I told her last night, she has to stop completely. for a decade, she/we have done the "moderation" game. it does not work. the cycle: she gets bad, stumbling, blackout, dropping things style drunk several times a week. I get fed up, cal her out, explaining health and safety and financial risks. she stops totally for several days, then slowly starts back with a glass of wine while RV or gaming. within a few weeks she's day drinking. by a month, she's plastered when I get home 3-5 days week.she has begun trying to hide her daydrinking by cleaning and putting her drinking glasses up before I get home. putting away her cut up limes etc. and yesterday, I'm pretty sure she used visene to clear her eyes up.last night was it. I told her "no more 'moderation' you can't do it. your dad, brother and sister are all alcoholics. you complain about your dad's drinking"she was pretty butthurt, understandably, but she didn't try to lie or argue. it's gonna be a rough day/week for us both. aside from this one issue, we are 9.5/10 on the happy/success scale. we have everything anyone could want: farmhouse, 2 cars, debt free, livestock, awesome dog, modern amenities, etc.
>>33691322I'm sorry to hear that anon. I have the impression you love her and support her, and you guys seem well off.Have you looked into or discussed professional help? I mean if you have the privilege to afford it, do go for it, as getting an expert to help her would probably be the most efficient. Especially if it runs in the family, there may be some intergenerational trauma going on as well.Self-help books etc can work, but takes a lot of effort, reading and becoming that expert. Which can kill your relationship because you'll either have to become that person yourself, or help her become that person, which she could end up resenting herself or you.
>>33691322I wish my ex fiancee had given me an ultimatum like you did. If had someone I truly loved in my life and they asked me to stop, I'd do it in a second.Be warned though, you don't understand the physiological and psychological state of a heavy drinker if you haven't been there. She's going to not be able to sleep very well. She's gonna feel sick the first few days. Then the cravings hit. You need to hold her tight and close at night for like the first week, or else she's going to want to drink just to sleep again. Finally>we have everything anyone could want: farmhouse, 2 cars, debt free, livestock, awesome dog, modern amenities, etc.Didn't notice babies on that list. I know you don't want to risk FAS but ever think of knocking her up once she does have a sober streak of like, a few months?
>>33691322Nice job OP. I do about that sort of drinking and my wife is the main contributor. I wish I had a strong man like you around. You seem to have a handle but maybe you’d clear up some butthurt to let it be known that you are not so much accusing alcoholism as preventing it.
>>33691322Reality is dude, you cant change people. Whatever you see in your partners is generally what you get. People rarely change.I understand the test of the relationship is good, but you gotta put it on the scale, this included. Assume its just gonna be like this for the rest of your lives. Are you ok with that? Can you be ok with that? Because this is the way its gonna be unless she has some sort of miraculous once in a lifetime epiphany or something.
If my wife had this I would support her. I'm always here for her. I put her above all else. I'll help and care for her and make everything better. I promise that
>>33691322Maybe this is obvious, but has she tried AA? Even for people who aren't "hopeless" and find a way to make moderation work, going to meetings once in a while can be huge.>when I get home>before I get homeIs she stuck at home all day, with no kids, while you work? If so, no wonder this is so hard, she's bored and lonely and until those are fixed she'll need something she's not getting. To paraphrase William Gass's descriptions of a drunkard mother in The Tunnel: she needs the bottle not to survive but to endure survival. I sympathize with your situation, anon, and what you're doing isn't wrong, but if she's fundamentally unsatisfied with her day to day life, maybe it's not the storybook marriage you think it is. Quantifiable good things aren't always enough. Good luck to you both.
>>33691822Clearly if she's drinking and she is using it as a form of escapism that means that she is severely unhappy with where she is and who she is with in life at the time. Drastic change needs to happen.
>>33691822I have my own opinion about alcoholics anonymous. I do not recommend it, it's similar to getting on the short bus if you are higher functioning. You will develop more issues and be around people who are in shitty circumstances and it all influences and rubs off on you. There's also a large religious integration into alcoholics anonymous that really shouldn't be there in a recovery program. There's a lot more, I had a friend who is a drug rehab counselor and it's pretty crazy the shit that's involved in AA that is really not appropriate in the psychology field
we love eachother very much. she has plenty to keep occupied. she is a full-time farmer/rancher with multiple types of livestock, and Lott of gardening/orchard stuff to play with (I help anytime, any way, I am asked, as well as just offering help as I see may be needed.) she keeps house, cooks, bakes, breeds livestock and generally does whatever a large acreage homestead needs daily. she just does it all while daydrinking. she is otherwise very content. she hates people and public places. she always wanted to move to the countryside since we married. we did so in 2023. sold the suburban house, bought land, designed & built custom house, moved here to begin an awesome homestead lifestyle. she loves it. she never leaves unless she is forced to for a dr, eye, postal or grocery visit. she has TV, audio books & earbuds, Amazon for stuff, and I will supply her with anything she needs, so long as it's in budget. she has no issue with our budget or lifestyle. she just has her family's predisposition to booze. I tried to lead by example. I quit drinking last Nov. and stopped all THC use 2 months ago. ske is aware of both.I explained the issue to her last night with compassion and understanding. told her I know addiction, because I have been there. she does not contest. I explained my concerns were safety (farming and alone 8hrs/day), health, and financial risk. I am foolish enough to think this time may be the reset. instead of bargaining for "moderation" I explained that she clearly does not have that in her programming. it must be total cessation. since I don't partake anymore, and she now knows I can see her obvious "tells" despite her attempts at obfuscation, I hope for better result.I live to make her happy, as does she in return. our love, respect, faithfulness and dedication to oneanother should help. we shall see.
>>33691983The fact remains that she is not happy where she is and who she is with. If she is still drinking and unhappy that is just the fact. You can do whatever you need to do but if you're not the right person and if she's not in the right place then she will not be happy. That's just how it is
>>33691322Divorce
>>33692013Happy is not a fact
>>33691454>She's going to not be able to sleep very well. She's gonna feel sick the first few days. Then the cravings hit.Was it that bad for you? Were you drinking a lot?
>>33691552>If *I* was in this situationNot OP but fuck off with this bullshit. Its really easy to sit in your armchair on the internet and say "Well id be an absolute saint in this frustrating ongoing quality of life destroying situation". You don't know how youd be. And if youre the type of person to talk about how much better youd handle other people's shit, I got a feeling you'd be kinda shitty and overbearing about it honestly.
>>33691322She needs a release valve. I think you could get her to forgo drinking six days a week as long as you allow her one night a week where she can drink and enjoy herself and it would be ideal for her, I'm guessing, if you drank with her occasionally on the one night a week she is "allowed" to drink (assuming she enjoys your company).
She'll be bred out dude, who cares? Go abort some babies or something
>>33691322The alcoholic women I dated considered drinking the entirety of their personality. One died young around age 40 and one became an ugly feminist hamplanet. A cautionary tale. She doesn't want that to happen. I quit at the end of last year also.
