It’s been three weeks since my girlfriend broke up with me. She starting to take down things that we’re together or stuff that’s related to me, but still wears my promise ring I gave her what’s are the chances of her coming back context, she broke up with me because I told her I hated her when we had our final argument plus throughout the relationship I would always question her about things, even though she was pretty honest about stuff but I didn’t believe her. I would also just make her feel like she walking on eggshells. Throughout the relationship even at the beginning I was honest on that’s the type of person I was even though that wasn’t correct at the end of the relationship I told her I would change cause I would rather change that lose the relationship which have been taking steps to not be a insecure person now she didn’t believe me. Don’t really know what else to say. This is my first time posting on here after like three years which is funny cause we we have been in a relationship for almost 4 also she was my first everything and I was her first also never was to fond of relationships she’s Catholic also I haven’t contacted her in like a week and will continue not too but she has reached out to me about some stuff about her life but the first day I did cry begging so maybe that wasn’t a good idea my apologies for sounding so schizo
>>33658565It's odd to me how accurately you describe your toxic behaviors in the relationship.Sounds like you are making this up.
>>33658610I’m just aware that wasn’t a very good person and that it’s 90% my fault since the beginning of the relationship and was honest about how toxic I was to her and she would always try to solve it but at the end she had enough I just never thought she would stop trying but i understand I need to change but I should have changed sooner I’m just self aware she never wanted to change until now
>>33658565>she broke up with me because I told her I hated herThat relationship was already broken. I'd have told either of you to break of with the other after what you said. You clearly had a reason to say that, and regardless of whether it's justified, there's no future in a relationship where you feel that way.I'd bet your desire to keep her is more about habit and inertia than your actual long-term wants, so the best thing you can do at the moment is give yourself space and occupy your time with other things. Break the habit, basically, and relearn what it's like without her.Then, once you've done that, learn self-control and basic respect in a relationship. Honesty is good, but that doesn't mean people will put up with honestly unpleasant behavior or outright attacks. If you can't do that, you are unlikely to ever find a lasting and fulfilling relationship.
>>33658646Yeah your right I do want to have her cause of the habit it’s hard when it’s your first cause you talked about kids marriage and where we would move in and travel next and thinking of doing of that with another person makes me feel like not a loyal person also cause I’m getting old but if I do take the steps to change can a relationship still be saved?
>>33658674After literally saying you hate someone? I don't think there's any coming back from that.Is it always the case? No. But as I said, for you specifically, I don't think your attachment is healthy.
>>33658683Okay just wanted to know but I’ll just keep trying to better and obviously my attachment towards her needs to change but it’s only been 3 weeks so I’ll get better any other advice? I also feel awful losing my virginity to someone I didn’t end up marrying it makes me feel weird
>>33658695Try killing yourself
>>33658695You’re fucked
>>33658565>>33658625Not that guy you were going back and forth withI hate to be the guy to give this kind of advice, because honestly I'm just as lost as you are, but the right thing to do, truly, is to be happy with your life even when a partner isn't in it. Making a life that is exciting and fun without a partner is a very difficult thing to do, and requires a lot of action and overcoming your own fear and laziness on your part, but once you do it - not only will you be happier which is always good, but you will also have less issues with losing your partner, because you aren't wholly dependent on them. This helps in shifting the balance of power away from woman having all of the power and you being super scared to lose her (which is the core of where all your problems are coming from).I'm telling you this as a dude who's single for over a year now after a 5 year relationship where she cheated on me. It's really important to be your own person. I've let go of my expectations about women and I do get them once in a while still and I get super disappointed, but it's also more attractive when you lose your hope and expectations, because then suddenly you're inviting and letting any connection in, which is awesome. I hope I will get a gf soon but we'll have to see about that.
>>33658965 You are so right man it’s just like I said it my previous message I wasn’t really a big relationship person in the first place so I never really was looking I’m just scared it might not happen cause I didn’t even expect us to be together in the first place I’m just scared of losing the person I wanted to truly build a future with and I even gave my virginity which for some people it’s not really important but for me it takes a huge amount of vulnerability to trust someone like that so it’s not that I need a women I just need her but maybe that’s a lie it’s just confusing cause its my first and I’m sorry you got cheated on that must be the worst feeling imaginable that’s the type of thing I’m scared of getting into any relationship in the first place how did you find out and did you suspect anything before that?
