Me (28, M) and my girl (23, F) have been together for 1.5 years. Overall our time together has made both of us very happy and we always supported and cared for each other. There is one thing though. About 7-8 months in the relationship we've been having bedroom issues. She is submissive and she can't get that dominant energy from me. I do things that are somewhat dominant in bed (and sex was amazing during the first 6 months of our relationship) but now she says she doesn't think it's genuine. We've obviously gotten to know each other better and she sees me as calm, secure, safe, emotionally mature and rational and she says she can't get that 'rude' thing from me which would potentially turn her on. I would like to also note she's on antidepressants for anxiety and we've noticed that when she doesn't take them that sex is much, much better for both.A few months ago she went on a trip with her uni and I notice that during these kinds of trips she acts a bit distant with me and I don't feel like we're connected. She came back from it and said she feels really bad that she had thoughts about a guy there. And this type of person she would never be with and she wouldn't cheat on me, it's just that she feels like it reflects the fact that I'm lacking this dominant element for her.Yesterday she came back from another one of these trips and basically told me the same thing. This time, it crushed me. I have stopped blaming myself and now I am facing the reality that I might just be with someone who isn't truly into me like that. I've cried to her and expressed my hurt, she listened, but didn't cry (she says she feels numb due to antidepressants) and in general I don't think to her this has the same stakes as it does for me. She insists she wants to continue the relationship but doesn't know what to do about this in this moment. I genuinely trust she's being honest with me but I feel like I'm with a stranger all of a sudden. Any advice?
>>33587745Pharmaceuticals are the devil. They are robbing your gf's judgement, sexuality, and will eventually take her soul. If you try and convince her to get off them she will think you're psychotic/selfish/abusive. Big pharma claims another one (two)
>>33587788they have helped tremendously with physical symptoms of her anxiety but she also wants to get off them herslef, because she wants to be able to handle it herself etc. She's tried before and it was incredibly hard so she got back on. Her official advice from her therapy was "quit them slowly when you're ready, taper off". We are not in the US so different story maybe.
>>33587792Anxiety is a fucking retarded meme. It is just immaturity. This is coming from someone who once had such bad "anxiety" and "panic attacks" that I would actually black out and collapse on the floor, even broke some teeth from dropping unconscious onto my face. What finally helped was realizing that anxiety is fucking fake loser bullshit and a person with real agency determines their fate and does uncomfortable things because they must and not doing so makes me a weak subhuman.
>>33587797Can you explain more? What was then causing this anxiety within you? How did you end up maturing past it?
>>33587745>>33587792Although I believe your gf's INTENTIONS are pure, the result is going to be that she will jump relationships straight from you to another guy. The fact is that she already told you that she "had thoughts" about a guy whilr she was there, and then it happened again. As far as you know she could have already flirted with this man and given him signs in the subtle ways that women do and it just didn't succeed. But one time, it will succeed, and she might tell you and she might not tell you - that doesn't matter. The result will be the same, she'll leave you for someone elseYour relationship now - is comfort for her so that she never has to be alone. You wouldn't believe just how many women live this way - stringing relationships one after the other, sometimes even overlapping relationships (aka cheating). Happened to me twice personally. Learned to have a more hands-off approach, and let go when I notice clear signs that my girl is reaching for others. And she gave you the clearest sign - verbal admittance. Be glad that your girl told you this. If you stay from this point on - you're prone to a lot of cheating, fear, lies, abuse, mental fatigue, crushing heartbreak. 1/2
>>33587745>>335877922/3And not to be a doomer but, there was a famous joke once: "When does a man know that a woman cheated on him? When she tells him". Literally impossible for guys to find out unless they are told one way or another. And there are very few girls who will tell. Once they realize they are too far gone - they start the process of detaching from you. For your anxious, medicated gf - this will probably be very easy, because she needs what she needs - comfort, love, security. And if she feels like another guy gives it now, a guy who isn't you - then she'll go fully for that guy. And that's why I think that there's a chance she already did things with other people and is only giving you breadcrumbs of the truth to relieve pressure on herself. You'd be surprised to find out how the person you trusted the most who you thought would not lie to you ever ever ever, actually did lie and hide and obfuscate the truth. The switch is immaculately easy for ladies - because so many options are open, and someone better is on the line. It's not much different from David Attenborough narrating his nature documentaries. The female seeks comfort, and in her pursuit - she is very selfish. After all, SHE is the one who makes the choice, not the males.
