my partner of ten years abruptly told me they were breaking up with me and moving out. he left a couple weeks ago.i didn't even know we had problems. he never talked to me about anything wrong. i supported him for 8 years, let him live with me asking nothing in return.he left. i feel like half of me went with him. i dont know what to do now. every day is pain.i thought we were spending the rest of our lives together, but now i feel like i've been betrayed by my closest friend.he says he left to work on himself. but he won't tell me if he wants to be with me in the future. i feel like i am in limbo because of that.
>>33601328Oh yeah that’s rough emotional pain. Sounds like you got emotionally assaulted by someone very fucked up, who may have even been masking this terrible part of them. To do it so suddenly, with absolutely no indication… are you sure there were signs, maybe you missed? Any new friends of theirs? Only time can tell now. Well you were betrayed. I couldn’t imagine the feeling, I feel horrible after month long flings end.. much less years..At the very least it sounds like this person owes you a lot more answers. That you may or may not get. So the best we can do is try to do the detective work ourselves and figure out where things went wrong.There is also the small possibility that, maybe this person did want a change, but they did or do care a lot for you, so they didn’t wanna hurt you, so they did it abruptly so as to minimize the discomfort of a protracted break up process after a years long relationship. Just some ideas.Anyway, the best piece of advice i can give is a lot of crying and listening to music, filling up my head with podcasts movies, hobbies and work to distract myself from the emotional pain, until it starts to simmer down. Sorry you have to deal with this..
>>33601370Thanks for the response, anon. I have indeed been listening to a ton of music - it's about the only thing i can manage to make myself do these days.there were signs that he was unhappy - but he kept saying there was nothing i could do to make him happier. i was at a loss. he was going to therapy to try to fix himself, but he just never wanted to discuss his feelings with me.he had a friend group that i was never allowed to be a part of - and that friend group is who helped him move, and give him a new job at this new place half way across the country. i suspect they never really liked me - which is why i was never allowed in. even though i was never given a real chance to get to know them and vice versa. i am fairly sure they were a large influence on his decisions. he moved to a new place to be surrounded by friends and start a new life - while leaving me completely alone.he is still kind of keeping in touch with me - but it's all very surface level discussion. even if i pour my heart out to him - all i get in return is "i'm sorry". it's really hard to deal with because i cannot get any real answers out of him.anyway, thank you again for replying the advice is very appreciated. i've been so sad lately, but today i'm reflecting on a lot of this and feeling more angry than sad. it's hard to understand how he could do this to me after all i have done for him.
>>33601328>i supported him for 8 years, let him live with me asking nothing in return.He sounds like a miserable, inconsiderate shit. Therefore he will probably want to come back at some point, because who's going to put up with him. What you must do starting now is forget him and find someone of better quality. Then marry after a three-month trial period.
>>33601521it's been so hard to even consider moving on. because i dedicated my life to him. we experienced so much together over a decade.imagining having to build that up with a new person is just overwhelming to me.
>abruptlythey were cheating.>He wants to work on himselfHe has been lying to you for years and doesn't respect you.
>>33601420So there were signs but he refused to open up.. yes that’s a red flag.. there’s tons of different things I could speculate on as to what made him unhappy. But if he was worth a crap he would and should’ve been able to communicate it to you.The friend group that you were never allowed to be a part of is a huge red flag to. That’s a shitty boyfriend thing to do, he should be comfortable with you knowing and being around his friends.And at the very least, you should’ve been able to look through it every now and again on his phone.And the short answers despite you pouring your heart out? It almost seems sociopathic. I wanna give this guy the benefit of the doubt. Did you ever abuse him? Refuse sex? Emotionally distant yourself? As of now, it sounds like you’ve been putting up with unfair BS for a long time just because you love him so much. Which itself is an unhealthy thing and can lead to a dynamic like this.It’s a very righteous anger, don’t dismiss it, let it flow and run its course.It’s a very crushing sadness I know. I would guess you have atleast 3 months of pure grief before you can even start climbing out of the hole.I’m going through a similar emotional pain.. there’s a girl im pretty sure im in love with and wanna marry, but i haven’t talked to her in a months and our relationship is basically on hold for the foreseeable future. Because she wants me to convert to her religion and that’s the only way it will work for her, but I don’t wanna.Anyway, here’s a song that might be cathartic for you. Thematically relevant. https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=KBZoL8wpZzUKeep your head up anon, we will make it through this hell. And make them regret the day they treated us terribly. By living an enjoyable life!
>>33601532Don’t worry about the romance part, that will come naturally at some point, just focus on building new friends and support groups, people that understand how to communicate their feelings and not exclude you from their friends and who they hang with.
that really sucks and im sorry it happened to youdon't wait, he'll do it againmy sad song at the moment is Modest Mouse - March Into the Sea
>>33601420Oh and one last thing, take solace in the fact that, whoever he ends up with next, their relationship will also fall apart, and he will continue to fuck up and cause his other relationships to fall apart, becauss desu says what happens when your nature is to be a shit person
>>33601328low self esteem man, all you could have said to him was "just because you want to work on yourself doesn't mean you have to isolate yourself. did you consider that I might want to make my own decision?"
