I am genuinely completely out of ideas as to what to do in regards to my suicidality. I am constantly suicidal no matter what I do. Even when everything's fine, even when I'm happy, I just still constantly want to kill myself.
Then perhaps seek refuge with this matter outside of your boundary, and know that each step away is each step you would have grown.There may be things which you know, things you do not know, and things you do not know which you do not know. Strength of character may trump knowledge with this particular.For now, it may be wise to collect these lessons where and when you find them such as: there may possibly be stronger forces than happiness and what you feel.
Tell us about your lifeDo you find your desire to die to be tied to something?Also, don't do it. Just don't. How old are you?
>>33714261I'm sorry, but I don't really fully understand your post.>>33714312I'm 24, I live with my parents, I never had a job, I failed school, I can't drive a car, Never had a relationship. But the thing is, my urge to die is, seemingly, not at all related to my circumstances. Like, right now, everything's fine, everything's going cool, I have all the stuff that I need. And yet, I'd still just rather kill myself if I could. It's not because I'm upset or sad or anything, in fact, I'm in a very neutral default state right now. But I just don't want to be part of this game anymore.
>>33714330Nigga please, you have everything? Life isn't just about food and a roof to live under.As a 34 year old who has been hiding behind the "everything is fine, I just hate life" mask, I can tell you have a lot of stuff to unpack. Brother, you came here looking for help, to save you from quitting your "fine" life. Something is definitely NOT fucking fine with you and your life.How are your parents? Is there any pressure for you do "fix" the whole>never had a job, I failed school, I can't drive a car, Never had a relationshipYou seem self conscious of these "failures", but everything is "fine". Take a deep breath, and search inside you, how you truly feel. Because it seems to me you have been putting a lid on your feeling your entire life. You say life is a game. Are you frustrated with playing it? Have you faced rejection at some point? Disappointment? The thing about school, how was it? Open up, man. Let it out.
>>33714330There may be stronger things than the thoughts which drive you toward it, and you may be able to enlist these forces if you dare extend from where you are.
>>33714358I am more than willing to share with you any and all information that you may deem relevant. My parents are getting a bit up in age, but still able for now, I suppose. The thing is, I genuinely cannot fix the whole thing about the job, or school, or car, or relationship. I'm not a defeatist in nature. I really am not. But simply put, there is too much work and effort that has to be put into these things than I can reasonably expect out of myself. I am genuinely autistic, I am genuinely learning disabled, and I've been since I was a kid. So I can't even do basic math, and I really can't get a GED, and therefore can't get a job. And I don't think I'd be able to pass the driver's license test either. Because simply put, I cannot sit down and study for that sort of thing without eventually having a meltdown and hitting myself in the head while crying. Due to my severe autism. To be sure, this set of circumstances is frustrating, but believe it or not, I really don't think that even if all of this were upended and changed, that I would suddenly want to be alive. Even if I was the richest man in the world or had some sort of deity-like powers, simply put, I do not enjoy the process of being or experiencing or being a conscious entity at all whatsoever.>>33714359I mean, the closest thing to that that I could come up with would be perhaps the notions of, well, the idea that I could potentially make life a better place for myself and others. That is a very powerful notion in my view, if that's the sort of thing you're getting at.
>>33714381Then perhaps this better place may hold your answers.And here is me hoping. Carry on.
>>33714381Have you had any professionals look into your disabilities? Is all of that properly diagnosed? >I cannot sit down and study for that sort of thing without eventually having a meltdown and hitting myself in the head while crying.How do you feel about this? You seem like a pretty self conscious person, what goes in your mind when this happens?Also, what are your interests? Games, music, movies, anything.>simply put, I do not enjoy the process of being or experiencing or being a conscious entity at all whatsoever.Man... listen, I know how you feel. I had my moments. Most recently after a breakup, a terrible feeling that I wholeheartedly hope you go through one day, and I wish you this not out of cruelty, but because love can be a very powerful force, and a great opportunity to learn in life. And considering what you said here>the idea that I could potentially make life a better place for myself and others. That is a very powerful notion in my viewI think you have a lot of love in you. I think you want to do well for your folks. I can imagine they may have a bit of worry about your future and well being. And I think you crave some personal satisfaction. Human are meant to work, to be active, to produce, and in a sad way, to struggle. I understand you already struggle enough with your disabilities, but there is a good kind of struggle, like learning a craft, working on a project, etc.