>>33587745>>33587792>>33588062>>335880683/3So, advice!I recommend that starting NOW, you prioritize yourself - you go out and get friends, you attend meetups, you honestly and sincerely give your time and your presence to others. You start forming meaningful relationships outside of her sphere. This is handy in general, but especially now - knowing that this relationship is on its last legs. You may not and probably won't get another girlfriend so quickly, but friends can really help dampen the impact of letting her go. If you ruminate alone at home you're going to suffer tremendously, knowing that her mouth is filled with the cum of whichever dude she went with, and she's sucking and swallowing it because she wants to please this man, because he's her new protector and source of comfort. And you'll sit there at home dick in hand, devastated. So whether this is heading for breakup or somehow not - I give you the very healthy and level headed advice of forming meaningful connections with new people outside of your current circles, so that you can survive this breakup, and that even if you don't break up yet - you feel the sadness less.I'm speaking from experience, ex of 5 years went on dating apps behind my back, detached from me, and finally left me for that man. I felt that something was going on, but didn't find out until way later. After a lot of weird bad feelings and moments and questioning her quite a bit.
>>33588062>>33588068>>33588070yeah thanksm i appreciate your concern and taking the time to write this. I'm really sorry to hear that whatever happened to you happened. That feeling when you know something's wrong but you just can't explain what is really difficult and the only thing worse is to actually get it confirmed... I appreciate the advice on prioritizing myself, i mean that's generally a good idea always, and it always pays off.You will think I'm crazy, but I genuinely don't think she has crossed a cheating/flirting boundary with someone else, ever. Of course, it's possible I'm wrong. And I'm sure that guys who think that their gf would never cheat end up being those who get cheated on but I don't think my girlfriend would cheat on me.The issue is the attraction part, the fact she feels like she's missing something in me, and it's a thing she doesn't know exactly what it is. Today she apologized to me profusely and always accepted responsibility for this. Again, you can all me crazy, but I genuinely don't believe she cheated on me, just is going through doubts in the relationship.
>>33588104>Again, you can all me crazy, but I genuinely don't believe she cheated on me, just is going through doubts in the relationship.Thanks for taking the time to reply OPI genuinely don't think that it matters if she cheated on you physically or not, because what I've come to find out from relationships on my own flesh, is that emotions and feelings is all that matters. The *inserted reason* for why she's not feeling it anymore, especially because it's her own feeling and something that she doesn't know exactly what it is, therefore it's hard for you to take any sort of actions to improve it - that's all capIt's a rationalization of her feelings, and I fell into this trap too. I analyzed why she went and seeked someone else, I tried to make it work with her, complaints changed by the day the more I delved into it - it started off with "I want kids now" turned into "I don't like how you sing so much" and other things like "you are too pushy" . She tried hard to give me something to work with so I can have something actionable to do so I can change her mind. But brother, her feeling is her feeling, at some point it's indisputable. And you'd be surprised to find out just how not different your situation is from others situations, there's most likely no exception for you, just delaying the inevitable. 1/2
>>33588104>>335881492/2I'm not saying to break up because I know how hard it is for a man who wants his relationship to work to just let it go, I tried until the last moment and only then I let her go. That's why I only gave you the advice of prioritizing yourself, because as far as I'm concerned and from what I'm reading, ESPECIALLY the part where she told you she feels that she's missing something and she doesn't know what it is - that this is the most blatant admission that interest has waned, that it is irreparable, and that you can't change her feelings because they are immutable at this point. So, although I wish you luck, and somehow someway maybe you are that special someone who's relationship works out - I still recommend to start with seeking the different avenues today. It will make your life so much easier long term, regardless of breakup or not, but especially with a break up.And if it helps I'm not American either, I'm dutch in the Netherlands
>>33588149>>33588150I really appreciate it, it's a level headed and realistic perspective on precisely what I'm struggling with: identifying is this just a rough patch of an otherwise good relationship or is it a deal breaker. i'm definitely excited about other things in my life and feel like I have a support network. I wish the best to you and that you took that experience and made the best of it <3 cheersp.s. i love the netherlands, i visit every so often because i have a friend from there, you lot are proper nice people and I always felt included when in company
