disappointing happened. Wilt Chamberlain turned into a seven foot tall… stilt. And he stood there. And the frame more-or-less stayed still, other than that Peter blinked his eyes. Again and again. For half a minute. And then… the film ended.
>>42618705peter if he real
Oh, bloody heck. What a waste! I risked prison time for THIS? I smashed my head against the desk I was sitting at repeatedly, not caring in the moment whether I got caught or what. But then… as it turned out, the film actually wasn’t over yet, but the going-to-static-and-then-gray had been nothing more than an elaborate ruse, perhaps to ward off people like me who gained unauthorized access to the film.So, yes. It was then that I saw it. And my life was, more or less… ruined forever.The scene resumed. Brian blinked at Peter for a half a minute and then he vomited out his martini. It looked like green nickelodeon slime, but I didn’t think much of it. Once Brian was done puking out his guts through his canine incisors, Peter began to speak something… unsettling. “Brian.” Peter paused, but just a typical conversational pause when you’re about to say something thoughtful. “My life was over ever since I…” Brian’s eyes widened like he does every time he’s in fear for his life. “Don’t say it, Peter!”, he yelled. “No, Brian, I…” “Peter. If you say it. It’s going to ruin all those years of therapy you forced yourself through. Lois thought the world of you for conquering those demons. And the kids. Even Stewie, and you know the vile crap that comes out of that kid’s mouth that we pretended for years that we couldn’t actually hear.” “Brian…” Oh, no. Peter was going to say it. Whatever ‘it’ was.“… this is even worse than that time that I…”
I leapt back in my chair and nearly hit the freaking wall behind me, and it must have been a foot or two away from me, at least. There was a freaking screamer jumpscare of that famous ‘The Scream’ painting, along with a buzzingly loud piano or organ chord, as if played through a filter that only enhanced noise damage rather than reduced it. But that was nothing. I don’t think it was a troll job. I think it was intended to… prepare me.Peter was sobbing at Lois’s bed side. She was in a hospital gown. Judging by the design of the walls and the doctor and nurse stuff on the table, yes, it clearly was a hospital. “The drugs didn’t work, Petah.”, Lois stated in a defeated tone of voice, as if she reached the ‘acceptance’ stage of the five steps of grief and dying. “Let me see the x-rays.” Peter was… sobbing. “I deserve to.” The doctor—the usual guy with the black comb mustache—handed Peter some sheets. The footage revealed them to be Stewie’s skull.“I don’t know how to tell you this, but the fetus termination pills just elongated your child’s head in a freakish, horizontal… oblong shape, somehow.” The doctor informed the gloomy cartoon couple. “He’ll live, but he’ll be teased heavily. All of the other children, and some immature adults too, will taunt him and call him a FREAK.” “Like you just said.”, Lois casually remarked. “Like I just said.” The doctor dipped a plastic spoon or fork—I couldn’t really tell—into a can of alpo dog food and began to eat it. “That isn’t funny.”, Peter remarked. “I know.”, the doctor seemingly reflexively replied.
That wasn’t too different from a usual Family Guy episode, but the next part wasn’t. There were… I don’t know how to say it, but spiders. Lots of them. Dark, gothic, all the eyes, and there’s something about the way the real-life nature film snippets of them scurried around the hospital cartoon room. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part… is that they were frantically escaping from Lois’s vagina. I did not want to look at Lois Griffin’s cartoon vagina. But… I couldn’t turn away from the film. “Oh, that’s what we call prebirth. It’s kind of like after-birth, but before the birth.” One of the spiders suddenly grew the size of Dr. Hartman and ate him whole, like Joey Chestnut at a sportstalk radio hot dog eating contest. I threw up. The spiders transitioned into Halloween cartoon spiders, and I guess that was supposed to lighten up the mood, as they wore little straw boater hats and began to sing like a barbershop quartet, except that there were hundreds of them, at least. They snapped their fingers and started to sing.“You failed as a father/oh/You failed as a man/oh, oh, oh/You fail as a comic/Your memory’s bad/oh, oh, oh, oh/Give it five seconds/You will start to forget/oh, oh, oh, oh/Except for your conscience/You poisoned your kid/Oh, oh oh oh”. Peter put his head in his hands and sobbed. Not the overdramatic cartoon crap you sometimes see in Family Guy where he convulses like a little girl. It broke me.“Did you hear that singing?”, Peter managed to squeak out. “No, Mr. Griffin. But I’ve had enough patients to know that this is the beginning of your hallucinations.”
The scene faded back to Peter and Brian. “And that’s why you have all the flashbacks, Peter.” “And that’s why I have all the flashbacks, Brian. We act like I always had them. But I… didn’t.” A single tear drop fell from Brian Griffin’s eye. “I guess this is goodbye, old friend.” Peter sobbed again, though this time in the present. “It’s time that we… part ways, Brian.”Peter left the house and began walking down the road. He became an itinerant bum, traveling the country, but clearly poor and beaten up. His cheeks were torn, hair frayed, patchy, with bald spots. Shots of the Griffin household were shown rotting into the ground, but in claymation as the sky turned red as if it was Martian or a post-apocalyptic world, or something. No zombies, skeletons, anything corny like that. Eventually, the house just looked… burnt down. I don’t know how I could tell this, I guess the Martian-looking mountainous terrain in the background, but I could tell that the air was unbreathable. I hate to say it, but I think I saw a swastika carved into the bedrock, but that might have been a coincidence and a shape that just happened to form organically.
Why did this scene bother me the way that it did, when Family Guy had so much of this chaos and nonsense and pushing the envelope already in it? I don’t know. It might have been because of the dramatic pacing, the lack of a punchline, and the lack of a transition back to something lighter-hearted.That was when the reel actually ended. I wanted to set it on fire, but I decided I’d rather just not go to prison over something like that. I put it back in its canister and never returned. Nobody followed me or anything, so I guess they never figured out what I had done. I had disabled part of the security system anyway, so maybe that was enough. Of course, if they recognize my voice, I guess I’m going to jail. But it’s worth it. I just can’t live with all of this on my chest without telling another soul anymore. I guess this is my therapy, just like Peter had his.I don’t care if you watch Family Guy. It’s your life. But anytime I see any of it… anywhere… in any form… cartoon or not, I can feel my eyes beginning to tear up.
>>42618713> —haha, silly /lit/bot almost got me
>>42618705
