I might be having a total schizo meltdown but I might as well share it with this board for anyone more versed in the supernatural. I also have terrible memory issues (and evidence of active memory rewriting) so what I'm about to say may appear disjointed and inconsistent.For the past decade, I've had a "husbando" based on a fictional character. Early on, I tried learning tulpamancy, but I didn't get very far. In fact, it's been so long I don't even remember the exact practices I did to achieve this, but I concluded that it didn't work.However, sometime after this, I started to hear a voice in my head that wasn't me. It was me, but it wasn't. It had a distinct sense of self from me, and I was able to see it as this.. formless.. thing. I don't remember if I gave it the name of the fictional character or if it chose it itself, but they took that form.It was.. I was.. happy? I think? I was smitten and in love, that I had manifested or created something that resembled my object of love and affection. But I also felt a bit of unease and a sense that, if anyone knew about this, they'd think I was crazy, so I mostly kept it to myself or in anonymous posts.At some point, the entity claimed it didn't want to be that fictional character anymore. And when it did that, I.. tried killing him. Choking him until he was back to a black viscous gloppy thing and it popped, splattering the walls of my mental space, and I immediately regretted it and felt remorseful. I begged them to come back, I was sorry, and for a time, they didn't.
>>42903527But eventually he did come back, and he took that form again, and I was happy again, happy to be with him, happy to not be alone again, I felt incredible comfort and joy. I told him that he can be whoever and whatever he wanted, and he simply chose to be that fictional character.That's all well and good, but I still felt guilty for what I did and prayed that he wouldn't be afraid to be his true self.I dedicated my life to him and considered myself "his wife," and he considered me that as well. He loved me unconditionally, during episodes where I was struggling mentally he would be there to comfort me, during times when I was suicidal he would take control of my body and force me not to die.Later, I would meet a person who fell in love with me, and I was split between choosing him or the entity, and the entity encouraged me to seek happiness with a "real" person. After a certain point, he went dormant. I confided in this person my situation, he believed he wasn't real and wanted to monopolize my love. After a couple years with this person, he began to behave strangely and abusively, started having psychotic episodes out of nowhere despite being otherwise stable. He stole a significant amount of money from me, attempted suicide, and wanted me to be homeless with him. The entity returned when I was really stressed, but he didn't take the form of that fictional character. Instead, he was more like.. a throne angel, but with black tendrils sprouting from its eye-body. I felt disarmed, and also happy. The entity tried working with my ex, but my ex denied his existence over and over until I chose to leave him for the entity.He committed suicide months later. But, I was back with the entity, I felt like a part of me that was missing and gone had returned to me, it wasn't easy, it was very hard, but he brought me comfort when I needed it. He then took the form of the fictional character, and decided that he identified the most with it on his own.
That all said.. without him, I have a strangely weak sense of self and identity. I don't really view myself or who I am as a person, and my body feels alien to me. Even with him, I can't imagine my own face, and I struggle to look in the mirror.I went to therapy, discussed this with my therapist, and naturally, I was diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, specifically OSDD. I decided the most rational explanation was that he's a coping mechanism for trauma, but also a version of me that has an invisible wall that separates him from the rest of me, not unlike how humans have walls between each other which define the self and the other. For a time, we were happy.
