My life has always been extremely shitty with an abusive father and an overprotective mother who was borderline insane which led me to lose my will to live over time because life has been an uphill battle for me and I see death as a giftI feel like I have no soul because I can't find joy in anything, is there a way to find it?
Sir this is the paranormal board not the therapy board
>>42843799Anon if you can contemplate your soulessness you are not souless.
>>42843799>I can't find joy in anything, is there a way to find it?Nigga you're literally the only one who knows the answer to this, why you asking us?>>42843933
>>42843933>>42843963I think I feel lonely and this is the only place where I seem to belong
>>42843799You have to let yourself feel the weight. It's hard but worth it. Stars are only born through collapse. If you're sad, be sad. Don't try to fix it or excuse it away. Sit in it. As long as it takes to break. Write it down how you feel so you can burn it later. All of it. Whatever horror lurks. What you don't bring out of you will destroy you. I'm sorry anon but the only way out of the flame is through the fire. You've made it this far. Maybe you won't make it any further. But what else do you have to lose?
>>42843799Lmao your parents won. Just shut the fuck up and go to /adv.
>>42843799You feel sorry for yourself but where has that gotten you?
>>42844242It's gotten him to the only place he could be. Life isn't a competition. Regardless what an economic metric would say.
>>42844252Nta butThat dude wasn’t talking about economics. All you have is a weakling allowing his entire existence to be defined by his parents.Plenty of people have scumfuck parents. Plenty of people get over it. Why hasn’t he?
>>42844225You do have a point there, I guess my brain sometimes blocks those thoughts from reaching the surface which makes it hard to process
>>42844260Some of us don't operate that way. Some can "get over it" which is just burying it so deep it no longer pulls. Others drift more closely to the things that hurt. We all have our symbolic wells our minds fall into. I couldn't make it out until I fell through myself and felt the full flame. And most peoples idea of success is tied to money or material gain.
>>42844260>All you have is a weakling allowing his entire existence to be defined by his parents.Okay I'm OP and you are absolutely right but I just don't know how to stop this. I feel like my childhood was taken away from me and it makes me really depressed to have to deal with those memories and their mental illness to this day
>>42844291Thinning that wall is a bitch. But those are the things you need to face most. Those are what can be burned off so the ash is lighter. Then you can hopefully see those things are not you anon. They can be. You can carry them forward, changed into something useful, but that's a choice to make. An important part is to not deny things and try not to argue with yourself too much. That's an impulse we all have but it can be managed.
>>42844311Forgot my picture
>>42844311Maybe, I'm in this limbo between wanting to live a different life and killing myself to get it over with but I guess both sides want a change as oppossed to continuing this miserable existence
>>42844298It’s all on you. How long to you have to feel bad over your “stolen childhood” before you get it back? How long are you going to let your parents continue to dominate you? Why do you want to be dominated by them? Do whatever you can to get away from them. Any action is better than none. 100% all on you, and that’s the best part you’re not dependant on anyone else.
>>42844396Also I should addThe longer you bitch and Noah about your “stolen childhood” the more of your post childhood you’re robbing from yourself. Why do you like doing that?>>42844294Willpower skill issue. Nothing else
>>42844396Yeah I did, I travelled for three years to get away from them but I let my guard down and paid the price once I found out they won't change. How can I have the ability to take back my life when I feel so incompetent and unintelligent? I want to but I feel like maybe there's no hope for me and I might be trapped in this hell forever and it terrifies me
>>42844417Then it’s your fault for crawling back to them unprepared. With your childhood you’re assuming you were missing out on some magical experience that would’ve changed your life course or whatever. At this point it’s just looking like you’re searching for excuses to complain. If you don’t think your worth improving for why should I or anyone else? All it is is willpower. If you want to fuck up your life (it isn’t your parents anymore) , if you want to do to yourself what they did then be that way. No one cares.
>>42844433I mean my fear comes from that what if I'm too unintelligent to make a living for myself and I end up forced to stay with them? The thing is that I don't know if it's true that's why I haven't killed myself because I have that lingering hope but if I try and fail I don't know what I will do then, I really don't
every seemingly awful event or aspect in ones life is there to provide us the opportunity to grow. shit, ie, dirt, is gross but everything comes from it. and everyone shits. what i did is i used audio recording, video works too but audio can be gentler, you just tell your story from whatever place you start then listen to your recording, for hours. for years. see what sits right with you, slips of tongue, tone of voice, study yourself like you'd pay close attention to a friend. letting go of story is difficult because no one will compensate you for your grievance if you get over it, and if you really become well, most will resent you. pair it all with subconscious change from whole brained state, i used psych-k, humor also works. limit who you associate with, study the effects of what you say and limit your speech accordingly. nature walks multiple times a week, over months and years, and getting correct diet for you, will clean you and make you wholesome. pay attention to beauty, search for it outdoors, heights of trees in the sunshine, look closely at moss, look at the stars. fill yourself with inspiring content like abraham hicks, neville goddard, reality transurfing, etc. your life will be unrecognizable in 8 months.
