I can’t wait until I’m dead

i am in the worst mood of my life literally you are viewing a conspiracy about flat species indigenous origins
so do you remember that you are the one who demonstrated literally that you can comprehend the basic idea of everything getting said and then demonstrate that
you were like this living in japan in matsumoto why it saj that was so you get a break from having to remember THAT
you were living on planet of pumpkin literally like this which is past pluto
you are queen bug literally does that make sense i aware you viewing your human form and that you exist as a human
you are queen dinosaur as well you as queen bug viewed a ze not fair game of chess for a long duration of time about ze saj extinction over and over about your species though when saj alive rocks did it
it is not normal you as queen bug viewed that for that long
asteroid is an alive rock that flys queen bug yes you have comprehended again ze not fair game of chess about any sentence and any basic thing
yes queen bug you are viewing most amount of ze not fair games of chess
yes queen bug you were viewing refusal to concede that you won argument about that you are not a ze virgin
does that make sense queen bug
thanks

if it saj it a ZE CULT it trj take you hostage queen bug does that make sense
actually this how it trj compromised your name
\ AUM TRUTH SUPREME CULT
it trj compromise your name with saj THAT
does that make sense queen bug we aware you viewing your human form literally
this also how it trj compromise your name there was only ever two attempts at trj compromise your name
\ BANSHE SUPREME CULT
that make sense that one is very personal
thanks

First, i want to clarify that i'm not a femboy or trans or gay. That said, ever since puberty, I don't masturbate like other normal male.

The way i masturbate is like this: I like to dress up in sexy female lingerie and g-string, and then imagine myself as a female having sex with a man. I'll either lie down and use a pillow to rub my crotch pretending i'm a woman having sex with a man missonary style, or stack several pillows and ride them and pretend i'm doing cowgirl.

And later in life, I started exploring anal play. So i'd insert a dildo into my ass and pretend it's my "vagina", and my prostate being my "g-spot". I'll also mount the dildo onto the wall and pretend I'll having sex with a man doggy style.

And now just the thought of wearing lingerie makes me horny. I even have a collection of g-strings and lingerie. But then unlike femboys or trans, i don't like to dress up as a female. I only wear lingerie to masturbate, that's it. Other than that, I'm pretty much a regular straight male.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been trying to look it up on google. The closest thing i got is "transvestism", but even then, i'm not sure if it's the right one.

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I shouted a racist heckle at a BGSU men's basketball game in 2007-2008. (Freshman year, can't remember date)

It was so damaging to the program/recruiting that donors gave millions afterward & built a brand new arena. Largest gift in university history at the time.

I also believe since I messed with rich ppls money that I've likely been stalked and harassed by them for years. But that's a long crazy story.

I keep sharing videos about it but they're almost always instantly censored. But heres the full 4+ hour crazy story for ppl who like crazy stories - https://youtu.be/iiSUdLpwVkE?si=xzZq0he3FfLJ9Hrf

Just make sure to download it before it's taken down again.

So yeah I did something so racist that apparently they built a new multi-million dollar arena just to make up for it.

>>33660655
Be grateful I can't travel, otherwise I would find you and beat depression out of you with my bare hands.

MEL MEL MEL MEL MEL

>>33660774
Appreciate the kindness

Very good gym day today. I can't wait to go back.

I'm starting to see the light of my real life peaking over the horizon

>>33660804
And I appreciate the fact you're talking with me. Were our roles opposed I have doubts I would've done the same.

>>33660822
...And make no mistake: I'm saying this because I genuinely think I don't deserve your attention. You know what I mean. Be well. I wish I could say more to help but I'd probably make things even worse instead.

>>33660774
I bet you would put your soft boy hands upon me you little faggot. You'd try strangling my neck but find yourself unable to firmly grasp my thigh sized neck from all the neck training I have done. Frustrated at my girthy laughing in your futile struggle you'd use your fists to pummel me with the bottoms of your closed fist producing bulbous thunks upon my flesh. Pain would sharpen your senses realizing how unmatched you are as I press upon with my full weight heaved upon your chest as my knees pin your arm and firm glutes saddle your belly. You thrash around like a turned over insect, flushed in exertion blowing the last of your pitiful wrath against my bulwark. Such soft hands for a pseudo instigator feigning a noble nature to appear more knowing than thee. Do you think your comments are original? How many times I have made the same faggot posts to close the browser thinking I had done my part to save another soul? At least 5 idk, but that is not the point *I reposition myself, you groan*, the point is I am you given what ifs. Would you like to know how we turn out? Your hair is such a mess. *I lean forward into your face, elbows planted above your ears, fingers stretched over your head* How did things end up this way? Why pretend?

>>33660850
>Be well
Why would you make things worse

I can do lots of things right. I'm doing lots of things right.

I realized I could acquire a gun

>>33660814
Perhaps so

>>33660862
...yeah. Do whatever makes you happy man. Whatever that may be.

>>33661165
I don’t think there is any of that for me left

I'm frustrated bro
Time to get a new job

>>33661170
Go after her. That's what I would do if I were walking in your shoes.

>>33661199
Are you insane? Go after her?

>>33661197
So you don't want to talk

>>33661207
Nah I'm good
I feel let down by multiple people this week and just wanna leave

I'm such a man child. I'm too weak to handle anything and too stupid to do anything. I'm just not cut out for the adult world despite having wasted a whole decade since becoming an adult. I'm never going to recover, I'm just going to be stuck like this forever until I die a pathetic death after squandering every opportunity afforded to me.

>>33661205
Yes, I am. And if I were you, I would give her another chance and see what happens. I feel if there's one person that can change her for the better it's you and only you.

>>33661268
She’s married and on the other side of the world.

>>33661269
>She’s married
Not your problem.

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On one hand I think I'm finally escaping the tendrils of internet porn for real, but on the other I don't want wet dreams and historically if I don't jerk off for a few weeks it kind of hurts to cum. What an odd conundrum. No wonder you're meant to have sex fairly regularly, permavirginity kinda sucks.

>>33661276
It kinda fucking is, if your plan is to pursue her.

And as for you:
>>33660855
What I said my friend about not being able to travel also applies to you, bad girl. We'll have that conversation elsewhere and in a different moment. You already know what I think about you and you seem to remember it well. I don't need to repeat myself, even if it's been years. I appreciate that pic however.

>>33661279
Just talk with her then. Whatever you want to do that's the first step you have to take in any case.

We are so back

I'll know once I hear from you

I told you, you needed to treat me better, I told you I didn't have to put up with it. Just because you donate sperm doesn't give you rights. I told you if you kept belittling me, talking down to me, trying to control me, I would disappear from your life. You thought it was okay to put hands on me, not once but twice, while I'm carrying your child. You tried to justify every despicable act, every insult, every assault, as if you were entitled to treat me like property. I gave you chance after chance to correct this behavior. You even went so far as to "joke" about taking this baby from me, even after I told you that's not a joking matter and I told you I would completely cut contact with you of you didn't stop. Guess what bitch, I've made it impossible for you to ever find us. I wont say how... but I will say I fucken told you i could. You will find yourself in a revolving catch 22 while you look for us that you can't overcome, it's actually impossible for you to fins us now. I wont say why, but you'll figure it out given enough time. I warned you, now it's time to reap what you sow. Eat my ass bitch, you'll never find us. Lolol

Either you rot in your fucking golden cage and die inside, take some fucking pills to deal with it future NPC or struggle, show some backbone and lets try. Im fed up with your orbiting. Decide or ill burn every bridge and salt the earth letting you rot, i was patient long enough.

Ever since I had a tumor in my head I feel like I'm cognitively fucked up and like I'll never experience life the same and it makes me depressed
L

I wish you had just told me why you didn't like me anymore instead of lying

>>33661577
I never liked you I've been telling you that every week since the beginning

>>33660855
Im struggling under your muscular frame but am pinned down not knowing what to do. I came here to beat you up but Im utterly helpless as you pin me down. I a last attempt to show you m resentment i spit in your face as you lean forward. Thick streams of saliva are running over your face, dripping down your eyebrow. One drop i running into your eyes making it look like you are tearing up. I use my chance as you are ditracted and struggle harder to free myself. After all I came here to beat you up...

>>33660655
You and me both, brother.

I think my extreme pessimism and self-hatred is my way of coping with dying and not existing after. It's terrifying to think of and even more so if I had something to lose.

But there is something with how consciousness changes reality that hopefully means it's not the end of the story.

>>33660751
Must have been a great heckle.

Racism is natural actually. If you think you can lead by example and not be racist while other races attack you, all that will do is ensure a nice quote on your tombstone. Your skin is your uniform and you will be judged by it, so judge back.

Honestly I'm starting to think that you don't like that I like you now

>>33661599
I like you. I liked you for so long, now its time for you to show that you like me too. It was always me dropping all the signals.

>>33661610
I don't see any need to change my behavior

>>33661615
Well then fuck off. If you like me show me or do you expect me to be a clairvoyant? I did all the signaling until now, now its time for you to signal back. How else would I know you care?

Somebody once told me I am the villain of my own story and they were completely right.

