I am a complete raving narcissist of a person, and I have no idea how I got this far. I bleed my friends of all they're worth and then move on from the people who I built up connections with. I treat the people around me like dopamine generators, and I keep a constant rotation of them to make sure I *always* have my gratification. I've made up fake identities and used them to get real connections as someone I am not, and can never be, before leaving them behind like they never existed. I am a failure to my family, I hide away in my part of the house and nobody talks to me. I barely contribute to chores, let alone monetarily. I have been joining and ruining friend groups since I was a kid capable of talking on the internet. I am known in multiple spheres, big and large, only by the destruction I left in my wake. I have a trail of past names that I keep running from. I don't even know if it's too late to change. I want to be a better person than this but the idea of giving up my comforts for the greater good is terrifying. I want to be happy with what I have and I want to be comfortable in my own skin, but the idea of confronting the lies that I've built for myself and living honestly is unbearable. I feel like if I don't have my delusion, my life built out of false comforts, broken dopamine faucets, and "contributions" that I blew up even though they're worth nothing. I've taken credit for ideas that aren't mine just so my friends think I'm cool. I've lied to friends for literally no good reason just to keep it going.I need to be better, but I don't know what to do other than recognize how terrible I am.
Who is the greater good and what have they done to be called that? Who have they helped to be the greater good? There is a minority of people who do the good in a society and they leech off the goodwill of them until they die.
>>33642136The greater good? My friends and family. The people who want to see me succeed, and who are still here despite me being awful. They've helped *me.* It's not even just who they've helped- It's the fact they deserve more than a useless person in their lives taking up space and a spot in the budget. I want to be one of the people doing good because I want to contribute and be happy. I love the people around me and I don't want to keep using them for my own ends.
>>33642122Damn that's crazy. But at least you recognize how bad it is. My suggestion is to continue to monitor your own behavior and self-correct. It will likely to be hard to break old behavioral habits, but the. more you catch yourself doing it, the quicker it will become habit to try and stop yourself and consciously do better. I have a similar problem where I have had a mean streak since childhood, being unsympathetic and cruel to people suffering and making fun of people. I am able to overcome this by self-monitoring and trying to be nice to everyone, putting myself in their shoes and treating them as I would like to be treated.
>>33642150Kill the homeless. Theyre "taking up the budget" as well. If you kill enough you'll have recouped the cost more than one human life would cost 10 times over.
>>33642234Thank you. I'll definitely try to keep my actions in mind. I know there's no way to atone for the things I've done, but moving on feels too simple for me. I assume I shouldn't reach out to any of the people that I've fucked up with, for many it's been years since then.
>>33642122It’s never too late to change. To me it seems like you struggle with letting people know you long enough to know the real you and your vulnerabilities. That’s likely linked to some sort of trauma. I think therapy would be helpful and there’s no shame in doing that. It has improved my mental heath immensely. Second, I think you’re aware of behavior and realize that it’s making you feel like shit. I know the cycle is comfortable and familiar but it’s not doing you any good. People always feel the best when they’re doing something good for others. Try volunteering for a cause that stands out to you. You’ll meet good people along the way and you’ll feel good contributing to the betterment of society.
Be honest for once in your life
Sam vaknin. Thank me later.All else pales in comparison to his rhetoric about this
>>33642493I'm trying to be aware of it, but I'm scared of not seeing all of it. There's so much I've done and so many people remember me specifically as something that *happened* to them instead of someone they liked. >>33642504It's hard. I've spent my whole life lying and trying to be other people instead of me.
>>33642529People grow and change. That’s just life. I had friends that did some really shitty stuff to me in high school and college and that was over 10 years ago. I don’t think of them like that anymore. We were all really immature at that time and I forgive them. Nothing is permanent and you have the power to change the memories people will have of you into positive ones that they cherish. Learn to forgive yourself and start putting in the work to be better and happy. The people who you’ve wronged deserve that and you deserve to move on to a better chapter in your life.
>>33642122I know how you feel OP
>>33642529Think before the trauma when you were yourself. It was easy then.
>>33642122This unironically sounds like a skill you could use if you figured out an industry that would allow you to work for them. It sounds retarded, but being able to even play people like that for you to be in the position you were to fuck them over is itself a talent. I'm not saying its a good thing, but maybe using your "skills" in a more constructive manner would result in less destruction in your social life.
>>33643110It does sound retarded, because it is. Finger your butthole enough and it will make the same plop sounds your bullshit makes.
If you want respect you should deserve respect. I don't respect you with opinions like this. I choose more to a person than that kind of behavior
>>33642122what possessed you to come onto Yotsuba to declare this?
>>33643736Just wanted to scream into the void on a site that will never remember me. This thread will be forgotten because it's yet another terrible person spouting off their thoughts.>>33643110Yeah but I don't want to be this. >>33643263I agree I should deserve respect instead of faking the conditions.
>>33643743>Just wanted to scream into the void on a site that will never remember me. This thread will be forgotten because it's yet another terrible person spouting off their thoughts.that doesn't add up to being a true narcissist/sociopath. They wouldn't give it a second thought, what you're doing. It would be the natural state of the world.the way you're describing it is more like a personal vice. You see it as filling a void, not the realization of your goals the way a real narcissist would. Deep down you either know you're harming yourself, or harming others in the process.What are you doing here? You keep hiding inside from everyone and are actually just covering your fear of the world. Why don't you just stop it? You come here, facing your fear even just a little bit to proclaim to a bunch of randos on the net that you don't like things. The little part of you that hasn't drowned or permanently harmed others wants you to stop. Then you wouldn't have to keep doing it.
