“SpongeBob! I’m joining the army!”. SpongeBob’s eyes were inorganically wide, wider than a hospital patient on ‘My 600 Pound Life’. SpongeBob was sweating bullets. Literal bullets. He was foaming at the mouth with gun powder and a fuse was protruding from his anus, sparking down into his butthole as if his intestinal tract were about to explode. Did he even know he was in mortal danger? “SpongeBob! I’m joining the army!”, Squidward screamed again. SpongeBob just stared at him, in an eery silence… but that wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part… is that Patrick Star, SpongeBob’s bestest friend in the whole wide world, could be seen peeking through SpongeBob’s pineapple house window, giving a seig heil and spinning a fidget spinner swastika in front of his inorganically pink fat ass face. Mushroom spores were popping out of his mouth. He probably had a fungal infection. That would explain why his skin was always so pink.

“SpongeBob! I’m joining the army!”. SpongeBob slammed the door on Squidward’s face. Patrick chuckled a sinister cackle and, to my shock and awe, he produced Squidward’s clarinet out of his pants pocket and began to play it. It was a horrible, discordant, horrifically out of tune rendition of “Das Lied der Deutschen”, the German National Anthem! Patrick went back to chuckling as Gary, SpongeBob’s pet snail, left behind a trail of green mucus on the window that spelled out a secret message: “Squidward’s Struggle.”. This faded out into a title card, which was very strange given that SpongeBob title cards are normally at the very beginning of the episode, and this was clearly a reference to “Mein Kampf” by infamous Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler! I grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. It instantly flickered back to life and turned back on. I gave up.

The next scene displayed something super undesirable. It was Squidward at an all-you-can-eat pretzel and weinerschnitzel festival. He beat his chest and declared himself the übermensch, while engaging in a competitive eating contest against Sandy Cheeks, the astronaut suit wearing squirrel. I let out a gasp as it was revealed that Squidward was… drinking BEER! Out of a mug! Squidward tossed the mug against the head of boating school teacher Mrs. Puff, killing her instantly as her fins flew off in 3D smoke and fire explosion effects, hopping into a boat and immediately crashing it into a large rock. SpongeBob SquarePants was encouraging drinking and driving! This… was WRONG!

I was just about to give up on SpongeBob and life when the next scene emerged, and it was… a zoom-in of Patrick Star’s fungal infection sores. On his ass. It was a zoom-in of Patrick Star’s ass. There was a frownie face drawn on it in sharpie, one googly eye per cheek. The.. the scene panned over to a yellow, porous surface, as if a neglected cut of swiss cheese had developed jaundice… no, wait. That was… that was SpongeBob SquarePant’s anus! Googly eyes had been super glued to SpongeBob SquarePant’s hairy porous butt cheeks! “A plurality of the vote was all it took, Patrick.” SpongeBob… the fuse… the fuse exhausted. KABOOM! SpongeBob SquarePants’ pineapple house exploded into itty bitty bits, as Gary the Snail’s shell with burn and ashen marks was zoomed in on. Gary was not inside of the shell. Inside… was a tiny vial of salt. Oh no. You can’t pour salt on snails. That kills them!

The scene changed one more time to Squidward Tentacles still alive, somehow. He was in a klansman hood and robe and leading a rally at the Krusty Krab while wearing a red baseball hat reading ‘Make Bikini Bottom Tops Again’. He gave a long and winding speech, screaming aggressively and obnoxiously like a muppet whose neck strings had snapped while frantically reaching for its final pack of cigarettes after a horrible night of pity sex, partying, and trash TV. Good… gawk. Good gawk. Oh, my. Gawk. “Ve plant fuse in ze buttholes of civilians who don’t play by ze squid games!”. The crowd of Squidward Tentacles clones cheered on. Their skin was all shaded and coloured, patterned like the Brazilian clones. They were… clones. Boys of Brazil. Squidward Tentacles… was Adolf Hitler! … Also, how was he alive when he died in a drunk driving accident earlier? And if they were all underwater, how did the beer stay in the glass? Squidward… Squidward lit a fuse. The fuse was… it was protruding from his elderly wrinkled disheveled frizzled and unkempt squid anus. It began… the spark began inevitably traveling down, like your uncle at a Thanksgiving gathering when he just can’t wait to bang the table and tell your folks his opinions about vaccines, tetrazine, and exotic food dyes. Oh no. The crowd began to chant down… in GERMAN! Zehn! Zu! Eins!

Listen, I won’t engage you in the horrific details, but Squidward exploded, his butt cheek hairs and flayed off squidlike skin strips flying and fluttering off into the audience, presumably from the force of the explosion. I suddenly felt extremely hungry, for some reason. Squidward died, and a Squidward woman—a clone of Squidward, but with a ribbon in her hair—gave birth to a baby Squidward out of her slimy highly realistic squid vagina, with the baby Squidward metamorphosing, growing up within seconds into a brand spanking new adult Squidward that seemed to have every thought and memory of the now deceased Squidward. The… the entire audience took turns lighting the fuses protruding out of each and every last one of their anuses, blowing up into squid chunks, squid eyes, and dung, and there was just an endless cycle of rebirths and redeaths. Anuses, fuses, explosions, and dung. I hated my life. I hated SpongeBob!

I quickly got up and ejected the VHS tape from the VCR. The orange Nickelodeon VHS tape was now coloured and patterned in the likeness of the German flag. I… I lifted up the write protect tab of the VHS tape to reveal a… a fuse. Oh no. Ohhh… no…

Magically, mystically, somehow unexplainable, the fuse lit up, and it was a rather, rather short one. The tape exploded, bits of molten plastic becoming lodged in my various limbs and orifices! I began choking and bleeding and reached for my cell phone to dial 911 before it was all too late. But… but it already was.

Reproducing. The tape was… reproducing. The VHS… the VHS tape. Another VHS tape, with a plastic, prosthetic VHS tape vagina, gave birth to another VHS tape, with another fuse, and another explosion, and another experience of bits of molten plastic burning me, severing me, dismembering me. I gave up on the phone. I’d never be able to explain the situation. They’d think I was a prank caller. But what was not a prank… was the voice of Squidward Tentacles, blaring inside of my brain like a big, bad, boisterous brain megaphone.

“We don’t need to outnumber humanity. We just need to be loud. We just need to be… on fire.”

I reached for the door knob, limping, and bleeding. I stumbled and stuttered my way to the sidewalk. I expected to see someone, anyone, of any sort, ogling and staring at the dying man covered in plastic and layers of unwound and gagged VHS tape… tape. But no. They all understood. They all understood very, very… well.

Men, women, cats, dogs, and… was that a realistic squid-man hybrid? They all had fuses sticking out their anuses. Nobody was wearing any pants. And they all took turns… exploding. And rebirthing.

Loud. Annoying. All I wanted to do was sleep.

By gosh, by golly.

I was the real Squidward Tentacles.

I instinctively glanced back at my driveway. There was a boat crashed into a rock with German flags clipped on to a cabin window.

And inside of the cabin was an orange book. A sleeve with Nickelodeon slime was emblazoned upon it, along with a cover illustrated with various underwater sea creatures having sex with each other while bomb fuses protruded from their various anuses. A foreward with a solution to a squid reproduction problem, to combat the stupidity of other forms of submarine life and civilization, could be discovered within.

The title of the book read: ‘Mein Kampf: Squidward’s Struggle’.

The book had a fuse protruding from its back cover.