>>33714381Not American, but do you need a GED for every job? Get ANY job. Something outside of this rigid monotony. I'm autistic. I have meltdowns. Its tough as fuck. But life is so worth living bro. It took me 3 times to get my math qual but I did it, and then I was able to get into university, and I got an actual degree. I genuinely believed that was something that wasnt permitted to me. But I fucking got one. Ive been married, divorced, travelled. At the moment im in a slump and single and not doing too great but thats part of it, life's just circles man. You just need the fight in you. You need passionWhat do you want?
>>33714422I agree with your take, Anon, but the thing is, I have overcame struggles in my life already. I've achieved goals, accomplished things, you know, I've made music, YouTube videos, I've fought on boxing matches, won a few, and I've had good times. But it's not always about that. It's not even about sadness, necessarily. Like recently I've been in a perfectly fine mood and all that, but it's just... I've also been very suicidal, even though I've been perfectly content. And I have plenty of hobbies, plenty. I love music, I'm big into philosophy, and I love boxing, though they're my big free. And as for my opinion on what happens when I have these consistent meltdowns when I try to study subjects that I am not well-versed in, I feel rather disappointed and ashamed of myself, I admit, and confused over why it happens. But needless to say, math at anything above a 5th grade, 6th grade level, it just starts to cause me to cry.
>>33714431In America, it is virtually impossible, in my experience, to get any job whatsoever with no GED. I have heard stories of people somehow gaming the system and getting around it, but I have not, in my experience, ever encountered any job that would allow you to sign up with no GED. Not a single one. Like, it's borderline illegal, actually, I think. I'm not sure though, but I think it is actually illegal to get a job without a GED. Oh, I'm passionate about a wide variety of things. I can be simultaneously passionate and suicidal. These aren't mutually exclusive feelings, in my experience.
>>33714208After my dad's untimely and sudden death, I was in the same boat. I faked it for a full year and a half but I was never happy. What finally helped me was rescuing a kitten I saw on the side of the road. It's far from ok even now, but I have a purpose now at least. I've been able to find some peace by helping others instead, it helps me stop thinking about my own dark thoughts. Please think about getting involved with something, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. Wishing you the best.
I don't think you want to kill yourself, I think you want something else out of life but that is simply being expressed in your mind as "I don't want to live". Ponder that genuinely. What do you actually want that you don't already have? How can you obtain that?You didn't hear it from me either, but there is an odd comfort in the fact that in the back of your head, you know you can always dip if it really comes down to it.
>>33714499I mean, I've heard this sort of sentiment, but the truth of the matter is, I know very well that if I had a way to leave, then I would take it. Another thing, I cannot fathom what exactly type of life I would even want to live. I mean, even if I were to go completely fantastical and imagine a heavenly world where everything was perfect and beautiful and I was the richest man on earth with infinite god powers or whatever, etc. etc. I still think I would just want to not exist.