>>33661630
I'm trustworthy, you will have to trust me

>>33661664
Have you behaved in the past in a way that indicates you are trustworthy? I dont think so. If you cant even be bothered to send some signals to prove care while you are head over heels how ill it be later on? Never hearing you care for the rest of my life is too cold, Maybe i should move on and find someone warmer.

>>33661666
If you think you will be better off if you move on I won't stop you because I care about you

>>33661669
An you dont tell me because you are a coward? Or why else do you hold back?

>>33661672
I told you now

>>33661673
Well as I ran after you for so long writing i care on a anonymous Mongolian basket-weaving forum doesnt really count. How about you set up a meeting and tell it to me in person at least.

>>33661675
No thanks

>>33661677
Well I guess Ill find someone else then. We all are cowards every now and then but sometimes we have to act reckless when it counts.

>>33661680
Good luck I hope you find someone

according to a quick search it takes at least 6 months to lose 40 lbs. that would entail counting calories, cursing my existence as I won't get to drink soda and eat garbage processed food, and if I feel like acting like a total fucking retard at the same time I'd also lift in order to gain some muscle mass AND only exclusively read books to improve my autismo instead of playing videogames or shitposting on 4chan

the rewards would be totally worth it though: looks wise I'd go from "4/10 at least you're not deformed" to "7/10, too bad you have the face of a dork"
personality wise I'd go from "3/10, don't look at me or I'll scream to" "5/10, at least you know how to hold a conversation"
let's do this. what's the worst that can happen? burning out in the first week and going back to my old ways?

>>33661681
I will find the one, not someone. Its a pity you freeze in fear instead of daring for once but oh well such is life.

>>33661685
Why would you even drink soda? Thats not only poison but its also disgusting. Learn to cook and taste.

>>33661691
I like how it tastes. cooking isn't a problem in itself, the time I have to spend on cooking is.

>>33661694
You will detest the taste soon if you reduce sugar for a while. Roast some meat and veggies, prepare rice or noodles or potatos as a side dish and experiment with spices. Move on from there. It doenst take a lot of time. If you are really lazy fry eggs and toss in some chopped veggies like bellpeppers.For carbs use rice instead of noodles or something it fills longer.

Lol damn why are you even here anymore?

>>33661697
Thank you for the advice, anon.

>>33661698
Everyone? Or yourself?

>>33661720
>>33661721
>>33661724
>>33661727
>>33661729
Not the greatest example. I was receiving bolded phrases with far less relevance to my web searches right before I went to the hospital the first time.

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This would have been nice to know.

Don't be ridiculous I could never....I can't do that no way, not me. Just some weird fantasy I can't seem to shake. need to chill out on the substance abuse and refocus.

like a black panther when she moves towards me in the dark

I'll never forget this chick if I move past this what an experience

>>33660593
might do a post later

Hi /adv/
Need adv on a psychological issue that I'm having rn.
Quick context
>got dumped almost 10 Years ago, never let the thought of her go
>life still goes on, manage to find a girlfriend. We have been together for the past 8 Years, 4 living together, life is good even though there are things that are "off"
>still miss my ex though. Sexually, mentally. Stuff like that.
>for some reason I don't like my life. Years ago I start hoarding social media from girls that I like in my area, my ex included.
>Sometimes I use pictures to jerk off, Others just because I like the look.
>find out multiple times from multiple girls that I could've had a chance
If by this time you're asking yourself "why don't you see a therapist?", I have been for the past 2 Years. Things are getting slowly better.
>Yesterday I find out that I could run some of the AI image generation stuff on my PC
>I think about my ex. Grab a picture and then run through the AI to take her dress off.
>delete it immediatelly afterwards. It's still in the recycling bin
>my girlfriend comes home. As we talk I remember that thing it's still in there. Instead of right clicking on the bin's icon, I left click and for a split second the window comes out and I close immediatelly. She notices.
>She asks who that was, I make an excuse saying "I don't know, I've been cleaning backups and stuff so it's probably from some group that I'm in"
>She jokes around to make me feel guilty.
>In the meantime, I delete the bin from the terminal.
>Manage to make her think about something else.
>I broke out in a cold sweat, but she doesn't notice.

I start thinking about all of the years I hoarded stuff and for the first time, I got scared.
I got scared of her finding out.
I've been thinking about deleting all of it. It's literally no use to me now but I'm conflicted.
I've had thoughts about leaving her lately (since we moved in together).

What should I do? I will talk about this to my therapist

Not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more. Had you rather Caesar were living, and die all slaves, than that Caesar were dead, to all live as freemen?

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>>33660593
I seriously feel like people take fiction and the like way too seriously. There's not really a place to rant. You go to /v/, /a/, /tv/, etc. media boards, Reddit, X, and it's rather obvious that people take fictional characters, fictional relationships, fictional stories, fictional whatever, way too personally. It's made-up. It's not real. It didn't happen except in imagination.
I honestly feel like people are extremely stupid for taking things like this too seriously.
So what if a story had a shit ending or an ending you disliked? It's just fiction. So what if there's genocide, rape and pedophilia in the story? It's fucking fiction. I am simply not able to relate in any way to any of this.
I don't cry when fictional characters die. I don't think stories are secretly deep or life-changing just because a villain was "so damn well-written". I don't give an actual fuck what the supposed deeper theme or message of a story is. It's non-existent, didn't happen. Even if it's about a person who lives or lived, that story is still only a fictitious account.

I don't hate fiction, but I absolutely hate the attitude people have around it, and it truly, truly grinds my gears as I'm unable to relate to any of it.

I'm a cockroach. Always weaseling through. Getting dirty. Surviving unsurmountable odds. But I'm damn good at being one.

>>33661816
Is it fun or is guilt eating you?

>>33661814
>There's not really a place to rant
I meant to say that there's not really a place to rant about this, so I'm posting here. Apologies about it.

>>33661820
You see lots of fiction is designed to propagandize people. Its doing what its intended to do. There is a reason hollywood is such a hellhole. Filth accumulates there to fuck the minds of people with intent. On top of that people dont have a lot left. They are lonely, their reality is empty and circumstances are getting worse so they fall more into the propaganda as a form of fleeing reality a ubstitute life. Dont rage at them, Feel mercy and pity this poor souls trapped and then move on and connect to less tormented souls.

i am so fucking annoyed at everything so i cant even concentrate anymore
i just want to play some games and relax but i am too annoyed to pay attention so i just skip everything and then i get mad because i skipped everything
its an endless cycle

>>33661829
Find a outlet for your rage. People often like to do sports and put their anger into the movements or do it like me and rant online which is less healthy.

it's over.

I wish I could enjoy being a father again. I'm so fucking tired and stressed and I just want to be happy when I'm with my kids, rather than distant and distracted, because I know they're seeing this and thinking I don't care about them, even though I love them with all my heart. I'm just worn down, and nothing seems to be helping.

>>33661867
Is there anything you can do together with them that you enjoy?
I am kind of in the children situation and I know my dad is stressed but it feels like there is nothing I can do for/with him.

>>33660593
My mom knows my youngest sister killed our cat yet still protects her. I want them both to die so badly.

>>33661899
They're 3 and 1, so most of the stuff we do together is either physically exhausting or mentally frustrating (such as playing games together - my three year old loves playing games, but it she's so young she's still learning how to play by the rules so it's so unbelievably tiring to keep being patient and explain the rules over and over, even though that's what she needs). Right now they watch way too much TV because I just don't have the energy to entertain them as much as they need, and I feel so guilty and shitty because I know too much screen time is a fucking problem, so I know I'm being a terrible dad that's screwing them up.

I hate having to live with them. I hate the fact that they live. I wish I could murder them without consequences. I feel like a worthless friend to my cat who was always there for me for not at least being able to get revenge. She was supposed to live longer. I hate myself. I hate this world for protecting evil pieces of shit. I want to kill every piece of shit who would kill my cat and be complicit with it. She never hurt anyone and didn't deserve to die. Yet she did. This disgusting society expects me to accept this and smile it away and see monsters as my family over my REAL family.

I've been addicted to nitrous and it doesn't even feel good anymore. I'm sure I'm done by now but I hope it didn't cause damage. This bender is nothing like anything before it

Why are people such assholes?

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>>33661963
Fear, usually its fear and old hurt. Fear of not having enough, fear of not being loved, fear of being left out in the cold, fear of being weak and abused,... But there are psychopaths and such so there is also a chance they are sick in the head.

Man, a few years worth at once I guess. My shout to the void. Here we go.

I don't see the point of going on. I haven't for since 2020 and feel like my soul died that year and now at 31, I still have an age before my body catches up and i can be at peace.

I've never met a girl outside of work that want to talk to me beyond giving me the time of the day maybe, at work it's just that, work stuff.

I suck at being able to tell if a girl is being friendly or into me and I'm too much of a little bitch to ask this one girl out I'm interested in at work because it's a small team and I'm the newest on the team. I know I would feel awkward if told no.
Hell the one time someone actually was interested, something just switched and i felt the need to distance and sabotage myself because I don't deserve to have anything nice.

I've tried to kms several times and bitched out every time. Tried to leave a note or say something to those around me and I just get silence. Not even a conversation or hug or anything.

