This is a hard post to write but I gotta write it. I'll try to be succinct as I can. >be me> sitting in psych class > teacher reaches module on depression > goes into how its diagnosed, what it really is etc > keep a straight face in the lecture , but go home , bawl my eyes out , wondering what the fuck was wrong with me and everything lined up so clearly like a missing puzzle piece as to WTF the last 10 years were , or even since middle school desuMy hand: > religiously overbearing parents keeping me caged in my room basically if I wasn't in school to be a good little nerd > fucking idiots in all honesty so I can't even be crazy mad at them cause they just didn't know what they were doing and they thought every kid could be a doctor or engineer or whatever , I aimed medium but they kept forcing me to aim high when I was younger > proceed to fail school but graduate way later than everyone , in a bad field so now Im back in school > mom and dad are definitely depressed as well in hindsight and took out the stress of their marriage cause they hated each other > high neuroticism > never dated out of poverty and lack of freedom from their overbearingness , the few times I tried it would always end in a fight or argument > girls were into me over the years but I never made a move> short ( 5 6)which was fine when I was a teen but in todays climate , im fucking cooked > ALWAYS stressed about money as a family > Spent the last decade in school and in escapism (am 25 now)> also got diagnosed with ADHD which explains all my flunking out> even if a girls into me that she wanted to sleep with me , small pp like 5 in that would laugh me out of the room> flat monotone voice and not deep/masculine > I feel way slower in school than everyone else when I came back , would learn in class that depression actually slows your cognition , im fucking destroyed if I've been dealing with this for a decade plus
Basically the root of it is , the biggest mistake of my life was listening to my parents and being a goody two shoes. If I doubled down on being a socialite when I was a teen, I mighta been saved. But it wouldn't have mattered on some level - what was going to happen career/academically was going to happen no matter what. They essentially controlled my life and I never got a chance to be independent or get the fuck away and I'm still stuck in that house. But what's done is done. I'm almost fucking thirty now , and basically stood still for the last decade and it hit me like a fucking truck today. But this class changed everything and made me begin fighting for myself. But I'm super torn because I'm super close to that arranged marriage now but my worst nightmare is if the girl is a bitch OR she doesn't make me happy and I infect her with my depression. The girl will say yes just for a passport - but I don't think she would realize how hard of a life it is And combine this with my realization that even religious girls still have the exact same standards as western girls, and they want prince charming even more cause they believe they worked extra hard or some shii - I'm fucking cooked / finished etc. I can't run away from home because I have a special needs kid brother that was born late (in my early 20s) , if I leave , that kid is screwed and I think my mom only made him as emotional blackmail to keep me under her thumb. My gut tells me > the arranged marriage girl is gonna play me anyway for the fucking easy mark that I am or she'll hate me for not "falling in love" > fuck this religion , next girl that throws signs , say hi , go out and meet people - have interests irrespective of their faith and JUST BE A REGULAR FUCKING HUMAN BEING > not get married and tell everyone to fuck off , work day and night to make this a reality - my freedom is WORTH SOMETHING
>>33704944What makes me believe this side is possible - there's been a few instances in life where I was just totally free spirited , people loved me , girls were a breeze etc. But those times never last. The logical brain part of me> you held out this long, at this point you are behind the curve on the dating ball being KHV at this age - arranged marriage is the way to go and I SHOULD double down on becoming a religious personality and identity > its not the religions fault , I have peers who grew up happy and healthy , its my shit home , the rules saved you from trash/filth/stds / pregnancies etc > I was never "chad" anyway so its not like I was gonna have an easy ride if anything maybe I was saved from even more depression due to women's games, etc> possibly a grass is greener effect But then I think about my depression, its very root is the lack of freedom. My mother has explicitly told me she doesn't want me to leave until I get married and hand me off to my wife , basically one cage to the next. I drive a little fast in traffic around trucks ONLY sometimes cause sometimes when facing what a fucking joke of a life this is - an accident wouldn't be so bad. What has kept me alive to this point is escapism and I'm on a detox challenge so the full brunt of this reality is just hitting every fucking day , every fucking hour , im trying to challenge it into motivation but not sure which direction I should go. Horror movies give me joy because its the only time I see anyone in a more miserable state than me.
>>33704948Which direction should I go? Keep being a goody two shoes, finish what I started?Or have a crash out of charlie sheen/McAfee level porportions and basically get excommunicated from my family and support networkOR fuck this whole damn game, marry the arranged marriage woman , do that side , see some hoes on the side anyway and live a double life , this is despicable but when you've had you're whole TWENTIES THE PRIME OF YOUR LIFE robbed from you from a woman no less - you tend to be a little pissed. Just go full machiavellian basically.
That's it post over
>>33704933Alright bro here's my take, I think you should go Charlie Sheen. I was "lost" until I started acting like him. He's like controlled chaos. It changed my life for the better. I'm 26 btw. Fuck that arranged marriage. This part may be bad advice but it's what I would do....use her and just cheat. I'm literally in my PRIME and have a long term gf but live that double life. Become Charlie Sheen but that doesn't mean you have to automatically crash out. It means you truly are free and don't care about what other people think. Also taking one from Charlie Sheen's book, if you're mentally strong then drugs/alcohol literally propel you. If you're family doesn't approve then fk them seriously. I have a crazy family too and have regular crash outs but they can't tell me anything cuz I'm literally "winning" in life. In 4 years I developed so many skills and I'm not even close to slowing down the train. Lock in bro. What are you going to school for? You think it's over but I see potential. BTW 5 is not small. I never had a complaint. Think of it like a gun, you can be deadly if you knew what you were doing
>>33705055That's my thing I feel guilty for wanting sex and success because objectively I know from all the spiritual training , its the WRONG thing to do , I also know consumptive acts like sex are unsatisfactory in the long run but is the opposite drought conditions really good for anyone either? I think even for spiritual development - it would have been faster to have a hoe phase and get over it than to linger in perpetual virginity wondering what if But when I think about which future would get me out of bed and willing to suffer until my early 30s at this rate to turn it around - its the one where I have a malibu beach house like 2 and a half men kek I wouldn't be a "bad" person, I'd volunteer and still be a good person. I just wouldn't care about the opinion of women or "their feelings" or whatever the fuck.
>>33705093Trust me I'm spiritual. It's not extremes like going all out fucking hoes VS no sex. There's a medium and not having sex is actually depressing. With randoms its like one time every two weeks for me.Lol that malibu house is a big motivator and it's only impossible if you don't take action. To fuel that action you have to have fun. Go out and live that Charlie Sheen life.I just started going to school a year ago an have been so locked in since then. I took fall spring and summer full time classes, worked full time, and took care of my grandparents cuz they're elderly. My fuel (vices) is going out clubbing secretly, drinking, smoking, talking to other girls and just living a crazy lifestyle to relieve my stress. I truly believe this is the way to the top. You can get there bro. Btw about your height too my 5'6 friend absolutely pulls. You just have to start becoming that high value person you want to be