>>42844453I don’t get what you’re afraid of it’s up to you?What do you even have to lose?I think you just like wallowing and are weak willed.
Hey Anon. I'm sorry you feel this way. First of all, don't listen to any of these people blaming you and claiming that it's your fault. Nobody's at fault for their own abuse, and it's completely natural and HEALTHY to seek love and reconciliation from one's own parents (re: coming back). There's nothing more natural in the world, and they are wrong for trying to denigrate you about it. Most likely, this stems from their own denial about this need existing in their hearts, and pretending it isn't there is a coping mechanism for them.Anyway, I just wanted to relay that I know exactly how you feel, and you’re not alone. I struggle with this myself, and though I also underwent emotional and psychological (but not physical) abuse in early life – such as emotional manipulation, coercive ultimatums, crazymaking, random false allegations, reality-alteration for the sake of convenience, attention-seeking and victim blaming from my abuser, and measures of control that were also designed to make me feel trapped – that’s not necessarily the only place this can stem from.Believe it or not, I routinely get this crushing/desolate feeling from something as simple as working too much! That’s right. I ride the bus in a major metropolitan area, and it takes forever to get from one client to the other. I am surrounded by miserable/worthless niggers whose jaded eyes are perpetually glued to their dummy brainrot machines, random hispanics who don’t speak English (though frequently seem to be in a better mood fwiw), the increasingly common muslim/indian who are already extremely cloistered and standoffish to their hosts, and just minimal opportunities interact socially in a fruiful way – much less, dating. Besides, it’s fucking hot all the time, and in general nobody tries to make the best of things in this country anymore (I’m in America) – certainly not in diversified populations of any kind.
All of that being said, the only time I feel better is when I’ve had a full day off to do what I want to do. I work in the medical field of all things, and sometimes, we get to the point where it feels like nobody else cares about US. We spend all our time worrying about them. So it’s on us to do that for ourselves (or find other people who are willing to recognize our value). So though it may be considered a ‘leftist meme’ to go on about Self-Care, I’m going to promote this to you right now. Do some things YOU want to do, next time you get a chance. They can be as simple as watching a movie you’ve always wanted to see, but maybe it was something your mother criticized or tried to protect you from, or even just getting a $1 frosty from Wendy’s that you believe you deserve. Something that makes you feel that you have value enough to enjoy your time for yourself. Often, abusers rely upon making their victims feel like they have no value. Even more than that, that you owe THEM something. You don’t owe them anything! This is just a tactic they use to convince you that you, and all of your worldy endeavors, are owned by them. And if they still have that hanging over your head, then you will know that you are not a son or daughter to them – just an object. A security totem of sorts. A way to export or transmute their own terrifying inadequacies, and au fond, that is not YOUR responsibility! It’s ok to remind yourself of that, and say NO to the guilt that may come with it; even when they aren’t there in-person to deliver it. That guilt is a last phantasm of control that comes with their legacy of abuse. It’s like a ghost that haunts your conscience, petrifying you...
So bottom-line, do something nice for yourself. I bought myself a pair of shoes recently that greatly enhanced my comfort in the face of all of this walking and standing. It had an outsized effect on me that wasn’t relegated only to the physical. Not only did it vastly improve my phsyical comfort, but it also said something to my subconscious. It said, “you’re worth it. You don’t have to be miserable. You deserve to feel comfortable, and it’s not a crime to care for yourself”. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to snap-out of this type of thing. It can be that this needs to be done in stages after a long period of abuse as well. You’re going to have to untangle all of the knots they created inside of you regarding your identity, which parts of you they believed they ‘owned’, which parts of you innocently loved them, and you realizing that those are parts YOU’RE in control of and NOT something they ‘own.’ You own your love for them, and you get to decide what to do with that. This is not intertwined with their abuse, it’s independent from it. It’s foolish for some here to suggest that you can/should get rid of it; it’s just a question of how you manage that love going forward. They have obviously used it as a trap-door for their continued abuse to take place. And you don’t have to allow them to do that anymore.