>>33714437>I've also been very suicidal, even though I've been perfectly content.See, I get it, but think with me., what made you come here ask for advice?You're suicidal, but you are conscious of it. You haven't acted on it, thankfully. You want help.Something is missing from your life, anon. A challenge, perhaps. I desire for an experience. Legit talk, I think you need to get yourself into some trouble, you know? Sounds stupid, but like the other anons said, you gotta get involved with something, anything.Did a quick google search and there are jobs that don't require GED's, but honestly, how the world is right now, that might be least of your worries.I could be wrong, but I feel like your major problem is that you lack purpose. And I STILL feel like you're suppressing your feelings. See, when you life a relatively comfortable life, you tend to downplay your own feelings because "it wouldn't make sense to be sad/angry/whatever". I know because I've been there all my life, dude. Like you don't deserve happiness, like you don't have a place in the world. Its tough, you don't want to complain, but can't get out of your own way.>>33714431Life does have a tendency to kick us in the shin from time to time. How old are you, anon, if you don't mind me asking.>>33714468>What finally helped me was rescuing a kitten I saw on the side of the road.NiceAnything that keeps us going is worth it. So long as you're alive, the possibilities are endless. You're gonna make it, anon
>>33714330I'm also 24, can't drive, kissless virgin, and struggling in school. One thing I've learnt from many years of NEETdom is that life needs a driver to feel worth living. If you hit a dead end and stop attempting to change or make progress you will find yourself in a complacent stupor that devolves into a delusion of >Nothing can change, I have lost entirely. But you are still young, you didn't "fail school" you failed those classes. You can go back and make something of yourself or join the military or get a certification or anything really.You can't lie to yourself, you know what you should be doing and what you aren't doing. That guilt exists in your mind and the only way to stave it off is to make an honest effort in ways you know are valuable. Also consider that "neutrality" and if it is actually neutral or rather a calloused emotional response hardened from past experiences. >>33714514Would you leave living or would you leave your current life? If you could either go to become nothing or be reborn as GigaChad with money, success, a social life and circle, and attractive partners which would you choose? If you choose the second one then that means you still have worldly attachment and those are things you can attain in this life still, albeit with hard work and bad days on the path there. Also if you are curious talk to a professional, you don't need to sign up for any brain altering chemicals, just speak to someone who is trained to help you verbalize your subconscious thoughts and lead you to another view of yourself and your thoughts.You have nothing to lose if your alternative is death. As a Christian I will also recommending considering religion. Read scholarly debates or theologian writings by intelligent writers such as Thomas Aquinas. I've found that a purpose beyond strictly material helps me keep going, it isn't a "lie to yourself" situation either. I think the evidence of Christ's works are apparent in written account.
>>33714514>>33714514>even if I were to go completely fantastical and imagine a heavenly world where everything was perfect and beautiful and I was the richest man on earth with infinite god powers or whatever, etc. etc. I still think I would just want to not exist.Bro, you're way too young. No one fucking knows what kind of life they want. Some people think they do, but its just a mask. The future is, and always will be, uncertain, and we are all just hacking it. You need goals and purpose not for the future, but for the present. To keep you going. There is plenty of pleasure to be had in life, but you gotta be alive to experience it.
>>33714531>>33714514One more thing I would like to add is that you aren't alone in your perceived mental dead end. That won't magically cure you but for me at least it is easier to continue getting up every day and getting my proverbial ass kicked when I remember that others have experienced, are experiencing, and overcame the struggles I also contend with. You don't know what you don't know, even when you think you have found a true conclusion, new experience or input can reveal a completely different conclusion. It would be a shame to shut yourself off to new stimulus and not experience what could be yours due to a false belief in the finality of your thoughts and outcomes.
>>33714531To be completely fair, I am actually not allowed to join the military due to my autism and and mental health issues. I don't actually have any guilt regarding these things, because I genuinely don't think that I would have benefited much even from completing these sorts of tasks, such as getting my GED, or driver's license. I don't think I would have benefited much from them, and I don't feel guilt over it, although I do admit that they are roadblocks to getting done a wide variety of things that I am required to do in daily life.Also, I hate to say, but my issues here have nothing to do with my sense of self-worth or my sense of my own valuableness. I have done semi-valuable tasks in the past. It is not about a feeling of inadequacy or worthlessness in my particular case. As for the hypothetical between the GigaChad scenario and the nonexistent scenario, I would select the nonexistent scenario easily.In many ways, I am already a GigaChad, not to boast, but I have abnormally high levels of confidence and am moderately handsome, considering the fact that I am, in fact, genuinely autistic.>>33714535I mean, I have heard such notions before, however, in my experience, the worst times of my life were the moments where I've had a purpose, or a goal, or a job, or objective, or something of the sort. I must disagree with people like Viktor Frankl that say people require a purpose or meaning in life. In my experience, it's always led to my detriment, attempting to have a purpose or meaning.