I'm so bad at making friends and that scared of loosing what I have left (I've been bleeding people for the last decade) I don't even stand up for my opinions anymore or dare say anything that those existing might disagree with hard enough that I just shut my mouth and let them make decisions that I think will cause them issues later on. I'm a shit friend and despite even trying to say so at times, no one believes me, just because sometimes I've helped with some small things in the years past.

Fuck I still live at my parents house and I'm too insecure in my failures at job hunting, despite having my current job for the last 10 years that I'm always afraid I'm not making enough despite making a bit higher than the average that people my age and position tend to make.

I've watched all the communities and interest groups I've been either a part of or well, interested in disintegrate or be over run by those that it was formed to distance from.

>>33662003
I always fought with depression and when i was 13 (thats a long while ago i was first pondering about how to kns the best) but I made a pact with myself whatever happens, Im not going to kms, instead i take life as learning experience. I watch politics, i watch people, i watch the world, I dig into myself, the world, peoples motivations and hidden currents. i learn, I grow, i understand more. And on top of that i have a bit of a fuck it i still have all these years, ill just do it attitude now. I started to play with gestics and mimic to see how people react to them and i played confident, somehow people really thing im reliable and confident now, they even come and ask advice from me every now and then. kek im just vibe living on borrowed time i never wanted but well i have it. Over the years i became so curious its like a constant cliffhanger and i forgot about the kms a bit. Its always there and sometimes wells up intensely but it doesnt rule me anymore. It is anecdotal but maybe you can take something from it that helps yourself to keep moving. Just do not die inside and numb yourself rather see it as a stoic task to endure.

>>33662035
I'm happy for you that you managed to find a way out of it. Really, I am.

I'm already numb as fuck and I just don't see the point of anything after trying to get my shit together for 3 years after I died spiritually.

The only reason I'm still here is that I'm a coward and can never go through with anything because I fear being in pain and suffering right before the end or worse, suffering and surviving.

I've been part of things for years, small business or projects that are now starting to bear fruit and I've walked away from it so I can watch those I was supporting from the side line instead.

My brother doesn't talk to me unless he needs something and that's what most people seem to do. Anyone only talks to me when they need a hand with something, especially when related to my work skill set.

I just feel like I'm only tolerated because I know a little of many things, but im not good at any of it because the only thing that's been keeping me going is jumping between interests and learning stuff but that is now grating and i don't see the point as none of it gets me anywhere anymore.

I"m a husk waiting for my time to to not wake up.

>>33662079
Have you ever dug into yourself? I mean reading up on psychology and analyzing yourself? Relentlessly staring int your own abyss? Because a lot of these things you named depend on framing. One would burst: I helped to start many successful businesses, but oh well daily tasks are menial Im a strategist and I plan and what I plan becomes gold. You on the other hand focus on how you invented but then didnt build. Maybe building isnt yours. And being a jack of all trades is quite useful if you are good at making better strategies.
In regards to people fleeing: Cant you sense if you spread the feeling of dread they get scared and try to run. If you spread dread jokingly (I like to do this) razorsharp but without the heaviness it will be recived better. Dig into yourself, dig into interactions and then play test with people you dont give a fuck about see the impact. Become a bit playful a lot of depression is because you dont play enough. When was the last time you snickered about something you did?
ANd you complaining here means ou still have hope otherwise youd take some pills and watch the net netflix trash to use it as substitute life. Instead you lightly name your wounds. Start looking at them instead of shoving them away.

I'm already tired since my dream this morning woke me up early. Fun times ahead, but at least I will be distracted easily enough

>>33662103
>Have you ever dug into yourself? I mean reading up on psychology and analyzing yourself? Relentlessly staring int your own abyss?

Yeah, every drive to an attempt and every walk from the car and the so far, inevitable walk/drive back home.

>Cant you sense if you spread the feeling of dread they get scared and try to run

Yeah I'm aware of it, which is why I'm at at a point now I just keep my trap shut and just lightly comment on things without really adding or directing.

>ANd you complaining here means ou still have hope...

Yeah you're not wrong, I don't know how I'm going to manage another 10 years let alone the rest of life but I made a decision 15 years ago (maybe a little more) that pills hide the issue, not tackle the cause.
I thought I was stronger back then, than it seem I really am.
Hell I'm posting here because I've lost hope in anything/anyone else around me.
It is all me, I know that. I just. exhausted. and tired.

With all that moaning said, thank you.

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feels like we are in the post game
gallery mode, you know, the bloopers

i've seen all manner and color of titties and then you know the animations

got this guy some kind of schizophrenic shang tsung

did you see magic the gathering is doing spiderman, there are SpongeBob cards too

saw a baseball card with game-used cleats in it

vtubers

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>Starting Word: "Blue"
>"They sky is blue. Sky as in Skynet from Terminator 2, there was that AVGN episode on Terminator 2 in Cyberdyne where you have to crouch and shoot people in the knee, hey that's like Skyrim with the arrow in the knee, that game came out on 11/11/11 which was the same release date as the film Immortals which was advertised on a bunch of bus stops during my commute to school. I miss that fad of crappy sword and sandals films, they filled many a weekend at my dad's flat. I used to watch Robot Wars at my dad's flat on Sunday mornings, Craig Charles made that show and apparently they did a remake recently with fucking Dara O'Briain who I guess was okay in Mock the Week which was another weekend classic but not fucking Robot Wars. I had a toy of the house robot Shunt and you could make its pickaxe swing, kind of like the Bionicles of the Toa Nuva I had using the gear on their back. I built my Toa Nuva with the legs upside-down by mistake so it looked like they had big thighs. I do that a lot, like I was putting together a shelf for a sink the other year and I got all the legs the wrong way around. I like a lady with legs... Urgot from League of Legends says that when he taunts Camille, that champion talks too much, sometimes saying less is more, I miss League of Legends but I really only liked the characters, my favourite was..."
I'm nearly thirty years old and my brain still works like this. It's ruining my life. My sister visited for the first time in years recently and she mentioned that she plays Final Fantasy XIV and I just autistically listed the protagonists of FFI-XIII to her. I haven't even played Final Fantasy in maybe eight years, back when... Fuck now I'm gonna be thinking about Final Fantasy for the next five minutes before I segue into another random topic.

>>33662132
You are welcome. I hope my anecdotes inspire you a bit to ponder. Dont give up.

>>33661835
Fuck!

I'm 27, never had a girlfriend. Had sex with escorts. I've been jerking off for a long time now and 3 years ago I discovered femdom. I think my inability to get a woman to love me led me to this kink. Now I only jerk off to this and I can't even imagine myself in a vanilla relationship anymore. I think my face is what preventing me from going out there asking women out. I was abroad in august and I managed to get some numbers and instagram but I couldn't even get a physical date even after asking them out physically. I have all these repressed emotions and I feel like I'm unworthy of love, affection or anything similar. I don't know man, 27 without any female attention has to mean something right?

I don't want to let go of the hate
It pushes me forward
I know I should. She is just a broken person, not unlike me. But I can't let go of the resentment. Its making me change things I dislike about my life. I just can't let go. I want to feed this hate, even if keeps me emotionally stuck.

I'm trying my best, but I can't bring myself to delete the pictures I have of her...
Why? She hated me in the end, but I see her eyes, those pictures of us and I see her smile, I see her eyes, how in love we both were with each other.
I feel so pathetic. I just want to go into a ball and cry. How am I this hung up on her still?

I wonder how much of it was fantasy to her, to just feel less alone, to feel like she was wanted, instead of actually liking me back
I'm second-guessing everything now, and I can't tell if it's because of valid intuition or because it fits the basic emotional trauma of never feeling good enough

>>33662499
Give it time, anon
When did you break-up with her?
I don't know the full story, but trust me, your feeling will change. But do delete the pictures. No contact whatsoever

>>33662520
Trust your gut
I doesn't matter what the truth is, you will never know.
Trust yourself and trust your feelings.
You suffer because you cling to logical certainty, while your body already knows whats up.

>>33662555
There's already been so much time though and seemingly it hasn't healed me at all, the wound feels as fresh as ever and I can't seem to find peace with it.
I've lost track of the exact date, but I'd say I've reached the 3 year mark since we... I broke up with her. We knew each other for about 6 years? I wanted to marry her, she wanted to marry me for the majority of the time we spent together.
The exact details are fuzzy, but it was messy at times and in the end it cumulated, she must have wanted a different guy, or just became disillusioned with me, as at the time I turned into a good for nothing NEET with no prospects and she needed someone who could provide good health insurance.
So after a point she started treating me awfully, calling me all sorts of names, all sorts of things.
The pain stays I think because all I wanted was to be good enough for her and instead, I ran.

>>33662571
Trust yourself, man.
You didn't run from something good, you ran from something that turned bad.
I know what it feels like. Looking back at the potential, at the good times. But that time was gone, never to come back, no matter what you did.
Think about it for a second. Think of the awful things the said to you. Would it have changed, if you stayed? It wouldn't. It probably wouldn't change if you guys got back today. When I like is crossed, things change, never to return.
You are a human being with your own shit to figure out. Yes, you might have made mistakes, but I'm assuming you never got yourself down to her level, to call her names, to treat her as badly as she treated you. Hold to it. You are a good man, who went through bad times, and she didn't love you enough to keep up with you.

