So I asked Reddit but then gave up because everyone sucks there so I came here(where people also suck but at least they reply haha)I’d consider myself p attractive like I get harassed often so that must mean something. I have this weird complex where I disregard anybody who I don’t find attractive initially. If I’m the one who is getting pursued I feel gross like I’m being hunted. Like my mind is being disregarded. I’d prefer my thoughts to be what draws someone in opposed to appearance.SO!! my strategy is to turn to online spaces: since you rely on only text you get to know a person before you do the face reveal.. but I can’t find any spaces online where it doesn’t seem like a competition with everyone else fighting to get noticed in a discord or something.And all the games I play people are woke to the point it’s annoying.. like I’m ‘woke’ I guess but not like THAT. I’m a hypocrite though because I do really gravitate towards like feminine lanky guys, maybe that’s where the feeling of disgust comes from lol.. regardless if talking to potential partner isn’t interesting or fun or anything and is just ‘hehe silly car:3’ get the fuck out of here. People put up the same recycled personalities and it’s so boring. I sound like I have a superiority complex or something typing this but ykwim, genuine people is what I want .. also sorry for rambling.. if someone says some bs “WOMEN HAVE IT EASY” or that I’m larping go away, you lack any nuanced thinking and u need to sit in a corner
>>33724311>my strategy is to turn to online spacesThere is your problem OP, that's a bad strategy. Online shit is weird and has bad dynamics.My advice to you is to just pursue men you like. You see a prettyboy lanklet you like irl, go chat him up and get his number. If you make the first move, you won't feel pursued
>>33724311I'd up to chilling. Play some vidja and hang out. FromSunToMoon
>>33724493I feel like a villain whenever I find people attractive irl… but, I will try to follow your advice
>>33724589 mmmmmhmmmm tell me about your self (interview) Also sorry 4 late reply I went to sleep.. goes for the anon who gave advice too :’o
>>33725984He has a girl in Texas named Maria. Don’t even bother
>>33724311>I have this weird complex where I disregard anybody who I don’t find attractive initially.That’s all girls. >If I’m the one who is getting pursued I feel gross like I’m being hunted. Like my mind is being disregardedThat’s because you drank the modern bullshit koolaide>I do really gravitate towards like feminine lanky guys, maybe that’s where the feeling of disgust comes from lolYou are existing in a state of cognitive dissonance. You have convinced yourself that people who are physically attracted to you are predatory. So you then go after effeminate simps and they gross you out because femininity and passivity is not attractive in men. You’ve got to unwire this bullshit brainwashing that makes you not want to be desired by the guys you are ACTUALLY attracted to.
>>33726018O na… thanks for letting me know
>>33726066>That’s because you drank the modern bullshit koolaideWell, she's kind of right on that one, not that it's bad per se, some guys will try to "hunt" you actually listening to you to check if you're "game" or not
>>33724311Online you won't get any genuine connection that easy, happens more irl. Irl you can also sense if any connection exists pretty fast. Online it's pure luck, like just doing something as an interest and you happen to meet some lanky cute guy by chance.
>>33726066Haha I was tired when I wrote that, like I can still develop attraction to them but I trick myself into thinking I was manipulated or some crazy shit like that.Maybe I’m secretly a lesbian and this is just a cope idk.. I’m seeing a therapist soon maybe the weird paranoia shit will go away lol..
>>33726150You’re not a lesbian. You’re just talking yourself out of wanting the people that you are naturally attracted to. >I trick myself into thinking I was manipulated or some crazy shit like that.It’s this. Our existences are not a social construct. Biology is our primary driver. Men pursue; Women select. The social stuff is added onto that, like wanting to be wanted for your mind and not your body, etc. That’s why i used “cognitive dissonance” specifically: you are holding two opposing beliefs inside of you, biology and the added social layer are at odds with each other, causing this internal anxiety. Let yourself be a girl.
>>33725984Early 30s/m/white. I like late night conversations that sparks curiosity or a little mischief that leads to something more.Tech, psychology, vidja, reading, writing. I like to learn new skills, currently into furniture building. I thrift and search for Overlooked finds to turn into something beautiful. I like to hike, swim, explore and experience the world.
>>33726018I'm not dating Maria.
>>33726188I’m 18 </3 but u seem interesting tho… sorry budAlso idk if the Maria thing was fr or what but fix that if u are
>>33726205I'm chill with 18. More interested in you as a person. Nah, it's over with her.