>>33714552>because I genuinely don't think that I would have benefited much even from completing these sorts of tasks, such as getting my GED,It seems we also have dropping out in common, I personally did benefit from self teaching high school math, science, and reading because the high scores on the GED and SAT helped me get decent grants and financial aid. That's not to put you down but a GED does matter for a lot of things in a professional sense.I would wager that you have done what I tend to do, reasoned yourself into a hole that is very hard to get yourself out of due to it being based in observed experience and reason, so since it isn't "wrong" denying it would only be "lying to yourself". I think you should see a professional, again I personally wouldn't ever take any mind altering drugs so I would not ever actively say anyone else should either but just having a different viewpoint on yourself can be very valuable especially from someone who is trained to pick up on and uncover subconscious or hidden motives and reasonings. As rational we may be, humans are still prone to many mental blind spots, which professionals are taught to uncover. Strong belief in your own ability to think also makes it even harder to see your own blind spots. It's not about coercing yourself into delusions or false beliefs, it's about uncovering what you truly believe without bias or subconscious influences.My plan after dropping out to caretake for an alcoholic parent was to play video games until I hit 30 and then off myself, I found ample reason to change my plans and I hope you can find some clarity and reach a more positive conclusion as well. I don't say this to disparage you but I know that my reasoning can be flawed in ways I can't comprehend until someone else points them out to me, I can also overthink molehills into mountains without external input to help me mentally realign.
>>33714552>in my experience, the worst times of my life were the moments where I've had a purpose, or a goal, or a job, or objective, or something of the sort.Come on, anon... You've been hurt. You've suffered. Your life isn't all peaches as you're trying to sell us.Tell us more.
>>33714617Well, I failed school since a young grade and was put in special ed early and then kicked out of school because I failed special ed. I never had any romantic partners of any sort. I had a rather rough upbringing, I suppose. My parents and family would argue a lot. My brother would beat up my parents a lot. My brother would also beat up me quite a lot. I was once arrested and found guilty for something that I did not do, which is why I was expelled from school for the last time.I was sent to the mentor ward three different times, and each and every time was a horrible experience. Truly nightmarish.
>>33714208
>>33714689>I was sent to the mentor ward three different times, and each and every time was a horrible experience. Truly nightmarish.I think this is above our paygrade guys. That being said I wish you the best OP , I will say this - you are depressed in part because you have been rejected by society on sooooo many levels and lack of achievement, your suicidal response is actually somewhat natural given what a hard life you've had. I just want you to know, its not your fault. We live in such toxic and unsympathetic times and gatekeepers of wealth that would rather see you starve then get even some basic support. I understand your skepticism with professionals, there's an old saying "psychiatrists only know how to add" , ie they just keep piling on medication without any regard for the consequence it seems. If you still have your bills covered: > focus on something that you can achieve at , this CAN include videogames given your state but IRL skill is still somewhat preferred cause its more rewarding to win IRL , even chess or card games would be suitable given they often have clubs and nerds are somewhat more understanding of autists but you still have to mask / crack some jokes or engage though. > get your GED , use khan academy to learn , search up study guides for various grade levels,level up > If you actually care about yourself , want to take initiative , do this purely for the sake of yourself , that you ARE worth savinghttps://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself It's not perfect but it is therapy in a nutshell, you can do it on your own and if you want 4 key books for depression , I can share a google doc link if u want also if u dont know how to pirate shit for free and search amazon for top books. Depression is NO JOKE - it actually cognitively makes you stupider and more likely to have executive action , what you feel regarding suicidality is very common , you need CBT to really rewire your thinking as best you can.