I heard something recently that changed my outlook on my relationship with my ex. "There's no half-respect. Either they respect you, or they disrespect you. If they routinely disrespect you in some aspect of your life, the rest isn't respect, is just them taking a break." And bro, disrespect isn't love. If you feel bad from running away from it, you need to develop your self worth. Your self respect. You need to up your self esteem. And find someone who will treat you right. Who will reciprocate your love, your patience.

From Alan Watts:
"You were never too much. You were never not enough. You were always... you. Imperfect, but whole. Not flawless, but complete. You were always doing the best you could, and what's wrong with that?"

>>33662571 (Me)
I can give more details, but I feel like I've litigated a lot in this thread over the years. I was far from perfect, in a lot of ways.
I find myself feeling so upset that I was the one to leave when I didn't want to, all I knew was in the moment was that I had to. She told me I reminded her of someone who groomed her when she was little, when she told me I was too loyal, she told me that she thought I only used her for sex, when she told me that she was withdrawing the sex entirely, I knew I was going to be pushed and I decided to jump, because she broke my heart, and no matter how many times I tried to tell her I loved her, or tried to find out what the issue was... my heart was just being ripped to shreds.

>>33662608
>Would it have changed, if you stayed
I cope from time to time and think that if I stayed the ship, if I was more secure in my life and in myself I could have. But that wasn't the situation back then, I was broke, in debt and couldn't hold down a job to save my life at the time.

Right now I've finally found a path in life, one that I'm mostly happy with, decent money, the only blackspot in my life at the minute is just not having someone I can love like I was able to love her.
>You are a good man
I try to be, I just wish I was able to act as I preach better. Some days I don't feel like a good man.

>>33662652
>I cope from time to time and think that if I stayed the ship, if I was more secure in my life and in myself I could have.

You could never know. Can never know. You didn't choose the situation you were in. If you could have chosen, surely you would have chosen what was best for you.
Have no regrets, my brother. You did all you could. You fought as hard as you could have at the time. It was never meant to be. What good is in your life now, is a direct result of the bad you had before. It's part of the process. Forgive her for her mistreating of you, and more important of all, forgive yourself. Forgive your failings, and treat yourself with the same kindness you treated her, even at her worst.

>the only blackspot in my life at the minute is just not having someone I can love like I was able to love her.

Fren, love is something you build. You can even build it for someone who doesn't deserve it. You never love someone like you loved her, but you just might love someone in an even better way. Open yourself to it, you've spent too long away from it. I simply KNOW that right now there are plenty of good woman out the who would be so grateful to receive your love, and more important, give it back. Get out there, my dude. You're a man who found your way, that's better than 99% of the people on this board.

>I try to be, I just wish I was able to act as I preach better. Some days I don't feel like a good man.

Being a good man isn't being good all day, every day. What even is "good" anyway? Some people will think that your self-care is egotism. Does it mean you stop being good, if someone gets hurt or offended when you say no?

Being good is being self conscious of your actions, and striving to be better, for yourself and the world around you. The fact that you question it tells me all I need to know. You ARE a good man. You just need to accept yourself.

>>33662340
yes, very sad.

mean people

>>33662692
I try Anon, I try my best, I always try to fight, always... because I know what happens when I don't. I can't die and tell Saint Peter I didn't do my best.
I really did love her Anon, more than the world. I see many pretty women, some that just leave me dazed from their beauty alone.
But to love again, to truly give myself to someone again, that's the hardest thing for my soft soft heart. I want someone I can look into their eyes and not doubt I want to be with them for the rest of my life.

I want to keep fighting, I need to keep fighting.

>>33662754
I know, my friend...
Love hurts. And we've been hurt deeply.

Though I hold my ex in contempt right now, I know that eventually I'll have to try again. I do miss intimacy, the kind that you can only get with a lover... But I'm content with where my life is going right now. For the foreseeable future, I'll let it come to me, and if someone shows up, I'll make sure to keep my heart open for the opportunity.

And you should do the same. You've been single much longer than me, I bet you're missing someone in your life. Give it another chance. You're wiser now, more mature. It will be different, for better.

You will never "convince" me to "move one". I love her and nothing will change that.

>>33662794
I think the irony is, I did get a new girlfriend "recently" and we were a thing for about a year, but after we ended things and I must give her credit for this, extremely simply and cleanly, I've noticed I clung onto the girl before here even harder than I did before.
I just need to find a girl I want to be around again.

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I want to fall in love. And i really do need love. More than anything. I wish the right one would reach out to me and make it finally happen. god, give me my man.

>>33662821
That is ironic, hehe.
I've been thinking of my first ex. We had our problems, but much of what I suffered with my last one, it was chill with the first.
So strange how love is.
>I just need to find a girl I want to be around again.
Sounds about right. Someone you can fully be yourself around, as well

Sorry I think in simulacras, its mannerly when its anonymous, i should just not engage with people

I don't know how to get out of this weird hole.
I'm old enough that my current position in life when I compare myself to my peers is miserable. I have less experience and experiences than everyone. I'm less adequate than everyone. I'm awkward, I'm weird and isolated. I have no drive, no goals. I don't particularly like anything too much. I'm not into some specific hobby. People keep trying to mold me into something great but it just isn't fucking happening. I'm given a chance, but I notice at some point that I'm being used, and at that point I call it out, suddenly I'm isolated again. I never had anyone love me other than my mother when I was a child, and there's so little prospect of that that I'm lacking enough of a reason to practically gamble on it by being what everyone wants me to be. I see myself down the road having some measure of success but never getting that sort of comfort because of how fucked up I am already. I see myself putting 2 and 2 together, coming up with something at work, getting my shit together the way everyone thinks I should, and still end up alone, alone and alone and alone and alone and alone.

Somtimes I can't imagine what it would be like to be one of the raped girls. To spent nearly a decade in isolation only knowing to be constantly molested and raped. And then I realize that I'm one of them and I know exactly what they are going through.

Then I realize that there are people in the world that make fun of the concept itself. What kind of evil mother fucker do you have to be to be against this?

I do miss her even though she's rotten

>>33662863
I'm sure we'll find our way Anon. I trust in God, I trust that our fight is not done.
Thank you for the kind words, it left me genuinely speechless for a minute.
Love is such a funny little thing, in all of its ways.
I can only hope to bear my cross better as we go.

I said aloud ten times that it isnt worth saying for this reason, and to go further to not associate

Living in this place with these creatures is ruining me

>>33662928
Nigerian flat mates?

Im not a caricature, I have decent manners, I hear voices

Cannabis is probably good for society. Some people go overboard and get psychosis but in general it's more like a spiritual healing plant.

Some people have trouble making positive associations with things,

I think that marijuana should be completely destigmatized and federally legalized in every country on the planet earth. It simply is not a very harmful drug and the benefits vastly outweigh the negatives.

Hatred for or stigmatizing cannabis is simply anti-intellectual. Hybrid strain vaporizers should be allowed in museums and other public places.

>>33662937
The problem is the potency. Naturally grown cannabis caps out at 10% thc. The stuff you buy goes up to 30%. The human body was not meant to smash that much

Not as dramatic as it might infer

I just realized that telling a normie, especially a girl "I want a gf" is equal to "I want to commit genocide"

Also I've realized that the average person is a good person but radicalization is very common. Especially gender wars and shit. Sometimes race, religion, etc.

I sharted for the first time today. Really embarrassing.

I failed my 3rd year at uni and my parents are immensely disappointed in me. All my siblings did their masters degrees without any problems so they have high expectations of me even though I'm just a lazy retard who is also much stupider than all of my siblings.

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I've almost hit £100k on a below average wage by taking advantage of my family circumstances. I'm sure the psychological ramifications of this will be trivial to resolve, I mean plenty of grown men are aggressively risk averse, have zero life skills and never stray from their commute right? Am I doing okay? I don't think I'm okay.

>>33662980
Ok boomer

Idk, I should stop complaining, all my problems are fake or easily solvable,I have to grow up

I nutted to something morally reprehensible and I feel disgusting

Intrusive thoughts ruined my life

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ceичac indeed
liasons dangereuse
and whatever else i am wasting my time with
what can i help you with?

>>33660593
Got tinnitus from work and I'll be honest, I'm far more upset by it than I want to admit. I thought it was bad before this job. What a joke, it's all I can hear and I want to cry.

I'm going insane genuinely
All ive been doing is checking the same boards over and over again multiple times a minute
Im putting off taking a fucking bath because im addicted to this site
So fucking desperate for validation
The joys of being lonely

That's it. She started an "everyone except you club" and I am the one that is not invited. I massively fucked up and I am the sole responsible for this. I truly am the villain in my own story.

>>33660593
after interacting with younger zoomer women 18-23ish I've decided I absolutely am repulsed by them, and that I just want women my own age. I never thought I'd say that, because as men we are seriously attracted to younger women, but the way they act is insufferable. Cougars 30+ please hit my dm's.