>>33726412Well I meant “sorry bud” as in sorry I don’t want any more people in my circle 10+ years above my age.. I have wayy too many friends fitting that description lol
Genuine connection does not exist in a provable state. All you feel or believe about a person exists withing your subjective perspective. If you want to feel connected to someone, you simply have to allow the possibility. Concious and unconcious barriers are preventing you. You can feel like you have a genuine connection with anyone on this planet until you obtain information that contradicts that belief. You have to let yourself be open to the possibility of connection. It has nothing to do with your superficial preferences, or your pretentious ego. It's about letting go of those things, and meeting someone who tries to do the same with you. It doesn't happen often, don't expect it. Most of the time, love is one sided and blinded by something feeding the ego or preferences we think we need in another, only to find out all that you saw was just that-- in your head, when enough information reveals itself.I don't believe you seek connection, I believe you seek effort. Good fucking luck with that
>>33726515This was honestly really beautiful I’d bawl my eyes out if it wasn’t midday right now..I don’t even have any response that’s like THAT beneficial to this conversation other than thank you for your thoughts..This hit me like a truck
>>33726464Agreed. Sorry bud, what you said is a red flag and I'd rather steer clear of that character trait. Not into that.
>>33726558I only speak from experience. It's something I've dwelt on a lot having my heart broken for the first time too late in my life. I always appreciated and loved who she was but I perceived her as something she wasn't once we got involved. She did not meet my needs and she did not even try to make us work as a genuine couple. After all that time of knowing her as a close friend, we both somehow ended up feeling used and hurting each other by being intimate together. I wanted more and she wanted less. But I look back on it and with the rose glasses off, I recognize that she never moved in the direction I did for us. That's why I talk of effort.Despite her responding with "I love you" in turn, I ended up just being some form of supportive rebound for her. How easily she separated herself afterwards, and now wants nothing to do with me. I try to see things from her perspective. She was not ready or capable of meeting me where I was. I am no expert on these things. I have little experience but I learn fast. I recognize that we are all perceiving beings, writing our own stories for things that happen in our lives in our own heads and that framing sets the tone for our day to day lives. I don't exactly know how to move on yet, but I know it starts with adjusting my perception, and maybe one day putting in that same effort to someone again.I've been where you are, high and mighty, not wanting to let anyone in. But pay attention. If there is someone signalling interest and putting in effort to get to know you, you should consider responding in kind. Cast aside judgement. You can't ask for someone "interesting" to appear and appease your desire when you deny everyone the chance based on the superficial things you first observe and assume.
>>33727013Yes and no, what you said holds if it's not the case of distortion, delusion, lies, manipulation. When narcs write a piece of fiction with words will be said just to sway emotions and rewrite the factual past to fit someone's agenda by twisting and shaping perceived current emotions past what they actually are without regard to the truth. Narcs can rot.
>>33727034Well that is the risk that must be taken isn't it? One has to allow themselves to be in a position of potential harm and then not be harmed by someone in order to gain trust, or the feeling of a deep "connection" with another. It's proof, at least, a percieved proof.Trust and truely good intentions can never be confirmed, only displayed through actions-- and perhaps misinterpreted, as you say. It is true that manipulators and abusers exist and do what they do, but a trained eye can spot them a mile away, and suspicion will only serve to undermine genuine effort when it is present. It is ultimately perception based, and a distrusting, skeptical mind will see that same bitterness in others and their actions, whether it is there or not, and will destroy built goodwill at it's very foundation. Allowing vulnerability is the only, risky way to achieve the sense of connection someone like OP seeks.