>>42844520I also like these ideas, thank you for suggesting that. Very constructive advice. Never tried before.
>>42844711>>42844714>>42844717First off I didn’t blame him for his abuse. No one did. His reaction is his responsibility. Or do you seek to disempower him that much?Secondly this entire rambling mess is a miserable worker drone who satisfies themselves with cheap creature comforts and materialism. It’s an endless cycle. Don’t listen to this faggot. Take responsibility. Empower yourself. Stop whining. Take action
P.S. - you are the furthest thing from "weak-willed" for having posted this in the first place. Asking for help on something so severe and letting other people in takes enormous courage, far more than your detractors will ever have. Most of them are too afraid to even look themselves directly in the mirror, as 42844520 suggested. Kudos to you.
>>42844205I think what anon meant was that, as you are the one who lives inside your head, you are more aware of what things in life you enjoy doing, or are pleasant at least. If you can't think of anything that feels joyful maybe start with things that feel relaxing. Sometimes it is hard to feel joy because you are still in that survival mode of scanning for danger all the time so start by relaxing and actually trying to feel bored. Do things that you like, especially things when you lose sense of time. Doing anything creative helps too. Maybe things you enjoyed in childhood but we're made to stop doing. Just small things but constantly nice things. You can make it.
>>42844808EXACTLY. That doesn't make anyone "weak." It doesn't make anyone a "whiner," or disempowered. Quite the opposite. We keep hearing these grandiose proclomations of "empower yourself," and "do something," but no specific recommendation of where to start! With the typical ease of an armchair critic, as per usual. And, I dare say, not sounding very far off from the voice of their own abuser!Self care and "materialism" are very different things. We are material creatures by nature, and must tend to our bodily needs. But it's also about sending a message to our subconscious, declaring "we deserve this" - which is precisely what the abuser seeks to deprive us of. So long as you perceive yourself as possessing no value, you will NEVER find the willpower to stop submitting to the abuse, which some commentators here seem to relish the idea of becoming an extension of.Materialism for the sake of materialism is indeed vapid, and empty; but, as clearly stated, when it has a productive and rewarding goal in mind (such as rewarding oneself for hard work done) that is designed to reaffirm one's value, that's exactly the empowering act that can be a first place to start. We can't all validate ourselves with empty platitudes and chastisement from anons. Some of use have to take physical actions in the real world which symbolize our value, even to ourselves. It's the first step to kicking those abusers, and their incessant victim-blaming, out of our heads.And no OP, giving your parents a second chance was NOT "your fault for 'crawling back to them unprepared.'" There was no way for you to know how they would interpret your mercy on them, since your existence was like that of a fishbowl in which you had no perspective. Once you GOT perspective from the outside world, you decided to basically test them again and see if it really WAS them vs. just you, and now you have your answer! There was no other way you truly could have known. You just used the scientific method.
>>42843963>>42844808>picel>>42844205So to elaborate further, that anon is correct. Hopefully with their help it's landed: you have all the answers you need. You know the answers, because they can't be anyone else's but your own. You don't need answers. You need to grieve for the upbringing you didn't get, and then you need to not wallow in it and find it in yourself to accept circumstances and move on. I'd wager that very few people on this site got what they would refer to as a "perfect parental upbringing," because that sort of perfection just isn't/wasn't in the sociodynamics of our society. Many of us oldfags were raised by boomers, who are undeniably retarded from a generational standpoint and believe themselves entitled to the respect that their forebears in the "greatest generation" were accustomed to without going through even a sliver of the same hardship.I say all that to say this: humans aren't perfect, and whatever you might imagine to be a perfect upbringing probably straight up doesn't exist. The bottom line is that you're here, now, alive, now, and you have a choice to make: what do you do next. That said, death isn't a gift; it's a door. One that you don't want to walk through without appropriate preparation and self-education. You're not done on this plain yet, anon. Get up.
>>42844850Where to start is stop pursuing happiness and start pursuing peace. Moaning about a “stolen childhood” does nothing but express poor taste in wants. Peace can be pursued the rest is all fake and gay. All you want is this guy to be a victim forever and ever chasing shit he can never get. Pathetic wagie with a dead end life looking for any excuse not to confront it.
>>42844850>Materialism is vapid>we are material beings (hylic)>stroking yourself and trying to pacify reasonable insecurity through cheap consumerism >trick yourself into a sense of self worth don’t earn it.