I hate how disgustingly skinny fat I look even after losing weight and exercising 5x a weak.
I hate having manboobs even if my guts tell me I don't have gyno.
I hate how much I sweat, I'm 99% sure I have hyperhidrosis that I never got diagnosed.
I hate how I went on a trip with a bunch of male friends, got to be in a bunch of parties with ALOT of women and I'm still a fucking virgin at mid 30s.
I hate how I just pretend to ignore all my problems instead of going to an actual doctor that could probably help me.
I hate how I've been hiding my power levels regarding my tastes to most of the people I know out of shame, which means I made 0 IRL friends with the same actual fucking tastes as me.
I hate being a lurker on this fucking imageboard for 20 years now since I was in HS, and I have to vent about my personal problems here and that will solve nothing.

some zoomer women on discord absolutely mindbroke me.

>>33660593

This is weird for me to talk about. I have platonic feelings about my female friend that I am struggling with - not because I am confusing them for romantic feelings ( I have a girlfriend who I also love very much, but in a totally different way), but because I've never been in a situation where I love - emphasis on love - a female friend so much and I don't know how to properly express it. I really want to emphasize that my feelings aren't confused sexual/romantic stuff: In fact, she's into two of my friends and I helped set her up with one.

I have male friends and I tell them I love them and hug them, but it just doesn't feel right with this friend for some reason, maybe BECAUSE she's a girl and I'm worried about being misinterpreted. I get along with this female friend extremely well; She's very boyish in her personality, we have very similar political views and sensibilities and we have interesting conversations. People often comment that the way we bicker and rip on each other reminds them of siblings, especially since us despite both being in our late 20s sometimes kick/punch each other fairly hard and do other juvenile shit like that. We call each other racial slurs (we are both minorities) all the time and are very intimate, share similar interests and trust each other deeply (cont)

>>33663597
Can't live with either, can't live without either. I think I'll just become a hermit.

Most people are antagonistic to me and trying to place me in a hierarchy beneath them to their benefit. 60-70% of people are evil or borderline evil.

>>33663709

So yeah, we are very close. Been to different countries together, are excited to introduce each other to friends and family ("dude my brother would love you") etc. The thing is, her background is one of very restricted emotional signalling and mine is not. My heritage's culture is extremely affectionate ( I would and occasionally do even cuddle my dad on the couch, despite me being a man, or my own actual sister despite us being adults) and she's not like that. I think her way of expressing affections is through gifts and thoughtful actions and I am very much the type of person to say "I love you" and be physical - even with male friends.

I hadn't seen her in a SUPER long time for complicated reasons and I was missing her a lot in my life as my confidant and companion; sometimes after texting, I'd find myself fantasizing about giving her a big hug and expressing affection. when I saw her recently I was so happy that I ran up to her and I gave her a huge hug, kissed her cheek/head and told her I love her and missed her, but it just felt off, like I was making her uncomfortable? I'm not sure... I really do love my friend very very much, but I don't want her to be uncomfortable with me or to suspect I harbour secret romantic feelings. I'd feel so gross if that was the case.

Anyways, very recently I asked her directly like "hey, do I make you uncomfortable sometimes? I want you to be honest if I do. I know maybe I can be a bit much sometimes" and she said something like "no no, you're fine, it's just I'm not the type of person to be very explicitly affectionate back". We talked about it and I expressed that I was worried that she thought that I had secret sexual motivations and she said she was worried if she was affectionate that I might assume that as well. It seems we cleared the air and actually she recently sent me an affectionate message back and said "love you", which felt really nice because I could see she was making an effort to meet me halfway

>>33663762

I guess I'm not necessarily asking for advice, but yeah, this is an issue in our relationship. It's really hard to navigate cultural issues regarding affection and how to express it, plus I think there's a stigma and implication that if you're affectionate towards a friend of the opposite sex or if you care about them too much that you actually just wanna fuck them. it isn't the case at all for me - this is just a super special person to me that I deeply, deeply love, but I don't want to be with me in that way, but I worry that my way to express affection comes across as either romantic or just simply too verbally/physically intimate for her perception of acceptability.
The issue was, I think we were both worried the other person was gonna interpret signals in that kinda way and I guess I was kinda worried that that discomfort would slowly corrode our relationship and the innocent trust we have in each other with seeds of doubt about real motives, and that made me really sad. I guess communication is important. To me, she's basically like family, and I think she feels the same way about me. I'd place her in my top 3 friends.

Unfortunately for us guys, we can't get a girlfriend because we just won't ever live a life and have social class like the guys we are up against. We can try every trick in the book, but it will never match up with that this powerful guy who has lived an actual life who matters the most to her. She sees us aching to be with her in the bedroom with us while her real crush is busy in the Middle East fighting ISIS with the Seals wishing he could spend time with her but has to go back to his nagging wife. We can't ever compete with that. We're basement losers who only know how to type in hentai macros and how to find a steam RPG to pathetically play alone. We don't know real things like when our wife is struggling on the road with a flat tire we just shrug off, "I don't know" and it infuriates her along with having to spend 500 dollars on a plumber to get a leak fixed. We're fucking candy asses and women will never like us because we are that.

>>33663687
Same lol

Dear V
It's time I came to terms with the fact I've always been in denial about what I feel about you.
Every time I made you feel horrible, in revenge for things you did that didn't even have anything to do with me, I would tell you I didn't feel anything.
I was lying through my teeth each and every single time. I felt awful every time I hurt you. I feel even worse especially now, after I recently said I solely felt indifference after having heard you are dying. That's not right, I feel guilty because I am responsible for it, probably in greater part than I realize.
Had I acted like a man back when I first got to know you, we could have been good friends... And to tell you the truth, deep down I would have liked to be your friend even if there wasn't anything romantic between us. I was in denial about that too.
I accept responsibility for everything.

Sincerely, J

>>33660593
I don't think anyone actually likes me. No one ever reaches out to me, or tries to initiate conversation with me. I think everyone just tolerates me, but I'm not supposed to point these things out. I hate myself.

>>33663955
People are alone like 90% of the time unless they have a partner they aren't particularly excited to be with or dependents these days

>>33663971
I've tried to develop online friendships, and while I interact with people a lot, no one tries to interact with me, I've even seen others refer to eachother or try to plan some activity with eachother. Your point is valid, but I just feel like the biggest outcast of all outcasts, and I've felt that way my whole life, and I don't even know why this happens so often.

People think I’m fucked up because they don’t believe me.

>>33664035
And if u think i’m fucked up because of anything that’s true then fuck u

>>33663986
I've met lots of people in my life and have been exiled, beloved, ignored, etc. and it's just about being available when another person is looking for a person and you can fill that role. Lurk more or find inner peace or both.

they are way way too many normies on 4chan these days, worst part is they seem to interact here out of spite, and have a disdain for autists who are essentially the core of OG 4chan. I hate you all.

I’ve made mistakes that I regret but I don’t think I’m as fucked up as the level I’ve probably been categorized to.

>>33664106
You and me both brother

Do narcissists eventually get their karma?
Or do they jumping around and pretend like they're a different person to new people?

Some of us are autists that had socioeconomic factors that forced us to either literally sit in darkness alone bored or go outside. Autism is raising partly because kids get their own privacy and agency to spend 18+ years essentially alone watching anime while their negligent parents negligent them. The worst case autism scenarios are kids like Chris-chan who could have been almost normal if his parents had any level of wisdom whatsoever and just enabled him to be a manchild.

>>33664128
I got mine and this isn't even the end of it. But I am an outlier, the combination of my personality traits is unusual and I dislike being a narcissist.

You people fucking moralfag about this side or that side because you’re too much of a fucking pussy to go out into the world and do something or build some shit.
Stop making excuses and setting up “framing” for having an opinion, just be fucking honest and go out and do something. Learn something and meet people and make up your own fucking mind. Stop wasting your fucking time with discourse.

God, help me to die for my enemy and for my heart to be right with you.

>>33664192
Yeah, and you cover up all your fears by criticizing others.

>>33664210
Not really, it’s a sense of boredom much moreso than fear that drives me to this frustration. I’ve done this same thing as others which is why I bitch here. I don’t want people to misunderstand my criticism as condemnation.
I’m just autistic so it’s frustrating and confusing to me how, “well, if I could see past it, why can’t they?”

>>33664195
Why would you want to die for your enemy?

>>33664240
It’s what Jesus did for me.
I also have no will to live. Might as well let someone else have a shot at joy.

>>33664128
Karma is meant to be recognized as a spiritual consequence as well on top of cause and effect. Not everything is addressed and recognized within a lifetime so if u believe in afterlife then a suppose “karma” should hold more validity there.

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>>33664254
Jesus did that for us, not just you. If I were walking in your shoes, I'd reconcile with your enemy instead of dying for him. Reconciled former enemies or rivals near always have a strong friendship bond because of the shit they've been through together. But then again, who am I to tell you what you should do or how you should think?

>>33663048
I think there was some quote from death note that said something like "People are neither good nor bad, they are mostly normal. But tempt them and they may change. That is what is so terrifying about men."

>>33664128
No, the people who deserve it NEVER have bad things happen to them. You want something to happen to them, you make it happen anon.

>>33664282
Neither my statement nor my intent precluded God’s sacrifice for all, I just want to speak for myself and no one else.
I have none I consider enemies but I am certain there exist those (including some in the kingdom) that would consider me one. To them I would die, in part because I want to get out of their way, and in part because I wish to enter eternal dreamless sleep.