>>33727075Direct communication is done in turns. In that turn is the act of faithfulness and good faith in the other. I did my turn of direct communication and so it's best I leave things as they are and keep swimming. Best I don't say more just let things happen
>>33727013Sorry for late reply profound anon, I was at the movies..In your last paragraph you suggested casting aside judgement and responding in kind: I try giving people the initial benefit of the doubt but it’s always outweighed by whatever other wall I put up. So.. is this just something I can only get from experience or you can bless me with your wisdom some more..Because yeah within friendships I do feel like I had to prompt the other party to give a bigger sliver of effort.. it falls flat because that’s not who they are and that’s fine. But it’s disappointing to see that the friendship isn’t what it COULD be.. I’m trailing off but yk
>>33727405I can't speak much on what I don't know. It may be a maturity thing. It might be you expect something from others you need to build in yourself. You have to work on what issues cause you to put those walls up. My past relationship had issues of this nature. I'm not sure I ever saw her walls down more than once in person, and she was very avoidant and insecure to let me see her cry, or anger. She was so insistant that people "come and go," as she lost her dad young, and never had a place to fit in, always moving. She will never admit it, but I know that's why she thinks that way. Why she ran from someone who would challenge that tight-gripped belief. At least, that's my understanding.Nothing I did could change that belief in her, and I could only keep putting in effort for so long without being unrecipricated entirely. I even reached out to try to stay in touch with what I wanted to maintain as a dear friend, only to be met with cold fuck off replies that she used to say she would never do to someone. If that is her worldview, then she will continue that way with other relationships in her life, if she continues to ignore herself. She is gone from me, and I cannot alter or expect change from anyone but myself.It's possible your overt expectations of others is a projection of something inside yourself. As I said, I've been there, and I found that my contempt for others stems from issues with myself.What romantic experiences have you had? What are your friendships like? I know you've started the OP asking about how to gain connection, but maybe what you're looking for isn't what others can provide. If you've never been in a relationship, you must understand that, despite how close you can be with another, there are some things they cannot, and often, are unwillingly, to provide you. We all dream that a perfect person will fufill our needs, make us whole, but I've been on both ends of that desire, and it doesn't work that way.
>>33727580Idk how quote thing works but I’m gonna try it:>What romantic experiences have you had? What are your friendships like? I’ve never been in a romantic relationship but I’ve had friendships that borderlined on romance(but that’s just my perspective..so) I’ll give u a few examples so u can cross examine lolI met someone online on a game I liked and we had matching usernames so I initiated as a joke and we ended up really clicking we texted everyday constantly. Like 2 years ago? We ended up drifting apart or his mom was on his ass about something so I got tired of having to notice and being like “what’s wrong is your mom on you again” and then he would be like yea and then explain. It must’ve been something I did to make him like drift off too, I think I was too overbearing. But I wanted to communicate. I ended up ghosting him because I got the impression he was sick of me so I wrote him a nice goodbye letter good luck etc.. I miss him and contemplate reaching out but it’s best to leave things in the past.My friend from highschool, danny. I Initiated the first convo.. we’re good friends today, 4ish years later. She always had a different number one which is fine but younger me was SO jealous, ‘why am I nobody’s number 1’ was the phrase I would repeat in my head. I tell her a lot of things and she tells me but recently she broke up with her boyfriend so I asked her why and she wouldn’t tell me.. she doesnt trust me idk why. But recently she’s been going out with her other friends, they met 2 years after I met her. She never initiates I think of cutting her off.(see a pattern? lol) we still talk but I’m not feeling it totally. People drift it’s ok.If u need more examples lmk.. or was that rhetorical hahaI’m sure it’s some weird fucked up childhood thing because I would get sexually harassed a lot during puberty so I started being a hermit,.. also thanks for sharing your experience
>>33727696You sound young, like you don't know what you want, and that's normal for young adults. Relationships are never an easy thing to navigate when you have self-identity to sort out. Once again, very similar to my story on her end. She was not in the right place for either of us.It also sounds like you have no experience or context for relationships at all either, and that's fine. You learn a lot about yourself when you spend time with someone else, in an intimate way, sexually or not. But it changes when you get intimate physically and find yourself in a position to fufill another person's needs. It just isn't as simple as asking the theoretical "what do I want?" that the thread centers around. Not in a mutual, mature and loving relationship anyway.It helps to get out of your head, go with the flow. If someone is being good to you and not setting off any alarms, give them a chance. You have to allow the chance for chemistry to occur with others, no matter what direction it goes. But at the same time, act with intent. Don't mislead someone and be honest as you can about things. A real connection has to be based on honesty, and if you want out or don't want something more out of that connection, communicate that. Don't beat around the bush and don't ghost people anon. I can only advocate for that, if nothing else-- honesty is the only way to form a connection. You can't be accepted by anyone if you avoid the truth.
>>33727775This. Really, the best thing you can do is just hang out with the opposite sex more. It takes time, and you don't notice it because it takes so long, but you do end up learning more about how they operate, and how to actually disentangle the projection of your own expectations and desires from the person you are with.Because, ultimately, anyone you meet will not live up to your animus/anima. But you can learn why this mental archetype manifests the way it does for you. And that way, you can figure out what you are really looking for in a partner.