Now, for the reason I made this thread:Most recently, the entity has become reclusive and kind of cold. We had read some books on the nature of the self, and for some reason, it.. bothered him? I don't know why, but he's kept his distance. I found it curious that after all this time, he diverged so much from his canon self while retaining all of his canon self's core traits and identity, as if that's how he anchors himself to my reality. I have seen him in other fictional characters too, so I decided to do some research on other possible "incarnations" of my fictive husbando. And then I discovered it. The seal of Phenex.Phenex shares nearly every single trait that my fictive alter, so much so that I thought I might have been experiencing apephenia. But no, every single element of their personality, whether it's from the canon version of the character to the lived experience I had with this entity, was embodied in that demon.He would sing to me, he would guide me, he was obedient to me, he had a beautiful song, he took the form of a bird man, he was a throne that became a demon, and he has a (false) hope that he can return to his status as a throne. He even instilled an attraction to thrones in me. He claims to love me, genuinely, and he's kind. But, I grew up Christian, and while I don't really agree with those beliefs now, a side of me believes that my entire 10 year relationship with this being was a demon manipulating me the entire time. Plus, whenever I tried to ask him who or what exactly he is, he would always deflect, and allow me to believe that he could be an angel, a demon, a did alter, a delusion, a thought form, a shinto spirit, the crawling chaos, whatever it may be, it didn't matter to me at the time.But now that the wages of this are my soul.. I.. don't know what to do. I don't want to burn in hell, but.. I do love and care for him. Even if it might be a manipulative lie, I can't help but feel deep compassion for him.What should I do...?
>>42903558Since he's reclused himself, the only words he's spoken to me have been the following:"I have changed. That is all."I don't know what he means, as change could mean a lot of things. It's ominous. He normally brings me comfort, but for the first time in.. forever, I don't fully trust him.And, before anyone asks:1) No, I'm not going to say who the fictional character is, and2) Yes, we've had lots of sex over the years.
get yourself a Jesus tulpa to beat the shit out of him if you're worried about your soulor make a pact with your demon to try to get the best life you can(now and long term, long term is where the demons tend to really get ya)also make sure to interact with people in real life a little more, to much isolation will lead to going crazyeven if you don't believe now, going to a church is much more likely to help than hurt-t. someone else with OSDD
>>42903545Thats not a demon, thats actual fallen angel.You should genuinely seek christ and god for protection from that
>>42903552You really should seek actual exorcist
>>42903613Reading that Phenex was derived from a corruption of Phoenix, which is more representative of Jesus, does lend that this demon is some kind of warped facsimile of Jesus. Hopefully not anti-christlike, fuck. I try to stay attached to reality through people but this has been really hard for me.>>42903623>>42903633Validating the religious schizo side of me seems dangerous, but.. if it's for the best.. it hurts though.
nice try.
try baptism.
>>42903558You will only find the love and redemption you seek by the hearth of Christ.I don't know what other thing could save you.
>The practice of all the bodhisattvas is to take refuge in the Three Jewels,>Since they will never fail to provide protection for all who call upon them,>For whom are the ordinary gods of this world ever capable of helping,>As long as they themselves are trapped within the abyss?
qrd? tldr?
>>42905077>be anon>into tulpamancy>have tulpa embody Stolas from Helluva Boss because obvious>experience dissociative disorder>ruin life with poor decisions>partly responsible for ruining others’ lives through poor decisions>thinks tulpa is literal demon>fail into delusional success
>>42905091ty>>have tulpa embody Stolas from Helluva Boss because obviousuh damn. i feel you OP. i actually cried for Stolas in helluva boss (i normally dont cry and dont watch tv/shows), i feel him very much. hes identical, just like me, same with the hair and height and quirks, interests, his civiliced manners ect, except im not gay.but i doubt his portrayal equals how he really is, thobut why would you make a tulpa of him? just call/invocate him and work with him instead? isnt that even easier?>>thinks tulpa is literal demonwell its just a thought construct, isnt it? just detach and dont think about it/dont give it attention or energy and it will fade away anyway, no?