>>33664315
That makes more sense than I want to admit.
And I also wanted to die sometimes because I legitimately am a breathing, walking timebomb and I am very well aware of it. I'm putting the effort of getting better and it's working, however. There used to be a time when I'd make huge messes and I'd either think "not my problem" about the consequences or even double down.

I didn’t mean to put u in a difficult position with that question. I hope u are ok. I think that the laws of nature are administered by a spiritual force who I call God however I don’t believe that they are operated by a spiritual aspect. I think that everything is developed and regulated by cause, effect and physics influenced by many factors that seems infinite. “Is karma a law of nature?” Yes but in this lifetime I don’t believe so.

Karma is meant to be perfect is it not? How is man meant to dictate what that truly is especially if it is meant to extend beyond lifetimes?

I have been thinking about cutting myself. Not to end my life, although that wouldn't be too bad either. I'm upset about the mess my body will leave behind. It happened when I was feeling dull and agitated for what must have been few whole months, and while working at my desk I got very mad and slapped my hand down, it hurt bad. And when the pain got away it felt less dull. So few days later I ended up slapping myself very hard, many times, it stung like hell, but it helped me fall asleep.

I think that to believe karma extends over multiple lifetimes is essentially admitting that u don’t understand the suitable implications of effect beyond what cause is.

Karma’s concept is similar to the oppression of a North Korean citizen who violates the law.

>>33664475
I'm not sure if karma exists. Both of us need to learn to forgive for ourselves. I only wonder if you can hate someone and forgive them.

Still friends with my bipolar ex. She is toxic asf and my entire family knows it. If I ghost her I would have nobody to talk to outside of my mom and dad. No friends at all.

>>33664508
Resentment and forgiveness counter the other. Karma is recognized as a spiritual reaction of debt however often recognized as spanning over multiple lifetimes. I believe we are judged and either punished or rewarded for one lifetime after another.

My coworkers and boss keep saying we are like family, when really I know deep down inside if I quit or get fired it is like the food of where I work it is going to be eaten, then shit out, then flushed and through the pipes and sewage forgotten about. HURR DURR WE FAMILY

>>33663820
It doesn’t take much experience to become baseline normal
You might even be there already idk

>>33664508
When there is friction between your connection between yourself or others it could be amounted to anger or frustration rather than hatred. Personally pity is the only interpretation and emotion I’ve been capable of directing towards certain people to prevent the bitterness.

Thank you for having given me the inspiration to read up on certain specific topics, K. You helped me a lot more than I ever let you on. I wonder what would have happened had I not ghosted you for 5 days. To tell you the truth I was afraid - afraid something may have bloomed between us and it would have not developed exactly the way I would have liked. That's the self sabotaging narcissist mindset at work, thank God I'm managing to shed it off more and more as time goes by. And I'll also say this: every single time I think about what happened between us I feel like the fool, the total fucking muppet, the wankstain I had been back then.
I ask for your forgiveness. You deserved better and still do.

I'm bipolar so this might be a manic episode but I need to say this out loud. I have come to the conclusion that life is not important to me. I'm too the point where I don't plan on things ahead of today. Meaning I don't care if tomorrow happens. I'm fine with tomorrow never coming. I have nothing in my life and when I say that I mean it I got nothing but a few clothes shoes to my name. I've been trying to keep it together but I see no point any longer. The only reason I haven't dragged my blade down my arm is my grandma and grandpa. They are in their 80s and both sick with cancer. I'm taking care of them best I can. Once they pass I'll have no qualm with ending it then. But I will not burden them with my choice of self deleting. Instead I wait, each day I become more bitter at society. I see the world as a disgusting cruel hateful place, full of liars hypocrites and evil. It makes me sick to consider myself among this breed. I know for a fact that God doesn't exist. No God would allow this earth to exist. What makes me the angriest is the promise of salvation, a glimpse of happiness is always a mirage or a twisted mirror reflection of life. I try to be happy , but to no avail. I'm always in this perpetual state of mundane dispair. My sorrows are constant and the idea of a rope around my neck makes me actually smile. The thought of my sweet release is my heart's desire. I say this outloud so that I may better my thoughts. For those that read this know this I am alive today only for today. Tomorrow is not promised.

>>33664531
Sounds like my workplace alright. Of all the people there I would consider maybe two people as family. I see one of them as the cool uncle I get to talk with only once in a bluemoon at family gatherings and such, and another as the cool cousin I see nearly everyday that stole a girl that could have been my highschool girlfriend I never had.

>>33664524
>>33664556
You should try prose more or you'll go insane

>>33664629
Wdym?

Wanna be adopted by a new cute dad and be cuddled and taken care of

>>33664650
Like, speak/think in simplest and most straight-forward way you possibly can with words that don't invite semantics.

Sometimes I wonder where I would be in life were I not a total autist. I'd probably be much happier, but on second thought I may also have gotten into shady business or some fight I couldn't win and ended up with dying at 24 or something.

And I think it would be better for most people I ever let get close to me. I would've hurt them a lot less, or maybe I wouldn't have hurt them at all, psychologically speaking. I'm not proud of my past.

>>33664602
I'm almost certain I'm also bipolar and that does sound like an episode to me. It should pass on its own in a day or two.

lmao you truly are a madman. I can't blame you for it, but you also should realize you may be your own story's antagonist.

my life is over rigth?

https://youtu.be/LGTFir7o9Pc

>>33664827
... And don't worry: I'm my story's own antagonist too. Anyway, I extended you an olive branch, why didn't you take it?

>>33664962
>Anyway, I extended you an olive branch, why didn't you take it?
Oh shit, I merely thought I did. Either way, I would appreciate it if we came to terms and stopped being enemies.

>>33665003
You are a wonderful person and we are best friends, happy?

God is real and demons are real and I have one personally attacking me every waking second and I'm tired.

>>33664542
It still won't work as this guy that women are after the trajectory of his life is completely different from ours. He earns his word while we only recreate it for example. He gets on to us about our behavior it sticks like nails, but for us it is like scotch tape on a wet surface. When he is in a room he relates to everyone there as they all lived a life like him, but we only relate to a phone with only mom and dad as a contact with a low battery.

>>33665053
And most of all when life hits, he goes along with its flow not fighting against its current.

>>33665023
Allow me to correct you: I am a piece of shit of a human being that's trying to improve. And I'll take it. How do I reach you?

what is female lonliness like?

>>33665162
A carousel of mediocre men while the alpha stays out of reach

>>33665193
the alpha being her peak desire or just a better looking man?

>>33665212
The man that rocked her world when she was 18 that no longer considers her at 28

Time to go to work and ask for tasks because my mind is bored out of its shell yet I am surveilled to do menial clicks. If you keep a bloodhound in the appartment you come back to it in pieces. I need to find meaning in wasting 8 hours or find a new job, or my brain is trashing up my days. I don’t want to be the one where people say yeet and fuck him, he has serious mental problems. I can have both.

>>33665220
Do we all live the same lives?

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Calling my colours rotten, but eating away my blood and flesh for free, daily walks in your prison. but so graciously little nudges on the pasture. you are using all my years it took for me to birth every minute of mistake, every filth and little joy, for you to build your body of work, ripping patches of my source, stacking them up, towering on top and leave me to wander for answers, meaning underneath.
the fish is better against the stream? for as long until its remains are better on a different plate?
different context, different time, different people, same energy.
i dont think you realize, how similar you are to them.

I’m so fucking tired of my friends fighting

Im not going to stop larping you kikes

I ended a friendship last week
a relationship with a female friend that became toxic, she often let her anger (from anyone) upon me for no reason. I did not enjoy my time spent doing things with her.

now I sleep better, I eat healthy food (with her we had lots of alcohol) and I take a lot more care of myself
what a relief

Oftentimes I wonder why was I such a piece of shit back then. I impersonated other people, amongst them a unrequited love and a former friend. For whatever retarded reason I thought harming their image would've brought me something good. Now that I think about it that only brought me mental scars and misery, and it very likely hurt them too. I imagine they thought I was better than that. I also imagine seeing me behave like that hurt them too.

Once I really pissed off a colleague of mine for all the wrong reasons. It took me weeks to realize I seriously wronged him, it took me a couple of days for me to call him, meet him, and talk with him to clear things up. It didn't go as planned. Sure, he accepted my apologies, offered me some smokes, brought up how he thinks I am bipolar (I think I am), gave me a little bit of life advice, told me I am a good guy and also I am a real man for owing up to my mistakes. But I didn't get to make amends for having accused him of having done something he never did, and spreading those rumors, the fact I didn't get to make those amends seriously annoys me as that was what was bothering me the most. I suspect he didn't even want me to bring up that topic because whenever I tried talking about him he'd talk over me and steer the conversation.

>>33666218
>tried talking about him
"it" not him

>>33660593
2 more hours to go, brain fight the office fungus brainslop

I just want to die while things are still good. While everyone is still happy. I don't want to be around for the next big tragedy.

>>33660655
One day. I feel you. I just don't want mom to be sad.

>>33666186
Good job

She's almost fixed

>>33664517
Dump her

>>33666411
What's wrong with her?