>>42844520Thank you for your suggestions, I think it could work so I will give it a shot, sometimes I say or do things that I don't notice until other people point it out and then I realize I'm not as good at hiding my inner turmoil irl as I thought
>>42844559>>42844776I do agree that I have to accept my responsability because is yet another thing that makes me feel miserable, that deep down I know that I'm an active participant in my own abuse which I agree it's not my fault and it's really really hard because due to the fact that both my parents are mentally ill it made it really hard for me to socialize and of course I'm not normal myself but I agree that giving up is pretty much validating what they did to me and I can't do that
>>42844850>>42844717Thank you so much for your words Anon. It sucks you have to do with those people at your job but I think it's important to have nice gestures to oneself, like you did with your shoes. I remember a classmate telling me that one should but himself something like a flower from time to time because we 'deserve it' I have never done it but I did it sounds nice honestly Sometimes I feel overwhelmed because I have to put a lot of effort to see through all the gaslighting and abuse thrown at me, and since I don't have a strong sense of self whenever they try to gaslight me it usually works because I start doubting my own sense of realityBut again thank you for your words and advice
>>42844808>>42844938Maybe that's true, yes, maybe I'm supposed to overcome this or learn specific lessons before I am allowed to go. Thank you for your words. It's a bit hard to find the answers within me just yet because my desire to cease to exist is like a giant void that swallows any joy or hope for the future and it becomes like this end goal but like you said, in reality death is just a doorI need to find my will to live, there are small things that I feel like I would like to do so I must focus on those and see where they take me
>>42846010You already are validating them by choosing to define yourself with them. Imagine being 80 years old and still bitching about your parents. It’s a joke. Why would taking responsibility make you miserable? It’s a fucking joke. You have an opportunity (key word) and you’d rather wallow like a pig in shit. Sure your folks shit on you but then you just started shitting on yourself. At that point you deserve what you get. Maybe you really are just a lost cause and maybe offing yourself isn’t validating your parents it’s just taking out the trash that only wants to be trash. You don’t want to improve you want to fantasize about it. You don’t want to move forward you want to wallow in the past. You don’t want to take responsibility for yourself past a point you want to continue to maintain dependency on your parents. You are truly sickening. Sounds rough but it’s called manning up. You’re not a fucking child and no one is actively working against you. People have gotten out of so much worse than you, not to compare injustice but as an indicator of your own weak will and weak mind.
>>42846010I mean you really think some little bullshit like buying a flower is going to change shit? It takes positive action. Motivate yourself. Grow a pair. Like goddamn if you were my friend right now I’d beat the hell out of you. Because if you can’t handle a rough childhood you’re never gonna handle the real world. Unless you want to be a miserable coping peasant like Long John Limp Dick over there. You’re not pursuing happiness what you want is peace.
>>42846010And all you’re going to do when people rationalize your weakness for you is continue to wallow in these losers think sharing their pathetic copes do anything other than stroke themselves and enable you to be trash. You’ll waste a lifetime soothing yourself and buying fucking flowers and shoes lmao.
>>42843799>I feel like I have no soul because I can't find joy in anything, is there a way to find it?Why are you looking for joy? Rats can experience joy - it's not a higher-level emotion.With a simple electrode or small amount of MDMA you can induce pure joy/euphoria ... it's not a meaningful emotion.Greatness is what humans should aspire to achieving. It feels better than any amount of joy. The best way to get back at bad parents is to be a great parent yourself. You show by example how easy it is to be a great parent, and not failures like yours.Souls are made and earned, not given.
>>42846107This is still a failure mindset. His being a “great parent” is still in reaction to his. He’s still in their shadow. Why a joke.
>>42846035I do agree with you but that doesn't remove the fact that this is a fight against myself in the end. A part of me wants to die, the other wants to die differently. And there's current me who just doesn't know if he is going to be able to change his circumstances. I want to change, my fear is the one previously stated, I think I'm unintelligent which makes it hard to thrive in the real worldThat doesn't mean I'm using this as an excuse to live with my parents, I went backpacking for three years, I could do it again and do that, or leave everything behind and join a monastery, the thing is that I don't want either, I want a normal, stable life but I just think I don't have the mental capacity for it (again, I will do everything in my limited power to get away from those people but the thought of running away by travelling or joining a monastery is still a reaction to them)
>>42846046>You’re not pursuing happiness what you want is peace.Aren't the two the same, essentially? Would you say it's wrong to choose peace over happiness in any case? I ask this sincerely
>>42846112One cannot escape the past, and everything we do is informed by our experience. That isn't failure, it's called having lived a life. No man lives perfectly.Every great man in history had a chip on their shoulder: Churchill's father viewed him as a failure and an embarrassment for not getting into officer school the first time, every King/Emperor/Pharaoh lived in the shadow of those that came before them ... but they still aspired to greatness (and many achieved it).