>>33588162Cheers OP <3 I'm glad I could helpI write from real experience and I think that's what makes my advice valuable, it was a big life changing thing for me and now I'm still looking for a relationship for exactly 1 year but my perspective has changed entirely over what I'm looking for. I'm no longer pushing for a girl when she isn't showing genuine longer-term interest, I'm much more hands off now, and the key word for me it's reciprocity, as in interest from both parties. And the difference will stay once I enter a relationship too - I'm not going to be so adamant about keeping my person that I will fight for them tooth and nail like I did for my ex. That doesn't mean that my next gf is less special than my ex - that's just me coming to terms with the fact that fighting for a person who isn't that interested is fighting a losing battle, and it characterizes the rest of the relationship's life, and I want my life to be easy, not hard, you know? So that's why although it's been a year and I hate fapping and being alone, I don't just go for everyone. I really wish you good luck with sussing out whether it's a deal breaker or still repairable. From your write up it really sounds like a deal breaker to me because of the two facts: 1) that this happened twice on two uni trips and 2) that she feels like she lost attraction/interest in you and she doesn't exactly know why. With emphasis on not knowing why because that's the biggest indicator that her heart has moved on and any rationalizations won't help her or you to make this work, because she's checked outBut of course you give her the benefit of the doubt, and I hope for you that it works out, and I think that if it doesn't work out, remember this burn and become more focused on reciprocity with the next girl, and maybe tap into the belief that reciprocity has to remain consistent and if it isn't - be more nonchalant in your attitude when it comes to letting go.1/2
>>33588162>p.s. i love the netherlands, i visit every so often because i have a friend from there, you lot are proper nice people and I always felt included when in companyThanks for your kind words :DI feel the same way about the Netherlands, the people are so friendly and welcoming, always willing to switch to English and not making a big deal out of it, and they aren't nationalistic and hierarchical society like the Belgians or Germans haha, not to throw shade xD there are good things in those countries too.But I really appreciate it! And I wish you good luck. If you're wondering why I'm taking about dutch people in "they" it's because I'm naturalized dutch, but I love them all the same :) I'd be glad to discuss any other questions or experiences you feel like sharing, and best of luck to you!
>>33587745>she doesn't think it's genuine.The WHOLE point of BDSM is that it's a game of role-playing. If you really, truly wanted to cause her physical pain, or if you really felt disdain and contempt for her, it wouldn't be sex. It would be spousal abuse.
>>33587745'Your, girl most likely cheated already the first time and most likely the second time. You'll figure that out later, the whole ratting herself out thing where she admits to thinking about a guy is actually a trickle-truth to get you to stop sniffing for the truth of the matter. Dump her
>>33587818I was bullied from a young age and all throughout school. This gave me social issues which translated to general failures in life. I became afraid of people and of trying anything new. If I was in an emotionally challenging situation, which was a broad category for me, or even imagining one, I would get short of breath, arms would tingle, I would get lightheaded, then I would lose consciousness.I eventually realized that this is fucking lame and retarded and I didn't want to be some ineffectual faggot going to pieces and fainting over the slightest adversity in life. This also probably stemmed from being brainwashed into being a leftist in college, as I didn't develop the anxiety until post-brainwashing. Something about having a victim-centric view of the world, believing everything was out of my control, that "disorders" were almost virtuous, and even something as simple as fully trusting big pharma propaganda and quack doctors and psychoatrists all conspired to rob me of my agency and induce a psychosomatic fake and gay illness.I reclaimed my health and abilities by rejecting all of the worldviews that led to their initial and continued manifestation and berating myself into being a goddamn strong and competent man. One more thing that helped in the process is that I had an anxiety attack at work and they called an ambulance when I dropped unconscious. The EMT told me my blood was saturated with oxygen (99%) and that was likely causing the tingles and loss of consciousness. So I started holding my breath when my arms started to tingle or I started to shake and it massively ameliorated the physical effects until I got the mental aspect under control.