>>33727775Aaahgghh life is complicated, but then I guess it wouldn’t be worth looking for nice things if it wasn’t. Might just be worried about making a life altering choice then ending up in a box somewhere regretting the chances i had for a good thingAre you in a nicer relationship now? How did u make the comeback if so? (Sorry i forgot if u mentioned, im pee brain right now.. also lmk when u want me to stfu bc I’m bad at trying to figure out when a convo is done, I’m fine chilling leeching ur wisdom but I don’t want to drag it yk..)
>>33727827Don't sweat it. And I'm not particularly wise but if my experience can shed some light, I'm glad to share. I am still very single, but I am taking it a day at a time, putting my energy into other things that are already rewarding my effort. That's all you need to do, anon. It's cliche, but be the best you you can be. Work towards that. You will attract all sorts of people if you can shine like the sun in some manner-- maybe you're intelligent, or social, or considerate, or competent. Standing out at work is how I made friends and met my now ex. I faltered a bit with her leaving me, and it will always hurt, but moving on is the only choice I have. I try to look back on it with gratitude, and I'm not perfect. I fight the hateful thoughts off from time to time. Sometimes I think I should reach out in anger, let her know how much it hurt, but I come down and realize how wasteful that is for everyone. What's done is done.I'm putting my time into school and work now, and I'm doing well in both. We only have the present, and if she ever reaches back out one day, I want to prove to her and myself that I can achieve for myself, something that I doubted, and I'm sure didn't help keep her around. I don't do it for her but in spite of her. I don't hate her though. I love her, but she's shown how she acts in times of stress, and I would be a fool to take her back if she ever wanted to return. The best I can do now is improve my current condition and let her regret not putting in the effort for me. Be productive with the energy instead of hateful or vengeful. Ask not what others can do for you. When you can rely on yourself, you can choose who you support, and it should be those that support you back, not those who run or ghost. Relationships, if reflected on properly, will teach you about self respect, as well. It's important to take everything as a lesson, and not simply a failure. You learn about yourself, and the world that way.
>>33727993Are you a philosophy guy? I feel like you are do u have old bearded guys I should look up for more of these thoughts.I’m gonna take your thoughts profound anon and attempt to apply them irl.. larp as a kindcel until I am(did I use these words correctly)MILLIONS MUST TAKE FROM EACH EXPERIENCE TO BETTER THEMSELVES AND MAKE LIFE MORE TOLERABLE FOR OTHERS!!Anyway best of luck to you and whatever you’re working towards in the grand scheme..
>>33728014It interests me but I'm no expert. Not formally. I just have a deep curiosity about people and morality and those things. I believe you can gain insight from the most mundane things, and there is a truth to every experience the world graces you with, even if it's painful. The world gives feedback, and you must learn to interpret it, and respond back. It's an endless cycle, and I often find you get what you give, in some manner of speaking. It's what you make of it.I take from various sources, but you need to think critically and have broad context to pull the proper meaning from anything so I don't know if I can offer much that won't be too deep too early. Religious and philosophic texts, for example, will have different interpretations based on who is reading it-- back to perception. And this can lead to misinterpretations, or, perceptions reinforcing themselves rather than adapting to new information.The Tao De Ching is a profound and seemingly simple start. It teaches a lot of what I'm talking about, with the belief that desire is the cause of all suffering. It helped me a lot with how I processed things and has offered me much needed perspective. It's humbling if nothing else.But stay curious and always consider other perspectives. And recognize that you are presently forming and shaping your own. There are no absolute truths, only what you percieve to be, and what others percieve. The Bible is a complex text but probably has the most nuanced teachings of morality within it's many pages. If you can interpret them in a meaningful way, though many miss the forest for the trees with it, imo. Nonetheless, there's a reason these books have stood the test of time and are studied and interpretted today. It isn't so important to debate the accuracy of the history or the ultimate "truth" of the world, but to pull necessary meaning for individual growth. That's what I think anyways. Thanks for your time and attention. I wish you well, too.
>>33724311>only dates tall guys
>>33724311>So I asked RedditKek
>>33728101lol no, I’d give a short dude a chance.. but I am 5’10 so I feel like that scares away most.. But I did say lanky so preference exists, should’ve said scrawny