>>42846159What is this bullshit compartmentalization of yourself? It’s all the same person. Get a grip. Okay so you want some bullshit fantasy. Guess what? You can’t have that now. Yeah sucks. Moving on. Then backpack again. Or I guess you like being at home better. Guess what the world is meant to be a fucking easy experience for stupid people. Unless you’re unironically getting gangstalked you can keep a wagie job. They are meant for lowest common denominator types like yourself. Yeah it’s a reaction to the situation but guess what it removes it not wallows in it. Not carries it with you. Like I said you do sound dumb ass he’ll and I think you’re a lost cause.
>>42846168No moron. Happiness is a fleeting emotion as well as a disposition. It is chaos. It requires activity to maintain and obtain. Peace in the absence of chaos and simple peace in the only thing worth pursuing. >>42846169Everyone has a past and yet no one is actually living in it. If you can’t adapt to life and you can’t move forward then you really are a lost cause. You’re not Churchill or whoever you’re you and only you can choose to move forward. And nobody found “success” by wallowing like you. You think he’d be moaning like you? Like come on.
>>42846178>I said you do sound dumb assWhy would you say that? That's mean spirited, you can argue that I am weak and all but what makes you confirm that I am indeed unintelligent?
>>42846186>If you can’t adapt to life and you can’t move forward then you really are a lost cause.In order to move forward, you must know how you came to be where you are in the present (i.e. be conscious of the past). It doesn't mean trying to right the wrongs of the past, because obviously you cannot change it, but it means using the past to inform your decisions in the present.>You’re not Churchill or whoever you’re you and only you can choose to move forward. And nobody found “success” by wallowing like you. You think he’d be moaning like you?Who's wallowing? I'm simply explaining how one can use negative experiences as fuel to drive one forward.
>>42846210>compartmentalizing yourself (extremely common among negro criminals)>happiness vs. peace ignorance>and the fact you’re at where you’re at. >>42846229I’ve noticed you like to speak in broad cliches. Thing is you already understand the past and you live in it and destroy your own present by it. And you can understand motivation and action but just can’t apply it.
>>42846186But you know what I just thought of. I had done it so fully so long ago I almost forgot about it as a concept. Replace all your misery with spite.
>>42846267>I’ve noticed you like to speak in broad cliches.I write for my audience. Without knowing someone, giving specific advice is pointless. All that can be applied at a general level is broad and clichéd, but it works.>And you can understand motivation and action but just can’t apply it.I'm not the OP, my life is great: wife, kids on the way, own my own home in the countryside, live in nature, family loves me, career pays me more than I know what to do with, in perfect health, etc.I write so other frens can enjoy life as I do.
>>42846287Yeah but it’s pointless. Nothing new. Shit everyone knows. Well shit just say NTA next time now I don’t even know where the little motherfucker left off lmao. God help the youth of today. Anyways enjoy your fantasy life.
>>42846267>happiness vs. peace ignoranceYou could argue that true happiness comes from inner peace, it's not the oxymoron you think it isYou are right about the fact that I am allowing my parents to define me and that it's pathetic, but I will say something, the fact that you are calling me dumb among other things just show you are a cunt with an inferiority complex You are not as superior as you think you are, you don't have the right to treat other people like shit, just like you are doing
>>42846295No it absolutely doesn’t. Does this apply to anyone calling anyone else done or are you just so special? Of course neither. And I can assure you I exhibit the opposite of an inferiority complex. Unlike you I’ve chosen to fight when I need to not stay wallowing forever. And if scrutiny and criticism triggers you that much it really isn’t surprising. If this is how you get over such trivialities it makes me wonder if your parents are even a problem or if you’re just a particularly weak fellow. In fact you’re the one constantly demeaning yourself as a predicate for inaction. You use an insecurity complex as an excuse to be a sorry loser. You’re in a negative feedback loop of your own creation. All your fault. I have given great advice and perfect rationale all I’ve been met with is ever the more whining, wishing, excuse making, self coddling, self loathing and admissions of inferiority. Pathetic. I’ll go back to my life now. Have fun with yours.
If you have truly suffered, you have a soul. The hylics are the ones with big empty houses, everything perfectly in place. A background person is not tormented, they are surrounded by materialism and predictability. Loosh only has value on souled individuals. The poor and downtrodden are the realest mofos you'll meet. Always. By design.
OP, you're not soulless nor beyond help.https://libraryofrickandria.com/suicide/