>>33714689God damn, bro.You've lived a lot, for your age. I got some traumas and I didn't go through shit half as bad as you did. I can't even begin to understand how bad you must feel. And I'm so sorry for you, man. A tumultuous family can wreck havoc on our psyches. You probably have a fear of intimacy, and I say this out of experience. Man... I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this.Have you ever tried therapy, anon? Can you afford it? That's kind of a lot to unpack. And not to be insensitive, but I don't feel like the people around here are qualified to guide you through it.This talk of "things are fine" is very common in people who went through what you did. You don't want to complain. You have a "good" life now, your basics needs have been met, so you think you don't deserve to feel bad about your past. But you do, man. I can just tell you're someone eager to live, but with no energy to do so. You gotta figure your shit out, dive deep into your history and yourself, cause I'm telling you, you got work to do. And do it now, while you're young. I'm ten years older and I wish I started sooner. Trust me on this.
Find a stupid reason to live. New pizza flavor, favorite tv show, the sound of birds. You said yourself a grand purpose is a burden and you’ve never been satisfied from it.Sucks to be society’s reject and go through hard shit. I know it. Been through a lot of the same as you’ve mentioned. Stop fucking measuring yourself by all that shit. Stop piling those memories on yourself. You are not what happened to you. I don’t give a fuck about your GED bullshit, hard print bullshit limits. Stop defining yourself by what other people expect.You want to die because you hate that you aren’t what everyone else says you should be. You want to die because you’ve been beaten and punished by life and now you punish yourself.What if you could just do the work to imagine yourself is enough as is. I don’t care if you succeed. I care if you live.
>>33714917I understand what you're saying, and all that, and I would, for the most part, agree with you. However, I should clarify that, like I said, even if all this stuff wasn't the case, I would still, simply put, really not want to exist. And I assure you, it is not at all because of my shortcomings, such as my lack of education or job, that has led me to my suicidal tendencies. In fact, I really don't give much weight to those things very much at all. But I did find them relevant enough to mention, I suppose. The truth of the matter is, it's not a matter of self-hatred or unhappiness. Right now, for instance, I feel perfectly fine, I don't have any strong opinions on myself one way or the other, and I, simply put, do not want to be alive. I just don't like existing.
Get a job as a janitor. Find a special assistance clinic that does job placement for mentally disabled people. Work construction under the table. Advertise on Facebook.You don’t have to be happy to live. Most of us aren’t. But you deserve the experience anyways. Don’t throw that away - why? I think the real motivation is that you hate yourself. That’s why you feel pervasively suicidal even when happy or relaxed. You hate that you’re disabled and mentally different and you aren’t like other people.Still deserve a life. You still deserve to be here. So be here. Stay.
>>33714945What do you define as existing then? The experience of being in society? The physical sensation of breathing? Feeling sun on your skin?What is existing for you?
>>33714953Honest to God, I really do not have any strong opinion on myself one way or the other. I mean, many years ago I used to alternate between delusions of grandeur and severe self hatred, but that neutraled out a long time ago.And further, even when I imagine me living a life that is completely, perfectly fine, or as if in some heavenly scenario, I still simply put do not want to be there, and I really don't think out of self-hatred, but simply out of hatred for existence itself. It's not self-hatred, it is hatred, don't get me wrong, but it's not hatred of me, it's hatred of life, existence.
>>33714968being conscious at all whatsoever. I suppose.
>>33714980Yeah, swinging the pendulum between self hatred and grandiosity with burn you out anon. It’s why you’re in this pit of fucking apathy. Your mind can’t decide if you’re worthless or if you’re magnificent, so it decides you’re null and void. Apathy is one of the strongest forms of depression. >it’s not myself i hate i swear>it’s the nebulous all encompassing experience of being alive, a state which is naturally filtered through the fucking body and soul i inhabit and craftdo you understand it yet? you can’t feel the desire to destroy yourself and say it has nothing to do with your concept of yourself as a person. Your mind is just tired of fighting.