>>33601328You need to full on block his ass 100% do not budge and communicate AT ALL! All communication from here on out is your accepting the fact that he can walk all over you and get away with it. It's going to be very hard to do. You will hurt an awful lot for quite a while. I'm sorry that you have to experience it but know in your heart that this person wasn't worthy of you and simply used you for 8 years. There is no forgiving that. Not in the future. Not ever. If you one day take him back, you're setting yourself up for another heartbreak in the future. He will do this again and you know it deep inside. It's okay to cry, be mad, swear and feel everything you're feeling so do it as much as you need. Going full no contact is the only way you're going to be able to move on in life. The sooner you come to realize that, the better you will be long term and the faster you can move on from this horrible person. I expect it to take 6 months to 1 full year to be at an acceptance level without you getting upset and dragging you down into a depressive cycle.
It's funny how women will do anything to give bad advice and make other women make the exact same mistakes they did. Women are insufferable bitches, specially 4chan roasties.
>>33601624well the thing about that is, we share a large friend group. and we do things online multiple times a week as a group. so unless i want to lose my friends, i cannot cut off all contact with him.>>33601632op here, i'm a dude you weirdo.
>>33601328maybe he decided to stop being gay
>>33601532>imagining having to build that up with a new person is just overwhelming to me.I hear you on this statement. I'm a dude and I feel the same way that you feel too after coming out of my last relationship with my ex girlfriend. It's been 7 months for me now and I still can't stomach looking and relating to another woman for me. I get looks all the time, but I literally just see right through everyone now like people don't exist. It took 6 months for me to move on. It's only been a month now where I don't get upset anymore or think about her constantly. But there will come a day in your future where you at least no longer think about him. As for what comes after that, I cannot help you because I'm at that stage of single life myself. It's foreign and very lonely. Good luck anon. Virtual Hugs.
>>33601634>i'm a dude you weirdo.You sodomize people and I am the weirdo, lmao
>>33601328>>33601420I'm sorry to hear that. If you want a perspective: I broke up with my ex for a very similar reason years ago. I bottled up my emotions a lot and when it seemed like it was spilling over I was afraid of it harming her when she was already dealing with a lot of her own issues and in our case we also had a lot of communication issues (we were both anxious inexperienced teenagers at the time). After a while of struggling I ultimately chose to walk out because I felt like we were going in circles and I was worried about dragging her down with me while I believed she deserved better. After that I spent years in therapy working on myself and relearning how to hold a healthy relationship. We haven't spoke since then but I still think about her from time to time and hope she's living a happy life. It might be a similar deal with your partner. I don't think it's your fault. A relationship requires two people and people usually have their issues. In an ideal world, we would be able to solve all of each other's problems, but sometimes its something only individuals can work through for themselves, and that can be especially rough for emotional issues. I think he needs time and space to process all of this... and separating his life and going out on his own path may have been his way of trying this, as painful as it sounds. Unfortunately life happens like that. Hopefully one day he will learn why abruptly leaving like that was wrong, because it harmed you, but for now it seems like he's in deep need of healing and sometimes you have to sit back and let life take its road while focusing on caring for yourself. There's not a lot to do but hope for the best.
you thought you were spending your life together but you weren't married?
>>33604324Thank you for the insight, anon. It's much appreciated.>>33604343we just never felt the need to get married? i dont know
>>33601328run after him and kiss him against his will with your tongue. he wll fall back in love with you and stay with u forever
>>33601420>even if i pour my heart out to him - all i get in return is "i'm sorry"is that something you often did? needy emotional partners are not easy to deal with, it could be that he was overwhelmed
>i'm a dude
>>33601328>i supported him for 8 years, let him live with me asking nothing in return.Why? Seriously, why? What were you getting out of this? That's not a partnership, that's you prostrating yourself in front of him and saying "please walk all over me as much as you like and I'll still love you for it". So he did; and he's now walked over you and out the door. There is a hard lesson to learn, here. Many people make the same mistake: they give too much in a relationship - give and give and give without being asked to - and then feel that it's unfair that the other person gives so much less than they do. And it would be unfair, if the other person had ever asked you to give that much. But they didn't; you chose to unilaterally, and then expected them to do the same, even though they never agreed to, or wanted that arrangement.The only way out of this is for you to start giving less. And you have to understand that *you* are the person who got yourself into this, and he is not to blame.Chances are he's not coming back. Find someone else, and don't make the same mistake again: make sure, this time, that the relationship is balanced. Don't keep giving in an attempt to manipulate the other person into giving back. It doesn't work.