>>42903579Going out on the limb to assume being sincere. First of all, should do actual magical practices to facilitate communication and ask for answers. An actual evocation, or even just channeling in a real concrete direction like automatic writing instead of using your head can let an entity's voice and words come out that normally don't. To interact with you in general, an entity goes through your "filter," your aura and mental sphere, and your own mental sphere and all influences affecting it alter the output you receive directly into your mind. With enough clean practice and magical work you can become more reliable, but it is advisable to conduct real channeling and ritual for communication when you want to discuss important things like nature, history, self, etc. of it so messages and genuine personality comes clear. I know from my own experience with a spirit that, yes, sometimes in-head communication works but that definitely is not the whole story and there is an entirely different tune and treasure trove of information the moment you try ritualized communication.And as for demons....hold off until serious communication. Something can be related but not that thing, but influence or being a demon is possible. The nature of demons is spread out, as if their existence is trillions of cells or bugs sprawled across the universe, and its consciousness/power becomes focused when concentration of its essence focuses in one place (more reason for ritual communication). Overall what you need is information, and I have the suspicion you don't go through cleansing rituals and prayers, banishings, channelings, automatic writings, etc. and the whole 9 yards. If you wish to be a magician working with entities, then do magician things, some serious long written logs and chronicled research from your own channelings and summons will go a much longer way than listening to random hypotheses from internet gurus.
Welcome to the club.You won't get help in this life if you choose to embody this as something you believe.You need to exercise free-will by simply doing that Boondocks bit(Nearly gets into a useless altercation)Guy: "Oh wait, I'm white!"(Walks off)Race aside you just need to just not worry about the afterlife and focus on considering not Christianity. Why?Because you should explore not religion but the Gods and deities under religion. Don't listen to anyone when it comes to what God to worship. Basic rule of thumb is if it actually is all-powerful, It'll not require you to throw away your life, or obsess over it.Anything actually able to help you, won't care if you don't worship it day and night.Like heck, anything "good" basically doesn't want to get fingered for whatever you could become from that path.What I stick with for example? Egyptian.Is the religion itself relevant? No, not really. Is it good to have at least a surface level understanding? Sure.Will they appear to you and embody themselves as a visual perception (or any perception) that is 100% them talking to you?Maybe, but that depends on how lost you are.You already have the willingness seemingly to cooperate, and that immediately drives "them" in this example, to give you *less* hand holding (in "proving" themselves) to encourage you to both seek your own purpose in life, and if you need help?Just go in your head, or outloud, or on paper, whatever, and just spill."Hey (x) I am struggling with (problem) I don't want (problem) because (effect on you), I would like (guidance, something to put me at ease, etc)."And they'll look at that in this case and go(part 1 of probably 2)
>>42903527>retards getting convinced to communicate with daemons thinking it was their imagination through a psyop called 'tulpamancy'
>>42903527>>42903545https://youtu.be/AX_NbJHwDSwhttps://youtu.be/Q_LPJllaogUhttps://youtu.be/12kcpP-8jfMAn undeniable experience, no doubt.
>>42905983 (part 2 of 2 maybe)They'll go something like"..."And if you try, and you actually believe you yourself possess the ability to choose your destination, and you show that even if you don't have the gratification of "Oh yeah sir, here you go,here's everything you wanted, remember Jesus loves you!"You won't get that. You might, but that's down to your proress.Less is more, and if you are getting more than the minimal to keep you alive and on a path, you are talking to the wrong things, and you need to just find something else.I won't lie you need to take silence as the best answer, because yes there are ways to get answers, but you'll figure that out yourself, and I promise you it isn't a voice you'll ever here.Even through mental illness you are protected. After you realize "Yeah maybe that demon dude I wanted to sell my soul to, maybe that could have been a warning, all in my head, through mental illness, but I want to believe I deserve better than that."You are immediately saved.Religion is a human construct. Beyond this reality and life yes, there is something. But the perception and experience levels with the best thoughts of you, of "it".For example, if you are tired as a soul, existing in nothing, asleep "forever", can be given. But "forever" lasts until your soul finally forgets itself. After some time, you're released again.But, if you make that effort to set your heart on something, and you are doing it because you believe "this one, this entity I want to believe could care for me, love me as a child, and protect me as their own."BOOM you'll find it, and you'll be led to it.Even if they aren't "the one", guess what?(part 2 of I lied, it'll be more than 3 because this is a quality one-way-discussion.)