>>33715005And again, I understand what you're saying, but in my personal case and experience, I really don't see the connection .I personally do not think that the crux of my issue here has to do with my view of myself. Or at least I am blind to how it is related. If I were to try to define the issue myself, I really do think that it is my personal view of the world and life in general. Simply put, I do not like what life is. I don't like how reality is set up. I feel like stuff like the sunsets, how gravity works, how nature generally looks, how our physical forms look and how they operate, I just don't like any of this system. And it's just incompatible with me.
>>33714984You need to tell yourself that you deserve to live no matter the costs. I cannot stress this enough, no matter your mood or the circumstances, if you’re happy and suicidal if you’re unhappy and struggling, if you’re bleeding out on a goddamn street corner - you have to tell yourself that you deserve to live. Every time you consciously or subconsciously acknowledge your suicidal desire, your brain wires that inside you, sets it in place like the flow of a river — you cannot accept that.You can’t accept that thought. Every moment you accept that this apathy, you surrender to it. You give up, bit by bit and you die each time. You kill parts of yourself until you end up here, anonymously asking total strangers for advice on why you want to die.
>>33715046>You need to tell yourself that you deserve to live no matter the costsbut i clearly said that i dont hate myself, why do i want such a bad thing to happen to me ? : (
>>33715022Idiot. Every part of this world is built to have you in it. Even this moment is meant for you to be here. We’re two fucked up monkeys on a floating rock talking to each other through a bunch of symbols on a scifi tech piece that didn’t even exist 30 years ago.You exist, and the world surrounding you is as much part of you as you are it.
>>33715055Do you understand what it means to like yourself?
>>33715073ok, but what do i if i simply dont like it and want it to go away ?
>>33715095i dont know. I mean, i like me, im alright i suppose. I dont know
>>33715096The world will not go away. You want to destroy yourself so that you can stop experiencing all the pain and shame and uncertainty— and it will all still be here, and you won’t be. And the world would genuinely suffer for it, because you already make it something other than those things - anon your life doesn’t have to end here. You don’t have to prove yourself. You don’t have to be great. You can actually just live a simple life and have that life be selfish even, in a certain measure.
>>33715129This is where im going to get a lil dark with you friend. What if i like the notion of removing myself from life, "especially" if it makes the world a worse place without me, so i can metaphorically stick it to "the powers that be" so to speak, as if to say "How dare you invite me here, did you expect me to stay?" I know that sounds crazy, edgy, silly, ect but sometimes thats how i feel
>>33715104Have you ever seen someone who has died anon? Seen them in a casket? Anon, you being dead is something that would never, ever change. You would be completely lost to this world. Your voice, your face, your thoughts, your smile. That loss genuinely is never something that can be replicated or replaced. I don’t care if you have an identical twin. You have no equal and no person who can be exactly as you are.
>>33715154So you can punish the universe for your suffering? Punish the world because you haven’t been shown kindness, because you’ve been beaten and feel you aren’t successful or worthy enough? You die and everyone else finally suffers like you do, is that it?
>>33715176Its not because i suffered at all. If i was born onto a heavenly paradise id still kill myself because i just dont like like. I dont expect anyone to suffer really. its like flipping off a driver that cut you off, its the principle of the matter. The universe, i felt, is trying to force me into this and on principle alone one ought refuse .
>>33714208If you haven't already, start a fitness routine. You can't separate your mind and body, and it's extremely cathartic to workout. It's also important to have something real that you have complete control over and can progress at from week to week, which isn't always there in other areas of life.You don't need fancy equipment. You can start now and do pushups and situps on your floor.It's not a cure-all, but exercise is as effective at treating depression as taking antidepressants are (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5430071/)
>>33715195When was the very first time you can remember wanting to die? The very first time. Can you remember?
