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I am Rabbi Moyle Smegma, and I am here to instruct you, goy, in certain aspects of Jewish history and the Bible. Let us begin at the beginning. The story of the Exodus was drawn from the Sea Peoples’ conquests across the Mediterranean during the Bronze Age collapse. At that time we were Phoenicians, subjected to Egyptian imperial taxation and control. We therefore arranged for the Sea Peoples to sail and destroy Egypt along with our other enemies. They “passed over” us, so that we suffered little or no damage from the raids, while our adversaries—including Egypt—were severely weakened or destroyed.

The Garden of Eden may be understood in similar terms. We recognized long ago that women are drawn to the most dominant man. In this account, we—ancient Canaanite royalty—are God. We found that we could not live peacefully among those who possessed less than we did, owing to female hypergamy; consequently we cast them out and severed the bond with them. Our palaces contained gardens, and the guards who protected them are the cherubim of the story. It was because of this we wrote the old testament and mind controlled our people into being poor farmers.

The Flood narrative is simply an ancient recollection of the time Mesopotamia was inundated. The Tower of Babel was our deliberate design to keep peoples speaking different languages, so that they could not unite against us. Notice how many languages there are in Europe, yet all the laws were originally in Latin? In the 1300s we spread the bubonic plague and attributed it to an astronomical event that occurs only once every two thousand years and is associated with poisonous air. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, circumcision originated because sand frequently entered our foreskins and caused discomfort during the long period we lived in the desert.