I could use some advice. I've been thinking a lot about breaking up with my gf of a little over a year. I've been feeling this way for a few months, and tried my best to resolve it or ignore it but I just feel dead inside when it comes to her.She's really done nothing wrong to me, she treats me well, cares about me very much, and we have a decent time together, but we just don't click. Shes enamored with me but being with her feels so distant and disconnected, I fake my way through most interactions just to keep her happy and hope that something will spring from inside myself.Ive tried for a few months now sharing experiences togther, expanding our shared interests, having better conversations, etc but shes just not really on the same wavelength as me. She also has some really bad self esteem and abandonment issues, especially with men, and not only does that constantly result in her breaking down, having depressive episodes with me having to pull her out of it, but it makes it that much harder to just end things cleanly.I'm just not sure how to tell her I'm just not that in to her and I'd rather break up than fake it longer and hurt her more, without completely destroying her sense of self, I am more or less the only thing in her life she loves and cares about, I feel guilty to take that from her.
>>33649517What has held you back from just telling her exactly what you said here>"You're just not that into her, you don't feel a connection, you're faking it"
>>33649601I mean i've been telling her for a year that I love her, planning out a future all that. I have tried. I really wanted to grow feelings and build a relationship, i've been fighting myself for months about it. I do genuinely care for her and love her in a way, just not the romantic desire way that I think I should for a long term commitment. I feel like just 180ing on her without some kind of catalyst event like a fight or a disagreement, would just come out of left field and really really really hurt. I don't even know how I would bring it up
What the other anon said. You should also make a point of saying she’s been a great gf and person and that it’s just on your end. “It’s me not you,” except it’s actually true here. >>33649614Why would you tell her you love her if you don’t? I swear all the worlds problems can be solved by two things: >telling the truth always, and>taking responsibility for oneself.
>>33649620You're absolutely right and I made poor decisions out of fear and fatigue mostly.I told her I loved her, because I genuinely wanted to, I still do. And also because honestly I still doubt if I even know what love is. Ive had a long string of miserable relationships with women who have always treated me horribly, and this one was the first who was genueinly good in every way. Even though the feelings werent there, and the connection and chemistry was off, It felt like it would be worthwhile to grow the relationship and see where it went because I had finally found a stable, loving, supportive partner.And she still is stable, loving, kind, giving. She thinks the world of me. But we just are on different levels, its hard to communicate or feel understood with her. I feel like I initiate all conversation, activities, Im constantly managing her feelings, correcting her, raising her like a daughter, rather than having a connection with her like a mature intelligent adult partner.Even now I dont really know if I want to end it i just figure love is supposed to be different than this, but I don't have a good enough baseline becaue I've never had anything good before to compare it to. But If I continue to just feel constantly like I'm alone, im the only adult in the relationship, that she doesnt understnad me, that she doesnt have the capacity to understand me, that we dont connect, and she doesnt really hold my interest, I can't be in love right?
>>33649697You okay dude? You came into this with a decision and it took two posts to back out of it and question yourself. Maybe that more of the problem than anything
>>33649517>>33649697So what's your intention after the break up? How is it gonna make your life any better with her gone out of your life? Everyone here is going to judge your relationship but I'm going to judge your goals here.
>But we just are on different levels, its hard to communicate or feel understood with her. I feel like I initiate all conversation, activities, Im constantly managing her feelings, correcting her, raising her like a daughter, rather than having a connection with her like a mature intelligent adult partner.Tell her this. If willing to introspect, give it a few months.Else, break up.How the fuck is this rocket science?
>>33649854I mean it's just been a struggle. I want it to work badly, and Ive been trying to force it, ignore it, or solve it for months but I just feel really guilty and like im wasting her time. I don't know why I don't feel the way I want to with her, I can just point to things in our relationship where I feel unfufilled and see that they arent changing for the better.>>33649902I guess my intention would be to take some time to get my head straight, figure out what I actually want and need, and try again to find someone who is just as good but fits me better, where I don't have to force it or feel like I'm settling. To actually be with someone who I feel I connect with, and is still just as good as her.I guess the benefit to my life would be I wouldnt constantly have to wrestle with these thoughts and feelings, that I could feel at peace with someone and feel fufilled by a relationship rather than feel like I'm constantly trying my hardest to rationalize staying in one.The risk of course is that I don't find someone better, or I find someone worse and realize I was lucky to have a girl that at least cared and made my life easy, even if there wasn't much more to it than that.
>>33649951I have talked to her a bit about it recently, and she has been trying it seems, but its like, It just doesnt seem to feel any different. It feels like a big missed high five being with her a lot of the time, and that while shes good and loyal and kind, we're just not clicking. Except I know on her end she thinks we are, and its just really going to destroy her, especially after she thinks shes been putting in effort
I think a lot of people here are incels so they either sperg out at you when you mention you have a girlfriend OR they tell you to keep the thing going because they don't know what a relationship is like and they think every relationship is (or should be) salvageable, mostly because they think ANY female companionship is worth having, rather than having no companionship at all.If you're having to rationalize or force yourself into staying then you're probably not that into her, no matter how much you might care for her as a person.That's another thing these people don't understand, you can break up with someone without hating them. It's just that you can't really force yourself or rationalize loving someone. But it doesn't mean you have to hate their guts before breaking it off.It will hurt her now though, but there's not much that can be done. It's better to get it over with now rather than later. Every single day you spend with her will make breaking things off harder in the long run. And there's no way to "prepare" her for the breakup. You already lied to her for all this time, so it can't come out as anything but a shock. Unless you deliberately act like an asshole for no reason, but that's worse. You just have to realize that the damage is done, all you need to do now is gather the courage to tell her the truth.
>>33650018I get that. Its very back and forth. To be honest when I'm with her its better, but I spend most days I'm alone just ruminating about it in my head and it sucks. I wanted to give her some time to try and change some things, and give myself more time to figure it out, but youre right I dont want to lead her on. I just kind of figured it would make more sense for her to wait for another one of her meltdowns or something and use that as a "final straw" So at least she can rationalize it, but now that seems cowardly. I dont know man I hate this shit. I wish I just wasnt broken and could feel happy and grateful.
>>33649517don't feel guilty, it's normal. if you're a healthy male, you should be wanting more than a gf who you aren't even crazy about anymore1. there's nothing like The Chase™2. the best pussy is new pussythe easy and cowards way out is to increasingly behave distant/like an asshole til she gets fed up and leaves on her own.
>>33650175Thank you for that. What would you say to the fear that there will never be a gf I stay crazy about? Is it possible im just going to make myself a perpetual victim of grass is greener? I really thought this girl was gonna be it.
>>33650195a woman who's very, truly in love with you is better in the long run that a woman you're crazy about (see also : BPDemons). Anyway, unless you're 45 or something, have some fun and explore. there are billions of women out there anon. there very well may be some women who you'll fall in love with and who will reciprocate.If you can tolerate the guilt and complexity, you can also keep her around and get a side-piece.