>>33715199I agree that this is good advice, but I am already technically a sub amateur level boxer. I already have over 10 fights.>>33715204I was seven years old, and I was in kindergarten, and the teacher was talking about something, and I remember just standing there thinking, "man , I really don't want to do this, I really don't want to be part of this, and I really don't like the fact that I'm going to have to be going back to this school area over and over and over again for the foreseeable future." Obviously I didn't really have the exact words to phrase it that sort of way at the time, but that's what I was thinking. And I recall I immediately went over and tried to stick metal in the outlet right in there at the kindergarten, and the teacher had to stop me.
>>33715216I was 9, and I wanted to know if God really existed, and if there was an answer for what was being done to me. My older brother tried to commit suicide multiple times. Got hospitalized and shrinked. Drugged up so much he had facial tics. He had a son. And he decided to live to be in his life. He died due to complications with his diabetes and his insulin pump ran out while he was passed out on psych meds. You can die any day anon. For any reason. Deciding to be the one to pull the trigger doesn’t mean a thing to the universe, to God, to karma or to the dirt. You’ll just be dead. And the people in your life will suffer. They will wake up every day with the weight of your absence like a boulder that never shifts. And you’ll never see the snow again. Or hear someone’s radio blare out of their car. Or type on this mongolian basket weaving forum. You wouldn’t be here now to talk with me.
>>33715216I just don’t want you to die, anon. It’ll happen eventually, in its own time. Can we not decide to make the best of it until then?
>>33715266well im sorry for my family members but never having to see snow, or hear a radio, i mean, yay? i hate seeing snow. I hate nature in general actually. these are reasons against your case
>>33715281Pretty thin reasons to decide to kill yourself anon.
>>33715290why do i need a reason in the first place
>>33715281You may never find “the reason” to live. Never find that purpose or desire that feels like the true meaning for why you’re here.But you can find reasons to not die. Even simple shit like wanting to eat pizza rolls tomorrow.That’s my advice anon.
>>33715298You don’t believe in the value of your own life.
>>33715298I hope you stay anon. I want you to live.
>>33715314its true, just dont care how much its worth, i just really dont , i guess thats true
>>33715320You have value beyond measure anon. The moment you were born, the moment you first grew and became part of this world. The world doesn’t exist without you here to experience it and give it meaning.
>>33715332alright but youre saying all this like life and the world and such are "good" things and i just cant wrap my head around that, i mean, i find nothing bad about the idea of the world not existing. Im cool with that, i cant help but just feel itd all be better if none of it existed in the first place at all
>>33714208hey bro, I live a very normal life but I've dealt with suicidal ideation most of my adult lifeyou gotta control your depression, the suicidal ideation won't go away but it might become like those people that see the edge of a cliff and suddenly think about throwing themselves off of it. Do they do it? never, but they think about itit's like thatI have that idea constantly and it comes to mind at least once a day when I'm ok and many many times a day when I'm depressed, but as long as you don't let it control you it just becomes part of your routine>wanting to kill myself or ideas on how to kill myself will become part of my routine what are you talking about anonlike I said, I can function for months at a time with suicidal ideations and be happy, go to parties, have a significant other, take care of my aging parents etc etcit just becomes like an emergency parachute in case things go ugly, most planes are made with those but most planes and pilots never got to use them right?well think of your suicide as a get out of jail card, only use it if things get really direI for example plan on killing myself if my cozy upper middle class and passive income lifestyle changes and I'm forced to work or just live to work instead of work for fun from time to time.
>>33714208Get a motorcycle
>>33715983i cant drive a vehicle at all
>>33714208why are you suicidal?
I can't make sense of life. I'm 31 and I have done nothing all my life except work wagie jobs. I had one gf ever and I pushed her away and broke her heart. I don't want another one. I have zero friends, I can't function socially around people, I flunked out of college 4 times because my confidence is utterly destroyed and I'm terrible at everything. I don't know what to do except continue plowing along as a wagie living with my parents until they die. My siblings are all successful people. I was the only freak. They didn't develop psychosis or have autism or get bullied in school or be ugly, it was just me. I don't know what I did. I blame my parents for having me in their 40s.
>>33716014There's a variety of reasons. I simply put Do Not Like Life at its core, and I don't want to experience it.