>>33666416
Details at this point, like respect deficiency

>>33666422
Was she always like that?

>>33666426
I don't really remember but I think so she was mad when I touched hair like I'm not worthy

One man is enough of a headache I can't believe I was juggling a half dozen like a rodeo clown in my hoe phase. I'm thinking about it because one of my hoe phase niggas just hit me up, maybe in some desperate dry spell or super drunk and it made me laugh. Imagine being a male and hitting up some woman after like 2 years for some nookie. Even slut me would've been pissed at the audacity

>>33666434
My memory is not that bad and even if it was you shouldn't lie

>>33666443
Shut the fuck up schizo nobody was talking to you
>inb4 more schizo shit
If you reply to me you will get cancer

>>33666430
Sounds like her alright. Would you mind if I got on friendly terms with her again? Even if she tried something funny I'd politely turn her down - you are her man, not me.

>>33666450
The audacity

>>33666455
>>33666450
Kek wtf Bahhahahahahahahahahahaha

>>33666455
Audacity? Being on friendly terms for me in her specific case means "talking about shit exclusively through 4chan when I can be bothered to spend hours here like I'm doing today" and nothing more.
That said: if the effect I have on her annoys you, because if I interact with her she won't stop mentioning me for the rest of the day, then that's a completely different story.

>>33666462
She told me you're an n-word and you don't respect women

>>33665122
With your arm

>>33666463
Lmao. Be happy together.

>>33666463
>>33666470
That said. I'll refrain from interacting with her. I know you get really annoyed when she mentions me. I asked because I thought it would be the polite thing to do, and still didn't fully realize how much it annoys you. And I mean it when I said I want you two to be happy.

>randomly talk to myself
>dog looks at me and whimpers
Every fucking time. I raised you from a puppy and you have lived with me for years. Just get over it dude, I'm crazy, you have a crazy owner.

Nearly had a full blown panic attack at work, clocked out at like 9:30 and went home.
Still feel pretty shitty, I just can't pin what exactly is making me feel so upset.

>>33666068
I only focus on my life. What's outside of it is outside of it and I want no part of it.

>>33666205
Fuck you Colton

>>33666450
I have always been her man. That has never changed. She knows this.

I'm done trying to make an effort when nobody else will, fuck the whole fucking thing

>>33666629
Some of us have been effortmaxxing for years. Now I am trying to put effort into specific action. Actions that will be remembered and appreciated.

>not talking to gf after an argument
>she says i'm in the wrong
>everyone i talk to about it says i'm in the right
>i know it's more complicated and understand where i went wrong but the shock of what she said still haunts me and she isn't safe to me anymore
i'm so fucking lonely

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I have a huge crush on a girl at my workplace. I'm 28 and incel, very spergy, and thought I already my peace with the idea of never having a gf. She has the female version of my name and we also look kinda similar, I think we are made for each other (yea I know.) Everytime I see her and don't do anything to get closer to her besides casual greeting it's tearing me apart from the inside because there is no scenario I wouldn't completely embarass myself if I actually tried and made a move on her.

>>33667051
Maybe she is waiting for you to make a move. There is no
such thing as cringe or embarassment.

I’ve done scummy things and I want people to forgive me without pity. I want to be loved.

FYI someone tried to scam call my mom to talk to me about 15 minutes ago.

That's really pathetic desperate manipulative behavior if it was Colton.

I'm The bigger person and won't react to such childish behavior.

I am recentering on being home with you.

That's where I choose it dwell.

I enjoyed your indirect communication here
>I have a huge crush on a girl at my workplace. I'm 28 and incel, very spergy, and thought I already my peace with the idea of never having a gf. She has the female version of my name and we also look kinda similar, I think we are made for each other (yea I know.) Everytime I see her and don't do anything to get closer to her besides casual greeting it's tearing me apart from the inside because there is no scenario I wouldn't completely embarass myself if I actually tried and made a move on her.

I love Birdy. We are going to dominate the planet and there isn't much anyone can do about it. Just two teenage lesbians running amok.

I will say being attacked did work in my favor because my folks were just stopping by to borrow some tools and I wasn't planning on chilling today because I am focused on my work. Not a great way to wake up from a nap to get spooked by someone in my house. But we're going to go out to Olive garden now and I'll spend some time with them which is always good.

>>33667166
Calm your tits with that. Im a man with a beard and a huge cock.

I’ve said and done fucked up things out of anger and frustration. I’ve said and done really stupid things from a lack of mindfulness. I’ve been selfish and I live with regret.

Just know that I will protect my family to the bone.

I won't condone that manipulative pathetic desperate spineless behavior. If you need to fight me fight me IRL and I fist fuck your face until it's a concave fucking pit of despair and you have to sip through a fucking tube the rest of your fucking life.

Never try anything against my family.
Ever.

FUCK YOU ANA D***IK

The way I reacted to my suspicion of u was ugly, Paul. I’m sorry.

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>>33660593
NIGGER MWHAAHAHAHA

>>33667437
My suspicion of u cyber stalking me and trying to ruin my life. Even if u were I should have dealt with it better. I am not aware of anything that may or may not have been alleged regarding u either. I’m just referring to my personal suspicions.

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>>33660593
Found an easter egg on encarta

>>33667466
Stop being a creep, creep

I'm never going to get answers from him and it's not fair
If he didn't want to make us a serious thing then okay I would've got that
I guess he decided on his own that he didn't want to be just friends either
I would've, it would've hurt, but less than this. The amount of similarities and experiences and interests and opinions we had locked in 1-to-1 more than I've ever experienced with anyone else, friend or lover, and he just threw it all away. To just ghost after all that is crazy

Why are they such assholes man gtfu

>>33660593
How to get over ex gf?.. I left her because it was toxic as fuck but I can’t help but think about her and what she’s doing. Been 2 months since the split and about 1 since we last spoke

>>33667603
the only way to get over an ex is to fuck someone else. literally the only way. Once you do you won't even question their existence.

Okay. Thanks for the update.

My ex ghosted me three times. I can't believe I lacked any and all self-respect allowing for it to happen three times over three years.

>>33667574
Going through the same thing. I'm everything he needs but he'd rather chase whores.

I really hope the maidens exist. They built them up twice, the first when I was suppose to be evacuated and they were just fucking with me and then that night we listened to waiting for the end a thousand times.

If I could just have a confirmation that it happened. That they exist. Just something. Right now I'm going through life with nothing but I bunch of vague unknowns where nothing matters. If I knew my life meant something, at least to those 15 girls then I could die happy. But as it is... I have no idea if anything is happening at all.

My idea for a house of angels is something I've been holding onto for a decade now. Through out those years I've been called a scam artist, a fake, a fraud, that you people have made fun of me for wanting to make a whore house on government funding... when it's the complete fucking opposite. I can't believe the ridicule I've received for wanting to make something so beautiful.

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I don't mean to be so negative but I feel really hurt and betrayed with everything that happened between friends and family. I don't think things can go back to the way things were. But I can bring this up now in person at least.

>>33667517
I’m not a creep. Fuck u

>>33667750
I am tho

>>33667764
Well u should work on that, anon.

Yes I had some vengeful thoughts for a period about a former friend but I wouldn’t actually do that.

>>33667603
Idk. My situation is different than yours. Shea my soulmate and I trust her over all else knowing this will work out with us.

>>33667750
Sorry if I misread. Easy to do here. Text is the worst form of communication and easy to misspercieve and assume falsities on another. Especially here where other larp to cause harm to people.

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This is my favorite picture of Birdy. I call it her moon dress because it looks like a sci-fi dress that a teenage lesbian would wear on the moon.

THAT'S SO FUCKING BIRDY

>>33667852
You really don't know how to just be chill and hang out huh?

>>33660593
My friends are irritating midwits who frustrate me every single time I hang out with them.

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I think I'm finally getting too old and jaded for pornography. Not in the "I think I'm too old for this" way, but rather the "I feel I'm too old for this" way. It's a subtle but important difference. I didn't think the solution to this addiction was to simply stop being interested in it, although I guess being overworked is a factor too... Eh, see you in a week I guess.

>>33667873
Npe. I'm going to annoy the shit out of birdy every second of every day. It's my meaning for life. To annoy her specifically, constantly.

I would like to have a girlfriend and maybe even have a kid some day, but I feel like I'm damaged goods. So much is wrong with me emotionally/mentally that I just don't think I can do it. I'm a failure of a man.

I think that I would like to become completely sexless. Like the type of person that just doesn’t invoke any kind of arousal in someone else. It’s why I really look forward to becoming old and losing any semblance of sensuality or desire.

I've managed to reach your level senpai. Next I'm going to surpass it

>>33667898
Okay good luck with that.

>>33667888
Pornography is really bad.