>>33658965Also I never want to lose hope or expectation but maybe I do need to work on being happy on my own without her
>>33658565First and foremost. Go forgive your mother, say you are sorry for resenting her and that you understand now that she couldn't help yourself. Then just leave it at that. Don't take her bait or argue when she will act like she never did any wrong with raising you or if she gets mad/offended.The reason you are like this is because you never knew how to handle or set boundaries with women because of your mother. She mustve don't something growing up that made you neurotic about your gf. (You got this effeminate neurotic, ppl having to walk on eggshells around you personality from your mother)
>>33659036Oh you’re so right but my mom and I are good but she does have severe anxiety so that might’ve gotten pushed on to me but I don’t blame her cause she probably has a rough childhood but how do I get rid of it is the real question how do I stop that and also what do you mean by not being able to set boundaries I think I set to many boundaries maybe handling boundaries is the problem
>>33659065>but my mom and I are goodWhat's that got to do with anything? Go forgive her and apologise for resenting her over pushing her anxiety onto you .That fact you are hesitating to do it (confronting your mother) just shows you will always have this issue with future women because you are now the one walking on eggshells afraid to offend her. And remember, she is the one in your life who should love you regardless if you offend her or not. You're making excuses that maybe her childhood was this or that. Fuck that lol. If you are afraid to confront your mother then you will always have this issue of being this toxic simp who is paranoid about their gf/wife.Then go forgive your dad for not being strong enough to protect you from your mother's neurosis. (He will be more understanding). If they aren't togehter it just goes to show he couldn't handle it himself.
>>33659103When I said my mom and I are good we have talked I have been mad at her but never resented her for pushing her anxiety on to me cause even then I knew it wasn’t her fault but she trying to get better she even going to therapy and everything and I join in with her sometimes and I do confront of stuff she’s not changing and she’s been doing better so no need to bash someone that’s genuinely changing and my mom and dad are still married but why bash my parents they love me and are there for me when no one else is they won’t get offended if I talk about my feeling but I’m 27 man like I dealt with the childhood trauma talk when I was in high school doesn’t mean there no need to talk about it but now it’s time to talk about how can I solve it how can be less toxic less anxious
>>33659007I also took my ex's virginity and before her I only had one girl for not too long because it was an LDR and I saw the other girl only several times, so essentially my first real relationship too.They are special, but also, it is a fact of life that they want to move on for one reason or another. So you must rely on yourself now, and you got this man.The biggest indicator that there was cheating was that I felt a resentment from her when nothing was wrong, and we started having less sex. Something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. The lessons I came up with afterwards and the core things I follow now are three:1) I will always have friends and meet new people, even when I'm in a relationship, so that I always have my own safety net and feel that I have friend options besides just my partner2) reciprocity is the key word while I'm looking for a partner and beyond - if the other person doesn't want me equally as much as I do, and they aren't putting in the effort - it's not worth to fight for respect. You won't get it by asking, you only get this if they decide to give it on their own3) look at people actions, not their words, because a lot of people lie and evil people exist, this is your indication for when to let go and how to act with others>>33659016I know, I was the same. I said: "I can't let go of the thing that literally makes me happy and I want most", and I'll be honest with you - expectation and hope never truly goes away, it's at the core of me and you. But you will come to realize with time that you are much less attractive, and also attract the wrong types of connections and people - when you expect things. It's gay af, but it literally works.Every fucking week I'm disappointed, and every week I experience ego death due to not getting a meaningful connection, THEN suddenly someone nice enters my life.And keep/start going to meetups. I recommend meetup.com, I started with hiking groups and they were EVERYTHING for me.
>>33659219Yeah I really need friend im friendless and they would really help and I don’t think online friends are good but is it hard to find true friends at 27 but overthinking is my problem also I’ll just try but thank you for the website after the month ends and the thing you said about every week being disappointed I use to have such I negative mindset and not expect much even when I was in the relationship so I’m confused when I should start expecting good things and think positively maybe I’m confusing positivity with expectation
>>33659280Online friends aren't emotionally satisfying therefore aren't good, I'm speaking from my own personal experienceTo add to this, I'm 29 and I was a hermit until this March when I started going out, overthinking and anxiety and thinking that I cringed or that I bothered someone or that I'm not worthy of being outside in this society are also thoughts and feelings that plague me constantly. Constantly. I just realized that I'm going to feel them anyway so I might as well do it. I started with hiking meetups, you can always focus on the walk so there's no pressure for social interaction. Nature literally builds up mental resilience and gives so much happiness if you go there enough and consistently. Then I moved on to board game meetups, d&d meetups, meaningful conversation evenings, picnic with strangers, meetup at a bar with strangers, dinner with strangers, salsa workshop with strangers, improv workshop, a fuckload of hiking because let me tell you hiking isn't just nature you also do stuff like go for drinks afterwards and go to castles and busy city centers and events in the city together and I did wine tasting with them and had bbq on a boat like, so so so many experiences, and for those moments I finally could feel like a guy who has friends. Just for a little bit. And once in a while I met a person who genuinely liked me and they asked for my number and invited me to stuff, and boy let me tell you it's so fucking excellent. Be open to connection with guys, not just girls, but also girls. And try your best not to expect, as much as you can. Every time I was too assertive with a girl I got disappointed. Anyway. Best of luck to you brother I'm still here for chatting and sharing experiences <3
>>33659398Thank you for this man I might even get off the internet for a while just for the sake of it too but I hope you we both find some peace in our life and thank you for your advice man I’ll be sure to come back here when I genuinely feel satisfied with my life and I’ll have you to thank be safe
>>33659495no problem brother, I'm glad you found it useful and I'm even more happy I could helpif I can give one more piece of advice - I found that taking things away (my computer, my phone, my internet), never helped me. I always just found something else, like laying down doing nothing. being depressed doing nothing. trying to draw or play guitar for a bit and then nothing. and just nothing.so what I understood is that, I shouldn't take away the things that currently give me dopamine and keep me satisfied, what I should do is ADD things on top of all the things I already do, and that naturally takes away time from the things I love doing like gaming and cooming and reading threads and replying to shit and being a complete indoors degenerate who just lays down and does nothing.If you take away things you enjoy -> try to do things = always failed for metry to do new daring things like those meetups -> I naturally start doing the satisfying dopamine hobbies lessdon't vilify the internet, or your games, or your cooming or anything else that keeps you happy in the moment. Understand that It's actually a positive short-term, it really helps you to still be sane and have a safe space while you do all these new things. I am speaking from experience.1/2
>>33659495>>336597032/2When I was young I did things like getting off the PC/internet for half a year, then switched to my phone so I got off my phone completely for 3 months as well, it didn't work dude.I did go outside but most of the time I was indoors just suffering.You have ZERO motivation because you go from having so much satisfaction to having nothing, with the satisfaction you still don't have motivation but you still have moments of motivation throughout the day. And in those moments - get into meetup.com, see a meeting that you like, and rsvp for it. Then add it to your calendar and go on that day. Tell yourself - I'm going to this. I decided.and that worked for me because honestly I'm only productive for like 5 minutes a day at most.So yeah man, I hope It's helpful and the message was really long so had to split it into two. Remember to just introduce new things rather than take away existing things. the existing things keep you placated and satisfied, and also drag you down, but It's leagues better than taking them away, leagues better. Best of luck to you again bro and thanks for the nice words and appreciation <3
>>33659708>and that worked for me because honestly I'm only productive for like 5 minutes a day at most.I forgot to finish this sentence, I'm only productive for like 5 minutes a day at most beyond my school work so when I get that little tingle that "I can do something productive" I use that time to check meetup and RSVP for an event, or to send an email to some hobby I want to start (but that's advanced stuff, start with the meetups)
>>33658683One time I told a girl that for all I cared, she could die. I never came back from that.