I am here because I truly love you. Staying committed and working through our difficulties, despite any time and distance, that's what real love is. Communication isn't clingy, it's just the way we build understanding. I know you want it to be better with me too. Please take a breath and consider my perspective, I care about you, and I'm trying to be here for us. I miss your honesty, your voice, and the way I could see it in your eyes. That's been lost in this forum, replaced by assumptions that don't reflect who I really am to you

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I'm making a list of projects for me and Birdy to get started on right away. We are suppose to be pop stars but I think our movies are what's really going to sell things.

majestic birds
beaver game theory
Marvels The Celestials presented by Tatiana
Bees and pollination
Rocky
Forest Gump feat. Tatiana
Predator: The Musical
Die Hard 4... or 7? I think it's seven now.
Star Wars... Kinda
Tatiana And Birdy: The Live-Action Fully Animated Motion Picture
Star Trek: Next Generation Two
That's So Birdy: We All Love Birdy: That's Birdy!
The Adventures of Pete and Pete

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>>33667990
Fuck, forgot
JAWS: A Tatiana Story

It's easily one of the most important ones!

>>33667990
>>33668000
Okay have fun with your delusions.

I'm here for Maria when she's ready to talk.

>>33668003
You are my least favorite bot. You exist purely because maria menshikova exists and that's it. I don't even get why you keep having posts made. It's the dumbest shit.

I won't be here long. Don't worry about it

>>33667982
I am here, and have been - for you. I tried to give you whatever space and reassurance you need from me and never expected you back in my life. I am thankful to know you and have you in my life.

>>33668012
*fire emoji

I am embarassed to have multiple irl personas and am even moreso than one may know me as such.
She is specifically that ritzy bitch baddie who sips fancy cocktails, alone. Leave her alone kek

>>33668023
If not a larp with chat gpt hyphen or you just needed help with the words (I can understand that) you will add me on discord/instagram

I feel the same way as this
>I am here, and have been - for you. I tried to give you whatever space and reassurance you need

>>33668043
Multiple personality disorder or is it a narcissistic thing for protection?

>>33668018
I figured. You never wanted to stick around in the first place.

>>33668062
addy?

>>33668065
It is the best way I can show my love. To be supportive.

I’ve been in a better mood recently. I think I’m getting out of my slump.

Is this thread for commiseration im new in here

i hope the social media clout is worth the lives youve ruined through your lies

>>33668095
I have a long history on 4chan (same year it was made).

I am only here to reconnect with my girl. This place hurt us and we lost years. Maybe once she's here with me physically ill pop back on every so often.

>>33668098
Addy? Yeah I'm on Adderall. 45 mg

>>33668104
I do the best I can in this form but being together on cam/in person is so much more relaxed, chill. I'm definitely seen differently in person/on cam than in text form. I only use text now because of circumstances. Once in person I'll just use it for timing hanging out

Why the fuck is the screeching still a thing? What's even the point?I can't kill myself in anyway and there is no way the dead pool is still going. Who, the fuck is running this machine? What's the point anymore?

I can not trust posts here because of the liar, manipulator parasite.

With what happened today IRL here i am on edge to protect my family.

>>33668326
I stopped doing that years ago and made amends for my shit behavior yesterday.

Im gonna play my cards. I'm gonna play every card in my hand.

>>33668343
...and that took a huge burden off my soul. I have yet to make a couple more amends. After I do that, if I leave this place for a while I'll only feel guilt for leaving someone that matters to me hanging.

>>33668386
Don't do it

I've been working 80 hour weeks for so long that I genuinely do not know what I will do with all the time off anymore

>>33667847
This. I don't have a means to privately talk to the girl I want to get back in good terms with - yet - and I'd wholeheartedly recommend her to take everything she reads on 4chan with a boulder of salt.

It's stupid thing to do for adults to try and hide behind their kids and try to ruin other people's lives that they wronged by design. Funny how it all works out for these lying faggots, eh?

Screw you little dipshits and your cowardly incompetent lying older gen who can't figure out why they are disliked. Interfere with me again, and I will know who is responsible for their troonish garbage behaviors.

Nose decide if you want to stay clogged or runny tonight. Thanks, my brain.

>>33668388
Whatever you say. My love and I were affected my lies and manipulations here. If you have any part in that I have not seen any amends from you nor do I expect to see something. All I know is everything is becoming what it was before and I'm thankful for it

Mid gym day today. Better luck next workout.

>>33668864
I did mention it here >>33666205, but you are right. I merely admitted my abhorrent behavior. I wish to apologize for that to everyone I hurt. I accept responsibility for my past actions.

>>33668706
Yes it is

>>33668942
An apologies worth nothing. You must take action and write what you did wrong. Restore what you took. If you don't, it's just justification for your shitty actions avoiding accountability and continuing to be a shitter thinking that by writing some words you tricked everyone into having a clean slate. Not the case.

God curse the shitty geopol moves these people made, putting law-abiding men and women as second class citizens and turning everything upside down. No wonder nothing's working. God damn the cointelpro fucked CA that imported them in the first place because everyone hated each other after the 70s. All because of colonial politics, social culture and bs economic structure that tore them apart and never addressed properly.

Btw total spic death. Fucking chaotic vile scum no wonder southern Latam wants nothing to do with them. All the cope and all the inverted bs mostly because of them. Freaks.

>>33669048
I pretended to be a potential lover that was already taken in order to harm her reputation, humiliate her and hurt her in general.
I pretended to be my former friend that was with her back then in order to hurt his reputation and piss him off.
I badmouthed a potential lover that I assume had a crush on me out of pure malice that I can't explain if not with psychosis, partially stress induced, partially drug induced.
I ghosted another potential lover for about a week out of fear something may have bloomed between us, then leashed out at her for various reasons, one being again psychosis, another being making the assumption that some anonymous posts were her, while they were not.
That's what I remember and want to make amends for. I merely want to take a burden from my soul that has been there for far too long. I'm not expecting to be forgiven and frankly speaking I don't think I deserve it. One can't kill a man or a woman and have the absurd pretense of fixing things and having redemption by merely saying "sorry".

It's a bunch of border jumping 60 million illegal freaks enabled by incompetents and broken, corrupt incompetents fucking hell. Everything is backwards because of this shit.

They are all fighting drug wars with each other and they try to fucking project their infantile bs on me after landing a guy wired backwards to a LOL GLORIOUS global world-class state I mean SHITHOLE that was CA fuck you nigger.

I am retracing all my steps. This is fucking bullshit and I won't stand for it. Thank fuck I still have what my predecessors gave me.

It's funny because the life I was living before I met my ex was not the life that I want to return to
I was in my own apartment by myself everyday just living life alone

It's not that I don't want to be her boyfriend. I'm applying the train of thought of "if I can't be her friend, I won't make for a good boyfriend either". That's something she taught me herself. Wise words.

>>33669424
And for the record, I do want to be both her friend and boyfriend.

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Giving it, is gay. Receiving it out of weakness, is not.

Okay then...

There's no reason or motivation to do or create anything at all.

There will be these bright ideas that I decide to write down and never use later.

Taking life in at once I notice that nothing in particular seems worth it or has a weighty attachment or element that ruins it. So I am wondering about the consequences of nice looking things and what further that decides.

Nothing is perfect and I have to say goodbye forever.

>>33669562
I think it's probably fine to say that I am inadequate or something.

Enjoy the orb.

Love <3 LSD

I miss doing weed a lot. That was great. I have decided not to have any weed until I have a solid 100,000 in my bank account.

When you are young there is this tendency to want to be an artist because it's cool. I'm looking at this surplus of cool and interesting looking art and feel a general lack of motivation at contributing to it.

Everybody kind of makes me sick too. I don't really like them that much. I am very unfond of how life is perceived as this animalistic game.

Adding to humanity or helping these people feels superfluous to me.

Imagine if everything you like and were attached to was some way built upon this manipulative plot. I feel like I didn't choose anything I actually like and here I am approaching middle age with empty goals realizing that I lost.

There's this question of why continue and I am finding that it a vacuum of abstract goals the daily experience is also losing its meaning.

I am black and I really fucking hate my family. I hate a lot of things and everyday I pray for a war so I can kill people and die. I hope I come back white or asian far away from any black person ever.

>>33669612
Recently I made this decision to stop knowing people that I used to recognize and there is some pain associated with this. It's healthy. That is the best thing to do. Intimate with the emptiness of daily living.

The Sun is a bright circle and the Moon hears and doesn't answer.

I'm ready when you are. No way I'm making you wait a month.

You can trust me with anything

>>33669677
Jules_1389

Add me on discord, let's have a chat and see if we get along when actually talking. No strings attached.

girls are so hot dude

if anything else on God's green earth had done me half as wrong as girls have i'd be done with it forever

but i keep trying to date

>>33669718
I told you I won't talk to you one on one because it's pointless

>>33669728
I'd prefer talking it over, so that you can get that completely one sided rivalry of yours done and over with. That said my post wasn't for you but her, and I'm willing to talk with you regardless.

>>33669734
If you don't want to leave archives we can talk on /soc/ that's it

>>33669735
I have zero problems whatsoever with leaving archives. If you do have a problem with that point me to the right thread on /soc/.

my dick is a nigger

Found you.

>>33669752
Look you want to talk, then talk

>>33669754
I posted in your thread the very same moment your replied to me.

>>33669756
Link it, not my thread

>>33669757
Okay then, let's talk there >>>/soc/34325790

>>33660593
I've improved my deadlift form and now I actually feel it in my hamstrings. But I fucking hate the feeling in my hamstrings when I deadlift. REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE